What’s Attractive IN Men is What’s Attractive TO Men

I know it’s happened to you before.

You had a relationship that was next-to-perfect.

Your amazing boyfriend possessed almost everything on your wishlist.

He was attractive, he was smart, he was successful.
He was thoughtful, he was fun, he was great in bed.
He was interesting, he was sensitive, he was kind.

Then why did the relationship fall apart? Why couldn’t you make it work with him?

My client, Jennifer, is a smart, successful and sexy woman in her mid-50’s. She’s coming off of a roller-coaster dating experience that has left her confused and heartbroken. I’m sure you can relate.

After joining my Inner Circle, Jennifer, was excited to have attracted a different kind of guy. She was done with the slick, wealthy, charmers who’d loved her and left her before. Her new boyfriend had all the signs of being a keeper.

He took down his profile and offered to be exclusive.
He called her consistently to make plans.
He emailed and texted multiple times a day.
He introduced her to his friends and met her family.

If you let your disappointments shade your view of relationships, you may be inadvertently sabotaging yourself.

These are the hallmarks of an interested man. Except you already know that I wouldn’t be telling you this story if it had a happy ending.

Out of nowhere, this guy went POOF, into the night. He did a complete 180 about his willingness to be part of a couple, and didn’t bother to justify it with an explanation.

What is there to learn from this scenario?

First of all, Jennifer can take heart in that she is not at all responsible for this man’s sudden departure. As a woman who read Why He Disappeared, did the Inner Circle, AND took my Romance Course, she handled herself PERFECTLY.

Your takeaway from this blog post is to not let this man’s sudden departure change ANYTHING about how you date.

Because what’s attractive in men is also what’s attractive TO men. And if you let your disappointments shade your view of relationships, you may be inadvertently sabotaging yourself.

Let’s start by looking at what’s attractive IN men:

Independent – He’s got a life outside of you. He’s passionate about his work, he’s successful at it, and he’s cultivated interests and friendships that predate you. He makes you a priority, but doesn’t drop his entire existence because you came into the picture. You respect his need for balance and the attention he gives to family and friends. Most importantly you love that, despite his interests, the right guy ALWAYS makes time for you.

Emotionally Intelligent – He’s been in relationships before. He’s loved. He’s lost. He has a serious ex-girlfriend or wife in his past about whom he speaks highly. He has a few exes who fare less well. But he knows that these women have nothing to do with you. You are a unique individual with her own complex set of experiences and needs. And no matter whether his last relationship dumped him, cheated on him, or took half his money, he doesn’t hold any of it against YOU.

Confident – He knows how to treat a woman. He’s generous with the tab. He’s charismatic when he tells a story. He doesn’t spend any time agonizing as to whether he’s “doing okay” on the date, or wondering “where this is going” or “if you’re seeing anybody else”. He doesn’t need to pressure you into a relationship. He knows that he’s good enough and trusts that you’re going to respond to him.

We can go on, of course, but this is a great place to start: independent, emotionally intelligent, confident.

So if what is attractive IN men is also what’s attractive TO men, how can you be at your most attractive to the men you desire?

Apply the same lessons that men should apply and you’re on the right track.

If you’re an independent woman, don’t drop everything for a charismatic stranger. Don’t cancel plans with your other friends. Don’t instantly stop dating other guys on Match.com. Don’t leave Friday night open in hopes that he may contact you. By continuing to live your life, you become more attractive, and a little less accessible, which means a man has to work a bit harder to win you over. This is a good thing.

(By the way, there is a fine line between “continuing to live your life” and “being so busy that a guy can’t book a date with you until July”. My point is that you shouldn’t emotionally “drop everything” until it’s very clear that a man has earned boyfriend status. It’s easy to do this the second you get excited about a guy. Don’t.)

There is a fine line between “continuing to live your life” and “being so busy that a guy can’t book a date with you until July”.

If you’re committed to being emotionally intelligent about relationships, you know that the next guy has nothing to do with the last guy. You don’t go into a date looking for signs that there’s something wrong with him. You don’t try to figure out your future after 3 dates. You know that dating is a process that has to be honored organically, and that you’re going to fare much better when you learn to make each night the most fun it can be. Because that’s what men respond to on a date: fun.

And if you’re truly confident in yourself, you will be amazed at how men respond to you. By embracing your feminine energy, you know that YOU are the gatekeeper to great dates and that YOU can bring out the best in every single man. Which means you’ll never have to wonder where you stand; in fact, your inner confidence will radiate that it’s up to YOU to decide if HE gets to see you again. What an amazing paradigm shift, especially if you’re a woman who sometimes gets nervous around the most impressive men.

It’s easy to find fault with men who pull a 6-week Houdini act, like Jennifer’s “boyfriend”, but the truth is, Jennifer just saved herself a TON of time. Imagine if he’d pulled this stuff after 6 months, or 2 years. THIS is his way of handling conflicts: disappearing.

Well, good riddance, buddy! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!

Your strongest move after such an incident is to be like the attractive man: independent, emotionally, intelligent, and confident.

