Newsflash: Older Men Don’t Want Women Their Own Age

Was just on CBS Early Show and had a blast, as usual. Julie Chen was super nice and made getting up at 3:30am well worth it. As for the “debate”? Well, it’s morning news, so there’s only so deep you can go. Too bad we didn’t have a full hour to really get in there. I had about three anecdotes about clients lying about their age that I didn’t get a chance to use.

1) My 54-year-old male client who had electric chemistry with a woman on a first date. After an hour of making out with her, he was fully smitten. Called her the next day, where she confessed that she wasn’t 54 herself. When asked how old she was, she said “Let’s just say I’m in my sixties”. They never would have met had she told the truth up front.

2) My 71-year-old female client who is on a crew team but has never confessed her age, because she doesn’t want to feel “different” than everyone else. She likes fitting in and sees no need to call attention to her age.

3) Just yesterday, my 44-year-old client, who, upon hearing about my upcoming CBS appearance, started to rail against guys who lie about their age. Yet when we logged onto her old JDate profile, she audibly gasped. “Ohmigod. I guess I lied about my age, too”.

So while I would never go and call myself an “advocate” of lying, I would say that we should reserve judgment. There’s a difference between a serial fabricator and a woman who is insecure that telling the truth will lead to age discrimination. At least that’s what I would have said, if I had more time.

But the best part of the interview was the one in which I didn’t speak (ha!) It was when Julie asked the male anchors whether they’d date an older woman. Their non-answers speak for themselves.

Check out the clip here!

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Jennifer

    @JB I’m assuming the reason they have exact numbers for height on dating sites and not weight is that height is static (until you are much much older and may lose an inch or so) while weight is more likely to fluctuate. I don’t think it’s a conspiracy against the men :-)

  2. 62
    Selena

    Re:#61

    Weight also has a relationship with how it is distributed: fat, muscle, height. And where: breasts, butt, belly, thighs, face. Different women can weigh the same amount but look completely different depending on how their weight is distributed.

  3. 63
    Cilla

    @Jennifer

    I had a friend who used to say, “My weight is always perfect for my height–which varies.” LOL

  4. 64
    Angela

    JB
    The 5’8″ woman wants to wear her 3 inch heels so at a minimum he must be 5’11” LoL!

    My preference is to date someone near my age who is youthful in many ways. Doesn’t mean they do no look their age but that they carry it well! The reality in this is thatthe shrinking pool of candidates, shrinks further. :(

  5. 65
    JB

    But of course Angela but the same 5’8″ woman would have no problem dating a shorter Justin Timberlake,George Clooney,Brad Pitt, etc……______________ <—- fill in your favorite shorter fantasy fella here. ….lol

    I’ve had women with certain height stipulations throw them out the window for my shorter “hottie recon profiles” ie: A woman that’s 5’8″actually showed interest in a 5’9″ “hottie”….lol go figure !!

  6. 66
    Angela

    JB
    Such is life, There will always be other variables that can influence people to overlook certain things. It can be wealth, notoriety, fame, career, connections …etc. That is why so many ugly, old and short rich men have beautiful wives. Lol :) On another note, if a person matches up in every other way many people will make an exception. Its the total package. People are subconsciously assessing a value on different traits.

  7. 67
    Ava

    Just the other day, a guy I’ve recently started dating commented on much much he enjoyed spending time with someone around his own age (mid-late 40’s). He’d dated younger women, but was enjoying the similar points of reference with someone who could relate. I’ve heard this from a number of other men also, that in theory, dating someone more than 10 years younger sounds great and is an ego-boost, but the actual compatibility and maturity of the other person wasn’t so good.

  8. 68
    jmarie

    Well, I must be in the minority.
    I prefer men who are two or three inches above my height which is 5’5.
    Also I prefer dating older men, 40-50.
    I’m 35 but told all the time I look 24, 26, 27.
    Course I won’t lie, I am afraid of getting older and have thought about lying about my age. I figure saying 30 would be great because I can no doubt get away with it.
    As conniving as that sounds, I am actually an honest person in every other aspect. I can just understand why women lie about their age now, now that I am beginning to age.
    Men have a preconceived idea of every age of a woman, good and bad.

