The REAL Reason You’re Still Single

There are two big problems in dating.

1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.

Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?

Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.” But, as we’ve established a few hundred times on this blog, you can’t change anyone else’s thinking.

What you can change is YOU.

To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself.

But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.

This is a waste of time.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And as the furor surrounding http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/marriage/dont-judge-a-book-by-its-cover-the-truth-about-marry-him-the-case-for-settling-for-mr-good-enough-by-lori-gottlieb/ proved, nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.

But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.

There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like me, probably 7′s in looks and 9′s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9′s in looks, but 5′s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.

One of the things that I’ve often thought is that none of these men would marry someone like my wife, even though my wife is – objectively – just about the coolest woman on the planet. They’d have the same objections I did: a little too old, not a Harvard grad, blahblahblah.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that I made a CHOICE to find an amazing partner and create an amazing life – and all I had to do was give up that IMAGE that I’d had of dating a woman who was Just. Like. Me.

If you’re single, and never find anybody “good enough,” chances are that you do the exact same thing.

Today, I’m calling you out.

Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.

And that something is this:

If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9′s and 10′s who are in their late 20′s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9′s and 10′s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6′s and 7′s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself. If he can get only 6s and 7′s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7′s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.

I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.

So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own condo, runs marathons, and can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword only likes 9′s and 10′s… but those same men always a) prefer younger women or b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7′s who think she’s the bee’s knees?

Apparently not.

Because that would be settling.

And settling is bad.

Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely. Because They. Will. Not. Settle.

They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.

And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.

If you price a candy bar at $100 and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar.
If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.

Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of my Inner Circle AND a Passion Course member.

Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.

After rebranding her on Match.com, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.

Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.

Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.

Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.

I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”

Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.

Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”

Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”

So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?

“Yeah, kind of.”

I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.

By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.

I certainly have been.

Did you find this post thought-provoking? Challenging? Insightful? Then be sure to check out my eBook, “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever“.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Mike

    Evan wasn’t saying women should settle. Why do women in particular always use the word “settle” whenever anyone mentions stepping outside their very rigid list of must haves for a man? All he was saying us maybe women should start to broaden their search criteria a little.
    I have a few single women friends who have such a rigid list of must haves for a guy, that I tell them all the time he doesn’t exist.
    I am 41 and from my experiences over the years, most women i know don’t end up falling in love with a guy that is even close to the one they have built up in their minds.
    Ladies losen up on the rigid criteria a little and you may just find the love you are searching for.
     
     

  2. 122
    starthrower68

    Mike,

    I would submit to you that it’s not just women who don’t want to “settle”; Evan himself says men cannot resist the hot woman who might be crazy.  We all want what we want, right or wrong.

  3. 123
    IceQueen

    This is smart, rational advice. Evan is just being considerate.
    However, what if you physically can’t settle? There has to be a sexual attraction. And it might appear even with a nerdy guy after a while..
    But the point is.. if I give up on the guys looks… then what else is left? He already makes pretty much the same as you (for me the money doesn’t matter much). What’s in it for you? Let’s say you’re a 7… so you pick a guy who’s a 6 with an average income and no spark and ambition. I guess it’s only kindness that’s left there. Which is a great virtue, but it’s too unromantic… it’s better to just stay single then.
    Evan at least tells the same thing to the guys.. don’t aspire for a 9/10.. if you’re just good, but not superb. I wonder if most people would tell a guy to “settle” for a 4/5 looks wise or an older woman…

  4. 124
    Karl R

    IceQueen asked: (#124)
    “I wonder if most people would tell a guy to “settle” for a 4/5 looks wise or an older woman…”

    OkCupid had a fairly recent article that recommended men date older women.
    http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an-older-woman/

    Men don’t generally offer dating advice to their male friends. They would be more likely to point out that a friend was “out of his league” if he was pursuing someone substantially more attractive than himself.

    If a childless man does not want kids, I would strongly recommend he pursue older women. Most younger women want kids. By the time you get to the mid-40s, a lot more women don’t want kids, and their existing kids have left home. (I ran stats off Match.com.)

    IceQueen asked: (#124)
    “if I give up on the guys looks… then what else is left? He already makes pretty much the same as you (for me the money doesn’t matter much). What’s in it for you?”