Keep living your life.
Get RIGHT back on your dating site.
Don’t get too excited at each promising prospect.
Don’t worry about whether each guy has a future. That’s up to YOU.
And have FUN, because if you have fun, HE’LL have fun.
And if HE has fun, he’s always going to come back for more.

(Unless he’s a disappearing jerk, in which case you don’t want him anyway. :-))

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Dancing Faun

    Good takeaway: Rejection isn’t personal if you are conducting yourself with integrity.

    Not sure what “feminine energy” means, though. Back in the ’90s I took a bunch of New Age workshops that were always using that phrase and I still don’t know what it means. I’m a dancer and we talk about energy ALL the time. But we don’t “genderize” it. Mostly because a lot of dancers are gay and so the understanding of gender and roles in that world is more fluid. We cast dancers for their personal energy, which is usually some unique combination of strong/soft, passive/aggressive, introspective/outgoing, etc. We’re more interested in the interplay of energies within a person, between people, and among those in a group. It’s fascinating, really. What dancing (and dating?) is all about.

  2. 2
    Evan Marc Katz

    Feminine energy is receptive. Masculine energy is aggressive. Men do. Women receive. This is not to say that women can’t “do” but rather that this is typically “masculine” energy, and if you want to be with a masculine guy, he’s going to be more attracted to your feminine side. Which is why it doesn’t matter all that much to him that you went to Yale, speak four languages, and finished a marathon in 3 1/2 hours. It’s more important to him that you laugh at his jokes, support his dreams, and snuggle with him in bed.

  3. 3
    Trenia

    You had me up until “YOU can bring out the best in every man”. I can see if two people have been in a relationship for a while, but bringing out the best in a man you just met, a total stranger? That sounds like a very heavy burden to lift. The assumption is always that it is the woman’s job to bring something out of a man so that he’ll want more and stick around, instead of him showing up and bringing his best simply because he wants to bring his best.

    This is also difficult because women aren’t men, and as much as I think that a man’s ability to compartmentalize and keep his feelings in check are great, many women aren’t able to do this, no matter how hard they try, and they may end up trying to be someone they are not. Women get excited about the new guy, especially when they’ve been in a dating desert for a while, and it can be hard to hold back. Sometimes this is detrimental and sometimes it’s not. There are lots of women who are happily married who behaved the very same way when they met their husbands.

    I don’t know if anyone read Sara Eckel’s New York Time’s article about Modern Love, but it speaks to some of these issues. Dating can be tough.

  4. 4
    Sherell

    Also, Six weeks is such a short length of time.  I tell my girlfriends they have a 90 day heart back guarantee!  Anything under 90 days, you should be able to shake off.  Define your rhythm for the relationship!

  5. 5
    Dancing Faun

    EMK: I thought that was what you were gonna say, based on my experience in the New Age workshops mentioned above, where we had to do things like list “feminine” qualities and “masculine” qualities, John Gray style.

    With all due respect, I still don’t buy it. Women can be aggressive and men can be receptive and both are all the time. And some guys do like women because they went to Yale, speak languages, and run marathons (why are these things “masculine” anyway?). And doing those things doesn’t preclude laughing at jokes, supporting dreams, and snuggling (why are these things “feminine”?).

    Conversely, even though I’m a woman, I wouldn’t put going to Yale, speaking languages, and marathoning over laughing, supporting, snuggling either. I mean, those first things are someone else’s accomplishments (nothing really to do with me, no matter what our relationship is), and the other things are bonding activities we do together (necessary, no matter what our respective accomplishments are).

    Or are you suggesting that women have to do all of the relationship work and the guy just has to show up with a resume and no ill intentions?  (Bustin’ your chops here, I know. :) )

    1. 5.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Faun,

      You don’t have to “buy” it. It’s an observation, one that’s based in truth, not fantasy. Saying that a woman has masculine energy or that a man has feminine energy doesn’t negate their gender. You clearly have lots of masculine energy. I have lots of feminine energy, which is why I like to discuss things and connect and be understood. That said, as a MAN, I much PREFER a woman who is more feminine. It’s not that the Yale grad CAN’T laugh at my jokes and take care of me, it’s that she’s more likely going to be pursuing her second PhD and helping to launch a startup than to be available to be my feminine energy partner. I have great respect, admiration and attraction for those women. I just decided that I didn’t want to marry her. Because she’s just like me. And I want – and many masculine achieving men want – a softer, less driven partner who takes care of them.

      Once again, it’s not that men are INCAPABLE of being listeners and nurturers, but your basic Wall Street guy or lumberjack is probably not that concerned about your day and doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. And your female hedge fund manager who’s working 70 hours a week isn’t available enough – timewise or emotionwise – to be the soft, supportive, playful, nurturer that many men desire.

      You still disagree?

  6. 6
    yulia

    Evan,

    Sounds like you validate your masculinity through choosing VERY feminine partner. You did not feel like a MAN ENOUGH with those Yale graduates? Is this coming from a place of insecurity?   

    1. 6.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Yulia. Ha! My wife graduated magna cum laude. She knows Shakespeare. She comes from a military family in San Diego. She worked for 17 years as the VP of a boutique international event planning company.

