Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find BoyfriendsDear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target—a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way—when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor—very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles—tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs—are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect—putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.

 

www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/group-coaching/focus.php

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Comments:

  1. 241
    Jesse

    Another dark side that is rarely mentioned is that often times your relationships get destructed before they can actually become full fledged relationships. 
    Not that I’m super gorgeous but I typically draw lots of attention. Not one of my relationships has EVER not included a great deal of trust issues and jealousy with my partners. It takes a special kind of man to watch the woman you love/like get hit on by every man and even other women as well. It takes an incredible amount of trust to know that the woman your with can hand out rejection slips.
    People are ALWAYS messing with your relationships. They’ll tell you things about the guys you date with their own ulterior motives in mind. It’s hard to trust even your friends. Are they saying these things out of jealousy or perhaps they themselves want to get with you (as in male friends) or is it really the truth. Strangers will even interfere causing problems in your relationships based on your looks. For instance I was out at a club with a guy I’ve been dating for a while we were dancing guys were constantly trying to pull me away and even a woman came over and right in front of my dates face told me I way to beautiful to be with him, that I should find someone more attractive and she even tried to find me someone she thought would be more suitable to my looks. Understandably he got upset and though I chased after him he’s been vaguely responding to me after that incident. I feel horrible about it because I know how I would feel if the situation was reversed. Now I have to figure out a way to do damage control and reassure him that he’s all I want! Most of the men I’ve been with can’t deal with the amount of attention received and either split or try to lock me away as their personal prisoner. Many men know up front that they don’t intend deal with the relationship drama that comes with dating a beautiful woman. 
    Most men assume your a “slut” or you’ve slept with many people since there are so many options even if you aren’t. It creates tons of trust issues if you even get to that point. Because your deemed a “slut” and while most men love sleeping with “sluts” but they never consider “sluts” to be wife/girlfriend material. 
    I am a very solitary person and I would love to be alone sometimes. I know it sounds weird but if you can’t even pump gas, pick out your veggies at a grocery store or walk through a mall without being hit on, cat called or having people run up to you it starts to get to you after a while. It’s annoying. Some days I wish I could just shrink right into the earth or be like Casper the Ghost walking around living life. 
    And I deal with the, “your gorgeous how come your still single” comment almost daily! I HATE IT with a passion. As if there’s something wrong with me that I should grab hold of the first guy to take me bowling and tell me I’m pretty! It breeds and insecurity of sorts. 
    Though I have more men chasing after me than I can handle, I refuse to date 99% of them and rarely date! As the article says good men pay for the sins of bad men and I’ve become tired and frustrated trying to figure out whose who. Most of the men in my life want to only sleep with me or they want to get married to me the night they meet me (pretty much telling me they are only interested in me as a trophy wife and arm candy as opposed to getting to know me then wanting to marry me). 
    I know that I have serious trust issues with EVERYONE because of my looks. Not only with men as pointed out in this article but with other females as well. I’m always questioning everyone else. It’s not fun! I’m trying to learn to be a little more trusting but it’s a difficult thing to over come when you’ve been used to dealing with the world a certain way all your life. It’s like living on survivor! So those thinking that pretty girls have it easy your wrong! 

  2. 242
    hunter

    …..”people are always messing with your relationships”…I love it….there is truth to that….

  3. 243
    judy

    Jesse 242 – I’m 60 and am still getting those blasted remarks.  How come a lovely woman like you is still single?
    I think the trick is, to not go into hiding. Be proud of your femininity. (As one poster said on this thread – why can’t attractive women hide themselves a bit…..answer; that’s what I did for a very long time – and then thought, God, why should I hide to make myself look like plain Jane to get a man who treats me with respect???
    If a woman or man comes up to you and starts giving her/his comments as to whom you should be with, I mean duh?? You can tell them very sweetly that it’s your concern.
    The slut issue? I think women are putting out more quickly than before, because otherwise they lose the man.  To some people – beautiful women = puts out more.  Hm.  I’ve been there and heard that, almost in those words from a man.  I dumped him.  If he thinks I’m a slut, he shouldn’t have been sleeping with me, right?
    The insecurity thing is that, since you are pretty and single, the underlying message is “there must be something wrong with you”.  No, no and no.  This is where the trust issue comes in.  It isn’t easy to trust again. 
    If he wants to marry you the night he meets you (yes, I’ve known that too), either……he just wants sex OR he just wants to get married (trophy wife).  Ask yourself if that’s what you want to be, i.e. trophy wife.  (It can be excruciatingly BORING).
     
