Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find BoyfriendsDear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target—a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way—when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor—very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles—tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs—are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect—putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.

 

www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/group-coaching/focus.php

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Comments:

  1. 151
    AndreaP

    Well I am that drop-dead gorgeous girl.  Men did/do line up to ogle, gawk, be awkward and insecure, chance their arm, and hit on me in every possible context. I was lonely and objectified in grade school.  In my 20’s, rich men offered me trips, jewels, tried to drink out of my shoes, whatever, while men in my age just freaked out and wouldn’t approach me or were crude. For many years, I had few women friends because they didn’t want to go out with me.  The fewwomen  friends I did have, their boyfriends all hit on me in secret. All my friends were guys and often gay.  I married the “nice” guy who I also couldn’t push around and who was a great Dad.  I got very bored and ultimately left.  But I am 49 and I still experience this sometimes.  Most serious relationships following my marriage were ruined by the guy’s mistrust and insecurity of why was I with him, yada, yada….

    How I overcame this is quite simple.  I now have a huge circle of friends, date genuine and great guys regularly (still looking for that one special one) and have a full and happy life.  Nobody doesn’t take me seriously (very successful career) or objectifies me (much) anymore – at least not after the first 5 minutes.   Except perhaps the young cubs who are after a cougar experience.

    The seceret – you have to work twice as hard to connect with  others when you are considered a 10.  You have to be so interested in others, open, easy-going and warm and friendly that nobody notices your looks after 2 minutes.  If you are genuinely warm and interested in who you are talking to, people open, feel comfortable, and get past the packaging – end of.  I expect the same applis for people at the other end of the spectrum.  Still nice to get off the parking tickets, etc.  though – lol …

      

  2. 152
    marymary

    AndreaP
    Yes, a beautiful woman can’t afford to give even the appearance of being aloof or standoffish. It’s going to make her unapproachable and scary.
    Very very few people are going to look at the most beautiful woman in the room,who’s just keeping herself to herself, and think “Aw, she must be shy. I’m gonna make the effort to bring her into the group”.  You don’t get cut much slack. Yeah it sucks to be beautiful, ha. I was working with a gorgeous, gorgeous girl recently. I’m not gay but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her. She seemed unreal and intimidating. but I saw how nice she was to everyone and we got chatting. 
    Open, easy-going, warm and friendly works for everyone though. It’s not the same as being a sitting target. We can still walk away if it turns out that the person we are talking to isn’t worth talking to. But mostly, most people are very interesting if we are interested.
    And, it’s true, after a while you stop noticing what people look like,  It stops being a surprise.
    If cindy crawford and michelle pfeiffer can find a nice man (last I heard), so can all you other beauties.

  3. 153
    hunter

    Single, long neck, busty women, without a boyfriend/husband, are far and few….they are not conservative, I would say they are just plain, manhaters…

  4. 154
    suSan

    well, lI am a 50 year old, as people would describe as a beatiful girl, and I have problems connecting with women and men now a days.  dirvorced and now single, it is difficult.  throughout my life, however, it was always hard, in jr. HS people thought I was conceited, wh cih I am far from, in HS, I was considerd shy and/or conceited, in my 20’s and 30’s with a man by my side I was fine – if girls had problems with me it ws becaue they were jeolous – I always tried to play down my style and looks all the time, but it never worked.  in my 40’s and now 50’s, still  hard for me to understand people.  I try hard to understand why I lack girl friends now and men are even hard to come by that I personally like myself – men are either after the little 20 year old girl now or a girl wthout an opionion on life….  I am very very honest and straightfoward with people, that could be my issue – I am always kind and have great manners, however, the more perfect I am the less people want contact I find….  I unfortnatley cannot give Ashiley any advise as i have failed terribly and still trying to figure it out at my age – and Ii’m much older.  when I was 20 something I was told to ‘ignore’ jeolous and inssecure people’ though I never listened, I always ttry to be freindly to everyone and honest, not false, as I beleive in quality and still no avail.  I ask friends, family if there is anything I need to change or work on within my own personality, and the answer is always no (and no, I am not intimidating – they know they can be honest with me)…  Ashley, it is an ongoing issue wtih in life if you are more beautiful than  your girlfridnes and family members….good lluck… be strong and be authenticallly YOU…that is the advise I can give, always be  yourself, doml’t be what you think others think you should be….much luck….xoxoo

