Newsflash: Older Men Don’t Want Women Their Own Age

Was just on CBS Early Show and had a blast, as usual. Julie Chen was super nice and made getting up at 3:30am well worth it. As for the “debate”? Well, it’s morning news, so there’s only so deep you can go. Too bad we didn’t have a full hour to really get in there. I had about three anecdotes about clients lying about their age that I didn’t get a chance to use.

1) My 54-year-old male client who had electric chemistry with a woman on a first date. After an hour of making out with her, he was fully smitten. Called her the next day, where she confessed that she wasn’t 54 herself. When asked how old she was, she said “Let’s just say I’m in my sixties”. They never would have met had she told the truth up front.

2) My 71-year-old female client who is on a crew team but has never confessed her age, because she doesn’t want to feel “different” than everyone else. She likes fitting in and sees no need to call attention to her age.

3) Just yesterday, my 44-year-old client, who, upon hearing about my upcoming CBS appearance, started to rail against guys who lie about their age. Yet when we logged onto her old JDate profile, she audibly gasped. “Ohmigod. I guess I lied about my age, too”.

So while I would never go and call myself an “advocate” of lying, I would say that we should reserve judgment. There’s a difference between a serial fabricator and a woman who is insecure that telling the truth will lead to age discrimination. At least that’s what I would have said, if I had more time.

But the best part of the interview was the one in which I didn’t speak (ha!) It was when Julie asked the male anchors whether they’d date an older woman. Their non-answers speak for themselves.

Check out the clip here!

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Cat

    Why do so many people put such high regard toward “looking young for my age”.  I’m in my forties & look it. When I’m 70, I’ll probably look 70. If a man or woman is 67 & looks 47 (although I would find that really hard to believe) they are still 67. People are at totally different stages of life at 67 vs 47, doesn’t matter what you look like & that is what makes dating challenging in a “May-December” relationship. My first husband is 13 years older than me, he’s 57 now & could pass for 50 maybe, that didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I think people need to stop over inflating the importance of “looking young for their age” & concentrate on what really matters in a relationship beyond looks. I know a woman that just turned 50, she works at a cosmetic office doing botox. Her skin is beautiful, no wrinkles, no spots, no flaws – she has the skin of a 30 year old. And she’s really in shape. With that said, when she told me she was 50 & thought I’d be super surprised when I heard that, I wasn’t at all. Yea, her skin looks amazing – but somehow I still knew she was about 50. Honestly I probably would have guessed between 48 – 52. There are intangibles I think that somehow reveal peoples’ ages, no matter how young they think they look.

  2. 92
    Jo

    When I see this stuff about ages, I think of the movie The Best Exotic marigold Hotel where they show a “speed dating” scene and the woman mentioned she had advertise for someone younger, and the very old man responded, so did I LOL.  Personally, I think people should stick with age appropriate people, meaning 5-10 years either side of their age.  Men and women alike who insist on dating much younger people are vampiric. Those who say they look much younger than their ages are usually being delusional lol. 

  3. 93
    JDuffy

    Cilia:  Unless you have the face of Jane Seymour, it’s pretty tough for most women to successfully pull off long hair after 50–if anything, it tends IMHO to age the woman.  The hair itself on older women tends to “age” too (those nasty hormonal effects) and often looks more dry and brittle, not to mention fried from all of our years of endless bleaching, coloring, etc. (unless, of course, you can afford all the coiffing Jane probably does).  A friend of mine recently gave up on her mid-back length tresses, despite her husband’s protests, and got it bobbed just above the shoulders–it took 10 years off her face–and he loves it too.  I’ve had short hair for years, due mostly to heridary thinning-and-breaking, but it’s “long-short” and in a cute layered, flippy style with volume.  I’m 51 but petite and slim so it’s still very feminine.  The problem is that men lump all short haircuts together as “butch” and cannot differentiate between a feminine short style and a masculine one–despite claiming to be “visual”, they don’t have good eyes for this.   Luckily my late husband accepted and liked my short hair.  Be open-minded guys!

  4. 94
    Helen

    I have been in a horrible marriage for over 20 years and I am now free. I keep myself in good shape, in fact, it was my exercise regimen which led to my divorce – but that’s a topic for another post.
    I like to date guys in their 20s early 30s. I am not at all attracted to men my own age and older and as I do not intend on getting married, I see no reason why I shouldn’t date younger guys. I don’t know if looking for a relationship is worth the time and effort , they do say that relationships need work! I would be missing out on a lot of fun sitting at home waiting for the “right” man.
    Even if I did find “Mr Right” the relationship would become boring after a while. The online dating scene is full of men in “happy” marriages/relationships looking for a bit on the side, that’s partly what turned me off remarriage and relationships, the cheating, lies, verbal abuse, sex that becomes a chore, cooking and cleaning. Besides, I don’t have any nursing skills!
    If some men my own age don’t find me attractive, it’s no loss to me, I don’t find them attractive either. Some of my friends would wonder why I would not date men my own age. So, I logged on to my internet dating site and showed them pics of men my own age, most of whom looked 10-20 years older, my friends went OMG!!! and they understood.
    In my opinion, sex should be mutually pleasing, how can I have a relationship/sex with someone I am not physically attracted to? I cannot help it if I am not attracted to men my own age. One cannot compel attraction.
    Young men are not the only ones who want fun with NSA, I have come across many older men who want the same. So, if I am destined to not ever have a relationship or marriage and only NSA fun, why have it with a overweight, unfit 55 year old who wont let go of the remote control, when I can have a buffed young guy mid 20s!
    I felt very lonely when I was married. Yes, I know, I will be alone when I am old, but alone is not the same as lonely! Even if I did marry a man my own age or a little older, it’s likely that I would still end up alone when I am old due to the fact that men generally die earlier than women and do not care for their health, where as, I work out, eat healthy, do not drink/smoke and have no health problems that other people my age have.
    that’s my 2 cents worth!
     
