How To Tell If A Guy’s Falling In Love With You

Hey Evan,

I met a really nice guy. We are going out for a month now. And as all women do, I’m falling in love. But how do I know if he is feeling the same way about me without having to ask him directly?

Antonella from Holland

Dear Antonella,

I wrote about this in a chapter of Why You’re Still Single called:”Diminishing Returns.”

In it, a woman wonders why a man would invest time, energy and money in somebody he might not even care about.

(There was originally a great joke about oral sex here that was later removed by editors, but the point remains the same.)

A guy can want to fall in love, tell you you’re beautiful, treat you like a queen, and ravish you in the bedroom, and it still doesn’t give any indication that he’s actually interested.

So how will you know that he’s interested in you?

He’ll call you as soon as possible to make plans to see you again. That’s it.

Any other excuse, as pointed out ad nauseum in He’s Just Not That Into You, is meaningless.

You’re not wrong, Antonella, for wanting to find some clarity in your relationship. It’s normal that, over the course of a month, your feelings would start to deepen and develop. But one month is still a short period of time and unless you’re quite positive that he’s on the same love track as you are, I would lean back and play it cool.

You shouldn’t have to ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you.

Instead of forcing him to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation before he’s figured out his feelings, why don’t you just wait to see him reveal his feelings? Believe me, if he’s calling you every day and wants to see you four nights a week, you can be pretty sure that he’s serious about you. On the other hand, if you see him once a week and he only communicates with you by text message, I wouldn’t get too excited about him.

And when you reach the point where you simply can’t live without the knowledge that you’re in a committed relationship, most likely, in a month or two, that’s when it’s time to have a real conversation with him.

But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to have ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you. And if he’s not making an effort, you don’t have to look very far for your answer.

Update: This is such a popular topic, I created a special video that dives into this topic further! Click here to learn how to tell if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

Your friend,

Evan

13
5

Join 8 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (96 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    Lavishly30

    I have developed a “Fondness” with a man which is complex for us both,in many instances things are good commendable, the sex is excellent, lavish gifts are in play, petting could be heavier, time spent carefully, but well….of course if anyone they knew would consider it to be taboo & unspeakable anyway……so….point is I am falling more and more for this man it has been some months now and it is getting deeper and my feelings are getting stronger by the day. The other thing is we socialize within the same circle and his best friend is falling for me and I for him also, he is too a total gentelman and we have not crossed that line yet, but I know he wants a real relationship with me and that is something I truly want to have and something that I know I will probably never have with the other man…but even still we are still both in a situation???

  2. 32
    Karl R

    Lavishly30, (#31)

    You’re in a relationship that could get you an appearance on the Springer show. Any advice I could give you would be common sense to anyone age 10 and up.

    What kind of response were you hoping/expecting to receive?

  3. 33
    Maria

    How to tell if a guy is falling for me in my book:

    1.) he is constantly humping my leg

    2.) He is gushing (can’t do enough for me)

    3.) Consistently attentive

    4.) Buys me stuff

    5.) Makes long term plan w/ me (ie vacation planning)

    Men are easy….now where is he dammit?! LOL

  4. 34
    carebear.

    I am young, I am with this guy, this is our second time going at a relationship together. The first time we dated we were together for four months, then we split up because of some drama, and now we have been together for nine months. And i love him. He loves me. We see each other about two- three times a week, and its a lot better that way. Because i never get sick of seeing him. going a few days without him makes me miss him more! if i were with him all the time, i know i still wouldnt be sick of him. But the fact that I have to wait to see him makes our relationship so much better! For the first part of our relationship i was not really into anything more than making out, but now im alllll for everything! and i think its better that way. at least for us. and i know he isnt all about the sex, because we can go for months with out it and the relationship is stillll so sturdy! So trust me, womenn. Love is possibleeee. hahahaha even with the densest of men :)

  5. 35
    fox

    hhhmmm- so if a guy calls every day and wants to see you several times a week, he loves you? Not always! I am love with a man that wants to spend every night with me, calls me up to ten times a day and then tells me that he doesn’t love me as more than a friend. Almost all of his actions prove otherwise. But, I guess that only thing that matters is what he says- he doesn’t want to be with me. I am devastated, heartbroken, and don’t know how to move on. He is my best friend and I don’t want to be without him, but I can’t handle this heartache.

  6. 36
    starthrower68

    It goes back to Evan’s sage advice, “sit back and watch what he does”. Anybody can say anything but actions are what prove it true or not. Once that notion sinks in, and you can keep from getting too attached or emotionally invested until you see those actions, you will be much more at peace.