  5. 155
    suSan

    one more thought – as I beleive people, are more insecure these days than 20 years go, due to all the fake ‘photoshopping’ and such on mag covers.  girls do not understand these covers all al photoshopped and perfected, sometimes someone else’s head on anothers ‘ figure…. it can make any girl insecure and make men believe every girl should loook like the these mag covers…. of coures, which is false….   I find that most issues I have with women/men is that they are insecure towards me….so , of course, I try to then become less than I am, but that is not good and obbiously will not work either, because not being authentic one will most likely  see and then push away from you….so, you have to be  yiourself at all times, however, Ashley, be aware that if you are beautiful even into your 50s,  you will still have to deal with those that are insecure…and some insecure people can be veery mean, indeed.  I guess, the best medicine, is be yourself, authentically at all times, and when you have to deal with one who is jeolous or insecure in your presence,  just smile!  and possibly ask them questions about them….get conversation moving into their lives – that way the attentin is off of you….good luck, girll…xoxo

  6. 156
    MOSTAFA AKBARPOOR

    Hello. The letter to Ms. Ashley. I’m a boy, very affectionate and loving., I’m quite the opposite sex in a romantic relationship with someone who likes to be alone. For someone who has sex with someone of the relationship. She just loves sex and not another relationship., But someone who is loved. Accepts the love sex. Then you need to rethink your relationship with anyone you do not put the relationship on

  7. 157
    Laura28

    You just hit the nail on the head and frankly made me feel a lot better.  i think these things but if I say them out loud I sound like a selfish bitch. I’m 29 years old, a former model (with a masters degree, mind you) and have never lacked dates or interested men, albeit all the wrong types of men interested for the wrong reasons.  The good guys are intimidated or think I’m out of their league.  It’s actually quite a lonely life at times and I hope one day to meet someone who can “look past the pretty” and see there is so much more to me than that.

  8. 158
    hunter

    …. Laura, you, are still young, keep going out with men, and you will find the right one….trust me..it has happened over and over, for centuries….

  9. 159
    Di

    In reply to Hunter:  If there is ONE thing that people need to quit telling women of *any* age, it’s, “You’re still young.  You have your whole life ahead of you.”
    I’m 35.  I DON’T have my whole life ahead of me, because women have TWO lives:  reproductive, and non-reproductive.  Men have their whole lives if they want children.  Women have until menopause, and you never know when that is going to happen and for what reason, and whether fertility will be an issue. 
    I also don’t want to spend my whole life waiting for the right man.  I have needs (like lots of sex in a loving, committed relationship) and I want my life to be filled with family and commitment, and I want to be healthy enough to enjoy my grandchildren.  If it takes my potential children three or four decades to find the right person, grandchildren may not be a possibility (my grandparents died before I was born and while I was very young, so I do not come from a viewpoint of taking them for granted).
    So, no, women do NOT have their whole lives ahead of them.  There is more to live than the years ahead, years which may never come.
    In relation to the blog post:  I have a gorgeous friend.  She is a truly amazing woman and has taught me some of my most valuable lessons in life.  It is because of her that I can be strong, independent, and still love. 
    Honey (#4) said, “I wonder how she is meeting these guys?”  Well, tens don’t have to go to bars to find men.  Men go after my friend in the grocery store, at the grain elevator when she’s picking up feed for her horses, the gas station, church, anywhere!  They find her.  She doesn’t look for them.  ALL of these men are divorced, insecure men who are looking for a trophy.  When she goes about her responsibilities in life and she doesn’t let them do everything for her (everything meaning what THEY FEEL she needs), they get angry with her and tell her whats wrong with her, especially when they realize that she’s not easy.  The “relationship” is really all about the men. 
    So, I see men from three perspectives:  from that of the super hot girl, from that of the overweight, fun-to-be-with woman who most men gloss over for the hot girl, and from the friend-of-couples perspective in that I know a lot of wonderful men, but they’re not available.

    What Evan said hit the nail on the head.  Bravo, Evan, and thank you for your blog.