     

  5. 95
    Julie Phelps

    This thread has really struck a chord with me. Now that I cannot avoid being labeled a senior citizen I am recognizing how that moniker affects many aspects of my life. Actually, it IS nice to have more doors opened for me or to be allowed to enter a room before others do – good seating! I admit to appreciating “senior discount days” or shopping benefits, too.
    What is annoying is that men in my age group are screening out potential online matches with by setting parameters that preclude a woman of 66 – or of their own age group. Many guys aged 62 to 72 state they seek a woman 50 to 58. Ergghh.
    Their reason might have to do with how many women in my age range really do appear to have let themselves go, so to speak. Many of them are no longer vibrant and enthusiastic about life – if they ever were. Many of my female peers have no real passion for anything in life other than their grandchildren, their needlework, their bridge club, and so on. They have settled into a routine of life that broadcasts loudly that they have given up. How can a guy envision a happy “rest of his life” with a person who appears to be content with the status quo? Or in one who is obviously hoping that a man will come into her life to “make her happy”? She needs to radiate some degree of happiness in her own life.
    The same is true in reverse, guys. I cannot churn up any interest in a man who states his favorite things to do are watch sports or relax on the sofa or simply “see the sights”. Does he have no specific examples of interest to recite? If he does he should mention them, even if he states that he loves to watch tennis (or baseball, etc). Relaxing on the sofa? Does that mean you just sit there staring into space? … and for how long? HEHE.
    Guys who state they are active but offer no examples are basically communicating nothing. Guys who say they would like to find someone to “do things with”… well, gee. What types of activities do you hope to share with someone else?
    When they state their occupation or hobbies they enter “retired” or “a variety of things”. No specifics. I suspect they have given up on participating in the world. They exhibit no passion or zest. So they appear to be older than I am, even if they match my age chronologically.
    Meanwhile, guys who do display enthusiasm and positivity for each day and the new-found freedom that comes with maturity are seemingly screening me out because I don’t lie about my age. Part of looking younger than you are is in the attitude you project. Yes, appearance is right in there too, such as style of clothing, hair, weight, etc. That works both ways. But I still think the first criteria should be about overall attitude. One does not need to seek out potential matches simply based on age. See how they verbally present themselves, along with how their appearance strikes you.
    Now I will climb off my soapbox and go write a Blog post about this subject :) Apparently I’ve much to say.
     
     
     

  6. 96
    Lillianna

    I think there is a double standard. Women are supposed to look always beautiful, no matter what and when. It is not always so easy. Sometimes, you want to have a big meal and relax and feel fat and not worry about the world. Then we want to go to gym, workout and back to great shape. But for men, they take it for granted, to eat a lot, expecting their mate to eat and drink with them but never change their looks or gain a pound

  7. 97
    Helen

    Lillianna, don’t worry, if you workout properly – weight training/building muscle you can have a big meal sometimes.
    Bear in mind that many men do not take care of themselves and age very badly. My ex husband was told  by his doctor that he is walking time bomb! Too much time eating junk while wearing out the couch and the remote. I, on the other hand eat healthy, work out and do not drink or smoke. Lifestyle choices can make a huge difference to one’s health and looks.

  8. 98
    Julie Phelps

    I continue perusing potential matches on the dating sites. I continue seeing guys in my age range who sound fun to be around because they have interests and appear to be engaged in the world – living with purpose and adventure. And yes, most of those type of guys continue setting their sights on women younger than I am.
    I really think it is due to how women present themselves online. The younger ones appear to also be enthused about life. They write profiles that indicate they are active or passionate about SOMEthing besides sitting around at home. That is now how I am, and I really prefer meeting a man close to my own age.
    So my new approach is to go ahead and reach out to those who state they want a younger woman. If they read my profile they will realize I might not be a bad choice afterall. Once we meet – the rest is up to chemistry and all the little details.
    This search is indeed not for the lazy or faint of heart!
     

