The REAL Reason You’re Still Single

There are two big problems in dating.

1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.

Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?

Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.” But, as we’ve established a few hundred times on this blog, you can’t change anyone else’s thinking.

What you can change is YOU.

To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself.

But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.

This is a waste of time.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And as the furor about Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him proved, nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.

But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.

There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like me, probably 7’s in looks and 9’s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9’s in looks, but 5’s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.

One of the things that I’ve often thought is that none of these men would marry someone like my wife, even though my wife is – objectively – just about the coolest woman on the planet. They’d have the same objections I did: a little too old, not a Harvard grad, blahblahblah.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that I made a CHOICE to find an amazing partner and create an amazing life – and all I had to do was give up that IMAGE that I’d had of dating a woman who was Just. Like. Me.

If you’re single, and never find anybody “good enough,” chances are that you do the exact same thing.

Today, I’m calling you out.

Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.

And that something is this:

If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9’s and 10’s who are in their late 20’s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9’s and 10’s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6’s and 7’s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself. If he can get only 6s and 7’s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7’s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.

I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.

So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own condo, runs marathons, and can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword only likes 9’s and 10’s… but those same men always a) prefer younger women or b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7’s who think she’s the bee’s knees?

Apparently not.

Because that would be settling.

And settling is bad.

Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely. Because They. Will. Not. Settle.

They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.

And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.

If you price a candy bar at $100 and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar.

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.

Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of Love U.

Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.

After rebranding her on Match.com, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.

Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.

Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.

Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.

I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”

Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.

Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”

Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”

So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?

“Yeah, kind of.”

I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.

By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.

I certainly have been.

Did you find this post thought-provoking? Challenging? Insightful? Then be sure to check out my eBook, “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever“.

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Comments:

  1. 211
    Bob

    Sometimes I feel that at 52 the best yeas are gone. I was once a 9 now I’m grey and 20 lbs heavier then when I got out of the Marine Corps 30 years ago and now consider myself a 6 or 7…. 35 year old woman consider me old, 40 year old woman want younger men and 60 year old woman don’t have the drive. Single suks.

    1. 211.1
      Amy

      Can I just tell you…I am 31. I am dating a man who will soon be 49; my previous partner (whom I started dating when I was just shy of 28) is 44 this year. Not all women who are 35 and under think that 52 is too old. Keep your chin up.

  2. 212
    Amy

    I actually take a bit of issue with this, and not because I overestimate myself. I’m a good-looking woman, not a 9 or 10. But I have asked previous men I’ve dated where they’d rate me and they resoundingly say 7 or 8. In the past three years, I have dated very good looking men whom I would rate a 9 or 10, who are fit, charming, wealthy. HOWEVER, I would say that 99% of the men who contact me or respond to me online are NOT EVEN REMOTELY what I’m looking for and going out with them WOULD BE settling for a 3 or 4 at best. I am about an 8/10 pant size, I work out, I eat healthy (mostly vegetarian diet), I live a very active lifestyle hiking in the mountains. The men who contact me are typically 100 pounds overweight, never workout, and don’t lead active lifestyles.

    Numbering systems are very subjective. But I don’t want a project partner. I want someone who already has their life together, has a good looking face, takes care of themselves by eating right and living an active lifestyle. That’s what I rate a 9 or 10. And given that I previously mentioned I have dated these men before, there’s certainly no reason to settle.

    And I really do feel in a lot of ways that that’s what this article is saying, Evan. I know that I’m about a 7, and I am fine with that. I don’t need to be a 9 or 10 to find love. But the bigger issue that needs to be tackled is that 6/7/8 women are constantly told to “re-evaluate” themselves and accept people who are 2/3/4 and we should not have to do that. Really the difference between a woman who gets a 9/10 and a 2/3 is confidence, not the need to re-evaluate herself.

    My last partner was a solid 9. Our relationship lasted for 3 years and ended because he was suffering from severe PTSD from 20 years in the Marine Corps. He left me to take care of himself. Since then I dated a 4/5 who treated me like dirt and cheated on me. And now I’m dating a solid 10 who treats me well when we’re together, but it isn’t going to last because he will never commit to me. I’m not ready for a relationship now because we’ve not been dating long, but in 6 or so months I know I will want one, and he will still want to be playing with other women. So I’m trying to just enjoy him while I have him.