    What precisely do you want out of a relationship? Is it just sex with a hottie? If you’re a 7 in looks, you could have multiple “friends with benefits” without ever having to bother with the complication of a relationship. Do you want attractive arm candy when you go out? I’m sure you could find some of the same men who would happily go to those events if you were paying their way … especially if they could expect the usual “benefits” at the end of the date.

    Do you want something that you can only get from a long-term relationship? If not, then it makes a lot more sense to stay single.

  5. 125
    IceQueen

    Karl,
     
    It certainly isn’t just sex with a hottie that I want out of a relationship. Sex with a hottie I can get without a relationship. And I wouldn’t have to pay a guy to go out with me :) it seems that you are projecting male thinking on me :) women aren’t that interested in status symbols so they usually don’t want arm candy.
    I want family and a good partner. I would be living with that person daily, contributing, sharing, compromising. So I would like that person to be appealing and physically attractive. Maybe it’s too much too ask. But, oh well, that’s what I want.

  6. 126
    IceQueen

    Oh, and I wanted to add that I certainly do appreciate kindness (maybe I didn’t sound right in the previous comment). Kindness is underrated and is certainly a fantastic quality.

  7. 127
    No Crap

    @ monica #34 “. . . the more willing you are to stay single, the less you’ll need to compromise.”
    This!
    I have been celibate for the last 4 years, and before then, (mistakenly) became sexually involved with one loser I thought I loved after having been celibate for 12 years.  Never, ever again.
    I am just not willing to compromise with Mr. Whatever-I-Can-Get just for the sake of “having a man.”  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a man who treats me decently, is willing to be faithful, doesn’t expect me to support him financially or be his surrogate mommy, and is able to carry on a conversation about something besides some hot babe with implants and a thong.  Seriously.
    And if what I want is unattainable because I’m not a) 22 years old b) size zero c) willing to put out or put up with any crap a man dishes out, and I wind up spending the rest of my life alone, so be it.
    Men are not all that, and being alone isn’t so bad, especially if the alternative is to spend my life worshipping at some 100-year-old loser’s feet because he has a Y-chromosome and deigned to give me the right time of day after the PYT he really wanted spent all his money and then laughed in his wrinkled-ass face.
    If more women felt like I do, men would have to shape up.  Men act the way they do because women let them get away with it. Period.
    I’m sure I’ll hear every man-hating bitter bitch name in the book, but it matters not to me.  It is what it is.

  8. 128
    C.

    Hmm, I think this thread has been dead for a while, but even if no one reads it, I think I should write my list of faults so I can see it glaring back at me. Ok, maybe not “faults”, but things that may make me undesirable to some men.
    1. I can be bossy
    2. I can be bratty, stubborn and pouty
    3. I’m very punctual and expect that in others/I like to make plans and stick to schedule/not very spontaneous or “go w/ the flow”
    4. I’m very frugal and responsible and expect my mate to be the same
    5. I’ve had a lot of sex partners/weakness for younger guys..
    6. ..but I want a conventional life with kids
    7. While I’m very good at taking care of pets and children, I’m not very tolerant of grown men when they act like babies (ie when they are sick)
    8. I don’t like to cook, and perhaps because my father did all the cooking for my family, I see it as a man’s job
    9. I don’t like arguments, so I tend to cry with confronted with criticism from a partner, rather than discussing it maturely
    10. I like to pick the movies we watch
    11. I expect guys to know when something is wrong/read my mind
    12. I don’t tolerate smoking or drugs
    13. I look younger than my age of 31, partly because of my clothes (jeans, tees, chucks) but I also have a childlike face–think Ellen Page
    14. I have 4 tattoos
    15. I’m an A cup, and refuse to get implants
    16. I don’t like jewelry, heels or nail polish (but getting better here)
    17. I often give my opinion when it was not asked of me
    18. I like alone time during the week, but expect a boyfriend to have his weekends free for me
    19. Probably have some family issues not addressed
    20. Not yet living up to my full potential career-wise
    Whew. Ok. I did it. Definitely some things here I need to work on…

  9. 129
    Goldie

    @ Kat #78. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I have only just found your comment.
     
