What Do You Say After A First Date With No Chemistry?

Dear Evan,

What do you do when you hit it off with someone in an email correspondence and in phone conversations, and then when you meet you find them unattractive? It’s not the kind of thing you can just come out and say, “I didn’t feel the chemistry,” because it means you didn’t like how they look. It’s clear that’s the reason. Some photos are just not how people really look, and while I don’t think they are misrepresenting themselves, it creates a problem. Especially since before meeting they think you think they’re great.  What do you suggest?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Your question reminded me of a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Blow Off Thee?”

How do I blow off thee? Let me count the ways.
I blow off thee for weight and height.
For claims of age that don’t seem right.
For lack of chemistry and failure to praise.
I blow off thee any number of ways.
For photos proffered and deleted on sight.
For writing clichés, so hackneyed and trite.
I blow off thee quickly, at a wrong turn of phrase.
I blow off thee quietly, never meeting your gaze.
By hiding after saying, “I’ll talk to you soon.”
By calling during thy lunch break at noon.
I blow off thee after our very first date.
‘Fore your habits on my nerves ever should grate.
I blow off thee to show you who’s boss.
Then why do I sense it is I that has lost?

Yeah, it’s a little melancholy, but all the great poets of the 1800’s had a light case of the blues, as well.

Oh, wait, you had a question. And I’m supposed to have an answer. Let me get out of poetry mode for a second.

Okay, I’m back. And I will resist all impulses to write my response to in iambic pentameter.

So, in response to your query about how to tell someone that it’s the lack of chemistry that’s the reason for blowing someone off, how about this novel idea: How about you don’t say anything? How about not hashing out the whys and the hows after only one date? How about not having a terribly uncomfortable and unnecessary conversation? How about writing a quick email that says, “I had a fun time last night, but didn’t feel that necessary ‘click’ to move things forward. You seem like a great catch, though, and I wish you the best of luck in your search.” That’s not too harsh, is it?…

Listen, all of us have been blown off before and I’d venture to guess that 90% of the time it’s not because you did something “wrong” like cuss out the waiter or refuse to wear pants in the restaurant. No, for the most part, the first dates that don’t turn into second dates are all going to fall under the umbrella of “lack of chemistry.” So what’s the value of discussing it?

I know you’re asking the question because you’re trying to be sensitive, but face it – you can’t be too sensitive when you’re dating. Either you’re going to blow them off or they’re going to blow you off. That’s how the vast majority of first and second dates go.

My personal policy has been to NEVER tell a woman what I think is “wrong” with her. It’s simply not nice, especially since it’s only one person’s opinion. Plus, there’s nothing to learn from “there’s no chemistry.” It’s not like she could go back into the lab and work on that minor issue for her next date.

The only reason I see fit to offer my thoughts is if someone asks for genuine constructive feedback. And if they ask, they can’t be too hurt if you tell. Frankly, I’m a fan of the little white lie that hurts no one. Believe me, I’ve been on the other side of women who let me know just what they thought about me – even if I didn’t ask. And once you’ve been told to your face by a date, “I’m just not attracted to you,” you start seeing the value in moving on via email…

5
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Comments:

  1. 1
    JimmyE

    Evan, what kind of ‘constructive feedback’ did you give when asked?

    I’d be suspicous of someone’s motives for asking such a question. Were they trying to talk me out of my decision? Or maybe just try and turn me into ‘the bad guy’?

  2. 2
    Leah

    Evan — this response cracked me up…..

  3. 3
    Leslie

    I think that Wondering is making a faulty assumption that looks are the only logical reason to reject a date who seemed attractive online. (Assuming normal and polite behavior.) I’ve rarely felt a lack of chemestry due to the way a guy looks. Most often it’s been his body language that fails to attract me in person. His facial expressions, gestures, posture and gait are the elements which most viscerally affect my attraction on a date, ever so much more than how he looks. As a matter of fact, how he moves IS how I see him.
    If he’s handsome and his body language is off putting to me – no chemestry. If he’s homely and has the kind of body language I like…ahh feel the chemestry.

