(Video) The Best Dating Advice For Women: Don’t Do Anything

In September, I did a speaking engagement and discussed some of my favorite dating coach topics  – chemistry, compatibility, online dating, overcoming rejection, understanding the opposite sex, etc.

This clip is taken from the Q&A portion of the evening. Naturally, I hijack the question and say a whole bunch of things that I really wanted to say during my main speech.

Oh, and yes, that IS the way my hair looks now. The wife likes it long and curly, so I keep it long and curly. Enjoy.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Selena

    That was fun, thanks for sharing. :)

  2. 2
    Helen

    Evan, I agree with your wife: I REALLY like your hair now. I like the photo on your book in the last segment of this video.

    How does your advice in this video jive with what Karl R. wrote in a previous post (I don’t remember which it was), in which he said that he likes it if a woman actively shows that she’s interested in him, instead of just being friendly and possibly playing “Rules”-style games? He mentioned that he is more likely to go for the one who shows interest in him. Several other men have commented similarly.

    I don’t believe I’m the exception to the rule (as you point out in your video), but I initiated several things with the man who is now my husband of 9 years, and initiated things (successfully) with boyfriends in the past. It mostly consisted of approaching them first, and later asking them to particular events or activities. Is it the MANNER of initiation that matters?

  3. 3
    Sayanta

    Helen-

    My instinct says to agree with what you’re saying- but ask E.Jean seems to think differently. LOL I don’t know – I’m so confused. Check out the vids I posted at the very end of the recent “Evaluate your Relationship” post to see what I mean.

  4. 4
    Helen

    Sayanta: LOVE IT!!! :D I have never heard the Parable of the Lost Sheep being applied to men chasing women before! I only hear it in every Biblical context you can possibly imagine!

    But I don’t agree with her. :) There’s a way you can have your cake and eat it too. You CAN initiate contact with men; the most effective way to do it is to phrase it as though they were doing you a favor. In college, it was: “Will you help me with this problem set?” (I wasn’t faking dumb; I think I’m smart; I just really needed help in some cases.) “Will you help me move?” And here’s the classic, Sayanta (and this is how I got my husband): “May I join your Bible Study?”

    I KID YOU NOT. Hence, I love the Parable of the Lost Sheep. And I’m not even religious anymore. :)

  5. 5
    Evan Marc Katz

    “Don’t do anything” is applicable AFTER you start dating and BEFORE you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. You should never have to call, text, email, nudge or say “where is this relationship going?” If he wants you, he’ll do everything in his power to be your one and only.

    But you can ABSOLUTELY be proactive in terms of meeting men. I suggest writing to men online. I suggest putting yourself in the position to be asked out by initiating conversation (Samantha Scholfield’s “Screw Cupid” is a cute new book that illustrates this effectively.)

    And yes, it’s very much HOW you do it that makes a big difference. Most men don’t like to get hit on. We do, however, like it when you make it easier for us to hit on you… :-)

  6. 6
    Sayanta

    helen-
    What you’re saying makes sense- I think you should have your own column in Elle. :-) Now that I think of it, there was this dude I had a thing for in college, so I thought it would be cool to completely ignore him. Didn’t work. Just pissed him off.

    I don’t think Bible Study would work for me, since I’m not Christian. Actually, I’d never heard of the Parable of Lost Sheep until now. :-D

  7. 7
    Jennifer

    Good message Evan, especially at the end. Now if we could only make finding the guy an easier endeavor!

  8. 8
    Everett552

    Evan, I just want to say I love your blogs, website and advice!

  9. 9
    Dope

    Nice video, and love the new haircut. Or should that be hair uncut? :)

  10. 10
    Anisa

    Sayanta, I guess that the dude was not at all into you anyway and/or you were not at all kind/polite to him. I guess that’s why your ignorance pissed him off.
    I believe this “strategie” will only be succesfull with men who like you and/or to whom you are kind and friendly.

  11. 11
    Sayanta

    anisa- LOL. true- though, if he wasn’t into me, wouldn’t he have not cared whether I talk to him or not? oh well- he’s probably married now, so it doesn’t matter.

  12. 12
    LeahB61

    Thanks for the reminder Evan!

  13. 13
    emily03

    The one of a few pieces of advice my mother gave me regarding men was: Men don’t do what they do not want to do.
    So simple. Knowing this has saved me a lot of heartache. I’ll take it further and say it’s also good advice for me to live by as well. I try to live this way and be that way in my relationships . An ex said he really appreciated that I took this approach. Thanks Mom!

