What Should I Say to Men Who Ask Me Out While on a First Date?

I’m back into dating after a 20+ year marriage, having read and implemented your valuable advice in Finding the One Online.” Even though I’m in my mid-50s, grossly over-educated, and live in a small town, I find I have plenty of potentially-compatible men who are expressing interest in me. So, thank you, Evan, for that! 

My question is about how to say: “you’re great, but not for me” face-to-face at the end of a first date. (I expect this is something many women struggle with.) I’ve have ‘scripts’ for most situations where I want to say “no, thank you” in writing. This makes it easy and relatively painless to be clear, polite and compassionate. And if a real-life connection develops with someone who, over time, I decide isn’t right for me, I know how to handle that in person.

But what about when I’ve been following your advice about how to have a great first date – relaxed, engaged, smiling, being open to finding the best in a man, appreciating his “putting on a show,” as you put it (and I feel I do this well, and enjoy doing it) – and at some point in the evening he asks to see me again, but by this time I know he’s not for me?

He understandably feels I’ve been having a good time, and I usually have been. Then, feeling like a deer in the headlights, I fumblingly say something that makes the situation more uncomfortable than it probably needs to be. Or, worse, I end up giving the impression I may go out with him again, because he’s caught me unprepared. If he’d waited until the next day to contact me, I’d have known exactly what to write. But what’s a friendly (though unambiguous) way for me to make the transition from “making it the best first date I can” to saying “I don’t see us as a couple,” in that sudden moment face-to-face?

Thanks,
Margo

As you may know, I have a problem with the truth: I always tell it.

You know who also always tells the truth?

My five-year-old son, who pulls up my shirt, points and laughs, “Daddy’s Big Belly!”

So yeah, the truth, while honest, can rightfully be viewed as tactless or blunt.

Your question, Margo, is essentially about tact. Specifically, how you can be tactful to a man who put you in an uncomfortable position.

My answer is 180 degrees from the one I gave to the woman who put her boyfriend in the uncomfortable position of telling her she’s hotter than Angelina Jolie.

Lie, Margo, lie!

As you may know, I have a problem with the truth: I always tell it.

As a passionate advocate of honesty and direct communication, this may seem dissonant, but the truth is, it’s not about “right” or “wrong,” but “effective” or “ineffective.”

I once had a woman tell me at the end of our date that she wasn’t attracted to me.

She might as well have kicked me in the nuts.

That’s how crushed I was to receive that information in that fashion on the date.

I understand; she was doing what she felt she had to do to avoid sending mixed messages.

The problem was that I was scarred for a few weeks afterwards.

So, perhaps the best way to approach this – like most dating advice – is to flip it around.

A guy goes out with you and is not attracted to you.

Is there any value of him telling you he’s not attracted to you while you’re together?

No, there is not.

The best way to end a date with a person you’re not attracted to is with a little white lie.

The best way to end a date with a person you’re not attracted to is with a little white lie.

You hug goodbye, you say you had a great time, and you say you’ll talk soon.

You don’t mean it, but it’s a polite way to end the night.

But wait, doesn’t that give the impression you may go out with him again?

Yes, it does.

But it sure beats the alternative: emotionally kicking him in the nuts with your truth.

He gets to leave the night with hope and dignity.

You get to leave the night unscathed.

The next morning, you can send a short, honest email that explains what you didn’t say in person:

“Thanks so much for dinner last night. I had a really nice time getting to know you and very much enjoyed your company. I just didn’t feel there was enough of a spark to continue a romantic relationship. But you seem like a great catch and I’m sure you’re going to make someone very happy one day. All the best in your search…”

That’ll usually do the trick.

But if a guy is pushier on the first date, and won’t take “I had a great time, let me check my schedule when I get home” for an answer, you have no choice but to lower the hammer.

“Sorry, I’m just not feeling it,” will give him the not-so-subtle hint that this is your last date.

I know it sounds weird to advocate for lying, but, in general, being polite (while remaining true to yourself) is a good impulse to have when you have someone’s heart in your hands.

If you disagree with me – if you think that honesty is ALWAYS the best policy – please understand, I’ve coached a lot of women who want men to be honest with them:

Just tell me you’re not attracted to me!

Just tell me you want to sleep with me but not commit!

Women claim to want this level of directness, but I have never heard an actual instance of such a conversation going well. Which explains why men usually don’t say such things.

Instead, they say, “I’ll call you,” and then don’t call, which, to me, seems like the kinder path than telling you the truth on the date.

Take it from a guy who has had “Good luck” said to him after more than one date.

I would have liked the illusion of going home with hope instead of having it crushed in front of my face.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    ScottH

    I’ve been on the receiving end of this (and also on the giving end once or twice).  I’d say the proper etiquette is the morning-after text.  We can usually tell from your enthusiasm (or lack thereof) and the way you say goodbye at the end of the first meeting whether there’ll be another date.

    But I would ask two things:  1) be decisive.  if you aren’t interested, make that clear in your text.  its not nice to leave someone hanging.  I once got the text telling me that she was busy and would contact me when things settled down.  Of course she didn’t contact me and I should have known but the old-brain might keep the door open just a bit hoping that she might walk through.  Go for the clean break.  If someone wants to see you again, it’s usually pretty clear.

    2) (I know I’m going to get a lot of blow-back on this) Offer to split the bill if it’s any substantial amount (if it’s more than a coffee or drink date).  It’s just insult on top of injury for a guy to pay when she doesn’t want to see him again.  Offering might give the guy a hint too.  I’m really sick of paying anything for women who just want to see what’s out there.  Hell, just the waste of time and hope pisses me off but I sure as hell shouldn’t have to pay for a stranger’s entertainment when I won’t see them again.  And don’t use the chivalry argument.  That’s total bullshit.

    1. 1.1
      Nissa

      ScottH,

      I agree that one of the best ways for a woman to show she’s not interested in a man is to offer to split the check. That’s why I really think all first dates should be very low cost or free. That way no one is footing the bill for dates where there is no chemistry. And I agree that it’s rude to leave someone hanging, and it’s rude to say things you don’t mean (such as, I’ll call you).

      1. 1.1.1
        Lisa

        I have never been on a first date where I did not offer to split the check, and while I am engaged now, I probably went on at least 100 online dates in my life.   Offering to pay has nothing to do with whether or not I am interested. It may for some women, but not for me. I jsut think it’s the right thing to do.   I will say that I had one man turn me down, and when the date ended I was open to a second date.  But then he became very aggressive. He wanted me to come to his house on the second date,  and was talking about marriage.  He would text everyday and I got creeped out.   I told him very clearly I did not think we were a match, and he asked me to mail him a check for my half of the dinner as he had calculated it out (he had a steak and two glasses of wine and I had a chicken salad) but apparently I owed half. I blocked him immediately. I think Evan’s advice is best only because I have found that if you reject most men in person it does not go well at all.  They get angry or pushy.