  9. 69
    paula

    I don’t understand the emotionally mature excuse that men use to date younger. After 30 everyone should be on the same maturity level. Its fine that you want to date younger cause you don’t like the aging you see on yourself. Just be honest.

  10. 70
    Sara

    Personally, I do not like men who lie about their age. I do not and expect men to be honest as well. Of course we don’t share all the info about ourselves before we meet a person (a little scary), but lying is a complete other thing!

    Lying about your age is not a white lie in my book. If you can lie about that, what else can you lie about? I agree everyone does tells white lies, but why start a relationship based on one?

    My age range is 32-42 and seriously, I do not wish to date anyone that much older. I mean I want to have children and dating a man 16 years older is not appealing. I don’t think that is ageist at all. I was in a relationship with a man 12 years older (i did make an exception because he e-mailed me, was truthful and I really liked him-he did look much much younger than his age) and really that is my limit.

    Seriously, I just found out a guy I’m going on a date with is 48 yrs old. 16 years older than me and lied saying he is 43. I mean 5 years in this case is pretty significant. I was willing to to the 11 yr diff but 16? come on. this guy has never been married and I doubt he is even interested in that at this point.

  11. 71
    Liz

    Do you notice how every woman says “I’m X (years old) but everyone tells me I look 10 years younger!!”

    Just sayin’.

  12. 72
    Karl R

    Liz said: (#71)
    “Do you notice how every woman says ‘I’m X (years old) but everyone tells me I look 10 years younger!!’ “

    In the past I’ve made a point of surreptitiously finding out a woman’s actual age, so I could later “guess” that she was 10 years younger than she actually was. This is sufficiently commonplace that I’ve seen a few women get angry if a guy guessed their age 5 years younger, instead of the 10 years that they were accustomed to.

    I’ve also seen a number of women put their statement in their Match.com profiles. That’s like advertising that they’re gullible. If you really look 10 years younger than you are, mention how recently your pictures were taken … and let the guys draw their own conclusions.

  13. 73
    Selena

    People don’t look 10 years younger to those who  actually are 10 years younger.

    When was the last time you mistook someone 10 years older than you  to be your same age?

    1. 73.1
      Jenn

      Actually, I recently met someone at a Meetup who really does look like she’s my age, and she’s about 10 years older. I hate to admit it but she actually looks younger than me, dammit. Oh well! 

  14. 74
    Cat

    I’m often mistaken for 10 or more years younger by both men and women who are that age. In fact, they refuse to believe I’m nearly 40. I usually end the argument by asking, “how many women lie UP?” I never lie about my age, though I easily could. And would probably benefit from it in the short run on dating sites.

  15. 75
    Cat

    I see those comments more in guys’ profiles than women’s (and yes, you should always check out same sex profiles to see what competition is in your area. Someone commented in another thread that they were afraid to check out other women’s profiles because what would the women think if they see you in the visitors list? Uh, who cares? If you don’t ask them out, it should be obvious as reconnaissance. If they’re not smart enough to figure it out, are you really worried what they think?)

    Also, Karl, it may be that women are quite aware that men mostly pursue younger looking woman. You can’t fault women for emphasizing that point when it makes such a difference to men. It’s far better to say it (and show recent pictures to back it up) than do as a lot of men do, which is say it and show pictures that are 10-15 years younger when they were in marathons and show up on the date fat, bald and liars… Although, I’m sure a fair share of women do that as well.

    Just remember to add a grain of salt (or two) to whatever you read and see in a profile… You never know who or what will show up!

  16. 76
    Karl R

    Cat said: (#75)
    “it may be that women are quite aware that men mostly pursue younger looking woman. You can’t fault women for emphasizing that point when it makes such a difference to men.”