  14. 14
    Jennifer

    @Sayanta #11- you never know, you could try looking him up on Facebook

  15. 15
    Sayanta

    #14-

    Don’t remember his last name- guess I wasn’t that into him after all. :-D

  16. 16
    Jennifer

    @15- LOL…guess not!

  17. 17
    Anette C

    But but but…..

    ……Arrrghhhh!!! Do I have to be that passive? My old roommate, met a woman at a party. She walked up to him, looked him in the eye and said “you can do anything you want to me tonight”….

    ….he married her….lol!! (Okay not that night of course)

    I’m either not understanding this advice, or I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit. Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time? Organize the dates? come up with nice things to give you etc etc.

    I presume you don’t mean “don’t do anything at all” so what am I missing? What or /when is it that we are supposed to not do anything?

    Cheers

  18. 18
    BeenThruTheWars

    If only everyone who criticizes “The Rules” for promoting “game playing” would actually READ THE BOOKS, instead of watching that ancient Saturday Night Live spoof (“Get the ring!”) and thinking that’s all the approach is about. The Rules are about EXACTLY what Evan talks about in his brilliant Q&A response, which is the astonishing power of a woman’s “doing nothing.” Letting men take the lead, letting them make the phone calls, letting them do the asking out, letting them do the proposing. Isn’t that what Evan said? It’s what The Rules books say, too, and have been saying since they were published. Rules Girls know that “he doesn’t exist unless he’s calling and asking you out.” They wouldn’t dream of coming on to a stranger, or texting a man they’ve had coffee with once to say, “So how are you, when are we going out again?” That’s all The Rules are. Healthy, authentic, feminine behavior (yes, passivity, it’s not a dirty word!) designed to allow the man to keep coming forward, if that’s what he chooses to do. Combine that with a healthy dose of self-esteem to keep up one’s spirits while waiting for that golden man who will pursue, love, and want to commit to them. Women who follow The Rules in the spirit in which they are written do NOT go out of their way to make a man chase them. They set healthy boundaries, and unfortunately in these times, that can feel like “game playing” to men who are all about calling a woman last-minute hoping for a hookup. Just don’t knock something you don’t know well, is all I’m saying. It’s all common sense, and it all dovetails. Don’t take the man’s job away from him, ladies. And guys, don’t grumble when a woman you’re attracted to doesn’t fawn all over you. Because what do you do when she does that? Run, that’s what. It’s a sign of respect for your ability to know what to do when you meet someone you’re attracted to, who just might be “wife material” instead of a “good for now girl.” The man’s job is to offer to provide (a nice time on a date, for starters) and a woman’s job is to say yes, thank you (if she wants to go out with him), be gracious, look nice/smell nice/be nice, and then go about her life and see if he is interested enough to follow up. For that, The Rules get bashed mercilessly, and I’m sorry, I’m really tired of it. It wasn’t until I embraced “doing nothing” that I met my husband and converted a confirmed bachelor of 33 into the most loving partner any woman could ever want. Being with me was all his idea because, for once, I wasn’t doing the chasing. Try it; what have you got to lose except your loneliness?

  19. 19
    Evan Marc Katz

    I think the word we need to use is “receptive”, not passive. You can proactively go out and flirt with men, and even initiate contact online…but after that, let HIM do the work. He will reveal his level of interest in his efforts towards you.

    I’m not talking about playing games or ignoring him – I’m talking about mirroring and responding to his calls/emails/texts, instead of reaching out on your own. I think it’s kind of foolproof for women.

    If he calls, he likes you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Nothing to agonize about.

  20. 20
    Karl R

    Annette C said: (#17)
    “I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit.”

    I’ve learned three true statements about “rules”
    1) Most rules work for most people, most of the time.
    2) The rules should sometimes be broken.
    3) You need to understand the rules in order to break them properly.

    “Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time?”

    Remember, it’s not all the time. It’s up until it becomes a serious relationship.

    As a man, I expect to take the initiative on everything. If the woman occasionally asks me out, I see it as confirmation that she wants me to continue pushing the relationship ahead. (And I appreciate the confirmation.)

    But as Evan said (#19, and elsewhere), you learn how interested the man is by the efforts he makes in taking the initiative. You learn nothing if you’re chasing him.

  21. 21
    Roxstar

    Girls really do have it easy, don’t they? … Huh, maybe I should try thinking of it from the girls perspective more often.
    But what if the guy doesn’t do that. What if he wants to, but he’s afraid of rejection? That’s why a lot of guys don’t do things in the first place, among other reasons.
    -Roxstar

  22. 22
    Sayanta

    #21- you really a rock star? I’ll give you my number. LOL LOL

  23. 23
    downtowngal

    Well said, BTW #18!! The Rules are really about weeding out the BS.