  7. 37
    FrogPrincess

    I absolutely, 100% agree with Evan on this one. Sometimes guys say what they think you want to hear to get in your pants, calm you down, avoid confrontation, or a million other reasons. Sometimes they say things because they’re just being “in the moment”. They blab whatever it is they’re thinking in that moment, letting possibilities run through their minds. Then later on, well, things change. And sometimes guys just plain lie. What doesn’t lie is ACTIONS. How a man treats you reveals how he feels and I’m not talking about trying to “read” something into him not calling you back or whatever. If a man wants to be with you, he will be with you. If a man wants something else, he will jerk you around, say whatever you want to hear, but make you his absolute last priority. We all deserve to be with someone who not only WANTS to be with us, but actually SHOWS they want to be with us.

    Thus spake the voice of painful experience.
    .-= FrogPrincess´s last blog ..The Brush Off =-.

  8. 38
    Buffy

    I’ve been reading over all these posts and I agree with a lot of them. Now, yes, everyone has their own entitlement to what they say or believe in..but heres it from my point of view. For one..I’ve never had a guy who calls me up four or five times a week.. texts me constantly.. or after we spend time together..immediately plan the next time..and quite frankly..I like it like that. To me.. absence makes the heart grow fonder. Seeing someone every day, though it is nice..even if it’s someone who you are in love with.. or just someone who is a friend tends to be a little too much for me. I seem to think the more you see them..the more..maybe you easily tire of them? If that makes any sense to anyone. I believe that you really start to appreciate missing them..and seeing them..when you don’t get to see them that often.. it kinda makes it that much more enjoyable.. even if you only do see them..every 3 weeks… or every month..and the primary part here is it gives YOU time to sit back and say..”ok… is this love…is this infatuation… am I just lonely..and clinging to him because he is a good man”? You really have to look deep inside yourself and your heart..because sometimes the feelings you may feel at the time can be deceiving. I know “I love you” is one of the most powerful words on earth..and I know..it’s easy to feel the words through and through..but my advice to all of you women in this predicament.. just take your time, take it slow.. don’t start over analyzing a good thing..because thats when it starts driving you crazy. Just appreciate the times you have together with “him”.. let him know that you really do respect him… and let the pieces fall. I’m going use a saying that one of my friends have used to wrap this up.. “Let’s just enjoy our time of getting to know each other, cuddling, finding out about one another.. let me teach you things..and you teach me..we’ll learn along the way from each other..and whatever happens.. happens”. I think that sums it up pretty ideally for me. As for the advice part..to all you ladies.. don’t think just because you texted him..2 hours ago..and he responds.. the next day..don’t think it’s because he “doesn’t like you”..it could be a lot of different factors. A) He could be busy working or engaged in an activity B) He could of left his phone at home.. C) His phone could of died..and needed to be recharged. Theres so many things that “could of happened”..so stay positive.. enjoy the times you get to spend with each other.. and yes.. if I may go out on a random field trip here.. I have a feeling I know what you women are going through.. smelling his scent..strong even after you have left his place.. not wanting to wash your sweater because it has individual scent all over it and you can’t get enough..(yes.. we all do it) Thinking of you and “him” in different scenarios together.. wanting to just hold..and kiss him again.. being in his arms is the only place you wanna be…and you know what.. thats great. It is.. because if you can feel that strongly, put that much raw emotion into it..you’re human.. of course you’re going go through these emotions.. just keep in mind..that even if it doesn’t work out..and you guys remain friends… VALUE the time with the person..and continue to support them in whatever they do..(I know it may be hard to do.. but if you do love them..and care about them..don’t be the selfish one, don’t put him in a compromising position.. just love him for who he is.. and stay positive! Something else, quickly..that I wanna share with you..is “The secret”.. for those who don’t know what it is.. well.. first off it’s a movie.. and it really is the law of attraction. It stayed hidden for a longtime..and why I am mentioning it..is because I think it corresponds with this topic. The law of attraction..or the universe…heres your most..inner..deepest thoughts.. whether it be negative ones.. or positive ones.. so when you say..”I’m inlove with this man… I love his smile.. his distinct laugh..his scent…the way he looks into my eyes” that is a VERY..strong emotional message you are sending out to the universe.. but most importantly.. a positive one. Now, when you are thinking “I love this man.. but he’s never going be mine..we’ll just be friends…and it hurts”..you’re infact sending out.. just that message..and the universe says..”Your wish is my command” and you just get more of those bad feelings…feelings.. of hurt.. and unbridled emotion. Now, I know.. that you guys are probably saying “it’s easier said than done” and you’re right.. but everyone has got to get out of that negative frame of mind.. and be thankful for the things they DO have with this person..NOT what they don’t have. If it helps..make a list.. write down all of the things that you do have with this person..and cherish that, always. I hope this has helped!