    I’d also like to point out that in my state, there’s a predominant religion and about 80% of my dating prospects become undateable because they want someone who is that religion, and I will NOT be that religion, even if you paid me. So I’m left with what’s leftover. Just sayin’.

    1. 212.1
      Luka

      Amy,

      There’s a statistical problem with your assertions.

      How can it be that so many women are dating ‘down’? There are roughly the same amount of males and females. The average man is with the average woman.

      ‘ But the bigger issue that needs to be tackled is that 6/7/8 women are constantly told to “re-evaluate” themselves and accept people who are 2/3/4 and we should not have to do that.’

      This just doesn’t make sense. If women who are (self-reported) 8’s can’t find a man who’s an 8 there are two possible conclusions:

      1/ There are no attractive men

      2/ She overrating herself

      As cruel as it sounds, its likely 2

      1. 212.1.1
        Tom10

        @ Luka #212.1
         
        Lol. What struck me about her comment was this:
         
        “I have asked previous men I’ve dated where they’d rate me and they resoundingly say 7 or 8.”
         
        I think every guy says that to every girl (and most likely it works the other way round as well).
         
        You can’t tell them they’re a 9 or 10 because that would look too obvious that you’re just trying to placate/humor/flatter them, thus the recipient will know it’s not a genuine rating, which defeats the purpose (although you could tell them they’re an 8, but their intelligence and personality brings them up to a 9; that usually goes down very well).
         
        And you can’t tell them they’re a 4, 5 or 6 because that is so, um, average, thus a downer.
         
        7 or 8 is the Goldilocks zone where it gives them enough of an ego boost to tell them they’re very attractive, but not so much as it’s obviously lying (of course you’re a perfect 10 honey! I can’t believe you’ve never considered modelling!)
         
        Why would someone ask a guy to objectively rate them, when that guy’s principle objective is to bed them! Lol. Why would he jeopardize his objective by telling the truth?
         
        Ultimately, as you point out, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. One’s actual rating is the quality of men or women who will sleep/commit to them. If 7s and 8s want to date and commit to you, then it’s safe to say you’re a 7 or an 8.
         
        Just don’t expect a member of the opposite sex to realistically rate you to your face.

        1. Emily, the original

          Tom10,

          What happens when you get completely besotted with someone? Does she become a 10 in your eyes or is she still a 7.56667? Or is it not possible to go all in with a woman below a 9.555578?

        2. Tom10

          Haha Emily,
           
          You really don’t like the rating system at all do you (it’s not just me who uses it, I swear!)?
           
          “What happens when you get completely besotted with someone?  Does she become a 10 in your eyes”
           
          Do you mean “you” in general or more specifically (i.e. me)?
           
          I dunno what the answer to that is really. I guess if one allows oneself to free themselves from objectivity then their partner could become a 10 in their eyes. Maybe that’s what true love really is…
           
          😉

        3. Evan Marc Katz

          Seriously, Emily, let’s be objective. You can have a RELATIONSHIP that’s a 10 with a partner whose looks, compared to everyone else, are a 5. That doesn’t make the average woman a lesser person. It just means that half the women in the world are more attractive and half are less attractive. Flip the genders and it’s the exact same story. Walk around and look at every couple you see: do you see many 10’s? I don’t. I see a bunch of people who are making the most of their situation and deriving great pleasure out of having a partner for life. Love and marriage doesn’t turn an average looking person into a model.

        4. Jeremy

          @Emily, I think the answer to your question will vary from man to man, but I’ll give you my take.

           

          When I was a little boy, I would look at all the mothers of other children and  I would wonder how other children could possibly consider those women to be mothers – a mother looked like my mother!  I associated my mother with all the traits of motherhood in my mind, and all other mothers paled in comparison because none of them were my mother.

           

          For me, the way I think about my wife is much the same.  Sure, when we first started dating I might have objectively rated her at a certain level of attractiveness (obviously attractive in my eyes), but once we had been together long enough (and particularly after we had been married with kids) she was no longer just a woman with a “rating”.  She was my wife, in the same way that my mother was my mother.  Other women might be 7’s or 5’s or 9’s, but none of them is my wife.  None of them share our history.  None of them would make me as happy.  So I don’t think of her as a rating or a number as I might think of other women.  She is in a league all of her own.  Does that help clarify it?

        5. Evan Marc Katz

          Well said, Jeremy. My relationship is a 10+. My wife – objectively – compared to other women in looks, money, ambition, similar background – is not as impressive as most of the women I coach. So why do I choose her? Because her character, communication, consistency, commitment, values and sense of humor are more important than looks, money, ambition or similar background.

