How To Tell If A Guy’s Falling In Love With You

Hey Evan,

I met a really nice guy. We are going out for a month now. And as all women do, I’m falling in love. But how do I know if he is feeling the same way about me without having to ask him directly?

Antonella from Holland

Dear Antonella,

I wrote about this in a chapter of Why You’re Still Single called:”Diminishing Returns.”

In it, a woman wonders why a man would invest time, energy and money in somebody he might not even care about.

(There was originally a great joke about oral sex here that was later removed by editors, but the point remains the same.)

A guy can want to fall in love, tell you you’re beautiful, treat you like a queen, and ravish you in the bedroom, and it still doesn’t give any indication that he’s actually interested.

So how will you know that he’s interested in you?

He’ll call you as soon as possible to make plans to see you again. That’s it.

Any other excuse, as pointed out ad nauseum in He’s Just Not That Into You, is meaningless.

You’re not wrong, Antonella, for wanting to find some clarity in your relationship. It’s normal that, over the course of a month, your feelings would start to deepen and develop. But one month is still a short period of time and unless you’re quite positive that he’s on the same love track as you are, I would lean back and play it cool.

You shouldn’t have to ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you.

Instead of forcing him to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation before he’s figured out his feelings, why don’t you just wait to see him reveal his feelings? Believe me, if he’s calling you every day and wants to see you four nights a week, you can be pretty sure that he’s serious about you. On the other hand, if you see him once a week and he only communicates with you by text message, I wouldn’t get too excited about him.

And when you reach the point where you simply can’t live without the knowledge that you’re in a committed relationship, most likely, in a month or two, that’s when it’s time to have a real conversation with him.

But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to have ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you. And if he’s not making an effort, you don’t have to look very far for your answer.

Update: This is such a popular topic, I created a special video that dives into this topic further! Click here to learn how to tell if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Jane

    like as in ….falling? :S :( or :) ?

  2. 62
    Vicki

    @fox – Your guy friend sounds really flaky, maybe bipolar. For sure his words and actions are incongruent. Congruency is what you want. Hold out for a guy whose words *and* actions say he wants to be with you.

    A tip I read in a dating book, I forget which one, is if you want to attract a Quality Man, in your profile make sure you include pictures of yourself with family and friends, and mention how you admire a man who is surrounded by a large and loving family, and that seeing his interactions with beloved family members makes you feel more romantic towards him (or something like that – rephrase it in more suitable language!).

    Photos of solitary women tend to attract players, whereas photos of women surrounded by lots of friends and family tend to repel them. Also, a guy looking for a booty call isn’t going to introduce you to his family to get you in to bed. He will move on to other “prey” and the guys that *do* contact you will have more serious intentions.

    Having said that, beware a guy who springs his friends or family on you on the first or second date. It *might* mean he wants to move into serious commitment too quickly. Military guys are the worst about rushing into relationships (in my experience), and to top it off they are often too mentally and emotionally unstable for a healthy relationship, so go slow, whatever else you do.

    If you want more than a booty call, but less than marriage or living together, you have your work cut out for you! Pretty much, in man-world, there is no grey area.

  3. 63
    anon

    The male write of this article is correct. Women who say otherwise hase not had real love. I have been marired more than once. They got abusive but in the courting phase, yes a guy will court you, still to this day if he loves you and when he begins,he will also try to convince you he is good for you in actions. They will try to see you more and more even if work schedules or school makes it hard. My first husband and me lived nearlk 20 miles apart and i moved to another county. i was in high school still he was in college. His car broek down but he riode a motocyle in winter to see me.  Borrowed ppls car to meet me for lunch at school. Come sat. the onl day we had off, we both worked he came early on sat and we spent all day with each other. we even worked in the same corp. later. THe next guy he got on  plane to see me in 2 weeks and he was in Canada. We talked for hours before that.  The guy i am seeing now  we have been stopping and seeing each other. He called m e after a long abscence and poured his heart out. we are both in bad divorces. i told him to see others. this one is a keeper. but he and he made time and effort. more than i knew to talk to me. a friend of his just told me what he did to first get to know me. to work it around my schedule.  actions do speaker louder than words.  aloof men are men who do not care.

