Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find BoyfriendsDear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target—a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way—when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor—very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles—tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs—are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect—putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.

 

www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/group-coaching/focus.php

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Goldie

    @ Karl #90 – I’ve got a question. While we’re on the subject, can you (or any of the other men on here, as a matter of fact) tell me how/in which way/how soon do you prefer to be rejected? I want to let people down with minimal pain, so we could be friends and/or business connections afterwards. So far, I’ve failed miserably. Over three months with one person, I gradually went from “eh, I didn’t really like it when he said that, but that’s a minor issue, the guy and I have a lot in common, I should give him another chance” – to “this man is so wrong for me and I so want this to end – but he’s got all those things planned and it would really hurt him if I ended it now – let’s give it another few weeks and then maybe it’ll end on its own”.
     
    So it got to the point where he asks me “So, are we exclusive?” and I look at him and realize there’s no way in hell I want to be this dude’s girlfriend.
     
    So I start hemming and hawing. Which in turn made him really mad, because apparently he hadn’t been expecting any answer other than “yes”. Chewed me out for fifteen minutes, went home and deleted me from his Facebook immediately :) And I’d really hoped we could have some business connection going on. We share the same hobby and could be of value to each other in that regard.
     
    The only thing I can think of is that I blew this one. Apparently, somehow by being polite and nice, I led him to believe I was madly in love with him, when in fact I was frantically looking for an exit. What can I do differently next time?
     
    As for rejection, IMO it is a blessing in disguise. It means you wouldn’t have been happy with the person, and, rather than wasting your time, they let you go, thus allowing you to pursue better opportunities – be it your work, hobbies, friends, seeing other people, or all of the above. On the subject of rejection, I really liked the “Just Got Dumped” post on this blog. Of course you shouldn’t “walk off” after a rejection. You should skip happily off, thanking the other person that it happened now and not twenty years into your marriage ;) I understand it’s hard to do when emotions get in the way, but logically, rejection is absolutely a good thing.

  2. 92
    Goldie

    *rather than waste your time*. I manage to sneak at least one grammar error in each one of my comments. Oops.

  3. 93
    Karl R

    Goldie asked: (#92)
    “can you (or any of the other men on here, as a matter of fact) tell me how/in which way/how soon do you prefer to be rejected?”

    How soon:
    As soon as you know that you don’t want the relationship, you should let the other person know. The earlier the relationship ends, the less painful it will be. The longer you wait, the more invested the other person becomes in the relationship.

    In which way:
    That depends upon where things are in the relationship. If you’ve only been out once (or not at all), a polite “No thank you,” when he asks you out is sufficient.

    If you’ve been dating longer, a face-to-face breakup may be the most appropriate way. It’s best to be someplace reasonably private while you’re breaking up, and someplace where you can leave after you’re done breaking up. (The other person’s home is one option if you’re sufficiently serious.)

    Be clear and decisive. For example, don’t say, “We should stop seeing each other for now,” unless you think you may start dating him again later. Instead say, “We should stop seeing each other.”

    Make it about you, not the other person. Some examples:
    “I want lots of kids, and you don’t want any.”
    “We’re at different stages in life, and I’m not comfortable with that difference.”
    “I just don’t feel that there’s the kind of chemistry between us that I’m looking for.”

    Be brief. The person doesn’t need to know every reason that you’re breaking up. One reason is sufficient.

    The other person may still get angry/upset. You’re not there for a fight. If they get angry, that’s your cue to leave.

    If you have any reason to believe that the other person might respond to the breakup with violence, take precautions to protect yourself. You can breakup in a semi-public place (with lots of bystanders who can’t overhear your conversation) or you can breakup by phone.

    Goldie said: (#92)
    “I understand it’s hard to do when emotions get in the way, but logically, rejection is absolutely a good thing.”

    It’s a lot easier if you don’t think of it as “rejection.” I think of it as, “She’s not interested in me,” or “I’m not the type of guy she’s looking for.”

    There are a lot of wonderful women that I’m not interested in for one reason or another. Therefore, it’s not a big deal if some wonderful woman isn’t interested in me for one reason or another.

  4. 94
    Goldie

    Thanks, Karl!
     
    As soon as you know that you don’t want the relationship, you should let the other person know.

     
    Ah, but my problem is that it takes me forever to find out. I’m always like, “This must be all in my head, I must be overreacting, it’s not that bad”… How do you think I stayed married for 18 years? ;) Guess this takes practice. I’ve definitely been analyzing what went wrong in my particular case, and how I could’ve caught it earlier.