  9. 99
    Helen

    Dear Julie, maybe you should shave a few years off your age on your profile. On some dating sites, settings can be adjusted so that one can receive msgs from people within a certain age. You shouldn’t feel bad about doing it, remember, men lie all the time about everything! Once you meet in person, you can explain your situation and go from there.
    Personally, I could not be bothered with men my own age or older, as I am not at all attracted to them. I suppose one cannot compel attraction! No amount of pills/therapy will make me want to have sex with a bloated geriatric!
    Good luck with your search  :-)

  10. 100
    Julie Phelps

    Thanks, Helen.
    I thought about doing that, but then said to self, “Self, that is no way to find a man who will love you for who you are”. 
    Followed by, “I will not sink to the level of lowest common denominator”. (aka liar)
    Since I really don’t want dates just for the so-called fun of dating, I try to get a feel for how they are via emails and then phone calls before agreeing to meet in person. There again, my options become more limited. It looks like I might have a long wait, right? 

  11. 101
    Helen

    I think both of our options are limited. No matter how exceptional a human being you are or how attractive, accomplished etc it is very difficult to find a person that will like/love for your self. I too would like to have someone to like me for who I am but I am realistic enough to know that it will never happen.
    There are the men who get to a certain age and decide it’s time to settle down and start a family, therefore they will look for a “good” girl, young, fertile and naive. There are those who want someone to cook and clean up after them. And the ones with money who want a barbie doll with no brains! And then, there are those who want NSA fun because they are too stingy to pay for sex! LOL my friends tell me I am cynical but I like to be realistic.
    We could both spend our lives “looking/waiting” for the “one” who will love us for ourselves OR we could go with the flow, enjoy our lives while staying safe and most of all, loving ourselves!
    Being alone is not a bad thing, being lonely in a bad marriage is living hell. I went out to dinner with a group of woman on the weekend, all of us divorced! One of the women, in her late 60s sitting next to me leans over and says: “It’s a lot better on your own isn’t it!” to which I agreed.                                         
    Every Friday on pay day, I go and buy a lottery ticket, there’s a higher chance of me winning first prize than finding a man who will love me for myself.  You see, I have nothing to offer a man, I am not willing to be a cook/cleaner again.  My physical, emotional and financial wellbeing are important to me and I am not willing to risk it for the sake of having a man in my life.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  12. 102
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Helen “Every Friday on pay day, I go and buy a lottery ticket, there’s a higher chance of me winning first prize than finding a man who will love me for myself.”

    If you believe this is true, congratulations! You’ve uncovered the reason you’re still single without expensive therapy.

    No one wants to be with someone with such low self-esteem who is so pessimistic about partnership. Doesn’t matter if you have a big heart if you have no self-worth or joie de vivre. I have no judgment of you for preferring to be single, but your lottery statement speaks volumes because it’s so empirically false. There are probably tens of thousands of lottery winners. There are BILLIONS of married people.

  13. 103
    Henriette

    @Helen 101 – I ask this with absolutely no snark: if you’re so completely positive that there’s no one “out there” for you, why are you on a site dedicated to helping women looking to find/create long-term relationships?  It sounds as tho’ you’ve already thrown in the towel.
     
    In my city, one of the most eligible bachelors has just announced his engagement.  He’s 51, a highly-ranked squash player, worth $8-figures, genuinely decent guy, comes from a “fine” family and handsome, too boot.  He’s spent the last decades dating great beauties; women with exceptional educational backgrounds; and all sorts of smart, cultured, articulate types.  His fiancee?  A 34 yr-old (fairly) recent immigrant from Hungary: her English is poor; she’s a nail tech; she’s cute but no knock-out; she cooks and cleans and sews her own clothes; she’s friendly & positive & loves babies. 
     
    I thought this guy would end up marrying a super-mode with a PhD from Cal Tech, or something, but Evan is right.  Even for the super-bright, much-sought-after man, easy & gentle beats out gorgeous and witty, every time.  (And yes, all his friends are envious that his bride-to-be is almost 20 years his junior).

  14. 104
    starthrower68

    It may not necessarily be an esteem – or lack thereof – issue for Helen.  Sometimes we try to do all the right things, take to heart the advice given here and from other experts. But at the end of the day we are who we are and it’s no guy’s cup of tea. What are ya gonna do? Enjoy life and keep moving forward. Doesn’t always mean poor esteem or that a woman hates life. A mate is just not in the cards for everyone.

  15. 105
    Cat5

    Henriette at #103:
     
    Here’s what I took from your post:  easy and gentle beats out gorgeous and witty every time….as long as the bride-to-be is 20-years younger than the groom-to-be.  Is that what you really intended to convey with your story?  Because if so, and Helen hadn’t already thrown in the towel before, she’s probably seriously thinking about it after reading your post.
     
