How To Tell If A Guy’s Falling In Love With You

Hey Evan,

I met a really nice guy. We are going out for a month now. And as all women do, I’m falling in love. But how do I know if he is feeling the same way about me without having to ask him directly?

Antonella from Holland

Dear Antonella,

I wrote about this in a chapter of Why You’re Still Single called:”Diminishing Returns.”

In it, a woman wonders why a man would invest time, energy and money in somebody he might not even care about.

(There was originally a great joke about oral sex here that was later removed by editors, but the point remains the same.)

A guy can want to fall in love, tell you you’re beautiful, treat you like a queen, and ravish you in the bedroom, and it still doesn’t give any indication that he’s actually interested.

So how will you know that he’s interested in you?

He’ll call you as soon as possible to make plans to see you again. That’s it.

Any other excuse, as pointed out ad nauseum in He’s Just Not That Into You, is meaningless.

You’re not wrong, Antonella, for wanting to find some clarity in your relationship. It’s normal that, over the course of a month, your feelings would start to deepen and develop. But one month is still a short period of time and unless you’re quite positive that he’s on the same love track as you are, I would lean back and play it cool.

You shouldn’t have to ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you.

Instead of forcing him to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation before he’s figured out his feelings, why don’t you just wait to see him reveal his feelings? Believe me, if he’s calling you every day and wants to see you four nights a week, you can be pretty sure that he’s serious about you. On the other hand, if you see him once a week and he only communicates with you by text message, I wouldn’t get too excited about him.

And when you reach the point where you simply can’t live without the knowledge that you’re in a committed relationship, most likely, in a month or two, that’s when it’s time to have a real conversation with him.

But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to have ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you. And if he’s not making an effort, you don’t have to look very far for your answer.

Update: This is such a popular topic, I created a special video that dives into this topic further! Click here to learn how to tell if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

Your friend,


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  1. 91

    My last boyfriend and I were together 4 months, showed every sign of being in love with me, I knew I was in love with him. We spent every day together, had great chemistry, I just thought he was afraid to say it. Then he just decided to moved to another country. I then asked him if he loved me and he said no. He said he didn’t want to develop any feelings like that because he didn’t know if he would be living here for long. I’m sorry, but men can make it seem like its all rainbows and sunshine, but until you actually use the words and talk about where things are heading, it’s just a dangerous blind game destined to break your heart. Men make it very difficult to trust when they are just so nonchalant these days.

  2. 92

    The key to understanding anybody’s intentions — male or female — is by observing how consistent that person’s actions are to his/her words.

    I dated a guy for two months. We met initially once a week and then eventually twice a week. He told me that he was shy and introverted, so he didn’t like to talk on the phone. He also expressed that he is a bad planner. This reflected in his actions — we hardly spoke on the phone and our meetings were nearly always initiated by me. After the 1st month of this, I told him that I needed him to plan ahead with me on occasion. I also was clear that I would want to eventually consider moving to exclusivity after 2 months. He said he understood, but never followed through on planning. Every time we met, he told me sweet things like he adored me, he was falling for me, he felt we were getting closer, etc. But he didn’t seem consistent with his actions. So, I asked him after two months about being exclusive, and he admitted he didn’t think we were right for each other. Remember: if I hadn’t brought it up, he would have been happy to continue dating like we had been because it requires nearly NO effort.
    So, NEVER let your desire to believe what sweet things you are being told outweigh what you’re actually getting. And, until you’re exclusive, date others. I had been doing that the whole time, and, after two days of feeling sad about this not working out, did not feel like a chump for wasting time. I’m back into investing my now free time to someone else who will be consistent and sending reliable indicators that he is willing to put in effort for me. We all deserve that.

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