Newsflash: Older Men Don’t Want Women Their Own Age

Was just on CBS Early Show and had a blast, as usual. Julie Chen was super nice and made getting up at 3:30am well worth it. As for the “debate”? Well, it’s morning news, so there’s only so deep you can go. Too bad we didn’t have a full hour to really get in there. I had about three anecdotes about clients lying about their age that I didn’t get a chance to use.

1) My 54-year-old male client who had electric chemistry with a woman on a first date. After an hour of making out with her, he was fully smitten. Called her the next day, where she confessed that she wasn’t 54 herself. When asked how old she was, she said “Let’s just say I’m in my sixties”. They never would have met had she told the truth up front.

2) My 71-year-old female client who is on a crew team but has never confessed her age, because she doesn’t want to feel “different” than everyone else. She likes fitting in and sees no need to call attention to her age.

3) Just yesterday, my 44-year-old client, who, upon hearing about my upcoming CBS appearance, started to rail against guys who lie about their age. Yet when we logged onto her old JDate profile, she audibly gasped. “Ohmigod. I guess I lied about my age, too”.

So while I would never go and call myself an “advocate” of lying, I would say that we should reserve judgment. There’s a difference between a serial fabricator and a woman who is insecure that telling the truth will lead to age discrimination. At least that’s what I would have said, if I had more time.

But the best part of the interview was the one in which I didn’t speak (ha!) It was when Julie asked the male anchors whether they’d date an older woman. Their non-answers speak for themselves.

Check out the clip here!

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Cilla

    @ Steve

    Yes, I think we are in agreement: to pull off a short haircut, the cut needs to be good, and a woman really should have a feminine style of dress and a good body–of course easier if you are a celebrity.

    @casual

    I think the whole idea of cutting one’s hair to make life easier is bunk. I did that when my son was little, and it was actually much more time consuming having short hair. I had to have it cut more often to look good. I had to wash it every day. I woke up with wacky bed hair and could never go anywhere without at least wetting it down. With long hair, I can wash it every couple of days most of the year, and when I need to go somewhere in a hurry first thing in the morning, I can throw it in a ponytail. I can go much longer between cuts. I think you’re right–there is a component of giving up or surrendering one’s sexual self that many women buy into once they have children. I think it’s related to loss of identity and lowering of self-esteem.

    Long hair can look witchy on a woman if she just grows it out without any layering or styling, if she lets it get too long, or if she doesn’t bother coloring it or blowing it out. I agree with Nora Ephron that a bottle of hair color is the single greatest anti-aging product a woman can buy. Very few women can rock the Emmylou Harris look (although I don’t think she cares about looking a certain age as much as making a visual statement). She has long grey hair, but styles it and wears hip clothing. It wouldn’t necessarily be my choice, but it works for someone artistic like her. Grey and grizzled is icky on everyone. I see sooooo much of that here in the upper midwest–women with that “I don’t need to spend time or money on that because I’m a middle aged married woman” attitude.

    @LK

    LOL–I do the same thing: I set my height minimum at 5’8″, realizing that’s actually 5’6″ most of the time. If I put 5’6″ in, I’d be getting emails from guys who are 5’3″ and 5’4″–a little too short even for me at 5’3″.

    @JB

    I see just as many men in their 50’s who think a once-a-week softball game is exercise and who physically can’t have sex more than every week or two, even if they’re interested in it. It works both ways.

  2. 32
    mistechal

    I could say that I was 10 years younger than I actually am, and no one would know. Trouble is, if I do meet the partner of my dreams, I don’t want to have to explain to him that I lied to him. That’s why I am honest about my age.
    On the other hand, I met and fell quite in love with a fellow last year, who was 4 years younger. ( I’m 55) I met him at a charity event, but if it were a dating site, he might have filtered for women younger than himself. We would have never met ! I feel that dating sites shouldn’t ask for one’s age, but age range, in 10 year increments for those over 35. That would possibly cut down on some of the ageist filters.

    1. 32.1
      Jenn

      I think that’s a great idea, except I would put it a little more specific, like saying “early 30s” or “late 50s”. Or better yet, leave the age thing off altogether, but make people put up pictures with a recent date stamp clearly visible and let them decide if they want to say their age in their profile. The problem with that is that, of course, people can still lie, but if they were already doing it anyway, what’s the difference? 

  3. 33
    Jennifer

    @Mistechal #32 I think your post presents an excellent argument for meeting people in venues other than online- age isn’t the first thing you see. Online should be one way to meet people, not the only way. If people regularly exercised their other options for getting dates, they would have less time to spend raging against the problems with online dating- they’d simply stop doing it if it doesn’t work for them. Which in my mind makes more sense than trying to figure out what to lie about to *force* it to work.