    Helen @ #101:
     
    I know it feels that way sometimes…I’ve been there, and sometimes still do that (been divorced for about 5-years and just had my 50th birthday a few months ago).  And sometimes I want to give up also.  But, I don’t give up.  I just take a step back and regroup.  I figure maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t.  But just like the lottery, you have to play to win!  :)

  16. 106
    Julie Phelps

    I really enjoy the input from men. 
    I also really enjoy being with most men.
    They are more fun for me to be with than many women.
    I guess I am not calculating”the odds” of meeting someone. I just do what I can to cast a wide a net and see how it goes. I wish it went BETTER, but one never knows what a new day will present. I am keeping my antennae tweaked and ready.
    Just a thought: women who say life is so much better without “that man” in their life may not have been with the one who is right for them. People remain in marriages or committed relationships longer than is good for either party sometimes. There are various reasons, including “the children”, financial, fear of loneliness, etc. Fact is, they should have severed the relationship early on. Because they did not they have a notion that being married is not good. Now they can enjoy their life. I can understand their viewpoint.
    What I seek is a relationship of bonding, mutual support and communication. I seek a partner with whom I can merge paths, form new paths that we both create, and support one another with love and commitment. What he wants, I will want, and vice versa. Now THAT is worth having. THAT is what I would happily give up my single alone-ness for.
    But for sure, I am alone – not lonely. No desperation here.
    I really am happy with the person I’ve become and the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Whoever I commit to will get the best me I’ve ever been! And I will then happily give up my happy singledom.

  17. 107
    Karl R

    Helen said: (#101)
    “No matter how exceptional a human being you are or how attractive, accomplished etc it is very difficult to find a person that will like/love for your self.”
     
    Think about your closest few friends: the ones you trust and confide in.
     
    Why do you like/love those friends? Is it because they’re attractive? Because they’re accomplished? Because they’re exceptional?
     
    My closest friends are the people who have demonstrated that they’ll come through for me when things are at their worst. In addition, they’re people who I enjoy spending time with. Some of them are accomplished, some aren’t. Some are attractive, some aren’t. Some are exceptional, some aren’t.
     
    It doesn’t matter how attractive, accomplished or exceptional you are … because those aren’t the traits that make you likable or lovable.
     
    Helen said: (#101)
    “my friends tell me I am cynical but I like to be realistic.”
     
    A cynical viewpoint is not necessarily realistic. In order for a cynical viewpoint to be realistic, everyone (including you) has to be completely motivated by self-interest, lacking sincerity and lacking integrity. In order for a cynical viewpoint to be realistic, good outcomes can’t happen (or they turn out not to be worthwhile in the long run).
     
    Helen said: (#101)
    “You see, I have nothing to offer a man,”
     
    Realistically, people are motivated (to a certain extent) by self-interest. If spending time with you is going to make a man less happy then he already is, he will be motivated to leave (and potentially find someone who makes him happier).
     
    Cooking/cleaning aren’t relevant. If my wife was a terrible cook (or disliked cooking) then take-out would still work as well as it did when I was a bachelor. And I already refer to a cleaning lady as a “domestic tranquility expense.”
     
    But you could still be correct. If your presence makes a man’s life less pleasant (in his opinion), then you truly have nothing to offer a man.
     
    Cat5 said: (#105)
    “Here’s what I took from your post:  easy and gentle beats out gorgeous and witty every time….as long as the bride-to-be is 20-years younger than the groom-to-be.”
     
    Let me rephrase Henriette’s statement (#103) to make it more clear:
    There isn’t a woman on this planet who is gorgeous enough or witty enough to make me willing to put up with “difficult” or “mean”.
     
    Helen said: (#101)
    “My physical, emotional and financial wellbeing are important to me and I am not willing to risk it for the sake of having a man in my life.”
     
    I fail to see the risk. I dated a fair number of women. If I determined that they were detrimental to my physical, emotional or financial well-being, then they were gone.
     
    Helen said: (#101)
    “we could go with the flow, enjoy our lives while staying safe and most of all, loving ourselves!”
     
    I enjoyed being single. I enjoyed dating. I enjoyed being in relationships. I enjoy being married.
     
    Because I enjoyed being single, I was happy to stay that way until I found someone whose presence was more enjoyable. You believe that a great relationship require one-in-a-million odds. It doesn’t. It required some persistence. It also required that I not settle for a crappy/mediocre relationship.
     
    Side note for those of you who are easily confused:
    When I talk about “not settling”, I am specifically referring to the quality of my relationship. I am not referring to specific traits that my wife possesses (which is something I did compromise on).

  18. 108
    Henriette

    @Cat5 105- Really, what I most wanted to convey with my post is that Evan has changed the way I see male/female dynamics.  This particular thread is about men preferring younger women so yeah, I decided it would be the place for the story. 
     
    Yes, this 50-something dude in my hometown wanted a 30-something he could have babies with.  So,  I’m confirming a bias that is addressed in Evan’s post and a point that has been discussed in other threads on this site.  Certain men spend their younger decades “Empire Building” and only think about settling down and starting a family at an age where it would be impossible to do so with a similarly-aged woman.  Do I like this?  Think it’s fair?  Believe it’s ideal?  Not at all.  But I accept that this particular type of man will never be interested in me.
     
    This specific guy had PLENTY of much-younger women interested in him.  Amongst the 30-something ladies whom he could have selected, there were those who were prettier, wittier, better travelled, had more impressive career titles and earned more money than the woman he chose.  Amongst her competitors (numerous young, fertile women), his fiancee was the most relaxed and nurturing.  
     