    I can fault women (or men, when the situation is reversed) for completely missing the point.

    Men pursue women who look younger. Not women who say they look younger. Not women who say other people tell them that they look younger. Men will make that decision by looking at you … not by listening to what you or other people say.

    Cat said: (#75)
    “It’s far better to say it (and show recent pictures to back it up) than do as a lot of men do,”

    Did I strike a nerve? You’re trying to justify a bad idea by claiming that it’s not nearly as bad as a ridiculously stupid idea. While that’s inherently true, it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s a bad idea.

    You’re not backing up your claim with your recent pictures. You’re trying to back up your recent pictures with your claim. If the claim is true, then the pictures don’t need your verbal support. If the claim contradicts your pictures, you’ve decreased your chance of attracting the guy by being wrong (or by appearing to lie).

    Lose the comment about looking 10 years younger. Let the recent pictures do the talking. People believe their own eyes a lot more than they believe other people’s words.

  17. 77
    Dreaming Lady

    Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.  – William Shakespeare

  18. 78
    Jack

    Thats cool.  Lots of older women don’t want men their own age either.  Men start to lose testosterone production at age 25 so they hit early manopause pretty early. 

  19. 79
    Vicki

    Maybe people would stop trying to game the system by lying about their height/age  (on Match.com or other dating site search criteria), if the dating sites themselves came up with a better system? Maybe let users determine an ideal height/age range, but still include profiles (on daily match emails) of otherwise compatible singles who are up to 5 years or inches off the top or bottom of the range?
     
    If someone is 100% match *except* for being 1 or 2 years older than my highest stated age range, or 1 or 2 inches shorter than my stated height range, I’m not going to complain if Match.com sent me his profile anyway, since I might take a chance on him. I think most people feel that way.
     
    I’m not sure I’d want matches sent to me that were 10 years older than my highest stated range – I try to always include a 10-year range, such as 37 to 47 or 39 to 49, since I think 10 years is a pretty generous range. But I am not a stickler for exact numbers. If my profile states I don’t want to date anyone younger than  37 but a 35 year old guy writes to me, I would read his profile and meet him if he’s otherwise a good match.
     
    At this stage of the game (I’m 43), I just want to meet a guy who is honest, reliable and motivated. I want a guy whose parents are (preferably) still married and enjoy a great marriage. If a guy is a 99% match, but his father was a schmuck who didn’t treat his mom very well…. it’s a deal breaker, I’m sorry to say. I’ve met too many 99%-ers with that story, and it never ended well (i.e. I’m still single!)
     
    I’d rather meet an 80% match from a happy, healthy family background than a 99% match whose formative years were impacted by divorce, abuse, a “deadbeat” or otherwise absent father figure, or other types of dysfunction. 
     
    Most dating sites, unfortunately, don’t include “Father was a schmuck, yes or no” as one of the dating criteria. They should, ‘though!
     
    The book “Select Men Wisely,” by David Shade boiled it down to 3 essential qualities: high self-esteem (from having great parents!), intelligence and sexuality. Everything else is negotiable. Age, height, how many kids he has under 18 living with him, etc etc. All negotiable! 
     
    The book “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” by John T. Molloy states that while many men over 40 will date much younger women, statistically they end up marrying someone closer to their own age. (page 159) Almost half of men over 40 who dated, lived with or married much younger women were uncomfortable in those relationships and wouldn’t do it again.
     
    According to Molloy:
     
    Men over 40 are attracted to women who “take care of themselves” (i.e., haven’t let themselves go), dress stylishly, wear makeup, are congenial/relaxed/easy to get along with, and who display real kindness/thoughtfulness toward their dates. They like women who will fit into their lifestyles, with their friends and business associates. Many are divorced, and cautious, and need to know up front if you have real feelings for them or not. They also need a woman to be financially responsible and have her s*** together on the debt/finances front. Lying or changing the subject when the topic comes up will make him nervous. Just be honest about your finances. About 15% of men over 40 try to rush a woman to the altar. Take it as a compliment, but ask him to wait 6 months so you can get to know him better. Don’t just dump him because he comes off as “desperate to get married.”
     
