Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find BoyfriendsDear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target—a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way—when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor—very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles—tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs—are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect—putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.

 

www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/group-coaching/focus.php

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Mike

    @melissa92 #119

    “i too have come to a point of despising men…however…there’s no nice guy that has changed that– i despise men b/c they have ‘all’ been the same to me– cruel mean abusive wanting to hurt or ruin me and nothing else”

    i am sorry you have gone through this but i’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that if you were to have met me back then the following points would have occurred:

    1. i would not have treated you in the manner you say ‘all men’ have treated you and..
    2. you would never know that because you would have taken a pass on me.

    my exwife spent 4 years with a sociapath who tormented her mentally and cruelly, even openly displaying a pack of condoms in his luggage on a business trip that she was not going with him on. She spent another 4+ years with a man who was incapable of showing basic emotion and made her pay 50% of everything even when their income levels were a staggering 5 to 1 ratio disparity. Yet she ended it with me in less than 3 total years, 1 married, showing her nothing but love, commitment and support. I have no rational reasoning for this type of behavior except that some women are simply drawn to destructive behavior and poisonous relationships (both sexes are guilty of this, my sin was trying to be the white knight).

    IF you had gone out with someone like me and there was actual love there, I would have showed you a different world, unlike anything you’ve experienced. Sadly, most women won’t take a chance on me, because I’m an introvert and astonishingly do not go out of my way to be the center of attention or play the badboy that seems to be the bullwalk of attraction in the mating dance nowadays.

    I can almost guarantee you with certaintee you would not bother with a guy like me. You seem to be stuck in a destructive self fulfilling prophecy. That’s for you to resolve.

  2. 122
    Babs

    I find this article scary, actually to say ‘tall, blonde, thin waist n big boobs’ is beauty is scary. That sounds like a doll to me. I think such definition of beauty is selective n very few would make it into the list, except off course if you blonde your self- this is narrow thinking. There are dark, shorn, not thin waist beautiful people out there. Beauty is, as one put it, a social construction. Reason am saying this is I get a lot oof favours from men, get treated nicely n am not blonde or tall or thin waisted. Its about how u feel, I admit my face maybe prettier, but its how u feel, how u dress, how u take care of ur inner n outerself that make you beautiful. Some cultures or people place beauty on virtues like kindness/humility n so on. This is not to say there are no pretty people, but that is not seen as the most important thing. If we accepted that we are spiritual n physical beings n bring our innersselves out there there mite be less objectification of women. But no, the media has us focused on our pimples, waists, buttocks n so on, n the inner is dying and not presented – what a lie. let us take care of our outter for it is good to so our health is important n it is good to look good, but our inner is more important. Let us also extend the definition of beauty to inner ond outter beauty. Let us extend so wide that in our 60’s n 70’s we won’t need the knife /plastic surgeries to be called beautiful. I am in my 20’s n I know that I have to embrace my beauty as I grow. We don’t wanna go thru the trauma that some ppl who have only known outter beauty experience. Let us declare ourselves beautiful n expect better treatment n favours, am experiencing that and sometimes I wonder how I really look cause I don’t fit in this definiton of beauty, but I am beautiful, not in my own special way (which is to say to myself only…lol) but in every way n to every one.

  3. 123
    justme

    To Mike, post 123

    For every guy out there complaining that some woman overlooks him and goes for a hot guy, I think there is a girl in his life that he considers a great friend but he isn’t interested in her because he is overlooking her for the hot girl.    I too am an introvert.  I am not the center of attention, I don’t even like to be the center of attention.  But when a guy does notice me, he wonders where I’ve been hiding.  I’m not beautiful but I think I’m cute, I’m fit and I’m loving and nurturing.  Relationships mean a lot to me and those that I form in my life tend to life long. 

    It goes both ways, men always think women are overlooking them for a hot guy, women think men overlook them for the hot women. 

    I think this is why Evan’s advice to want the one who wants you is so powerful.  Why waste my time on the guy who isn’t interested in me?  I want to give my time to the guy who does think I’m beautiful and finds out that the best part of me is my heart.  