        1. Marika

          Exactly right, Lisa. I always offer to pay too and I never order anything expensive (just in case they insist on paying). That’s no indication of lack of interest, it’s an indication that your date doesn’t see you as a walking ATM. I think it’s really bad advice to use or interpret an offer to help out with the bill as a lack of interest.

          I also agree that saying “I’m not interested” face to face after one date is a bad idea. You have no idea how this person will react. At worst they could become angry and at best it’s pretty awkward. But I disagree with “I’ll call you”, if you have no intention of ever doing so. Something more vague is better, IMO, then the polite follow up ‘you’re great, but..’ text the next day or once you hear from them again. I tend to actually believe what people say, so if I hear “I’ll call you”, I assume they will. If feels like game playing if there was never any intention of doing so.

  2. 2
    S.

    Sometimes a man will try to schedule the next date with me while on the first date.  Usually, I want to see them again and this is fine.  The one time it wasn’t, I just said I was busy that week and he got the message. He was very sweet but I really didn’t like his looks.  He just looked like someone who didn’t take care of himself or love himself much.  And that was weird because he was a nurse.  So I knew he knew about care, but didn’t really put that on himself. He also lived far and I didn’t want him going through the mental machinations of how to see me when I knew I wasn’t feeling it.  It was only a bit awkward.

    One guy years ago when I was new to online dating, we talked on the phone for three weeks before meeting. He said he was waiting until his next paycheck for the date.  When we got on the date, I could tell he wasn’t really feeling it.  It was more of a friend vibe and he did ask me pay for my entree which was weird because he had said he had waited so he could pay for us both.  I paid. I don’t mind paying at all, it just didn’t jive with what he had been saying for weeks.  He then oddly took me watch shopping with him (we were in a mall) and then bought a two hundred dollar watch.  He really asked me questions about his watch options and treated me as he would a friend.

    Since we had sort of become friends I wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t attracted to me. He’s the guy I’ve mentioned who liked bigger women.  I had become attracted to him, even though in person his looks were not what I expected.  His eyes were really, really small.  In photos, (he only had three) I had just thought he was sleepy.  Nope. That’s just how his eyes were.  But I was still attracted to him. When I asked him on the phone a few days later what he thought of the date was honest.  He told me that I was smaller than he was used to and I wore too much make up.  (It was exactly the amount of make up I had on in my primary photo, but it looks like more in person.)  He was very direct. I was taken aback because I had dressed so carefully for the date.  But again, we had had more of a friend vibe.  He asked if we could be friends and I said no.  With men I meet on dating sites, it’s we date or nothing.  That’s how it is.  He even e-mailed a few times afterward but I didn’t respond.

    Him telling me why he wasn’t attracted to me wasn’t a kick to the nuts. It was more direct than I was used to, but I had asked.  I appreciated it because after hearing his thoughts I knew there was nowhere to go with that romantically. I’m never going to be a big person.  If that’s what he likes, I’m not it.  So when the attraction lingered for a few weeks afterward, I would remember what he said and how specific he’d been and that helped lower that attraction.  Also, he was a person who would probably always be that direct and while that’s fine in a friend, in a romantic partner, I’d hope someone would have a bit more tact.  I knew he wasn’t ever going to be that person for me.

    I also liked that he shared his true thoughts because that there is closure with a capital C, and that’s rare in the type of dating we do today.  With those words, I could close to door on him quite firmly and not look back.

    1. 2.1
      Michelle

      I think you dodged a bullet with this guy. He sounds like a selfish, cheap douche.

      1. 2.1.1
        S.

        LOL!  Thanks for making me laugh.  🙂 Someone has my back!

        The men I date are pretty working class.  I think he worked with parking meters or something.  I was very new to online dating.  I think we both just liked the attention and just talking to one another.   I liked him calling me in the middle of the day and saying, “I called cause you was on my mind.” That was nice.  Not every man I actually dated would call me in the middle of the day just because they were thinking of me.

        He wanted a friend and there isn’t anything wrong with that.  You don’t pay for dinner for a friend.  You hang out in the mall with a friend.  Just not what I wanted.  I appreciated his honesty.

        He really did try to be friends, I think he even tried to set me up with a friend of his.  I ignored all of those e-mails but he was a nice person.   A lot of men just don’t know much about women.  A lot of men I meet.

  3. 3
    MilkyMae

    I hate the dreaded “Take care” at the end of a date but at least I know I’m dating for real and not going through the motions.  If it doesn’t hurt, you are probably more ineffectual than you think.  Cold, sterile dating is a complete waste of time for everyone.

  4. 4
    Kenley

    I don’t think honesty is the best policy 100% of the time.  However, in the early stages of dating, it is has been the best policy for me….

    1.  I actually like to be told the truth because I CAN handle it.  Men who just want sex actually do tell me that and I appreciate it the honesty and tell them so.

    2.  If a guy doesn’t want to go on a second date with me, I am cool with that.  I prefer that we just shake hands or hug  and go our separate ways.  I HATE when a guy says he wants to go on a second date but doesn’t call….that does not make me feel better.

    3.  When guys have asked on date number 1 if I want to go on date 2 and I don’t, I tell them the truth.  I always do it with kindness and care, and not one guy that I have done this to has seemed devastated or broken — at most they are a little disappointed.  Disappointment is par for the course in dating.  One has got to be able to handle it.

    I am curious as to why you recommend the white lie to keep from hurting a stranger, but not to keep from hurting your partner’s feelings.   Do I think that one should tell white lies to their partners about EVERYTHING?  Of course not.  But, when you know your partner, and you know what their thing is or where they are tender or vulnerable, where is the harm in telling a white lie if it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else? And telling that white lie makes them feel safer or more loved, why is that a bad thing?

    1. 4.1
      Adrian

      Hi Kenley,

      You said, “Why you recommend the white lie to keep from hurting a stranger, but not to keep from hurting your partner’s feelings.” 

      I have asked a variation of this question and the answer I got from the majority of the commenters (not Evan) is that with a stranger you will never see them again so they won’t affect your life, but with your partner the lie will have lasting effects on you BOTH.

