Should Women Ask Men Out on First Dates?

Should Women Ask Men Out on First Date

Dear Evan,

What’s the truth? Should women ask men out on first dates? Is it true that a man is “really not that into you” if he’s not asking you out?

Thanks!
Danielle

Dear Danielle,

You asked me a question, but you really asked me two different questions which have two different answers:

1) Should women ask out men on first dates?

No. No, they should not. Women asking men on first dates can be taken as aggressive, desperate, and masculine. At the very least, it can signify a loss of power. So I wouldn’t recommend that you ever utter the words, “Would you like to go out with me?” to any men.

This doesn’t contradict anything I’ve said before, because God knows, I’m not an advocate of women acting like helpless, shrinking violets. Not at all. But there’s a difference between asking a man out and getting a man to ask you out. I vote strongly for the latter.

There’s a difference between asking a man out and getting a man to ask you out.

So let’s get this straight:

Women asking men out? No.

Women using all their feminine wiles to get men to ask them out? Yes.

So what are these feminine wiles of which I speak? Besides your everyday, run-of-the-mill flirtation, there are TONS of things a woman can do to aid in her own dating process.

Let’s say you’re at a party and you see a cute guy across the room. Your friend tells you to go up and ask him out. But you’ve read this article and you know that he probably won’t respond to such a direct approach. What are you gonna do? How can you take action to make HIM take action?

So, if you see a man  you want to meet, how can you meet him? By putting yourself in the position to meet him. You can cross the room, park yourself seven feet to his diagonal, turn and smile. Now that he’s in your line of sight, he has an opportunity to make eye contact with you. And when men make eye contact with you when you’re smiling, that’s their invitation to come over and introduce themselves.

Result: Woman takes action. Man makes a move. Woman stays in control and keeps her feminine energy.

It’s important to understand this dynamic when we get to Danielle’s next question.

2) Is it true that a man is “really not that into you” if he’s not asking you out?

Yes. Kind of…. See, we men know, and have been conditioned, and may even have the biological imperative, to be the “aggressors”. For better or worse, this is the way society is set up. Men ask out women. We ask them to prom. We ask them to go steady. We ask them if they want to have sex. We ask them if they will marry us. Women are the gatekeepers to what we want. When that energy shifts, it often throws us for a loop.

This is why women shouldn’t push men for sex. Or ask men to commit. Or ask men to marry them. It’s not that they shouldn’t desire these things; it’s that generally, the man asks and the woman says yes/no.

But there are some men who don’t embrace these traditional roles – not because they’re iconoclasts or neo-feminists, but simply because they’re shy or insecure. Unless you give them the key to your heart and half-way unlock the door, they’re never going to get inside. Mostly because they’re afraid of rejection and don’t want to put themselves out there.

If you have the hots for the cute, quiet guy in IT, he may be totally into you, but be too shy to do anything.

So where does this leave a woman with a crush? Depends on the guy. With guys who are alpha male types – confident, secure, good with women – yeah, if he’s not asking you out, he’s just not that into you. Type A men know that they need to ask out women, and are usually adept at doing so. However, if you have the hots for the cute, quiet guy in IT, he may be totally into you, but be too shy to do anything.

That’s when it’s your job to make it easier for him. Not to ask him out, but to make it clear that you’re amenable to being asked out. Being flirtatious, hanging around his desk, joining him for lunch… As long as he knows that his advances will be well-received, he will probably make the advance.

And if he doesn’t?

Just ask him out.

It’s only rejection. Guys deal with it every day.

(And yeah, I’m contradicting myself, but only for shy guys!)

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Comments:

  1. 241
    Bill Wakeham

    Yes women should ask men out. Women want an equal world with men, apart from…………..asking men out. They are scared to death to do it. Ive had women eye me up for months, smiling at me, staring at me with their mouths wide open, and what happens when I hand them my number? Absolutely nothing. That is apart from laughing at me and nudging their mates when I see next. Equal world? EARN IT!