    Kris 

  4. 124
    anna

    I learned the hard way I want a man to tell me when he thinks I’m pretty or attractive if he is interested in pursuing me. I have had it with men who act put out if I’m not interested in them or don’t want to have sex with them, yet they can’t even “court” me by telling me I’m attractive (and I am very much so). 

    There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated like a desireable woman by the man who is pursuing you or seeking to date you. I’ve had enough of being pals with men. 

    At the same time, it would be so nice to date a man who doesn’t assume I’m not as smart as him. I am sick of men telling me after they get to know me that I am so much smarter than they thought. 

    But reading all the comments confirms for me what I have experienced too many times–most men DON’T want to believe a woman could be beautiful and smart. Therefore I’ve come to believe most men are deeply insecure–and I’m at an age where I realize many of them are delayed by dealing with mother issues (unconscious or not). They might screw a million women or resign themselves to a life of repressed hell with a controlling woman–or they just don’t know how to act like a gentleman who cares about a woman. But so many can’t fathom a woman is all that. Well she is. 

    And what so many of them also can’t fathom is that a woman (who is all that) would love to support the right man and give everything and grow in a lifelong mutually nurturing relationship full of great sex, trust and joy. 

    Comments here also confirm my experiences, which are that so -called good friends couldn’t have me around them after they got married–even though I was alone in total grief over losing my parents. The last thing I gave a shit about was their lame husbands, who were nice enough but nothing I would ever want. 

    So what it boils down to for me is this: are we really all so lame and insecure that we can’t see one another as human beings instead of objects or walking resumes? We love to think we’ve come so far–but most men and women are still like overgrown children still trying to learn how to adjust their breeches and act like adults.  

  5. 125
    Greg

    @Anna

    Maybe men are turned off by your arrogance.  Even though a man may be very arrogant himself, its not likely that he likes a woman who thinks she is the best thing in the world (super beautiful, smart all that).  Men are not intimidated by beautiful or smart women.  We actually prefer that.  But there are other things that are more important than physical beauty and intelligence to men when it comes to choosing a mate.  I think you’re overestimating the power of your beauty and intelligence to attract men.  Many of the most beautiful women I know have the worst relationships.  Then again, despite their beauty I wouldn’t want to be with them long either.  They may be hot and smart, but they don’t make good girlfriends.

  6. 126
    Michael

    LOL…

    I have NO sympathy for the pretty woman’s “struggles.”

    Any woman can make herself look less pretty. If she’s tired of being treated as a sex object, then she should simply make herself less attractive. That way, she won’t have to worry about the special treatment “issues.”

    In my opinion, most attractive women want to have their cake and eat it, too.

    They want to wear clothing that accentuates their curves, yet they will complain when the “wrong” man stares at them.

    They flirt with male suitors, yet they will lament when men seduce them.

    I could go on…

    The truth is: men carry approximately 20X more testosterone than women, so men are just being…men. We’re sexual creatures. We think about sex all day long. Constantly.

    Pretty women know this–and that’s why they dress sexy and excude flirtatiousness. They know it’s all about wielding power over men.

  7. 127
    Goldie

    @ Michael #128, see this is exactly what the problem is, or at least part of the problem. Very attractive women are being stereotyped. People see a very attractive woman and automatically assume things about her, not all of them good. That’s one thing. Another, back to your comment, there’s nothing wrong with sex, I’m sure very attractive women want it too, but problem is, some people treat them as status symbols. People would try to have sex, or some semblance of a relationship, with a very attractive woman, not because they like her as a person, not because they think she’s a good match for them as a person, but for bragging rights, so they can later tell their friends “I banged a hot chick”. This, IMO, is the really crappy part.
     
    Of course, we’re all being stereotyped in one way or the other, pretty girls are no exception. No one has it easy.

  8. 128
    Saint Stephen

    @Goldie
    U’re right and i agree with you that is completely shitty to bang an attractive girl for bragging sake.