      Telling a stranger that sucks that he is awesome will be bad for the next person to date him but it won’t hurt you. However, telling your partner that they are awesome when they suck just means that they will not improve and therefore you will continue to be the recipient of their subpar whatever as long as you two are dating…

    2. 4.2
      Lisa

      I actually would prefer to be told as a female that he is just looking for sex.  I don’t think it is the females that prevent men from saying that, it’s the men. If they say they just want sex they know they have no chance in heck, so they pretend otherwise until they get sex. I do not think this is the same as protecting someone’s feelings.

      1. 4.2.1
        Kitty

        Lisa,

        One of the problems with “understanding the opposite sex” is that, surprisingly often, the more you learn about the opposite sex the less you respect them.  Realizing, after tons of research, that men are primarily looking for sex when they go on dates reduces my enthusiasm for going on dates.  The idea that every guy I happen to stand next to on an escalator at the mall or in the elevator at work is a sex-preoccupied obsessive is something I try not to think about.

        1. Lisa

          Did you read the study a few years back that said men think everything that a woman does is because she wants to sleep with them? Even her boss ummm no! But knowledge is power. Just because men are driven by sex does not mean that can’t love just that the process is different.  But in the world of dating it does present challenges.

  5. 5
    Elly Klein

    Heh heh. Great advice, Evan! My only suggestion for Margo is to wait to send that ‘thanks but no thanks’ text message until AFTER he contacts her again. I feel it might be a little presumptuous to send it in advance.

    1. 5.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @Elly

      Concur, there is no need to preempt a message that may never arrive.  Any man who is paying attention to body language will have his answer by the end of the date.  A woman’s body never lies.

  6. 6
    Stacy

    Never ever do this after a date.

    This is best done via text very.single.time.  Also, there is never any value in telling someone you don’t find him attractive.  Just simply say via text that you don’t think you’re compatible with him. If he asks (as has happened to me) if there is something he did, then simply say, ‘the chemistry wasn’t there for you’. If he insists even further, ignore him.

    Also, I never let men pay if I know I am not gonna see them again (unless he really insists which tends to always happen anyway).  But even if that were so, I tend to order really light or just a drink if the attraction isn’t there.

    1. 6.1
      S.

      I try to get something really small too.  But men don’t seem to like that. I don’t know why. I’m getting something small so I can pay for it. (I don’t mind paying even if we both do like each other.)

      What I do mind is a man insisting on a restaurant I can’t eat in (too spicy, or if I’m not eating meat in a steakhouse) or insisting on an expensive restaurant when I wanted less expensive.  One guy I’m sure didn’t ask me out again mostly because I suggested a cheaper place near my neighborhood. (It was below freezing out, but I could walk home.)  It wasn’t the best place but it was homey.  He also seemed annoyed that I didn’t let him drive me home.

      I was really trying to be low maintenance.

    2. 6.2
      Adrian

      Hi Stacy,

      Our date stories and woes always seem to be so similar-I bet you would have been an Awesome wing-girl before you got with you current boyfriend (^_^).

      I say this because most dating stories (and let’s be honest) when you are not sounding like the victim you are some how mostly perceived as shallow, selfish, or too picky.

      I know that is why I gravitate to your advace on these matters so much. You come off as a fair, yet strong dater with boundaries and standards. I can read about you saying how guys are always hitting on you or how guys always wanted a second date with you but you rejected them (rarely the other way around) and think-yeah she is high quality and not she so into herself.

      Anyway I actually posted my comment/question to Evan before reading your comment so you kind of answered it. I also realized that this is not the first time you have described something similar to what I have gone through with my dates.

      Oh and I never told you but Thanks! I love what you say about attractive people. Besides me (in my meek way) you are the only one who says that just because a person is “very” attractive doesn’t mean they believe that they can go inside a packed room and just have anyone they want.

      Not to belittle any of the (mainly male) commenters but they are always going on and on about the top percent of men this and the hottest men that. And I can tell it’s because they are probably average looking themselves and therefore they have hot-guy fantasies. You are literally the only commenter besides myself who openly says that just because a person (man or woman) is considered very attractive (8-10 smv) by others that doesn’t mean that they can’t have low self-esteem or be unsure of themselves when it comes to dating.

      Sigh the men with hot-guy fantasies think that looks get you any woman and looks mean that women will tolerate your lack of other qualities. In their minds as long as you are a 9 in looks you can be living in your mom’s basement, not car, and broke at 35 but still pull in hot 25 year old models who is salivating to give you a blow job and then brag to her friends about you-blah.

      Though I am curious as to how much of your thinking on this matter is because of what you have witness with really attractive men and women in general and how much of it is just solely based on your ex-husband? Personally I have observed this lack of confidence in a lot of very attractive men and women; their bravado is usually a facade or they are overcompensating with their beauty with what they lack in other areas.

  7. 7
    Adrian

    OMG!!!   FINALLY!!!

    Thank you Margo-thanks Evan!

    To all the commenters NOW do you see what I have been talking about/asking all this time???

    It’s not as easy as everyone thinks to tell someone face-to-face that you are not attracted to them when asked about another date at the end of the first or when you see the excitement in their eyes at the end of the date when they are expecting a kiss… and the disappointment when you don’t give it to them.

    Another one I am usually hit with is call me when you get home (-_-). It is used under the pretext of making sure I got home safely but for me most times it’s used as way to extend our date/conversation after the date so I usually don’t have the luxury to wait until the next day to think of a good “you’re great, we’re just not great together” lie after the date.

    Again you answered this greatly Evan thank you. But I am curious what did you do back when you were dating and the women didn’t accept your “We’re just not a good fit but I wish you the best” email/text? I usually always get interrogated for specific reasons why when I give those type of answers… Should I just not answer and disappear after I give them the generic but kind answer you described?

    As much as my ego would like to think I’m just irresistible to women that barely know me (^_^)-the truth is that there is a thing going around now where a lot of women are being taught to ask men why didn’t they like the date or what they did wrong that causes him not to want to see them again… It’s some kind of self-improvement/correction coaching and I have been running into it a lot lately.

    …   …   …

    Taking looks out of the equation: I am still trying to understand how one person (usually me) can be having a boring, unfilled, or just a miserable time on date and yet the other person (usually the woman) can think we had a great date?