    It’s a lot easier if you don’t think of it as “rejection.” I think of it as, “She’s not interested in me,” or “I’m not the type of guy she’s looking for.”
     
    Absolutely agree. Or, as I think of it, “if we get together, none of us are going to have a good time”. If the guy thinks we’re not a good fit, then we’re not a good fit, so, moving on is in my own best interests :)

  5. 95
    Lynn

    There seems to be a lack of chemistry with the men she is attracting.  She says she attracts many men, but I don’t remember if she described them well. Is there a particular *type* of guy she’s attracting? If so, she can avoid that type in the future (the no-chemistry type), and date someone the opposite of that. It worked for me. I’m  pretty average looking. I always tried to date quiet, bookwormy guys, since I’m a quiet bookwormy girl, but no relationship ever sparked. So, I changed my tactic, and went out with a louder, physically more assertive guy, whose personality is almost the polar opposite of mine. When he told me his uncle manages a strip club and he has dated lots of strippers, my first impulse was to quit seeing him but I fought the impulse. Turns out, the chemistry of opposites is HOT HOT HOT. We did break up for a while and we both dated other people for a few months, but we’re back together now. He told me he just “couldn’t stop thinking about me”. :-) He  talks marriage and longterm stuff a LOT. Fingers crossed this is the one.  It’s as close as I’ve ever gotten to finding the “One”.

  6. 96
    Misha

    evan, thank you so much for writing this… ive never seen anyone describe my experiences so very well.  not sure if this post is very old but i am going to comment anyway.
    im a 28 yr old attractive woman, which i would never normally say for myself except that i get hit on constantly and chased like crazy.  i am also incredibly shy/reserved, which comes off as coldhearted and aloof.  im not really insecure, just feel harassed and bothered by all the attention.
    if i was a happy smiley girl i would get talked to nonstop, so i have developed this serious face that i use when out in public so that im nearly unapproachable.
    i still get dates and boyfriends but have exactly ashleys problem.  in fact i have a phd in science, which makes it HORRIBLE in trying to determine if someone is actually ‘listening to you’ or ‘looking at you.’  i feel i am never taken seriously.  i am very difficult to talk to because i assume any strange man who is talking to me just wants to hit on me.
    i am actually pretty lonely sometimes.  it is hard to have female friends because females are naturally competitive and i have no interest in that.  i do better with guy friends (and ignore the subtext of them being attracted to me).
    at this point i subconsciously choose relationships with men who do NOT compliment me, hold out on praise, and tease.  after a while in these types of relationships i feel undervalued and unsupported, craving someone who compliments me.  its a bad cycle.
    i realize this sounds so bratty but for a shy person, being pretty is a bit of a curse!

  7. 97
    No Crap

    I know EXACTLY where Ashley is coming from.  And I agree with her.  I would absolutely NOT let my guard down unless/until a man showed that he was worthy of my trust.  If a man is so intent on having sex that he can’t wait until I’m ready, whether it’s date 1 or date 21, then I don’t want him.
     
    Basically, the way I read Evan’s advice is, if a man has looks and money, he gets what he wants.  If a woman has looks (and maybe money) she has to put herself on the line to be (potentially) used and abused because, well, men always get what they want, don’t they?

    1. 97.1
      Cat

      #99- No Crap – Nowhere does Evan say that “men always get what they want” (I’m sure there are plenty of men in the comments who would disagree with that!) or that ANY woman – regardless of looks or finances – has to put up with being “used and abused”… His new book, Why He Disappeared, is all about how NOT to feel used and to empower yourself to get the love life you deserve…

      It sounds like you’ve been hurt before, NC, but that doesn’t mean ALL men are sexual deviants who don’t care about women’s feelings and only want one thing… And it doesn’t mean that some women don’t enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship. If you never let your guard down and treat a guy like he’s untrustworthy and constantly has something to prove before he gets the prize (sex,) then why would he stay?

  8. 98
    Karl R

    Misha said: (#97)
    “at this point i subconsciously choose relationships with men who do NOT compliment me, hold out on praise, and tease.”

    You just validated the tactics used by Pick-Up Artists to score with attractive women.

    Misha said: (#97)
    “after a while in these types of relationships i feel undervalued and unsupported, craving someone who compliments me.”