  2. 242
    bobi

    and i have to say deathslayer has completed an understanding that i needed in relation to honesty with people, i think you are seeing clearly and i thank you for the effort you wrote here, its great. what is happening is so frustrating and hidden and denied it has become putrid.

  3. 243
    TiA

    knowing what i know now, i wouldn’t do it. ive done it before, with men who flirted with me and clearly seeemed interested, but that’s all they were doing. and i asked them out .. lol. I’d rather let a man ask me out cold, unless we are already friends or something and i suggest something. in the end none of us want to risk rejection too much , c’est la vie.

  4. 244
    Bill Wakeham

    If a man doesnt ask a woman out, he is either involved, or not interested. Ive never heard such rubbish. I dont ask women out because, ive had women give me the come on for months, and when ive given them my number, ive heard nothing, and been humiliated when ive seen her next. Also, im shy because I suffer with PTSD. So it seems I have had it, because women are too lazy, stupid, and too scared to ask a bloke out, even though they want an equal world.An equal world that is without, doing a job they should do but wont, its left to the guy to feel an idiot every time. Women think they are stronger than men, ho ho ho.

  5. 245
    SS

    I never called men who handed me their numbers and expected me to call them.
     
    If they wanted to talk to me, they could ask for mine and then call me.
     
    Worked well for me and it let me know which men were serious, and which men were not. I’d do it all over again the exact same way if I was ever single again.

  6. 246
    Ana

    Look men are not going to ask you out no matter how beautiful you are. Most guys don’t want to deal with rejection, especially if you’re from a different race/culture/religion or if you’re really pretty. A woman should ask a man out for a coffee. Do not ask him out for dinner or a movie. Too much pressure. Coffee is a polite, friendly gesture that can’t be taken as too aggressive. Go on the date if he says yes. THAT’S IT. Leave it at that. Give him your number and let him contact you afterwards. If he doesn’t, ask the next man out for coffee.

  7. 247
    Hope

    #52 Karen says “I am definitely listening to Evan’s advice on this one. I am always complimented on my looks, my figure and my charismatic personality. I also receive many dinner date offers.”

    I’m going to listen to Evan’s advice, but it does make me sad. I’m always complimented on my looks, my figure, my charismatic personality and my intelligence. I’m never asked out.

    I met a man at a party recently who spent half an hour complimenting how amazing he thought I was and looked, and spent time talking to me. When I arrived home, I found he had sent me an email saying how nice it was to chat with me and he hoped to see me again. We’re in a group and, chances are, we would come across each other 5 or 6 months down the line. After a week of thinking about nothing but this man, and being egged on by girlfriends, I broke and sent an email saying I enjoyed talking to him and asked if he’d like to get coffee. We haven’t met face-to-face yet, but he eventually asked for my number and we spoke for the first time the other day. I’ve somewhat backed off, realizing me asking can be somewhat emasculating. If we wants to see me, I’m going to let him be the one to ask. Otherwise, I won’t contact him again.

    I guess I’m just disheartened because, despite how men seem to be attracted to me, I’m never asked out and, of the two men I’ve seen regularly over the past decade, it would not have happened had I not asked them out or called first.

  8. 248
    Josh

    Women should ask a guy out if they are interested. Im pretty outgoing being in sales so I never minded taking on the role of the “Alpha Male”. But trying to meet woman ends up feeling like work a lot of times.

    Too many times I’ve spent talking to a girl only to find out she has a BF, and that she was just being friendly. I dont want to ask ahead of times because that would be sleazy. 

    Or I’ll get actually get a number and ask a girl out, she’ll not return the call or even flake after we setup a date.

    On the otherside of the spectrum, My friend introduces me to a girl, I try and talk to her but she barely says anything so I move on thinking she wasnt interested. My friend later on tells me that she thought I was nice me and wished that I asked her for her number?!!?! Ughhh

    Woman just send to many mixed signals. I’d rather have someone reject me upfront sometimes, it would waste less time.