        6. Callie

          I’m wondering if the rating thing is a more male thing. I have no evidence beyond anecdotal and so I’m really just throwing this out here as a possible explanation as to why conversations that involve giving a person a number often gets side tracked by the philosophy inherent behind it. I know that none of my female friends talk of men on a scale of 1 – 10, but I do know that some of the guys do. I wonder if this comes down to the general concept of men being more visual (generalization, I know there are many women who are too)? It’s easier for them to come up with a subjective rating system based on their own personal aesthetic preferences whereas for women who need to fall in love between the ears as they say can’t really do that scale at first because they can’t judge just by looking?

          (this is all a generalization of course, not all men, not all women etc etc)

          I wonder if a study has ever been done on how men and women quantify attractiveness in their preferred gender. It would be interesting to see what would happen.

          Regardless, I do sometimes wish the men here were a little less indignant towards women not fully understanding or quite frankly liking the scale concept, and that the women here would be more accepting that this is just a way most men look at women and it really isn’t personal.

        7. Emily, the original

          Tom10,

          You really don’t like the rating system at all do you (it’s not just me who uses it, I swear!)?

          Yes, I abhor it.

          Jeremy,

          For me, the way I think about my wife is much the same.  Sure, when we first started dating I might have objectively rated her at a certain level of attractiveness (obviously attractive in my eyes), but once we had been together long enough (and particularly after we had been married with kids) she was no longer just a woman with a “rating”.  She was my wife, in the same way that my mother was my mother. 
           

          I understand what you are saying, but that’s not what I was getting at. Several years ago, I was completely besotted (for lack of a better word) with this man I worked with. Was he objectively a 10? No, not even close. There was another guy I worked with who was close to a 10, but if I had my pick of either one to be ensconced with at the Motel 6 for a few hours, well, there was no contest. I don’t see a couple in which one is much better looking and think that the better looking partner settled or the less attractive partner must have other qualities that make up for his/her appearance. Attraction is a weird thing. It is quite possible that the better looking partner is very attracted to the less attractive partner. I don’t think true attraction has much to do with a clinical number rating.

        8. Selena

          @ Callie: “I’m wondering if the rating thing is a more male thing.”

          I’ve never known anyone in real life – male or female – who used this numerical rating system.  It seems so adolescent.

          There was a popular movie in 1979 called “10”, so apparently the numerical rating  thing has been around a long time.  (With males?)

        9. Evan Marc Katz

          Jesus F-ing Christ: NO ONE uses this rating system in day-to-day life.

          It’s a way to explain people’s perceptions of attraction using a simple scale. If you are a reader and can count from 1-10, you can understand the difference between a man who is a 1 in intelligence, a 4 in emotional intelligence, a 7 in career, a 9 in attraction, and a 10 in bed.

          No one has to USE this scale for it to be a way to discuss evaluations of people.

        10. Selena

          Maybe no one uses this scale in real life because it ISN’T  simple to quantify how one feels about another person on a 1-10 scale?

          Because what goes into assessing intelligence, emotional intelligence, attraction, and sexual compatibility is subjective, and sometimes fluid?

          Sheesh.

        11. Tom10

          Lol Evan,
           
          What amuses is how so many women are attracted to the same very attractive guys in looks and intelligence (i.e. 7 – 10s) and then claim to have no awareness of attraction being an objective quality.
           
          If attraction was purely subjective then there would be no dating problems in the world. Nobody would have plenty of options and nobody would have none; everyone would have an equal number of options. Nice thought, but no-one could credibly claim this as true. The truth is the most attractive people have plenty of options and the least attractive have few, or none.
           
          Maybe it’s as Callie alluded to; it’s easy for guys to rate women because our primary attraction trigger is visual. Women rate men differently (looks, intelligence, status, education etc.); that doesn’t mean they don’t do it just as much (although they necessarily don’t put a number on it); they just say that the guys who aren’t attractive enough are “not my type”.

        12. Emily, the original

          Tom10,

          How does a man get excited about a 5, then? Does he mentally have to project himself elsewhere if they are having sex? Tape pictures of supermodels up on the ceiling to gaze at? It seems to me there are an awful lot of average-looking men married to average-looking women, and they seem perfectly happy.

        13. Evan Marc Katz

          Yes, they are happy, in spite of the fact that they married 5s.