      What makes her feminine is that she’s not spending her time trying to slay dragons, cure cancer, run triathlons, or make partner. She says yes to everything. She’s always got a smile on her face. She thinks I’m smart and funny and noble. She trusts me and allows me to make decisions. She doesn’t criticize me for petty reasons or try to change me. She puts me and our family first.

      That’s why I married her.

      Find me a Yale graduate and law firm partner who has the time and temperament to be that way and I’d have married her. I’ve certainly never met her.

  7. 7
    Sharon

    Nix masculine or feminine as terminology. Receptive energy and Assertive energy. By coding one as masculine and the other feminine is insinuates an assertive women is butch or a receptive man is a pussy. No reason to use loaded terms

    I do see evidence of this men preferring receptive women. When I consider the absence of women in fortune 500, politics, literature, art, technology and science I wonder if its because their busy nurturing at home. 

    lame!

    Can we start importing people from Scandanavian countries that keep scoring off the charts for egalitarianism to start teaching the rest of the world how not to suck? 

     

    1. 7.1
      Dave

      Sharon, 
      your argument is valid, however, I’ve found the best strategy when hearing something new, as rediculous as it may sound try to take something away from it instead of arguing with the messenger.   Yes there are exceptions to every rule, but Evan is offering insights that is rubbing you the wrong way because like it or not he’s right.

       I sometimes feel that we argue because we have been hurt and no one wants to admit we need to change.  I’m in a constant state of change, because I’m human and I want to be what my girlfriend needs in a man, that is if I’m ever going to make it to the altar.  :). We’re all in this together.

  8. 8
    helene

    Can I ask, what exactly does being “nurturing ” mean? It seems to come up a lot in these threads about “what men are looking for” (although not specifically in this thread, so far…
    To me, it sound like “motherly” which does not strike me as a very erotic quaity – I don’t really want to be a man’s mother, nor would i want a man who expected me to mother him. Is that what it means, or is it something else?

    1. 8.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Helene  @ 8 – Really ?  You don’t know the meaning of the word “nurturing” ?  I think you do, but you for some reason you object to the notion of having to be that to a man.
      Yes, nurture is what mothers do.  Protect and provide is what fathers do.  Nurture is also what friends do for each other, what certain types of professionals in their field do in their work  (nurses,  teachers, etc) and what pet owners do for their pets.  Protecting and providing is what fathers do,  it’s also what some in some professions do  (fireman, policeman) .
      I think it’s so silly when people get so hung up on coming off as “mommy” or “daddy”.  Parents are human, who were once a couple before they became mom and dad.  They didn’t just instantly learn the nurturing and protective skills they applied to their children the minute they became Mom & Dad.  They learned those skills in childhood, brought them to their relationship, and pass them on to their offspring.  (at least ideally)
      Women shouldn’t worry about coming off as a “mother” if they make a nice hot meal for their man, or give him a back rub after a hard day at work.  Don’t get so hung up that a man is trying to be your “daddy” if he insists on you wearing your bike helmet, or would prefer it you drive 2 blocks to the corner drug store after dark, rather than walk.  
      Early childhood experiences shape our mating choices.  Better parenting in childhood gives one an edge in relationship during adulthood.  So what if there is some over lap between our parental relationships and our spousal relationships ?  Our parents were human, we’re human, there’s bound to be similarities.   The intimacy is what set those relationships apart.

  9. 9
    Erika

    As a female… What it really comes down to is that most men are by far more masculine energy than how women can tend to be both and play both sides and do so very successfully. I agree with the ladies that why do we have to play up more of the receptive when we also have that aggressive life streak where we go after successful goals and do it just as well?? Why do we have to minimize those strengths in us for the sake of what a man needs…. It sucks… but HONESTLY LADIES EVAN IS RIGHT. I know from experience. I have strong masculine personality traits, with my last relationship, I played that up big time and we bucked heads like no other, I appealed to his instinct to COMPETE instead of PROTECT.  In my current relationship, I took a seperate approach and am playing up my feminine energies, receptive, nurturing… and my man is more receptive to my needs and is very protective… because I LET him take the LEAD.

    Perhaps the reality of it sucks.. but Evan is on to something… and I see it first hand in my experiences.

    P.S. Away from all this, I think personally, that a couple needs to have the energy one lacks. If one is more direct, one needs to be more receptive. If one is more impatient, one should tend to be more patient.. if one is more emotional, one needs to be a little more objective.. etc. Man or Woman, in the end, we need to be with someone who compliments our strengths while understanding our weaker traits.

    Period.

  10. 10
    Erika

    Helene – to me nurturing means being thoughtful, understanding and trusting in your man and who he is. When he is feeling low, being encouraging, when he had a promotion, being his biggest supporter… Nurture meaning to take care of your man – intellectually, emotionally, physically, and soulfully. A mother does this to get him ready FOR the world, while a woman does this to take care of him FROM the world and weather it together. :)

    1. 10.1
      Karmic Equation

      “Nurture meaning to take care of your man – intellectually, emotionally, physically, and soulfully. A mother does this to get him ready FOR the world, while a woman does this to take care of him FROM the world…”
       
      Well, well said, Erika.