    But you seem to forgetting something, and that is who this attractive women date. Extrapolating based on my anecdotal experience, I’ve always seen a scenario where this attractive women select the best looking blokes even with little or no regards to the man’s character. Hey i’m not saying anything is wrong with an attractive women selecting an equally attractive male, but the problem is the attractive women by far outnumber attractive men. And for every above average attractive guy their are 10 equally above average attractive women like that for him- all seeking to date him. If he’s only gonna marry one then the rest becomes notches added to his belt.

    That been said. I have a friend who seems to be every woman’s desire. He’s 6 2″ tall, very attractive and solidly built. He takes his pick from the best looking women and changes them like pack of cards, month after months (Of course this are women most men will love and adore and would even cringe at the thought of gambling with their hearts).
    It came a day i called him out on his behavior towards women, and he responded by saying, what’s his business if they all want to be with an attractive dude.
    He ended the conversation by telling me that they all turn into his rabbit post-banging. Sad but true, as the women all seem happy and smily the first month but look sad and gloomy by the second.

    Not trying to sound harsh but whenever i see a pretty woman sniveling about lack of boyfriend i immediately envisage a shallow woman who selects men based on looks- not character. 

  9. 129
    Fabiola Martinez

    Oh my god! So everywhere is the same thing! I’m in Mexico, not having dates so often now, due the same reason.  What to do then?  I’ll read all the comments though.  Kind regards, Evan.

  10. 130
    Rachel

    I am not attractive and a lot of guys I meet only want to sleep with me. There are a lot of guys out there like that.

  11. 131
    Ron Diggity

    This article really struck a personal chord with me.  People never really understand how hard life can be for us ridiculously attractive people : (

    But the practical person in me says that less attractive people have many of the same “you’ll never know” worries, as well as a whole host of others – and they don’t get to drown their sorrows in free vacations to the Carribean and VIP treatment at the hottest clubs.

    I also compeltely disagree that men want to bag celebrities b/c they are famous. They more simply due b/c they are attractive.  Women on the other hand put more stock in that social status thing.

    I’m proud of Evan pointing out that attractive women are often socially handicapped from a life of preferential treatment.  Really, most all women are to some degree, but perfect 10’s? To be honest, I don’t know how they could escape it.

  12. 132
    Gabe Asher

    Pretty women have more choices, but less options. Most people fall into the 4-6 range, which makes them average. This gives people in that range a LOT of choices for potential mates. A woman who is a 9-10 is only going to date another 9-10, making her options nearly non-existent, as there are many more hot chicks than high value dudes.
    .
    Respect. Tough to be a chick. Hot or not.

  13. 133
    Gabe Asher

    An overlooked factor, the bitch shield. We’ve all seen it, fought it, even laughed at it. Most truly hot chicks develop a bitch shield early in life out of necesity. It’s the easiest way out of pick-up attempt. They know if they give one nice smile, or re-engage the conversation, the guy will never leave..
    .
    A strange phenomenon I witness is average looking chicks with bitch shields. Not a good program for her. She has envied really hot chicks and has chosen to act them, not realizing the hot chick does it out of necesity. So now you have an average looking chick with a bitch shield. She’s screwed, whereas a super hot girl with a bitch shield will STILL get action.
    .
    Another thing that happens is when a hot girl loses her sexual power as she ages, but doesn’t drop the bitch shield because she is so used to it. This is a downward spiral of bitterness as she gets approached less, making her more bitter, and more bitch face etc. Very common among aging beauties.

  14. 134
    Miranda

    Eh, I don’t know. I am generally considered very attractive. I have done some modeling, people tend to effuse about my appearance a lot.
     
    I will admit, its difficult for me to meet men unless I am out drinking… I think partially because I’m very shy without a couple drinks and so I come off as aloof to most people. However, once I get a first date, I ALWAYS get a second date and I have no problem at all turning a date into a relationship.  In fact, I usually have the opposite problem where I am the one who just wants sex and they wind up wanting a relationship. Then again, I think part of this is that I really won’t go out with guys unless I feel like I have some chemistry with them ahead of time.
     