    “From my experience as a middle-aged divorcee, it think men want to be respected, nurtured, loved, accepted for who they are, appreciated and — biggie here — f@#ked. Evan, am I off the mark here?
    If you truly believe you need to dumb yourself down for that, then I wish you a lot of luck finding a mate.”
     
    From *my* experience as a middle-aged divorcee, ITA with your list. Whether I need to dumb myself down for that, depends on the man. If his idea of intellectual activity is switching to Discovery Channel for fifteen minutes, and his idea of sophistication is drinking a dark beer instead of a Bud Light, then heck yeah I need to dumb myself down for him – because in all honesty, I cannot respect an intellectual slob. I can probably pretend to respect him, though I don’t see the point.
     
    Luckily, I find there are plenty of men in the dating pool that I have no problem respecting. So, thanks for the good wishes, but I think I’m doing alright so far. I just don’t see the point in settling for someone who bores you to tears when there are plenty of interesting guys around. And, the guy that bores *you* to tears could be perfect for some other woman, so why hold on to him? Set him free.
     
    The reason why I left all those comments on this thread was because the original article left me with an impression that it calls for panicking, making knee-jerk decisions, and grabbing the first available guy that comes along, just so we’re with *someone*. I still think this would be a disservice for both the woman and the guy she “settles for” in this way, and really hope that I’d misread the article. If it is, instead, about being realistic and not choosing someone who’s unattainable, because he’s miles out of your league in whichever way, then I’m all for it.

  10. 130
    Goldie

    IceQueen #124, I find that personality, compatibility, intellect, positive attitude to life, the kindness that you mention, etc etc. compensate for looks in way that, after a while, the man appears attractive regardless of how he actually looks. I also find that the hottest guy, after a while, will come across as hideous if he doesn’t have any of the above and/or treats me badly. IMO looks are overrated. They change, they fade, you get used to them when you live with the person for years. Then again, what do I know, I’ve lived and worked around nerds all my life :)

  11. 131
    Zaq

    I am a man
    I am single because option 3
    The people I want DO want me – and they are all married
    There are lots of them

    Its only the single people I want, that do not want me.

    It couldn’t be that single women over value themselves ?
    Is that why they are single ?
    There are a couple of women I know that do not want me, but can’t get a date with anyone else

    CONFUSED

  12. 132
    Haks

    Well, it takes courage to list my 20 reasons i wouldnt date me but here goes:-
    1.  Am too independent .
    2  Unresolved issues from the past
    3.  not very trusting
    4.  i sometimes give my opinion even when i shouldnt.
    5.  i dont express my feeling easily even when somebody wrongs me and i tend to hold on the hurt  for sometimes.
    6. I tend to sweat out the small, insignificant matter.
    7.  i dont make decisions easily and tend to research too much before i make a decision
    8.  I dont like cooking and would prefer if my boyfriend would do it  (he is a good cook)
    9.  I tend to keep to myself when around strangers prefering the tried and tested small group of people
    10.  i could be easily swayed.
    11.  I expect a guy to read my mind and do what i want – rather what am thinking
    12.  I give sex way too quickly if i “love” the guy ( am working on this)
    13.  I dont stand my ground on matters i believe in or i think are worth fighting for.
    14.  I would rather walk away than have to argue or let him win in one
    15.  I rarely dress up for my date and prefer the comfort of jeans and t-shirts, even though he says i look pretty sexy in skirts and dresses.
    16.  am not living up to my full potential (am getting there though)
    17.  i act unperturbed even when i know something is not well with our relationship.
    18.  am very poor at keeping time. (am working on this coz it seems to spread to my workplace)
    19.  I tend to mother my guy sometimes unknowingly wich is something i do  with people very close to me.
    20.  i expect the guy to call me all the time and rarely make the effort to call…actually its more of i demand that he be the one that calls.
    Phew!
    Not a very easy exercise to do but it does give an inside look at myself and work on a number of things.
     
     
     

  13. 133
    Melissa

    While I know it tends to be true that people are often attracted to others of the same attractiveness…ie 7′s attracted to 7s, I am not fat and disgusting and the men who tend to message me on dating sites are “fat and gross”.  I’m being quite serious.  In fact, I tend to not be into the “hot” guy that some of my friends are as they tend to have a big head.  But I don’t understand why all the men who seem to be attracted to me are seriously over weight.  I am not a size 2 and don’t want to be either but I am not seriously over weight.  I am a size 8 but the men want the “toothpicks”.  It so happens that I am attracted to thin men, the ones my friends think are “too thin”, so all these men who look like they do nothing but sit around and drink beer and eat pizza aren’t cutting it for me.  

