How To Tell If A Guy’s Falling In Love With You

Hey Evan,

I met a really nice guy. We are going out for a month now. And as all women do, I’m falling in love. But how do I know if he is feeling the same way about me without having to ask him directly?

Antonella from Holland

Dear Antonella,

I wrote about this in a chapter of Why You’re Still Single called:”Diminishing Returns.”

In it, a woman wonders why a man would invest time, energy and money in somebody he might not even care about.

(There was originally a great joke about oral sex here that was later removed by editors, but the point remains the same.)

A guy can want to fall in love, tell you you’re beautiful, treat you like a queen, and ravish you in the bedroom, and it still doesn’t give any indication that he’s actually interested.

So how will you know that he’s interested in you?

He’ll call you as soon as possible to make plans to see you again. That’s it.

Any other excuse, as pointed out ad nauseum in He’s Just Not That Into You, is meaningless.

You’re not wrong, Antonella, for wanting to find some clarity in your relationship. It’s normal that, over the course of a month, your feelings would start to deepen and develop. But one month is still a short period of time and unless you’re quite positive that he’s on the same love track as you are, I would lean back and play it cool.

You shouldn’t have to ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you.

Instead of forcing him to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation before he’s figured out his feelings, why don’t you just wait to see him reveal his feelings? Believe me, if he’s calling you every day and wants to see you four nights a week, you can be pretty sure that he’s serious about you. On the other hand, if you see him once a week and he only communicates with you by text message, I wouldn’t get too excited about him.

And when you reach the point where you simply can’t live without the knowledge that you’re in a committed relationship, most likely, in a month or two, that’s when it’s time to have a real conversation with him.

But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to have ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you. And if he’s not making an effort, you don’t have to look very far for your answer.

Update: This is such a popular topic, I created a special video that dives into this topic further! Click here to learn how to tell if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Roger

    Evan is definitely right on point here. Listen to what he says Antonella.

    Roger

  2. 2
    Damie

    I know how to tell a guy is falling in love with you. He tells you, with his actions, and not necessarily just his words.

  3. 3
    Rayna

    I agree with Damie. Actions must match his words. One of the big signs that a man loves you is that he tells everyone about you and how much in love with you that he is. He can’t stop thinking about you or talking about you. He wants you to meet everyone that is important to him.

  4. 4
    cora

    also, he stops dating other women.

    I once dated a guy who swore up and down that he was just THAT into me. he’d send me little e-mails to let me know he was thinking about me. he’d say he was excited about (listen closely here) ‘the potential of an us’. he’d talk about the way my lips made him swoon. I thought it was over-the-top, but he seemed so convinced that I started to believe his ardor myself. I started to let him in. and then predictably, just as I started being the one to want to make plans and get closer, he starts to withdraw. I later found out he’d met another woman online to swoon over. he pulled what my g’friends and I call THE BIG FADE. went from 60 to 0 in under 3 dates.

    ah well. I know it’s tough when your hopes are high, but take it from a veteran of the big fade. It’s just in some people’s natures to gush initially with little thought of following up words with actions. just as ev says, your boy may be a keeper, but you only know when you don’t have to wonder or have a big talk about where you stand. True love, when it’s there, is a pretty obvious and unambiguous thing. just as me or my husband. ;).

    1. 4.1
      Carolyn

      I love this comment!

  5. 5
    Ella

    When I fisrt started dating my boyfriend he was very flaky. He spent more time with his buddies than me, only called me about once or twice a week and never seemed to put me first. I stuck it out, for five years to be exact because I knew when we were together that he was the one and he just needed some time to grow up. We broke up after five years of dating and spent three years apart dating other people but remained close friends. What I couldn’t find even in the guys that wanted to see me every day was that comfort and unconditional love that I felt in someone who only saw me a few times a week. After three years I realized I was spinning my wheels dating other people and I wanted him back. We had one date and we decided to move in together. We have now been living together for 8 months and things couldn’t be better. We have a new puppy who we both adore but most importantly we see a lot of each other and his friends and other priorities take a backseat to our relationship.