    1. 3.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Thank  you for bringing this up !  It’s so hard to tell from a still picture e-mail communications what a person is going to be like in person.  Even more awkward than discovering the lack of chemistry at the in person phase, is what happens when you discover it at the phone call phase ?  Someone who writes a good e-mail isn’t necessarily a good talker.  I have been put off my voice tone, or long “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhs”, or just not sounding very smart. 
      Sometimes I know the particular physical or speech mannerism that triggered the lack of chemistry, and sometimes I have NO CLUE why I don’t click with someone (pheremones  perhaps) 
       
      All I know is it seems like it’s ROCKET SCIENCE to find mutual attraction.  Then the EVEN MORE DIFFICULT process of discovering mutual relationship goals, mutual compatibility, etc. 
      And it does make me wonder about MY OWN facial expressions, mannerisms, speech patterns, body language.  Since the guys who contact me intially seem to like my looks, and we seem to have some fun e-mail exchanges and phone convos, then one meet and greet and it’s over.  I ask myself, “Do I walk like troll and just don’t know it ?  Does my voice sound like the wicked witch of the West ?” 
      You are right, attraction is more than looks.  It encompasses so much more.

  4. 4
    Wondering

    I sent in this question. I suppose it’s a basic skill of online dating to be able to dodge the uncomfortable parts, and I was hoping for a magic wand answer :). It just sucks that what can happen is that you hit it off in conversation and/or emails and then you’re not attracted to the person physically when you meet, and I wish I could communicate that without, you know, communicating that! It’s like he thinks, “Hey, you seemed to really dig me and now you don’t” and I feel like I look superficial for not wanting to continue.

    Funny, men would not have a problem at all rejecting a woman physically, but we’re supposed to be more forgiving and more willing to uncover hidden gold. But dating isn’t about making people feel good, and I think it helps to be practical about it. Thanks for a great blog, Evan, and for all the tips on keeping it “practical”.

  5. 5
    Sandra

    Wondering, I’ve been there too so I completely understand why you’ve asked Even this question.

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  12. 6
    Chris

    Leslie, what kind of body language do you not like?

    What would you think of someone who sat sideways at a square table? What would you think of someone who leaned back in his chair a lot?

  13. 7
    tom

    I would like to take an alternative slant on this: Both men and women (for reasons that are logical, rational, etc etc) place a lot of stock on that first meeting. But there are thousdands, if not millions, of married couples who: who were not friends when they first met; were turned off to each other when they first met; couldn’t stand each other when they first met; were unattracted to each other when they first met; and had no chemistry when they first met. I suggest most of this has to do with expecations we have about each other, what is ideal, and focusing on the neagtives about someone as opposed to the positives. Some people might be having a bad day or have other things going on that may influence such things like their body language. When expectations are lowered and you are there to meet someone and keep it light and fun, in time, some of those bad first dates turn out to have great chemistry down the road. I can speak from personal experience….my current steady and I have tremendous chemistry right now, in all facets, but had a very dry and unchemistry light first date a few years back. We ceased dating but maintained correspondence and friendship. In that time I found she was a little shy and guarded when meeting people for the first time, not just me, but everybody. Through that friendship, we learned so much about each other, became very close, and then sparks finally started to fly, including what is now tremendous physical chemistry. Had I written her off based on that first meeting, I would probably still be surfing the sites. But through not having expecatations about finding “instant chemistry now have something cloose to permanent chemistry and one of the best relationships in my life. Just a thought.

  14. 8
    John

    This one is easier than you think… For men as long as you didn’t end that first date by saying something stupid like “I’ll call you” etc… You can just say a pleasant thank you at the end and leave it at that. You don’t have to call a woman to tell her you’re not going to call her again or ask her out for a second date. If she calls you like a woman did to me, I simply said “it was nice having dinner with you the other night but I don’t think we really “clicked” romantically. I think you’re cool and when I see you out & about I’ll say hello. Now when I see her (which I do occasionally because we travel in the same circles) I always say
    “hi, how are you” and keep it short & friendly and go on my way with NO GUILT.

    For women….. well if you don’t return our after a first date phone call MOST of us will get the hint. Sometimes a preemptive email saying “thanks, but I’m not feeling it is fine” I think.
    For those women with a lot of ______. You answer the phone when he calls or return his and tell him straight up but nicely. We men definitely appreciate this even though it sometimes hurts the most.

    I’ve been on both ends. Just don’t string people along and treat them as you’d want to be treated.

  15. 9
    Leslie

    Hi Chris (and all).
    Body language that conveys masculinity, physical ease and confidence is attractive to me. Exactly what and how it’s done is probably as varied as any human attribute. For me the opposite (unattractive in a man) would be motions which appear tense, fussy, self conscious or squirrely.