  11. 11
    Kathy

    Evan, I just want to know WHY DO men handle conflicts by disappearing? And can an individual man who has been handling conflict this way for many years change?

    The guy who just disappeared on me didn’t like something I said and just poof! he was gone He disappeared  once before over hardly anything and I contacted him and he was back “in ” like flynn. But I am not sure he would have contacted me.

    This time I am NOT contacting him and who knows, the relationship may be permanently over because he won’t make the first move! WHY do they do this? Are people who do this incapable of handling conflict? I have seen him do this in other areas of his life.

  12. 12
    Greg

    @Kathy 14
    It doesn”t take an expert to answer this question.  Mature men do NOT handle conflicts by disappearing.  Obviously this guy is an immature loser.  You don’t need him. He can change, but only if he wants to. Rather than wait for him to change you should find someone else. 

  13. 13
    Dancing Faun

    Sharon@9: hahahahaha!!! Exactly!!! 

    EMK@8: Do you actually know any Yale graduates? Because I know lots. You are not describing them at all. Schools don’t screen for “aggression” when accepting students, and you don’t have to be “masculine” to graduate from a good school and get a good job. This is some outdated thinking there.

    And if you saw me, that last thing you’d be thinking was masculine energy, I guarantee it. Ha!!! I’m just smart and articulate, that’s all. If anyone thinks that’s “masculine”–well, who would want to be “feminine”?

    1. 13.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      And because I can’t resist:

      Dancing Faun said: I’m just smart and articulate, that’s all. If anyone thinks that’s “masculine”–well, who would want to be “feminine”?

      No, you’re a pain in the ass who likes to make other people wrong. That’s why you’re not only masculine – but you’re just like me. And I don’t want to marry myself. It’s too much work.

      Is this making sense yet? You have masculine energy. Men who are like you will be attracted to you but will fight with you because they’re just as smart and egocentric. That’s why a better fit for you is an easygoing guy, just like I chose an easygoing wife. If you can’t see the merits in finding a partner who is easygoing and would rather “get along” than “be right”, I’m not sure what to tell you.

      I understand you. You’re a liberal elitist know-it-all, just like me. That’s why people like us are lucky if anyone puts up with us. Humility is the key to long-term partnership. I’m not seeing any evidence in your posts.

      1. 13.1.1
        Iyna

        Omg, I just had an “aha moment”! Wow. 

  14. 14
    Dancing Faun

    Ooo! Didn’t realize there was a challenge at the end of your post to me, EMK. So I will respond in a second post! And here it is!

    Yes, strongly disagree, still.

    You write “Saying that a woman has masculine energy or that a man has feminine energy doesn’t negate their gender” and that you yourself have a lot of feminine energy. You think that I have a lot of masculine energy (because I am not “receptive”…to you). But then you say that as a man (your gender) you want a woman (her gender) who is feminine, which means taking care of you. Very confusing. The reasons for the confusion:

    1) It isn’t clear what you mean by “energy” if not “gender.” You’re a man (gender) who is feminine (energy). Your wife is a woman (gender) who is also feminine (energy). She laughs at your jokes and takes care of you– actions that don’t seem specific to either gender or energy, however you define these things. So it just seems like a big hodgepodge of undefined, unrelated stuff that translates into masculine energy=bad.  

    2) Wall Street guys, lumberjacks, female hedge fund managers? Do any of us know so many of these people that this is really who we’re thinking about when we’re imagining a life partner? There is that whole other 99%, after all. But again, what does a person’s job or education have to do with his or her private parts or “energy”? True, if someone has a demanding job they are not going to be around to “nurture” their feminine-energy, biological-male husband. But you know what else is demanding and will take your partner away from you? Caring for a disabled child or an aging parent. Which is what “nurturing” people of both genders also do.

    So, still not buying it. What people do for their life’s work has little to do with being “feminine” or “masculine.” People’s personal energy is constantly changing in response to environment and other people. People’s actions are their own personal choice. I may not laugh at your jokes because maybe I don’t find them funny, not because I’m “masculine” and hankering to go chop down a tree.

  15. 15
    Dan

    This makes me think of the male version. In the version I experience, I meet smart, strong, successful women. They are super positive, they smile, they are friendly, they are confident, they dress well.
    I ask them on a date, they offer to pay their part of the bill, but I always pay. They thank me. I always come up with fun things to do. They are always polite and engaging.
    But in the male version, there is no sex. They play coy, never showing that they are affectionate. They always accept dates when they are free, which is rare. They are very busy with their work (or say they are).
    After months of this, I just give up. That’s my experience. Maybe it’s something I do wrong and maybe it’s just me, but this is not a male date advice column. I’m just offering the point of view of a successful, friendly, positive guy trying his best.