    At least it sounds like you dump them quickly, even if you don’t consciously recognize them for what they are.

    Misha said: (#97)
    “i have a phd in science, which makes it HORRIBLE in trying to determine if someone is actually ‘listening to you’ or ‘looking at you.'”

    That’s not an either/or situation. Men aren’t that bad at multitasking. They are looking at you. They may also be listening to you.

  9. 99
    Helen

    If you genuinely don’t want men to hit on you, such as in professional settings, don’t dress or act in a way that would be seen as a come-on. Dress conservatively, put your hair up, don’t cake on the makeup, don’t tilt your head and smile. (But ah, therein lies the rub, no? How many of us, deep inside, really don’t want to be attractive?)
     
    Misha #97, your situation is not all that uncommon. I’m marginally pretty at best (a 6) and married, yet get hit on constantly by virtue of being a woman in a male-dominated scientific field. What you’re doing is exactly right: don’t smile too much, be aloof. Don’t worry that aloofness turns people off. When it comes time for you to be promoted, they don’t base it on how much they like you or whether you let them come on to you; they base it on the quality of your work. Keep focused.
     
    Accept that if you’re beautiful or even marginally attractive, you will get hit on. Don’t take it personally and don’t get angry or resentful about it. That just hurts you, and does no one any good. Understand that it happens to many, many people, even plain Janes. You’re in good company.
     
    If you have lots of men after you, how can you tell whether it’s worth giving them a chance?  Look for evidence of kindness in the men who pursue you. One way is to observe how they treat other people, not just you (the beauty queen).  I’ve seen it over and over again: if a guy is nice to you but mean, dismissive, or rude to others, he is NOT worth getting into a relationship with, and will eventually treat you poorly too. So, look beyond yourself.  At the very worst, you will end up dating lots of nice guys who may or may not be compatible with you. Not such a bad fate!
     

  10. 100
    Vicki

    While I won’t rate myself with a number (I find that SO offensive frankly), I have often been described by others as “pretty.” For me, the problem isn’t the men at all. It’s the other women. Many don’t want me anywhere near their boyfriend/husband and make sure I’m not included in their social events. Note to all women: I DON’T want your husband/boyfriend. PROMISE. Even women I considered “good” friends have said they don’t want to go “out” with me because it makes them feel ignored/unattractive when I get attention and they don’t.

    I often feel very shunned by women in general . . . hated even. Maybe this girl should look closely at her “supposed” friends. They are likely bashing her to any man who will listen (particularly the men they are interested in). I find it much easier to be friends with men – but then yes – the next problem is that they have very little interest in being “friends” per se. And the men you do date tend to have a problem with the male friends . . . So you end up feeling isolated, alone and without any true friends.

    To the poster – Take a long, hard look at the men who are willing to be a “friend” versus a “date.” That’s when you’ll hit the mother lode. I’d also take a long hard look at your female “friends” or social group. That could be where another major problem lies.

  11. 101
    Denise

    #102 Vicki

    I often feel very shunned by women in general . . . hated even.

    I’m always suspect when women claim that other women hate them.  And the woman who is hated typically says all the other women think they are taking away their men.

    If it’s one or two other women, those could be those women’s issues.  If it’s ALL women the person is coming into contact with, then one has to look to themselves to determine what is going on.  Whether they are attracting insecure women to their lives, or they have some sort of insecurity going on where they are seeing things in a certain way, oversensitivity, behavior, etc.

    Women successfully survive by having a strong network of women friends, it’s in our DNA.  That’s if the woman has a man in her life or not, it’s very important.  We instinctively seek other women out and it defeminizes us when we are excluded.

  12. 102
    Vicki

    #102 – Perhaps this was a strong overgeneralization on my part. But it IS what I have observed, over and over, particularly with regard to young and extremely attractive girls (which I pictured the poster to be). And I have seen this often enough (yes, even beyond high school and college) where it isn’t just a “fluke” nor can it be ascribed to a severe personality flaw on the part of said girl/woman. Not everyone, particularly in that age group, are the “strong network of women” that you describe.

    I stand by my suggestion that she be careful of the friends/men she socializes with . . . and seek out male/female friends (who are mature and secure) that are capable of being supportive and genuine friends in order to successfully survive. And yes, those people are out there too – and I hope that’s the kind of people she is surrounding herself with.