  9. 249
    Lana

    Evan Marc is right. Women never ask a man out. I got tired of men asking me out thru friends. I was so shy, if they asked me to my face I would have run. I had been on two dates in my life at 25 and was tired of waiting. I asked a guy out who was a friend of a friend. The biggest mistake of my life. It gave him all of the power. He was a player and a good one. I am stubborn and would not fall for his games. I broke up with him after 4 months because I did not like the way he was treating me and I wouldn’t have sex with him. It hurt his pride. He asked me back two moths later and I went because I thought he cared about me. He told me later he was worried about me because I was sick. I had two bad bouts of Mono. He was the only person I was dating so he gave it to me. We broke up again two months later. He was dating someone else the same time I was dating him. I knew in my heart he was. I tried to break up with him, he said he wanted us to see other people. He already was. I wouldn’t do that. Two years after we broke up he called me to get my permission to ask out a recently separated friend. She knew he was my first boyfriend and bragged about going out with him to another friend.  Someone said it shows he had respect for me since he asked me first. For the life of me I don’t see how. He had his heart broken by someone and was trying to see if I was still interested. He had a house-warming party and invited my friend and none of his friends came. They were all sick. He later kept asking my old roommate  to find out if I was the reason why the friend stopped dating him. He was playing games again. He called me and left a message with my roommate to call him back. He would call when he knew I wouldn’t be there. I never called him back. He was using me for some hidden agenda of his own. So, the moral of the story children, women never ask men out.

  10. 250
    Flower White

    I NEVER ask men out I show interest with smiles and mirroring body language and correct correspondence-no texting for dates, btw. 

    Take a personal poll of all the happy couples you may know, who have been together longer than a year-ask them who approached who first! ALL of the women I know who approached their man first are unhappy in the relationship they say their man is emotionally lazy towards them. 

    Young ladies: NEVER chase a man nor ask him out on a date.

  11. 251
    Andy

    If you are an average woman, you need to get out there and chase the man you want because most likely he wont even notice you. Most people are average, but they still want to date someone above average and better. Now since society puts the impetus on men to ask woman out, naturally even the average man will try to date up a higher “number”. This leaves the average woman to either wait and get asked out by a below average  or they can take the initiative and chase the man they want. Woman like to complain that they never meet nice men, well its you’re own fault if you sit back and wait for the nice guy to come to you.

  12. 252
    Bluebell

    I think who ever asks a first date depends on motive. Some of the reasons may be to have sex, for economic reasons, for a bet, to tell your friends/family about the experience, for marriage etc.

  13. 253
    Shayla

    lol!
    Exactly, you may have your eye on a guy and you are pretty sure he finds you interesting too. I never ask out guys but I’ll do or say something to get him to ask me out. Guilty as charged. What do they call it? Backleading.

  14. 254
    dave

     Never ask a man out! That’s right. Women want to sidestep the rejection that men
    get.  This is unfair and the reasons women give are completely bogus and out of
    whack, and as usual  —- selfish. What other unfair double standards do women
    offer, sine they like a tilted table so much?

  15. 255
    Karl R

    dave said: (#254)
    “Women want to sidestep the rejection that men get.”

    For a number of women, that is true.

    dave said: (#254)
    “This is unfair”

    What makes you think that this more unfair to men than women?

    I do a lot of social dancing. Most of the time, men ask women to dance (rarely vice versa). I more popular as a dance partner than I ever was as a date, but I still get turned down a few times per night.

    Almost half the time we go out, my fiancée has the same three complaints:
    1. She didn’t get asked to dance enough.
    2. There were a few men she really wanted to dance with, but they didn’t ask her to dance.
    3. There were a few men she doesn’t like to dance with, and they repeatedly asked her to dance.

    (If you substitute the word “date” for “dance,” women frequently make those same complaints on this blog.)

    I never have any of those complaints. I get turned down more often than my fiancée does, but I would rather have my problem than hers.

    If it bothers you that much to get rejected, then you aren’t getting rejected often enough. Try to get rejected at least once per week. Very soon, it won’t be a big deal.

