The REAL Reason You’re Still Single

There are two big problems in dating.

1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.

Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?

Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.” But, as we’ve established a few hundred times on this blog, you can’t change anyone else’s thinking.

What you can change is YOU.

To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself.

But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.

This is a waste of time.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And as the furor surrounding http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/marriage/dont-judge-a-book-by-its-cover-the-truth-about-marry-him-the-case-for-settling-for-mr-good-enough-by-lori-gottlieb/ proved, nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.

But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.

There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like me, probably 7′s in looks and 9′s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9′s in looks, but 5′s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.

One of the things that I’ve often thought is that none of these men would marry someone like my wife, even though my wife is – objectively – just about the coolest woman on the planet. They’d have the same objections I did: a little too old, not a Harvard grad, blahblahblah.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that I made a CHOICE to find an amazing partner and create an amazing life – and all I had to do was give up that IMAGE that I’d had of dating a woman who was Just. Like. Me.

If you’re single, and never find anybody “good enough,” chances are that you do the exact same thing.

Today, I’m calling you out.

Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.

And that something is this:

If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9′s and 10′s who are in their late 20′s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9′s and 10′s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6′s and 7′s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself. If he can get only 6s and 7′s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7′s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.

I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.

So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own condo, runs marathons, and can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword only likes 9′s and 10′s… but those same men always a) prefer younger women or b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7′s who think she’s the bee’s knees?

Apparently not.

Because that would be settling.

And settling is bad.

Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely. Because They. Will. Not. Settle.

They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.

And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.

If you price a candy bar at $100 and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar.
If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.

Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of my Inner Circle AND a Passion Course member.

Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.

After rebranding her on Match.com, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.

Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.

Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.

Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.

I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”

Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.

Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”

Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”

So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?

“Yeah, kind of.”

I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.

By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.

I certainly have been.

Did you find this post thought-provoking? Challenging? Insightful? Then be sure to check out my eBook, “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever“.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Ellen

    Amen!  I wanted tall, dark, handsome, highly intelligent, sophisticated, cultured man…  and am falling in love with a short(ish), balding, red-haired guy (I always hated the idea of red headed men), who’s older than my target range and much shorter than I wanted. What I’m getting is the highly intelligent and the cultured part – and a guy who totally digs me and makes me happy!  What I gave up? Stuff that wasn’t that important, in the end. Me: 8. Him: 6.  It works!

  2. 2
    Goldie

    I hope someone can explain this to me – the underlying theme of this blog appears to be that we need to, well, settle. Here’s what I don’t understand. For those of us that have already been in a marriage/LTR, seems to me that we have already settled at least once. That we settled in the past, is actually the reason why we are here right now – back on the market, after spending huge amounts of time and energy to get out of a miserable relationship.
     
    What are the benefits of doing it again? I am honestly trying to understand and coming up with nothing.
     
    Is being single so bad that it has to be avoided at all costs? Personally, I rank being single probably lower than being in a good, fullfilling relationship, but way higher than being in a bad one. If we need to settle for a bad relationship, then why did we get out of our previous ones in the first place? Just so we can get back to square one, except with a different person? What’s the point? Am I missing something?

  3. 3
    Cat

    Ellen, that’s awesome!

    Goldie, Evan didn’t tell you to settle for a miserable relationship! He didn’t tell you that you can’t be happy single. But the majority of people visit this blog because they want to be in a relationship. Read Ellen’s comment to see a perfect example of what Evan is telling people to do!

  4. 4
    NN

    I agree with Goldie.
     
    Evan always talks how we should lower our standards – but I disagree, since one of the most important standard that I have is “I find man sexually interesting” – and that is where men who are interested in me fail consistantly.
    If I’m indifferent or disgusted when I am close to him, it just won’t work, so that is something I just DO NOT settle.

  5. 5
    Jackie

    Goldie–I totally agree with you. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather stay single than “settle” into a relationship.   Mainly because I had a 15 year marriage. I think people like us are less willing to “settle”.  We view singlehood as so much better than “settling”.

  6. 6
    Selena

    Goldie,
    As a long time reader of this blog, the message I get is not to settle for someone just to have a relationship – but rather, good relationships are based on more than superficial characteristics. Example: How someone treats you is more important than how tall they are.

