Should Women Ask Men Out on First Dates?

Should Women Ask Men Out on First Date

Dear Evan,

What’s the truth? Should women ask men out on first dates? Is it true that a man is “really not that into you” if he’s not asking you out?

Thanks!
Danielle

Dear Danielle,

You asked me a question, but you really asked me two different questions which have two different answers:

1) Should women ask out men on first dates?

No. No, they should not. Women asking men on first dates can be taken as aggressive, desperate, and masculine. At the very least, it can signify a loss of power. So I wouldn’t recommend that you ever utter the words, “Would you like to go out with me?” to any men.

This doesn’t contradict anything I’ve said before, because God knows, I’m not an advocate of women acting like helpless, shrinking violets. Not at all. But there’s a difference between asking a man out and getting a man to ask you out. I vote strongly for the latter.

There’s a difference between asking a man out and getting a man to ask you out.

So let’s get this straight:

Women asking men out? No.

Women using all their feminine wiles to get men to ask them out? Yes.

So what are these feminine wiles of which I speak? Besides your everyday, run-of-the-mill flirtation, there are TONS of things a woman can do to aid in her own dating process.

Let’s say you’re at a party and you see a cute guy across the room. Your friend tells you to go up and ask him out. But you’ve read this article and you know that he probably won’t respond to such a direct approach. What are you gonna do? How can you take action to make HIM take action?

So, if you see a man  you want to meet, how can you meet him? By putting yourself in the position to meet him. You can cross the room, park yourself seven feet to his diagonal, turn and smile. Now that he’s in your line of sight, he has an opportunity to make eye contact with you. And when men make eye contact with you when you’re smiling, that’s their invitation to come over and introduce themselves.

Result: Woman takes action. Man makes a move. Woman stays in control and keeps her feminine energy.

It’s important to understand this dynamic when we get to Danielle’s next question.

2) Is it true that a man is “really not that into you” if he’s not asking you out?

Yes. Kind of…. See, we men know, and have been conditioned, and may even have the biological imperative, to be the “aggressors”. For better or worse, this is the way society is set up. Men ask out women. We ask them to prom. We ask them to go steady. We ask them if they want to have sex. We ask them if they will marry us. Women are the gatekeepers to what we want. When that energy shifts, it often throws us for a loop.

This is why women shouldn’t push men for sex. Or ask men to commit. Or ask men to marry them. It’s not that they shouldn’t desire these things; it’s that generally, the man asks and the woman says yes/no.

But there are some men who don’t embrace these traditional roles – not because they’re iconoclasts or neo-feminists, but simply because they’re shy or insecure. Unless you give them the key to your heart and half-way unlock the door, they’re never going to get inside. Mostly because they’re afraid of rejection and don’t want to put themselves out there.

If you have the hots for the cute, quiet guy in IT, he may be totally into you, but be too shy to do anything.

So where does this leave a woman with a crush? Depends on the guy. With guys who are alpha male types – confident, secure, good with women – yeah, if he’s not asking you out, he’s just not that into you. Type A men know that they need to ask out women, and are usually adept at doing so. However, if you have the hots for the cute, quiet guy in IT, he may be totally into you, but be too shy to do anything.

That’s when it’s your job to make it easier for him. Not to ask him out, but to make it clear that you’re amenable to being asked out. Being flirtatious, hanging around his desk, joining him for lunch… As long as he knows that his advances will be well-received, he will probably make the advance.

And if he doesn’t?

Just ask him out.

It’s only rejection. Guys deal with it every day.

(And yeah, I’m contradicting myself, but only for shy guys!)

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Comments:

  1. 271
    john

    To SarahG #21
    “Also, he was all complimentary in a sexy way about my cute pics — not sure I like that approach. Maybe he’s a player?”
    Oh geez….