  16. 256
    Helen

    Karl R #255: surely the people in your social circle know your fiancee is engaged, and therefore that she has no “forward” intentions if she approaches another man.  So why can’t she be the one asking those few men to dance?  Would they be offended?

    If that is the case, I’d agree with you; I’d rather have your problems than hers. 

    As a hypothetical (turning back to dates, not dances): I would imagine that men face a pretty high rejection rate.  Maybe if women stepped up and did as much of the initiating, the rejection rates would be about the same, and that’s just something women should get used to and not take too personally.  Based on the comments to this post alone, there are clearly men who DON’T want women to ask, and men who DO.  So it seems that the more initiating men should pair up with the more receptive women, while the more initiating women should pair up with the more receptive men. 

    What has never felt right to me is when an assertive and initiating women needs to hide that aspect of herself: to be passive in the dating game. It gives a wrong picture of who she is to the man. But her real self will come out sooner or later, and pretending to be more passive when she is not seems deceptive both to the man and to herself. 

  17. 257
    Jarvik

    It’s funny how women are so concerned about emasculating a man by asking him out yet when they do get into relationships they often act so boorish and aggressive that the man oftentimes has no option but to apologize  just to keep the peace. So all this noise about their genuine concern about scaring men away with their psuedo-masculine traits does not make any sense because it simply isn’t true its just a cover up. The two primary reasons are: 1) fear of rejection and 2) fear of losing feminine prestige and ego that society has bestowed unto them which says that “you are the desirable one” therefore men should risk their face and swallow their pride to ask you go out.And if you are wondering why men would have given themselves this disadvantage in the first place, it was to protect their “property” from being stolen by other men. Women were property of men so by setting up these rules this prevented men from just taking whatever they want. Now since men have relinquished their power to control women it is only fair that women relinquish their power as well. But instead women continue to  act aloof and set the proprietary ground rules which he must abide by in order to reach your highness. As my good friend Vino said we men are but mere serfs attending to feminine royalty and sorry women its just not going to happen like that. And if you think we are the ones losing out because we refuse to bow to your ego think again. Arrogance begets arrogance so what you will get is the arrogant males that only know how to act confident but have nothing to be confident about. Again arrogance is not evolved from winning it is merely an asset to survivalism. I have no problem asking out women but I only ask those out who dont seem to be playing the false traditionalist card while being immersed in modernism themselves.

  18. 258
    Ms. Bee

    I initiated and suggested the first date with my fiancee, and almost five years later, we’re engaged to be married. I’ve asked men out before, and I’ve had no problem. (I also always go Dutch on dates, thereby violating another one of Evan’s rules.) I don’t know how to ask women out, though. They have always asked me out. I wish there were some better advice on this. The lesbian sites are too silly, and the men’s sites tend to treat women like they’re annoying harpies who must be tolerated in order to get sex. Just reading some comments on here, I realize a few men agree with this viewpoint, but that’s alright. They’re just not a good match for me.
    My fiancee and I don’t observe gender roles. Though I look very feminine (people say I look like Portia DeRossi) – and he has that willowy rock-star look that’s in style these days (he used to model when he was younger, and looks like a very young Jon Bon Jovi, minus the silly 80s mullet) – in a poly relationship with a bisexual woman, gender roles serve us no purpose. In fact, gender roles have never suited me. Even when I’ve been in (or am in) “regular” relationships with men, I have never adhered to a strictly feminine role or used feminine charms. I don’t know how, I don’t care to learn, and it’s never hurt me any. I was raised by a single dad, and when my female classmates were talking about makeup and boys, I was hanging out with the guys, obsessing over Metallica and imitating Beavis and Butthead. (Yes, we sounded even stupider than you could imagine.)
    I earn a high salary in a male-dominated field. (Most posters on here would call this a “male” role, but I don’t believe in these kinds of labels.) He is a FT student and working a PT student job. I pay for the majority of our expenses, and keep the finances straight. He cooks, because I’m so awful at it that I’m banned from the kitchen. We try to split cleaning where we can, but I’m fastidious about certain things (laundry) and he’s fastidious about others (kitchen/food prep area), so we often go our own way with chores.
    Some guys might feel emasculated dating someone like me. That’s ok. I’m not right for them, and they’re not right for me. I am who I am, and I’m not going to change my personality just so I can be attractive to certain men who otherwise wouldn’t be interested. But I don’t believe it’s a hard-and-fast rule that women shouldn’t ask men out. They can – just not all of them. If I hadn’t made the first move, I wouldn’t have seen a great movie and had drinks with my future husband.
    He’s an introvert, and I’m an extrovert. As an extrovert, I don’t let my lack of a Y chromosome stop me from asking guys out. 
    I also realize I’m not Evan’s target demographic for dating advice, but the conversations are interesting on here, so I would like to contribute. I think everyone could use an alternative perspective.
     