    I didn’t share this story bc it was supposed to make all of us women of a certain age feel encouraged & hopeful but rather bc I think it illustrates some points that Evan has hammered into my head.  While someone like me (early 40s) will never attract the attention of a guy who insists on a 30-something, this tale reminds me that WITHIN MY PEER GROUP, my relative attractiveness is based less on my corner office or number of languages spoken than on my warmth and kindness. 

  19. 109
    Sparkling Emerald

    Henriette @ 103 ” His fiancee?  A 34 yr-old (fairly) recent immigrant from Hungary: her English is poor; she’s a nail tech; she’s cute but no knock-out; she cooks and cleans and sews her own clothes; she’s friendly & positive & loves babies. “
     
    Are you kidding me ?!!!! this post is supposed to give HOPE to older single women ?  Wow, so  men will can their wild oats with trophies,  well into middle age, then mail order a virgin (well maybe not)  from a foreign country to be his maid and brood mare ?  And we’re supposed to jump up and down and say “Oh Goody, Goody ! ”  Let’s see, she’s younger, less educated, low earning potential,  disadvantaged due to the language/cultural barrier, sounds like he wants a woman to have power over, not someone he wants to connect with on the heart level.  There are some misogynist websites that encourage men to “boycott” Western women by having fun with “sluts” and then dumping them, and never marry unless you get a foreign bride.  He sounds like the typical  male on those sites.  I don’t know this person in question, and I could be wrong.  But this doesn’t sound like a fairy tale romance to me.  And it’s a poor story to illustrate to older women to keep up the hope that Mr Right will come along eventually.

  20. 110
    starthrower68

    @ Karl R 107,
    I think there is a difference between the kind of love between friends, as you mention, and romantic relationships.  The “eros” kind of love carries a sexual component that “familial” or “agape” love does not have.  You have said yourself that you have dated women who you believed were wonderful women but you didn’t see a future with them.  Maybe you stayed friends or maybe you just went your separate ways never to see each other again.  The “eros” kind of love is a bit more fickle. 
    With regard to Helen’s statement about having nothing to offer a man, I believe she was saying that rather tongue-in-cheek.  I refer back to what I said above.  At the end of the day, no matter how hard we try to be what someone else wants, we are who we are.  

  21. 111
    Henriette

    @Sparkling Emerald109: Where did I write that this story was supposed to give us hope?!?  I shared it with others on this site bc I it illustrates the title of this thread: (some) older men don’t want women of their own age.  Just because I don’t tell it using scathing language doesn’t mean it makes me feel good… but I’m here to learn & understand rather than cast stones on others’ choices.
     
    Also, I used to be confused by these kinds of matches (educated, wealthy man with sweet, simple woman) until I began reading this blog.   Evan finally convinced me that  many/ most men don’t care if a woman has degrees, sophistication & money in the bank.  They want someone who is feminine, positive and gentle. 
     
    As soon as a friend in my hometown told me about this engagement, I thought, “Yeah, it totally fits into what Evan has explained about what males REALLY respond to…”    Which is not to say that I have to become a manicurist and lose my money in order to find love, but it helps to keep in mind that it won’t be my CV or my degrees that really impress a man.

  22. 112
    Helen

    When I wrote “I have nothing to offer a man” I did not mean to imply that I have a low opinion of myself. What I meant was, because what most men look for is a housekeeper/cook/slave, I am not willing to do that anymore.
    Give me a break guys, I have been in a bad marriage for more than 2 decades, I have done more than my fair share of domestic service/wifely duties while still having to work full time. In addition to that, I had to endure  daily insults and abuse. I stayed until my son finished high school.
    My married life would be something like this:
    Go to work, come home, rush to cook dinner and repeat 1000s, while he sat on the couch wearing out the tv remote. My waist line expanded as I found comfort in eating and I felt like crap always dressed in baggy t shirts and track pants. Four years ago when decided to lose weight and get into shape, my ex husband became very angry with me. He did not want me to wear nice clothes and he would tell me that he liked women with a bit of fat, but then, he would go online and look at TEEN PORN featuring very young women with trim bodies. 
    There are a lot of women my age – 50+ who feel the same way. I have done my time, now, I want to enjoy the rest of my life. If I remarry, I will risk losing half my house and my freedom.
    Sparkling Emerald 109, you nailed it with:
    Wow, so  men will can their wild oats with trophies,  well into middle age, then mail order a virgin (well maybe not)  from a foreign country to be his maid and brood mare ?  And we’re supposed to jump up and down and say “Oh Goody, Goody ! “  Let’s see, she’s younger, less educated, low earning potential,  disadvantaged due to the language/cultural barrier, sounds like he wants a woman to have power over, not someone he wants to connect with on the heart level.  There are some misogynist websites that encourage men to “boycott” Western women by having fun with “sluts” and then dumping them, and never marry unless you get a foreign bride.  He sounds like the typical  male on those sites.  I don’t know this person in question, and I could be wrong.  But this doesn’t sound like a fairy tale romance to me.  And it’s a poor story to illustrate to older women to keep up the hope that Mr Right will come along eventually.
     