  10. 160
    AbsolutelyTheTruth

    the problem today is that the very attractive women now think that they are all that, but they are really not. especially if many of them have that attitude problem, which will really get you nowhere now. try not to be all that, because will will lose many of your friends down the road. there are many of us great straight guys out there looking for a commitment today.

  11. 161
    John

    Here is something the OP maybe hasn’t thought of. On these dates, did she ever offer to pay anything? I know in other articles and commentaries that is a hot debate. The bottom line is that there are guys that will put up with a girl never paying. And there are guys that wont. She may be going out with guys that wont put up with that and so they lose interest in her. Poor thing. She is blaming the fact she wont open her legs-when in fact it may be that she wont open her purse.
     
     

  12. 162
    Magdalena

    Who says she’s attractive?  Her?  So? Attractiveness is subjective.  I wish I could count the arguments for and against Angelina vs Jennifer. 
    There are so many beautiful girls today that it’s hard to believe that you’re not just plain boring, Ashley.  How’s that for controversial?

  13. 163
    Goldie

    Really liked Andrea’s advice (#153) and Di’s friend’s perspective (#161).
     
    I’d say maybe a good strategy would be to avoid meeting men in places where they choose you based on your looks before they’ve ever talked to you? (bar, grocery store, gas station etc) as this will pretty much guarantee that every shallow dude under the sun will latch on to you.

  14. 164
    LadyBird

    Very often guys who ask out a very pretty woman on a date or flirt with her but don’t follow up for no apparent reason are married/have a girlfriend.
    These are the guys who don’t risk rejection from you; their risk is exactly 0 because they have their relationship. It happens more often than you think. Unfortunately, married guys and players are mostly the men who dare to ask out a beautiful woman because it doesn’t mean anything. The other guys either don’t date but would like to, think they can’t measure up and will be rejected, or plainly resent beautiful women.

  15. 165
    LadyBird

    Another possible reason: the guys sense they would have to work hard for you so say meh, won’t bother. Could be?

  16. 166
    Catherine

    I am 45 and never married. And I have to say, it’s all true. I was so busy standing there with a baseball bat fighting off the wolves and players that if there WAS a nice guy around I couldn’t see him standing on the sidelines, what for all the manipulative a-holes on a quest. What is worse is I didn’t even fully realize I was good looking because of years of bullying so my bitch shield wasn’t as fully developed as it needed to be. When I ended up with a guy it was usually the most persistent alpha aggressive experienced ladies man around who made me his quest. Some ended up to be batterers and I was in sleeping with the enemy situations, because I was after all, property. When I was 30 I completely stopped dating and I was done with men. I haven’t had a boyfriend in 15  years, but there are a group of “friends” around who would do anything for me, and I have the power. It’s better then being just used by someone I really like,  but really I am not happy. I can’t date cause yeah..they just want sex. Yes at my age it’s still true.

    1. 166.1
      Cezar

      Catherine (165)
      I`m 28, curently single, very athletic looking, have a Masters degree, have my own busines, own my luxury apartment in my countrys capitol most exclusive area, have a nice coupe with full trim,… from all stated you can immagine my self awarness and inner confidence. And just to back this all up I can give you my facebook profile so you can see it. Now basicaly, from elementary school I dated and had sex with a LOTs of very different women ranging from: innocent princess girl next door, wild rock girl, cheerleader, nerdy bookworm girl, student girls, waitreses, bartenders, gogo dancers in clubs, I even had a stripper as a girlfriend (it lasted 2 months), models, business woman that is older than me, engineer girl, pediatric doctor, pro classic dancer, fmale friends of my friends, a drug addict girl,….
      Based on my experience regardless of age, all woman can be put in one of these categories:
      1) Innocent girl – They are gorowed up watching Disney movies and immagening prince charming, who will swipe them of their feet, marry them and they will live happily ever after… They are very sensitive, and tend to give man unlimited, unreserved trust. They have that illusion that sex is love. And they would never cheat their boyfriend.
      2) Curious girl – Ussualy when they are in highschool and up to 20-22 years. Then they start to realyze there is something more excyting than borring prince charming. They are atracted to confident guys who look good, have balls and have “I dont give a shit attitude”. They are experimenting and start to learn about their sexuality. Basicaly they want man who will lead them and be their teacher.
      3) Bitter woman – After dating (haveing sex) with a couple of exciting bad boys, the woman starts to see a patern that she cant tame such man or change them. Yet she is exclusivly attracted to those type of man and not in borring knight (prince charming) type of beta males. And becouse of that she starts to bi bitter on all man. After a while and acumulated baggage from past realationships she becomes closed, bitter and moody becouse she is sexualy atracted in a type of guy that will never commit to her and be hers only.
      4) Experienced woman – Who has acepted her sexuality; understands that love and sex are two completly different things. She has sex just to enjoy and let steam out, have no regrets about it. And have fulfiled emotional life on the other side.
      I think you finnaly became 4th type. :)