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  20. 259
    Ashley

    @Evan

    I think that you are right, that women should let men do most of the pursuing.  I am going to be honest…..it kind of sucks especially if you don’t get guys asking you out several times a month. Waiting around for guys to ask you out is absolutely fantastic if you have a huge line of them coming after you, but not so much if you do not.  I do attract some guys, and i am very pretty (apparently, though i’m pretty sure if I were very pretty i’d get asked out more, i will believe that i am when more guys are asking me out).  So being one of those girls who doesn’t have a myriad of guys knocking a door down to get a date with her, why can’t i approach a guy at a party?  What if i were to approach him and just be flirty and friendly and not ask for his number?  Why does it have to be when a girl approaches a guy it’s read as desperate, and when a guy approaches a girl it’s not.  It’s not like i am going to ask the guy out i am just going to approach him because i want to get to know him.  I do think you have really good advice like i said earlier, but I do think that maybe approaching a guy who doesn’t notice you right away, and having him realize that he’d like to give it a go, isn’t such a bad game plan. What do you think?

  21. 260
    brian

    yes, yes, yes.  you should deffinatly ask they guy out!  most guys are at this point where they understand that women have 90% say in the mate selection process.  and i am sure that most guys would love to know that you are intrested in them.  These guys are so tired of trying to figure out which girl wants them to ask them out and they get tired of hearing no over and over again when they guess wrong.  most men would find it a relief in this day and age.  so if you are afraid of sounding too pushy then just say “would you like to have dinner some time”  and bam loud and clear the guy gets the message.  it is a win win for both him and you!

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  23. 261
    Mark

    If men would stop asking women out, we could actually reverse the power imbalance. There is no excuse for women to sit idly; what with all the gains they have made towards equality. It seems as if they want all the goodies, but none of the hardships. Social equality? Nah, leave that for the guys. 2011 at work; 1951 at home.

    Telling men to ‘suck it up’ doesn’t fly with me. Why should men have to face rejection after rejection while women literally do nothing and the men flock to them in droves. It’s not fair, and we can do something to change the situation. If women had to go through 1/4 of the rejection that men experience, they would be a little gun-shy, too.

    I am doing my part by not asking women out. If they want to be in my life, they must stop playing childish games and take the initiative. I am risking a lot by doing things this way, but I feel it is necessary to change things in the long run.

    1. 261.1
      KJ

      I agree with you 2nd paragraph.

      Who thinks men like to be rejected and always have to chase women? What about us shy guys?

  24. 262
    Ron Diggity

    I tend to agree with Evan in the women should not ask men out.  Now in full disclosure, I don’t agree with the premise that women are equal to men.  I know it’s not politically correct to say that, but there is just much two much practical evidence to support my position to just summilarily dismiss it.  That said, as a whole, I don’t think women should ask men out for a couple reasons:

    1) short of a supermodel whispering in my ear “I’m a sure thing tonight” it’s kind of a turn-off.  Men like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from successfully landing a woman.  You sort of rob him of that.  Simply giving a huge green light accomplishes the same result yet allows him this moral victory

    2) quite frankly, committed realtionships (which is what most women REALLY want) are lop-sided against men.  Now obviously a great and healthy relationship is the best, and is great for men, but as a whole, most realtionships are NOT that way and there is no denying there are greater costs and risk for men as opposed to women (stifling lifestyle, having your free time tied up with stuff you don’t won’t to do for her benefit, divorce hurts men more financially, etc etc)

    1. 262.1
      KJ

      1) Thats a lie.

