The Most Important Quality Men Value in Women

Do you remember what it’s like to be in an exciting new relationship?

You’ve got this electric chemistry and everything’s going swimmingly.

He calls you every day.

He introduces you to his friends.

He talks about making vacation plans in the future.

In only a few weeks together, you feel like this was meant to be…and your mind goes wild with the possibilities.

You can’t help yourself.

You think about him at work.

You text him on the way home from work.

You daydream about what life will be like when you’re married.

And then it ends. Abruptly. Without explanation.

The problem is that – in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication – the truth is often really hard to find.

You’re blindsided. And you want answers. I don’t blame you.

I’ve been in the exact same position and I wanted answers, too.

The problem is, you can never get them from your ex.

That’s why I wrote, “Why He Disappeared.” As a male dating coach who specializes in helping women understand men, I have compiled all the answers for you.

Click here to get clarity and closure on all of those past relationships.

You’ve gone through the pain and confusion that comes with breaking up. Maybe you made peace with the past, maybe you haven’t.

But if you’re anything like me, you’re constantly seeking the truth.

The problem is that – in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication – the truth is often really hard to find.

The good news is that, in this blog, you’re going to learn one of the main truths that women go their whole life without learning.

I first realized that this truth was a revelation after giving a speech to a group of 100 singles, aged 25-40.

My speaking engagements are always fun, with lots of laughter and crowd participation. But every night has its surprises. And this speech provided a revelation.

Despite the raucous laughter and the nodding heads, there was one time that you could hear a pin drop.

It was when I was talking about what men REALLY want out of women.

It’s different than what women want out of men.

You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.

In general, women want men to be leaders. They want someone tall, masculine, intelligent, and decisive. They want him to be a passionate captain of industry –  a man who can hold a room with his charisma, tell a story that makes your sides split, and can bring home the bacon as well.

That alpha male is very attractive and most women are attracted to him.

The glitch is that this man is not looking for a woman who’s just like him.

And THAT’s the big blind spot for many intelligent, successful women.

You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.

NOT TRUE.

It’s not that intelligence, money, and leadership are unimportant to men; it’s that they place a distant second compared to the most important trait:

How you make him FEEL.

That’s right. It’s not your list of credentials that impress men – it’s how they feel about themselves when they’re with you.

So if your greatest strengths are your intellectual curiosity, your tenacity at work, and your ability to analyze and debate your stance on every issue under the sun, you’d definitely be the person he wants to HIRE.

But who does he want to date?

The woman who asks him about himself.

The woman who laughs at his jokes.

The woman who doesn’t give him a hard time about hanging out with his friends.

The woman who trusts him.

The woman who is up for anything on the weekends and everything in bed.

The woman whose default setting is happy, not stressed/angry/anxious.

Simply put: if he feels GOOD about hanging around with you, he’s going to want to hang around with you forever. But if you think that he’s going to be drawn to you for your ACCOMPLISHMENTS – your degree, your job, your home, your impressive hobbies – you’re really missing something fundamental to men.

The great thing is that this is something you can shift TODAY.

Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good – not emasculated, not second guessed, not browbeaten – you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.

Imagine if a man were to become the ideal BOYFRIEND. What would he have to do?

Make plans in advance.

Pick up the check.

Call every day.

Leave his weekends open.

Talk openly about commitment, family, and future.

Simple stuff, huh? Yet most men fall short, don’t they? It’s because they either don’t KNOW how to be better boyfriends or they don’t CARE.

Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good… you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.

I can’t say whether you care about being a better girlfriend, but now you’ve got no excuse. You KNOW what men want.

How good are you going to be at giving it?

I talk about this extensively in Why He Disappeared – how you can be smart, strong and successful and still be easygoing and nurturing.

It’s not a contradiction – no more than it’s a contradiction for a busy entrepreneur to be emotionally available or a charismatic alpha male to be a good listener.

However, you might notice that men who are consumed with their careers are not always available, and men who are charismatic often like to hear themselves talk.

I can’t make a guy into a better listener; but I can share subtle ways in which you can make men feel better when they’re around you.

To learn more, click here.

