Want to Take Control Of Your Love Life? Let Go Of Control!

The one thing I know about you is that you’re smart.

I like smart women.

I’d like to think I’m a smart man and that, if we met in real life, we’d be friends.

The thing with smart people like you and me is that we’re highly analytical.

We don’t think just one step ahead. We think 5 steps ahead.

We can’t help it.

And in most arenas, this is a strength. If you’re in business development, or corporate training, or even if you’re a schoolteacher, the ability to think ahead and control your environment is paramount to your success.

So you learn to ask questions. And you learn to get tough. And you learn to micromanage the details in case someone else makes a mistake.

These are the things you do to cope with the variables of life – you try to control EVERYTHING.

Newsflash: this is the OPPOSITE of what it takes to be successful in love.

If that comes as a surprise to you, I hate to tell you, but there’s a LOT you need to learn about how men function in relationships.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with a client. 33 years old, attractive, bright, successful.

We’ve been working together for about four weeks now, and it’s at about this time that things start to really blossom.

Last week, after our coaching call, she had one of the best dates she can remember. And this week, she just wants to make sure she doesn’t mess things up.

Actually, she wants to make sure that HE doesn’t mess things up.

Instead of enjoying this moment, filled with excitement and potential, her mind immediately drifts to, “I don’t want to get hurt by another cute player with potential.”

Has that ever happened to you?

Your first thought after an amazing first date is, “This guy is amazing!” Your second thought is, “How’s this one gonna disappoint me?”

Needless to say, this isn’t the healthiest attitude towards dating. And yet, it’s incredibly common. So what’s a woman to do?

Let’s first start with what NOT to do.

What NOT to do is to dwell on what you can’t control – namely anything that he thinks or does.

What NOT to do is to try and find out answers before he’s ready to provide them. That means no talk about marriage or kids or emotional availability. These are things that he will reveal over time. It is not your job to probe on Date 1 and 2.

What NOT to do is to dwell on what you can’t control – namely anything that he thinks or does. So much time and energy is wasted trying to “interpret” the behaviors of men – what he texted, emailed, said or meant. It doesn’t solve a thing. It just drives you crazy.

What NOT to do is be pro-active. Apart from flirting with him at a party or sending him the first email on Match.com, your entire job afterwards is to be RECEPTIVE.

This is what I mean about letting go of control.

In trying to grip the sand too tightly, you’re letting it slip through your fingers.

In trying to avoid a sad ending, you turn to the last page of the book and ruin the journey.

Dating is a process – one that should be organic.

Look back on the healthiest relationships you’ve had – I trust that there was a natural ease to them – at least at the beginning.

So instead of giving a free pass to the cute guy who showed you a great time on Date 1, but has waited 5 days to follow up, just realize that this action reveals his state of mind.

He’s either too busy for a relationship, too busy with other women, or not that interested in you. It really doesn’t matter which.

Why? Because his actions have nothing to do with you!

And if his actions have nothing to do with you, you have no control.

So when you send him an email and write “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile,” or send him a text that says, “Miss me?” or give him the phone call that says, “Where is this relationship going?” you’re sabotaging the natural dating process.

In the natural dating process, the man who is excited about you SHOWS you he’s excited by making an effort to see you soon, call you frequently, and become exclusive.

Your next move is NOTHING.

If he’s not doing so, there’s nothing to figure out, interpret, or do. Just realize that you’re Ms. Right Now, he’s Mr. Right Now, and you should start looking for a new guy.

It might sound crazy, but passivity is the most EMPOWERING stance you can take.

No more wondering about WHY he didn’t call.

No more wondering about the REASON he disappeared.

No more agonizing about where he REALLY stands on your relationship.

No more CALCULATING about what your next move is.

Your next move is NOTHING.

Let go of controlling your relationship.

Trust that the right guy treats you like you deserve to be treated.

And get back to enjoying the many blessings in your life.

Now go out there and stop doing anything!

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Ani

    But should you always be passive? I’m in a long distance relationship with a guy I have known for almost a year but been dating for about 3 months. He himself has been chasing me to visit him as due to work commitments he is unable to. I booked my flight to go see him in a months time but since then though in touch at times via bbm (not sure whether to love or hate this device!) I feel we haven’t really spoken at all. I know he works crazy hours and by the time he finishes and due to time difference I’m asleep when he finishes. I have called as have been having some concerns but due to time difference and being at work/sleep haven’t had a call back yet. Just msgs to say he was asleep/busy working but then ends them with sweet some(no)things……am finding it very hard to stay passive!

  2. 32
    Melissa

    Hi Evan,

    Really interesting article, bit I have to say this makes me really sad. No matter what anyone’s says bottom line men and women are different and will never be the same. Letting go and doing nothing is extremely passive and I can see where this leads to a bunch of flat out mind games in the future. We women struggled for equal rights and the whole sexual revolution and where did that leave us… Unempowered and struggling in relationship after another because we are not supposed to chase me they are supposed to chase us. Every guy who has chased me, I have not liked one bit. And the guys I’ve chased seemed to turn the relationships quickly into sexual only relationships. I think that we are in for a lot worse time until. Men become more of a scarcity and value women more. To get back to the subject I allowed one guy to chase me but found myself disgusted by his looks and didn’t want to touch him anymore because I was grossed out.
    Maybe it’s better just to be friends and not even take a relationship to the next level. People are really messed up and men need to take responsibility for this as well as women. Respect yourself and stay single and die or have a little fun stay single and have sex but end up ultimately alone.

    The truth sucks and that’s that. Men have to chase women.

    1. 32.1
      Cat

      Melissa, #32: Don’t worry, there is definitely a wonderful middle ground between “Respect yourself and stay single and die or have a little fun stay single and have sex but end up ultimately alone.” Read this blog and you’re well on your way towards finding that middle ground. :)

  3. 33
    Hazel

    This is really timely for me. I have been essentially single for a very long time, with a series of monogamous relationships that never went beyond a year. I am a successful, financially independent woman who has carved a pretty good life for herself; so you could say I have taken control of everything in my life. I have been in a relationship for 6 months with a really interesting, vibrant, sincere and kind man. He is serious about having a long-term relationship as I am. We have had several discussions/arguments about my intention in the relationship, and he gave me a really good analogy: “it is as if you are swimming in the pool but you can’t let go of the side.” This really hit home – he is so right. At some point, to gain the best out of a relationship, I have to ‘let go of the side’ and not control every aspect of it.
    It’s tough but I’m learning, and it is resulting in a far more positive outcome. 

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