    So, without seeing how a particular guy appears when he leans back in his chair, it might be OK (at ease) or it might appear nervous and annoying. Sitting sideway at a square table may look manly, like he’s relaxed enough to consume space or it might appear dismissive to his table mate (he’s turned partially away).

    I believe that strong, graceful, attractive body language flows out of physical and emotional well being and general self confidence. It can’t be faked. It also changes according to circumstance. When I’m feeling well and happy I attract people. When I’m anxious, people don’t seem to notice me. I believe it’s because they are responding to my body language. It’s also subjective. Many of the men that I find attractive, my friend Sally, finds them unattractive (says they seem threatening).

    The point I meant to make in my original entry is that what is attractive upon meeting a person is more than just face and body.

  16. 10
    Elyse

    Kudos, Tom. You are a wise and lucky man and mate. The best to you both. It was a pleasure to read your wise words and to have that perspective added to the conversation.

  17. 11
    PJ

    When I met the guy I’m currently dating the first time I didn’t feel any sparks either. But, we had a second date and a third and now we’re getting ready to celebrate two years of dating. Maybe you just need to give him a second chance?

  18. 12
    Kitty

    Ev,

    The poem is sheer brilliance. I’m thinking you might want to quit your day job and apply for the poetry dept at UCLA. Well done and as usual, you cut thru the clutter to the heart of the matter. Having an amazing sense of humor doesn’t hurt either!

  19. 13
    JuJu

    I’ve been in this situation more times than I care to count. Sometimes the difference between the picture and reality is so appalling it seems as though it’s an entirely different individual. Usually I just don’t pick up the phone when the guy calls again. If he is a particularly nice person, I might then respond by e-mail (always something along the lines of how I just don’t think we are a good match, never anything about his appearance).

    Pay attention to the pics they send. First of all, are these photos large and clear or postal-stamp size? If it’s the latter and taken from afar, you can be almost certain they have something to hide (if s/he is one of those “I don’t want to show myself on the internet” people, they’ve got other issues, IMNSHO :)). Another one to watch out for is sunglasses – they can completely alter a person’s look. Always insist on a pic where the person’s face is visible. Are they only showing themselves from a particular angle? Nine times out of ten, there is a reason for it. Men who send you pictures of themselves wearing some sort of a head covering might very well turn out to be bald. And so on.

    The most shocking discrepancy I witnessed was with a guy who sent me a professionally taken photo (he wrote articles for a widely known magazine, and that’s what the photo was for – just to give you an idea of the photographer’s expertise). To put it mildly, he looked nothing like it (in the pic he was seriously good-looking, in reality I thought that perhaps some serious cosmetic surgery could make that face acceptable, and I am actually not that picky when it comes to faces) AND forty to fifty pounds heavier.

    What’s that about constructive criticism? Does anyone actually ask for it?? I once gave a guy this sort of feedback, but that was about five years ago and hopefully I have grown since. :) On the other hand, that particular guy just kept complaining about women using him for money, so a suggestion to lose some weight (he was around 5’8″ and 200 lb) seemed warranted. In retrospect, perhaps he shouldn’t have bragged about how much money he had either (which he did, a lot). :)

    I would say body language is definitely part of what makes a man attractive, but the face and the body do matter to me also (as, I suppose, they do to most people). I’ve once met a guy (in real life, not online), who was handsome and tall, but turned out to be pigeon-toed, and the way he walked was just such an incredible turn-off for me. Once I saw a male acquaintance run to cross the street at the last moment and thought the way he ran was an abomination to the male gender… Fidgeting and excessive head-turning (as if in hyper-vigilance, like a weaker specimen on the lookout for a predator) are unattractive also. Most of these things are just common sense, so it’s a little difficult to recall or come up with specific examples.

    As for giving people a second chance… Well, I guess it depends on the situation (as in, the exact extent of one’s non-attraction), but in all honesty I don’t see how this could work. I once went on three dates with a guy I didn’t find attractive because he was just so exceptionally sweet (and, I might add, quite well off), thinking that hopefully he would grow on me, but he didn’t. In fact, I discovered that if you aren’t attracted initially, over time you only find more things about this person not to be attracted to.