    Like some people have suggested, maybe you just need to loosen up a bit and not be so withholding. I pretty much always have sex on the first date, sometimes I even have sex before having a date. I just try to really put my personality out there and let guys know that I might look pretty but I’m actually just a huge nerd. I also dress pretty modestly and don’t pile on tons of makeup until I am in a steady relationship.
     
    I think you just have to focus on emphasizing your personality and maybe pick the right look. Guys just wanna screw “hot” girls, but they fall in love with “beautiful” girls. Don’t be afraid to seem a little vulnerable… it will make you less intimidating. I tend to play up my nerdiness/social awkwardness a bit and for whatever reason guys go for it.

  15. 135
    larry G

    Beauty can be a CURSE. My family is filled with beautiful gals and i have witnessed the pitfalls . I have dated some great looking woman over the years and since she has a laundry list of possibilities you never know where you stand.  

    We are drawn to beauty life a moth to a flame and its something that we – us guys secretly want. 

     “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
    Never make a pretty women your wife
    Go for my personal point of view
    Get an ugly girl to marry you”

    A player wants a trophy and the shy guy is afraid to approach her . No win there for the beautiful women. The first thing that thinks about you is your beauty and never what’s inside- integrity.

    Look for the guy who can get past your looks sometimes and treats you like a queen. He’s the one to keep.

    Look for the diamond in the ruff who appreciates that you gave him the time of day. 

    Gratitude can last a life time.   

  16. 136
    hespeler

    Gabe Asher 134

    Pretty women have more choices, but less options. Most people fall into the 4-6 range, which makes them average. This gives people in that range a LOT of choices for potential mates. A woman who is a 9-10 is only going to date another 9-10, making her options nearly non-existent, as there are many more hot chicks than high value dudes.

    Respect. Tough to be a chick. Hot or not

    Unfortunately I believe the above to be true.  Every 10 I’ve went out with has NEVER resulted in a second date.  Now it could be bacuse I was just fine but all the possibilities that 10 has available to her keep getting me lost in the fray. 

    But as hard as it is, I am trying to honestly reavaluate my worth on the market.  I actually thought that at 6’2″, very fit, and good job (no not rich but good six-figure salary) made me close to to an 8 or 9.  I’ve been told I’m handsome but in reality, although I’ve had no problems getting girls, I can’t really say they have ever really fawned all over me.  Still in all, I know I’m a quality catch but the really attractive ones find it no problem passing me over.

    All of the 10’s I’ve been out with (there hasn’t been that many) seem to have a great time with me but always politelty (sometimes just ignoring) wish me the best of luck, even though they felt enough of a spark to kiss me on the date.  That tells me that they like me well enough but think they can do better.  Very humbling for an already very humble guy…

    Couple the above with Mike 123’s post (I’m also that guy) and I believe I will perpetually get passed over by the beautiful, charismatic, aloof women I and many other men find so intoxicating.  I’m 38, divorced (no kids), have a career, own a house, and most of my friends are married.  There is no way in hell I can come across as edgy at this point in my life.  I can only be as confident and charming as I know how and this will come with a dose of humility.  None of this will have a girl salivating on a first date and if she’s really beautiful, why would she bother with me a second time when she can find what she perceives to be more exciting, more handsome, more rich, etc.

    Therefore, I perpetually put myself through torture and frustration (including sexual) chasing beautiful/charismatic women in lieu of finding something fulfilling but that may not be my ideal fantasy.  Something HAS to change.  It has to.

    I recently ended a 3 month relationship with a wonderful girl that really liked me and was probably a 6 in the looks dept but she really liked me and would have made a great wife and mother.  I ended it because I just didn’t feel chemistry and a strong physical attraction to her.  Around the time I was ending it I got a date with a girl from Match who was everything I was looking for in looks/personality and everything else.  I thought the world was my bounty and thought that I would have no problem getting a second date from her.  Wrong.  Though it seemd she had a great time (and I’m sure she did), I never made it to round 2.  I recall her saying how she hates Match, gets 30/40 e-mails a day and she’s quitting as she doesn’t have time for all this.  After she discarded me, I see her right back on Match, one, two months later.  Too many options for her and too little time.  There was no chance of me getting to round 2 unless I sparked that amazing chemistry with her.  I’m sure a lot of other guys are scratching their head after getting one date with her too.  So I go from having a really nice girl to nothing at all.