    Ella

    1. 5.1
      Carmel

      Thanks Ella for bring me hope.  I am experiencing a similar situation.  I have dated two other guys that are far more successful and emotionally available.  They are interested in me but I can’t seem to stop thinking about the other guy who allows me to be myself and accept my quirky personality.  I love him but he just not ready to take it there with me yet.  I am willing to wait it out.

  6. 6
    B

    All good points. For me, it is things like his late night calls when he tells me how he loves it “when lie in bed together and talk like this” but he “feels sad when [he] turns over and realizes we are not actually that close (because we are on the phone)”…how just hearing my voice is healing to him, and how he felt lonely and tortured being in my bed without me (he house-sat the cat when I had to be away for several days and he slept in my bed instead of gong home/next-door to his own).

    Having been together almost 7 years and still not married because all of his friends are married and unhappy, I am content enough to know that he loves me and is with me because he WANTS to be. I was married once, for 20 years. We both enjoy our space and treasure even more our time together. I sense he is getting closer to knowing that he DOES want to get married, but I am not pushing him. We have our careers, he is transitioning there, and we might both be relocating to another area soon. (He even told his mother that she should start thinking about moving when we do, as we help take care of her…and I love her as much as he does!)

    He is my best friend and partner, an intuitive parent and counselor to my children and pets, my spiritual guru, and the one true love of my life.

    Life is precious and our love relationship is our most precious gift.

    How to know if he is in love with you? There’s no mistaking it…but you might not even hear it expressed in those words!

  7. 7
    Jami

    I dated a man, for 3 months, for the first 8 weeks he called every day and stayed with me from our first kiss. After the 8 weeks, he asked me if I only wanted sex from him? I told him no. then he told me he loved me and asked if I loved him. I was sared, I had never felt that way plus his ex was calling in the middle of the night. He slowly pulled away on the fourth month and slept with his ex. Now 6months later I still love him, he calls me (he knows how I feel), will tell me he loves me, when I do not say anything, he says he loves everyone. He wants to have sex/then doesn’t want to hurt me. I have not had sex with him, I couldn’t do it, I cried. I know he loved me but not sure what happened. I had never felt like that before but I realized it to late. I still cry over him and love him.

    1. 7.1
      julie

      I met this man on line, he come round to pick me up and he took me out for a meal afterwards he come back we had coffee. we chatted then we end up in the bedroom having sex or making love. Now he is in love with me and telling me I am beautiful by treating me like a queen, he wants a serious relationship. He announced his love on line through diary on the dating website so I did the same, he text me expressing his love for me and phone me which his father is very frail of the age 85 years of age due to huge commitment by looking after his Dad and he works long hours too. I am falling in love with this man, I just want to cry..crying for him and I don’t want to be hurt again by the heart ache.

  8. 8
    hunter

    to Jami,

    …you saw him 3 months? That is the perfect period. The first 90-days, is all hunky-dory…everything is fine, everyone is on time, men always shave, etc. Details begin to surface from 3-6 months, men 10 minutes late, forget to shave, etc. You had sex with him? You are bonded…women marry from the neck down, men marry when we sign a certificate. Having sex is like adding super-glue at the short hair site….oxytocin? Maybe, but it will be up to two years before you break the bond, unless, you see someone else as soon as you can, remember, no sex.

  9. 9
    witch_angel

    i had sex with my indian friend,he grew up in my country,here in the philippines.i think im in-love with him,he never had a girlfriend.after what happened i never heard anything from him.what does that means?

  10. 10
    witch_angel

    how to make an indian man fall in-love with me…im a filipina

    1. 10.1
      Tina

      Oh you witch angel…he got what he wanted from you and so he left..there was nothing special dont you see? All he wanted was just a one night stand

  11. 11
    Diana

    My boyfriend and I first met in Jr high.Then came back into contact at our mutual guy friend’s girlfriend’s(she’s my friend too) 23rd birthday. We’ve been spending more and more time every week.Depending on our work schedules.Slightly less if I have to work the closing shift.

