Should Men Buy Flowers or Gifts for Women on First Dates?

Do you recommend guys bring flowers or small gifts on the 1st date to present to the woman he’s trying to woo? 

It’s a personal decision of course, but a tough one at that. Some of the pick up artists tell students not to offer to buy a woman a drink in a bar, for a couple reasons (and I agree): First, some women just freeload, take the drink, and walk away (and do this all night to guys). Second, the pick up artists tell students the woman has to EARN the drink first (meaning she has to display that she is sincerely interested in the guy as well). 

By the same token, I’m beginning to wonder if the woman has to earn the flowers/candy (whatever) first before just giving them to her on a first date or in an attempt to get a date with her altogether.  Meaning, if the first date goes well, perhaps the better time to spend hard earned cash on flowers or candy is on the 2nd date. 

After all, many a schmuck (myself included) has bought flowers for a woman, either having them delivered to her office BEFORE the guy even asks her out, or brings them on the 1st date, only to not have the hoped for romance go anywhere, and then feel like a loser for blowing $50 on flowers on top of the dinner. 

Any advice on this?  Thanks.

Justin

Dear Justin,

Years ago, I gave a speech following a book signing for I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book. Afterwards, a nerd in his early forties approached me, agitated. He was hung up on the flowers question as well.

“I don’t understand,” he bellowed, “It’s good manners to give flowers on a first date. My father courted my mother that way. I don’t see what’s wrong with it.”

“It’s just a little too much,” I replied, diplomatically. “It’s a nice gesture…once you’re already in a relationship. But as a tool for wooing a woman, it can come off as a little cheesy.”

“Since when has chivalry become cheesy?” the man said, even more agitated. “I’m trying to demonstrate that I’m a thoughtful, generous man, and she’s judging me negatively for it? I don’t understand that kind of thinking.”

And he didn’t. Like most people on most issues, he was hard-wired to believe one thing, and was resistant to the possibility that he was wrong.

“Even if I agree with you in principle, sir,” I chimed in, “it doesn’t really matter. If you give flowers to every woman on the first date, and every woman agrees that it’s an over-the-top gesture which has been outdated for thirty years, why are you still fighting it? Instead of trying to convince womankind that they need to re-evaluate what’s comfortable, why don’t you just change tactics?”

He paused and took a deep breath. He looked me right in the eyes.

“Because I am right. Because there are right ways of doing things and the wrong ways of doing things. And you’re never going to convince me that giving flowers on a first date is wrong. Just ‘cause every woman says that I’m too old-fashioned doesn’t make her right.”

And he stormed out of the book signing, stubbornly clinging to his beliefs, decidedly likely to ruin another first date with another bouquet of roses.

If you’ve read this far, you can probably see the error in this man’s thinking. It’s not that his heart was in the wrong place, or even that he was being illogical. Giving gifts to women IS generous and thoughtful and kind. The problem is that, as a first-date gesture, it’s antiquated and awkward for the woman. Which renders it ineffective. Which means it should be retired. And yet this guy is holding on.

So ask yourself what behaviors or beliefs YOU have that are out of step with reality:

Are you a guy who thinks that women should split the bill?

Are you a woman who thinks that your great date actually meant something?

Are you a guy who thinks that women should write back rejection letters if they’re not interested in you online?

Are you a woman who thinks that a guy should take down his profile once he starts dating you?

If so, you’re just like the flowers guy. Your mindset may be fair, but it’s not working effectively for you.

Understand the way others think instead of trying to convince the world to come around to you, and you’ll have a lot more success in dating.

2
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Comments:

  1. 61
    Todd Suriano

    Hi im 19 and dating someone and just stumbled upon this site. Ive noticed there are not to many younger people commenting, so i wanted to put my two cents in. I think its actually quite sad that women have become so afraid, of something like getting a rose or a bunch of flowers. Last time i checked flowers show that a man is interested in you. Im talking to all the ladies out there when i say this. Stop being such ungreatful pansies…. if a man gets you some flowers on date thank him and get on with the date.