  14. 134
    Julia

    @Melissa I feel you with not wanting hot men, I am also a size 8. My advice for you is to message the men YOU like. I have always had much more success messaging men first, you are doing the choosing and soon those fat/old/gross guys will be a small minority of the messages you are receiving.

    Stop using your weight, which is an average size, as an excuse. Most men will choose the size 2 out of a crowd but would be delighted with size 4/8/10/14….

  15. 135
    Melissa

    @Julia, 

    I do message the men who interest me and most often don’t get a reply.  I am not using my weight as an excuse…actually the äverage”is size 14 so I am smaller than that.  I don’t think 8 is big at all.  What I don’t understand is why 9 out of 10 men who message me are men who are seriously overweight.  Starting to make me think men consider me fat when I am far from fat. 

  16. 136
    Julia

    @Melissa I want to ask some more questions to see if we can find a solution, you deserve better than you are getting right now!

    Are the men you are messaging all 9s & 10s? are you messaging 6s, 7s and 8s too? How many men do you message a week? 

  17. 137
    Melissa

    @Julia,
    I don’t message any men I would consider “9s and 10s” in the looks department.  As I said above, I have found I don’t usually like the personalities that go with the amazing looks.  I prefer the “average” man but men who are thin.  I actually have an ex I met yrs ago on a dating site that I was not attracted to physically at all, but I was attracted to his intelligence.  I wouldn’t have taken a second look at him had I passed him on the street.  He didn’t have a picture posted and wouldn’t provide one before we met.  I met him anyways given the conversations we had online. We ended up spending two years together.   So no, looks is not what I look for, other than I have no attraction at all to men with huge “beer guts”.  Unfortunately those are the men who message me. 
    I used to send out a number of messages a week, maybe 5-12 a week.  Most never replied and some who did turned me off in the first message or two with their silly “hey baby” lines.  Lately, I find the dating sites are “same old, same old” very quickly.  It’s the same profiles and same men, over and over again.  Sadly, many of the same men who were there 7 yrs ago, with the exact same pics, are still there.  Given that is the case, I don’t find a lot of men I want to contact anymore.  I don’t live in a huge city.  I am not in a tiny town either but there are only so many options and “same old, same old” isn’t cutting it.  
    I met my last bf on a dating site and I came across his profile when he was new to the site.  So sometimes now that is what I do… look at the new profiles, rather than ones I have seen 100 times already.   I might message 3-5 people a week now. 

  18. 138
    Gena

    I totally agree that we connect with who we connect with. I have met men at work, etc who I may not have been initially attracted to but once I got to know them, they grew on me. I think the big issue with online dating (aside from the many married-and-pretending-not-to-bees and psychos) is that it is totally superficial and artificial. You decide in a click of a mouse if you are interested in someone (and they in you) based on a 1-dimensional profile. This leads to a very awkward start that is hard to get past in real life. As for we women in the 40+ crowd, we are at a clear disadvantage. I look much younger than my age (10-15 yrs by all accounts- thanks to genetics and lifestyle) and frequently get hit on by much younger men who don’t seem to care when I tell them I am 44. While flattering, there is no common ground. Most of us just want someone of our own generation, but many men in our age group are chasing after the 25 yr olds because they can and of course, biology (they wasted their youth as players and now need a 25 yr old so they can sire a child at 47,  go figure). It does not seem fair that we must be relegated to dating 60 yr olds because to them we are comparatively young.I think Evan needs to educate the men out there, too. Why do women have to do all the compromising? Most of us have careers, homes, and full lives. I want a partner, not a project. I would rather be single than with someone I settled for to avoid being alone. I also agree with many of the women that the same losers are always on the dating sites and despite being overweight, underemployed, bald and jerks, they still think they deserve Brooklyn Decker, go figure. so even w/ relaxed standards, there are still slim pickins out there.