  16. 16
    AS

    @Faun and @Yulia – I’m going to try and explain the energies as I see it. For a battery to be effective, it has to have balanced positive and negative energy. If you imagine that the positive side is represented by a woman – so we will call this feminine energy and the negative side by a man, which we will call masculine energy. Within these two different (but complementary) energies, there are commonly associated traits. So for example, in feminine energy traits we have: loving, caring, nurturing etc and for masculine energy we have logical, practical and challenging. When in a work environment, both men & woman typically display the ‘aggressive’ masculine traits. It works well and serves it purpose. But as a woman when you leave the work place, if you forget to switch into your feminine energy before you go on a date, many men will not find this appealing as you’re energies are not connecting in the way that they should. So going back to the battery analogy, if both a man and woman are trying to connect and they both are using negative energy, the battery is not going to work as the energies conflict, not complement. I hope that makes sense?

  17. 17
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Faun – You don’t have to buy it. I’m not looking for your approval. I’m letting you know that this isn’t MY observation – rather, it’s the concept of yin/yang, which has been around, well, let’s just say longer than you have been.

    Successful partnerships are, most often, complements, not clones. So however you choose to label masculine/feminine energy, I stand by my words. I’ve been a dating coach who’s worked with thousands of people over the years. You’re just a another woman with an opinion who doesn’t like what I have to say. Just because you FEEL a certain way doesn’t make you right – not in the light of considerable empirical evidence about compatibility.

    Oh, and by the way, what does a career have to do with masculine/feminine energy? Seriously? You don’t think a cop and a kindergarten teacher have different demeanors? You don’t think there are more male cops and female kindergarten teachers? It seems that the more you don’t want this to be true, the further you veer from making an effective point.

    Since this is my blog, let’s agree to disagree. Life is too short to fight battles out in the open. You go back to Jezebel and I’ll keep providing guidance to the women who are receptive to what I have to say. Best of luck.

     

     

    1. 17.1
      Tamar

      I’m gonna agree 100% with Evan. Feminism has confused gender roles when it comes to relationships. We are animals and we are still wired and designed to behave the way Evan describes. Take a look at your vagina, ladies. It’s a big hint to the yin-yang concept. We are designed to receive. Embrace this fact. Embrace this power. Embrace your femininity. It’s ok…and in your favor.  

  18. 18
    Helen

    I agree with Dancing Faun and Sharon. 
     
    There are too many false dichotomies being drawn here – not so much in Evan’s original post as in the comments that follow. It’s not as though graduating from Yale and curing cancer or making partner means that one is incapable of smiling, laughing at jokes, etc., whether you are male OR female. I’ve met far too many delightful Harvard, Yale, and Princeton graduates who are at the top of their fields to buy that kind of false depiction.
     
    I am one of those women working to cure cancer (although “cure” is an imprecise term; let’s say cancer prevention and control). It is BECAUSE I do work that I love and that matters deeply to me that I smile, am happy, and bring sparkle into my marriage and make my husband happy as well.  It is such a false dichotomy to say that a high-powered career woman is incapable of making her man happy in the way he wants. Men want happy women who appreciate their company. Women who love their work are the best partners. That work could be anything, from “curing” cancer to being a full-time mom to being a dancer.
     
    If someone hates his/her work and is constantly stressed out by it, then that is a different matter. Then it makes sense that such a person may not be pleasant to spend time with. But being successful in one’s career isn’t synonymous with hating and being stressed out by it – another false dichotomy. If anything, it’s the opposite. And it doesn’t have to do with rank. Secretaries can be just as resentful and hating of their jobs (or more) than their bosses. 
     
    We women must reach for the things that make us happy. That is all. Happiness is not only attractive, it is good for the soul.

    1. 18.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Helen – If you’re a scientist, then you can appreciate the fact that there is, at the very least, a correlation between being brilliant and driven and being less physically and emotionally available. You make it sound like I’m just making all this up to suit my own purposes. Do you disagree with my observations in Why He Disappeared?

      A very good looking man is more likely to be a narcissist.
      A traditionally masculine man is more likely to be emotionally inaccessible.
      A rich, successful man is more likely to be a workaholic.
      An intelligent, educated man is more likely to be opinionated and arrogant.
      A creative, sensitive man is more likely to be intense or moody.

      You suggest that someone pursuing her passion is happy – and happy women make great wives. Fair enough. I’ll give you this in return.

      If it makes you happy to work 60 hours/week and train for a triathlon in your spare time, you may be an impressive person, but you’re not a great wife. Making a man feel like he’s your top priority is far more important to HIS satisfaction in the relationship. If you sincerely consider your work, your friends, your family, your mountain biking, your yoga, your SCUBA diving, your dog, and your travel more important, then he’ll find a woman who makes him feel better – no matter how amazing you are and no matter how happy you are.

      I’m not going to debate that a happy, fulfilled woman is a better life partner, but if your temperament is that of someone who likes to argue and someone who is driven to career success, it’s harder to be a great partner. I suspect that most men would concur.