    1. 7.1
      Jeremy

      Adrian, “I am still trying to understand how one person (usually me) can have a boring or just a miserable time on a date and yet the other person (usually the woman) can think we had a great date?”  Answer – because of the Halo Effect.  When people view a particular person as attractive, all the things that person does are seen in a more positive light.  And vice-versa when the person is seen as unattractive.  And BTW, “attractive” doesn’t necessarily have to be physical.  You could be on a date with a woman who is visually a “Ten” but if something about her behavior turns you off, you are likely to see everything about her as a turnoff.  A disparity in attractiveness often leads to a disparity in how interesting the date was.

    2. 7.2
      S.

      It’s not as easy as everyone thinks to tell someone face-to-face that you are not attracted to them when asked about another date at the end of the first or when you see the excitement in their eyes at the end of the date when they are expecting a kiss… and the disappointment when you don’t give it to them.

      It’s not that hard, though. Usually, there wasn’t chemistry on the phone or actually in person.  It’s certainly easier on a first date to say or imply this, than if you let it linger.  What’s really hard? If you really did like them–until you had a date with them. I have a date where my attraction took a nosedive during the date.  Going from high to low in a few hours.  I only remember that happening once but it’s memorable.

      am still trying to understand how one person (usually me) can be having a boring, unfilled, or just a miserable time on date and yet the other person (usually the woman) can think we had a great date?

      Maybe they are just not sure and want to know for certain?  I was willing to ask a guy directly because I was pretty sure there was no physical chemistry but I really wanted to see it from his eyes.  As I wrote above his answers were really helpful to me.

      Years later? It doesn’t matter as much.  I’ve just learned whatever it is–they want a big woman, they want a woman who does X, etc.–it’s not me they want and that’s okay.  The details why matter less than that main point.

      1. 7.2.1
        Lisa

        It is hard. Women are socialized to be kind friendly and accommodating.  So to reject someone to their face is not innate.  Plus I have found that men you meet online are not good with rejection.  Often they argue with you about what a good match you are and how you should reconsider.  That just makes me more confident I made the right choice! Please don’t tell me how to feel.  I suppose it’s because online dating involves a lot of rejection for men so they get angry.

        1. S.

          The guys I meet and go on a date with are usually really nice.  If we end up dating for a few dates, they might get angry about something else, but not usually because there was no chemistry or I say we’re not a match.  I usually give it a chance too.  There may be chemistry but there may be other things I’m unsure of.  I’m willing to give it two dates.

          The angriest people are those whom I’ve never met.  They get angry that I won’t go on a first date with them.  And yep, I block away.  And it confirms, I’m glad as hell I never met that guy in person.

        2. Emily, the original

          Lisa,

          It is hard. Women are socialized to be kind friendly and accommodating.  So to reject someone to their face is not innate.

          Rejecting anyone is difficult, but what I resent is the guy who keeps contacting you even though you’ve made it abundantly clear you don’t want him to. If it’s someone you have to see or interact with at some point, you are forced to have a “come to Jesus” conversation/confrontation. And you think: Why am I being put in this position for someone I don’t even like?

           Plus I have found that men you meet online are not good with rejection.  Often they argue with you about what a good match you are and how you should reconsider. 

          That has happened several times to a friend of mine who is online dating. One was supposed to call her at an agreed-upon time about going to dinner that night. She left a party with friends early so she could be ready for the call. He didn’t contact her until the next day and then was mad when she said she didn’t want to get together.

    3. 7.3
      Marika

      I don’t know much about SMV, but the more I hear about it, I think confidence plays a very important role. A confident attractive person is a dating god, and a very confident but less attractive has a higher ‘smv’ than an insecure attractive person. The people who imply or directly say looks = confidence are way off. Just being good looking in and of itself doesn’t necessarily create a positive self concept, good boundaries or an ability to interact well with others.

      That being said, you aren’t dating to win a dating competition. You’re dating to find the right person for you. So no need to fake being who you are. Better boundaries would be a good idea though, to prevent hurting yourself (and others). You only owe a person you met once a quick, kind, ‘thanks but no thanks’ text. If they grill you further, block them and don’t worry about it any more.

      And as everyone keeps telling you, Adrian, stop all the second guessing of everything!! ☺

       

    4. 7.4
      Emily, the original

      Adrian,
      You only owe a person you met once a quick, kind, ‘thanks but no thanks’ text. If they grill you further, block them and don’t worry about it any more.
      And as everyone keeps telling you, Adrian, stop all the second guessing of everything!!
      Marika’s advice is good. Also, stop worrying so much about what people think of you. You responded to the woman and told her you didn’t want to go out again. That’s all you owe her. If she doesn’t accept that, that’s on her.

    5. 7.5
      GoWiththeFlow

      Adrian,

      “Taking looks out of the equation: I am still trying to understand how one person (usually me) can be having a boring, unfilled, or just a miserable time on date and yet the other person (usually the woman) can think we had a great date?”

      Hah!  Many years ago I signed up with a pricey matchmaking/dating service.  (Don’t waste your money folks.) The one thing that they did do for clients was to be a proxy that said no for you.  In general, I would have a phone call with the set up where we would chat and arrange a date.  After the date, we each went home and filled out a feedback form that we faxed in where the last question was “Would you like to go out with ______ again?”  Then we would have a follow up call with someone from the agency a day or two after that.  There was only one man that I wanted to go out with again, but he didn’t want to go out with me.

      What’s interesting is that while I heard back that he didn’t want to pursue anything, I never received any feedback as to the why.  The feedback forms literally had 5-6 questions on how the date went and what you thought of your date.  What did they do with this info?

      Later on I realized (in part from this blog) that there were some specific things I said and did that could have come off negatively to my date.  The funny thing is, I likely did and said some of the same things on other dates where they did wind up wanting to see me again, but I wasn’t attracted to and didn’t want to pursue anything with them.

      So in the end, I don’t know if there were specific things I did that killed it for that one guy.  Or was it that he just wasn’t attracted, so nothing I did or did not do would have made a difference.  I do know that with the other men I met through the service, there was one where his words and behavior was what killed if for me.  For the other 5 to 6 guys, there was zero attraction on my part and nothing they said would have made a difference.  But at least if I had had some feedback, or if the men had gotten some as well (and according to my consultant at the service, multiple women had the same specific issues with the individual men) maybe we could have bent the curve a little more in our favor by modifying our behavior.

      1. 7.5.1
        ScottH

        Faxed?  What’s that?

        1. GoWiththeFlow

          ScottH,

          LOL!  This was back in the dark ages before cheap cell phone plans and texting.  So breaking the news via the morning after text wasn’t an option.