     

  23. 113
    Sparkling Emerald

    Henriette 111 – “@Sparkling Emerald109: Where did I write that this story was supposed to give us hope?!?
     
    Well, let’s see, Helen wrote a post about how hopeless she feels when it comes to meeting men.  Your lead in to this story about rich eligible bachelor marries young, fertile, naive girl who barely speaks English was . . .
    “@Helen 101 – I ask this with absolutely no snark: if you’re so completely positive that there’s no one “out there” for you, why are you on a site dedicated to helping women looking to find/create long-term relationships?  It sounds as tho’ you’ve already thrown in the towel.
     
    In my city, one of the most eligible bachelors has just announced his engagement. …
     
    so, if this story was merely to illustrate that men like their women younger, less educated, less successful, less attractive than them (but still cute)   and (a real bonus if they don’t understand the language or culture) why did you post this in direct response to a 50 something year old woman who has given up on men ?  To rub her nose in the fact that men her age will find her too smart, mature and be put off by the fact that she understands the language of her surrounding culture ?  (Ok, I AM being a tad snarky with that last sentence)
    And all the yada, yada, about how his foreign child bride was so relaxed and positive.  I really doubt that he had to IMPORT a youngster from another country to find a woman who was “positive” and loved babies.  It seems to me from this story that there is much MORE to this, than him merely, in typical male fashion, not being “impressed” by women with success, brains, etc.  It seems this man clearly NEEDS a woman that he can feel superior to IN EVERY WAY, financially, life experience, looks, success, etc.  This isnt’ a story about a man who married someone because she was ” feminine, positive and gentle. ”  This is a story about an egotist who wanted to marry some he could feel superior too.
    And if he ever tires of his young, sweet, thing, 3 babies from now, and leaves her for another woman, you can bet there will be angry men, using his story to illustrate how this “gold digger” raped him financially when he is court ordered to pay child support to her.
    But guess what, I’m not looking for some super-star, rich, drop dead gorgeous,  fancy man.  I would happily spend my days with a blue collar, kinda cute, but no knock out, guy with thinning hair and a slight pot belly, with some past baggage, a few annoying habits, and some personality flaws.  If he was kind, loving, loyal, consistent, generally positive and happy, and LOVED ME with all of his heart, even tho’ I am low income, kinda cute but no knockout, fairly nice figure for my age, but no Barbie doll, have some past baggage, annoying habits & personality flaws.
    At my age, I’m not looking for Mr Perfect and I know I’ll never be Mrs Perfect.  I’m looking for someone with a set of flaws I can live with, who can live with my flaws.  Not only will we “live with” each others flaws, but we will LOVE & CHERISH each other in spite of our flaws.

  24. 114
    Karl R

    Helen said: (#112)
    “what most men look for is a housekeeper/cook/slave,”
     
    And you’re basing this on a sample size of one (your one crappy ex-husband).
     
    If I wanted a housekeeper/cook/slave, it would be cheaper/easier to hire an illegal to fulfill those requirements. Unlike a wife, she’d have no claim on my assets if she decided to leave.
     
    If you believe that men just want a housekeeper/cook/slave, those are the only men you’re likely to end up in a relationship with. The quality men quickly learn that it’s easier (and more rewarding in the long run) to dump bitter divorcees, rather than try to persuade them that we’re not like “most men” they’ve dated.
     
    Helen said: (#112)
    “Give me a break guys, I have been in a bad marriage for more than 2 decades,”
     
    Guys won’t give you a break for that reason. You can either be a great catch despite being in a bad marriage for 2 decades, or you can get dumped for being a lousy catch.
     
    I may feel sympathy for a woman in your situation, but I’m not willing to pay the price for your ex-husband’s misdeeds.
     
    Helen said: (#112)
    “In addition to that, I had to endure daily insults and abuse. I stayed until my son finished high school.”
     
    I realize this advice is too late for Helen, but if any of the rest of you are in a marriage like hers, I’d recommend leaving immediately. Otherwise, your sons will grow up believing that husbands are supposed to treat their wives like that.
     
    Sparkling Emerald said: (#109)
    “sounds like he wants a woman to have power over, not someone he wants to connect with on the heart level.”
     
    He’s also the attractive, accomplished and exceptional kind of man many women on this blog feel they deserve (because they’re attractive, accomplished and exceptional women who are in the same age range):
    “one of the most eligible bachelors [...] He’s 51, a highly-ranked squash player, worth $8-figures, genuinely decent guy, comes from a ‘fine’ family and handsome, too boot.”
     
    This isn’t a story to give women hope. It’s a cold dose of reality for those who can’t stop chasing their fantasies.
     
    But feel free to keep seeking stories that give you “hope” that you might end up with one of these fantasy men. Let me know if those stories help you out in the long run.
     
    starthrower68 said: (#110)
    “I think there is a difference between the kind of love between friends, as you mention, and romantic relationships.  The ‘eros’ kind of love carries a sexual component that ‘familial’ or ‘agape’ love does not have.”
     