  19. 139
    bbbetty

    Oh boy! This is gonna hurt but I was married for 25 years to a guy that was seemingly nice and stable. The thing is, the sexual chemistry was off from the start. He was more attracted to me than I was to him. I had been with a man I was very attracted to before and he ended up cheating on me. So, I went with Mr. Goodman. Only, it turned out he wasn’t so good after all. Just better at hiding it. I am now single and I like my own company plus I’m learning about who I am outside the shadow of a domineering male. That is good for me. If I’m not sure of myself and what I need why the heck am I going to pull another person into the confusion? Do I want to date? I’m thinking about it. But, I don’t want another “relationship” based on what I had before. I spent a lot of time feeling sexually frustrated because, no matter what I did, I just couldn’t feel that chemistry with my partner. And it got much worse when he started to take me for granted and cheat, oh yes, Mr. Goodman cheated too. Attraction, whether we like it or not, is important. And settling for what you think might be Mr. I’m Gonna Treat You Right and fix it for you, is not always what it’s cracked up to be either. Go ahead and settle, but there is no guarantee he will continue to behave well. There’s a lot of folks messing around out there, especially on the on-line dating sites like Match.com. My ex was one of them. In fact, her was on while we were still married.

  20. 140
    Dave

    Note: this is a male opinion.
    I had a slightly different take-away from this article.  Katz isn’t asking anyone to settle on qualities that are the typical ingredients of attractiveness (height, physique, income, education, intelligence, etc). 
    What he’s saying is that you’ve got to discard your notions of what “type” of man/woman is supposed to meet that ideal.  If you’ve been mis-educated to believe there is a specific “right man” or “right woman” that you’re “supposed” to be with, you need to un-learn this and start from scratch. 
    In my 20s, I was convinced my ideal was Asian.  I was dead wrong.  In my 30s, I thought she had to be a successful blonde who wore heels and looked great in a cocktail dress.  Again, wrong.
    When I hit my 40s, I wised up.  I gave a 40 year old slightly overweight women working in hospice care a chance.  She’s brunette, doesn’t look like the platinum stunning blondes in the magazines.  And you know what?  I noticed many other physical attributes I found extremely attractive.  Then I actually got to know her…she’s funny, interesting, witty, and loves sci-fi movies just like me!  Who knew.  I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled.
    It started by me simply looking at “attractiveness” in a different way.
    -Dave

  21. 141
    Jessie

    Why are you women listing your faults?????   I think that’s the problem with not finding a man.  If you don’t value yourself, how do you expect anyone else to value you.   As for the blog.   I took it as we should settle.  I will not and I think it’s really emotionally self destructive to tell women that they should do that.   I think the problem is NOT that the men we want don’t want us and the men we don’t want do.  I think it’s more that we have higher standards with the men who we are not really attracted to.  With the men we want, we tend to lower ourselves to be/do anything that we think would make them like us more.   Pretty sad.

  22. 142
    Kevin

    Here’s a thought: if you accepted the 2nd/3rd/4th date, you clearly thought this guy/gal may be mating material. But if after a few more dates or a few months, you change your mind, the problem isn’t him/her – it’s you!
    Most people don’t get less attractive over a short period of time. We just devalue them in OUR mind. We look for reasons NOT to be sexually attracted (which, after all, is the bottom line). And when you go looking for people’s faults, you are sure to find them.
    So for you women (and men) who claim to just need someone who doesn’t make you feel “indifferent” when you kiss, try giving it some time and maybe do a little better job of kissing on your end. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to create sexual chemistry.