    From what I hear, he used to complain etc to the couple we know because he hardly got to see our guy friend.But now he knows what it’s like to have someone who he wants to see all the time.

    I know I’m not in love with him.It’s been only a month.I do know I’m falling in love.At this stage in my relationship, it’s more lust than anything else.I don’t want to rush anything.He makes me feel safe and not scared like the guys I dated before him.He’s not saying I love you during the first week or talking about marriage in the first week.Which is nice because I tend to not stay in relationships where they move too fast.

  12. 12
    stacy

    i meet this guy at work i really like and we have become friend but i have fullen in love with him i told him by text that im fulling in love with him but he didt text back nothing, so i dont know how he feels, please give me advice and tell me what he might be thinking

  13. 13
    Marina

    Stacy, girl I hate to be tough about this but Im gonna be honest, he doesnt feel the same way. Guys really are not complicated they do what they want, when they want to. If he really liked you he would contact you one way or another. Also are you sure your in love with him or have you just not met anyone else, and seeing him everyday is more convinient??? Stop and ask yourself, is this a guy for in the meantime so I dont have to be alone??, if thats that case then trust me feeling a little lonely is better then the quick fix that still doesnt fill the void.

  14. 14
    Michael Ejercito

    Marina,

    One of the perks of having an SO is to measure up to other people. Someone for the meantime would just do.

  15. 15
    E

    Me and my current boyfriend have been together for 5 months now and before that we were really good mates, and we have always had chemistry, (how we met was a twist of fate, but thats another story!) but he had a rep with the ladies, i thought i would never get with a male ‘slag’ as u could call it…but a few months after i split with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years, and a brief relationship with another guy, he asked me out..i thought hard about it and decided 2 give it a go..2 of our friends who are together are with each other ALL the time and are basically married! my boyfriend said that he would never be that kind of boyfriend and said that we are too young to live out of each others pockets and that he wasnt the type of guy 2 see me every day..i thought fair enough! and just got on casually with the relationship, it was very rocky, with him not treating me very well and causing arguements and basically i thought he had not much interest, the one time he had done something horrible 2 me, and he wanted to make it up and said for us to have a nite in at his just the two of us…he decided 2 go to his mates after an hour or so!! charming! and i almost split with him on a few occasions cuz of how he treated me!..but about 2 or 3 months ago he changed, he became like our 2 friends..he wants to see me everyday and gets sad when he dont see me for like a day! he says he loves me all the time, says that he thinks im the one and always has been since we first met, and even says that if he could afford it and i was a little older (im 18 he’s 20) he would ask 2 marry me right now! and he has said that a few times..it kinda freaked me out at first! because his attitude towards me changed totally..but hes a great guy and i wouldnt want anyone else, we have such fun and a laugh together we have always been compatable and our group of friends have said that they knew we would end up together soon enough! but i was very shocked by his sudden change of behaviour! and so were all our friends claiming he had never been like this with a girl and how he has ‘settled down’ from his wild ways..it was a shock as i had known him before…and hes always saying that if he lost me he wouldnt know what to do…its just not him! but i feel that is how you know a guy has fallen 4 u..love makes him change..wanting to see you everyday..calling you & texting all the time, wanting to spend random weekends away with you, calling you at 3am after a night out with the lads saying how much they love you and how they never want to spend a night away from you ever again..even saying that even if he is out with his mates he cant stop thinking about you and when your in the same room as him he feels so happy that your there.
    i know im quite young..but i feel that this is when you know a guy is in love with you..when he changes his behaviour as he has gradually fallen for you and wanting to see you everyday cause he loves your company.