    I have been in “relationships” with women whom I felt eros for, but not philia or agape. None of those women became my wife. None became my fiancée. I didn’t even refer to them as girlfriends. They were sex partners, and I would not refer to those relationships as “romantic”.
     
    If a woman didn’t have the qualities required to become a friend, then I wasn’t going to waste my time pursuing a more serious relationship with her. Therefore, the qualities Helen mentioned are irrelevant in relationships. Nobody (except the most shallow people) likes/loves their partner because of physical attractiveness, accomplishments or being exceptional. I might lust after a woman who is attractive, but I won’t like/love her because of it. Being exceptional and/or accomplished won’t cause me to love/like/lust after her.

  25. 115
    starthrower68

    Obviously Karl. Obviously. 

  26. 116
    Helen

    I never said I was looking for another husband or anyone to move in with me. Just someone for occasional company.

  27. 117
    Henriette

    @SparklingEmerald 113   Several times in past threads, when posters disagreed with a point you’d make, you’d breezily write something along the lines of, “Well, wouldn’t it be interesting to see how many of those women who believed XYZ (opposed what you wrote) are actually in relationships and how many are alone bc they don’t appeal to men.”  It always made me chuckle, since it was clearly meant as a smack-down of any woman who didn’t tow the same line as you.
     
    So, do I now take the opportunity to state that any middle-aged woman who finds the tale of the “eligible” 50-something discouraging must be a bitter spinster/divorcee, unable to snag a man?  No, that would be both unkind and incorrect. 
     
    I will, however, state that I do feel for Helen and don’t want her to lose hope.  At the same time, I want to highlight that men whom we women often deem “eligible” are not the best choices for us, for any number of reasons.   As Evan might point out, the guy in my story is a wonderful match on paper for an accomplished, experienced 50-something woman. But since he selected a simple, homey 30-something, he clearly is not right match for the many women of his age who chased him, imagining that their degrees and understanding of the arts would impress him.
     
    @KarlR 107 &114:  Thank you for understanding what I was trying to accomplish by sharing this story.   I appreciate that Evan has created a blog that doesn’t tell us women, “Oh honey – you’re perfect as you are… it’s only men who need to change;” I have my girfriends for that.  Instead, he is dedicated to teaching us how men actually think and behave, even when we mightn’t like what we read.  
     
    The tale I shared served as a real-life reminder for me to do as Evan constantly recommends: to stop chasing men who I believe ought to admire a woman like me.  If a fellow’s not chasing me, there’s a good chance he wants something totally different than what I can offer.   I hoped it would do the same for other readers. 
     
    I won’t post on this thread again, since I’ve made my point and readers can either choose to learn from it or become annoyed with me for sharing it. 

  28. 118
    Peter 61

    BRIDE OF DRACULA
    Jo at 92 says wide age differences can look as if a vampire is at work.  Well Karl has been brave enough to put his video into the blog.  Click on my name and you will be directed to a photo album showing my somewhat younger partner and myself.  Please rate this on a Vampire scale.
    1 – Pass by in the street without noticing.
    to
    5 – Call for Van Helsing, Vampire slayer immediately.
    The profile picture of me is to assure you that I look exactly my age.

  29. 119
    Lorin

    Several months ago I posted about lack of decent men in Southeast Texas living an hour north of Houston in redneckville.  Two months ago, I moved into the city on the west side, an area known as the energy corridor as many top notch oil and gas companies have offices here.  This industry attracts educated people that have a healthy life style.  Within a week a  guy that is only 5.5 years younger than me contacted me through a dating website.  We have been dating since then.  He is just wonderful, educated, fit, not racist, and really a very kind man, and he doesn’t own any camo or guns, nothing like the men on the far north side.  And he isn’t afraid to date a slightly older woman, yet he is still within my age range of not being too young.  I don’t do ‘cougar’.  I get 25 year olds that contact me all the time asking if I’m a cougar….bleck, really that’s disgusting, I have kids that age.   And men think its fine to date someone the same age as their daughter…*vomit*  Dude, she was probably in daycare with your daughter playing barbies. 
    So even though originally I was very discouraged by the lack of decent men in my age group that fit my criteria of smart and fit and that would actually date women their own age….I can’t complain too much right now.  I have been lucky enough to find one.  So they are out there, rare, but they do exist.  I have hope again.

  30. 120
    Sparkling Emerald

     
    Karl R 114 He’s also the attractive, accomplished and exceptional kind of man many women on this blog feel they deserve (because they’re attractive, accomplished and exceptional women who are in the same age range):  I think I deserved to be loved by a decent guy, & I think that’s what MOST women want,  not looking for an 8 figure athlete, drop dead gorgeous, 51 year old playboy. And this story was told to a woman who has given up after spending 2 decades as a wife/maid. Not a woman pining away for a fantasy guy.
    “one of the most eligible bachelors [...] He’s 51, a highly-ranked squash player, worth $8-figures, genuinely decent guy, comes from a ‘fine’ family and handsome, too boot.”
     