    Evan is a dating coach, so his focus is on that, not in teaching people how to be happy single.  Though as a happy single person, I’ve found many of the premises work for this lifestyle as well.

  7. 7
    texasdarlin

    Goldie,

    I agree with Cat.   He’s not asking us to settle for something bad, but rather to look at what we are asking for.  Are our expectations too high?  Are we short changinging ourselves by not being willing to consider a man who’s a little shorter, makes a little less money, has a differernt hair or eye color, or whatever else is on our own personal lists of must haves.  I’ve never been married, but have had a few long term relationships. Are there things that I absolutley won’t tolerate ? Oh yeah, but it’s stuff like abusiveness towards other people and animals, racial and religlious intolerance, current drug use, etc.  Since I’ve read most of Evan’s stuff I’ve learned to not be so stringent in my “musts” requirements  as far as physical characteristics, salary, type of job, etc.  That is not as important to me as the other stuff and so I’ve learned to let a lot of it go.  At the moment I am literally to busy to put the time and effort I need to into finding a great guy, but I do know my great guy doesn’t necessarily have to be  6’0′ tall, with six-pack abs, blond hair and blue-eyed, make 75K, have a PhD, and a vacation home in Colorado.  (I’ve actually never been that rigid)   but he does need to treat others right, he needs to have a decent sense of humor, and he needs to be able to at least tolerate dogs. 

  8. 8
    Goldie

    Cat, from what Ellen is telling us, she settled for the looks and age group, i.e. things that are more or less superficial. She did not compromise on what’s important – intellect, culture and personality. I’m mature enough not to put much value on looks. What got me in Evan’s example was that he, the way I saw it, advised his client (and, by extension, his readers) to compromise on intellect and culture, unless I’m misunderstanding what “less sophisticated” means.
     
    I’d like to be in a relationship – heck, I’d like to see firsthand what being in a really good relationship is like – never been in one! What I don’t want to do is be in any relationship at any cost, been there done that.

  9. 9
    Karrie

    I get what Evan is trying to tell us picky women. What’s really hard for me to swallow is that I have a ton of friends who think I’m a GREAT catch and have eagerly introduced me to guys they know who are also GREAT catches ( successful, good looking, charming), but unfortunately none of these men have been interested in me.  These guys were 7 in looks, 9 in intelligence/charm, 10 in success.  I am an 8.5 in looks, 9 in intelligence/charm, 10 in success. These guys all want the 9/10 in looks. period.  So, as an intelligent woman, I need to accept that guy who is an 8/9 in charm, 8/9 in success and a 6 in looks.  If I was less intelligent, it would be easier to find a solid 8 across the board.  This is really hard to accept because I have a few very attractive girlfriends who are 9/10 in looks and these men who reject me are hot after them, even though they are less accomplished or intelligent than I am.  No, I’m no overrating myself – I didn’t chase after these men – they were introduced to me by other who thought that I was good enough for them.  Yes, I have tried very hard to give the “less impressive guys” a chance, but somehow that doesn’t work either.  I think Evan is giving good, practical advice, but at the end of the day, intelligent women do get  a bum deal.  Otherwise there wouldn’t be a need for the kind of services that Evan provides.

  10. 10
    Veronika

    Hi… It completely makes sense, but I cannot apply it to my situation. See, I’ve settled before, twice, once with a lawyer, hot, intelligent… second with a guy who was even hotter, richer, his family adored me, and he was heartbroken when I ended it 2 yrs later. The lawyer still tries time to time to get back together with me.
    Now I am crazy for this guy for about 10 months, relatively poor, not better looking than me (I give him a 7 and me too, others would give me an 8, my former two long-terms were 8 and 9) working on a helpdesk while I am a manager. So it just doesn’t make sense why it’s not happening when I read this post. Also I read the other posts about mistakes I might have made, and cannot really relate…. except for one mistake I know I made. We were close, I was the one there when he cried over a heartbreak and other stuff, then we got closer, and I said if it increases his problems than rather think it didn’t happen. I wanted him, I said this cos I didn’t want him to hurt because of me too. It was a huge mistake. But I don’t remember any other mistakes Evan mentions in his posts. So what is wrong? And why did my 7-guy settle for a 4 half yr now? Yes, 4! While he also had a 9 before, a smart blond model…. probably low self-esteem? Scared of heartbreak? Satisfies his control-freakness? He’s a scorpion after all…. I went out with other guys, lower rating than me but they annoyed me, though I gave the chance to each on multiple dates.