  17. 167
    marymary

    Catherine
    they can,t beat you or use you if you don,t let them. I,m assuming you weren,t kidnapped. One of my exes tried to kill me and the one after that was a player extraordinaire so I,m not judging you. After that i didn,t date for six years. But if you get behind the fact that you have choices you will choose better in future. You,re not doomed to be unhappy or even single if you don,t want to be. 
    i do agree that a beautiful woman with low self esteem is a sitting duck for bad men. But beautiful women do find good boyfriends. Oddly, though, in my experience, those men are often not so good looking themselves. Many a time I get excited about meeting a beautiful friend,s boyfriend/husband and he.s been kinda ordinary. But ordinary is good isn,t it? we,ve had enough excitement?
    it,s not that all men just want sex, we are attracted to the men who just want sex. Charming, arrogant, a bit too pushy. The men who are respectful, even cautious, considerate, not aggressive don,t really do it for us.
    anyway, that,s my experience. If I,m off base feel free to ignore.

  18. 168
    hunter

    marymary,
    ….you may have left out “boring” from your list of men who are respectful, even cautious, considerate, not aggressive,…etc…

  19. 169
    marymary

    Hunter
    if someones relationships look like re runs of jerry springer, albeit with better looker participants, maybe a person could stand to recalibrate their tolerance for boring.
    it,s a frequent dilemma that a person claims to want a LTR, yet despises all the LTRs they see around them as boring. Not for them the humdrum bread and better of daily life. THEIR relationship is going to be be amazing! when they find themselves in a stable LTR, they leave because it,s boring, or seek excitement through affairs.
    and, in fact, looking back, there is nothing more boring than wondering where your supposed boyfriend is, or lain up in hospital because you got beaten up.
     I,m not saying that we should all go out and find people who bore us, but  to look again at the people we chose, and those we rejected, and why.  It might tell us something. These days i despise drama and but I was fatally drawn to it in the past. then I grew up. Though some might say I got boring.

    (Mary, it’s I’m, not I,m. It’s not it,s. Apostrophes, not commmas. This has been a PSA.)

  20. 170
    hunter

    marymary,
     
    ….you don’t suppose, keeping us young and blind to a certain extent, is part of our creators plan, just to keep us in relationships/so we procreate??…

  21. 171
    Peter

    To regular readers.  This is Peter trying to organize immigration to Russia for the purposes of marriage.  Karl @116.  You were talking about the respectful distance women keep.  In my experience and observation is not quite the same as yours:  Friends – quite close short of sex, Sex Partners – as you say but not really close, Men to Marry – at a respectful distance.  Once my landlady decided I was marriage material, she put me at a distance so far as physical activity was concerned.  She was “not that kind of girl” any more, not that she ever crossed the sex threshold anyway with me or others she previously dated.
    She was and is still very pretty and very interested in fashion in an art and design sort of way.  She attracted massive male attention as intended.  She had a lot of difficulty picking the right men.  As a single mother her objective was a husband and another child.  However, she picked some of the tallest, flashiest, most powerful or artistic men in the city (plenty in Russia).  Each time her self respect fell to zero after the hormones wore off.  Then she caught an STD, HPV16 and developed early stage cancer and rethought life – and sex.  I was around but not her love interest at the time but definitely her best friend.  Now she thinks that I am the only man who isn’t interested in just her looks and sex.  Which is true.  I found them intimidating at first.  I am however, tall, stylish, clever and creative (engineering and business rather than art and design) so I fit the stereotype.  I just genuinely admired her for her many failures in other parts of her life from which she had recovered.