  4. 64
    Londongirl

    Hi everyone – great reading these blogs :) Evan is, as usual, spot on. If a man likes you and wants to see you, he’ll do something about it. I’m 3 dates in with someone who texts, calls and follows up. He’s interested in my life, what makes me tick and how I’m feeling. We’ve only kissed once – infact he hasn’t made any moves on me at all. I struggled with this inititally as I’m so used to men saying ‘all the right things’ and making a move on me fairly quickly. But, and as Evan has said time and time again, these are the men who disappear. I’m going to have some patience with my current date and see where it goes….he’s lovely, respectful and makes me laugh. There’s been no big bangs, no fireworks, but he’s doing everything right so far. I can’t tell you how much Evan has taught me in the dating game…things are starting to make sense, and best of all I’m starting to make the right choices! Fingers crossed :)

  5. 65
    Lisa

    so you move in with him, then of course his actions are less ‘obvious’ because you’re living together.  I don’t know… how can you tell if he truly loves you?  I don’t particularly want to get married, but it seems society needs you to be married in order to ‘prove’ your relationship, or that he loves you

  6. 66
    Joy

    The way a woman can tell if a man loves her. Is if he can show he loves her without actually using the words I love you.
    About three months I was getting to know this man. Only a month afterwards he told me not to marry who I was going to marry. At that time my fiance was not treating me right. The man told me that we both no that my fiance wasn’t going to change. He asked me to marry him and told me that he wouldn’t ever hit me, talk down to me or treat me poorly.
    Soon afterwards,
    He said I hope you have a great future with your fiance.
    That night I wondered why he said it at first I thought he was nervous about what he said. But then a strange thought made me think that he didn’t want my heart to be broken because of his culture.
    That’s when I knew he was in love with me.
    Later on asked him about what he said and he told me that we can love each other but that his culture would forbid our marriage.
    After he said that he said if anything ever changes that he would marry me in a heart beat.
    I love him so much and we both hope we can be together someday
    because it is our strongest desire.
     
     

  7. 67
    Starling90

    I been long distant with this guy for almost 2 years he’s messed up a lot so have I but were just talking nothing official he moves here in 4 months were about to buy a condo together he’s really shapin up he calls everyday fall asleep on the phone like teenagers he tells me he loves me and hes ready to start a life with me .. I forgive everything that’s happened it’s long distance I figured but jus for him to be honest about it shows a lot now we can be officially together :) men can change I’ve met his family they love me knew exactly who I was the first time,. Love takes time after 2 years of being so patient n understanding while he’s away at college I finally get what I want … Him <3

  8. 69
    Kendall

    I met a man online we spoke for several months on the phone before we met. He called every morning and text about five times eveyday. He’s a truck driver and how he makes all this money. The text and phone calls to my job five times a day became kind of annoying trying to do my job. When we met it was great but after three weeks he was talking marriage and moving in with me. I got scared and told him to slow down. My girlfriend saw he was back on Match. I found out he met a married woman online. They are moving in together. All this time he was still calling me morning honey, and text I Miss You! babe blah..blahh until I confronted him. She’s divorcing he husband for this guy thats flat broke. 

  9. 70
    Tina

    He buys you what you want, if you want a house he’ll buy it for you. If you want a car he’ll buy it for you. You’ll know it by what he’s willing to do for you.

  10. 71
    bella italiano

    I have loved a guy for over 4 years now who just happens to be one of my friends..I have never told him this, and he has never mentioned anything to me about taking our friendship to the next level…he is very career-oriented, and I don’t want to do anything to disrupt his career or upset him if he doesn’t feel the same way…It’s hard, because I have so much to tell him, but then when we are talking, I go completely blank and so does he…What i really think is both of us are just to say anything  about it at all….maybe waiting another 4 years it will be more secured cause i keep finding myself wishing that i would marry him one day…such wishful thinking i know, but i blame shyness for every bit of this.. :p

  11. 72
    Mandy

    I cant believe I had to read “if he only sees you once a week and only text you, he’s not into you” My boyfriend and I were great at first, but then it was one thing after the other and now i see him once a week if im lucky. So Im playing the game becasue I dont want to lose him, how sad. Guess we’ll see how it goes, thank you for the artical!

  12. 73
    Jessi

    I met a guy a few weeks back and we finally got to hang out for the first time yesterday.  We went galactic bowling (i cant bowl lol) and had a few drinks by the pool.  We talked, laughed, told eachothers stories :) If i sat down he was right there next to me, smiling, with his arm around the back of my chair.  On our way to take me home, he placed his hand on my upper leg… Does he like me??? or am i getting pulled into sex??? 