      2) Thats your opinion, brah.

  25. 263
    L

    Huh. I have mixed feelings on the issue. I have initiated things with a few guys (that I can remember… I think four in total…) but nothing ever went further than one date/one night of romance (not sex) from it. On the other hand, I might not have gotten together with these guys at all and might have always wondered “what if”. I guess the whole asking out thing has to do with that for me – I’ll do it (in the least aggressive form I can think off) in one of two possibilities:

    1- It’s the only chance I got (someone I liked right away but might never see again if I don’t make some sort of move… depending on my mood I might act on it, approach him)
    2 – I’ve tried flirting for a while, he hasn’t asked, he seems like he likes me fine and just won’t do it. This is tricky because if I feel like he’s otherwise a confident guy who will ask out a number of girls, but not me, than I guess not interested is pretty spot on. On the other hand, if he doesn’t seem quite sure of how interested you are and seem to be looking for more signs, than it’s probably safe. I say probably because you never know, that is why you ask.

    Now the problem is, I’m not the most outgoing flirt (mostly friendly, too scared to make an ass of myself by being too friendly – can’t help it, been trying but not very successfully, so I’ve decided it’s better to be natural than to force something that feels quite strange to me) so only when I’m very interested and feel that I’m being reciprocated do my flirting skills really show up. Otherwise, they’re mostly too subtle for most guys to notice. So, I frequently run into the issue “I like this guy, but can’t tell if he doesn’t like me or just didn’t notice I’m sorta into him”. And then I’m stuck. Any advice?

    It feels too soon to ask him out (as in, we’ve talked a few times, but not in a flirty kind of way, so I don’t think his mind went there). On the other hand, trying to activate my flirting power seems to not be working due to his not noticing/lack of interest. Or I might be beating a dead horse… life can be confusing. I do recall a couple of times guys asking me out out of the blue (with me knowing them but not actually thinking of them in that way) and being pleasantly surprised… but my experience with men tells me it might not work quite the same way when the roles are reversed (I mean, being flattered, but not taking the idea too seriously as seems to be the majority’s opinion of men being asked out by women)..

    It’s funny in a way because I think it really depends on the guy. My older brother for instance, gets mostly an ego boost when a girl is interested in him, but only considers the ones he’d thought about that way even before they asked him out. I have a friend who gives all girls a chance (yes, he’s a bit of player… loves the chase, but doesn’t really get attached either way – asking or askee) and my ex who pursued me and we went out for 2 years had previously gone out with a girl for four years and she had been the one to ask him out. Also, if you are too aggressive that will come across even if you’re the one being asked out (or you might not get asked out at all… precisely for that reason) and if you’re not it really doesn’t matter because it won’t seem that way when you ask a guy out. I guess aggressive girls have to find guys who like that…

  26. 264
    NonExist

    Actually a woman who asks me out pretty much gets an extra bonus in my book. It is an indication to me that she may be more apt to want to be a close to equal partner in dating and a relationship than just preferring me to pursue.  And that is prime long term material.

    Actually a lady who worked at the same company as I (different departments) was direct in her interest. And the only reason that are not together is that after spending time together and realizing how many general interests we did have in common, we also realized that our eventual relationship goals were different and there was no comfortable compromise.

    However I did gain a new and wonderful friend out of the deal and we talk at least every other day.  And that is rare for me even with family and the few friends that aren’t moved away or married.  But she is into the same unique things I am so it just works.