    -Buffy

  9. 39
    kaels

    hey the same things happing with me but i go to school with this guy and i cant stop dreaming about him

  10. 40
    DiDi

    Vida, sorry to say that, but i’m so sad and disapointed that their is people think the way you do, my husband did the same with his co-worker, and he has the same exact story, it break our family a part, i dont really know, what make people think they have the right to break a family, G-d gave us brain to think,…………….. is it really worth it …………………………………

  11. 41
    khadija

    Evans advice is true. I wish I had learned this stuff earlier. I learned the hard way in the school of hard knocks.
    Guys know when they’ve met the one. They know early on and proactively express commitment in actions and words. Don’t have sex unless there’s commitment (there’s wisdom to this, ladies.) Sex for women is bonding but it’s not for men. It isn’t wise to bond with a guy who hasn’t committed to you. If you have sex before commitment, it makes him even less likely to value you and commit. If he isn’t making plans with you and taking steps to commit on his own initiative, you are wasting precious time with a man who is stringing you along until his next conquest.

  12. 42
    dreamhearted

    I hate being fall in love with him. He is like an air. He makes me believe that he is attracted to me. After all, he leaves me falling…

  13. 43
    hunnibabe

    I have read the advice on this page and have just been confused. Im still not sure of how to tell if a man is falling in love. I think just waiting till they say it for me is the best way.

  14. 44
    susu

    Go slow and watch his actions.  Best advice ever.  Stop talking about “us” and focus on what you see in your date.  Does he have the qualities that you admire and respect?
    Just hang back and let the relationship develop from the things that really matter in a relationship, respect, mutal interests, admiration of their other qualities such as talents, insights and the like.
    Show your interest in him by enjoying his company and NOT in discussing your feelings endlessly.  When the time is right that discussion on feelings will come up and you will both appreciate the conversation.
    Instead of making rules for yourself like “if he calls me x times this week he is interested” – pay attention to how YOU feel when he calls and what is happening between you.  If you enjoyed the conversation, simply look forward to the next call.  If he is enjoying your company too the exchanges will become more frequent naturally.
    You cant force the right relationship – it develops and sometimes that just takes time.  But the time is well worth it because the relationship you get will be high quality and feel good to you both.

  15. 45
    Jenny

    i agree with someone who said this previously, you know when a guy loves you when they can change completely once they say the first words: i love you
    it means they realize how much you mean to them.. also you can tell by their ACTIONS not just  their words. They spend time with you and do things to make you happy without telling you that’s why their doing them. They care a lot when you’re mad at them, and you can trust them because you know they don’t even think about other girls. People around you can usually see it from the way they look at you and DONT look at other girls. It’s a pretty obvious thing. Also, theres a never “I think i love you” that clearly means theyre unsure and dont want to commit to saying it. If they love you, they’ll know… 100%.
    You can tell, trust me. But remember, don’t just rely on words. Any person on this universe can say the words “I love you. You’re all that i want, i want to marry you, you’re everything” But if you’re having doubts, and their actions don’t add up (not wanting to spend too much time with you, putting friends and other girls as higher priorities…) then the chances are, they don’t love you.

  16. 46
    eimeo

    I pretty much always agree with everything Evan says, and I mostly do here as well, but for the fact that I’m with a wonderful man at the moment and most of our communication is done by text! I’ve always preferred it to phone calls, and he’s not a native English-speaker so sometimes it can be hard to understand him on a bad line anyway… We don’t see each other more than once a week either as our schedules are so busy, but we text up a storm every day (so much so that I had to get my service plan changed so that I could have more inclusive text messages as it was starting to cost me a fortune!) I think, as Evan says, context is so important – while it’s probably true that most men who only text are making a statement about their interest level, there’s always the exception!

  17. 47
    Carolyn

    WATCH THEIR ACTIONS! not necessarily their words. Men show their feelings through their actions. Men may say various things for various reasons, wanting sex, not wanting to hurt your feelings, etc. If they care, you will know through what they do. Particularly since men are not as in touch with their feelings as women or as comfortable verbalizing feelings, their actions are the most valuable indicator…ie do they make time for you, are they seeing you exclusively, what is their body language, etc.

