Should Bad Habits Keep Us Apart?

Dear Evan!

 

I’ve been reading your advice for a while. I like how you talk about not putting so much importance on chemistry and how you should focus on how the person treats you. I met a guy on Plenty of Fish in January. We became exclusive in March. He treats me wonderfully and loves me unconditionally. I’m legally blind. He accepts me and gave me the chance to demonstrate that I’m independent. However, there are certain things that turn me off. He doesn’t care too much about appearance. He can go to work without showering! Also, during sex, he doesn’t want to talk but I do.

 

I’m confused because here’s a guy who treats me well and yet, I question his habits. Aren’t hygiene and sex important? I’m afraid I won’t find someone that will accept me because of my situation. It’s been hard for me. Here I have someone and I’m not sure if I would be able to live with him. Are these reasons not to be with someone?

JoJo

Dear JoJo,

You illustrate a very important point – the heart wants what the heart wants.

Then again, the people who live by such credos often find themselves sleeping with their own daughters, so we have to be careful of being too rigid about such things.

First of all, let me give you credit for a few things: dating actively even though you’re legally blind, appreciating that it’s hard to find someone who will accept you as legally blind, and, finally, caring so much about appearance when you’re legally blind.

That’s some powerful irony right there.

No one will say you’re wrong for caring about appearance, wanting a man to shower daily, or desiring dirty talk in bed. The heart wants what the heart wants.

However, if you’re considering these things as fodder to justify breaking up with him, I think you’re going to have to try a little bit harder.

You don’t get to iron out all of your partners’ flaws… ESPECIALLY when you have flaws of your own.

And that’s about the hardest message that I have to deliver on a daily basis in my role as http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/. You don’t get to iron out all of your partners’ flaws, ESPECIALLY when they’re not necessarily flaws, and ESPECIALLY when you have flaws of your own.

Case in point: it is not mandatory that men talk in bed. You may prefer it, but he may prefer focusing his energies on finding your erogenous zones instead of narrating how he’s going to be doing it.

Case in point 2: it is not mandatory that men shower every day before work. If he goes three days without showering and smells horrible, that’s one thing. But just because he doesn’t do exactly what you do doesn’t make him WRONG. It only makes him different than you.

Has it ever occurred to you, JoJo, that you may have half-dozen habits that your boyfriend absolutely can’t stand? Your propensity to complain about the temperature in every room, your highly questionable taste in music and literature, your refusal to engage in anal sex, your ineptness in the kitchen, your annoying and catty girlfriends.

If you’re intolerant of others’ flaws and oblivious of your own, well, you just may be alone for a very long time.

I don’t know you, but I know “people” – and EVERYONE has qualities that have the potential to drive someone up the wall. If you have a low tolerance for others’ flaws, and choose to break up with men each time they rub you the wrong way because You. Just. Can’t. Live. With. That, it’s entirely your prerogative.

It’s hard enough to find love online. It’s gotta be doubly hard if you’re blind. But if you’re intolerant of others’ flaws and oblivious of your own, well, you just may be alone for a very long time.

If I were you, I’d appreciate the boyfriend, offer to hop in the shower with him, and engage in a sexy conversation about how it turns you on when he talks to you in bed.

And if you need to get back out there online, I’ve got just the resource to help you…

Click here to learn more:

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    I’ve been with Jake 4 years.  I can rattle off, at the drop of a hat, a dozen things that drive me CRAZY.  I ask myself on at least a weekly basis (sometimes more frequently – whenever he does one of these things) – if it’s worth it, if I can put up with it, if I can be with him forever if he always does these things.

    The answer has always been yes.  It’s worth it, I can put up with it, I can be with him forever AND BE HAPPY.  I have my flaws that drive him crazy too (though he admits that his flaws make him a much harder person to get along with than I am), and part of what love is is that he tells me every day that I’m an amazing human being, inside and out, that I’m the best person he’s ever met and he loves me completely, when I know he could choose rattle off a list of things he hates that I probably wouldn’t/couldn’t change and would feel bad about.

    Love is stronger than a shower :-)

  2. 2
    starthrower68

    This is interesting.  This is why I say that going in, you have to know what the the dealbreakers are.  I’m not disputing what Evan says, merely pointing out that these things require a little bit of thought ahead of time.  But kudos to OP for asking the question.  She is at least willing to question herself rather than just putting the kabash on it.

  3. 3
    Jennifer

    I don’t think its too much to expect someone to wash their ass every day.

    On to the less crude portion of my comment…I wouldn’t advise anyone to break-up with a boyfriend over something like his not wanting to talk dirty without explaining your preference to him and seeing if he will accomodate you, at least some of the time. I guess the same could be said of the washing thing although really as a grown man his hygiene habits may not change as easily.