    6. 7.6
      Yet Another Guy

      @Adrian

      Another one I am usually hit with is call me when you get home (-_-). It is used under the pretext of making sure I got home safely but for me most times it’s used as way to extend our date/conversation after the date so I usually don’t have the luxury to wait until the next day to think of a good “you’re great, we’re just not great together” lie after the date.

      I know that you are inexperienced when it comes to women, but you seem to have the inability to maintain masculine frame.  First and foremost, I do not care if you were not attracted to a women with whom you had a date.   As a man, it is your responsibility to see that she arrives home safely.  You should always ask a woman to text you when she gets home.  Your primary job in life is to ensure the safety and security of the woman in your company.  If she wants to chat for a while after she gets home, once again, that is your job.  It is called being a gentleman.  You need to keep the conversation brief, but always be nice. Women are at least an order of magnitude more adept at reading body language than men.  The times where they fail to catch that a man is not into them are usually those that include quite a bit of alcohol.  Unless you made big moves before you both parted, she will figure it out on her own in the morning.

      1. 7.6.1
        Yet Another Guy

        *to a woman

      2. 7.6.2
        Nissa

        I would agree with you, YAG. It’s just a nice, gentlemanly thing to do. If the man wants to use that moment to ask for another date, he can, but the times men have done it with me, a second date was not requested. Usually by then they realize that we are not on the same page.

    7. 7.7
      SparklingEmerald

      Adrian “the truth is that there is a thing going around now where a lot of women are being taught to ask men why didn’t they like the date or what they did wrong that causes him not to want to see them again… It’s some kind of self-improvement/correction coaching and I have been running into it a lot lately.”

      I was advised to this when I was in Focus group (by other women in the group)  I did this ONCE.  I just got a generic “I thought you were great, but I am just ‘not in a place’ where I am looking for anything serious'”  (His profile said otherwise).  Complete waste of time.  So I never did an “exit interview” after that.  I’ve also had men demand a reason for me not wanting a second date.  Very awkward, so I decided not to put men in that awkward position.  It really doesn’t matter why anyway.  If a guy doesn’t want a second date with me, the reason is irrelavant.  Most guys that I didn’t feel it for didn’t say or do anything awful, so there was nothing for them to change,  I just didn’t feel the connection.

      I have told guys face to face “I had a great time, but I don’t think we are a match” and I have done the old “Call me sometime next week, so I can check my schedule”.  I was a stage actress part time, and sometimes I would say I have to hear back on some auditions or some such thing.    But I never gave the old “We’re not a match” spiel UNLESS the guy unequivocally asked me out again.  I to, think it would be presumptious to assume he wants a second date, if he didn’t ask for one.

      Oh yes, and I’ve been told to my face “We’re not a match” when I have given no indication that I want a second date.

      OLD is very awkward, both being rejected, doing the rejection, and even on a first meet and greet where there is mutual dis-interest.  I should know, my dating life was about an even split between all 3 situations.

      1. 7.7.1
        S.

        Sometimes the best is mutual disinterest. Not great for one’s romantic life, but no questions, no awkwardness just mutually moving on.  And it’s all unsaid but we both know it.

        At least then he and I would on the same page, which is difficult even with mutual interest.

         

         

         

         

        1. SparklingEmerald

          Hi S – I remember being in OLD hoping for mutual dis-interest, because it was so much less awkward, than to have a guy fawning over me that I had to tell “We’re not a match” or “My schedule is up in the air at the moment, we’ll talk later”.  And believe it or not, I preferred me being the smitten one and the guy not being into me, because in that case there was NOTHING for me to do, ‘cuz I can take a hint, so if a guy said “I’ll call you”  (and we all know what THAT means) I’d just say  “Ok, nice meeting you” knowing it was our last date.  YUP, I actually preferred being rejected over doing the rejected, but mutual dis-interest was the best option of all 3.  It seems after a while, I forgot the eventual goal of OLD was to find mutual INTEREST.  When I finally found that sweet spot of mutual, genuine interest (not just sexual on his end, not me “giving a guy a chance” on my end) I could hardly believe it.  But 3 years later, here we are, happily married !

        2. S.

          Aww! I’m so glad it worked out for you!  It’s good to know that it does, eventually. 🙂

  8. 8
    Emily, the original

    You hug goodbye, you say you had a great time, and you say you’ll talk soon.

    Why say “I’ll talk to you soon,” if you have no intention of doing so? Can’t you just say, “Thank your for the date. I enjoyed meeting you.” ? It’s not dropping the hammer but it’s subtly saying there’ll be no second date. That way, nobody’s lying.

    1. 8.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Personally, I think the white lie is nicer than “Thank you/I enjoyed meeting you/Good luck” in that it doesn’t feel like an insult right in the moment.

      If you like receiving the above notice at the end of the date by men, then, by all means, feel free to say the same thing to men. Golden Rule.

      1. 8.1.1
        Emily, the original

        I guess I just prefer knowing. That way I’m not waiting for a phone call.

        1. Kitty

          Emily, if you pay really close attention to facial expressions and body language you’ll figure out whether or not his “I’ll call you” is sincere.

        2. Lisa

          While maybe women are good at reading body expressions and language, men are not so good, just ask one of your guy friends @kitty.  They are clueless.  If you nice even if that nice is polite they are going to think you are intersted.

        3. ScottH

          Lisa- it’s called mixed messages and those can throw us for a loop.  I’m pretty terrible at deciphering them.  However, there should be no need for deciphering.

          I suppose I disagree with the advice to show interest when there is none on a first date.  Give the guy an honest chance (as he is probably trying to do the same for you) but don’t feign anything that isn’t genuine.  Sure, be polite but if you’re not interested, don’t show interest.

        4. Emily, the original

          Lisa,

          While maybe women are good at reading body expressions and language, men are not so good, just ask one of your guy friends @kitty.  They are clueless.  If you nice even if that nice is polite they are going to think you are interested.

          Yes. Women are often put in the position of having to be very blunt to the point of rudeness.

        5. Yet Another Guy

          @Lisa

          While maybe women are good at reading body expressions and language, men are not so good

          While I agree that women are better than men at reading body language on average, that is not a universal truism.  A man who is an experienced dater is usually adept at reading body language, often to the point of being able to exploit it.  The average woman gives a man a metric truck load non-verbal tells if she is interested, many of which she is completely unaware that she is making.  In the world of seduction, these tells are known as indicators of interest (IOIs).  The biggest non-verbal tell that a woman can give a man is the simple touch.  If a woman is interested in a man, it almost impossible for her to not touch him.   I have never had a woman who was interested in me make it through a date without at least touching me on the hand or forearm, and that includes reserved women.   She will also close the distance while talking and do her best to ensure that there is no dead air because she wants to increase comfort. These tells plus the absence of any closed body language are signs to a man that the date is his to mess up.