  20. 14
    Stephen

    Every one here seems to be honest with good additions to this conversation. I admit I am biased as I’ll explain in a moment, but it doesn’t surprise me at all that Tom seems to be one of the only ones in this discussion who got what it seems we all want–a good relationship so we can stop having these first dates. This idea that a couple should want to feel joined at the hip right away is immature. I used to feel that way, but I don’t anymore. 90% of the best and lasting relationships I know of did not start with strong romantic chemistry, just good company. I’m biased because I was recently told ‘lack of chemistry’ several days after a second date. We met online and chatted for hours. I am considered by my friends to be a very confident man, but I have built this reputation because I need it. During real vulnerable moments liking walking in to the restaurant and seeing my date and realizing I am very attracted–I crumble. As Leslie stated above about what she is not attracted to–I couldn’t have been fussier or more squirrelly. And again, I’m considered to have a very masculine gate and dignified appearance and am graceful…not with this date. And it’s always the ones I like. I monologued for hours to which my date responded with intrigue and fascination and encouraged me with ‘you’re so brilliant–I love how you think’ Then a second date and I told myself to chill out and remember to keep the conversation a ping pong match like our initial online chats. I arrived first and when my date got there, again I crumbled. More intense conversation never going toward flirtation although we touched each others legs and gawked at others together. My date said, next time we get together, I want to be alone with you, watch a movie with you –yes, let’s get a movie. I was ecstatic. At the end of this second date, we (I thought) magnetically kissed three times, dry but slow and interlocking lips. My date texted me later with ‘Going to sleep alone again =( Sweet dreams.’ My date reciprocated all of my text messages with the same warmth. Then a few days later the dreaded Valentine’s Day was approaching and my date just stopped responding to me. I didn’t know why but could feel it was over. I texted asking my date to consider dinner that night (days before V-day) and my date texted back ‘I have plans tonight. I’ll call you later though.’ Obviously this was a nail in the coffin but my date did call and I asked why the sudden lessening of interest and my date said ‘I was hesitating because I think you’re so brilliant, I’ve never met anyone like you and I still want to watch movies with you and be your friend, but I don’t feel chemistry.’ My date had also (so you understand why I couldn’t understand the change) had asked or made weird jealous comments and questions always asking where I was every phone call, suggesting that the place I said I was didn’t sound like it. And the no chemistry conversation started with ‘Where are you?’ I said, ‘In my car.’ and to reciprocate to show I cared (although I think where are you is innapropriate unless you’re committed and understand eachother), my date replied, ‘Parking with someone on Mulholland.” –uncomfortable pause. Then said, ‘Ha, I’m joking. I’m at home.’ And that was the conversation where I was told no chemistry! Because of the mean streak keeping me dangling, when I was asked, ‘So where are we now, how do you feel, can I still see you?’ I said it didn’t make sense because we weren’t friends, still just aquaintences with things in common and that adding this conversation to the mix, it wouldn’t feel right. And inside I was wishing I had treated this whole thing like a hook-up wishing we had had sex right away and then I could be just a friend–but I didn’t say anything because this one wasn’t just a hook-up for me but because the of the no chemistry conversation which I took very badly–all I heard was, ‘I don’t want your juice any where near me and certainly not inside me!’ I was not forceful in these meetings–as stated, I was a squirrel. In time, I would’ve been able to be my better self and we could have been friends. I feel like the immature expectations of butterflies in the stomach and the lack of imagination for the future and feeling like I was hoping for romance nearing Valentine’s Day made this one want to fend me off but keep me around too and I just think saying no chemistry wasn’t necessary and I feel it ruined something that could have been really good, if even platonic. I’m dating 5 others and I don’t think it’s ironic that I don’t feel chemistry for them, although I still have sex with them because it’s so easy to be around them and they’re attracted to me physically because I’m not a squirrel around them. I’m just saying that I’m with Tom and recommend that if you like your date, if you have common goals and compatible lifestyles and they intrigue you and you find them attractive but have a hard time envisioning sex with them (you think of them as a sibling), why not keep them on your radar? I didn’t have passion for this one either, but think we would have made good companions and it made me nervous. (sigh) rejection sucks.

  21. 15
    Stephen

    and one more thing, I’m totally with JuJu on criticisms like the way someone runs and it just being such a turn-off—I feel them too, but come on…is it worth throwing him way? Sometimes a funny run is just that and not actually representative of who he is. Perhaps he’s one of the few who is not self-conscious about his appearance. I mean what is really in our poker hand? I’m goodlooking, many consider very goodlooking, some say I’m hot – my date even said I was hot!—But I’m not Brad Pitt, and I don’t have his money either, hence my squirrelliness when I like someone. Unless you’re a 10 out of 10, I think you’re going to be single if you let yourself focus on a man’s gate…his gate won’t be what makes a lasting healthy relationship. and even if you are a 10 out of 10, beauty fades fast and money can’t buy you love. I’ve slept with the hottest lays out there–I want so much more and I think it’s going to come from someone of inferior genes who developed other good qualities.