  16. 16
    Aida

    Guys never love a woman with a real intention. Don’t be deceived when guys tell u that ur their only love. Guys give love to gain sex… Woman whould be smart enough not to give sex to gain love… In my case, I can only say one thing, I am lucky enough to say “NO”. Guys never fall in love with girls, they just like money and sex… There is no good guys in this world… So I prefer to better stay single for the rest of my life…

  17. 17
    Anonymous

    Ok, Aida, if you prefer to stay single, then may I ask a dumb question? Why are you reading a DATING blog? (I am female, btw…not some jerky guy)

  18. 18
    hunter

    to aida,

    There is a way of making dating fun, keep telling your story, there is always someone out there with correct answers.

  19. 19
    Udonotneedtoknow

    ok aida

    not all guys are in it for sex.
    My dad has 5 kids, three from his first marriage and 2 with his new wife, and he is extremely happy, he doesn’t even have time for sex.
    he loves my stepmom and he shows it. A man will show it if he truely loves u, even if they don’t know that they are doing it.
    so if u want to be single fine, but dont ruin it it for the rest of girls like me. U HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK!!!!!! if u have had problems with dating then screw dating for u. see ya!!!!!!!

  20. 20
    Evan Marc Katz

    Udonot –

    That’s not how we play on this blog. Feel free to disagree with Aida’s point of view. Please leave out the personal insults. Thanks.

    The Management

  21. 21
    Heather

    I am a little disappointed in one thing that Aida wrote. If I guy only text’s you during the week and does not call and only sees you once a week does not prove whether or not he is into you. I think calling a women and wanting to see her four or five times out of the week is too excessive with in a month of time. Taking things slow with someone does not mean they are not or will not fall for you. Our society has become too much about instant gratification, and any man that hangs around too much makes me wonder how mature he is and how stable he is. Nothing wrong with having boundaries, and your own life. I see my boyfriend once a week and we text every day, and I am sure he is into me. So to sum it up a month is a very short time to start questioning any body how they feel about you or delving into your own feelings about them. So slow your horses.

    1. 21.1
      Sandy

      I agree with “slow your horses”, and that’s saying a LOT coming from me – one who wears her heart on her sleeve, loves love, and ‘falls in love’ VERY easily. But my current ‘boyfriend’ has taught me a whole new lesson & showed me a whole new world.
      We’ve been seeing each other a year and a half. He made it clear from day 1 that he was not the marrying kind, didn’t want to ‘be owned’ or ‘own’ any woman. I was in desperate need of a friend at the time, I rolled with it & assured him I was content being single. From the first day we met until now, not one single day has passed that we haven’t communicated in some way. I didn’t let myself have expectations & simply enjoyed him. Of course, after almost a year I could not hold it inside any longer & told him I loved him. I also said I’m not “in love”. He laughed & simply hugged me. Funny thing, I realized that even though I still only ‘see’ him once a week, He’s the most real & sincere FRIEND I have. I know he loves me but he’s never said a word. Ladies, try to relax :) … Enjoy your man, let him enjoy you. Things will develop, or not. Either way, at least you smelled the roses!

  22. 22
    Heather

    Oops I did not mean Aida I meant Evan! Thanks!

  23. 23
    Tammy

    Hello Aida,
    What made you so bitter towards men? I am in no way saying that you are not entitled to your opinion, but you sound so angry.

  24. 24
    Dollie

    I kinda skimed over what everyone said but i have to say that I do agree Heather .. i been with my bf since may 21 an we mainy just text a few times each day an its usually almost everyday except one day during the week I get to see him. though might get harder now with the huge possiblity that he now moving .. i love to move with him as i have that gut feeling he is the one just i know its only been a few months .. but im hoping he decides not to move ot sayin it sefishly just his friends are here an his family is close pus he told me he rather stay here to begin with .. he only moving cuz of work which had him move his stuff to here from where he was before an then 2 weeks later tell him to move back after he already moved back home .. thats a stab in teh back .. but ayways was getting off topic .. even if the guy doesnt call an just only texts could be he hates being on the phone an rather speak face to face hence the seeing you as much as he can .. I love my guy an teh why he looks at me all dreamy like says he loves me to even if he ot said it his actions speaks volums from how he kisses me to how he holds me even when he with his friends