  27. 265
    NonExist

    This applies to the the discussion in general and is gender neutral but applies mainly to the ladies except for those few men who only prefer being asked out by women.
    Just a rational suggestion.

    If you are a person who prefers that people ask you out an never take the initiative. That is entirely your prerogative.

    However, on forums and offline I have heard many women complain about either too many of the wrong type of men approaching them or certain individuals they were strongly interested in not responding to their signals.

    In which case it may be prudent to at least consider making a more direct move to ask a guy you are interested in out.
    Not saying you have to or you should, but maybe it might give you more possibilities.

    Yes I do understand the myriad factors which support men pursuing women. But sometimes a one time change may be a great tool to achieve a goal.

    Men in the third paragraph should be people.
    Originally it was directed at ladies only but in reading more comments there might be men that feel like traditional ladies do.

  28. 266
    NonExist

    Lastly, most of my dating life I’ve done the asking. And some ladies I met through friends. But the one who actually turned my soul inside out was one of the few that approached me first.  And I remember all 6 of them but hardly any of the ones from other means.

    She was friends with my brother and his friends. 
    And since she had mentioned in group conversation she had a guy already and she saw me with different women I figured we would just be friends in the group as usual.

    About three or four months passed.

    One night I hosted at my place.  Everyone started leaving.and I noticed her just hanging around.  I asked did she need a ride home.
    She said she had driven tonight instead of coming with her friends because she wanted to get to know me better. I was pleasantly surprised.
    And we talked all that night.  Led to a two year awesome relationship.

    She left town to pursue her education and I waited.
    But when she came back she wanted to continue but she had decided she wanted children.  And well that was the end of that.  To this day when I think of her , it still hits me like a bomb.

    And I felt so deeply that I could not really stay friends with her after that.
    Not where we saw and spoke regularly.  She has been happily married for several years and they have 5 children.

    I will always remember and care for her because I do not believe in soulmates but I do feel like the chaos that is life for that brief moment brought me my supplementary angle.

  29. 267
    M

    Well of course they should, but they don’t want to because it’s to their advantage not to. Why not just put all the responsibility on men’s shoulders? After all, we’re rejected time and again and it hurts like crazy and demolishes our self esteem but who really cares? Women’s feelings must be preserved at all costs.

    Seriously, what, a gender that produces eons of high-ranking political officials, lawyers, doctors and so on can’t ask a guy for a date? Good grief gimme a break.

  30. 268
    Rochelle

    @SS 226, that’s the same experience I’ve had. People my entire life haven given me dating advice centered around “we’re in the 20th/21st century and women should go after the men they want”, telling me to be “more aggressive” which never seemed as effective as doing things the so-called old fashioned way, which I follow more now. And their “modern advice” never matched how their relationships (present and history) formed and had no proof of being actually effective. It was all theory on how things should be since it’s the 21st century.

    I never really asked men out but used to be “upfront” following their “modern advice” and I can see from my own experience how it isn’t effective. I was putting a lot of masculine, and desperate energy out there without realizing it, and rejecting the side of myself that makes me more alluring. We still have plenty of power, it’s just almost completely opposite of how many of us were raised…So many of us were somehow led to believe it was wrong to flirt to grab a man’s attention or allow him to do things for us.

    And now, I still don’t ask men out unless it’s like I canceled and then told him I’d reschedule at some other point, or one of those situations where the guy was a friend liked me for awhile but I wasn’t willing to give him the time of day and changed my mind..that happened once. And even in that situation, after the asking was done, he took the pursuing role instantly. And technically the man still made the first move there. Other than that I believe in the man asking me out or me flirting to inspire him to ask. I heard that some American women like to even propose nowadays, but those are not the type of men most women want. Sure we’re the 21st century but biologically men and women, and what tends to attract us to one another, hasn’t really changed. Chivalrous men, the type of men most women want, typically enjoy taking the initiative, giving to us, pleasing us and choosing us. A woman asking them out takes away from that. It is really rare to hear a story where a relationship *lasted* and went into marriage with a woman doing more of the initiating.

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