  11. 11
    Patti

    What I don’t understand, is why Evan thinks wanting to be attracted to your partner is being rigid. I’m not personally looking for anyone who’s a 10, or even a 7 or an 8. But I do want to date someone that I actually am interested in kissing or having sex with. If not, what am I getting into the relationship for? Because he called me back after the date? Is that the only criteria for a long-term mate? I want to get married and have a family, but not just for the sake of getting married and having a family. This to me is settling and Evan can pretty it up all he wants to make it sound like something else, but it’s settling for the sake of not being alone. He’s being talking this way since he got married… no offense, Evan. I love your advice and I think you’re spot on most of the time, but in this area… I can’t really get on board with you. I’m just not grasping whatever you’re trying to say.

    1. 11.1
      Angela

      I agree with Patty

      I do understand what Evan is saying…. About opening your choices up – But things change a lot as you get older… First there are many women in their 40′s who chose to take care of themselves and look great – men not so much…. And most men want 10 years younger… So what does that leave me with a 50 year old who didn’t keep in shape?… Sex only once in a while and taking care of him?…. I’ve tried dating guys I wasn’t physically attracted to… We’re still just friends…. Maybe I’ll just be a cougar… NOT….

  12. 12
    sayanta

    #9-

    I think it might be hard for anyone to swallow that they might not really be a 9 or 10 in anything. ;-)

    PS- I don’t believe in a ‘number’ system anyway, so this isn’t a slam.

  13. 13
    Cat

    Veronika – I think you’re confused about the term “settling.” Or am I missing how you settled on hot, rich lawyer #1 and hotter, richer, more besotted lawyer #2? :) Perhaps the poor “7″ thought that the “4″ was a 9 in areas that you’re a 4 in… Perhaps she treated him like a rich 9 rather than a poor 7?

    Maybe it’s because I don’t like math, but I honestly don’t go around attaching a numerical rating to every man I meet! Usually their attractiveness to me rises or falls as I discover their inner qualities (or lack thereof…)

  14. 14
    Selena

    @#9

    Karrie,
    Has it ever occurred to you that your compulsion to rank everyone you know/meet on 1 to 10 scales may be part of the problem? I’m serious. For me, I either connect with someone or I don’t. I’m baffled by people who go through life operating on a ranking system. Does the ranking system alter with passing decades? Because intelligence/ charm (odd grouping) may remain the same, but you can’t count on it for looks and definition of success.

  15. 15
    Selena

    Re: #13
    ” Usually their attractiveness to me rises or falls as I discover their inner qualities (or lack thereof..)

    Exactly!  Me too Cat.

  16. 16
    starthrower68

    I’ve seen pics of Evan’s wife on Facebook, although I’m not sure he has them up still, but she is a 10.

    Second, I gave a 4-month chance to a guy that was not all this or not all that; it felt like a chore to date him.  I don’t look for the 10′s or even 8′s.  If I’m into him, that will make him better looking to me.  But intelligence is not there, there is just no way I will feel chemistry.  I’ve read inteviews with Brad Pitt, and he doesn’t do it for me either.

  17. 17
    Karrie

    @#14
    Selena,
    I’m only using the ranking system because Evan used it in the article. From my experience, I’ve connected really well with a lot of different men, but have noticed that the more “successful guys” generally prefer prettier women. I’m aware that Evan wishes to inform us that “Men are more about FEELING not LOOKS”, but my experience tells me this is not entirely true. It is possible that you can connect very well with a person , BUT,  because he has plenty of options, will choose to let you go in search of greener pastures.
    To sayanta @12, I could be overrating myself. I ask that myself everyday that I look for love.  But other people regularly set me up with very successful, charming men close to my age, thinking it would be a match, so it’s not really my own opinion.
    Basically, I’ve come to the realization that I’m not good looking enough for a man my own age who is as successful as me, so my only chance of finding love is to try for an older, successful guy or a younger, less successful guy who is kind.  I think that is what Evan is trying to tell us.