  13. 103
    Goldie

    I understand what Vicki is talking about. Growing up, I had very few female friends. All the girls were just so mean and catty. And I wasn’t even pretty as a teenager! Then gradually, things got better as we all got older. I think it’s an age thing. For the younger girls that are insecure about their own looks and attractiveness, have no idea what they want in a partner, and are all chasing the top 5% hot guys, it might be natural to see all other girls as competition… cuz hey, they are ;) A mature woman, on the other hand, has no competition. Simply because she knows what would work for her, and most likely it is not the one hot, wealthy eligible bachelor in her social circle… she has found her niche and the man she wants may not necessarily be the man everybody else wants. And anyway, she’s not going to sink as low as to fight someone else over a guy, especially since she knows nothing good will come out of it. She also knows that no one’s going to “steal” her husband or boyfriend, and that a husband or boyfriend that can be easily “stolen” by someone more attractive isn’t worth keeping in the first place. She is now in a position to really be a friend to other women.
     
    Like Vicki, for the longest time I got through life by having more male friends than female… I did not care if they fantasized about me on their free time, as long as we had each other’s companionship and support.
     
    I noticed a shift in the friendship dynamic after everyone got married and had kids. Suddenly being friends with other women became a LOT easier. Being around “geeky” girls helped as well ;)

  14. 104
    Barbara Nwosu

    I really try not to comment in forums but I am impressed.  Thank you for looking at it objectively.  The issue that has not been addressed is “mate guarding”.  This is critical.  When a man has to accept the fact that his woman is so highly desired by other males, he feels that he will be faced with staying on top of his “game” because just like the men who are constantly seeking to upgrade, she can also.  Men do not like this reality.
    The internet leveled the playing field for men to have more options or at least think that they do.  When a woman who is beautiful inside and out and knows it, she can have any man.  A boyfriend is just a date.  Don’t do permanent things with temporary people.
    A single 50 plus year old woman that has become more beautiful with time can have 20 year old men spellbound.  Focus on self without the restrictions of a single boy/man as an authority figure over you or arm candy.  Boyfriend’s really are not that special.

  15. 105
    prettygirl

     im in the same situation…this is my life– i nkow what u mean.. i cant meet a guy– im gorgeous nice sweet—all i get are weird guys wantin sex off me …raerly 2nd dates—
     it has been a huge problem for me– im also a really cool nice sweet girl but just keep meeting guys who want ‘sex’…not a relationship. And i go on dates all the time too–it leads to nothing….its not you….its that there are far too many sick guys out there who only want one thing…dont listen to waht others say trust me

  16. 106
    prettygirl

     its nothing she’s doing.. im a “TEN” by lame standards– im a model beautiful…etc….all i get aer men who want sex off me..it makes no sense….i’d be the perfect girlfriend…im monogamous loyal sweet kind compassionate– ive been single ALL MY LIFE….and the worst part is–for being amazing and unable to meet someone…you’ll then be criticized but its not you…..no guy will date me as a girlfriend..every guy uses me as a sex object, and im a virgin….it makes no sense…i cant meet a guy either….its nothing shes doing….its just the stupid guys…and bad luck….

  17. 107
    Karl R

    prettygirl, (#107 & #108)
    If you have an online profile, is it written in the same manner that your posts are? If so, that could be part of the problem.

    My knee-jerk reaction to your writing style was to assume you were below-average intelligence. Upon closer examination, I noticed that all of the misspelled words were due to typos. Furthermore, if you had correctly capitalized and punctuated your post, the grammar would be almost correct.

    So you’re probably above-average intelligence, but a truly careless writer.

    Why this is relevant:
    I value women’s intelligence. If I read a profile written like your posts, I’d rule the woman out before I finished the first paragraph. If you want to attract a man who values your mind, you need to write like a woman who has one.

    In real life, people will evaluate your speach patterns instead of your writing style. Perhaps you speak better than you write. If not, you’re likely to encounter men who decide you’re less intelligent than you actually are, and who rule you out as a potential date because of it.

    This misperception works against you in another way as well. Predatory sleazebags flock to less intelligent women. They believe that less intelligent women are more likely to have sex with them.

    Example:
    I had a coworker who was below average intelligence. One afternoon she told me that another employee made a pass at her. I assumed she’d imagined it until I (privately) confirmed it with the other employee. He’d invited her to his cabin for the weekend so he could have extramarital sex with her. He didn’t even find her attractive. He just assumed she was easy because she was dumber than everyone else.