  22. 172
    Lou

    Human attraction is very simple: two people meet. Then, if there is mutual attraction and compatibility with each other’s values, interests and goals, then very quickly they will write each other into their lives. Nothing will stand in the way of this. Oftentimes, when there is an imbalance in attraction, the pairing will not work and a relationship between these two people is not possible. Unfortunately, this can leave the person who held the greatest amount of attraction for the other in a fragile state: they start blaming themselves. They start analysing their looks/personality/psyche/behaviour. This all too easily results in the discovery of a myriad of supposed faults, flaws and personality defects,  causing that person to believe they have various problems or are second-rate. It’s best to keep the failure of a relationship as simple as its potential success: the person you met and spent a little time with just wasn’t right for you. Keep searching, keep believing in love and stay happy. Don’t take it all so personally. New love is always just around the corner.

  23. 173
    Ballou

    Wow. I’ve found all your comments very interesting. Im not a 10 but I suppose if forced to score myself im a 9.I dont have long legs and Im not blonde or particularly busty. However I’ve come to realise that people think my face is very beautiful and that there is an “aura” about me. Both men and women comment on how I look. But Im also smart with a law degree and a masters. I work as a social worker with children and am caring and polite (no bitch shield) and I laugh easily and make others laugh. Whilst from a distance I seem very confident Im not, well not in terms of dating. I am lucky enough to have 4 brothers and to have attended an all male school for a couple of years. I get on very well with men usually. Being attractive just means I have more chaff to sort through before I find the wheat. It also means that men will stay rather than walk because they like how it feels to have me on their arm. They dont stay because they like me. Sometimes I think they dont even look to see the real me. The older I get the harder things seems to get. People have more scars, play more games, are more protective and less open and honest, and I include myself. I am saddened by that fact and scared that I will close up entirely. 
    When I go out I always get looked at and generally get approached by someone. I look much younger than I am so I am told consitently and now the age range varies from early twenties to late sixties. However the men that make advances generally fall into two groups(excluding the perverts who think its ok to grope me or say disgusting things and my girlfriends sleazy partners who proposition me) 
    1. Over confident pushy males whom I dont find attractive and
    2. Over awed man puppies whom I dont find attractive.
     Consequently I have loads of experience saying “no thank you” but very little experience of saying “yes please”. I dont chase because I know I am not skilled in this area and know that men like to chase. I dont wear a face full of make up or provocative clothing, but I do try to make the best of what I have and hide my many faults
    Whilst I get chased a fair bit, its all about my looks. I get put on a pedestal very quicky but know I will just as quickly be pushed off that pedestal. I have been and its painfull. I can see it before it happens sometimes and I wish I could slow men down, get them to look at who I am not what I look like before they proclaim love, throw their house keys at me, offer me holidays, or try to otherwise buy my affections.  I cant help but lose respect for men like this. I know I have so many faults and cannot live up to their fantasies in the long term. I am human after all I just have more attractive packaging than a lot of women.
    I have some women friends, but I’ve also had women hate me on sight and been accused by friends of having affairs with their partner when I havent and never would. Who wants a man who cheats? I dont have any special powers to keep a man faithful. I just have a very attractive face and thus lots of men want to sleep with me. Thats no huge achievement or compliment when I know that depending on the circumstances men will sleep with most all women.
    I have found that many men are not confident enough to date me and try and become cruel and controlling. I dont put up with that. They push for sex or tell me they love me very quickly (second date onwards) want pictures of my private parts, telephone me everyday for hours to monopolise my time, make critical comments about how I look (fat arms skin to pale) or my home. Others play it so cool that I cant tell if they are interested. I presume they think that I am spoiled and brattish about my looks. Im not. Particular thanks to the man that left me two weeks before my law finals (its ok, he phoned to apologise years later), the man that cheated thoughout out 18 month “relationship” because he thought I was going to leave him anyway (though told me 6 months in that we would get married) the man who I travelled half the way round the world for only for him to not want sex with me ever ( Im told I am good), and the man who though earning lots more than me kept trying to find reasons for me to remortgage my home. Sometimes I think that some men disregard how they treat me believing that I will find easily someone else to love me because Im attractive. However I am now 42. Ive been single for four years. I’ve never been married or lived with a man or had children. I am a human being with feelings, I have insecurities like everyone else. I bleed when I am cut and my heartbreaks when I am hurt. I also poop like everyone else too!
    I dont date 10’s myself.  I guess I date 6-8s and these are hard to come by. They do have to earn at least the same as me which is no great shakes, have some kind of home either rental or ownership and be relatively clever not necessarily having qualifications . Experience tells me that men lose respect for themselves and hate me if they dont have at least what I have. They have to feel at least equal if not superior to feel like a man
    Its hard to trust these days. I wonder if my BS detector is over tuned and I see red flags everwhere. Im sure I display my own red flags. But these days I feel almost paralysed and so many profiles online scream player. Even at my age its hard to tell who is genuine and who just wants to bag me. Since I was a teenager I became aware that men will place bets on me as to who will sleep with me first, its no different now I am middle aged. It feels horrible. I dont use men for their money or an ego boost, similarly I dont want to be used for sex or as a trophy. It would take some extra special connection for me to sleep with someone within 5 dates. They wont score within that time but we can play. However this generally leads to more pressure to sleep with them.
    Why is finding a great friend who rocks my world in bed so hard?! 
     