  13. 74
    Jessica

    ok i am 17 years old and im not quit sure if i know exactly what love is. but i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 4 months.. we were both virgins before we had sex with eachother. i do not think that if a boy calls you everyday that is proof that he does or doesnt love you. my boyfriend and i talk on the phone like every other day. he has prooved to me that he loves me. and im sure half of you will read this and say i dont know what love is, and half of you may or may not be right. But i do know that i have never been happier in my life since i met my boyfriend. and i do know that i couldnt live without him in my life because not only is he my boyfriend but he is my best friend. but i think that it takes two people to comitt to a relationship not just the guy. guys have a messed up way of showing that they care sometimes and they also have there on way of finding out if you really care for them. but i hope that everything goes well with everybody and i believe that the best way to tell if a boy really loves them is to trust them the most. 

  14. 75
    The kid

    Tell him your pregnant and if he loves you he will stay and if he is just their to have sex and whatever you think he is there for he will leave, truthfully of a guy spends for then a week dating you he is probobly interested in you unless he is a mega ass hole but you can usually tell of he is right away

  15. 76
    Ashleigh

    I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.
    When we met we were both vergins, we didn’t have sex until after our 6 months. He had never had a girlfriend before me or done anything.
    At our one month mark he told me he loved me.
    I didn’t say it back and I explained that I wasn’t ready to say it as I didn’t understand what love was. Once our 5 and half month hit I told him I loved him.
    When I showed up at his house unexpected one day his friends kissed him. He pulled away and walked off.
    Ever since that moment I realized he really does love me.
    He starts at 530 am and finishes at 5 pm everyday.
    And early or not I’m always on the other end of the phone.

  16. 77
    To Heather

    I hope “heather” comes back and reads these.
    You are a player’s wet dream.  It is SOOOO easy to text someone and say “oh baby I’m thinking of you” bla bla. haha.    

    What Evan said is actually right.  A guy who loves you will show it through ACTION not some easy bullshit like texting.  Setting aside time for you is what a man who truly wants you will do.  And even when he’s with you the little things he does tells you how much he cares for you.
    Wanting to see you or text you daily is hardly a sign of immaturity, it’s about his dedication, devotion, and commitment to you. 

    In the beginning, yes to each their own, some people are thrilled from “new love” so want to see each other all the time; others are careful and keep it cool for the first while.  But really after some time contact should be pretty often.

    Beware Heather, I hope you have found a truly honest guy.  Otherwise, you’re just another sucker who feeds off of bs hope.

  17. 78
    Colleen

    I just got out of a 6 month relationship a month ago. I had no questions about his feelings for me until around the holidays, when he started acting weird. We were in a committed relationship at three months, talked everyday, saw each other 3 times a week. I didn’t sleep with him until the three month mark. Things seemed great. But then I told him I loved him a little after five months. He said it was too soon for him. And that’s when he got distant. I asked him what was up and where I stood with him a couple of weeks later. he told me the following: I don’t love you, don’t know if I will, I don’t see a future with you, I like my space. Then he said, you can take a couple of days and think it over and let me know what you want to do, or we can go out tomorrow, have fun, and see if anything develops for me over time.
    I broke up with him then. It didn’t take me a couple of days. It shocked me a lot. And I felt crushed. But it was the greatest gift he could have given me. His honesty and true intentions. So I could move on a find what I really want and deserve. Oh yes, even though he didn’t see a future with me, we had made plans 5 months in advance to go on a trip this March. Hmmm, misleading right? I lost money on that trip. Se la vie.

  18. 79
    pixie

    If you are having difficulty coping with your partner’s past relationships try reading I HATE HIS EX by Alex Cooper. I had loads of issues with my fiance’s ex and I have now resolved them thanks to the advice in this book! You can get it on Amazon! Definitely worth a read! :) 

  19. 80
    T

    I agree with Buff…in life a woman shouldnt express her feelings first, a man might love u but once u show them u feel the same they’ll take yo love for granted…the best is to remain loyal to him but dont bug him with lovey dovey stuff, always pretend u can survive without him, it works.

  20. 81
    knoxville

    how do you know when guys falling for you: it has to be in your eyes and then go straight to your heart

    he sticks around
    always make you smile
    try to be in every moves you make
    wants to know everything about you
    lessen your burden in their own ways
     

  21. 82
    LydiaMorgan

    Good information. I have been divorced for 3 years. And it sure is different from dating in your 20’s.  I have learned not to hang on every guys words. It is his actions. Guys have short attention spans and are not aware how they affect a women’s emotions. Just my opinion and I know there are some exceptions. I have made so many mistakes. From talking to much about my ex or having sex to soon. I think waiting 3 months to see if he is a “potential” guy. Keep it light and listen, a guy will tell you who he is and you can see it by his actions. You have to be willing to accept and stop having unrealistic optimism.