  2. 62
    Nicola

    I’ve had bigger and better things bought for me on a first date (including beautiful flowers) and I think it’s a lovely thing to do on a man’s part.
    What ever happened to love and romance?
    And just remember, guys:
    Fair heart never won fair maiden!
    Buy her nice things.. they don’t have to be expensive.. and she’ll love you for it. I wouldn’t want to go out with an unappreciative woman just like I would not go out with a mean man.
    Just don’t be too nice all the time or else!

  3. 63
    inertia

    Getting flowers for a woman is NEVER a bad idea. It’s a sweet, thoughtful, charming gesture and I hope that you’d have the manners and grace to show thanks, not disdain, when some one gives or does anything for you. I’m in my early 40′s, so I’m dating men in their mid-40′s to early 50′s … and I would say almost half of them have showed up on a first date (always dinner – by THEIR request, not mine) with something, beautiful bouquets, exotic flowers, sometimes chocolates, one guy made a basket of vegetables from his garden, threw in something for my pet as well. I certainly don’t expect anything on these dates, nor do I expect to be taken to dinner on a first date, … but when they show up with something, I really appreciate the thoughtfulness – the fact that they actually had to pre-plan it, and go out and do something? Sweet. That is not the deal breakers with me. What is the deal breaker is being invited for dinner, expensive restaurant of their choice, and accepting me to pay half (which I always offer and am prepared to do so). I had just been restructured so was unemployed and he, well let’s just had two estates and a barn full of race and polo horses. He also tipped very cheaply (which I privately made up for to our excellent waiter). Rudeness, getting drunk on your first dates, vulgarity, … those are the kind of things that should creep you out. Not someone who gives you flowers. (And boys, if you ARE bringing flowers … or anything else, doing it because YOU want to (and you can afford it), because that’s a reflection of who you are … NOT because you’re expecting something in return).

  4. 64
    elli

    Hi everybdy! I am European and I can´t believe my eyes when I read some of the posts like if a guy brings me sth. on a first date I will think he will want sex, etc. What about looking at it from a brighter side, like he wants to show me that he is a caring man, or he wants to make me feel feminine, or he wants me to feel like a princess? I agree with much what is written in this and other threads but IMHO you guys overcomplicate human relationships!

  5. 65
    Fusee

    If the guy has already:
     
    1. Showed interest upon meeting me for the first time
    2. Evaluated my interest properly
    3. Asked me out respectfully
    4. Showed up on time on Date #1
    5. Offered to pay for Date #1,
     
    then this is plenty generosity, manliness, and chivalry for me at this point. No need for extra gifts and sweet touches. Keep them for later!
     
    My boyfriend gave me a red rose on Date #4 just before taking me to a nice dance venue. That was the perfect timing in our budding relationship. I now receive a monthly bouquet of fresh flowers. This is also much appreciated.
     
    On Date #1 this would have been too much too soon. I actually had that happen to me once in the past – although it was a simple bunch of Jasmine flowers taken from a bush and a fresh orange – and I felt uncomfortable. It was somewhat sweet but coming from a virtual stranger, a bit too much for my taste. Do not overdo it.

  6. 66
    Kathleen

    Id be a little freaked out and embarrassed if a guy brought flowers to the first date. Id be wondering where the closest exit was. It would seem too needy
    All I need is his Sexy (hopefully) Self to show up on time and look good.

  7. 67
    Lucy

    I really think it’s time to throw out the rulebook and return to simple common courtesy, Whatever I do on a first date is down to my reading of Debrett’s mainly. I make effort in my conversation and interest in that person, which counts for much more than a gift. Personally I prefer men not to buy me a gift for a date because I do not think it’s necessary (what about women buying men gifts?). At the same time, I wouldn’t begrudge a man who did if his heart was in the right place.