     
     
     
     
     

  24. 174
    beautifulwoman

     
     this is the story of my life..its very sad. there is nothing ashley is doing wrong..stop pinning the blame on the ‘girl’ who isnt getting the ‘guys’ calling her back. we live in the 21st century- men are clearly warped. They are VERY insecure and prefer ugly women to pretty women. i know because i am an ex model, very gorgeous and men don’t hit on me, comment to me…the better i look the more men LOATHE me. men despise me. they hate me. They rather abuse and mistreat me and reject me than be with me. as a beautiful woman you are treated as an object, which isn’t fair or right. you are a normal kind good person just looking for love and oddly, the more you are rejected, the more you are OPEN to men but these same men will continue rejecting you. i met a woman recently whose daughter–and i saw the daughters picture she was gorgeous, was having the same problems. she said her daughter kept getting rejected by men who’d throw out weird reasons that made no sense. I said…oh is it to the girl whose picture was on your phone? she said yes…i said oh ok…it’s an epidemic…she was really pretty and same thing..it seems the prettier you are, the worse it is for you- you get ONLY rejected abused mistreated used by men. RARELY youll find ONE guy that might be head over heels for you…but even he is trying to use you. men will NOT treat you the way they treat other women- they will treat you lesser. Then, after all thise abuse, mistreatment, you have the rest of the insecure evil world to tell you—oh it’s YOU!!! yes…youre beautiful kind nice open and not even picky, and its YOUR FAULT these mean men don’t want anything to do with you! don’t listen to these ignoramuses…i could write a book about this. ive been told by people i am the MOST beautiful woman they’ve ever seen!!! i am so hot i should be a playboy centerfold…im the MOST BEAUTIFUL, im TOO BEAUTIFUL…although im not…there are MANY beautiful women out there far prettier than me.  the problem is….it doesn’t matter…you are probably beyond perfect and nice and cool….and you WILL GET REJECTED. of course even if you are not perfect…you will be PICKED apart just for being pretty.
     
    the fat woman..who the man doesnt reject…well she could be a liar, cheater, psycho but because she is FAT she is NICE and has a great personality?? right??
    let me let you in one a secret today…the world is full of jealous insecure sadistic people today… they enjoy abusing pretty people or people who have that ‘privilege’ even if that person doesnt have the privilege or good life…but they will take it out on the person they CAN victimize. people abuse beautiful women… they can because they are in the majority…ugly evil bitter sadistic is in the MAJORITY….so if you are a good kind and BEAUTIFUL person…you’re rare and you WILL be abused harassed picked apart etc…. however, if you are ugly, fat weird rude mean crazy….oh youre PERFECT!!! you DO NO WRONG!!! its those BEAUTIFUL WOMEN who are just too this, too that…too this…. oh and don’t breathe from your left nostril!! if you BREATHE the wrong way you’ll be persecuted and insulted and harassed and you’re DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!! but the fat woman with no personality well….she is just amazing and men respect and love her!!! no no NO!!! enough of this nonsense…
    you are being mistreated and abused out of jealousy and insecurity…the average male today is NOT normal…they seem normal but they aren’t. most men seem to be glad with unattracitve and weird looking women. in fact, women who seem basically repulsive are what men feel comfortable with. however, if you are even remotely PRETTY, you will suffer because as long as you have any kind of ‘appeal’ factor to you– you WILL get rejected abused used objectified mistreated…by insecure jealous men. the world today is not full of happy good decent people…it’s full of loathesome bitter jealous people….they OBJECTIFY beautiful women out of insecurity and jealousy….it is not YOU it’s THEM THEM THEM….you are PERFECT they are SCREWED UP….