    There are sleazy jerks out there, and you will continue to meet some regardless of what you do. But there’s at least one way in which you can improve your odds of meeting higher quality men.

  18. 108
    Bee

    I am basing my response on personal experience. I am also considered pretty (or so I am constantly told) and I also have this problem. But I also am very reserved and on guard constantly because of being bullied as a kid and having social anxiety. I have had several friends tell me upon first meeting me they thought I was a “bitch”. When they get to know me they discover differently. Sadly, I think a lot of men make assumptions about pretty women. They think we’re dumb, superficial, snobby, bitchy, etc. Which is hilarious because I often find that it’s the most attractive women who are the most insecure!

    I once posed this same question to a guy and was also told that, in general, men tend to be intimdated by pretty women. They assume that pretty women get hit on all the time, are already taken, etc. and are just too afraid of rejection to approach. I have also had guys I date confess that they worry I will “find someone better” and leave them.

    So I think it’s probably a combination of things. Most likely it’s a combo of men being intimidated by your looks and also possibly the signals/body language, etc. that you put out there. If you seem unavailable, men are going to assume you are.

  19. 109
    Kurt

    Barbara Nwosu, only a woman would think what you wrote – “a single 50 plus year old woman that has become more beautiful with time can have 20 year old men spellbound.”
     
    Women do not become more beautiful with time unless they were fat when younger and lose a lot of weight or somehow get surgery to fix a facial disfigurement.  If a man thinks that a woman is beautiful, that is almost always because of her looks, which absolutely do fade over time.

  20. 110
    Heather

    It really is true that pretty girls sometimes have a much harder time finding a relationship. I get asked by others (including men) all the time the same question, why is a girl like you still single. I really am not sure why. Most men I go out on dates with tell me how comfortable I make them feel and how easy I am to talk to. I am very outgoing and friendly. I have a good career (RN). I have one grown son. I’m 39 but look much younger thanks to good genes. I get flirted with and even asked out on dates. But it doesn’t ever go much further than that.

  21. 111
    matey

    Thank you for writing this Evan, such a great article.

    I felt much the same was as Ashley when I was younger. Thank you for reminding me of one of the great positives of getting older, and putting on a few pounds  – I am no longer that girl. Of course the therapy helped get my self esteem where it should be too. 

    The other tough part of being attractive is sexual harrassment. I had men and women grab at me when I was younger, and can remember being scarily chased around two Italian cities. Once by two men who’d just made myself and a friend dinner, and another time by a group of about 10 of them. Plus the jealousy of other women can be very painful; while some people presume you have life on a plate and so treat you with contempt, or try to disadvantage you. I had a college professor do this to me.

    I have read that men complain beautiful women are always unstable – these are possibly the reasons why.    

  22. 112
    matey

    P.S. To all those pretty girls out there: find other pretty girls to be firends with. It worked great for me, my best pals are all stunningly beautiful – they know the emptiness of the attention you get, so they’re not jealous. And they know the situations you’ll find yourself in. Myself and my friends were asked if we are a girl band the other week when we all wet out for a birthday lunch!  

  23. 113
    Sarah

    “You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.””

    What’s that old expression about buying the cow versus getting the milk for free?  Post-sexual-revolution, men are “rightfully” entitled to free milk?

    Thank God my experience has been that many men are respectful if a woman chooses to wait to have sex.  Sex is a big deal, after all; it can cause life or death.  Men who don’t respect that are slimeballs.  Kick them to the curb.

  24. 114
    Karl R

    Sarah asked: (#115)
    “Post-sexual-revolution, men are ‘rightfully’ entitled to free milk?”

    You’re misunderstanding what Evan means.

    Let me give you an example that may sound more familiar to you:
    Before dating me, my fiancée dated a widower whom she’d known for years. Every three or four weeks he would ask her out, but he never tried to move things to the next level. He had plenty of reasons for not calling often: his business kept him busy; he lived two hours away; he was worried about what his (grown) children would think.

    At this point you’re probably thinking what I was: He just wasn’t that into her.

    He liked being with her. At least he liked it when he was already in town, and if he didn’t have anything better to do. But it was pretty obvious that she wasn’t a priority to him.

    If you’ve ever been in a relationship like that, how did that make you feel about yourself?

    Sarah said: (#115)
    “Thank God my experience has been that many men are respectful if a woman chooses to wait to have sex.”

    I respect that choice, but I don’t put much hope in it.