  18. 18
    Goldie

    @ #7
     
    ITA about not being hung up on the man’s looks. It really is a non-issue to me. I’ve been around IT professionals all my life. “No paper bag required” is good-looking enough in my book. I’m seriously way, way past worrying about looks. In my generation, I’ve seen too many good-looking kids in their late teens/early 20s marry each other, only to split up later. A lot of us went by the looks, then proceeded to have miserable marriages. That’s a pretty impressive life lesson, so I just don’t care about looks anymore. I don’t know how commenters on this thread can even tell who’s an 8, who’s a 6 and so on. There’s probably a lower limit for me, but it’s probably fairly low. If the guy looks slightly better than Freddy Krueger, that to me is good enough. (Actually come to think of it, Robert Englund is really cute!)
     
    Now intelligence, cultural background, educational background, that is where I draw the line. Salary, even – not in and of itself, but as an indicator of one’s social standing. In my opinion, if a woman makes more than her partner, is more sucessful, has a higher social standing than her partner, then he feels intimidated. And if a man feels intimidated by his woman, no one is having a good time. That’s from my limited experience.
     

  19. 19
    isabelle_archer

    I think what Evan’s talking about is DATING, not relationships per se.  It’s a question of giving yourself a chance to fall in love with a guy you wouldn’t have thought met your criteria.  If you don’t fall in love, you don’t fall in love, but if you don’t give that “6″ a chance, you’ll never know…

  20. 20
    texasdarlin

    As I said and several others have as well, no one least of all Evan, is asking us to settle.  Go back and take a look at what he wrote about what his client wanted…basically she wanted to get the self-absorbed (talks about himself incessantly), uninterested (hasn’t followed up in  a week) guy to like her and get rid of the guy who makes her laugh and is a great kisser (sounds like chemistry and sexual attraction are there to me) and is totally into her (has followed up for 4 dates in two weeks).  Read further and she admits she’s attracted to him.  Where’s the problem here?   How is Evan asking her to settle or lower her standards?    I dont’t think anyone would disagree that sexual attraction is important but as Cat pointed out a guy can gain or lose attractiveness to me based upon their character or lack of.  I think what Evan is asking you and me to do maybe give a guy a chance if, like his client’s Bill, the guy is totally into you, is a great kisser, you are attracted to, but maybe he lacks one or two minor things that we think we want.  

  21. 21
    Mika

    Goldie,
    I agree with #19′s comment. It’s not about settling for less as far as the relationship is concerned. Evan’s point is to give a chance to those whom you perceive as ones who don’t meet your “standards”. As an example, when I first started online dating, I checked “Caucasian” check box for a potential match, but ended up falling in love with a multiracial guy that I was not even attracted to on the first date. So, again, what I think Evan is trying to say, that if your dating experience leaves you nothing but a bad taste in your mouth, until you start thinking outside the box and approach dating from a different angle, the chances are — you won’t even get to the point of building a solid, happy and satisfying LTR/marriage.

  22. 22
    texasdarlin

    @ #21  Well said. 

    @ # 18  No offense meant.  basically I have been trying to say what Mika just did and what Selena, Cat, & Ellen have

  23. 23
    R.C.

    I was just thinking about this very same issue as I was prepaing for the work week a few hours ago and this was before I checked my email and saw the title above in Evan’s blog.  I can think of a few reasons why most of us (including myself) are still single.  But before I list some of those reasons, I myself, like most people that have responded above just simply do not want to accept or settle again or at all  just for the sake of being in a relationship or married.  Life is too precious and short to continuously waste time on relationship after relationship with people who do not want nor share the same goals, interest, values, or aspirations.  That was one of the reasons why I divorced my ex-husband a few years ago.