    Finally, I have to disagree that there are many more beautiful women then men.  I do agree that there are but are they available and are not just in the periphery?  Not really, that is very rare.  Especially online, there isn’t an endless supply of pretty girl/great personality profiles on Match (not in my experience anyway).  Getting to date one with one of these girls is a minor miracle, getting to date two seems to require divine intervention.

    As EMK says, go for a 7 in one or two areas and 10’s in other areas of a relationship.  This is really hitting home, I just don’t know how to reprogram myself to just do it.  It’s so much easier said than done.  The fear of getting in too deep and feeling unfulfilled is a great
    detractor.

    Pretty girls…yep, they have it tough alright…

  17. 137
    Sue

    Hi there everyone. I don’t know much about giving advice as I have made a lot of mistakes when it came to men. Not all there fault though. I’m 45 and a mother of two. Thats a no no when it comes to men an relationships but I have read everyones comments and have to say one or two realy made me furious. Written by men of cause. I’m tired of hearing what a woman should and shouln’t do to find Mr. Right. I believe it is my right as a human been to lay down the rules when engaging in a new relationship and if a man doesn,t like that he’s not the Mr. Right. If you don’t look after yourself believe me the next day you are know as the easy girl and then you have your hands full to keep the men away. I believe both men and woman needs to understand we are different and eccept that as a fact ans stop making excuses. People in general became superficial, shallow and do not respect their bodies anymore. That is very sad. And if a man think I’m a feminist because I do not want to go any further than a kiss witch I also dont’ do on a first date then that is his problem not mine. I’ll rather be by myself then. BUT I won’t be alone. We as woman do make mistakes and if a man is a real man he will treat all woman with fairness and respect even if she doesn’t deserve it. Be honest and tell the woman what you think after the first date and if you are interested or not. It hurst but at least she will know what to expect going around the corner. To all the men out there – speak up and communicate – you will save yourself a lot of drama in the long run.

  18. 138
    Lisa

    I can identify with her also. I’m not in my 20’s anymore, but still have same issue.  Not as young as I was, but I’ve been offered trips with Men I barely knew to the Virgin Islands.  I’m certainly not a 10… The point is… after 5 dates and only being called every 5 days from a guy and then a second date after 2 weeks from the first date, I’m not inclined to jump in the bed with a man.  So, I’m confused about the 5 dates thing and no sex men moving on. Seriously, no pressure there on a woman’s side to have to decide in 5 dates if this man is really interested in her for who she is and not just for sex.  I’d say with STD’s now – I’m more inclined to wait a little longer to have sex than I was in my 20’s… so 5 dates seems unreasonable especially if he is dating other women too – since there is no commitment yet.  It’s hard b/c if you move forward to give them signals then you can be seen as aggressive sexually, and if you are aloof in the slightest way, then you have the other issue. It’s hard to always do it right.

  19. 139
    Olya

    @ Saint Stephen and other men who think that women who are choosing men based on looks and not the character, are shallow..
    But aren’t 99 % of men choose women based on looks?
    Being an attractive woman, I know really how it feels. Believe me, we also want someone to like us for our character. 
        I am an attractive woman ( tall, blond, dancer) but I am also a technical engineer. In my life I met only one man who appreciated my inside , and not only the #blond# outside.
    I had many insightful stories on this subject, especially while I was working as blond engineer. Once going on a business trip, when one of the business managers I was with, was telling me that he liked me from the moment he saw me on a plane, and then he added that it was not because of my looks but it was because of my character! (and we never even have spoken to each other). Yes, he was so true! How nice  my character is -just written all over my face!.