          Do you actually think that the guy married to an average woman sees her as more beautiful than a model?

          Tastes vary, but not by THAT much.

          I really don’t get why this is so hard to grasp. I don’t know a single guy who thinks his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Why can’t women let go of this unrealistic fantasy?

        14. Emily, the original

          Do you actually think that the guy married to an average woman sees her as more beautiful than a model?

          I’ve got a gay male friend who describes all his former boyfriends as hot. I’ve seen their pictures. A couple are nice-looking. A few average-looking. Maybe one was handsome. But to him they were all hot. I have a girlfriend who described her husband as “very cute.” (He is not.) She always described the boyfriend she had before the husband as hot. (He was not.) Both men were very average looking, but to her they were handsome. She wasn’t lying to herself or making do with what she had. Neither was my gay friend. Despite the fact that both of my friends were average looking people with average-looking partners, they saw their partners as hot and thought they hit the jackpot.

        15. Callie

          Woah Evan, not sure where the vehemence is coming from here. Once again I’m on your side. I was trying to figure out why when the scale is brought up the conversation veers away often from the subject at hand and about the scale itself. That’s all. Because clearly there is something getting lost in translation and I think it could be a nice way to discuss once again how to better communicate and understand each other.

          Also while I agree that you certainly do not use such a scale in every day life, it’s not true that “no one does”. Many men do. I’d venture to say there are some women out there too. And I mean it’s okay if that’s how they want to quantify things.

          And I get it, I really do, your frustration that some women insist that their man find them the most attractive person in the world, because quite frankly I think that just leads to men lying to their partners. I think women want to feel that they are beautiful to their partners, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I also think being someone’s ideal who is flawed but still this is who I want above all people also isn’t a bad thing. But those supposed objective top of the pile qualifiers: “most beautiful”,”funniest”, “smartest”, etc. I’ve never understood that desire. It’s asking your partner essentially to lie to you. And I’m not sure why one wants to live a lie. Especially when you know, deep down, that no one is the top of anything, not even the Sexiest Man Alive is (do not even start a debate between straight women about who is the most attractive of the A-lister Chrises [I’ve always broken with tradition and said Pine, but I’m happy since Wonder Woman came out many others are coming around to my way of thinking 😉 ]).

        16. Tom10

          Emily, the original
           
          Apologies for my tardy reply – I’ve had a busy week.
           
          “How does a man get excited about a 5, then?” 
           
          I think there are two possible scenarios where a man can get excited about a 5:

          1) Are you aware of the Paradox of Choice, (reviewed by Evan here). The theory hypothesizes that some people are satisficers and some are maximizers.
           
          “The problem with maximizers, as Schwartz points out in this video is that they find it harder to choose, it takes a longer time to choose, and they’re never really satisfied. As such, it’s next to impossible to succeed as a maximizer. Holding out for “the best” or bust, often leaves you paralyzed and unhappy. Or perpetually single, as it might be”
           
          I don’t think maximizers will ever be excited about a 5. Therefore, to be “excited” by a 5 one must be a natural satisficer.
           
          As you can probably tell, I’m a maximizer.
           
          2) It’s all relative.
          If one has only ever dated < 5s in their past then they can be excited by a 5, as that 5 will be the highest quality date they’ll ever have met.
           
          You don’t necessarily have to be a perfect 10 to excite your date and cause them to feel love; you just have to be better than their previous partners.

        17. Emily, the original

          My dearest Thomas10,

          1) Are you aware of the Paradox of Choice, (reviewed by Evan here). The theory hypothesizes that some people are satisficers and some are maximizers.

          Like you, I am a maximizer, but not in the same way you are. We just experience things differently, so this is the last time I will write about this because we’re talking at cross purposes. I can have a 10 level of chemistry — someone who makes me so nervous, I need a shot of vodka to be around them (no foolin’) — with a person who is a 5 in appearance. I can have a 5 level of chemistry with a person who is a 9 in appearance. The two men I had the hottest sex with were maybe 6s in appearance. Most of us have a kind of psychological, subconscious blueprint of a type that pushes all our buttons. It has something to do with our childhoods and who raised us. Since you are always chasing the 9 and 10s, am I to assume your mother is very gorgeous?  🙂  I’ve had sex with one 10. It was decent but fairly forgettable. Of course, I found him attractive, but the chemistry level was maybe a 6-7. And I’m not adding emotional or intellectual connection into the equation. I’m talking purely physical attraction, the kind where you walk into a room, take one look at someone and think, “Him. I want him.” It ‘s not a common occurrence (I can count on both hands the number of times I’ve experienced it, including high school), but once felt … well, you see where I’m going with this.