  2. 272
    franko

    i would love to have a woman ask me out for a change, that would be nice. and with so many women playing so very hard to get these days, and being so very difficult to talk too, it is very hard as it is for me to meet a real decent woman today. it seems to me that women are not looking to go out with men anymore, like they once did.

  3. 273
    dave

       Let the women approach and they will learn about rejection and the great character it builds. It will do them, and men, a world of good!

  4. 274
    Grant

    I feel this is spot on.  Often I notice women acting in two extremes. Either they approach the man and come off dominant and needy or they become ice cold and seem unapproachable. If more women just “fluffed their feathers”, I am sure they would have no problem getting a man’s attention.  After all, would you really want a man that can’t go after what he wants?

    For those inquiring about the who pays scenario, I have come up with an easy way of handling this.  When I am getting to know a woman, I bring her into my life.  That mean’s we go for a hike, a picnic, archery/shooting, or perhaps a horse ride on the beach.  These are things that are apart of my life and are not costly to me. After I decide that we have chemistry and that there may possibly be a future, I then ask the girl out on an actual date.  If a women doesn’t like how I go about getting to know her, thats fine. I move on. 

  5. 275
    Alpha Girl

    Just read through this entire post. Thanks Evan for your advice, but alas I’m sick of men asking me out who I’m not attracted to, this drives me bananas. ( Just like the guy who mentioned the dance scenario) I’ve asked guys out before and have bad and good experiences. What I really think is BS is Evan’s comment about how men perceive woman who ask them out as aggressive, desperate…etc. Shouldn’t that be the case on the flip side as well. I am starting to believe now that men who ask out women are desperate too. All these dating gurus are putting ideas into people’s heads who can’t think for themselves. At one time for another we look up this information because we want to have someone in our lives. 
     
    As for Evan and your thought that its ok for a woman to send a message or wink to a man online, that’s just silly to not let the same happen when asking someone out on the phone or in person. What I think is more funny my male friend I got into online dating says it weirds him out when a lady messages him. When I inquired why, his response was he read it on a dating website, that those women had baggage and problems and to stay away from them, so another guru is giving out idiotic advice.

    Relationship roles are really being redefined these days, and what has worked in the past may or may not work in the future. If I had any advice to give my daughter if I had one 25 years in the future, I’d advise her that if she likes someone she should ask them out, why wait life it too short. Plus getting to know someone as friends first may be the key. 

    i think heterosexual couples can learn a thing or two from gay couples, those relationships seem to be more egalitarian. Meaning they are more than likely to become friends first who show common interests. 

    I also like how my friend dating guru James Allen Hanrahan has told me. For every yin there is a yang. Female is yin energy and yang is male. He told me a female yang needs to find a male yin. Or you have to fake being a yin and your more than likely not going to like  it. So if I am a yang what’s wrong with me asking a yin out! He should be happy I’m interested, cause I want to be the dominant one.  Lol that’s not always the case, but I know my real personality (being the leader) always comes out at some point in time. 

  6. 276
    Karl R

    Alpha Girl said: (#275)
    “He told me a female yang needs to find a male yin.”

    That’s rather good advice, and Evan has stated the same thing in previous threads (using different terminology).

    The problem, however, is that most yang females are attracted to males who are even more yang than they are.

    I have previously stated (in other threads) that women who are interested in shy men should ask them out, because that allows the women to kick-start a relationship that might not happen otherwise. And Evan has agreed (in those threads) that the advice applies to women who approach shy men. However, he doesn’t give that advice, since his clients are not attracted to shy men.

    You’re in a minority. You’re a female yang who is looking for her male yin. You will need to modify the advice you read (and your prior experience) to adjust to your less common situation.

    For example:

    Alpha Girl said: (#275)
    “I’m sick of men asking me out who I’m not attracted to,”

    As a yin who is being asked, someone can expect that about 90% to 95% of the yangs who ask will be be people they find unattractive.

    Turning that around for you (Alpha Girl):

    When you start asking yins out, you can expect that 90% to 95% will not be attracted to you and decline.