Thanks for reading, as always. Can’t wait to show you a new path to love.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Damian

    What — me?  I’m a man!  I don’t do anything… although that could also explain why I’m single!  LOL
     
    But, seriously… I don’t know if I can specifically put my finger on things I do or don’t do to meet a woman’s needs.  I’m sure there are many ways in which I could improve.  I would say that something I consciously do is try to listen without reacting.  My normal tendency is to try to fix things or react to what’s being said, but I’ve noticed that women tend to like to just vent more than anything and are just happy that you’re there for them when they need to do it.  They often don’t want or need you to react, or to attempt to “solve” anything, which is counter-intuitive, at least for me — because I tend to think that if you’re complaining about something, it’s for the sake of seeking change.  I figure, if you’re complaining about it to me, you must want my help fixing it.  But that’s not always true.  Weird.  Illogical.  Roll-my-eyes-boring!  You mean you’re complaining just for the sake of hearing yourself complain about it — and it makes you happier because you can drag me along for the ride — because misery loves company? There are plenty of times where I don’t want to hear it, but that’s why it’s a compromise.  Some of the stuff you’ll hear is just utter nonsense (from a man’s perspective) — but it could be the most important thing in her life right at that point, so I just let her have her moment with it.  I’m sure there’s plenty of crap she chooses to put up with that she thinks is equally nonsense or boring.  It’s usually well worth it to just shut up and listen, acknowledge the vent from time to time, and seem genuinely interested/affected.  Something I’ve realized is that, while men and women both want what matters to them to matter to others… I’ve noticed that women, in general, seem to need validation all the freakin’ time.

  2. 32
    Denise

    :)  Damian, ‘just a man’

    I give you a lot of credit and am impressed for recognizing one of a women’s needs (listening) and for wanting to learn more and do better.  

    If a woman needs validation all the freakin’ time, she has confidence/maturity issues.  BTW, this neediness is not only reserved for women, it’s just your view.   Plenty of men out there that are super needy as well.  THAT is tiresome.

    I think if you keep this equation in mind, it might help ‘explain’ women.  (We are much more complex then men, this is true.  We’re also more ‘capable’ in more ways then men.  Men and women each fill an important role.)

    Femininity (passion for themselves, their man and life) = Obtaining men’s resources  (listening, labor, humor, affection, attention, money) + Purpose greater than self

    So you’re listening DOES mean a lot in regard to having us feeling feminine and therefore passionate.  Keep in mind though, that none of these things come at the expense of your boundary.  So listening endlessly to someone dump their problems and negative energy on  you is well beyond the ‘call of duty’. 

  3. 33
    Gem

    “If you can’t give in to our quirky, tech-obsessed, sports-loving, illogical, horny, possibly-perverted, sexist ways, you’re fighting an unwinable battle.”

    Ah, men…..I love them all!! ;) So true, Damian.

    Men and women ARE, indeed, wired differently. If we can start with *acceptance* of our partner and their unique differences —  we’re 2/3 the way to success, right there.

  4. 34
    Denise

    #34 Gem

    Well said and couldn’t agree more!

  5. 35
    Regina

    My boyfriend of one year says that I make him feel loved, cherished, adored, protected, and accepted for who he is. that I’m the best girlfriend that he’s ever had. He also stated that he loves me, is in love with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend, we have a high degree of compatibility, and that he doesn’t want to date anyone else.
    However, when I asked him – after one year of dating – if he felt that marriage was in our future (in the past, he would tell me that although we are not ready for marriage yet, we are dating with that goal sometime in the future), he said he was not sure if he wanted to marry me. When I asked him why this was his response:
    “I know that it’s wrong to compare, but I don’t feel the same degree of intensity for you that I felt for my last girlfriend. I know that was an unhealthy realtionship  but I do not feel the level of intensity that I felt for my ex-girlfriend. Now, I don’t need to feel that same level of intensity because that was unhealthy, and I do feel a certain amount of intensity and passion for you, but I am not sure that I feel a high enough degree of it in order to want to marry you.”
    You see, he feel head over heals in love  with a woman who did not love him, but would criticize him and tell him that he was too weak, too short, etc. When she dumped him after 8 months of dating, idealizing her, he continued to pursue her. trying to change himself in order to please her and get her to love him back. When he started to back off, she would encourage him by acting as though she wanted him back, and the cycle would begin again. As a result, there was a level of intensity that he felt from that experience and he now uses that -to a certain degree – to determine the degree of his love for me.
    He said that intuitively, he felt that our relationship would be sustainable over the long haul, and that even if he would have ended up with the ex-girlfriend, there were red flags that he overlooked, and in the long run it would not have lasted.
    The lesson that I’ve learned is that it doesn’t matter how wonderful you make the man feel, or if you have a high degree of compatibility – what matters is how passionate/intense their feelings are towards you.
    P.S. I downgraded the relationship to friendship status, in order to make the transition from lovers to friends, we are taking some time apart. AND he is going to counseling to try and figure out and resolve his issues.
     
