[Video] Should I Date Him If He’s Not Ready To Commit?

This is the second in the new series of videos that I shot with my friends at Three Day Rule, a national matchmaking service associated with Match.com.

Last week you heard me and Kate Edwards discussing modern chivalry, and whether it’s still fair for men to still court women.

Today’s video is called, “Should I Date Him If He’s Not Ready To Commit?”

Despite many men openly saying at the beginning of a relationship they have no desire to commit, some women still insist on trying to convince them to settle down.

I don’t care how attracted you are to a man, if he tells you he isn’t interested in marriage, you’re wasting your time trying to change his mind.

Thanks for watching and be sure to share both the video and your comments.

Join our conversation (13 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 1
    Joe

    What you say in the video makes perfect sense.  I think one problem is that many women are anxious about the matter, and fail to couch their queries regarding his marriage intentions in clearly general/theoretical terms, coming across more as, “Do you want to marry me?” than, “Do you want to marry ever?”

    1. 1.1
      Christine

      That’s very true and women should be careful to pose it as a general matter.  In fact, at the beginning, how can she know if she wants to marry him either, before she really knows him?  It’s important to love a real person, not just the idea of marriage.

      If a woman also wants something casual then sure, I say date him if he’s not ready to commit.  However, my feeling is that most readers of this blog do want a commitment, so that would be a waste of time.

       

       

       

    2. 1.2
      Brittany

      From experience, sometimes that how men hear it, even if we are trying to be clear that we aren’t wanting those things with them necessarily. If I tell a man that I want a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, that means in general that’s what I want and not that I want it with you. But some men hear instead “Do you want to me marry me” and think to themselves she’s trying to tie me down already and run for the hills.

      So how do you tell a man upfront what you are interested in, in general terms, without him thinking that you want those things with him?

      1. 1.2.1
        Joe

        How about something like, “I see myself being married someday, when I’ve found the right man.  Do you?”  You could even make a joke and say, “When you’ve found the right woman, that is!”

         

        To me (maybe not all men though), it’s pretty clear that you don’t know if he’s the “right man”, but you are interested in marriage.

      2. 1.2.2
        Christine

        If you met on an online dating site, how about just asking a general question of why he joined it?  In my own experience, men don’t shy away from that.  Then just listen to his reply.  I have usually found that commitment-oriented men don’t shy away from saying they’re looking for marriage.  On the other hand, men who aren’t as ready will say they’re looking for casual dating, that just looking to meet new people, etc.

         

  2. 2
    Brittany

    A couple weeks ago a girl friend said to me that the reason one of my past relationships didn’t work out was because I wasn’t the woman that was able to change him into wanting a committed relationship (background: I broke things off after two months with this guy because he had expressed to me that he was only interested in sporadic companionship).

    I pity her. because I know, for fact,it is impossible to change that. This has come about after many failed attempts at getting men to commit, after they wholeheartedly expressed they weren’t ready to commit. They only thing that can keep a man is a man who has it in his mind that he wants to be kept.

    One thing I also learned over the years was to not take it personal. I think one of the main reasons we pine after non-committal men is because we think it’s a personal attack on us; our character, our likeability and lovability. Like we aren’t good enough, so we try so hard to make them see that we are good enough. Every guy I’ve dated that has told me from the beginning or shortly after they weren’t interested in a committed relationship, is still single to this day; and driving women crazy. So in this sense, it really is them and not you.

    With all this being said, Evan I agree with all the points you made. Straight and to the point.

    1. 2.1
      Joe

      You say “it is impossible to change that.”  Never say never.  There are men all over the place who used to like to date around, for whom there was just a switch that flipped and suddenly they’re ready to be married.

      1. 2.1.1
        In Not Of

        It’s too remote of a possibility, however, to be one’s future on it. Believe him until he notifies you differently and it’s you he wants to settle down with.

        1. Christine

          I have to admit I do know of a few former “confirmed bachelors” who are now married.  George Clooney is perhaps the most famous one.  Many people, including him, never thought that would happen!

          However, the reason why people made such a fuss about him finally settling down is because that type of turnaround is so rare.  It is possible, but also too rare to bank on.

      2. 2.1.2
        Pat

        No girl wants to waste time on that.

  3. 3
    Sunflower

    I would definitely date, but I would also go in with my eyes wide open!  And I definitely wouldn’t allow myself to get emotionally involved him (meaning sleep with). This is an area that Evan is constantly preaching to us women about.  I don’t believe there is anything wrong with spending time with someone you have fun with and want to get to know better, but if you choose to cross that “line” beforehand without really knowing him or where you stand with him and his views on commitment, then just be prepared it might not go in the direction you were hoping.

    1. 3.1
      Josie

      If you knew with certainty that this man was not interested in a long term relationship, and that is what you want, why waste time?

      Men usually tip their hand at some point in the early stage or dating.  Unless you’re dealing with a real a-hole, you will hear from a guy about his interest in commitment pretty quickly, or he will take steps and say things that indicate interest in commitment.

      The worst is that some men (hopefully a small percentage but I got stuck with one) do have personality disorders or phobias that cause them to actually be “in denial” about their fear of commitment.  Those are the men who string women along for a couple years or more.

      Still, after my prior relationship ended, I started to notice characteristics of men I dated who were clearly marriage minded (though none of those men have been the one for me):

      1. They had plenty of friends who were married/engaged/in serious LTRs leading to marriage.

      2. They talked about the future in concrete terms and asked questions of me. (Like, if you met someone and the relationship was serious, would you be comfortable relocating if needed for your spouse’s career? )

      3. They were healthy and confident communicators, and took actions to move the relationship forward.

  4. 4
    Persephone

    Love you, love you, love you, Evan!  Anyway, great video. Great blog.

    I am divorced, and your videos, articles and blogs seriously helped me discovery how to find the right way to move forward.  My divorce devastated me.  My marriage was abusive, in part because I probably needed to learn how to relate better with men so I didn’t make the same bad choice I did before.

    That being said, it’s okay for me right now to live in the moment with the fantastic man I have been seeing.  I understand his situation as to why he is not looking for a serious relationship.  He is not going to be putting a ring on my finger any time soon. (But he does show signs that if he could, he would.)  My divorce is still fresh, also.  I don’t know when it starts not being fresh…. but the important thing is we both are honest with each other and ourselves about what we want “for now.”

    We like each other enough that if circumstances change, either for the good or the bad, we would be honest.  If we eventually want to voluntarily move on to prevent each other from getting hurt, we will discuss that with each other instead of “ghosting” or picking fights as an excuse to break up.  Or if the circumstances change for the better, and  we both can open ourselves up to seriousness with each other, that might work, too.

    The unrealistic expectations are not in our friendship.  This is so incredibly freeing.  Neither of us say “what are we” or “we need to talk.”  We are letting things evolve organically.  Yes, one day it “would be nice” to get married again one day.  But I can experience this man knowing it could end, and that there’s a chance he would never marry me.  I feel that having him for now is better than not having him at all, by creating an ultimatum, that I should cast him aside because he doesn’t want anything serious.   He has so enriched my life, and if he must leave me, then no one can take away the memories.  I would easily trade getting married again for having this man for just a little while.

     

     

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