Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find BoyfriendsDear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target—a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way—when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor—very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles—tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs—are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect—putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.

 

www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/group-coaching/focus.php

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Janice

    Evan, and bloggers – this one hit home. At 50, single and very attractive, I have dated those who indeed are only after the thrill of dating a “10″ – they only get one date – years of experience have helped me to see thru them. But, met someone a couple of months ago – he tells me how beautiful and smart I am, and fills my ego. Yes, I am insecure – never felt appreciated for more than just beauty – but I hide that insecurity very well. I can’t read him – goes from hot to cold – if I don’t respond to his voicemails, etc in a timely manner, his insecurities shine bright – thinking I am dating around, etc – I’m not. I don’t want to be with anyone but him right now, and have told him that. If I do timely respond, he acts like he has me wrapped around his little finger, and I don’t hear from him for a week or more. What’s up with this? Men I’ve dated have either been smothering or so aloof they can’t be ‘found’ … does this type of behavior have anything to do with my being attractive, and maybe his thinking every man out there secretly wants me, or that I want every man out there to prove I can have any man I want (which, I truly do not believe)… can someone please help me understand?? Trust me, natural beauty is a curse, not a blessing.

  2. 32
    m

    “Then I’m over her house for one of the first times and I ask where her recyclables are. I don’t recycle. Just throw it in the trash. Done.”

    Gosh darn, Markus.

    No suggestions? No education? No patience?

    You trashed the relationship because she wouldn’t recycle one time.

    If a woman wrote in, “I stopped dating him because I was over at his house and he wouldn’t recycle once,” you’d be ALL OVER HER about how inflexible and rigid and harsh and unbending and unworthy of a decent guy she was.

    And you men accuse us women of being rigid.

    More directly OT, I hope the guys Ashley is dating aren’t grilling her on the first date on her recycling habits. Just because a beautiful woman might have one flaw, you all (figuratively) beat on her, pull her letter apart, and take her to task because of your own terrors of rejection — and then you tell us we have to be flexible and put up with ALL your BS.

    Hardly a balanced way of relating, I’d say.

    (And E, man – the little dig about “pretty girls having different problems than fat girls”? Gee, I hope Kate Dillon and Megan Garcia – and Whitney from the latest ANTM season, for that matter – aren’t telling their friends not to read you anymore.)

    I’ll let one of the other ladies deal with the guy (Mark?) who said, “Yeah, Ashley, we run away from you because you’re aloof.”

    She didn’t say she was aloof. She said she appeared aloof because she was shy. Not only did you misread her and give her no credit for attempting to be nice, you attempted to blame your own fears of rejection on her.

    Geeeeez.

  3. 33
    Andrea

    Well said, Zann.
    I’m now wishing for an “edit” or “delete” button because I’m uncomfortable with the personal anecdotes that I posted.

  4. 34
    Shawna

    Steve: Picard — definitely Picard. :)

  5. 35
    Selena

    m-
    I found Marcus’ little rant about recycling amusing.
    “If I think you’re not a good person I won’t be able to stand being around you.” Feels that strong about not recycling? Wow. Gotta wonder what some of the other dealbreakers are.

  6. 36
    Steve


    Kristina May 22nd 2008 at 12:55 pm 29
    I’m attractive, my sisters are attractive and I know a number of attractive women- ranging from cute to drop dead gorgeous

    Kristinia. Please get in touch, ROFL :)

  7. 37
    Steve

    [i]Shawna May 23rd 2008 at 09:19 am 34
    Steve: Picard definitely Picard. :)[/i]

    I only date women who are Kirk fans. Oh well, maybe we can still be friends :-)

  8. 38
    hunter

    to evan,

    Single, small waist, large breasted, blond, 40 something in L.A?…they are very, particular about the public place they go to…..if they get out at all….I can see why…LOL!..

  9. 39
    Brian

    When I first started dating, I found two types of pretty girls–the first added intense attention to their hair, makup and clothes to their considerable beauty. The others were great looking but didn’t obviously obsess over their presentation.

    Personally I found the ones who spent much time on their appearance less interesting since they had less time to spend developing themselves and using surface presentation as a major part of presenting themselves was ultimately not that interesting. Having to regularly fight my way through the men who were interested in the look was more work than it was worth.

    The genuinely good/great looking were a different story. I found many had a hard time finding quality dates like the rest of us. Often tired of being “hit on” by guys looking for a ‘score’, being thoughtful and sincere was well received, though it often took longer to get their confidence.

    Ultimately, substance and compatibility always play well. Good looks and sex only get you so far in a relationship. In the end, it is just the two of you together. Being able to genuinely connect and having something interesting to talk about can carry you a lifetime.

  10. 40
    Markus

    m,

    I stayed in the relationship for a bit after that and more red flags popped up anyway. If it was something that could’ve been easily remedied…fine. But I’m 39 and she was 41. It’s not like no one knows how or why to recycle. I’m not a training camp.