     
     
     
     
     

  6. 36
    Helen

    Regina 36, thank God for your last paragraph. All the while I was reading what you wrote, I kept thinking: “Break up with this fool! He doesn’t deserve you!” And it sounds as though that is what you have done. Smart woman. If he doesn’t have the ability to learn from past mistakes, and if you are as kind and easygoing as he says you are, then you deserve a better relationship.
     
    Don’t just sit there waiting for him to finish counseling. Go out and have great times with other men.

  7. 37
    Denise

    #36 Regina

    WOW, I can’t believe this man was intuitive and thoughtful enough to express all of this to you!  I’m impressed…

    Things didn’t work out the way you wanted; it sounds like things he need to work through.  It sounds like he’s a bit immature not understanding the difference between negative energy/drama and a relationship where that doesn’t exist.  Good for him for getting professional  help to work through that.

    It also reminds me of Evan talking about the experience with his wife, wondering if she was the one he wanted to marry given the differences they had and that she may not have been his ‘ideal’.  Ultimately, she made him feel good, was mature, grounded and centered, and eventually won his heart–he knew he would not be able to find someone who treated him better or made him feel better (hope I paraphrased my understanding correctly!).  It took Evan some time, perhaps some maturing, but he got there.

    Not saying that will happen here, but that’s what I thought of when I was reading  your post.

  8. 38
    Denise

    #37 Helen

    I think it’s better to be sympathetic to other humans as they travel their path in life.  Most times, someone else’s path is not our path.  It’s so easy to dismiss people.  I give this man a lot of credit.

  9. 39
    Chivon

    Thanks for this post, Evan. I’ve always wondered why i couldn’t attract a guy and could never pinpoint the difference between me and my happily attached girlfriends. Your post really cleared this up for me…’cause I now realise my girlfriends are fully capable of being supportive to their man and also following a man’s lead. Thus far, I’ve been pretty negative towards men, and I am guilty harbouring this hurtful and ultimately self-defeating belief that all men who are less than perfect are ‘losers’..not working out for me so far.
    But now that my eyes are open to what men really want from a woman, I’m ready to give it a shot and see where this paradigm shift takes me. Thank you so much Evan! (I’m 25 and have never been in love before)

  10. 40
    Jenn

    I don’t disagree with a lot of the article, but it seems to me that the author has little understanding of what women might want from men. Women want alpha males who pick up the tab all the time…etc…all stereotypes.

    Maybe very young women (up to age 25) fit the stereotype- when they’re learning about what life is all about.. but really? We all want alpha men with strong jaws and high testosterone levels? lol…

    IMO men and women want a lot of the same things- we ALL want to be with someone who makes us feel good. Maybe I’m an anomaly amongst women, but …how I feel around the guy is paramount to me. No, I don’t either want to be criticized, judged, second guessed, etc… I want to be around someone I feel okay with. That I feel good around.

    That’s pretty much it. It’s hard for me to imagine feeling good around an alpha male that I dont’connect with.. one whose company I don’t feel comfortable in.. etc. I don’t like passiivity particularly but nor do I like alpha dominant behaviour- it disconcerts me.  I have a lot of male friends who I have a little or a lot in common with- and sure that’s more of a non-issue with platonic friends. But with a partner.. bottom line is I want to feel good in their company. Not poked, prodded, or whatever.. just okay to be.