    Also, in order to address the conversation, I would have preferred to hear, “This didn’t go in a romantic direction for me and I can’t see how it will.” This makes it about the you and leaves out the other person’s possible faults. No chemistry made me feel like I have cooties or something–only for a nanosecond =)

  22. 16
    m

    Stephen – a few things.

    1) If you “monologue”, you’re not dialoguing. That means there is only 1 person in the conversation, not 2. Not conducive to chemistry with women.

    (Plus, dude, you took up TWO WHOLE COMMENT BOXES to say what you had to say. Do you ever consider that you might be boring someone? Or do you not care ’cause you’re just so fascinating? /sarcasm)

    2) If you monologued AT her, instead of talking TO her, just because she said “you’re brilliant; I love how you think” doesn’t mean she meant it.

    (God, if the woman just looks like a 10 to you guys, you men will believe anything, won’t you?!?)

    3) If you refer to women as the “hottest lays” and/or in possession of “inferior genes”, I’m wondering in what universe you believe a woman is going to feel chemistry for you.

    4) It’s “gait”, not “gate”, when you’re talking about watching someone walk. There are a lot of physiological responses that go into triggering attraction based on movement, but I won’t go into it; I’m a little worried you’d be too shallow to be interested.

    What you say to a woman matters. How you say it matters. (I know some of you guys have a tough time wrapping your minds around that one b/c you’re very blunt and insulting when you talk to each other. Between yourselves, you see it as affectionate. Women generally do NOT, not so much.)

    Whether you behave like what the woman thinks — not just about you, either, dude, but about other things in life generally — matters to you, also matters.

    If you really “want so much more”, as you say, you may want to ruminate a little on all that.

  23. 17
    Selena

    Stephen–

    You’ve slept with some of the “hottest lays out there” and you want so much more, but it will probably come from someone with “inferior genes”? Good God! If you really think that way I bet you are sending out a vibe that nudges women to run the other way. Fast. Ugh.

  24. 18
    Stephen

    dear m-

    it’s fair you took everything I wrote literally…I thought it was a little better written so as to be received universally as ironically humorous when I’m clearly asking for second chances and sensitivity while saying I think men and women need to look past idiosyncrasies and then I give examples in a way a person might at first perceive them to show I sympathize with someone who might be so put off by someone’s gate.

    i tried to say without saying literally for emphasis that maybe what we initially perceive as inferior genes shows our own inferiority because of our own lack of larger vision…our instincts to see trees but not the forest

    and the misspelling of gate didn’t require its own bullet in your response. you go from that to telling me you have much to offer on “physiological responses that go into triggering attraction based on movement” though you “won’t go into it” because you fear I am too shallow.

    i don’t know if this conversation took a nose dive at my entry or yours. I think it started with mine.

    what I am about to say is sarcasm intended for humor’s sake only—please stop reading if you are easily offended:

    I thought about misspelling everything in this entry to prove you understand everything I say no matter what the spelling while at the same time giving you a brain aneurism. I’m sure it’d be an interesting case study watching you untangle Christmas tree lights.

  25. 19
    Stephen

    friends, friends—I used the inferior genes term to be harsh. rejection is harsh. nature is harsh. science says all the time that our attraction based on pheromones and other things draws us to those with very different DNA than our own and also what our chemical make-up deems to be the most superior genes. our brain does this by telling us—that man’s gate is not to be spawned. Do you understand? I’m saying we are human and don’t need to abide by these initial mind tricks.

    (sigh) I’ll withdraw. I think it’s best I don’t respond to anymore about this. What I’ve said so far isn’t making any good points because you assume I’m shallow. I’m not, but my sense of humor might be considered by you to be shallow.

    What I did learn about myself from this is that I should reconsider what is really the most important thing to me…falling in love or my own ego. It’s easy to say it’s falling in love, but hard for me in practice. I’m far from where I want to be, and those I date know it.

  26. 20
    m

    “Im far from where I want to be, and those I date know it.”

    I don’t think they’re the only ones.

  27. 21
    JuJu

    Stephen,

    why were the kisses dry?

    That seems to me the weirdest thing from your story.