  18. 48
    Svetlana

    @Aida.  That’s not strictly true. Not all men all dog any more than all women are desperate golddiggers. If you want to stay single all your life fine, but something tells me you really don’t because you’re at this page.  My advice to you is maybe not date…yet. Get yourself into some counseling and deal with the anger and hurt issues that are clearly clouding your judgement.  Take responsibility for your part of any negative relationships (and yes, it takes two to mess up)…and then forgive yourself.  Love can be yours, if you are ready for it and you are patient.  I nearly 50 and I just ended a 9 year long “relationship” with a man who I should’ve seen long ago who wasn’t into me. Sure I could go all bitter and say I’m not gonna date anyone…ever, but I say hope springs eternal and for all I know Mr. Right may be just around the corner, and while I’m taking a break now to clear my head, I know when the time is right and if God wills it, true love will be mine.  So take hope Aida, all is not lost.

  19. 49
    Diane

    All I can say is it’s very hard to predict how a man will be even if he texts or calls you many times a day. My ex texted me and called every minute of the day but turned out to be the biggest player in existence. All he did was make me lose trust in men. Now I have been seeing this guy for about a month who seems great in everyway. He textes me everyday, we see each other once a week. No official dating but I honestly believe he is just shy & a little insecure about women. From the conversations we have had he has met women who in the end turn out to have boyfriends. so I can understand his concern. I just hope for the best and willing to see where time will take us and try to enjoy every moment of it…who knows he might be the one!

  20. 50
    Rain

    This is to all the women out there that is searching for their one true love…

    From my experiences, love is a very funny thing.  It comes when you least expected it and it goes when you think that everything is good. Every guy out there has different personalities, there are no two guys that are alike.  Some guys like to talk and some don’t, some are attentive and some doesn’t know what they want.  The most important thing is find your own happiness with or with out a man, only then when you are truly happy that is when the right guy will come along.

    Being confident and happy about who you are is the most important thing because when you are not, you can’t make someone else happy.  Love will come and once it does, like a piece in a puzzle, it will feel like you are complete.

    Cheers,
    P.S. I hope this helps, because I once been in everyone shoes. Now I can say I am happy.

  21. 51
    DeeDee Wright

    If a guy loves you, he will tell you, he will show you, he will not hurt you, he’ll introduce you to his parents and friends, he wants to see you alot even if only for a minute, he’s concerned with your health, he doesn’t lie to you, he includes you in his life and some decisions that he may make, he takes up for you, he marries you!!!

  22. 52
    alittleconfused

    i’m no expert when it comes to love.. i have one failed relationship (or should i say fling) which lasted the whole of two weeks and took me a whole year to stop me blaming myself for being such an idiot
    i strongly believe in 2 things:
    1. if a guy loves you it should be just YOU… the whole ‘i-love-you-but-i-also-love-my-girlfriend/wife-and-i’m-so-confused-but-i-need-you’ line is so crappy its insulting…
    2. never make anyone your priority while you still remain their option… have more respect for yourself… sure in relationship we all need to make a few adjustments, a little compromise… but at the end of it if ur still not u then he’s not in love with u… just the idea of u in his head..
    this comes from personal experience… and both points i believe r applicable to both sexes…
    i am an indian girl studying in a college and i’ve been close friends with a classmate of mine since the last 4 yrs…
    he has a habit of holding my hand and playing with it and seems very comfortable talking to me… he’s like my best guy friend… i dont know how well the rest of u will get this situation but where i am right now, a guy n girl dont hold hands… period … its frowned upon… inappropriate… and coz we’re most of the time in each other’s company almost the entire college believes we’re together… i frankly found the whole thing amusing and there was no awkwardness since he also knew about the rumors.. we even joke about it…
    but there are certain things i’ve noticed over time… he holds my hands (for a long time)… plays with my hair (he told me he found the way i tie my hair in a bun cute)… insists on sitting beside me… has told me a few times that he’s closer to me than to the other guys in class coz i unerstand what he says… another close friend of mine asked me about us and said that she thinks he likes me but is afraid to say it (again this is just her opinion)… i don’t know… maybe i’m overreacting… there’s no way i’d date him… we have very VERY little in common excepts a love for national geographic and action movies… but i wonder if he likes me…

  23. 53
    Is He Just a Loving Person?