    If you come back here complaining that the first three men turned you down, I’m going to tell you to grow a pair and get back out there. If you’re serious about getting somewhere as a yang, you should be getting rejected at least once per week (initially).

    As you become more experienced, you will become better at determining which yins aren’t attracted before you ask them. If you can get to the point where 50% of the yins you ask out are interested, you’ve probably gotten about as good about identifying which yins are/aren’t interested as any other experienced yang.

    Being the pursuer requires a very resilient ego.

    Alpha Girl said: (#275)
    “if I am a yang what’s wrong with me asking a yin out! He should be happy I’m interested,”

    If you approach it with that attitude, you’re going to be very frustrated. Some yins will be happy that you’re interested. More of them will wish a different yang was interested in them.

    Don’t take it personally. The same thing happens to the male yangs.

  7. 277
    Alpha Girl

    Lol Karl. Tenacious and resilant are my middle names!

  8. 278
    Alpha Girl

    Also Karl on the last quote you copied from me, you also took that out of context.  Notice the comma in your copy where I say “he should be happy I’m interested,” that’s not an attitude at all If you finish the sentence. Just talked to some more people about this. We came to the conclusion that the ideas (of gurus and parents) are being put into people’s heads similar to the movie “Inception” diving deeper into the realm of suggested thoughts and ideas that can become reality. Purely by believing it through suggestion.

  9. 279
    Karl R

    Alpha Girl said: (#278)
    “you also took that out of context.”

    The part I didn’t bother to quote was irrelevant to your odds having the man respond favorably to you asking him out.

    Either he’s interested in you, or he’s not. Until he’s been on the first date with you, he probably won’t even know that you want to be the dominant one. How is a trait that he’s ignorant about going to make him happy that you’re interested?

    Alpha Girl said: (#278)
    “We came to the conclusion that the ideas (of gurus and parents) are being put into people’s heads”

    This is nothing new. People have been absorbing ideas (whether correct or incorrect) from other people for all of recorded history (and possibly before).

    But my comments assumed that people are people. Regardless of how many times I thought someone should be interested in me, it never changed whether or not they were interested in me. That doesn’t change just because you’re a female asking males out.

    Don’t take my word for it. Test it out. If you’re the one initiating relationships, you’re going to have to do a lot of your learning through experimentation in any case.

  10. 280
    Amelia

    I think this advice makes complete sense if you look at it from just a consistency angle.  If you go on the offensive and ask a guy out, you are essentially committing yourself to maintaining that type of masculine energy throughout the dating relationship, even if you are the female.  Meaning that you can ask the guy out, but I think for that to work you also have to be willing to plan the dates, do the driving, pick up the bill, etc.

    Sounds unfair, sure, but flip it around and imagine if a guy asked you out, but then he still expected you to plan the dates, do the driving, pay the bill, etc.  You’d think he was just out to waste time.

    There again, if you are the type of chick who prefers to wear the pants, so to speak, THEN power to you.  Proceed to ask men out until blue in the face (though hopefully one would say yes before that point).  But if you naturally prefer the man to take the reins, as I certainly do, then it makes more sense to just sit back and unleash the gravity well of feminine seduction.

  11. 281
    Lucy

    @Alpha Girl – You say that when men ask women out it comes across as aggressive or desperate but I don’t think that’s the case. I think it becomes desperate if you make your lack of interest clear but they continue you on as if they are trying to change your mind. This is what really offends me because it shows that the person has no regard for your feelings and doesn’t seem to believe your opinions are important. Recently I was propositioned by this guy and I said “Absolutely not” to which he responded with “Are you sure?” which made me really quite peeved. 