    Karl 73 – strangely enough, I would prefer it if a man says that he likes what I’m wearing, but would actually prefer a compliment on my personality, kindness or whatever.  Contrary to what one poster said on here, some women (and men) can look even better with age.  The exterior usually reflects the interior.  Some women become bitter with age and you notice it.  Some become insecure (when a man just wants you for sex, it isn’t exactly a compliment!) and you notice that too.  Some give up, and others still keep on trying.
     

  4. 244
    hunter

    @244,
     
    …..”how come a woman like you is still single?”…man is nosey….maybe bored too…at 50, “pretty and single” ?…..not because we are selective, because we get sensitive….at 50, the subject of “marriage” no longer gets a man certain places…”some women become bitter with age”?….”some become insecure”?…..manhaters is the better word….we can compliment on personality/kindness, after we have known her for some time…..
     

  5. 245
    hunter

    @244,
     
    ….most urologist offices are booked solid…..and you say men at 50 all they want is sex?…..hhhmmh….

  6. 246
    judy

    Hunter 245, 246 – thanks for your comments.  I think you misinterpreted or I was not clear. 
    No, I’m not a manhater.  At all.  I appreciate the company of men and am very much in their company. Preferably the men who show respect.  Courtesy and kindness (and this is not a mean comment aimed at anyone, including you, Hunter, or Jesse or Karl or whoever – it is an impersonal comment).
    Nowhere did I say that a man at 50 only wants sex.  This was a mixture of a reply to Karl and to Jesse 242.  I can’t remember which post of Karl’s I was replying to.  I believe Karl had said that postponing sex can also break up a relationship.  Possibly it was not on this thread.  For me, sex and love go together.  Sex without love does not fulfil me.  It might fulful him, but if he then wanders off, chances are, it didn’t!!!!!
    Jesse made the point that  “Most of the men in my life want to only sleep with me or they want to get married to me the night they meet me” .
    No, I don’t think all a man wants is sex, and neither do I think that a woman doesn’t want sex either.  What I WAS thinking, in reply to Jesse 242, is that if he wants to get married on the first night he meets her, maybe he wants a trophy wife, or just sex.  It’s up to Jesse 242 (or indeed, up to me, or up to you Hunter, if that’s what you want).
    Yes, maybe a urologist’s office is booked solid. 
    I do know that men are human.  (:o)

  7. 247
    hunter

    @247,
     
    …most men want to be respected….I think most women want to be cherished….

  8. 248
    judy

    Hunter 248 – I think that statement of yours is true, yes.

  9. 249
    Julia

    @Hunter
     
    I think everyone wants to be respected. Being cherished without being respected in not a good deal IMO.

  10. 250
    hunter

    ….@249julia,

    …that has a way of working in….

  11. 251
    TA

    So true. So true.. I’ve no idea how to let my guard down now, but will give that other page a read. I think with the digital age, a tsunami of narcissism and self-absorption has wiped out sincerity, causing men’s competitiveness to go into hyper-drive to keep up with their peers. Unfortunately this transfers to really nice ladies who are hunted down by men needing a trophy. It’s nauseating.

  12. 252
    judy

    Julia 249 – thinking your comment over, I think that being cherished includes respect – it’s just that the respect maybe comes first for the man and cherishing comes first for the woman.

    1. 252.1
      Julia

      Well I’m a woman, so I can definitely speak about this woman. I want to be respected first, cherished second. In fact, the two are not the same. We can cherish our children and not respect them as our peers. Men can cherish women and still treat them as beneath them. I believe that we should respect everyone.