    Don’t assume you’re in a monogamous relationship – verbally insist on it. If your intention is to find a relationship that will lead to marriage, verbally state this early in your dating relationship. Many men over 40 are stringers who will never settle down. Dump them early and often. Women men over 40 marry usually insist on more romance, cuddling, snuggling and being taken out on dates, not just quickie sex and watching tv at home. Men bought  flowers for women they eventually married more than twice as often as for the women they did not marry. The women in those relationships also insisted on doing more youthful and entertaining things and having more fun together. 
     
    Men over 40 who are the least likely to ever marry: those who actively and passionately hate their exes long after the divorce; those who have limited contact with their children because of the ex-wife; men whose exes have used their children against them in the divorce; men who are convinced they were cheated in the divorce and have decided not to pay alimony/child support; men whose ex-wives cheated/walked out/treated them very badly will be unlikely to ever marry again. Avoid those guys.

  20. 80
    Older men =Moobs (man boobs)

    older men have boobs like women and are just “horrible,horrible,horrible” in bed. it’s horrible. women that like older men with these boobs either have a problem or have a young buck like jacob black or edward cullen on the side to get some real action, satisfying sex. women that don’t like attractive men  have something wrong with them in my mind or they’re lying. who wants manboobs and disgusting sex over a nice, muscular chest to run your hands over? maybe a lesbian? just my opinion. others will vary.  and this comment  is not a derogatory put-down, it’s a fact.

  21. 81
    RoyP

    It’s funny, nearly everyone above who is older says they look much younger for their age. Give me a break! If you’re 47, you ARE 47! If you’re 52, you ARE 52. So much denial! Most would like to believe they really look that much younger, but the reality is that most probably look within a few years of their actual age, just maybe healthier for their age, that’s all. You can still tell. What is the moral of the story? Don’t let the years slip by. Live it up while you can.

  22. 82
    Bill

    Because I am over 60, I find it sort of amusing that people consider people in their 40s or 50s to be “older.” No big deal, I know it is all relative, but just thought I would mention it. The fact that I can outrun, outswim, outbike, and outthink most people in those age groups gives me a lot of satisfaction. 

    I am single and there is little chance I would be attracted to a woman my own age.  They look, talk, and act too much like my grandmother. It’s not that I do not love and respect many of those women. I’m just not attracted to them and don’t want to date them. 

  23. 83
    Bill

    And yes, I know, I probably look kind of like my grandfather. I am not claiming to be consistent or wise but I do want to know when was the last time you managed to successfully change the kind of person you are attracted to.

    So after all that, I am struggling with the question of whether to lie about my age and have nothing to offer on that subject.

  24. 84
    Lorin

    I am 47, I live in southeast Texas (North of Houston by a 1.5 hours).  It seems like a lot of men here have really let themselves go.  A stereotypical man in this region has a huge beer gut, really outdated clothes, or wears camo 24/7, hair in need of a stylist and calls me darlin, or baby, or sugar, without knowing me, and assumes I’m a dummy because I am a woman, and are bigots about race.  Example from a guy I went out with 2 weeks ago–“I have black friends, but I wouldn’t date a black gal.”  Seriously, why would you tell me that on a first date?  Thanks for the heads up!  It infuriates me, the lack of datable men here.
    In the looks category, the only men around here worth dating are ones that have  moved here from other regions.  But for some reason a 50 year old decent looking and seemingly intelligent man has on their profile that they are interested in women in the 21-40 year old age group.  Seriously grow up dude!  I won’t even bother with them.   They are even more shallow than I am.  HA!
    I have taken good care of myself and I do look several years younger than my age.  Working out, no smoking or excessive drinking, and drug-free, and college educated.  Is it too much to ask to find a guy that is smart, non-racists, taken good care of themselves, and is interested in women in their own age group? Oh and doesn’t sit in front of the TV every waking moment away from work.  BLAH!
    Signed Disgusted in Texas  