    So dear men, please, don’t put your frustration on pretty women who did not choose to be with you, but choose another better looking guy.  I am sure that most of you, if you had an opportunity, would also choose a better looking woman with worse character, over a nice woman with bad character.
    And thanks Evan for this  note. I 100% agree with what you said.

  20. 140
    Paula

    Women have to be discerning anyways when it comes to finding the right man.

    Ashley, just because you are ‘pretty’ doesn’t mean anything. You still have to look at what you bring to a man other then your looks. Remember Judge Judy said: Beauty fades but stupid is forever.

    Your looks aren’t always going to be with you but being kind, open minded, intelligent and responsible are traits that last and endure.

    Do your inner work like the rest of us and really get over the fact that you are pretty because in the long run it means nothing!

  21. 141
    M

    To Olya re 141:

    No, 99 percent of men do not choose women based on looks.

    I love animals and like to have pets around. I also have relatively strong views on politics and religion. If a woman is opposite of me in these areas I have no interest in her. I don’t care how good she looks. Now you can sneer and not believe me but that’s the truth and it’s the truth for countless men because the core of getting along is shared values. You can’t base a relationship on getting up in the morning, saying gee, you look beautiful again today, and then having nothing to talk about the rest of the day. That would be horrible!

  22. 142
    Olya

    @ M
    Thank you for your comment..I believe what you said about you, and I will not start arguing what is right or wrong. It just we all access this world based on our own experiences.
    Unfortunately in my experience you would be that rare 1% exception..It just in a last 7 years all men I met and that were spending sometime with me, never asked me anything about what books I am reading, or if I like dogs , or cats, or what is my opinion about XYZ., Even when we were watching movies together, after that was not much conversation after… but for sure all of them were discussing how long my legs are..I am sorry that I have to be so direct now.. but I just want to explain my point..
    And I really- really want to believe that one day I meet someone who will be interested in me as a person..But honestly for now I lost any faith in men.. I just stoped relationship with a guy who had phD in Science and I thought who was smart enough to be intrested not only in my looks. We also had very similar hobbies , so I thought we were pretty good match..But again – he never really talked to me, except on first few dates and never asked me anything deep about my life.. He was only coming to my house to have dinner with me and to tempt me to sleep with him. This is just one example, which was repeating itself with other guys too, like a deja vu..

    And here is the main difference between me and these guys. I was dating them because I saw that they were smart and interesting.. But I really doubt that they really cared about these qualities in me.. For them I was just this blong girl with long legs..
    OK.. these are just some of my experiences , plus of cause i have to add all these married men who were approaching me, yakkk.

  23. 143
    Princess

    When I began reading this article I thought it applied to anyone attractive not just the stereotypically attractive (tall, thin, blondes, blue eyes, etc.) I am a young African American 5’4” “fat” plus sized/full figured woman. However, I am very attractive and I have never had any trouble turning heads when I walk into the room and I take into consideration class, status, age etc. So you might say that lower SES/classes would be more attracted to me. That I would agree with, but to my surprise I have seen men who have more status, very stereotypically attractive, etc trying to interact with me because of my beauty and confidence. They even have wives who are “ideal”. I have been told all my life that I am not attractive enough because of my weight. My problem is that I am highly rejection sensitive because of what everyone has told me growing up to and am afraid take risks and let men in. If I did I would probably have dates all the time. I know that I am not everyone’s cup tea just as they are not mine, but its my attitude, charisma, kindness that keeps them wanting more after they are struck by my beauty. Even online dating I don’t settle for someone I am not attracted to. I like stocky/athletic builds. Some of those men even say they are looking for someone who is physically different from me, yet I have gotten responses from those men. I am just writing this for all the full-figured women who may have felt slighted by that opinion because I know that men are taught they need to be with most attractive women possible, especially the most successful. You and clients have said themselves that the men who fell for them and won’t let go is because of how she made him feel. Also, not every man is looking for an extension of himself in a woman. I have heard different reasons why men are attracted to full figured women including sexually like being well endowed, but my point is that we are desirable maybe even highly to desirable to men. P.S. Thanks for all the advice it’s definitely had an impact.