  4. 4
    Parker Lee | howtomingle.com

    I would say it all depends on how bad you smell. I personally think a person should take a shower at least once every other day, UNLESS they stink :)
     
    I personally shower everyday, but I know some people who naturally, don’t smell, don’t ever get dirty.
    And a day without showering wouldn’t kill me nor them.
    To each their own, I guess :)

  5. 5
    andie

    I was married for almost 15 years to a man who had poor hygiene habits. After awhile I didn’t really want to have sex with him. It’s not much fun when the guy stinks, has bad breath and you find suspicious brown looking stuff down there. Really…the poor hygiene thing would be a deal breaker for me. Also, if he’s doing this now, I guarantee it will get that much worse if they marry…when he really feels sure of himself and comfortable.  Good luck on that one!

  6. 6
    Liz

    Unless he smells or his hair looks greasy, I think it’s okay (for humans in general) to shower every other day.

    Also, if you start talking dirty on your own I bet he’ll eventually decide to join in.

  7. 7
    Goldie

    Unless the OP is from the Southern hemisphere, it’s summer. Upper 80s-90 and humid where I am. I cannot imagine a human adult male going without showering for over 24 hours and not being smelly/sticky. This would be a huge turn-off for me. That he goes to work like that and believes no one will notice would make me question his social skills/professionalism, i.e, another turn-off. Sorry Evan, IMO this is in a completely different category than not wanting to talk dirty.

  8. 8
    Liz

    I wish I knew more what “legally blind” means in this case. I know being legally blind isn’t the same as being, well, blind in the strictest sense of the word… Is her disibility really an obstacle in dating? Because that would affect how picky I’d advise her to be, if we’re being honest.

  9. 9
    Suzanne

    I’ve gotta say — personal hygiene is a big deal to me.  JoJo said her boyfriend doesn’t care too much about appearance, but then goes on to give an example of his not showering daily.  Which makes me wonder: Does he simply look a little unkempt or does he smell bad?  Because, to me, there’s a difference.  (I get the feeling she meant he stinks but she didn’t want to be crude or cruel and just say it outright.)    I had a great lover for over a year who was always wrinkled, and he didn’t care.  A friend of mine called him “The Great Un-ironed One.”If we were going out somewhere and I just couldn’t stand to look at his wrinkled button-up shirt all night, I’d iffer to iron it for him, and he always agree.  He thought that was a very loving and sweet of me, and I felt better, so we both won.   And I admit it –  I was worried what other people would think… about him and, thus, about me.  Okay, my bad.  However, if a guy stinks and refuses to wear deoderant and/or shower more…. it’s a physical turn-off for me and no matter how great a guy he is, I’m not going to want to get physically intimate with him.  So: dealbreaker.   I’m glad JoJo wrote this letter, because it took guts, and she brought to light an issue that most of us have dealt with.   So, Evan, while I agree with most of what you said, I do think that neglected hygiene can be more than idiocyncratic.   As for sex talk — my experience is that if a guy doesn’t do it, it’s because it makes him uncomfortable (he’s shy, doesn’t want to say the wrong thing) or, like Evan said, he’d rather focus on other things.  Either he’s a talker, or he isn’t.  And I’ve never known a guy to NOT like it when I talk during sex. More importantly, I’ve found that when I suggest a guy talk during sex & he gives it his best shot, it always sounds forced and — seriously — it’s everything I can do not to laugh.   I know, bad.

  10. 10
    JuJu

    What I don’t get is, how can someone, after actually being told that they smell, not take any measures to prevent it from ever happening again? I personally would be completely mortified!  :-o
     
    Or perhaps I am assuming too much and she has never actually told him that anything bothers her. :-|
     
    And I am also confused on the appearance vs. hygiene issue.
     

  11. 11
    sayanta

    about the sleeping with daughters thing…at least Woody and Soon-Yi have made it last. ;-)

  12. 12
    BlindVision

    Legally blind people are sighted.  They can see how someone looks.  And they have feelings, desires, needs, quirks, just like everyone else.  They do no have to be desperate because no one will want them. They can even be the ones doing the rejecting of a partner.   You may never even notice that a person is legally blind in many situations.   The OP may even be more in tune with other senses ( smell, voice) that she is more sensitive when there is something missing in these areas. 