        18. Tom10

          Dear Emily, the original,
           
          Okay let’s just shake *virtual* hands so and agree that we’ll never reach a consensus on this matter. 😉
           
          Although one last comment, for me, one’s “rating” doesn’t solely refer to their appearance; it’s a summation of that person as a whole. All of their characteristics and qualities assembled together and then, um, rated. Gosh it sounds so harsh when written like that.
           
          I just find it very difficult to comprehend how you can feel intense attraction to an average (in his totality) guy – it just makes no sense to me!
           
          “Most of us have a kind of psychological, subconscious blueprint of a type that pushes all our buttons. It has something to do with our childhoods and who raised us. Since you are always chasing the 9 and 10s, am I to assume your mother is very gorgeous? “
           
          Not particularly.
           
          However, I’m sure you’re right about our “buttons” being created through our childhoods, past experiences and parents.
           
          In my case, I come from a poor-ish background; the prevailing belief was that education and drive are the only ways to break the cycle. This then led to a competitive atmosphere and always wanting to be the best, the smartest, the most successful, the most accomplished etc. And I think that trait manifests in dating into being a maximizer – unless I get the best I’m not interested.
           
          But we’ve been back and forth on this same issue a few times and neither of us has budged an inch! Lol.
           
          I wish there was a “like button” on these blogs; thereby we could quantify whose opinion/comment is closest to the truth. That way we might be prepared to adjust our perspective when we see how the majority feel on the topic.
           
          Anyway…onto the next topic! 🙂

        19. Shaukat

          I can have a 5 level of chemistry with a person who is a 9 in appearance.

          Emily, I understand your point and you frustration to a certain degree. You don’t like it when people attempt to quantify (the scale) what are fundamentally qualitative forces (attraction). I realize that what you are saying is that attraction is difficult to measure and that it’s possible to feel a 10 in attraction for a person who physically might be considered a 10. However, what you are describing is, in my opinion, anomalous. It’s rare that a 10 could look at a 5 and feel overwhelming attraction based on some quirk, a personality trait, sense of humor, etc (though things probably change if you factor money). If what you’re describing was a common occurrence you would expect to see a lot more 8s with 5s. But from my observations attraction doesn’t tend to operate like that.

        20. Emily, the original

          Shaukat,

          It’s rare that a 10 could look at a 5 and feel overwhelming attraction based on some quirk, a personality trait, sense of humor, etc (though things probably change if you factor money).

          I’m talking about an physiological, hormonal response. Here is Cher describing meeting Sonny Bono for the first time. The man was not handsome. “When I was 16-years-old, I met Sonny And the first time I ever saw him, he walked in this room. And I had never seen anything like him before in my life. Because he was Sonny way before we were Sonny and Cher. He had this thing about him. He walked into this room, and I swear to God I saw him and like everybody else in this room was just washed away in this soft focus filter.”

    2. 212.2
      Marika

      I’m not sure this article is for you, Amy. You’re willing to date men 16-18 years older who do want you. It’s all good.

  3. 213
    Shaukat

    I wish there was a “like button” on these blogs; thereby we could quantify whose opinion/comment is closest to the truth. That way we might be prepared to adjust our perspective when we see how the majority feel on the topic.

    Tom, the truth claim of a particular statement should not at all hinge on how the majority feel about the subject, nor should you tweak your position based on how the majority react. That’s actually a pretty dangerous perspective.

    1. 213.1
      Tom10

      @ Shaukat #213
      “Tom, the truth claim of a particular statement should not at all hinge on how the majority feel about the subject, nor should you tweak your position based on how the majority react. That’s actually a pretty dangerous perspective”.
       
      Okay, fair enough; no-one wants to see this space descend into a Daily-Mail-esque circus.
       
      And I agree that just because the majority feels one way about a subject doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily correct. And it also leads to “playing to the gallery” type comments; whereby people purposefully write incendiary comments to generate feedback and “likes”.
       
      Which begs the question then, how does one know what the truth actually is? And how does one know which truth to be amenable to? As I’m open to changing my opinions if it means I get closer to the truth.
       