    Yes, before we married, we did share and discussed those goals, plans, dreams and aspirations often enough but after we married somewhere along the way his goals shifted.  As I now look back on the time we were together, I had to place some of the blame on myself.  The lessons that I learned from that experience as well as the invaluable information on the net from Evan’s blogs and other websites that I read often that deals with sex, love, life and relationships, I took a long hard look in the mirror @ myself and discovered some things . 

    Those issues that I saw in the mirror motivated me to make some changes within myself. Sometimes is not about you but the person you are attracted to or would like to have and call as your own who has some issues that they are going through or trying to resolve.  If a person is lacking in certain areas in their life or is not comfortable with where they are then chances are they are going to remain single until they have reached that level.

    From my personal experience with dating after my divorce and what I came across with the few men that I dated are a few reasons why I am still single. 

    1)Non-committal – Serial dater or short term dater
    2)Priorities are not in order
    3)Unresolved issues that affects future relationships
    4) Multiple women -FWB, Casual Relationships
    5) Low  motivation
    6) Lack character
    7) Poor communicator
    8) Lacks interest or effort
    9) Lack commonalities
    10)Lack connection

  24. 24
    JuJu

    I can’t even imagine applying an Ivy League degree as a standard. Any individual that actually has that criterion, frankly, would not seem truly intelligent to me (or to be a good person).
     
    Physical attraction, however, is either there or it’s not. I don’t know how it can be “cultivated”. It doesn’t mean the man has to be a 10 (for me), he just has to be acceptable in this regard. And good in bed, of course.

  25. 25
    Evan Marc Katz

    Before I go to sleep, I want to thank the readers who have defended me against things that I’ve never said before (i.e. you should settle, any relationship is better than no relationship, you should be with a man you’re not attracted to). The reason I’m posting now is to challenge the women who have been challenged by this post to do something different.

    Instead of reflexively explaining what’s wrong with MEN that causes you to remain single, take a second to consider what’s wrong with YOU.

    Why would a highly desirable man not want to settle down with you? Or, if you’re a man. why would a desirable woman not want to be with you?

    Only in tapping into your humility will you really be able to appreciate the virtues of a partner. Only by focusing on good qualities instead of bad ones will you learn to be content. Only by realizing that compromising and settling are two entirely different concepts can you get back into a happy relationship.

    EVERYONE in a great relationship compromises.

    Those who have settled before and refuse to do it again are missing the point. It’s not to get you into a miserable relationship, for Chrissakes. It’s to illustrate that by refusing to make compromises on certain things, you how you can stay single FOREVER. And if you prefer being single to the compromises that, say, I had to make to become happily married, good for you. Just don’t pretend that there aren’t TONS of quality guys out there who would make solid husbands.

    If you think that you’re such an amazing catch, you have never remotely considered the dozens of reasons that men would not choose to date you.

    I encourage anyone reading this to make a list of 20 reasons someone wouldn’t date you. I did this with Lori Gottlieb in her book as well. When you’re done with your list, you’ll now have 20 reasons that you should consider compromising.

    You can thank me when you’re married.

  26. 26
    brooksie

    Why would a desirable man not want to be with me? When I was younger, I blamed it on the fact that I don’t want children. I kept meeting men who wanted kids. Of all the things you can’t compromise on, that’s the big one.
    Now I’m in my 40s and it’s not reasonable for men to expect me to have their children, and I’m not turning down men who want to be with me. I’m literally not meeting any men who want to be with me. I’m not ruling out men for shallow reasons — in the past, if anything, I’ve stayed with noncommittal, distant men far too long because I was afraid they were the best I could do. I’ve broken that habit, at least, but warm, caring, emotionally available men don’t seem to be showing up to fill the vacuum, at least not yet. I’m starting to think maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.

  27. 27
    Anette

    Lol!! You’re awesome Evan.

    I did exactly this a few years back.I thought through(didn’t write them down) the reasons a guy, (especially the kind of guy I would have liked) wouldn’t want to be with me. It was quite a long list..hahah!!

    Some of it, I realized I had to change(life-style changes). It was a very good exercise, because strangely enough it also changed my idea of what I wanted. All the ideas I had in my head were completely wrong.