    I don’t agree though that people not wanting to date people of a certain age is ‘ageist’ – we are talking about dating, something very individual and personal, not job discrimination. No one has to give anyone with (insert whatever characteristic here) a chance to get in their pants if they don’t want to and, to me, that’s more than reasonable and alright :-)

  4. 34
    Karl R

    Jennifer said: (#33)
    “I don’t agree though that people not wanting to date people of a certain age is ageist – we are talking about dating, something very individual and personal,”

    A couple years ago I was chatting with Curtis, an acquaintance of mine. Curtis is in his 60s, but looks like he’s in his 80s (due to heavy smoking, no exercise and a lot of time in the sun). I had recently been on a date with Sally (she was 24 years old, I was 37). I mentioned to Curtis that I wouldn’t be going out with Sally again because thought she was “too young”.

    Curtis: “I’m open to dating women of different ages.”
    Me: “Like what?”
    Curtis: “Women in their 30s and 40s. Hell, I’d be open to dating Sally.”
    Karl: “Would you date a woman in her 70s or 80s?”
    Curtis: “HELL NO !!”

    So Curtis is open to dating women of “different ages” … provided that difference is a lot younger than him.

    I start thinking someone is a bit “ageist” if they’re opposed to dating people their own age.

  5. 35
    Angela

    I am 51 years young. I have no wrinkles, am 5’6″ and wear a size 4-6 and look much younger. Great genes and lots of melanin really helps. I was carded until I was 34. Online I have my real age and am amazed at the guys that are 5-10 years younger that look so old!!! The older men that do look younger go after the younger women. In person, I am always approched by much younger men that do not know my age. If I had to do it all over again, online I would have taken off a10 years. I am suure more guys would approach me. I get many emails aking how old are my pictures and they are less than 6 months.

  6. 36
    Cilla

    @ Angela

    You could always do as a previous poster suggested and put a fake age in the searchable part of your profile and reveal your real age in the narrative section.

  7. 37
    Ruby

    @JB

    Viagra anyone? Most of the men I and my friends have dated over 40/45 have had problems with sexual performance. I’m over 45 and do not! Maybe they should put that fact in their profiles!

  8. 38
    JB

    He he he ..Ruby…Don’t hold your breath for guys to start putting in their profile that they use the “little blue football”(aka Viag,Cialis,err..any other performance enhancing pharmacutical) to score touchdowns. Many men of ALL different ages use it and the women never know….lol too bad ;-)

    What’s next ? Women putting in their profiles that they’re going through Menopause?? …lol yeah right.

  9. 39
    mistechal

    I feel that if I see a fellow that I might be attracted to on a dating site, and he has stipulated that he is only interested in younger women, I could always contact him myself. After all, it’s not like it’s only the men who are in control of who contacts who.
    The thing is, I don’t want to meet a man who is 50, but has narrowed his criteria by age. If he is that devolved, then I don’t care to know him anyways. I want someone who is at least as mature as I am, and that, sometimes has nothing to do with one’s age.

  10. 40
    Angela

    I may adjust my age, but now it seems too late. The interesting thing is that now so many young guys are into thre whole cougar thing. I had a guy my age (51) who looked 75 proposition me. Hell, if I am just looking for sex, I will go with the 25 year old and go to the moutain top!!!!! I get approached by a lot guys 25-35, but since I am looking for a longterm relationship I beg off but thank them for the compliment!

  11. 41
    Cilla

    @ Angela

    I hear ya–I’m 47 and I dated two guys in their 20’s last summer–strictly fun, but you’re right, it is the mountain top. I actually got hit on by a 23-year-old, but since my son is 17, I declined.

    I also have a ton of older guys (who look even older) emailing me. As I wrote in a previous post, “I’m not dating Gandalf, Santa, or the guy holding the pitchfork in ‘American Gothic.'” LOL

    Currently dating a 52-year-old and we seem well matched, age wise, among other things.

  12. 42
    Curly Girl

    Lying about your age is never a good idea. You can find out anyone’s age online if that person was born in the U.S., has a drivers license, bought real estate, etc. It doesn’t cost anything. And once you have the evidence of a lie staring you in the face it’s hard to think well of that person.

    Won’t tell you how to do it, but it’s very, very easy if you know the sites.

  13. 43
    Curly Girl

    Also, not a good idea to lie about your education. Places I’ve worked will call the school to verify the degree, as will employment agencies. I’ve had to do it as part of a screening process for job candidates. Not all places do, but you don’t want to get caught doing that. Will ruin your reputation.

    And just because everyone is putting in their dating stats: Currently seeing a guy 1 1/2 years younger. And my hair is naturally curly–shoulder length when wet, shorter when dry (because of the curls). Growing it out, though, to be more alluring. Never know when dowdy and matronly will kick in, so best to head it off at the pass!