      1. 18.1.1
        ann

        very good point Evan! thank you for all you do :)

  19. 19
    Kristine

    This gender/energy argument is fascinating, but I’d just like to comment on another aspect of this very revealing post:
    “Out of nowhere, this guy went POOF…Jennifer…read Why He Disappeared, did the Inner Circle, AND took my Romance Course, she handled herself PERFECTLY.”
    So is the lesson here that spending money on all your products and services does not yield improved results?  That’s my take-home.
    Signed,
    Women With “Masculine” Energy Who Cares About Being Right – You Know, Like Scientists, Engineers, and Heart Surgeons, Who For Some Lame-Ass Reason Think that Being Right Is Somehow Important and Therefore if Female Will Never Find Love

    1. 19.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Kristine – I normally wouldn’t let your comment through, because it very clearly breaks the rules of the blog, which state that you’re supposed to comment on the original post, not insult your host, but I shared it because I thought it was quite revealing – not about me, but about you.

      You’re the kind of person who takes pride in being right instead of getting along.
      You’re the kind of person who conflates completely unrelated events (my coaching with a man leaving) as if it’s some sort of black mark on me.
      You’re the kind of person who makes an illogical argument – either that scientists who are “right” in the lab should somehow be “right” in relationships…or, if I misread you, that if I said that you have masculine energy, you’ll never find love. Neither of these is true.

      Essentially, you’re bristling because I pointed out that the very thing that makes you successful at work does not necessarily make you successful in love (This same holds true for men, by the way) – and you responded to me with emotion, scorn and invective.

      Sorry if I touched a raw nerve, but I think you should be above such illogical arguments and petty insults. If you don’t like my blog, don’t read it. Really, I’ll be fine.

      1. 19.1.1
        LL

        Evan,
        Bravo !

  20. 20
    Diana

    To Helen #21, I agree, and I also agree with some of Faun’s comments. It’s very possible for a woman (or a man) to have a passionate, self-satisfying career and personal life, while also creating a wonderful and loving relationship with their partner. It just takes the right person for them. I believe there has to be a balance between the two, and that both parts are essential. They are linked together: a happy and fulfilled person makes a better partner; and a happy and fulfilled couple creates better individuals.

  21. 21
    Jadafisk

    So… what if someone doesn’t want to bring an 80/20 ratio of masculine to feminine energy into her life and sees more of a balance between the two as an ideal thing to maintain as an individual and as a couple? Are the guidelines completely different? Are there any at all? How do you find and keep a man with less masculine energy than generally expected?
     
    Also, why would a person look for qualities that, when it comes down to it, they don’t value enough to cultivate in themselves? If you really care about success, why wouldn’t you go out and get it instead of trying to parasite off of someone else’s? If you really care about nurturing, why wouldn’t YOU try to be more nurturing? I’m a little confused by this entire phenomenon.

  22. 22
    Helen

    Evan 22: With all due respect, yes, I do disagree with the points you raise. And if I may, I would gently urge you not to see the world in such absolutes, nor to be so quick to categorize people: that if they are A, then they must also be B and do C.

    You asked me specifically if I disagree with:

    A very good looking man is more likely to be a narcissist.
    A traditionally masculine man is more likely to be emotionally inaccessible.
    A rich, successful man is more likely to be a workaholic.
    An intelligent, educated man is more likely to be opinionated and arrogant.
    A creative, sensitive man is more likely to be intense or moody.

    The vast majority of good-looking men I know are not narcissists. Nor are they more confident in demeanor than less handsome men; they are by and large shy and gentle. Of the narcissists I know, some are good-looking and others are not. There is not an obvious trend in one direction.

    I do not know what you mean by traditionally masculine man. My definition may not be the same as others’: I consider a man masculine if he doesn’t complain too much, and makes me feel special even when he knows I’m married and that nothing will happen. Are they “emotionally inaccessible”? I wouldn’t say so, but haven’t the faintest idea. A man expressing emotions is not something that has ever been important to me.

    “Rich, successful, intelligent, educated men”: can we agree that Nobel laureates would fit these categories? I’ve learned from 3 Nobel laureates and have worked with a 4th for the last 2 years. Without exception, they have been friendly, down-to-earth, kind, and helpful. They’re most certainly not inaccessible or arrogant. Especially my current colleague: one of the most thoughtful human beings I’ve known. In times when I’ve wondered how to act in particular situations, I’ve tried to follow what he would do. It has always led to a good outcome. Being successful – even top of the world successful - does not mean that you are a less decent human being.

    “Creative, sensitive men”: can we count musicians and writers among these? Only one I know is intense and moody. The rest are just regular decent guys. If anything, when they find out what I do, they act all impressed and kow-towing, whereas I in turn am impressed by what they do!

    I don’t know, Evan. People are just people. The vast, vast majority of guys I know are decent, regardless of their success or income or field. 

  23. 23
    Ruby

    I am confused by the direction this threads has gone in. For me, the lesson here is that you can do everything right, and the guy can still turn out to be a douchecanoe. I think the whole point of date-coaching, however, is that in order to find love, you must persevere. So all these issues of masculine/feminine energy seem extraneous to me. Personality differences aren’t really masculine or feminine; certainly it wasn’t Jennifer’s being too masculine that caused her relationship to end; it was her boyfriend turning out to be a jerk.