  28. 22
    Stephen

    we were talking and before we said goodbye, our eyes met and we went in to kiss and our lips met and interjoined for about 2 seconds then we started to pull back – looked into each other’s eyes and it pulled us back again, we did the same thing again for about 3 full seconds this time with more pressure and then a third time same thing for full three seconds and i didn’t lead it…it seemed like i would screw it up if i had opened my mouth. then with glazy eyes, we smiled at each other. it gave me the impression in the moment things were good. in hindsight, this was really the goodbye moment and I didn’t get it. –anyway, you asked.

    but we were on i think 4 drinks over three hours.

  29. 23
    Dating Tips

    ok, the best solution to this is not say anything. I usually say, I had a great time, thank you very much, drive safe. The guy should know that if I am in a hurry to take off, that means I am not interested. If he does insist on getting an answer from me on the spot whether I want to see him again, I say, “call me”. When I am interested, I am more open to the discussion about a second date. I say something like, sure it would be great. People need to be able to read between the lines

  30. 24
    Vivian

    I finally met this gorgeous guy i was emailing online, but i’m so inexperienced that i got very nervous, and i kept placing my bag between us when he was seating next to me, didn’t stare at him, kept distance, etc. He also felt awkward, and sometimes he would talk sometimes silence. It was THE MOST dreadful date. Even so i thought he was hot, we had great banter online, but i either think it was lack of chemistry, anxiety, inexperience, or lack of incentive signs from my side, but he didn’t try to touch me or lean closer. He was a gentleman and stayed almost 4 hours walking with me. In the end, it was clear that things didn’t went how we thought it would be, he said: keep in touch. I was having a nervous breakdown, and emailed him that evening a thank you note, finishing with take care and have a nice Summer, no kisses in the end of msg. He just replied 3 days after my message saying that he had a nice time, he apologised for walking aimless for 3 hours but said it was because he was confused (he doesn’t explain further). He said that i was a nice girl (and he put a wink face ;)), and said let’s keep in touch. Now, i don’t know if he REALLY want me to keep in touch, or he was confused that i gave him mixed signals during date and then sent email wishing him a good summer. What do you think? Should i try to get in touch, and use humour and laugh about how dreadful was our date? or leave it and never contact him because he’s not that into me and it was his gentle way to lay me off? Thank you for your help.

  31. 25
    new to all this

    I know this may be a little late vivianm you probably have already decided. If I were you, and if I liked the guy, I would try to get in touch. And your idea about laughing about the dreadful first date, might actually make you guys loosen up.

  32. 26
    Sandra

    I felt very good about sending this note after a second date:

    Hi [Mr X] –

    Thank you once again for a lovely evening – it is not often I get taken to a classy place like [place].
     
    I have been thinking about how we are getting along and I think you would appreciate me being straight up with you.
     
    I find you very attractive and very sexy, but I don’t think we share many common interests or philosophies. I don’t think it is necessary to go into details – suffice it to say that I believe we would be happier in the long run with someone else.
     
    I sincerely wish you all the best – you are a lovely man.
     
    Be well,
    Sandra

    1. 26.1
      PT

      Very patronizing that template message…

      1. 26.1.1
        Mike Collins

        Ditto that. I like the simple no chemistry message. “I had a fun time last night, but didn’t feel that necessary ‘click’ to move things forward. You seem like a great catch, though, and I wish you the best of luck in your search.” I just used it after a first date. I got back a very polite message, “No worries. You seem very nice. I hope you find some one that makes your heart race.” To which I replied, “You’re very kind. I wish the same for you.”
        The reason I sent the message is she messaged me to continue an email chat pattern. You may be able to tell from the context that I was not blown away with physical appearance, but we strolled and chatted for over an hour then had dinner. I enjoyed all of it. If there had been more alignment in the things that matter so much more than physical appearance, I would have tried a second date.
        Unfortunately, I didn’t feel we were birds of a feather and wanted a gentle way to disengage. Thank you.

  33. 27
    m

    @Vivian –
    I’m not even sure how old this post is, let alone if you’re still reading (I don’t even remember writing what I wrote to Stephen, LOL) but if it were me — and I know it’s not — I’d send a message back like “If you’d like to keep in touch, please get in touch.  I’d love to see you again.”
    And then once you go on your next date, you can explain that you were nervous because you found him so attractive.  (That can happen, LOL.)
    Don’t let someone you like (and think is a hottie) get away! :-)

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