      I suppose we could apply the principles of science and form our opinions solely based on the evidence…

  4. 214
    Geraldo

    Man. 35 year old never in long term relationship. 6’3, white, mensan, CPA, home owner, symetrical face. Ballroom dancer, traveler, jiu jitsu practitioner. Granted I wasn’t all these things but I am now and I live in a good size city. I know people find me attractive. I know I’m still kinda awkward, different although I’m trying to iron that out.

    Frustrating at times. I don’t want to settle because I feel even though I’m aging, I’m still increasing in value faster, now that I’m on track.

    Damn it can be frustrating. Dating is the main way we’re exposed to the psycho side of humanity, and no offense but women are just as psycho as men. They’re just more accepted by society.

    Even when I make out with a nice girl and have a nice night taking till 4 in the morning, and get to third base, without trying, which is a blue moon thing but I hope that changes, I can’t get a second date. Maybe I didn’t text her soon enough. And I can’t make up for that but tried. Risking seeming needy. But that’s what I mean by psycho. So much I’ve had to let go of, and so much more I will have to in the future as I learn the rules. Feel like women are so fussy in the manner in which they are won over (must be almost perfectly executed in 21st century mn.)

    Speaking of rules and expectations, I’m reading a great book. A main idea in it I’d that of course you need value as a man- let’s say you need both substantive, like are you fit, secure financially, have hobbies, etc. And you also need communication style value, like are you confident, can you banter and tease.

     

    However, few men suffer this issue, or at least many great men suffer under the delusion that this is their main issue, or that they need more confidence. Maybe they are confused, thinking they need a script, yet think it should be natural. They’re lost.

    What this book says, apart from the need for touching, constant escalation and seeking to go fast, because that’s what he argues tends to help cement both sex and relationship, there are two missing pieces to really being attractive to women, besides possessing value.

    I found this mind blowing, especially the last bit. Yet it’s new. Still trying it on and testing it. I think it’s legit but as always, you gotta try things without negativity and bitterness as well as my fathers style of giddyness and immaturity.

    The two missing pieces are her investment in you. You are slowly gradually getting her to do things for you, requesting, leading and rewarding. That’s investment. Also attainability. This is huge. I think it’s true, and so easy to fuck up because women can be super insecure. That doesn’t make them less attractive, just more frustrating. Anyway they have to feel you’re attainable, while maintaining your value in their eyes. They can easily begin to feel you’re unattainable and the irony is the higher in value you go, through career and development, the harder it gets, and women auto reject, as you describe above. Maybe that’s what it is. All the while the man is blind to attainability issues, thinking he needs to demonstrate more value.

    Curse the world that makes us think about all this deep psychology rather than just being natural, but if you’re caught in a frustration cycle as I’ve been pretty much my entire life, undersexed, not complaining but it probably makes me awkward, this stuff becomes essential. It may make you more powerful in the end, if you master it, but you didn’t ask to master it. It called you, by birthing you into struggle. Maybe like frodo, or Harry Potter. Never read the HP books, but lot of women seem to go crazy for them.

    Btw even when I decide to be less picky and go for a 7, whether for ltr or sex or undecided, if I proceed the wrong way, I still get the same old rejection so what’s the point? I’m suggesting it doesn’t seem to be  any easier to go for less attractive women, as a man, and in fact due to real interest, easier to go for more attractive, but for me, looks and age are important but it’s really refreshing to meet a woman of any age, but fit, with a great personality. Met an older French women on the dance floor. Met a younger awkward women too. Had a great time with each.

    So I guess I’m trying to say I think your advice to women is pretty good. They need to settle but more than that, be more open, more relaxed, less judgemental about immaterial stuff. That’s the main issue. The same guy can have greatly different value to one woman versus another, moreso than for guys. They should relax. Guys have more time, and they don’t need the government in their lives. In this day and age it’s not a bad idea to be make and single. Women in a way who capture a semi decent guy are lucky. I’m sad sometimes and I want kids eventually but I’m growing as a late bloomer in life (I’m referring mostly to career, not my relationship state) and though I want, maybe need more sex (dance helps) I find myself saying at least, I got no strings to hold me down.