  23. 143
    Lady Z

    The one thing that I have always wanted to know is how can a woman get her vagina to cooperate with her mind? I do know about the ego factor- being embarrassed about what others may think of your man—- But the million dollar question that not even EMK can’t seem to touch is A WOMAN’S SEXUAL ATTRACTION. Check out what Juju said in post #42.
    I cannot, and if someone else can please show me- How a woman overvaluing herself has ANYTHING to do with who she GETS TURNED ON BY. So yes, we can use our heads, we can make our list of 20 faults to give us a better perspective of ourselves, I have no illusions about where I fall in the category that is most important to men. LOOKS. I am like a 5 or 6.
    The problem isn’t that I am embarrassed, or that I think I’m too good, or that I have unrealistic “checklist” that a man has to live up to.
    The problem is that the only place I would settle is in sex! My vagina just won’t cooperate with my head! And what does this mean? Its means that men who ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR a long term relationship or marriage are the ones that make my panties wet. I can’t control this. So Evan, if you know the magic secret for how a woman can become viscerally turned on by an “appropriate” man, please do tell!
    Because I think that is the Elephant in the room that no one wants to point out, its not about a man’s height, income, intellect ect. in and of itself, those things are simply INDICATORS OF HOW HE CAN TURN USA ON. So that why EMK gets so much reisitance in this blog, but none of the ladies want to come out and say it—- its female hypergamy at its finest, and making a list of our faults ain’t gonna rewire our vaginas.
    I think a lot of women need two men, I know that if I could make the world the way I wanted I would have it that way— You would have your suitable guy for marriage and a Alpha for sex. But to get both in one man? For a woman who is only a 5 in looks? Yeah right.

  24. 144
    Anony

     
    Here are my 20 FAULTS:
    1) 25 yo virgin (NO BASES TOUCHED!)
    2) Can be socially awkward (though often I think people just have a bad first impression of me)
    3) No job (currently unemployed) / no career trajectory
    4) Virtually no post secondary education (been coasting in community college for 7 years)
    5) No friends
    6) No “intellectually stimulating” interest 
    7) Not committed to any activities nor do I have any hobbies (never have)
    8) Not well-versed in any one thing nor can I chime in/ offer a little input on an array of topics
    9) Overweight (5’5″, 215 lbs)
    10) Average, at best, in looks
    11) Can’t type 
    12) As of now, can’t drive (haven’t accomplished much at all, actually)
    13) Extremely insecure (if that’s not evident at this point)
    14) I watch crappy tv, indulge in silly celeb gossip
    15) Lazy, not ambitious
    16) Unkempt in appearance (which is somewhat disappointing because I have a sense of style)
    17) Clingy, can be read as desperate
    18) Very hairy (yeah I can be superficial  but I’m not exaggerating with this fault)
    19) Going to revisit the point of my lack of sexual or relationship experience. It hinders more than anyone in my life realizes
    20) I’m sensitive and can take this to heart rather easily
    BONUS: I live in the past ALL THE TIME! Like any NEGATIVE opinion ANY HAS EVER HAVE OF ME I NEVER FORGET!
     
    This is not a “woe is me” list nor I am really seeking sympathy. I just need to put it down/ let it out because I often have a hard time even admitting some of these things in my head
     

  25. 145
    E

    @Lady Z post #144
    AMEN! My exact problem! And the issue that no one seems to be able to help me with. Please somebody invent a pill or a surgery that can make me attracted to “nice” guys.
    Men don’t seem to understand female sexual feelings. Or at least, my male friends can’t comprehend my problems when we talk about relationships.
    “Why are you attracted to assholes? That doesn’t make sense.”
    “I don’t know! If I could change it, good god I would!”
    “So try having sex with the nice guys, maybe they’ll be good at it, you never know.”
    But that’s just it..It’s not about being ‘good’ per se, like knowing positions and techniques. This is where men disconnect and stop understanding the female perspective – they think it’s all about pressing the right button, but it’s not (well ok, you have to know that stuff but that’s not the whole picture). It’s just this raw animalistic thing of just being able to totally let go with that person. Nothing else matters in the moment. It’s a mental reaction rather than physical.
    Assholes can totally tap into that because they literally DON’T care about anything else in that moment.
    I am totally on the bandwagon of everyone gets two men, I have often had that thought. ;P
    Ah well, I’ll just hold out until they invent sex robots, that will solve everyone’s problems, LOL.

  26. 146
    Sparkling Emerald

    E @ 146  – Ah well, I’ll just hold out until they invent sex robots, that will solve everyone’s problems, LOL.
     