    The guy I’m seeing has straight, blond guy hair. He is ultra cute.

    We don’t do online dating, so no need to lie about stats. He always downplays his credentials, though, if he thinks they might intimidate someone (he’s pretty much a brainiac). This surprised me at first. I’m so used to people inflating their personal and professional resumes.

    Isn’t it amazing when you find out that a person is actually MORE than he or she admits at first?

    He really is great. I must have done something right in a past life…

  14. 44
    Michael

    I feel that dating sites shouldn’t ask for one’s age, but age range, in 10 year increments for those over 35. That would possibly cut down on some of the ageist filters.
    That would not be useful to me.

    I want a woman who is of a specific age (my own).

  15. 45
    mistechal

    Ah, my, ..
    don’t you see? That years are merely a chronological event? 40 is 40, for some people , but some 40 year olds are 65, yet others are 25. I am not speaking about the physical. Yeah, like everyone else , and her sister… I look good for my age. Good genes, and a really good plastic surgeon. I get turned down by people my own age , because I am a little ‘ out there’ . My thoughts and outlook are fairly immature, my tastes in music and culture, do not ‘fit’ with my age group, whom are just beginning to go to ‘live theater’ and the abysmal tripe that is foisted upon us in the flexible name of ‘culture’. But they try to ‘fit in’ and pretend to like it. ( oh lord deliver us from ‘ Dirty Dancing” ) See, my point is, your exact age means nothing. I would probably find you boring as watching paint dry. But I do Know some 50 yr olds who could run rings around you both sexually, and intellectually.

  16. 46
    mistechal

    P.S.

    ( to Angela… my gosh… I love your thinking ! What a brilliant woman. If guys our age are only looking for a sexual relationship, then why the hell not just go for the guys in their 20’s who are up front about it. At least they still are in good condition, care about personal hygiene, will be impressed as hell about my Jag convertible, and not pester me in the morning about when I can see them again. ! Angela , you are SO right ! Why oh why do I get myself tied up in knots over some pot bellied old guy, who just wants a toss in the hay, when a young guy will treat me with kindness, and be sweet and caring , if it is just for the same end result. Rather go for the young guy, instead of the guy I just ended the relationship with who kept apologizing every time he couldn’t keep an erection unless I gave him a BJ. His constant refrain was…. you are so patient… no other women would put up with this. …. I kept my thoughts to myself, but wondered why he was so afraid of the little blue pills.

  17. 47
    LK

    Lance said: “@LK: It annoys short guys that they get selected out of searches by chicks like yourself. It’s all fair in my opinion and that’s the game with online dating sites.”

    My point is simply that my preferences exist for a reason. They’re not going to change just because I meet someone once in person for a casual coffee date. All liars are doing is wasting my time. They are not helping their cause.

    For the record, I don’t lie about anything on my profile.

  18. 48
    Angela

    Mishtechal,
    I did have a brief relationship with a guy 29. The sex was good and he was smart and good conversationalist and we had fun. The ironic thing was that I initially had a problem with his age and then he later had a problem with mine. Reason, he wanted kids and I was done in that department. We both didn’t see anything longterm in our relationship so we parted. We remain friends. Since then I have been looking for guys closer to my age . But you know those 4 months were really nice and I may decide to have another brief relationship with a much younger guy. Life is too short and tomorrow is not promised !!!!

  19. 49
    Angela

    Cilla,
    I’m not dating Gandalf, Santa, or the guy holding the pitchfork in American Gothic. LOL YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!!!!!
    I agree that guys 45-55 will date a woman their age if she looks good and not old, but online it is a different story. People are looking for the perefect person,via picture and profile and in my experience it has been very misleading. The essence of person can only be felt in person. Its so one dimensional. What these online websites really need to do is to have monthly meet ups. So people can meet in person in mass!

    1. 49.1
      Jenn

      Match does that – it’s called Stir events. The only problem is, at least the way I’ve experienced them, is that they’re usually frequented by people who are having difficulty getting any attention (myself included). The last one I went to was one where we played the Battle of the Sexes board game at a lounge. Only 3 or 4 women were there, and about maybe 15 guys. You’d think that’s a good thing for me, but they were all either too old, too short, too young, or too pudgy and the one guy who would have been my type had a speech impediment. Such is life, though. I’m going to another one tomorrow night at a different place, so with luck I’ll have a better experience there. 

  20. 50
    Joe

    So in essence, it’s not the years, it’s the mileage?

    IMO, if you lie in your online profile statistics (age, education, height, whatever), you absolutely have to come clean in your essay/text portion. The person you may end up dating is gonna find out at some point, and do you really want that person ending up feeling that the way you met was based on a lie?