    I don’t think Evan is wrong about it coming across as desperate if a woman asks a man out. But please hear me out.I think that, like it or not, this is how most men think (at least judging by comments from male friends). I don’t like that they think this but it is how it is. Personally I think I lose a lot of power if I ask a man out. I get in a mode where I’m trying to impress them instead of them trying to impress me. From a personal point of view I don’t like this. I’ve found that when I’ve asked men out in the past I’ve felt really insecure about whether they are really interested in me and that sense of insecurity never really lessons. I fall in love a lot harder and deeper when the man has been the one who’s initiated things with me. I feel truly wanted then. I don’t feel like I’ve “become an option” as I’ve heard some guys say about other women who have asked them out. I tried out Evan’s advice and it has worked out so much better for me. It means that I have less interest but probably more genuine interest. But I’m not a princess type. I believe in to-and-fro once things have got started.

    And I totally agree with what you said about dating gurus and how they make people not think for themselves about whether they feel attraction for someone! It’s simply a minefield. Despite what I said above, I feel that it’s pure projection to look at someone asking you out for a drink and assuming that they’re “desperate”. I mean that comes from your own issues and not the person who has asked you out. A few months ago I dismissed this guy as clingy because he was asking me out on dates (that was actually all he was doing). Then I realised that he was a lovely guy who I unfortunately felt no attraction for and that I needed to get over myself and cut him some slack.
     
    I think if a woman doesn’t ask a man out, she can still initiate with him in a more subtle way. That way no one can accuse me of making no effort and waiting for the opposite sex to come to me. I’m not like that at all. I just make my interest in them very obvious (but not creepy) and then it’s up to them whether they ask me out or not. I don’t care if people tell me I’m old-fashioned. I personally think that’s them projecting idealistic standards onto dating. And dating is not about political correctness. It works because men will generally see you as more discerning if you’re not in the habit of asking people out which then leads you to being seen as a woman with value.

    1. 281.1
      KJ

      How do you think it is for guys to be trying to impress girls all the time? And what if a dude is shy or really awkward? Should he just be alone?

      People and their traditionalist lifestyle promotion worry me.

  12. 282
    Lucy

    @Alpha Girl – You said: “We came to the conclusion that the ideas (of gurus and parents) are being put into people’s heads similar to the movie “Inception” diving deeper into the realm of suggested thoughts and ideas that can become reality. Purely by believing it through suggestion.”

    Sounds fascinating! I wonder if anyone has written something on dating and confirmation bias. It explains how people with a good chunk of brain make poor dating decisions anyway. I guess all of us have some level of self-delusion.

  13. 283
    marymary

    I asked my boyfriend out, or rather I suggested he take me somewhere. 
    It’s not true that from then on I’ve had to pay for all our dates and lead the relationship.
    Neither is he some kind of pathetic female version of a man. He’s a very good public speaker, men twice his age tell me he is “gifted”. He tears up the soccer pitch. He’s very competitive. If he had to he could fight his way out of trouble but maturity and experience tels him it’s better to avoid it. He never bows to peer pressure. When something is out of line with his values he is immovable.
    I don’t think that you can extrapolate a man’s personality, character, or the next x years of your relationship from who asks who out.  Hanging onto that is no more than superstition to me.
    of course, if you want to wait to be asked that;s your perogative. There’s nothing wrong with it. it’s tradtional and kinda normal. But I don’t think it ‘s as significant  as some are suggesting.

  14. 284
    Amelia

    marymary–
    I guess what I’m imagining is the reverse of the standard situation, i.e. where boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, but while girl accepts she is still reservedly evaluating him and expects boy to make an effort to court a good impression from her.  If you switch it up so that girl meets boy, girl asks boy out, and the boy is the one reservedly evaluating the match, yet the girl doesn’t follow through because she doesn’t naturally enjoy taking the lead, then I see where you’ve got a recipe for failure.  It would be the same if the boy in the standard scenario all of a sudden stops trying– which as it turns out is seems to be the more common, painful experience for women (been there).  If the boy knows he’s into the match, though, then I grant you there’s a far greater chance of success.