    They have been invented, they’re called vibrators.  But they can’t completely replace a man, ‘cuz they don’t kill bugs or do lawn work  ;)

  27. 147
    Synchronize Your Dogmas

    E @146
    Lady Z @144
     
    Interesting opinions. Go online and check the Sexy Son Hypotheses, quite an interesting read. I have a friend that is a complete jerk with women, but sleeps around with something like 2 – 3 different girls a month (we work in a 800+ employee company, with a huge intern turnover). I err on the nice guy side, and I’m looking for a relationship after my last one collapsed. After reading so many comments from the female readers, voicing their opinion that the ability to get their panties wet was a must (I apologize for the language – and as much biased as I obviously am, I know that I’m a better catch than my friend the jerk, but he’s got game), I can only assume that I must change my strategy at approaching women, and behave like my friend, given that being a jerk apparently has more dividends than being a nice guy. The only question is if I’m comfortable at being such a person… Thoughts?
     
    Sexy son hypotheses: “(…)the sexy son hypothesis implies that a potential mate’s capacity as a caregiver or any other direct benefits the male can offer the female (e.g. nuptial gifts, good territory) are irrelevant to his value as the potential father of the female’s offspring. What matters are her “sexy sons”‘ future breeding successes (like that of their promiscuous father) in creating large numbers of offspring carrying copies of the female’s genes.” (cit)

  28. 148
    J

    @148 No, I don’t think becoming a jerk is the right strategy. Women sleep with that guy at your job *despite* the fact that he is a jerk, not *because* he is a jerk. Women aren’t sleeping with you right now *despite* the fact you are a nice guy, not *because* of it. Lots of people get hung up on that, but i dont believe that’s the key.
    You mention that the girls in question are interns- so that makes them fairly young, like early 20′s right? Most of them may not be in the market for ltr’s- you’ve got to know your audience.
    The guy at your job is giving ( or appears to have the potential to give) these women something that is important to them, more important than whether he is a jerk or not,  and that’s why they are interested. You can try that same strategy or, if they don’t want what you have to offer, don’t worry about them and focus on women that do. They may not be in the majority but surely they exist. 

  29. 149
    Lady Z

    @ Syncronize Your Dogmas #148
    You said: “… I know that I’m a better catch than my friend the jerk, but he’s got game…”
    This sentiment and belief is echoed throughout the “manoshpere” of internet forums and PUA sites. The thing is, you are a good catch in YOUR OWN EYES. And guess what? You are a MAN! So unless you are gay, and want to attract men, maybe you would want to consider what women consider a good catch is. That’s what game is. Your doing the same thing modern women do and the population that EMK caters to, when women are so confused that thier college degrees, independance and intellect don’t turn men on. Then they look at a very feminine, waitress and put her down and accuse men of only wanting dumb women. The problem is that todays sexes have forgotten that we are a COMPLIMENTARY species. We needs to think in terms of what the other sex wants, not our own image that we are pleased with. There are universal traits that men find attractive in women and that women find attractive in men. Conversely, there are universal traits that men find unnatractive in women and that women find unnatractive in men. Game is simple. Stop doing the unnatractive stuff and start doing the attractive stuff. The biggest lie of our age is that the opposite sex should be turned on by us simply for us “being who we are”— Its an insiduious lie that does nothing but cause trouble. My relationship life improved once I realized that trying to get a hot man to become attracted to me while I was 290 pounds was like expecting to go to a 5 star steak house an order a big mac. So Mr.Nice guy, you can live in your head all you want- But how do we know that your buddy is really a “jerk”? Remember, I am not so quick to take it from you because your a guy judging another guy. And not only that, its a guy that is sleeping with women and your not! If I met your buddy, would I see him as a jerk or as a dude who “makes my panties wet”? And when I met you, would I find you even more pathetic for trying to one-up your “jerk” buddy, by calling him so? The one thing Beta males do better than anything is go around hating on guys who get what they cant have.

  30. 150
    Samantha

    I’m shocked by the narcissism in these comments. I came to this article after cringing at a woman whom I overheard saying “I’m single because I refuse to settle!” She said it with such indignation, and I’ll be honest, she wasn’t the bees knees. So I googled “the real reason you are single.” At 35 and recently dumped I’ve been finding the candidate pool out there a little murky. Thank God for this article. I’ve always been one to be attracted to the ones who I deem, in some respect, better than me. Pretty hard to do when you think pretty highly of yourself. I want to end this cycle and start looking at the guys who are there for me and are kind, affectionate, and loving. I’m in therapy to heal whatever it is inside me that wants to keep me pining for a man’s attention day in and day out, and to love myself enough to appreciate the ones who love me too. 

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