  21. 51
    Barbara

    I’m 50 and out there dating. I also have great ab definition and keep my body in great shape. I work out about 45-90 minutes EVERY day and it is worth it just for the ego boost it gives me. I’m also currently training for my fourth marathon. My hair is long, I keep it colored and in good condition, and I still wear (tasteful) above-the-knee skirts and get whistles and comments in the street. I’m not sure age is so important anymore. I look at pictures of my mom when she was 50 (unhappily married and saddled with 3 teenagers at the time) and it seems like times have changed and folks are aging better, taking better care of themselves, and because so many of us are single in the upper age groups, we are more cognizant we have to keep ourselves “maintained.” I’m starting to get some crow’s feet, and it doesn’t bother me. My dating profile gets loads of responses, and I’m having a ball with these guys! And I’ve had all age ranges responding – guys in their early 30s up to men in their mid-60s.

  22. 52
    Barbara

    I agree with the above poster that men lie regularly about their height in their profiles. Guys, get a friend to hold a ruler at the top of your head and mark the wall! It’s not rocket science! I’m 5’8 and I’m going to know if a guy tells me he is 5’10 because in heels I’m going to be taller than he is. Generally, a guy saying he is 5’10 means he’s about 5’6 or 5’7, if that. If they say they are 6 feet, they are usually 5’9 to 5’10. It’s a shame, really, because many many women aren’t going to mind the height thing.

  23. 53
    JB

    It IS a shame Barb because just as many women DO care about a man’s height. God forbid a woman who’s 5’8″ is seen with a guy who’s 5’9″ ……YIKES !!! I think it’s funny that all the sites have exact numbers for “height” but NOT weight where women tend to lie the most….lol

  24. 54
    Barbara

    Sorry, “JB,” but I never said that I wasn’t into guys my height or shorter. I just said my experience is that they are lying about their height. For the record, I don’t lie about anything in my profile. If a guy doesn’t like my height or weight, it’s not my problem – it’s his. :o) I had a guy tell me in an email he was 6’1. When we got together, I was wearing flats, and we were the same height. That’s pathetic. He literally lopped 5 inches off his height – for what reason? Did he honestly think women won’t notice? What kind of magical thinking is that? I’m actually just about 1 inch taller than the average woman, so I doubt they are lying only to me about it. Just give me the facts so I have a fighting chance of evaluating you based on the evidence. And, use the ruler method, “JB.” It really does work!

  25. 55
    Barbara

    N.B.: He added 5 inches to his height. :o(

  26. 56
    JerseyGirl

    “Ah, my, ..
    don’t you see? That years are merely a chronological event? 40 is 40, for some people , but some 40 year olds are 65, yet others are 25.”
    ————————————————————————–

    While this is true, I am alway turned off by men that try to sell themselves with liners like “I am young at heart”, “I look young for my age”, “I look 35″..or a million other lines that tell me how insecure they are about their own age. While I understand wanting to express that you are still fun and energetic, don’t be so obvious in your attempt. If your 45 and tell me you look 35, why shouldn’t I just go find a 35 year old?

  27. 57
    Evonda

    What I am getting from all this is that the only way to attract a man is through some kind of deceit. If they are all that shallow they are not worth the effort. There is nothing wrong with remaining single for life.

  28. 58
    JB

    @ Jersey “If your 45 and tell me you look 35, why shouldn’t I just go find a 35 year old?”

    Because a “35 yr.old” might not be as emotionally mature as a 45 yr. old or he may be in a totally different place like wanting to start a family etc….. where as a 45 yr. old that looks,acts and feels younger like I do at 48 might not want to start families etc..
    that’s why you might want someone who “looks,acts,and feels younger” but is actually around your own age.

  29. 59
    LK

    JerseyGirl: “While this is true, I am alway turned off by men that try to sell themselves with liners like I am young at heart, I look young for my age, I look 35?..or a million other lines that tell me how insecure they are about their own age.” Preach it! I don’t need anyone assessing their own appearance because that is subjective. All they need to do is post an accurate photo, and all that youthful energy should shine through if it’s there!

  30. 60
    Karl R

    JerseyGirl said: (#56)
    “I am alway turned off by men that try to sell themselves with liners like ‘I am young at heart’, ‘I look young for my age’, ‘I look 35′ ..or a million other lines that tell me how insecure they are about their own age.”

    Women do this a lot as well … and frequently enough that it sounds cliche’.

    I used Evan’s advice on this one. I don’t say that I look young for my age. I state how old my pictures are, and let people draw their own conclusions. I don’t tell people that I have a lot of energy. I tell them what I do, and (again) let them draw their own conclusions.

    I’ve noticed another common trend among women (and probably more common among men) who say they’re “young for their age” or something similar. Since they allegedly are 10 years younger than their actual age, they target people 10 years younger than them. I sometimes turn that around and look for women who are several years older than me, but look younger (and are more fit) than the average woman my age.

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