    How to tell if a regular ordinary man loves you? His penis eventually grows old and tired so when the blood flow slows down how does a man show love? Go to doctor for a prescription for Viagra? When there is only $50 in cash in his wallet and you have a bill for $350 that needs to be paid how does a man show love? Use a credit card to pay it?  Does a man love you when he does anything he can to have sex with you?  Does a man love you when he spends enough money on you?
    How is love expressed by an ordinary man anyhow?
    For many human beings, being acknowledged and exchanging something with another affirms their belief that they do indeed exist, that they are not alone and that they can have an effect somehow.  But is this exchange love?  Can love just be like the air – invisible but always there? Does a man have to keep on blowing smoke into the air to show that indeed the air is there? Does the sun have to say in words “I love you,” for you to feel it loving you?
    Another question to ask “Is he just a loving person?” If he is, then how can you ask him to just love you alone? It’s like asking the wind to stay home and sit down with you to talk?
    Love is flowing and is shared in moments – like a genuine smile or a deep true laugh. The key is to acknowledge it when it appears – and savor and cherish it and then let it keep on flowing through you – letting it go.
    That’s when a man truly loves. He just loves.

  24. 54
    ariel/fib

    I can truly say love is great love hurts sometimes u feel both i am 22 and with 3 kids 2 kids i am with the man of my dreams been thro hell and back we r not married but been there thro sick or in health better or for worse and so on one thing i know is when u love eachother your never alone and nothing else should get in the way and be happy with u then u can have a life long love also u have to know what healthy love is and what sick love is and very important is to be independent and life goes on we live and learn !!!! to all my love bird rock on!!!

  25. 55
    Ruby

    Saras Chandra #55

    Why do you have to make your decision TODAY after only two months? Also, the older you get, the less age differences matter, so no, I don’t think this should be a concern. If you’ve been friends for 25 years, he’s probably not that much younger anyway. How nice for you two to have connected romantically after so much time.
    Take some more time if you need to, and give it a chance!  

  26. 56
    Ruby

    Oops, wrong page!

  27. 57
    Helen

    Normally on New Years’ Eve I avoid men, because that’s when all the ugliest, oldest slimeballs try it on with younger women, so I was out with friends to see in the new year. But this lovely guy came over and started chatting to me and my friend, and I thought he was dead sweet. We all moved on to a nightclub and he went off with his friend, but when we got to the club I instinctively found myself looking for him, and when he reappeared, we spent all night with each other, flirting and chatting, eventually when the midnight bells chimed, we kissed, and it was the most amazing night of my life!! He took my number and apparently tried to text me, but had got one of the digits slightly wrong, so I didn’t get the message, but we’d been tagged in Facebook photos by our friends, so I messaged him on there, and we have done ever since. He told me he’s glad I did, and recently I took him to the pub where we met, and he couldn’t stop grinning!! He lives in a different city to me, so we’re a bit of a BT couple! We see each other every 2 weeks roughly, but skype as much as possible and message each other daily. He isn’t in love with me yet, or so he says, but things are going well, and I’ve already fallen for him, so I’m just trusting that he cares more than he’s admitting at this stage. It’s been 4 months in real terms, but the long distance makes it a slower thing to develop. We keep finding things we have in common, and when we’re together, it just feels right :-)
    I’m terrible for being open and honest about my feelings, comes from being an artist! But some good advice here I reckon, I’ve had a good feeling about my boyfriend from the night we met, just need to play it cool :-)

  28. 58
    Kate Candy

    Having a man call you every day, text and buy you gifts is great, but to tell if someone is in love with you, the kind of love that is sustaining, it’s a good idea to ask yourself: “Are we building something together?”  A sustainable relationship is about growth and to grow is to be able to communicate.  So, it’s not just the attention that’s important, because, frankly, a lot of weirdos can call, text, and buy gifts, but it’s not love it’s obsession.  What you need is to cook together, or plan events together, or throw parties for friends together and if the guy is willing to come on board or to include you with his plans, his bike rides, his pub crawls, then the relationship has a chance.

  29. 59
    TiA

    maybe im wrong, but men are not that complicated when you think about it. i think if he’s in love, he’ll behave accordingly. He will want to see her, be near her, he will be interested in engaging her in the relationship. a month is definitely too  early to be talkinga bout where things are going IMO.

  30. 60
    Jane

    So the guy i’m seeing said “i love you” i just stared at him, trying not to make a jerk reaction, then he backtracked and said “i like you”, later on we were cuddling, and he whispered “whatever you do, don’t fall”….i felt like someone punched me in the gut…then when i confronted him saying why he would say something so mean and hurtful, he backtracked again….say what to the whaaaat?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>