  22. 83
    kimharris

    i have had a man ask me for money in the beginning of our relationship….right then that set off red flags……

  23. 84
    Luisa

    I think time has nothing to do or calls or text messages…I had this bad experience with a boyfriend, we were together for 7 years and before that we hung out 2 years, which means we never had sex in the 2 years….so once I decided to be with him and we became partners, that was the worse thing could ever happen to me!! so, I waited all these 2 years to be with him then started having sex, meeting our families, calling each other everyday, saying “i love you” pffff….now I’m 33, met a 32 years old guy, that I really like but I don’t know yet how to take it, I try to go slow but emotions are stronger…in the end I can only think: If there’s someone for you he will always be for you, no matter what…if I have a bad breath one day or if I feel sad or happy if i just want to talk or just feel like teasing and be crazy…if he likes all these things or not, I am so tired of thinking about this and is not an easy situation because had 3 more bad experiences…all I ask is for a nice guy who can love me or accept me for who I am, just try to be myself and try to control but sometimes don’t want to think too much and just let it flow…I really hope this guy is good for me because my heart is really sad….we’ve been dating for a few weeks and still with the nerve if he’s going to text or not…but who knows we’ll see how it goes.

  24. 85
    Geretta

    Hello everyone. I have a response to how to tell a guy is not in love with you from dealing with my own disfunctional realationship.
    1) You have to make it known that you want to be a priority in his life. (To explain this when me and my bf moved in together he was unemployed at the time; he always made time for his hobbies which were hanging with the guys, pool, and fishing. whether then spending time with his family me and my daughter. I had to make it known that QT meant something to me and I feel hes more interested in others then me.
    2) whenever he’s leaving hes sure to let you know that hes leaving and he will see you later along with a peck on the cheek. Or if he gets up early to go run an errand he leaves you with a note or something or a txt on your phone later on letting you know that he didnt want to wake you an what time he will be back.(To explain, to this day I never know that my bf is gone early in the a.m. until I hear the door close or I wake up and hes not there. When he leaves its never ill see you later or I love unless I say something which I feel shouldnt be that way).
    3) Its like you have to ask for affection and tell him you love him instead of it being him. (explanation: On a daily basis its like I express my love with little things around the house as cooking and making sure when hes off work he has a meal ready and I never hear I love you or dont get a short kiss out of the blue which I do all the time.
    4) He has a hissy fit when he goes without sex for so long but he tells you hes not in the realtionship for sex. (explain: If my time of the month has came around I dont want to have sex and he doesnt because it grosses us both out to have sex at that time. After that time I have lost interest for sex and not really expecting it so he becomes a female and starts complaining. I know that guys really cant function without sex but I feel that its not in his interest to get to be so irrational an start making ugly comments about it if its not happening and saying things like they can get it if they wanted it, meaning they can get it from someone else.
    (This is just my input and im only 20 yrs old while hes 35 yrs old so theirs a big gap and I feel I am going through so much to be at this age but I am feel I am learning alot from it and hope to soon end this realationship).

  25. 86
    kim

    dammit. lol. o well.

  26. 87
    Katarina Phang

    Geretta, I’m not sure I understand you on point 4.  Are you saying that just because he’s not in relationship for sex, he shouldn’t want/expect sex from you?  How can a relationship work when one person always denies the other intimacy/sex?

  27. 88
    Harry Potter

    Hey, all the girls out there, don’t judge your guy by how often he contacts you, but when he does, pay close attention to how he treats you. I just hope my guy likes me. Because I’ve known him for 7 years since I was in Year 1. And we know each other’s parents as well. In Year 6 I was teased about liking him and so it got really awkward between us. Now, I’m hopelessly in love with him. I left it too late. I didn’t tell him how I felt in Year 6. Now he’s not in my school. Whether I’ll ever see him again or not is a big question. Don’t make my mistake. :(

    P.S. Guys and girls, just admit it, everyone needs a little physical loving. Nothing wrong with that. But you should be able to judge whether your guy is a pedo or not.

  28. 89
    N. Ratched

    If you treat a man like a celebrity he’ll treat you like a fan.

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