    Again, if a woman naturally enjoys taking the lead, that’s great and I admire that tremendously.  For sure, there are good men out there who are receptive to that.  For me personally, things became much smoother when I let my boyfriend be just awfully traditional, and frankly the opposite of what I was accustomed to.  He bought me the drink I didn’t ask for, then asked me out with the insistence that he pay, drive, etc, as much as I protested on several occasions for what I felt were principled, egalitarian reasons.  I could sense, though, that my protesting was actually borderline insulting to him, and as soon as I relaxed about it everything took off brilliantly. 

    Heck if I know why all the traditional crap worked like magic where non-traditional didn’t in the past, but I’ll gladly eat my crow.  The almost-insulted feeling was interesting, and a little amusing to me– here I thought I was being reasonable and fair by offering to do the traditionally masculine things yet he was annoyed by it.  He’s not an older guy, either.  I wish I could explain it, given that today’s dating paradigm is no longer strictly defined.

  15. 285
    Miller

    Sorry, but SCREW THAT.

    I respect women who ask men out, beleive it or not, if that cute girl a guy’s been interested goes up to him and asks HIM out, he’d be frikken psyched. Because he knows that she’s interested in him and it lifts the burdon of having to plan the date and work up the courage to ask her off of him.

    Asking people out is a major pain in the ass, I hate hate hate doing it. (and yes I have done it quite a few times, still don’t like doing it.) the fact that its a task relegated to one gender specifically is a crime against humanity, and sets the rights for gender equality skyrocketing backwards.

    Oh by the way, ” I don’t want to start an association with a man trying to convince him that I’m worth his time if he doesn’t feel that way already. ”

    Have some perspective, that’s how men feel when THEY are obligated to do it every time. Check your privilege, yo.

  16. 286
    Peter

    1) It’s ok for women to be cowards
    2) No need for equality in gender roles. Women claiming they want equality, what hypocrites.
    3) Shy guys should die
     

  17. 287
    Peter

    Yeah right, Evan you said that she could ask only a shy guy out.
    And how could she tell if that guy is a shy guy or he is not interested in her or perhaps he is already in a relationship?

    So much for equality in gender roles

    1) It’s ok for women to be cowards
    2) No need for equality in gender roles. Women claiming they want equality, what hypocrites.

  18. 288
    dave

      Ms. MaryMary  – Great post!  I wish that more people could understand your point of view. Maybe  the fact of  having women doing the approaching  REALLY angers women. 

  19. 289
    yoyo

    Marymary – i also asked out my boyfriend of 4 years on a date. I am so glad I did, because maybe we wouldn’t have had the wonderful relationship we have been lucky enough to experience.
    No one should let society dictate what they should do in relationships. Act the way you feel. Its the 21st century. How would change ever come about in the world, in all aspects of life, if we all just acted what we thought was ‘typical’, ‘expected’ or ‘traditional’? 

  20. 290
    bob

    Yes they should…
    if women want equal rights they should be willing to risk being burnt like men do, any other excuse is a cop out.

  21. 291
    Daniel

    I strongly disagree that women should not ask men out. This is almost 2014 now, and time for complete equality.

  22. 292
    Seriously

    That would certainly be very nice for a Change. Wouldn’t It?

  23. 293
    Blake

    Best advice that I’ve seen so far online. Thank you. It was straight to the point and obviously going to save a lot of heart breaks for those women that think it’s the modern way of dating and decide to put themselves out there by asking first. I have a secret crush and there is no way I will ever ever ask this guy out. I’m in the process of using those womanly ” wiles ” you speak of with the hopes that he will catch on. Trying is better than not trying, right? If he doesn’t respond, then I can at least know I stayed on my side of the fence and did my best, he just didn’t want to hop over…LOL

    1. 293.1
      lola

      I agree always cast your net in the sea and see what kind fish you caught.
      If the first throw does not work. Through it again. That how it works in the world i live in.