    For example, if a guy you like calls you to ask you out last minute and you’re not available and say, “would love to but I have plans…perhaps another time? this weeked?” If he really respects you he’ll make another date according to your schedule. If he’s like, oh well, fine lady you’ve missed your chance (or mistakenly takes this as a rejection), it’s a red flag, no matter how cute/smart/cool he is.

    And Roxstar #21, I’ve heard this before from lots of guys. I’m sorry, but if you’re too afraid to take the risk you’re not ready for a relationship. The woman is rarely going to take the initiative. I can’t tell you how fraustrating it is to spend time talking to a great guy at a party only for him to NOT ask me for my number, or, if he does, not ask me out. Even if I give signals and tell him how much I’ve enjoyed talking to him, etc.

    Just because the last gal rejected you doesn’t mean the next one will. These are the same guys who complain they can’t find a decent girl, they’re all married or psychos.

  24. 24
    MeetMeinOtrSPce

    Well, it is still agonizing waiting to hear from a guy. Even though, I know what Evan says is true: to let the guy get in touch with you. All you have to do is be receptive and let him know you’re interested. I feel like it doesn’t make the process any less agonizing. I mean, if you ladies are like me, I get pretty excited about seeing a new guy. (They would never know this though.) It’s still depressing to go through the process of waiting to hear from a new guy or hear from him and get the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. That seems to be a popular let down phrase. As if I couldn’t possibly bare to handle whatever reason it is that they have. I think I would actually feel better if I heard some honest feedback like, “I just feel as though we didn’t connect like I thought we were going to… “, “I’m looking for someone that I have more in common with…” or something along those lines. I know that when it becomes my decision, I have the testicular fortitude(even though I’m not a man, haha.) to tell someone the truth in a polite way. I have to say, men can be quite ODD(for lack of a better description, or out of respect for that matter) when it comes to dating. They’re afraid to ask women out, afraid of rejection, can’t be honest about why things didn’t work. Hey, no one’s really asking, but be honest is all I’m saying. Sorry for the tangent, but what can I say? It happens. I do agree with Evan’s advice though. It worked for me! :-D

  25. 25
    downtowngal

    MMIOS #24, I agree. But sometimes people aren’t forthcoming with why and you just have to move on.
    I try to be forthcoming. Dated a guy once – went out on couple of dates, nice guy but I just wasn’t feeling it. So rather than not return his calls I told him honestly. He then followed up with me the next day to inquire further, I told him again, it was nothing he did/said, just didn’t want to string him along. He then went crazy on me, accusing me of nasty things.
    Granted, this is an isolated incident. I really didn’t know the guy this well, but it goes to show that sometimes you just have to accept things and move on.

  26. 26
    TimetoDateAgain.com

    Sometimes it’s hard to wrap around the idea that all women need to do is be themselves and do nothing. The best way, really, is to find something that we really love doing, meet interesting people and just enjoy life. Positivity attracts positive vibes. So, if we’re happy, we attract what is beautiful and happy.
    So, enjoy!

  27. 27
    MeetMeinOtrSPce

    downtown gal #25- yea I guess sometimes it’s better to leave it alone. It’s just too bad it has to be that way most of the time. I’m sorry that happened. That sounds pretty scary.

  28. 28
    downtowngal

    MOSpce #27, yeah, but what can you do. Most of the time the guys appreciate my being forthcoming, even if it’s not what they want to hear – I treat them the same way I’d like to be treated. This was just one zinger.

    was too bad, b/c all along I was thinking of a friend who would have been a better match for him than I, but based on his response he blew it.

  29. 29
    paul

    I couldnt agree more with Evan, when a guy wants you he will do anything and everything to be with you, he will even endure you rejecting him a few times.
    I am from the old school of thought and believe that a guy should make the move, when a woman is doing the chasing it can be a turn off for most guys as guys are hunters and chasers by nature.
    So if he isnt hunting and chasing then maybe he isnt that interested.

  30. 30
    twentysomething

    Evan,

    I’m in a new relationship right now (we’re going on 4 months) he is a GREAT guy, I want to keep him. But as much as our relationship has progressed (we are exclusive/dating….not quite bf/gf) the lack of communication from his end drives me crazy! I know this has more to do with me than him (my insecurity that if he doesn’t text me once a day he’s through with me) but still….it drives me nuts. I want more. That said….I’m so not ready to give such a good man up! I guess i’ll try keeping me feet in the sand….

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