    Whatever your views on this, it is best to assume good faith until proven otherwise. People have different ways of receiving and expressing love and it is really important that we recognise this difference in each other. If a man buys a woman flowers, it doesn’t mean that he’s clingy. It means it is his way of expressing affection. I’ll always appreciate that gesture for what it is, because there are plenty of men who make less of an effort. Still, as others have suggested, it’s best not to pass it off as a huge deal (otherwise it wouldn’t really come from the heart).

  8. 68
    lisalin

    I don’t believe anyone has ever brought me flowers on the first date – but I would like that! But first consider, will I have anyplace to put them right away or will I be dragging them around awkwardly for the evening? Also, a $12 bouquet is more than sufficient for such a sweet gesture. 

  9. 69
    Janet

    Flowers over a drink in a bar would be really nice. Much more resectful, splitting the first dates dinner/ or going dutch would put no pressure on either party. If there would be a second, third…etc date both parties should have no regrets and be well on their way to either a good friendship or more.

  10. 70
    judy

    Flowers on a first date? That’s a very sweet gesture.  But I’d far prefer to receive them on a second or third date.
    Having said that, I once received a bouquet of Spring daffodils (the very small ones) and thought it was kind. 
    It’s old fashioned, yes but old-fashioned doesn’t necessarily mean it’s no longer valid.  I, for one, love it when a man opens the door for me, helps me put on my coat, etc.  These are caring gestures, and it makes a woman feel appreciated.
    And…..if anyone is interested, a woman might just feel more in the mood for sex, if he cares enough about these small caring gestures. 
    If he doesn’t care about my wellbeing, why should I care about his? (Yes, I know I’ll get a few cyber hand grenades for this, but that’s what I think).

  11. 71
    Cliff

    I am a guy. Here’s my take. If a woman can’t appreciate the simple gesture of flowers on the first date, then what’s the point of going further? Guys, do it. Just get simple flowers not a stinking bouquet. If she doesn’t appreciate it, you’ll know right away if she does or not, then onto the next.

    The whole idea of dating is finding someone who appreciates YOU for who you are. If you are the type of guy who likes to give the woman you’re interested in a small gift on the first date, then do it. No point in dating or trying to date a girl who doesn’t get you. That’s a total waste of time for you and her AND your wallet.

    Plenty of fish in the sea fellas.

  12. 72
    hunter

    @71cliff

    …..”plenty of fish in the sea fellas”……..I agree with you, trouble is, I think, most men don’t know how to get to “many” first dates, so they try to make it work with what they got….

  13. 73
    Erik Borgerson

    I’ve known this girl for around 6 years and was going to see her over Summer break. I was going to buy her a single rose to give to her when I see her. I also made a cd for her as well. I wanted to do this because (give her a flower) she’s been through so much this last year and I thought it would put a smile on her face.

  14. 74
    Jenn

    I had a guy bring me gifts on the third date, a date which he planned that involved dinner and a show. I thought it was a bit much that not only had he planned a bit of an elaborate date, but then he gave me Christmas gifts on top of it? And I knew one gift wasn’t even obtained specifically for me – he told me it was a souvenir he’d picked up on a trip to Florida earlier in the year, before we had ever met. Now, if he and I had had a funny conversation about Florida or seashells and it had some significance, it would have made sense. As it was, it was totally out of the blue and I was thinking, “Oh, well thank you for this absolutely tacky basket of shells that I have no use for.” It was a nice gesture, but since he had already planned and paid for such a nice date, the gifts were totally unnecessary. I definitely thought he was trying way too hard and any attraction I may have had up to that point took a huge nosedive. I gave it one more date after that night, but it was too late.

  15. 75
    Jeff

    There can be exceptions.  Once I started texting with someone via an online dating site while I was out of town on vacation.  We connected really well while texting and so I picked her up some earrings (nothing fancy at all) from where I was vacationing and gave them to her on our first date when I got back.  It went over very nicely.  That being said, I generally agree with the author.  It’s all about making her feel good and if a gift when you first meet is uncomfortable, which I think it is for most women, then just don’t.

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