    There’s been a fairly normal speed for the progression of intimacy in my relationships. If a woman is moving substantially slower than that, it’s because she just wasn’t that into me. That’s even true for women who have deep-seated religious beliefs. If they’re into me, they’ll start bending their rules.

    Women might keep a respectful distance with their male friends, but they don’t keep a respectful distance with the men they want as their boyfriends.

    If a woman is maintaining that respectful distance, it’s rather easy to guess which category I fall into.

    Sarah,
    Since you’re human, I’ll assume you’ve bent (or broken) your own rules before. Did you bend the rules for men you just sort of liked, or for men whom you strongly desired?

    I respect a woman’s right to choose to wait. I also acknowledge that every woman who has wanted me has chosen not to wait very long.

  25. 115
    miss overit

    Ive read what you have said and , considerd not normal for being pretty. Its offencive to a point as i am humble and have not lost my value system and have been stomped on by men my whole life, why , because i am over the facard of your hot so lets just have sex, after years of this eventualy hot woman get nasty what do people expect, its not our fault men think we are good looking, i see and always have seen my self as normal but now 32 i still cop the flack , milf , your 32 so your stable and lets just do booty calls, its not fun for us either, no one gets out this world un scared every one has to pick at some one or something and i dont think there are answers you just have to get by with who you are ,..

  26. 116
    melissa92

     I have the same problem.. I know how you feel…it makes no sense…whether you’re pretty or not it’s just an epidemic going on with guys today…but yes it happens to pretty women a lot– you’re just an object…I too am a very beautiful woman and can’t get a boyfriend….no there is nothing a pretty girl ‘isn’t doing’…its odd and bizarre—it makes no sense to me and defies rationality- how can a very pretty girl have a hard time getting a boyfriend? ive experienced that many men…seem to not want to be with a pretty girl shockingly—ive been single 32 years of my life…the only thing ive met are very psychotic males who want to mentally torture me and nothing else (no not even want me for sex egads)…. or guys who want to use me for SEX and nothing else and i mean a one night stand and that’s it—most guys dont even want ongoing sex witha  pretty girl–its very weird….im really not suer what’s going on to be honest…ive also witnessed many men with grotesque or ugly/fat women….decent looking guys with women who are almost repulsive and they seem to very attracted to the ‘unattractive’ and not the ‘attractive’…thsee same males who are infatuated with a fat/homely mean female, are disgusted by me and shun me and give me ‘eww’ looks and are very mean to me….there are probably 50 varying factors as to why most males in this society seem to overlook ignore or not want to be with a pretty girl…a lot of guys also arent really looking for a commitment…and just want ‘sex’ too….

    many males these days have dead/non-existent egos and a pretty girl is a huge threat to their egos so they feel much better with a fat/unattractive female too…  they also feel unworthy of a pretty woman or uncomfortable around her so they do teh first thing that comes to mind– try to use her, ie get sex off her and bail and nothing else or they feel theyre not good enough for her…so they do again what comes naturally—try hard to get what they can get off her and leave… overall youre just living a really sh*tty time in society where ego driven insecure losers are walking around everywhere and any remote instance of ‘beauty’ terrifies them to such an extreme that they rush to monsterly females who are mean psycho or weird and feel much better around these women (again it shocks me)… so theyre scared of beauty/pretty and not scared of ‘scary’….not to put other women down but it confuses me why men aer so hostile towards me, rather than fawning….and they kiss up to unattractive women…they also feel less insecure abou tgetting rejected by a fat/ugly woman so they have no problem asking these women out—but if they insult and mistreat a pretty girl and she rejects them it’s such an ego kill they can’t even get their pathetic selves to do it—most men tehse days are weak, terrified retards and pussies and that is just the sad truth– they are scared of anything and everything…rejection, pretty women, this that…so they stick to what makes them feel ‘comfortable’…the only ‘confident’ males out there are scum and douchebags looking to get laid and that’s about it….also its not true that if youre pretty you get entitled treatment—there are many many jealous people out there and u dont get entitlement…you get abused or mistreated if youre pretty or bullied…it happens to many