        6. Lisa

          @yetanotherguy, that’s interesting because I have touched plenty of guys I never plan to see again, even given them a hug, and I’ve not touched guys at all that I’m very interested in.  I can have a great time with almost anyone. One of the things I liked about online dating was that I met so many diverse people I never would have otherwise.  If I had a good time I hug you.  So with me that would not work.  I honestly would feel better just saying hey I enjoyed meeting you but I’m not interested and would be fine if someone said that to me. But when you say it to mist guys they do not respond kindly so instead women tell a white lie.

    2. 8.2
      Kitty

      The white lie was invented for such situations.  I’ve also heard it referred to as “polite fiction”.  Brutal honesty has to be delivered with great delicacy and a carefully selected context.

    3. 8.3
      Nissa

      I’m with you on this one, Emily. Should we give our date as much dignity as possible? Yes. But not lies.

      For me, if I realize that he is interested and I’m not, before he can ask me out, I throw out some information that is a subtle hint that I’m not a match for him, such as:

      -Oh, you remind me of my brother in law /  best friend / old boyfriend (that actually happened once). This lets your date down gently by implying that you would be attracted to him, but that because he reminds you of this person who is not him, that you are making an association that you can’t get past, but the flaw is in that person you remember, not in him. It also implies that you can’t see him sexually, because seeing your brother or brother in law in a sexual way is a big EW.

      -Oh, I could never ____ (whatever he says he is interested in. It’s sneaky to do this, because then he will self-select you out. For example, if he loves doughnuts, you say, “I could never eat those – I’m really strict about my diet!” People tend to not choose people that they think will restrict them in any way. They then don’t feel rejected, because they think they are doing the rejecting).

      – You know, I always wanted to date ___  or to ___ (anything he is not, that is not changeable, or that he has said he doesn’t want. Now, don’t pick something that he’s going to be sensitive about, like his height / weight / income. Pick something that seems really arbitrary. As in, “I always wanted to date a blue eyed / blond / Iranian / Jewish /  man” or “I always wanted to move to Tibet for a year” when you know that he will never leave New York. It’s all about choosing something you can tell he doesn’t want. By aligning yourself with what he doesn’t want, he will tend to feel the same way about you. But, because it seems to have nothing to do with him, his feelings aren’t hurt, and you didn’t have to lie. You may never actually GO to Tibet, but expressing a fantasy is still enough to change someone’s mind on a first date when all is Oh-So-Delicate).

      I’m starting to realize I’ve put a lot of though into this, lol. But it’s because I won’t lie, I don’t want to hurt their feelings and I do want to preserve their dignity. Plus, I can often manage to make him feel like he’s rejecting me, and he is still able to enjoy the date as letting me down gently.

      1. 8.3.1
        Emily, the original

        Nissa,

        I’m starting to realize I’ve put a lot of though into this, lol.

        Yeah, you did!  🙂    You know what is also effective — start talking about your celebrity crush, but make sure the crush is everything your date isn’t. If your date is a bit nerdy, wearing the male hetero uniform of a plaid shirt and khakis, pick out  a celebrity who is super masculine and a bit edgy. (I have never done this, but I did ask a guy once what his type was … and it was the opposite of what I was, and my ego was temporarily deflated.  🙂  )

      2. 8.3.2
        S.

        I don’t believe in white lies, either. I live in a large city, but it’s funny who you run into again.  For me, it’s better to stick with the truth.  There is one guy I went on two dates with and the chemistry disappeared between those dates. I still see him in the Whole Foods near where I work from time to time. We  give each other a big hug.  He’s great and is just an acquaintance now.  I forget exactly how I let him down but that was like two years ago and now he’s just a pleasant acquaintance.  It’s nice and I don’t have to avoid him or anything.

        Letting someone down isn’t always angsty.  It can be pretty chill, esp. early on.

      3. 8.3.3
        Adrian

        WOW! Nissa,

        I know you will disagree with this so I hope you come back maybe a year from now and re-read what you wrote but

        Your tactics all seem really mean.

        Your justifications all seem really selfish (I am not saying you are selfish).

        Again I am just saying how it sounds to me I am not attacking your character (you come off as a sweet woman and a great catch).

        However this is how your statements sound to me “Oh let me zero in on something that you lack and then smile at you while I say that to me an attractive guy is what you are not.”

        You get to go home with a smile and a self-congratulatory pad on the back about being honest and the guy after having to fake a smile gets to go home and feel like he is less than…

        Oh well at least you got to be honest; that is more important than his feelings. Your statements remind me of the articles about cheaters who are selfish and so tell their partners what they did, not to help the relationship but to alleviate their own guilt. To throw the burden on the victim. Oh well at least they were honest.

        Sigh and then in pops Emily with the “whatever he lacks at a man find the sexiest person you can (a celebrity) and make sure he knows you think he could never be half that man in your eyes”

        So some jerk does it to you Emily and you say do it to another? Oh well at least you two get to be honest.

        1. Nissa

          Hey Adrian –

          First, I appreciate your effort to disagree and be respectful of my feelings. After all, you are nice and I am nice, so with that as our starting point, we are both trying to be gentle with the feelings of the other. Which is actually the point I was trying to make.

          Let me say, of course your opinion is just as valid as mine. No doubt of that. But my experience is different. Because I’ve been on those dates and seen how those dates responded to my words. If I had seen any evidence of their being hurt (verbal or non verbal) I would have switched tactics. I did have someone once tell me that dating me would have been like dating a sister, and yes, my feelings were hurt. But I certainly didn’t think that he had the intention to hurt my feelings. My hurt that he didn’t like me was a reflection of my limiting belief that if he didn’t want me, then I wasn’t wanted, or no one else would want me, or I must be flawed. This is what Evan is talking about when he argues that a woman shouldn’t need to be the hottest woman ever to her boyfriend. It’s not about her, it’s just a difference of opinion. The wisdom of being able to see that erases the hurt. BUT – since that’s an internal process, we each must make that happen for ourselves, no one else can do it for us. After a short time, my hurt went away and I was able to see his remark as being genuinely helpful.

          That said, it was not my intention to say, ‘pick on what he lacks’. It was my intention to say, be as honest as you can be without harming that person. And that sometimes hurting someone is the most helpful thing you can do. Meaning, ice cream is very pleasurable, but it can harm us. A dentist often hurts us, but it benefits us overall. This is the same thing.