  24. 144
    Lovable

    I had that problem.and then I became a bit fat as a single mom and stopped wearing nice clothes.No man ever looked at me for five years,and it felt strange.Now I am not that fat,wearing normal clothes,and men are looking at me everywhere!But I never get a boyfriend.It is as it has always been.But the problem is also,that when a s c normal guy tries to flirt,I fo not even see him because I cannot believe he is interested.My ex husband was my friend at first,and I told him everything about my problems with men.He decided to make a try,he thought I was too beautiful to be single,and he did not give up.He almost forced me to bed.In a good way of course,but he just decided things and then went for it!That was obviously the only way.I was 29,and had never had a serious relationship begore!Sex,yes,but never with love involved.I still feel very weird about myself for all this.Now there is that man who has been trying for over a year.Hecis beautiful,far over average,so I dont feel too pretty.And he is still into me.But I have no idea what to do!He dont do much now,he did much in the beginning ,but he probably think I am not interested.But I can feel he is still into me anyway.I really love him and I really want him all the way to marriage,I am trying Rori Rayes tools and it works a little bit better.But still not.Yes,pretty women are getting married all the time.I wish men who really wants a pretty woman would not give up so fast.I say like the woman in Notting hill; (Julia Roberts) I am just a normal girl who wants to be loved…But I also say,as I believe it;What is meant to be will always find a way.
    Good luck all you pretty girls!I wish you the best!

  25. 145
    Naria

    I’ve experienced this too!  Its a mixture of things – a lot of men seem to be scared of women but still want the kudos of having them somwhere in their lives/going on the occasional date with them, men in general being committment-phobic, and some men not wanting to work hard in getting and keeping a girlfriend.  I’m fortunate in that I met a normal, well adjusted man through my sports hobby, who is now my husband.  But even within that sport, I’m often surprised at the gorgeous single women and the men who are married or in ltrs with to *ahem* not wishing to be rude here, the overweight, badly presented, not so attractive women.

    The only conclusion I can come to is that a lot of men prefer plain women who are less educated than them, and then “train them up” to be what they want them to be.  So many of these women end up doing the sport they’re not too interested in for a couple of years, dyeing their hair, losing weight, and then revert back to type, and off they go to lead virtually seperate lives… 

    But then pretty girls can be shallow too.  I remember being messed around by a guy at university, he then went out with woman who was *ahem* a bit of a surprise to me.  Cue meeting him a few years later and him asking me out again, and me turning him down because he had gone down in my estimation.  

    But what is it with these men who want to hang out with you and be your “friend”?  Especially since I got married!  They’re not after sex, they just want to be associated with you.  It might sound nice, but unless they prove themselves to be genuine friends, I don’t like it. 

    Many men are scared of women.  Especially attractive women.  I do honestly think they view them as an alien species, instead of fellow human beings with feelings.

  26. 146
    Bubbles

    Trust. Get Screwed. Literally and figuratively. Then get dumped. I really do fall in love with people, not their images, looks, money or anything else. But that takes me time. So as they pursue me and I warm to them, they cool towards me, because all they’ve been after is the sexual trophy all the while, either without seeing the real me or not being interested in a relationship with anyone in the first place.

    Either that or they fall in love way too quick and it turns me off. Because I don’t believe it.  It is hard not to be guarded and guarded I am.

    As for not putting out within 5 dates? I met a very wise man I ended up being with for six years. It took me 8 dates to allow him into my bed and to be honest I wasn’t particularly attracted to him physically even then. But I trusted him. Needless to say, the sex was great and we stayed together, but it was based on intellectual compatibility and similar values, not on sex. The chemistry grew. I took a chance but it was because he stayed around.

    So guys, there’s a moral here. Really love the pretty woman? Work for her. She has lots of options, she doesn’t trust you…. make her trust you and one way would be to wait until she is ready to let you into her body.
      