  25. 175
    prettygirl

     
     karl R ie you wrote something to me regarding my intelligence and my posting…first off…how does my writing style on the internet pertain to my intellect or how men perceive me… what on earth are you talking about?  there are plenty of ugly and pretty uneducated women who get boyfriends. secondly… i was valedictorian of my HS and have an IQ of 140. i was a spelling bee champ so harping on my ‘typo errors’ is only something a lesser intelligent idiot would do to attempt to feel intellectually superior to someone who he is inferior to intellectually. Also who are you to harp on someone’s writing ability..and my writing is just fine. Also HUH?!!!  im highly intelligent so im not sure what you’re talking about and furthermore… what does intellect have to do with BEAUTY??? it’s sad how many ignorant and weird people are out there today…

  26. 176
    beautifulwoman

     
     
     men cannot handle being around beautiful women..neither can women. people don’t know how to react…so they put you in a box try to oppress control and judge and outcast you. this is the reality of the situation. this doesnt go for ALL beautiful women…in fact ive seen many intimidating women NOT being treated this way. as long as you fit a stereotype, you will be treated the way you fit/look, or even be treated as if you fit in. If i ever wear make up- people treat me with MORE respect- because im trying SOMETHING to fit in. I fit a stereotype. even eyeliner works. when i don’t wear eyeliner or make up- i look like an average nice pretty girl, and people just JUDGE me mistreat me put me down. as a beautiful woman you ge abused terribly. a girl at a drive thru, jealous black girl threw my credit card at me the other day at a mcdonalds…i was furious because i get mistreated at this particular mcdonalds all the time and have been for years. its not fair i mean really…i get abused by jealous psychotic women because im prety? its not right…but no one cares or does anything about it. people OBJECTIFY you terribly…women and men. But it makes less sense when men do because you’d think men WANT to be with a pretty woman…but they don’t. They just want to USE them. I wanted to write a book about this, because the things ive had to endure as a beautiful woman are absurd, backwards and make no logical sense, but they are real and this is the reality of many pretty women- being ignored, rejected, mistreated, outcasted. people are so ‘star struck’ by you they can’t talk to you– men or women. But most of the time your presence results in people picking on you or mocking you, mistreating you, judging you, pre judging you…rejecting you…treating you in an inferior way and disrespecting you. you are not treated as a human but as an object, who people objectify and mistreat—sort of like a celebrity who people don’t like. again it’s not right….youre NOT a celebrity, you’re a human being and you dont have that privilege…at least celebs have money and fame…you don’t have that…just the aftermath of persecution and abuse. if you are a pretty girl having issues with men REJECTING you….these MEN have serious issues with YOU. they are not rejecting you…they are rejecting themselves, and running away from their own insecurities…you bring out the flaws in them…you make them feel INSECURE and INFERIOR..and they can’t handle that. you are like a mirror to their own FLAWS…and because you are a mirror to their FLAWS they can’t be near you…so you won’t hear from them again or they try to use you..because they are jealous and angry at you….for being the person that makes them reflect of course unnknowingly and unintentionally on their own flaws and issues….