  24. 294
    pepper

    I completely disagree with women not asking men out. I’m a college girl studying engineering and there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be myself around someone I like! That said, no i haven’t asked anyone out, but I think most boys are intimidated by me and also i’m kind of awkward at picking up social cues. Still, why shouldn’t a girl who knows what she wants go after the guy she wants?

  25. 295
    alread

    this is terrible advice, dont listen to it. guys can be just as nervous to ask out a girl, the same way girls can be nervous to ask out a guy.

  26. 296
    John

    I disagree with the idea that if a woman asks a man out, she is an “aggressor.”
    Asking a person out on a date is not an aggressive act. It is an assertive one. Women are not being “aggressive” when they ask a man out on a date. They are being assertive.
    Does a woman asking a man out imply a loss of power or control? No.
    The idea that men suffer from a loss of power as a result of someone taking the initiative over what course their life will take assumes that men need or want to be in control of everything. This is simply not true. Men do not desire or want to be in control of everything in their lives and nor do they want that. There are plenty of pleasurable activities for men in the world, like playing golf, watching football and other sports, playing chess, playing video games, engaging in intellectual debates and putting the maximum effort into one’s career. Many of these activities are rewarding because they require skill or test a man’s intuition or intellectual capability. Men at their best are competitive and push themselves to the limit.
    Men at their best are reaching and sustaining their peak, not trying to find a balance. Peak performances are for men. Balance is for women. Women are good at multi-tasking. That’s why they often like “doing it all” or “having it all.”
    A man could care less about winning a woman’s heart if he can beat people at chess, become a professional video gamer or if he has a successful career, gets promoted to higher offices and/or ascends the ranks of the corporate world. Men do not absolutely need to be in control of everything in their lives. They go after what’s exciting to them. A man isn’t a “failure” for not having the initiative to ask a woman out on a date if he is “successful” and experiences a sense of “power” in some other aspect of his life. That is where a man’s pride is. A man’s pride is in what he does best.
    Dating is not about power. Dating is a prelude to a relationship and relationships are about intimacy and about exposing your most vulnerable side to another person. People pursue relationships due to a need to be “loved.”
    To me, the most attractive members of the opposite sex are those who are nice. When a women is nice to me, shows hospitality and courtesy, praises me for my work and tells me I am smart, and I experience that as “love,” I become attracted to her. Being asked out is no less of an act of love. I would have no problem with a woman with a six-figure salary asking me out if she showed “love” to me first. The feeling of being “loved” is often powerful enough for me to ignore their looks.
    The funny thing is, if I was to now speak of the opposite sex, despite having a society influenced by feminism and the notion of equality, women still like being “served” and “pampered” by men. A survey reveals that only a minority of women are put off by men opening doors for them, which is weird because I thought it was the other way round!
    This leads me to the conclusion: it isn’t a question of whether men or women should do the asking because it isn’t a matter of exerting power over someone. It’s a matter of “showing love” to a member of the opposite sex. Love breaks down barriers. It softens them inside.

  27. 297
    The Real John

    Im little disappointed by this article.
    I dont understand why does Evan want to give women power and control over men ? Why cant women or men ask each other out and stop playing games ?
     
    This is just silly. The best relationships I ever had was with women who asked me out.

  28. 298
    dave

      Real John – The situation you described happens EVERY DAY . The women insist that it is THEIR guarantee that the man is interested enough that he does the approaching ( because she is worth it, and he is not worth it). Maybe this was the gallantry (?) tha our dads taught us once, but men are sick of the double standard. Maybe it is changing.

  29. 299
    Dan

    Reading this column I sort of felt that I was in a time warp back to the 1950’s.  We live in a time when women run major corporations, universities, government agencies, lead troops in combat and excel in all the professions.  In the next couple of years we might have our first woman President*.  So, if you truly believe in gender equality, why shouldn’t women ask men out?