    Selena,

    I’m very concerned about the environment and am looking for some level of concern about same. Recycling is EASY. If she can’t put a can in a different bucket how am I going to get her to buy recycled products that typically cost more?

  11. 41
    D

    Just my experience, I went out with this really HB for lunch. During the meal, at least 3 or 4 times I found she was checking out the guys who were walking in and out. It was a major turn off and I never took her out again even though she was interested in me.
    I would never do something like that even with a woman I had no interest in.

  12. 42
    Selena

    Marcus,
    “If she can’t put a can in a different bucket how am I going to get her to buy recycled products that typically cost more?”

    Sounds like she wasn’t the type of woman who wanted a man ‘to get her to do things’. Good for you for bailing out before wasting anyone’s time.

  13. 43
    Steve


    Markus wrote:
    If she can’t put a can in a different bucket how am I going to get her to buy recycled products that typically cost more?

    If you she isn’t interested enough in your values to put a can in a different bucket you can only imagine how difficult things will be on major issues.

  14. 44
    hunter

    to Brian,

    Men in their prime, do they really want to genuinely connect and have something interesting to talk about that will carry them a lifetime?

  15. 45
    hunter

    I agree with Kristina, attractive women find partners, as soon as they rid themselves of what some women call the “Cinderella Complex”….

  16. 46
    ocdgirl2000

    I had to respond to this. My response will be educational and will give you some insights into your future as a “pretty woman”. I was once, many, many years ago, considered pretty. I am now 54 years old, have a few grays, raised two children to adulthood who are now as old, if not older, than most of you here.
    Your looks will not last forever. You need to think “as if” you no longer had those looks, and consider the men in your lives as lifelong companions who will accept you when you are pregnant and not so pretty over the toilet puking, when you are post baby with a wrinkled tummy and a wide behind, and when you pass through menopause with gray hair and saggy everything.
    Will he still be there for you? Or will he be still eye-ing women who are young and pretty and asking for their phone numbers? Will he be looking in the mirror at his own recessed hairline, or will he be getting hair transplants and face lifts so that he can find yet another young thing on the side?
    Will he be a good father, or one who never has time for his children because he is too self obsessed? Will he be so busy working that he doesn’t remember your name? Take a look at this person who you are dating with an eye towards your future and eliminate the superficial stuff, you don’t have all the time in the world to spend on playing around with time wasters. You know inherently who they are, you have the judgment in you whether you want to admit to it or not. If you don’t want to be a committed person in a relationship, then you can have all the fun you want with men who only want to date pretty women, and you can focus on your career and being an independent single woman for the rest of your life.
    There is nothing wrong with that. No one says you have to be married or be in a relationship, or even DATE if you don’t feel like it.
    I’ve been divorced for 21 years, been there, done that, had several relationships, and now, it’s a peaceful place where I don’t have to deal with the advances of men who only want pretty women. It’s easy now! If a man was interested in me now, he would probably be looking to hook up with a woman who could take care of him, and being a Nurse, I don’t want to have that happen!LOL!

  17. 47
    hunter

    to ocdgirl2000

    I have heard women say what you just said. But, there has to be a fun way of dealing with this part of life.

  18. 48
    hunter

    To D,

    Women have a sophisticated defense system, she may have had other reasons for checking out men.

  19. 49
    ocdgirl2000

    Notably, some of us have chosen to remain single simply because we are narcissists ourselves. We tend to start our sentences with the words “I” “Me” and “my”, these words are used in just about every sentence of the original poster. This will certainly be the type of woman who will attract men who want that and most likely they will be similar types to herself, so she shouldn’t be surprised at who she attracts. The point is, you have to know yourself. Then you can adjust your dating preferences and goals for relationships based on that knowledge. Too bad we learn so late in life…

  20. 50
    Sara

    I’m so sad for Ashley. Who would have ever thought?

  21. 51
    Heidi

    Yay Evan! I like your stance. Being the pretty girl isn’t the easiest job in the world though some may like to think so! AND hearing a man oppenly acknowledge that fact is just amazing. You should forward a copy of this to the entire male population (and female too) so that perhaps finally we too can be understood.

  22. 52
    Brian

    To Hunter,
    I am not sure what you mean by “in my prime” but I look for someone who has something to say and good skill in the art of conversation. People would spontaneously tell me what a beauty she was, even now when we are in our 50s. The othe ingredient is the mutual love and respect that binds us together.

    Conversation? There was a time we went off to europe and spent a month touring in a small car with no one but each other to talk to in countries where we didn’t speak the language. While we spent ample time experiencing the romantic possibilities of places like a tiny hotel in a 13th century french castle, ultimately, it was the conversation that carried us through the day.