          I have dated men that remind me of my brother in law, and it was a turn off. Mostly because my date seemed to be angry about life, just like my BIL. If I had thought he would genuinely be helped by my mentioning it, and that he was ready in that moment to really hear it, I would say it. If he was not ready to hear it, then I wouldn’t say it. That would be an unhelpful hurt.

          I’m also saying, that when you tell a man he is not a match for you, he often won’t hear it, because people in general only hear what they want. By explaining who you are (a person who wants to live in Tibet for a year, a person who wants to live a life without donuts) you are SHOWING them that you aren’t a match. This does not diminish or humiliate your date in any way. Notice how I said above, don’t pick something he’s going to be sensitive about.

          Let’s show this in a different way. I don’t want kids, I have dogs, and I don’t smoke. If a man said to me, “Oh, I could never give up my cigarettes. I know I want 4 kids, but dogs shed too much hair” – none of that is about ME. It is a statement about how he sees himself and what he wants in his life. How could that be ‘wrong’? It’s what is right for him. None of that implies that he is ‘less than’ or unattractive in general. He could be Taron Egerton or Mark Strong (both hotties) but while that quality (smoking, wanting kids) is unattractive to me, it is attractive to many others.  If I felt like less of a person because he said that, it would not be because he was “being mean” – it would be because I have issues with my own self worth.

          I’m not saying that being honest is more important than his feelings. I am saying it is equally important. My feelings are important, and so are his. My intention is to preserve his dignity while making it clear to him that we are not on the same page.

    4. 8.4
      SSJ4Gogeta

      Nope, I disagree with this. I would rather a woman be upfront about there being no second date rather than telling me a white lie. If anything, I think that would relieve a lot of pressure off me and I’ll just treat the rest of the date as if we were two friends hanging out.

  9. 9
    JB

    As a guy if go on a meet and greet and I’m not interested I keep it under an hour and just say “nice meeting you, drive safe” with a half hug kind of thing. If I am interested I might say something towards the end of the date like “hopefully we can do this again?” or some variation depending on how I think it went or I might shoot an “I had fun let’s get together again” text/or email the next day to gauge interest….etc…. I’m sure I’ve said what Evan has said to say way back when but after awhile I always kind of thought that was close to saying “I’ll call you” then blowing them off so I don’t say that any more. It’s very rare I have a woman directly ask me “so am I going to see you again” but if they do I don’t have a set in stone answer because there’s too many variables.

  10. 10
    Danaellem

    This is exactly why I have trouble with circular dating or dating a man at least three times. If I can’t see myself kissing them on date zero, even lightly, then how do I manage three more dates to see if a spark develops as relationships  gurus such as Dr. Pat Allen advocates?

    If a man asks me out while I am on date zero I simply say thank you, I have to check my schedule and then OFFER to pay for my portion. When we part I use body language to get the message across that I am not interested by avoiding the check or mouth kiss and just extending my hand and saying, take care.  Then if he texts me first to ask me out then I say something along the lines what Evan suggests.

     

     

    1. 10.1
      Kitty

      Danaellem,

      Have you ever had a male acquaintance, classmate or coworker that you you didn’t want to kiss the first time you met him, but ended up falling for after you got to know him?  It’s the same principle.

       

      1. 10.1.1
        Lisa

        I have some thoughts about this and I know EMK has written on it. Women on a first date decide whether they would not sleep with the guy but men decide if they will. This shows the gender difference in that women can develop attraction after getting to know him. So if he’s not repulsive and she enjoyed the date she will likely give him a second one.  Men however don’t usually give second dates to women they would not sleep with. Prior up online dating relationships that developed into love from friendships were common. The difference is we knew that person otherwise. With online dating you are there for the sole purpose of dating. I tried to give guys that fit the bill at least 3 dates to see if chemistry came. The problem is that the men got angry and said they were led on!

        1. Kitty

          Men however don’t usually give second dates to women they would not sleep with. Prior up online dating relationships that developed into love from friendships were common. The difference is we knew that person otherwise. With online dating you are there for the sole purpose of dating. I tried to give guys that fit the bill at least 3 dates to see if chemistry came. The problem is that the men got angry and said they were led on!
          Despite what some would say women aren’t the only gender who frequently harbor unrealistic notions about online dating.

        2. Yet Another Guy

          @Lisa

          Women on a first date decide whether they would not sleep with the guy but men decide if they will. … Men however don’t usually give second dates to women they would not sleep with.

          That is correct.  In fact, a man will usually make this decision within thirty seconds of meeting a woman.  Where I disagree is with your assessment is with respect to chemistry.  Men do not experience chemistry the same way that women experience it.  Dr. Christie Hartman states that there are three types of chemistry; namely, emotional, intellectual, and physical.  Women lead with emotional and intellectual chemistry.  They are looking for that emotional high.  Without that emotional high, most women will not allow physical chemistry to enter the picture, at least not in a dating context.  Men lead with physical chemistry.  All a man needs to feel is the desire to remove a woman’s clothes.  Just because a man wants a second or third date does not mean that he wants a relationship.  It just means that he is willing to make investment to see you naked.  An experienced man will generally not allow emotional and intellectual chemistry to enter the picture until he has qualified a woman as a lover.  That is why it is a fool’s errand for a woman to take the “give it a few dates” approach with online dating.  If a woman does not feel it on the first date, she should move on to her next date because there is no guarantee that man’s physical chemistry with her will turn into the chemistry trifecta.  The cold hard truth is that physical chemistry will drive a man to pursue a woman with vigor that he immediately drops after he has sex with her because she has been conquered and disqualified as a lover.

           

        3. Emily, the original

          That is correct.  In fact, a man will usually make this decision within thirty seconds of meeting a woman.  Where I disagree is with your assessment is with respect to chemistry.  Men do not experience chemistry the same way that women experience it.  Dr. Christie Hartman states that there are three types of chemistry; namely, emotional, intellectual, and physical.  Women lead with emotional and intellectual chemistry.  They are looking for that emotional high.  Without that emotional high, most women will not allow physical chemistry to enter the picture, at least not in a dating context.  

          I can assure you this isn’t always true. I used to belong to a women’s group and the conversation always got around to men. They were a good number of women (though certainly not all) who knew within seconds if they were physically attracted to a man. Physical attraction did not grow out of intellectual or emotional attraction, and several women got a high from the physical chemistry.

          There is one woman who is dating a man who I suspect she is not physically attracted to enough. While she may have emotional chemistry with him (he is attentive), she keeps breaking up with him because she’s not feeling it.