  27. 117
    melissa92

    I used to also have a friend…who was 48 years old–she was pretty but of course older—she could get any guy she wanted and had men literally fawning all over her–she ended up seriously dating a 33 year old guy who was pretty cute—that same 33 year old guy…used to treat me very oddly/badly…he’d give me dirty looks and act as if i was weird…i was 28 at the time and very very hot…my friend would even say to her other friends “i found someone who’s even more beautiful than me”! So its very confusing…why males…are not into young beautiful women and seem to be into anyone who is older, unattractive or anything…it almost seems that in order to get a male you have to have some kind of ‘flaw’ and if you don’t men will treat you with contempt and hatred—this has been my experience….a male who treated me horridly…and refused even sex with me and treated me solely as an ‘object’ for years–would say “you’re TOO beautiful”…this man…”never” had sex with me and got off on mentally terrorizing me…he called me a ‘sex goddess’ several times yet still wouldn’t have sex with me—shocking…as a beautiful woman ive experienced this too–males sexually rejecting me–or just wanting a ‘one time encounter’ with me which would be dominating, unpleasurable for me and that’s it…basically as a hot woman ive learned that males only want one thing form me—to use or dominate me–that’s it…to hurt degrade or reject me– or even cruelly torture me in various ways–mentally etc… though im pretty and sexually so appealing…men don’t want to pleasure me…they only want to hurt/degrade and torment me—though women aer of course cruel and equally hate me…and avoid me altogether—men too are jealous of you and want to do the same…its so strange having to experience this….you realize….you’re treated as an object, a freak, an alien…its almost as if you’re not human…b/c humans dont treat you normally or equal or even close– i get mistreated abused judged degraded, by almost everyone–male or female…and im so hated by men…i cant get a boyfriend, just random males wanting to treat me lower than i can describe– cruel horrid treatment….i too have come to a point of despising men…however…there’s no nice guy that has changed that– i despise men b/c they have ‘all’ been the same to me– cruel mean abusive wanting to hurt or ruin me and nothing else….its an odd reality and feels like some kind of parallel universe or twilight zone– it seems surreal…how can that guy want to be with ‘that’ weird woman and love her and have sex with her– then come across a beautiful nice goddess/angel and reject/shun/abuse mistreat her and walk off…so weird…

  28. 118
    Still Looking

    Melissa92 @118, 119

    The two most attractive women I’ve gone out had personalities that were polar opposites.  #1 was sweet, fun, easy-going, very easy to talk with, etc.  #2 had a very thin veneer of the same but it didn’t take long before I started seeing signs of feelings of entitlement, superiority, and basically a spoiled princess mentality.

    I had no problem walking away, quickly, from #2.

    We know how you assess your physical attractiveness but how do you perceive your inner-beauty?  Have you ever asked a date for a no-holds-barred post-date critique or perhaps asked a friend for the same?

     

  29. 119
    Anonymous

    Evan says “A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

    If a man is absolutely nuts about you (in a good way) and is serious, he will wait and not run off just because he didn’t get sex as soon as he would like. 

    As taboo as it is to say in today’s culture, I do feel there is truth to the old adage that men will cherish what they had to work hard for.   People will say it’s crazy, but their actions do the opposite of what they say. The same man that says he will never wait to have sex after the 4th date complies with his dream girl that sets the boundary.

  30. 120
    cameron

    Yes, pity the pretty woman!  Especially if she’s shy!!!  Being a very pretty and shy woman was a terrible experience in my 20s.  I had men constantly hitting on me, but no one taking me seriously (literally, I was the “dumb blonde” in their eyes, despite the fact I was earning my doctorate in chemistry).
    As for advice offered by well-meaning commentators, you’re wrong about a lot of it.  First off, pretty women can’t always be friends with men.  They only want to date you!  I actually had quite a few self-proclaimed nice guys telling me they couldn’t handle just a friendship with me.  (And believe me, I wasn’t leading anyone on.)
    While, I didn’t have too many problems with women, a few of my close friends couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t hop into bed with any guy that showed me attention.  Sadly, they would have.  Their resentment was tempered by my prudishness, I guess.
    Oh, and it’s total nonsense to suggest older men (in their late 20s/30s) as a possible solution.  If anything, these more “mature” men treated me more like an object than guys my age.
    BUT, it does get better ladies!  Maybe this isn’t what you’d like to hear, and maybe it will be different for you, but getting older has its benefits. 
    I found that as I entered my 30s, even though I had fewer men approaching me, the ones I got were quality.  Once I became “expired goods” as far as douche bags were concerned, I began to meet much better men.  Don’t worry, you don’t have to turn into a hag.  I was still a hottie when I met my man at 33 and I couldn’t be happier!  
    Bottom line: be patient!

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