    This isn’t a story to give women hope. It’s a cold dose of reality for those who can’t stop chasing their fantasies. Ok, well Helen said the story was to illustrate that men like younger women, and she told this in response to a woman who is no longer looking for a man, not a woman who was chasing a fantasy man. But whatever. 

    But feel free to keep seeking stories that give you “hope” that you might end up with one of these fantasy men. Let me know if those stories help you out in the long run.”
    I think you have also mistaken me for someone else, or you just falsely assumed that I want ” one of these fantasy men“.   Look, I don’t expect anyone to memorize every post I’ve made, but I’ve been posting here for a while, and I have stated often, that while I want to be with a guy that I find reasonably attractive,  I don’t really give a hoot about height, I don’t mind bald, slightly pot bellies, I’m willing to go 10 years younger or older than myself. I don’t need a rich guy either, just someone who is reasonably financially responsible.  My second hubby was 2 years younger than me, and an unemployed carpenter returning to school when we got engaged and subsequently married. Does that sound like I chased a fantasy ? He was pretty darn cute, but only 5’6″, and shy.   I was head over heels in crazy love with  him (which was a mistake, I know, so don’t slap me for that) I’ve shared that on this blog as well.  I HAVE mentioned that I do have a “thing” for “silver foxes” and I think one poster mis-interpreted that to mean that I ONLY date “silver foxes”, but that’s not even remotely true.  OK, so there is one particular type of handsome I really like, we all have a type that appeals to us, but at the end of the day I want to be with someone who is kind, honest, loyal and adores ME for ME, as much as I ADORE him,as is,  and we will love each other in all of our glorious human imperfection. As long as I find him physically appealing on some level (doesn’t have to be fireworks, in fact, I would prefer a comfy, cuddly attraction instead of mind blowing crazy attraction) and he treats me well, I will be happy, and I will spend every day of my relationship helping him to be happy.  If you think I said I deserve some drop dead gorgeous rich fantasy man, I would be interested to know when & where I said that.  Could you link to my post where I said that ?
    And Karl, yes, I will look for hope WHEREVER I can, but not as  you so wrongly assumed so that I can snag some 51 year rich playboy .  But I will look for stories that give me Hope, that somewhere out there, is a guy who could love ME.  What is so terribly wrong with that ?????????????
    I am curious Karl, you claim to be happily married, you posted a link to you dancing with your very attractive wife. What motivates you to come to this blog and constantly put women down.  I ask a question to clarify the meaning of “intentional relationship” and you give me a lecture to not care about what other people think.  Another poster talks about a guy who put her on a pedestal, describes behavior that EMK calls the pedastal principal, and you lecture her that the guy was NOT putting her on a pedestal.  Women state that they aren’t attracted to men shorter than them, and you call their “behavior”  stupid. 
    Do you think you are performing some sort of service, coming to a blog for single women, telling us how wrong and stupid we are ?  Maybe we just haven’t met our match yet.  If you are so happily married, why do you care what single women want from men or relationships ?
    Henriette 117  “@SparklingEmerald 113   Several times in past threads, when posters disagreed with a point you’d make, you’d breezily write something along the lines of, “Well, wouldn’t it be interesting to see how many of those women who believed XYZ (opposed what you wrote) are actually in relationships and how many are alone bc they don’t appeal to men.”
    You must have mistaken me for another poster.  I never said that, perhaps I was quoting someone else, and didn’t bold or differentiate the poster I was responding to, or you simply got me confused with someone else.  I know I have a hard time  keeping track of who said what myself.  It really wouldn’t make sense for me to imply that women who don’t think like me wouldn’t be in a relationship, because I DO THINK LIKE ME, and I’m not in a relationship either !  Also, I do not think women who aren’t in relationships are somehow defective or unappealing to men, I think it’s largely because they haven’t met their match, and the # of women who WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP outnumber the men who want to be in a relationship.  In fact, I think I’ve met more women that I think are in WRONG relationships, compared to the number of women that I’ve met who are alone due to some glaring unappealing trait.  I would rather be alone, than in a terrible relationship, but of course I’d rather be in a good relationship, but since I don’t have that, and I don’t intend to pursue that until my divorce is final, I have to settle for my second choice of lifestyles, single and hopeful.
     
    Henriette 117 “So, do I now take the opportunity to state that any middle-aged woman who finds the tale of the “eligible” 50-something discouraging must be a bitter spinster/divorcee, unable to snag a man?  No, that would be both unkind and incorrect.”    But you just did take the opportunity, to call me bitter and unable to snag a man.  You just did it in a back handed way.  As payback for some breezy remarks that you only THINK I made, but I never actually did. But you are half right, it IS an unkind remark, and half right because yes, I am currently unattached. Doesn’t mean I’ll be unattached forever. And I don’t want to “snag” anyone, I’d like to honestly connect with someone who WANTS to be with me.
    ———————————————-
     

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