  24. 24
    Saint Stephen

    @Jadafisk and other ladies
    What is so confusing about the masculine and feminine energy? Is simple. positive and negative. stamen and pistil. why is it so hard to fathom? i think you ladies deliberately choose to turn a blind eye to what Evan is saying even though you know is the truth.
    Men aren’t attracted to women for exactly the same qualities that made them got attracted to us. If you are a highly successful Man it potential enhances your dating pool, while it does the exact opposite for a woman. and reason been that is more easier for women to feast on a man’s money than the other way round.
    How many highly successful women do you know who bought a man a ring or necklace of $1 million dollar? i’m guessing the answer would be non. is more paramount to a Man that you are nurturing and supportive- rather than slaying dragons. 

    Helen Said: (#21)
     Women who love their work are the best partners. 
    Going by your logic- why aren’t celebrity Marriages working out?
    Jennifer Lopez is a successful singer and actress who just got divorced for the fourth time. would you presume she didn’t love her work? Evan is saying that women like her would be more prone to desiring more success than making a man happy, which is why marriages like hers and other career bound women would be more likely to fail.

    Jadafisk Said (#26)
    Also, why would a person look for qualities that, when it comes down to it, they don’t value enough to cultivate in themselves? If you really care about success, why wouldn’t you go out and get it instead of trying to parasite off of someone else’s? If you really care about nurturing, why wouldn’t YOU try to be more nurturing? I’m a little confused by this entire phenomenon. 

    Evan Marc Katz Said (#6)
    I have great respect, admiration and attraction for those women. I just decided that I didn’t want to marry her. Because she’s just like me. And I want – and many masculine achieving men want – a softer, less driven partner who takes care of them.

    Evan Mark Katz Said (#19)
    Successful partnerships are, most often, complements, not clones. 

    Evan Marc Katz Said (#20)
     but you’re just like me. And I don’t want to marry myself. It’s too much work.
    Jadafisk, with all due respect, you mean Evan and other Men should develop feminine traits before they can be deemed worthy to desire females with such traits? And wouldn’t that bounce back to what he is desperately avoiding? Evan said he didn’t want to marry his clone. and is just like you saying females who desire masculine men should develop the masculine traits themselves. your point makes entirely no sense to me.

    Evan Marc Katz Said (#2)
    It’s more important to him that you laugh at his jokes.
    Evan you are so Right and i perfectly concur. That’s one of the ways i know when a chic digs me. she makes me feel like a super comedian. :)
     

  25. 25
    Maria

    This article and comment threat is GREAT and have kept me on my toes. 
    I like how Evan replies back to comments and questions, then, he keeps it REAL. This by far is THE MOST entertaining, interesting dating blog for women from a MAN.
    Ladies: You do not have to agree, but Evan is right. I have learned so much about feminine and masculine energy from other dating coaches but EVan broke it DOWN! I hit a AH HA moment. I am a mentally exhausted entrepreneur who is honestly tired to trying to make things happen. So, learning about masculine energy helps me to let walls down and learn to be feminine again……
    The issue with you ladies are, you want a relationship but you also want to argue with a MAN about what his observation and opinion is on OTHER MEN. Would you rather listen to a woman? Or do you just want to continue living a lie?

    I appreciate male advice. I ABSORB it and use it. I am successfully dating. I make mistakes, but I am not going to argue with a man whom i am coming to for advice just because i dont like the way it sounds.

    I am not trying to insult of put anyone down, but some of you ladies really should consider looking at yourselves. I had to. And I am lot more successful with men. 
    No, I dont have my committment yet, but I have confidence and I am willing to learn. FROM A MAN.

    I sure hope this has touched someone’s heart.  

  26. 26
    Jadafisk

    Saint Stephen – I’m asking where does the desire for a complement come from… I’m also asking about if women who don’t want an extremely masculine hard charging achiever type should follow the same advice as women who do.

  27. 27
    Ruby

    EMK said (original post):
    By embracing your feminine energy, you know that YOU are the gatekeeper to great dates and that YOU can bring out the best in every single man. Which means you’ll never have to wonder where you stand; in fact, your inner confidence will radiate that it’s up to YOU to decide if HE gets to see you again. What an amazing paradigm shift, especially if you’re a woman who sometimes gets nervous around the most impressive men.


    Then he says, a few sentences later: Your strongest move after such an incident is to be like the attractive man: independent, emotionally, intelligent, and confident.

    So which is it? Feminine energy while you’ve got the guy, but return to masculine energy if you lose him? 

    St Stephen wrote:
    Evan is saying that women like her would be more prone to desiring more success than making a man happy, which is why marriages like hers and other career bound women would be more likely to fail.

    Actually, marriages of older, college-educated women are half as likely to fail as those of younger, non-college-educated women. In fact, over the last 30 years, divorce rates have fallen substantially for the college-educated, while they have risen for lower-income couples without college degrees.

    1. 27.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ruby – as some of my detractors have pointed out, these things aren’t mutually exclusive.

      In other words, you can be independent, emotionally intelligent and confident and still extremely feminine. Furthermore, I think we can all agree that feminine energy doesn’t mean “dependent, emotionally foolish and insecure”.