        4. Yet Another Guy

          @Emily, the original

          I can assure you this isn’t always true. I used to belong to a women’s group and the conversation always got around to men. They were a good number of women (though certainly not all) who knew within seconds if they were physically attracted to a man. Physical attraction did not grow out of intellectual or emotional attraction, and several women got a high from the physical chemistry.

          I did not state that physical chemistry grows out of emotional and intellectual chemistry.  What I stated was that emotional and intellectual chemistry lead physical chemistry in women.  Most women will not get physically involved with a man until they have qualified him emotionally and intellectually.  If that were not true, men would not have to deal with the ad nauseam complaints about objectifying women .  You also never hear guys complaining about how poorly their date treated wait staff because men do not care about such things. Men never need to qualify a woman emotionally and intellectually before having sex with her.  Why?  Because a man is 100% focused on physical chemistry until he gets into a woman’s pants.  Furthermore, a man does not care if a woman objectifies him.  In fact, he is flattered when she does so (that is why time-to-sex is important to men).  If that were not true, men would not post shirtless photos on dating sites.  When a woman talks about chemistry, it is always a feeling.  When a man talks about chemistry, it is almost always about how high a woman drives his libido.  A man will generally not let emotional chemistry enter the picture until he has qualified a woman as sexual partner.  That is when he allows himself to make an emotional connection.   With most women, the emotional  connection needs to be made before sex can occur.  That is proof that emotional chemistry leads physical chemistry in women whereas it lags physical chemistry in men.

          How many male profiles on dating sites have you read that include the word “chemistry” (it is absent from my profile)?  I have lost count of the number of female profiles that include the word chemistry and how important it is to a match.  Men on dating sites do not care about chemistry as woman perceive it because they do not experience it the same way.  What a man wants to know is if a woman looks like her photos because what he wants is to have sex with her.   That is why some men are quick to rush women to coffee dates. The coffee date is little more than a quick-and-dirty way of visually inspecting the merchandise before he makes any kind of investment of his time and financial resources.

          Any woman who doubts what I have written about the difference between female and male profiles should create a fake, non-paying male profile on Match for viewing female profiles (I have a fake female profile on Match for scoping out my competition).  It will be an eye-opening experience for most women, especially when it comes to desired male attributes, not the least of which is height.

        5. Emily, the original

          YAG,

          I did not state that physical chemistry grows out of emotional and intellectual chemistry.  What I stated was that emotional and intellectual chemistry lead physical chemistry in women. 

          I know exactly what you meant and I’m telling you that not all women are like this. There are women who lead with physical chemistry — which they can determine within seconds of meeting a man — and will not care about the emotional and intellectual chemistry if physical chemistry is not there. She may end up liking the guy as a person, but if the physical chemistry is not there, there is nothing he can do.

          When a man talks about chemistry, it is almost always about how high a woman drives his libido.  

          It is the same for some women. How badly do I want to sleep with him? I’m certainly not saying all women are like this, but I think a much larger percentage than you think. There are some women for whom a man can simply never “outcourt” the lack of physical chemistry.

  11. 11
    Margo

    OP here. Thank you, Evan, for answering my question. I hate to be dishonest under any circumstances, but getting your perspective makes it easier for me to see how I can approach this situation with integrity. I had actually been thinking that men would prefer not to be “led on” (and I see from the responses here that there are some who do), but – to my chagrin – I had not been thinking about what I would prefer in the same situation.
    One ironic aspect of this is that, since I read “Finding the One Online” and started consciously trying to make each first meeting as good as it could be, I have been asked out again by every single man I’ve met by the end of the first date. This is not because I’m so gorgeous or hot (believe me – I’m 55 and kind of an egghead). I had been dating online previously for a few months (before taking a break to regroup), and I don’t remember it happening once! I did get asked for a 2nd date about 50% of the time, but not until he emailed or called the day after, generally. So Evan created this problem for me!!

    1. 11.1
      Emily, the original

      Hi Margo,

      One ironic aspect of this is that, since I read “Finding the One Online” and started consciously trying to make each first meeting as good as it could be, I have been asked out again by every single man I’ve met by the end of the first date. This is not because I’m so gorgeous or hot (believe me – I’m 55 and kind of an egghead). 

      Thanks for posting your comment. This is good to know. I’m sure you are an attractive women, but it’s good to know that your personality and shift in attitude is getting you second dates, that not all male dating decisions are almost solely based on appearance.

    2. 11.2
      Yet Another Guy

      @Margo

      I do not know what you did to cause the shift, but I am willing to bet it has to do with avoiding sending the “I am not receptive” signal while remaining fun and flirty.

  12. 12
    AdaGrace

    My experience is that many guys will react to a polite during-the-date rejection with either a scary display of anger (not just disappointment), or a desperate attempt to talk me into a second date anyway.  I’ll bet most of those guys woke up the next morning and felt really awkward about how they’d behaved (one actually wrote me years later to apologize — he’d recently gotten married and, as he looked back on his dating history, was ashamed that he’d been a jerk to me when he should have been impressed that I was straight yet tactful with him.)

    I think some guys’ reactions have a lot to do with the fact that hearing the rejection in the moment, in a public place, feel like public humiliation before they’ve had a chance to process their knee-jerk reaction.  Whatever the reason, now I do pretty much what Evan recommends.  (changing the subject can also work, depending on the circumstances)  Which saddens me, because I’m generally a very straightforward person and know there’s a minority (?) of guys who would be more comfortable with honesty on the spot.

  13. 13
    Lisa

    I had very similar experiences while dating.  But this happened in person and over text/email and phone. I mean it started with the angry emails as to why I had not responded,  the name calling, the attempts to convince me to go out with them because they were so amazing.  Then if you rejected the man in person on the date, it was much of the same.  Finally, you would get the texts that would be rude and not stop to the point you would have to block a number. I have to say that this type of behavior by men in online dating is more common than it is not?  So how do you reject someone without them behaving in this manner?  And do the men actually think this gives them a better shot?  I mean I cannot dream of a man telling me he was not interested and me continuing to beg or convince or be rude?   Do women do this too?

  14. 14
    mary

    Don’t say I’ll call you. It’s so lame.  That gives him a little opening if he needs a date for something a event etc.

    If he wants a friend ,what happened to those men ? he will call you and let you know that as well. Men online not looking for friends. Its a shame because most marriages that start as friends lasr so I’ve read.

    Don’t say anything except nice meeting you but I’m not feeling it.

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