    I don’t want to bounce from one man to the next – I have a teenage son and that’s no way for a nice mom to act, it sets a bad example – so I make it difficult for the men and true, maybe I have thrown the baby out with the bathwater more than once.  But then, there’s always someone else.

  27. 147
    Lucy

    I’m not hot but I’m not resentful of women who are. I know what it feels like for someone not to take an interest in you except superficially. And I’m average looking. 

    There are some guys who I know find me attractive and I have an open mind for any decent person. Having gone on a few dates with one of them, I felt like he couldn’t be himself around me. He’d built up all this attraction for me in his head but when it came down to it, he didn’t me ask my questions about myself. I’m sure he wanted to but was feeling very nervous. If he talked to me more, I would have adored it. Truth is, I wanted to know about him  too but I was waiting for him to make the move. Men like him aren’t bad at all but I don’t think they should see a woman they find attractive as someone they can’t simply talk to. I’m easygoing and don’t think I’m too good for anyone.

    Then there are the men who have treated me like an object in the past. Well I went on a date with a doctor no less and I had no expectations as to what he’d be like, but I was surprised that someone as educated as he is, could be so disrespectful. I think perhaps that type of person looks me out because I am not conventionally attractive. They tell me I’m “beautiful” because they think it’ll get me into bed. That doesn’t make me feel beautiful at all – quite the opposite in fact! So on the one hand there are those slightly awkward men who are overawed by a woman they are attracted to; on the other hand there are the creeps who would see a beautiful woman as a trophy and not value her for her intellect or capacity for caring. 

    I absolutely think that a woman shouldn’t automatically dismiss a man who takes a genuine liking to her, wherever he is on her 10 point scale. After all, it’s what you want, isn’t it?

    I’m flattered when someone takes an interest. I’m glad I haven’t written them off like that. Previously I was withdrawing from men who liked me and I didn’t know why. And I think deep down it is another form of commitment phobia which people don’t recognise straight off. I’m afraid of the very thing I want the most, like some kind of cycle of self-sabotage (why?). So trusting yourself helps a lot; that and approaching people with warmth and generosity. Beautiful or not, the right man is out there for every woman.

  28. 148
    bill says

    i am a straight man looking for love again myself, and it is very difficult for me. being single and alone is certainly no fun at all, especially that most of my friends are settled down with their own life. i feel very sorry for you women as well, trying to find the right man for you. it is just too bad that the good men like us just can’t seem to connect with the good women today.
     

  29. 149
    lila

    well, people also should consider another problem: their personality.
    I have a friend who is a 10 and she have been single for many many years, in the beginning i thought “how this pretty women can be single?” but know that i Know her much better, i can say that all the attention she got made her spoiled,she needs attention 24 hours from every guy she goes out with and if she dont get it she gets mad and dramatic and scare them away,shes used with people complimenting her all the time, if a guy dont do that all the time she starts to complain and make a drama, so i can imagine that is pretty much the same for many very attractive women,after a while they become addicted by all this attention and expect their boyfriends to be all over them all the time

  30. 150
    I hear ya girl..

    Hmm… unfortunately I have totally experienced this myself. There were two ways I was able to thwart it.  

    1. I made a lot of guy friends and made it completely clear to them that we were just friends.  When they really got to know and like me for who I was, they’d introduce me to their friends and insist that they give me the respect I deserved.

    2. I realized that if I wanted dates with the real nice guys, I had to approach them myself.  True ice guys are never going to approach the pretty girl.   It’s always the slime balls.  It’s a tough one to start doing, because pretty girls are so spoiled from getting hit on all the time, that they never bother to approach any guys (I know I was).  I learned how to pick out the nice guys and start genuine, no-pressure conversations with them. 

    Contrary to what most of you said, I don’t think she should start “putting out” or being any more vulnerable than she feels comfortable with. The douche bags that aren’t calling her back are doing her a favor by backing away when she won’t put out.  There are guys out there that are willing to wait.  LOTS of them. If she get’s an actual nice guy, he’ll be more than willing to wait until she’s ready.
     

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