  13. 13
    hamsterdance

    My boyfriend is legally blind and the biggest “detractor” I can see from a dating standpoint is that he is can’t drive. When you are in a long term relationship with someone who will never be able to drive there are some adjustments to be made. One of the biggest is that we can only live in places with very good public transportation so he can get around on his own. That means it’s likely we may never be able to own a home, as the only affordable options are far outside the city where the bus access is poor to nonexistent. We also have higher rent in the city.
    If you were to choose to be in a relationship with someone who is legally blind, but instead drive them around everywhere, then that would also be an adjustment you would have to make. You’d have to be ok with knowing that it would be permanent.

  14. 14
    Anette

    Quite a few assumptions being made here.

    She didn’t say he smelt did she? She said he didn’t shower before going to work. Does he shower in the evenings?

    And what is it about his appearance that is bothersome other than that? Not enough info imo.

    And not talking dirty in bed, has she explained why it turns her on? Are there things she can do in bed, that turn him on more? Sex takes a lot of time I think, to really get to know what’s good and not good. Is he “lazy” in bed, or is this just something he struggles with?

    Perhaps he can talk dirty at other times, when he isn’t trying to focus? Perhaps he isnt’ comfortable with it, but can try it in a situation where he isn’t already trying to “perform”. I think there are a number of options available there.

  15. 15
    A-L

    Add me to the list of folks who think that bathing every other day (barring stinkage) is just fine.  And this is coming from someone who lives in south Louisiana, the land of the hot and humid.  Of course, when it’s hot and humid most everyone spends all of their time in air conditioned buildings and vehicles, so there’s not much opportunity to get all sweaty and stinky.
     
    As for the sex talk thing, she should explain her views on it, but should also hear his.  Maybe see if there’s a modified version that would work.  Or see if there’s some other activity they could do that would work as a suitable replacement.  Or even see if they could compromise as to how often the sex talk happens (every time, or just once in a while).
     
    If these are his biggest two faults, I’d say that he’s a pretty good guy.

  16. 16
    Karl R

    Anette said: (#14)
    “Quite a few assumptions being made here.”

    I have to agree. JoJo said nothing about whether her boyfriend smelled. She didn’t say he got sweaty. She didn’t say what kind of job he had.

    A-L said: (#15)
    “Add me to the list of folks who think that bathing every other day (barring stinkage) is just fine.”

    Add my girlfriend and I to that list too.

    Evan said:
    “I don’t know you, but I know ‘people’ – and EVERYONE has qualities that have the potential to drive someone up the wall.”

    That’s the truth. If you’re honest with yourself, you’re aware of the flaws that  your partner is going to have to accept.

    It’s a little hard to be self-righteous about your partner’s flaws when you’re acutely aware of the ones she is consistently overlooking.

    Evan said:
    “If I were you, I’d appreciate the boyfriend, offer to hop in the shower with him, and engage in a sexy conversation about how it turns you on when he talks to you in bed.”

    That’s the elegant solution. You can’t get the other person to change, but you can change your actions to circumvent the problem.

    My girlfriend frequently forgets to lock the car or the house. We could fight about it constantly, or I can check the doors and lock them for her. I’ve chosen the latter approach, and my relationship will last much longer because of it.

  17. 17
    JoJo

    Thank you Evan and everyone for your comments.  I would like to clarify that I didn’t say I wanted to talk dirty during sex.  I said that he didn’t want me speaking or asking him anything in bed becausue he looses his concentration.  I don’t care about talking

  18. 18
    Daisy

    Hi, Just wanted to say that JoJo did not mention anything about talking dirty in bed.We’re assuming that its sex talk. Also Im sorry but I could not be with someone who doesn’t bathe everyday. A few hours after showering,our asses do not smell too clean so imagine 24hrs later. Hello pls shower everyday.

  19. 19
    Joe

    Why do you assume she wants to talk dirty in bed?  Maybe she wants to discuss her day while they’re banging away.  That would drive me nuts too, and I wouldn’t be doing any talking.

    Also: stepdaughter.

  20. 20
    JoJo

    Thank you Evan and everyone for your response.  I would like to clarify that I didn’t say that I couldn’t talk dirty during sex.  I said that he didn’t want me talking or asking him anything during sex because he loses his concentration.  I personally don’t like to talk dirty.  However, I do like to ask how does it feel and things of that nature.  I felt like I had to keep quiet.  As far as the hygene, he would go to work without showering and not even the night before.  He even wore socks with holes on them.  If you’re planning to stay home, then I don’t see anything wrong with not showering.  If you’re out in public, I think a daily shower is appropriate.  Yes, there were times that he didn’t smell pelasant.  I didn’t break up with him; although there were a lot of other things such as his immaturity and him making me wait when we had plans that made me unhappy.  He actually broke it off 2 weeks ago.  I was willing to work things out because he is a good person, but he gave excuses and said that I deserved better.  I know that no one is perfect and that’s why I tried and at the end, he broke it off.  I guess we just have to figure out how much we are willing to compramize in a relationship.  I was certainly willing to try.  I have concert tickets that we were supposed to go to in 2 weeks.  There has been no communication between us.  Would anyone still go with him?
      