  13. 253
    Ray

    Catherine (165)
    I`m 28y old male, curently single, very athletic looking, have a Masters degree, have my own busines, own my luxury apartment in my countrys capitol most exclusive area, have a nice coupe with full trim,… from all stated you can immagine my self awarness and inner confidence. And just to back this all up I can give you my facebook profile so you can see it. Now basicaly, from elementary school I dated and had sex with a LOTs of very different women ranging from: innocent princess girl next door, wild rock girl, cheerleader, nerdy bookworm girl, student girls, waitreses, bartenders, gogo dancers in clubs, I even had a stripper as a girlfriend (it lasted 2 months), models, business woman that is older than me, engineer girl, pediatric doctor, pro classic dancer, female friends of my friends, a drug addict girl,….
    Based on my experience regardless of age, all woman can be put in one of these categories:
    1) Innocent girl – They are gorowed up watching Disney movies and immagening prince charming, who will swipe them of their feet, marry them and they will live happily ever after… They are very sensitive, and tend to give man unlimited, unreserved trust. They have that illusion that sex is love. And they would never cheat their boyfriend.
    2) Curious girl – Ussualy when they are in highschool and up to 20-22 years. Then they start to realyze there is something more excyting than borring prince charming. They are atracted to confident guys who look good, have balls and have “I dont give a shit attitude”. They are experimenting and start to learn about their sexuality. Basicaly they want man who will lead them and be their teacher.
    3) Bitter woman – After dating (haveing sex) with a couple of exciting bad boys, the woman starts to see a patern that she cant tame such man or change them. Yet she is exclusivly attracted to those type of man and not in borring knight (prince charming) type of beta males. And becouse of that she starts to be bitter on all man. After a while and acumulated baggage from past realationships she becomes closed, bitter and moody becouse she is sexualy atracted in a type of guy that will never commit to her and be hers only.
    4) Experienced woman – Who has acepted her sexuality; understands that love and sex are two completly different things. She has sex just to enjoy and let steam out, have no regrets about it. And have fulfiled emotional life on the other side.
    I think you finnaly became 4th type. :)

  14. 254
    Peter 51

    28 and at least 20 women notched on his bedpost.  Ladies is this the bad boy you all desire as a husband.  Why would a decent man want you after you dated him?

    1. 254.1
      starthrower68

      #253 makes me grateful I was married with kids at that age.  It makes me even more grateful I don’t have a ticking bio clock.  The personal bubble is very comfortable.

  15. 255
    chelsea

    I am 24 and I think this maybe my problem. I was recently told by a friend that because I am attractive and have a good body etc. I tend to attract a certain kind of guy. This makes me so sad :( because I do have a good personality, I am friendly and have been told that I’m kind hearted.
    I just want someone to like me in a real way, I’m so sick of being disregarded as a real option, no one ever wants to commit to me :( and I end up just feeling silly. I to have begun to loose trust its really difficult to deal with.  Its not that even think I’m amazing, I have been told that I’m very pretty and I don’t have trouble with guys, I just attract really horrible shallow guys

  16. 256
    Alison

    Just thought I’d add my 2 cents:
    I’m 52 now.  Still very attractive – long red hair, hourglass figure, great teeth and skin, etc. 
    I’ve never been married.  Never been asked.  I’ve had 4 boyfriends in the last 25 years.  From 2006 until 2012 I didn’t go on a single date. 
    I have a master’s degree.  I’ve traveled around the world, alone.  I’ve never had a date on Valentine’s Day or New Year’s Eve. 
    Don’t drink or smoke.  Don’t have a bunch of cats or anything weird!
    I have finally accepted that I will never have a loving, committed relationship with any man ever.  The men who approach me are ALWAYS either married or have serious issues, like homelessness or addictions.  So I have created a life for myself: I own a successful business, I have a wonderful daughter, I have wonderful friends, and I enjoy spending time with myself.  Yes, I’m lonely.  But I can live with it. 
    Ladies, sometimes you just have to make your own life.  And men, if you see that pretty lady eating alone, or at the concert alone, or fishing at the pier alone, go up and say hi.  You never know; it might be me, and yes, I would love to go grab a coffee with you.

  17. 257
    hunter

    …pretty lady eating alone?….hhmmhh….

    1. 257.1
      Vi

      Ha! Are you saying you never see attractive women eating alone? I have had to eat out alone for 20 years now. And I’m far from ugly. 

  18. 258
    Vi

    This is not my experience at all. The idea that attractive women have endless men lining up, even for the wrong reasons – ha! I wish! I am apparently a very attractive female (not my arrogance, just what people have constantly told me) and I can honestly say that men completely ignore me most of the time, or are even actively hostile. Or else they flirt but never make a move and when I try to take the reigns they run a mile. I am now 41, still very attractive for my age and look much younger and I have been single for 7 years. It is awful. 

  19. 259
    Debbie

    This was plagarized – was written by someone else then you used it here.  

    1. 259.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I can assure you that I, Evan Marc Katz, am the sole author of everything ever written on this blog over 7+ years. If you wish to come back and provide the link of whomever you perceive to be the original author, I will be sure and reach out to him/her and have my lawyer send a cease and desist letter.