  25. 85
    Lorin

    Selena wrote:

    People don’t look 10 years younger to those who  actually are 10 years younger.
    When was the last time you mistook someone 10 years older than you  to be your same age?
    @Selena
    I am 47 and many people have been fooled by my age.  I met a 35 year old guy earlier this year and he asked me out, we went out.  He is a great guy and we have ended up friends, but he swears he thought I was his age when he asked me out.  When I told him how old I was his jaw dropped and he kept staring at me.  I wish he was just a few years older…*sigh*  There is no way he would have know how old I was prior to us going out.  We don’t have any common friends and I didn’t have a dating profile at that time.

  26. 86
    elena

    I am 49, recently divorced and have no intention of ever marrying again. I keep myself fit and have notrouble attracting much younger guys. After being in a horrible marriage for more than 20 years I have found that men my own age and older repulse me. As a result I only date guys who are at least 15 years younger than me. Why have sex with an over weight middleaged man when I can have a buffed 20-30 something year old! The sex is mind losing!

  27. 87
    Tim

    Personally I would rather date a woman closer to my age than 10 or 15 years younger. But I  have a limit on how old they are 53 is my max. I will be 49 in February. I had a gal who was interested in me; she is 65 way to much for me, thanks but no thanks! I am finding many women I am interested in had rough relationships so prefer to be single or something. I don’t get it.

  28. 88
    Chris Alison

    I’m 62 and I look 40 younger than all of my girlfriends in their 40s.  I was really offended by the CBS anchors comments about women over 55.  This is why we have to lie.  We do not live in retirement communities in Florida and eat at 4:30.
    I ride a road bike 50 miles, hike for miles, drive a Porsche, love sex, am fantastic looking.  Yes I am going to lie.  I deserve something better than a 70 year old man with a pot belly.  If a man 55 can date a woman 35, then why can’t I date a man 46 when I’m 61?  If I told my real age on a dating website I would fail at finding a match for me.
    Age is mind over matter.  It you don’t mind, it don’t matter.  But the first hurdle is getting them to notice you.  I agree with Evan.

  29. 89
    Branda

    Good post, Chris Alison. I’m 65 and look late 40s to early 50s (no plastic surgery either). Still have my natural hair color. Am much more fit and energetic than men my age and more sexually viable, too. Good genes from parents who are alive and self-sufficient at ages 92 and 91 respectively. I am not just imagining this (as someone earlier alluded that we do) because I was carded until I was about 40… still get hit on by men sometimes as young as late 30’s, have men look at me (with great big eyes) and say, “You SURE don’t look it!!” when I must produce ID for some business transaction, etc.   I put my real age on a dating site once and was frequently met with, “How old is that picture?”…or, “That has to be photoshopped..no woman looks like that at your age.” Bottom line: Many men can have some rigid preconceived notions.  And so many online are damaged players with more baggage than Delta Airlines. They just KNOW that any woman over 60 must IRL look like Aunt Bea from “Mayberry” and they feel entitled to a young hottie (as opposed to a mature hottie)….even though their nicknames ought to be “Baldy McPaunch”.   I ended up in a stable relationship with a man 9 years my junior (met offline) who looks MY age. I firmly believe that had he known my exact age before he developed a strong affinity for me, he might have been so gun shy that he would never have pursued. I agree about the age bracket system for internet dating. It makes sense.

  30. 90
    Elena

    I am 46 .my ex husband is 39 and my current boyfriend is also 39. I didn’t set out at all to be with younger menl..they chose me. And they both look older than me. What I like about both these men is that they are fun loving and still wild at heart as am I. I think its possible that more and more women are finding themselves with younger men instead of older men based on personality type. No matter what his age I personally must be with a man who is young at heart. I do not want to have a boring routine life..nights in front of the TV. I want men who are still up for fun.

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