    All the reasons you give are related to social attitudes which need to be abandoned because they diminish the humanity of both men and women.  It also supports the “women-as-gatekeepers” attitude which sees relationships, sex, even love, as something that women have and men have to win from them, which is extremely unhealthy for relationships.

    You say, “But there are some men who don’t embrace these traditional roles – not because they’re iconoclasts or neo-feminists, but simply because they’re shy or insecure.”  Actually, some men don’t embrace the traditional role because they ARE feminists and believe in gender equality.  I know I could never be attracted to a woman who was so tradition bound or lacking in her own sense of humanity that she was afraid to invite me out for drinks, a movie or whatever.   

    *just for the record, Hillary met Bill when they were students at Yale Law and she DID make the first move.

    1. 299.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      It’s not a time warp, Dan. Go on a dating website. Women receive hundreds of emails from men because men know it’s their role to ask women out. It’s not that women “can’t” ask men out. It’s that they don’t really have to because men are doing just fine by themselves. When I was single, I didn’t need a woman to ask me out. If I found her attractive, I’d have done so independently.

  30. 300
    Dan

    I recognize that there are there are still people out there who think that way, but it doesn’t change my point. Why is it the man’s role to ask women out, other than traditionalism?  This seems a part of the same view that says the man always should pay, provide transport, be the head of the house, make more money, and generally take the lead.  And these types of gender bound rules are bad for men and women.
     
    Relationships are about love, respect and mutuality.  This is most likely to happen between equals who aren’t concerned about societal role-playing.
     
    I don’t “need” a woman to ask me out, but I sure do love it when she does.  She goes up in my estimation and its far more likely that her values and attitudes line up with mine.     

    1. 300.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’re acting like a theorist rather than a pragmatist. Which is fine. I would submit to you that if you see a woman and find her compelling, you’re going to ask her out. And if you do, she doesn’t NEED to ask you out. Does it matter whether it’s biology (men as hunters) or society (men playing the traditionally masculine role)? Not to me. Maybe it does to you. But instead of waiting for women to get the memo and start approaching you so you don’t have to approach her, why don’t you continue to play by society’s rules by asking out women, planning the dates, and picking up the check? On behalf of most women, that’s what they want you to do. And if, by chance, a woman also feels she can buck societal convention – good for both of you. Sincerely. Just let me know when she gets down on one knee and buys you a ring. Why should men have to do that stuff?

      1. 300.1.1
        Jason Cole

        I thought women did all the planning. I’m confused. 
         

    2. 300.2
      Karmic Equation

      Part of the reason men want women to approach is because men are tired of being rejected. I get that. It stings.
       
      But as I wrote in another post, that is where most men face rejection. Up front: Girl says no thanks (hopefully nicely :) ) — The 10,000 foot view of this situation helps a man get “closure” quickly and while the ego may be bruised, the self-esteem doesn’t take any hits. This is a blessing.
       
      What men FAIL to understand is that once a girl ACCEPTS a date, then SHE opens HERSELF up for rejection. The guy doesn’t call for a second date. He has sex with her then disappears. He doesn’t want a relationship with her. He doesn’t want to marry her. This type of rejection promotes insecurity and heartbreak. “Wasn’t she good enough?” “What did she do wrong?” There’s no win and all downhill unless she toughens up emotionally. This is not a blessing and it enculturates women’s insecurities.
       
      So, when men keep harping on the double-standard “Why should men approach? Why can’t women approach?” — What men are asking for is women to be open to getting rejected both coming and going. Certainly, MOST men are much more chivalrous at turning down dates than some women, but I would ask WHY do you think a woman should risk rejection both at the beginning AND in the middle and possibly even in the end?
       
      Just take the lumps up front, guys. The world does NOT need to make it THAT much easier for you to avoid rejection. In the whole scheme of things, rejection up front is small potatoes compared to what women risk once they say yes to a date.

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