  20. 260
    Jenny Ravelo

    I remember that back in HS there was a pretty girl who was constantly mistreated by the men she dated. She had a very bad taste in men and it was probably because she chose the men that acted like her father, who also had a lot of issues. Why is this so relevant? Because a lot of times the problem or the main problem is not our looks and has nothing to do with them. All we get to know about Ashley is that she’s pretty, but we don’t know what sort or men she dates and how she behaves during her dates. We miss all the possible red flags because we don’t really know the whole story.

  21. 261
    rawr

    I don’t like seeing things like this. If you want to feel loved then give men like me who aren’t Mr suave a chance. I stick to meeting average girls because literally every single woman behind a certain beauty threshold will either reject me or treat me like I’m disposable. If men aren’t asking you out then put a little more effort into putting yourself out there. Hell ask men out and experience rejection like we have, might learn you to respect us a bit more for all the effort we put in.

    1. 261.1
      starthrower68

      That almost comes off as, “I settle for average girls but I don’t really want them”.  

      1. 261.1.1
        Peter 51

        Starthrower,

        The flood of discussions about females picking the one man in five (using the OKC ratio) for a short term fling overlooks that it is men who are picky when it comes to long term relationships. For both sexes there is an inverse relationship (of a complicated kind) between desirability for a one night stand and a marriage partner. All acknowledge that women are very picky when it comes to a casual pick up. There is less discussion about men being picky about acquiring a wife and mother of his children (a “partner” with a career needs intellectual effort to integrate, however Post Modern it may be – peasant culture has been around 6000 years). Check out his mother. If he’s denying access, you already know what you need to.

        To return to track, very pretty women may not be attractive for LTR’s for any but the most attractive men. They attract too much rival attention. Who wants to fend off some rival who is OCD about prettiness. (Very pretty women I meet seem to have such followers/stalkers). A very pretty woman has to project compensating virtues, particularly some kind of trustworthiness or faithfulness to compensate. A conservative lifestyle or interest in religion for example.

        1. starthrower68

          It’s all just silliness.

        2. Jenny Ravelo

          I do agree with you, but still that doesn’t mean they dont want pretty women, what they actually want is a woman who is pretty, but less pretty than what they’d want for a LTR. 

          In any case, rawr wrote “I stick to meeting average girls because literally every single woman behind a certain beauty threshold will either reject me or treat me like I’m disposable”. This are not the words of someone that actually wants an average woman but is rather settling for someone he can get.

    2. 261.2
      hunter

      …chasing the tall, long neck, busty, women, is highly competitive…

  22. 262
    fifi

    Oh lol, ugly up girl! Simple! I had this problem back in the day, yet I would never dream of saying this was my problem – it seems so vain and deluded. Even if I was sure it was the reason – no way would I be saying it! I’m saying it now because those days are long ago and I’m not impressing anyone here. I want to help and no one else has said this. I found it was much easier to dress in plain, simple clothes with no makeup – maybe a hint of mascara and a lip tint if it was evening or you’re not dark haired. Clothes that skim the figure – not a tent, unless men die with lust at the mere sight of your eyes but not a figure hugging man trap. You can still be fashionable and attractive but you don’t add glitter and sparkle to a perfect rose do you? Less is more. Allow yourself to be a bit clumsy, make mistakes, laugh and treat them as just another person. Be interested in what they have to say, ask questions! Don’t grill them and don’t even mention what you expect or what you rules are – have fun – it’s a date not a pre-arranged marriage test! Be genuine, warm and stay true to yourself – don’t go mud wrestling just to seem friendly – no need to dumb down or lower yourself but lighten up and don’t dazzle with all the tricks plainer girls need – it’s very easy … you have to give up the need to be adored from afar … that’s the hidden reason behind most of these “I’m too pretty stories”. All the replies have merit and are worth thinking over. Do all you can to learn about yourself and how you are perceived but don’t get neurotic or waste too much time self analyzing – focus on your interests and having a full life – learn how to read men. Get out, get happy and stop thinking your looks are holding you back – self indulgent nonsense girl. I was married by the time I was 25 and had several adoring hotties previous to that. My biggest thrill – going out plain as a stick and dazzling men with my personality – sometimes I’d wear a hot outfit just for him to be awed by – otherwise – cool and laid back … don’t give it all in one hit

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