    Realizing that those “perfect” guys wouldn’t have wanted to date me, made ME realize I didn’t actually want to date them. Crazy the stuff we convince ourselves of. I also realize what I could easily compromise on and yeah, it’s pretty necessary really.

  28. 28
    Selena

    One can have long  *must haves*,  dealbreakers, and “I’m single because these things are wrong with men” lists, but there really is only ONE criteria:

    Does he make you feel good to be with him?

    That’s it.  You focus on that one quality and all the lists become irrelevant.

    If you choose instead to believe you can only feel good with someone who meets the criteria on your lists, then the lists themselves become the impediment to opening yourself up to finding someone with whom you feel good.

    And ironically, the key to contentment being single is not having a list of what you perceive to be wrong with the opposite gender.  That’s just keeping your baggage close beside you to constantly trip over.

  29. 29
    Jane

    Ok Evan.
    20 Reasons a Quality Guy Close to My Age  Wouldn’t Want to Date Me:
    1. am 37 and that is  a big negative if the guy wants some time to “have fun” before popping out the kids.
    2. Though I am impeccably and stylishly dressed and have a fantastic body and a pretty enough face, my “look” may not be for all me.
    3. I am a perfectionist.
    4. Sometimes I get depress and withdraw
    5. I am unpredictable, restless
    6. I get disappointed easily, though I try hard to hide it
    7. I’m too intellectual. I have a high IQ. I get bored easily.
    8. I look like I’m stiff in bed ( though I’m not at all, according to most guys I’ve been with)
    9. I have unresolved emotional issues with my family
    10.I am bitter
    11. I resent those carefree, happy girls, who seem to have it easier with men.
    12. I am a very funny person- BUT I can be untactful
    13. I’m too eccentric
    14.I’m more worldly than most men
    15.I secretly find most men ugly and resent that the goodlooking ones have better options than me.
    16. My moral standards are too high when evaluating men. Even I don’t meet my own moral standards.
    17.I obsess about my looks
    18. I haven’t handled money well
    19. I don’t come across as the nurturing type
    20. I am fake. Outwardly I try to appear as a person who sees the best in others, but internally, I just think most people are selfish without realizing it.
    So, there you go Evan, 20 of my faults. I’m your typical perfectionist woman who looks great, but can’t land a guy cuz I’m not warm and nurturing enough and just downright bitter.
    I have been following your advice. I tried for a year to make it work with a guy who didn’t “do it” for me, but was none the less, kind and accepting.
    In fact, I’ve been trying for the past 3 years to do that.  Feels good to be in a secure relationship, but in the end…. it’s still your typical story: Women do get a bum deal because biology is not in their favor.
    That doesn’t mean that you can’t fall in love and find happiness, but  if you just look at it objectively, what all women need to hear is exactly Lori Gottlieb’s message: Forget about finding someone whom you think is your “equal”, but instead, take the guy who finds you a “catch”. Chances are, you are overrating yourself because you forget that time is not on your side.  Start focusing on kindness, compassion and tolerance as criteria for evaluating men.  Yes, yes, got it.  Here’s something to think about: a 47 year old man would treat me exceptionally well- attentive, kind, generous- all those great traits that should make him  a keeper. HOWEVER, that same guy might not treat a 45 year old woman with the same kind of respect.  I guess with my attitude, I’ll never get married.
     
     

  30. 30
    Veronika

    To Cat, #13

    Thanks for your reply though it did make me feel really bad.  I just used the numbers because it was used in Evan’s post and no I did not mean I settled with a 9, I meant I could get a 9 (maybe my non-native english is the problem?) I agree with inner qualities matter more, I only used it because it was in the post and do not use a 1 to 10 scale in my life to rate the men I meet (I don’t use any scale at all cos I don’t rate them this way, it clicks or it doesn’t click, that’s it).  To defend myself, I wanted to reason why the post does not apply to my situation. For some reason I felt that I have to defend myself now.

    To be honest, I treated him like a prince. And he would confirm that, he said it himself. So that is not the reason. The “4″ you defended went around lying to my friends etc about me and him after he started seeing her and he doesn’t even know. I am such a bad person that I didn’t tell him. Cos I saw he was finally getting better and didn’t want to ruin it for him.

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