  27. 177
    Ballou

    Hey Beautiful woman,
    I know its hard, but we have to think that not all men are like this. I know for a fact they arent..my brothers arent and neither have been the male friends that I have had in the past.
    However I do think that as attractive women it takes a good deal of confidence for men to approach us. Therefore we are more likely to be approached by men with over inflated egos, who whilst they want the kudos of dating an attractive women, our beauty reminds them that they arent perfect . Combined with the fact that there is a lot of competition from other men, they feel insecure and that this leads to the controlling and critical behaviours which are designed to keep us but drive us away. I’ve had men shout out at me when Im on a date “what are you doing with him? And i’ve had family members and friends advise that I can do better but this is based purely upon my looks. I’ve been morified for my date. I havent had a partner for a long time but should that situation reoccur I would now rather crassly advise that my date a big cock. That should please my date and shut the critics up!
    Also the man puppies that have approached me, (and have approached you most likely) are probably decent guys they are just over awed which is sadly a massive turn off.
    There are nice men out there, granted there are a good few weirdo’s and perverts, but you cant write all men off, for your sake and theirs.
    Kind regards
     
     
     
     
     
     

  28. 178
    marymary

    Beautiful
    I suggest going to a different macdonalds.  Maybe they like winding you up there. And try letting your guard down. Warmth goes a long way in breaking down barriers but it’s risky.  For every three people who react well, there will be one who sneers or turns away.  I don’t know why, it may be my race, the way I look, or they’re having a bad day. It’s only a loss to me if I let it put a crimp in my day, or if I persist in engaging.  I just move along.
    I sae Angelina Jolie in an interview with a british journalist who was being quite cheeky with her. She warmed up to him and, quite suddenly, she became very funny and likeable. He was smitten. If it can work for her …
    If you place a lot of importance on your looks, either as a blessing or a curse, you will only “see” people who also place importance on your looks, positvely or not. It’s observer bias.  Men who fixate on your looks above everything else may very well be shallow and fleeting, so maybe those are not the men for you. Don’t let men mistreat you. Walk.  Find someone better. There are lots of good men out there.  My beautiful, brunette, green-eyed, slender hourglass friend, who is also a  children’s nurse, has been seeing someone kind and, yes, attractive, since the New Year, after telling me she sas going to be single forever. Riiiiiight.  
    I say enjoy your beauty as a gift. You can light up someone’s day just by smiling at them. Fashion and make up is great fun, everything looks good on you. There is a certain satisfaction in liking what you see in the mirror.  
    But it doesn’t last.  That’s the great leveller at least. If it’s that bad, at least ageing is something to look forward to!

  29. 179
    miranda

    this article is incredible, and everything that was said is exactly how i live. and the person called “m” who left (what might sounds aggressive to some people) comments, i totally agreed with her because of how i’ve been treated, not i have this mile-thick wall around me and im so scared of being shit on again i just cant bear it anymore. You know what’s so pathetic? I was at the grocery store the other day, and I got in line behind a nice young man. He was so well-dressed and handsome and friendly. I noticed he bought a healthy lunch, good hygiene products, and was taking good care of himself. We had a short conversation, but he made me laugh at least twice, and he was good at conversation and had only positive things to say, and great vibes. He even thought I was funny. I was really swept away by this young man. His appearance alone, and how well he took care of himself and his health (since I saw his stuff in his little shopping basket) and his manners and behavior….. he was so ideal. He even looked at me and said “Have a great day” and he meant it. When I bought my stuff and got back in the car, I nearly cried. I almost want to cry even now. This was two days ago, and I havent stopped thinking about him since. It caught me off guard how well-mannered he was, well-groomed and friendly, and said such nice (although mundane) things; but what made me want to cry even more was that I knew I could never even attract someone like that. If I ever met him through a friend or something, he would never want me. I just cant attract these types of men. I dont know who they like, but they sure dont like me, or I would’ve had one by now. All I ever attract is street trash. I fought tears the whole drive home. While I was driving, I even considered parking somewhere and just crying it out before I got home. I wanted to cry like that because 1) I was so surprised to even see a young man like that (eats healthy, friendly, dressed so nice [he obviously worked at some kind of office], wanted to make me laugh even though he didnt know me, etc) and 2) I wanted to cry because I knew I could never get someone like him. I would never deserve him. Like I said, even now I want to cry. Thank God I have some self control over my tears because my mom and grandmother are in here and I dont dare want them to see me crying over some young man we all know I’ll never see again, and certainly never have. How pathetic. I’m so disgusted in myself. I dont know why I even look at men anymore.

  30. 180
    Joe

    I just have to LOL (and roll my eyes) @ prettygirl #177.
     
    @ miranda #181: it sounds like you had a perfect opening.  Why didn’t you ask the guy for his number, or offer him your card?

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