    ^_^

  25. 25
    vida

    I would like to share with you all my casual relationship with my very close friend. We both are married and working together. Our story started with friendship eating together, sending SMS, calling each other and chatting when home. Then suddenly I dont know what happened we ended up sleeping together until now. I love him but I dont know if he feels the way. One time I asked him if he love me, he replied and said Almost. He said I’m special to him and thats the only thing he can give me. He cant tell the word that he loves me as its not right.

  26. 27
    Nee

    I think when it comes to love, you don’t always know it’s love unless you know if you are ready for it. I have been dating a guy for six months now. In the beginning, since I was still getting over breakup (3 years together), I was trying to just have fun and play it casual. Then I wondered “3 months is a long time to be with someone without a relationship” so he became my boyfriend. I kept doubting him because I doubted myself in my ability to love again so soon, but his still believed in me. Now at 6 months, I know he really loves me from the way he tells me and calls me all the time. Sme guys can be shy about the chivalry so you may not always know how he feels if he’s not the romantic type. Give him time and overall, he will show you if you gently show him what you want. After two weeks apart, now I really know how much I adore him!

  27. 28
    starthrower68

    Reference to another of Evan’s blogs: “do nothing; sit back and watch what he does. If you like it, stay. If you don’t go”. Makes it very simple and uncomplicated.

    1. 28.1
      diwata

      Not all men are the same just like women are. there are good or bad men and women too.I believe that men can fall in love with a woman even without sex or money. Love is a feeling, it is not lust for sex. Some are deceived that when they had sex its love., as some girls do. Did u know that when a man fall in love with a woman, it can cost him his life? He will do protect you. I believe to keep a man’s interest is to let him feel or see that you are worth loving and keeping for life!

  28. 29
    Sweetie

    Now this is just my opinion so please I hope I don’t offend anyone…

    If a man is always up under you everyday of the week, then he is not a real man…he needs to get a job !!!

    If a man is working …. leave him be… let him work and talk with him when he gets home.

    Women need to be more secure in themselves to know that even if a man doesn’t call you right back … it does not mean that he is doing something wrong… maybe he is just doing his job and can’t call you right back.

    I remember another blogger stating that as a society we are programmed for instant gratification… that is sooooo true. I believe that if we learn to take things slow and gradual… maybe more of our relationships will last longer or become permanent. There might be a more solid foundation of the relationship if we take the time to learn a person before we bed down with them. Then maybe we can make an educated and sound decision on whether or not we are in LOVE or LUST with a person.

    Like I said I don’t mean to offend anyone this is just my honest opinion.

    1. 29.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Sweetie @29 – Keeping some form of communication going on a daily or almost daily basis is not is not the same as a “a man is always up under you everyday of the week”.
      These days most men and women have a job of some sorts.  But a man or woman who works 24/7 has no time for a relationship, and would not be a good relationship partner.  This is not about wanting someone to be unemployed and “up under” anyone 24/7.  This about a life balance.  I don’t think it is ridiculous or a sign of “instant gratification” to want contact with your relationship partner on a daily or almost daily basis.  What I think is ridiculous is to cram one’s life so full of jobs & chores, leaving only random time in between the busyness, for a relationship.  People who think face to face contact with an SO once a week, (for a few hours max) with the occasional “thinking of you text” in between is a relationship, are the ones who are being ridiculous if you ask me.  A relationship has to be nourished.  It the so called relationship is being treated as an after thought  (something to be done in that one hour between the 12 hour work day, the trip to the gym,) then it’s not really a relationship. 

  29. 30
    Sayanta

    Sweetie- #29

    Why would you offend anyone? That is some of the most sound advice I’ve ever heard.

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