    Btw as you said above, Evan, the more experience a man gets, the easier. I spent time trying to be “virtuous”, not fucking women I maybe could. At least I could have tried. Had less worry about older women, etc, but prime young 20st I didn’t want to take their value away. Fuck me. Does a man need experience to mature? Not that I don’t have any. Maybe slept with 10, but one night stands mostly or strange faux relationships. For men, more sex = more confidence = more sex and relationship? I missed certain golden opportunities and may have cursed myself but it’s done. I also didn’t have career. Live forward. But maybe I should “settle” into a relationship I have no intention of being in forever, just for the sex and experience. I feel that’s wrong, but maybe my feelings are what’s wrong. Maybe I need to cross bridges when I actually get to them. Maybe I can be the man who opened them to new depths of passion, not the man who despoiled them. There’s a lot of shit I didn’t worry about that other people do. Maybe this is where I worry like crazy, my pity problem.

  5. 215
    JJ

    Well back in the sixties and seventies love really did happen back then which today most of the women are just too damn picky now more than ever unfortunately which certainly has a lot to do with it as well.  Most of the women today are definitely much more spoiled and very selfish as well since they really do go after men that have a lot of money which they will never be able to accept a good man that makes much less money at all.  Most of these women do want to be treated like a real princess which they will use men for money anyway to get the very nice things that they want since these women are just users and losers when it comes to money unfortunately.  And now that so many women like sleeping around all the time with different men which it will be very impossible for them to settle down with just only one man anyway.

  6. 216
    Shelby

    I can’t make myself attracted to people just because they’re the only ones “in my league.” The guys interested in me are in their 30s, still living at home, and can’t hold down decent jobs. Is this what I should settle for? I don’t think so. I know I’m a 5 on a good day, but I stand by my standards because I for one can’t fake attraction and I deserve someone who can provide.

  7. 217
    Bertalinda

    Don’t know what number I’d get from Evan. Maybe a 5?Never been married. I get told I’m beautiful frequently when I’m out,  but I’m getting up there in years now. I seem to be attracted to a certain “type”. I like men with hair and teeth. They do not have to be the originals, but if they have replacements, they MUST wear them! Well kept facial hair is nice too and can disguise a whole lot of ugly. I just do not like shaved heads and rotting or missing teeth!  AND they can’t have a wife OR 300 female Facebook friends who “like” every stupid “fart” meme they post! Hope I’m not too fussy?

  8. 218
    Mike

    I like this article. My main takeaway is that, whether you’re a man or a woman, you should “shoot within your league.” Meaning, aim for someone that is roughly +/- 1 “level” of your respective “level.”

    I’m in my young 30s, and I live in New York, and dating is ultra competitive here. I feel like I’d be a 9 anywhere else in America (outside of LA, of course). But by New York womens’ standards, I’m probably a 7 a best (which I’m actually fine with). Have definitely been called “hot/sexy/handsome/stud” by many women (and men – gay men seem to love me). I make over $100K, have no debt, have been told by many that my face is 8-9 (but we’ll say 8 to be conservative – have that “dark and handsome” look – think of a young Tom Cruise) have a master’s degree, am in the best shape of my life, can grow a sick beard (and look great either with or without the beard)…my main physical drawback, I guess, is that I’m a little under 5’9″ (no, I’m not artificially inflating my own height).

    I have found it VERY hard to land a woman that is roughly around my “level” (say, a 7 or an 8, if I were very lucky). I had one for years, but she left me because she had her sh*t she needed to deal with. I will say that while finding a suitable long-term partner is equally as hard for both genders, I still think dating and attracting someone around your “level” is easier a woman. Women just have more options. My online profile is well written with great pictures, and most of the women who write me are like 4’s. I guess this happens to women too…but I feel like this happens so much to me. I don’t shoot for women out of my league, either in real life or online…

    Maybe it’s all just confirmation bias, since this has been my personal experience. Dating sucks! I honestly believe and have the confidence to know that I’m a pretty solid catch. Why can’t I find a woman I feel the same about? I just need that golden opportunity to meet the right woman at the right time. I’ve attracted some nice looking women in the past, but either the timing has been off or we just weren’t compatible for long term.

  9. 219
    Andrea

    I disagree. I’m intelligent, attractive, and young–have been single for years. The only men who hit on me are high and/or drunk. I’m supposed to like that? You’re wrong. P.S. I tried libraries, museum, parks, etc —men walk past me and only the corner catcaller hits on me.

    As far as dating history: 2 emotionally abusive potheads. It is possible to be a good person sorrounded by bad people.

  10. 220
    James

    The very sad thing of all is that many of us were just meant to be single unfortunately when millions and millions of other people were very blessed to be married with their families.  Go figure.

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