      
     

  21. 21
    JuJu

    I apologize if this question offends anyone, but, people from the shower-every-other-day camp, do you often engage in oral sex?
     
    Also, JoJo is actually being very tolerant when she says it wouldn’t matter to her (much) if he didn’t shower when staying in. I think it’s really disrespectful to one’s partner (or to oneself, for that matter), and staying at home or going out shouldn’t be a factor in the “decision” to take a shower.

  22. 22
    BeenThereDoneThat

    @ 20
    I wouldn’t go with him; I’d go with a friend.

  23. 23
    Ruby

    JoJo #20
     
    “However, I do like to ask how does it feel and things of that nature.” 

    That’s talking dirty. It may not be highly graphic, but it’s still dirty talk.
    Sorry it didn’t work out, but I think you can do better than a stinky, immature, inconsiderate guy. Good luck!
     

  24. 24
    Karl R

    JuJu asked: (#21)
    “people from the shower-every-other-day camp, do you often engage in oral sex?”

    Yes. And when I’m going down on my girlfriend, I never think about whether she took a shower that day.

  25. 25
    JoJo

    At 21, I meant when you’re home alone.  He once came to visit me and didn’t shower because he got up late.  Out of respect for your partner, you should be clean.  There is a certain level of effort that needs to be put in when you’re dating someone.  We all want to look and smell good for our partners; especially in the begining of the dating process.  It was hard to be turned on when I knew he wasn’t clean.

  26. 26
    Selena

    Showering every morning is a habit.  I much prefer to shower in the evening “to wash the day off”. And if I haven’t gotten dirty or sweaty that might be every other night. I’ve never had any complaints regarding oral sex.

    What I find peculiar are people who have to shower in the morning when they know they are just going to get sweaty as soon as they step outside…going to the beach, or other outdoor activities.  They may not shower in the evening and go to bed “dirty” simply because it’s not their habit – showers are for mornings.

    If  your partner smells you should tell them. If they don’t smell, then the problem is they are not following your habit.

    Talking/not talking during sex as a dealbreaker? Sheesh – not too picky are we?

  27. 27
    Ruby

    I think this is all about personal preferences. Not showering everyday might not bother many people. But others might be grossed out by it. If good hygiene is important to JoJo that might be on her short list of “must-have’s” next time around. It certainly doesn’t sound like she’s inflexible or intolerant. Some things one may be willing to compromise on, but some things may be deal-breakers, and that’s not necessarily wrong.

  28. 28
    Anette

    @20. Sorry it didn’t work out.

    And no I probably wouldn’t go to the concert with him, I’d take some-one else. If he’s not showing interest, then he’s not showing interest.

  29. 29
    Katarina Phang

    I’m sorry I’m somewhat prejudiced to those who think they don’t stink in any way, shape or form after 24 hrs, thus it’s okay to shower every 48 hrs.  Adults perspire and have bodily discharges whether or not they stay in airconned rooms or it’s winter.  You don’t think you smell only because we are oblivious to our own scent most of the time.  Ask the people around you.  They’re better judges.
    It’s quite okay if you live on your own and nobody complains (you might indeed still look and smell presentable from a decent distance after 48 hrs not showering) but if you have a partner who showers every day and often engage in common intimate activities like hugging and kissing with him/her, it might be a big issue.
    And talking about the nether area and oral sex..?  Eeeeuuuwwww….  I’m assuming they don’t even wash that particular area either before engaging in it.  Simply gross…  You need to wash that area before sex (with or without oral sex)  even when you have just showered only a few hours ago.  It’s only fair to your partner!  Imagining anyone doing it (especially the oral sex) after 24 (or 48 hrs) without shower makes me nauseous.
     

  30. 30
    JoJo

    At Selena, I agree with you.  I don’t see anything wrong with choosing to shower at night instead of the morning.  When I’m on vacation, I shower in the evenings because I’m going to the beach in the day.  If he had chosen to shower in the evenings verses the mornings, then that’s his choice.  My problem with him was that he wouldn’t shower from the morning before.  I’m embarrassed to mention certain things, and that’s probably why I was to vaigue in my question because there are a lot of details that I didn’t elaborate on.  Talk/ no talk during sex was something I felt I had to hold back on.  Again, our problem in the bedrm went beyond that.  Anyways, it’s over now so none of this matters anymore.
     
     

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