  11. 41
    Retro Man

    Evan you have done a great job in explaining something that is unexplainable in the world we now live in.  It is no secret that men and women are very different but even so their personalities, qualities and charectaristics are a perfect fit.  Women are the perfect compliment to a man meaning they naturally possess many of the qualities and abilities that a man lacks.  

    So in this perfect almost symbiotic relationship we have why do we get it so wrong?  It’s because the female has been forced to take on the role of the male in our society.  Some of it is the fault of men, some is the fault of woman and some is simply the need to survive in the crazy society that we have made for ourselves.  

    Men had started taking advantage of their dominant role by treating women as if their only value was in cooking, cleaning and sex.  Acting like masters of the universe and treating women as second class citizens.  Women on the other hand started to realize that they had power too.  They were extremely intelligent and they also had something men really wanted and desired so they began exploiting men on both fronts. Then society kicked in making things worse through both media and economic conditions.  Women’s lib turned into women’s equality turned into women are the same as men.

    So where are we now?  We find ourselves stuck in a society where there is NO distinction between women and men.  The qualities that men lack are no longer filled in and the qualities women lack are no longer cared for.

    As far as this article goes here is how I see things.  Ladies, Evan is 100% correct when he says it is about how you make a man “FEEL”.  I know some woman might be insulted by this because they think why should it be about him, what about my needs.  However, the fact is that if you make a man feel great about you and his relationship with you then he will be the best man he can possibly be.  The best husband or boyfriend he can possibly be.  It’s like a racehorse that has been fed well, trained well and completely taken care of.  Those are the horses that rise to the occasion and win.  Men are the same way.  

    With that being said, in order to make someone feel good you have to have deep respect for that person first.  If you are in a marriage or a relationship with a man that you do not have deep love and respect for then you need to fix it or move on.  Why do I say this so strongly?  Because you need to be in the position to WANT to make your mate feel good.  if you do not have the ability to make your man “feel” good about himself and about his relationship with you then he will never love you in the proper way.  He will never give you what you need in return as a woman.

    Even though personally I’m not very old my parents grew up in the 50’s.  In those days though things were far from perfect, men were men and women were women.  Ladies got treated like ladies.  If some tragedy were to strike men literally gave up their lives to save a woman.  They protected them, they opened doors for them, they ran to their defense if they needed help.  Men viewed women as beautiful and precious.  On the other hand women took care of their men and kept them happy and made them “feel” wonderful.  They stood by their mans side making him feel like he had their wife’s deep respect.

    Some women and some men will tell you its better now, but I for one don’t believe them.              

  12. 42
    jay

    WOW! those were some simply extraordinary comments! i actually didnt want them to end and way to go Evan! its so worth it being online when i come across simple master pieces that make it all worth while the read. Karl R and Retro man, were such interesting reads!

  13. 43
    Ana Serene

    RetroMan says it extremely well. However, just one thing. You say “the fact is that if you make a man feel great about you and his relationship with you then he will be the best man he can possibly be.” This is far from a matter of fact statement. Many, many, many good women are good girlfriends and wives but instead of being good boyfriends and husbands in return, they fall way short, taking their women for granted. Seen it and experienced it countless times. It’s a problem the world over.

  14. 44
    Dcroix

    I am a man, was doing a research on other things and was lured into this webpage. I can only comment one thing though. The author is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

  15. 45
    havva

    well, I went through all the comments by readers…..here is what I say,…..I got married in 2007 to someone who thought he loved me…well our marriage was an arrange one, but we knew each other, as he is my second cousin as well…..so when I see the traits a woman should have to keep a man as per the blog, I have them all, more over i couldn’t pursue my education through masters, i had to leave my job so to give more time to my kids and husband….i am loving and caring….when he is home, i try to spend every single second of my minutes with him, and i do all of this because i truly love him and that i want to be him…..but what i get in return is the opposite…….when it comes to spending time together….he is not there, he prefers spending time overseas with his girlfriend who he is with for more than 4 years now when i was pregnant with our second child……so i don’t understand that what is there that i am lacking……i to be honest don’t believe in any of the crap said above in the blog….if it was for being nice, understanding….and everything possible….i should have been the loved wife, and he should have been thankful for me being in his life as mother of his two kids……which i am not

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