      So let’s not make dishonest cases here. I’ve never suggested that dating is a black and white, either/or type arrangement. No man is pure masculine, no woman is pure feminine. We’re all blends. But we’d be well served to be aware of these stereotypes and find a partner who is a good fit for our lives, not merely someone you find attractive. Despite what Helen says, there IS truth to most stereotypes. Are there beautiful women who don’t know they’re beautiful? I suppose. Self-made millionaires who don’t work that hard? Possibly. Hard-driving corporate attorneys who work 2300 hours a year and still make time to decompress and nurture their partners? I guess. But they are the exception, not the rule. My job is to give the rules.

      Just because you know of the exception doesn’t negate the fact that I’m speaking from a place of truth and trying to frame dating in a fashion that applies to as many women as possible. If you’re a woman CEO who wants to date a male CEO, you can’t be surprised if he prefers a woman who is a little more available to him on his terms. Oh, and if you insist on disagreeing with me, why don’t you pick up a book by the patron saint of smart, strong, successful women, Maureen Dowd, called “Are Men Necessary”, where she openly muses why she’s single and why her male counterparts are more likely to marry their assistants than their bosses. It’s not because they’re intimidated. It’s because their assistants are more likely to be classically “supportive”, which is a quality that THEY want more than any other.

      In fact, I was at a party tonight with a bunch of guys. I brought up this question and the consensus (verifying my theory espoused in Why He Disappeared) was that the top things that men look for in women are fun, attractive, supportive, emotionally generous, likes to try new things, low drama, doesn’t talk his ear off and fundamentally sane. Nowhere does “successful” or “highly educated” or “would argue with an eskimo about the properties of snow” come up. I will once again remind you that you CAN be a VP of business development at an internet start up with a double masters in business and law and still be ALL of the above. It’s just a lot easier for a woman who doesn’t put her career and achievements first to be able to demonstrate this emotionally and physical availability.

      Finally, the SAME goes for men. The best husband is probably not Jeffrey Katzenberg, who has been known to have two business breakfasts before 7am. If women are still willing to line up for him because he’s a billionaire, that’s great. Men won’t be lining up for the equivalent woman is all I’m saying. As the guy here, I would think you’d take what I have to say seriously instead of continuing the argument and telling me I’m wrong about what the majority of men want.

  28. 28
    Laine

    Why are all the female bloggers against Evan’s advice. It might be to your benefit to take on board what he has to say, because as a man, he knows what men find appealing in women.

    As for all the questions about what is female/male energy..surely you jest. Every person has a combination of both of these energies, with usually one that dominates. Some males have more feminine energy, others more masculine. Same with females. Think of the energy these people project…Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson, Brad Pitt. This is not gender related at all and in same sex couples, one usually exudes the female energy and the other the male.  It is rare thatprojecting  same energies will work out as a couple. For instance, a woman with more dominant male energy will attract a man with more female energy. She may not want this dynamic, but it will happen.

    Evan writes about this well. But for some reason you seem to be taking it personally. Why would that be?

  29. 29
    Saint Stephen

    Jadafisk Said (#31)
     I’m asking where does the desire for a complement come from?
     The desire comes from wanting to seek out the qualities you know you don’t fully possess, from your spouse- to make you whole. Religious marriage uses the term of “two becoming one” because it was naturally assumed that you were incomplete prior to your spouse coming into your life. and that’s why he/she is called your better half- not your exact half.

    Jadafisk Said (#31)
    I’m also asking about if women who don’t want an extremely masculine hard charging achiever type should follow the same advice as women who do.
    Every man still has an element of masculinity in him. based on that i can say yes, you still need to follow the same advice, but not to the very degree of a woman who needs an extremely masculine guy.

    The way i see it, the reason why Evan advises his smart, strong, successful female clients to tone down their personality traits in the dating world is because what makes men successful in their respective careers, gives them a greater chance of success in their dating life- but hampers that of women. and is far more easier to to find women who wants a take charge, successful, traditional masculine men, which is why you seldom find smart, strong, successful men complain about not been able to get married.  
     
    @Ruby (#32)
    Actually, marriages of older, college-educated women are half as likely to fail as those of younger, non-college-educated women. In fact, over the last 30 years, divorce rates have fallen substantially for the college-educated, while they have risen for lower-income couples without college degrees.
    And how exactly did non-college educated people came into this discussion? Evan used his wife to give a paradigm. or are you saying she is non-college educated?
    We are talking about the upper average class, as compared to the average class. Evan was emphasizing that assertive career minded women aren’t likely to make to make a good spouse- Helen was saying loving their jobs will make them happy women and best partners.
    I broached up celebrities, as they happened to be the first thought that came to mind when talking about women who love their profession/career, evidenced by the crazy hours they put into their work. but fail woefully when it gets down to marriage/relationship.
     

  30. 30
    Ruby

    St Stephen

    I’m talking about higher-earning, college-educated, career-oriented women, including EMK’s wife. Being those things doesn’t make a woman a ball-buster. I’m not sure how celebrities factor in to the discussion, since they are a tiny and unique percentage of the population. 

     

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