    Of course, great conversation also implies shared core values. I don’t long enjoy talking to a person who is dishonest or not trustworthy. A willingness to openly talk about themselves. and ultimately a willings to be emotionally engaged. make long term good conversation possible.

    Attractiveness is just that. After you have gotten each other’s attention, what you do afterward determines whether you progress beyond dating.

    Brian

  23. 53
    Steve

    Eda;
    Post #25. Though I am not a pretty woman ( and couldn’t be one even with drugs, a chain saw, and a bucket of paint ) I found your advice fascinating.

    People in general, are not likely to give feedback, particularly in dating related situations. No surprise there, it is usually a thankless job, even when solicited. You can expect hurt feelings, arguments and/or an awkward situation.

    I think your advice may work because the dynamics change. You basically have a good looking woman doing something that most men welcome: paying more attention to them by asking them for their opinion.

    Not useful to most of us, but for those helping good looking women friends with dating problems your advice is valuable enough to file away.

  24. 54
    Steve

    Hunter, Brian; About post #52. I concur.

    I am in my “prime”. I look decent, am fairly well rounded on the inside and I have a decent financial situation. I would still like to have sex with many more women, whether or not they are relationship material.

    It might be a sign of being a little bit on the lonely side these days, but I see a good conversation with someone I connect with as valuable as a wild night of mind blowing sex after a pick up.

    There is just something about finding a kindred spirit that is life affirming, complex and interesting.

    Then there is always mind blowing sex afterwards :)

  25. 55
    hunter

    To Steve,

    Stay on the internet, I have been told there is pick up artist information, if you keep looking.

  26. 56
    hunter

    I always wondered why the really pretty women don’t participate in beauty pagents, now I know.

  27. 57
    heather

    Evan – I think you advise is “right on.”

    To those of you that think being pretty is so easy. The majority of my life I was shy, quiet, not attractive and blended into the wall. I finally found my confidence and I am now comfortable with my looks. I don’t think I am a 10 but do get a lot of comments about being gorgeous, sexy and attractive. With that said, I can totally relate to Ashley’s problem. I think all women with self esteem problems think the pretty girl has it easy but after changing into that girl, I see quite the opposite. I used to envy a girlfriend for her good looks but never understood why she never wore makeup and never dressed to show off her figure. Now I totally understand why. When you get tired of the same patterns of men (even women) not taking you seriously and just seeing your appearance, you just want to find someone that likes your inside and the outside is a perk. I spent my late 20s and most of my 30s married. Coming back on to the dating scene with my new found confidence about four years ago, I find it really hard to find the good guys (guys that meet my standards and want the same things in life as I do). Here’s what I’ve learned.

    Ashely, you are going to have to weed out those that take you for only your looks. If you are on-line dating, try to get to know someone before you meet and make sure you just don’t accept a date because he asks you. If you are okay with not accepting every date (it’s not your social life) make sure there is something in it for you and what you want. If you don’t accept every date, you have to be willing to be alone. I find that I waste my time and his if I just go out because I get asked. Also, most guys under 40 don’t want a serious (get married) relationship. Actually I am finding that even those that have been married don’t want to marry again.

    And a few comments:
    Kristina post 29 wrote: “If these woman are single it’s for one of two reasons- either they want to be single or they are doing something that is causing them to be single.” – Get off your high horse! It really isn’t that simple, everyone is unique and has a unique situations.

    Nikita post 9 wrote: “So when you see that beautiful woman walking down the street, don’t just envy her, she may be more insecure than you expect and that aloof exterior only a front to ward off unwanted advances. Spare a thought, give her a smile and start a sincere conversation with her. You never know that she might say yes.” – I second these statements and it goes for women of any age or anyone in fact!! We are all human!

  28. 58
    hunter

    To heather,

    How true!….Some women don’t dress to enhance their figure. I remember dating a woman, who, at first sight, seemed to be, in the “plain, average” looks category. Until, we took our clothes off did I see her sexy figure. hhhhmmmhh…EEGGAAADDS!..

  29. 59
    Dr. Tartt

    Well said Evan! I wonder if we have a case of self-fulfilling prophecy going on? I wonder how long she really expects to maintain a man’s attention. You attract what you expect.

    Dr. Tartt
    http://www.drtartt.com

  30. 60
    Rachel

    Hey Ashley, HAVE FUN and stop worrying so much about “settling down.” That’s enough to make any guy cut and run, and they do pick these things up. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. Making that leap from dating to commitment has a lot to do with “right place, right time,” and you can’t control that. So what if these particular guys didn’t work out? Go out and do something you enjoy, and get to know the guys who are taking you out — maybe they feel like you’re not giving them a chance. You don’t have to give up your morals or standards, or anything like that, but I think you owe it to yourself to have a good time. You don’t want to look back in 5-15 years and slap yourself.

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