Where Are All the Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men?

I’m a 42 year old single mom who is very attractive (I look about 7 years younger), fun, has a great smile and laugh (and does both a LOT), emotionally stable, and not looking to race to the altar. And I definitely fit the definition of a “cool chick” – and my guy friends will confirm:-).”

Unfortunately, the pool of men that I’m dating from (early to mid 40s, usually divorced) are pretty messed up. A number of them want younger women (never mind that I look much younger) – didn’t anyone tell these guys that women hit their sexual prime over 40:-)?
I’m besieged by the 50+ set even though our lives are completely different (like my kids are young and theirs are grown and they don’t want anymore). A number of gentlemen I’ve met shouldn’t have been dating at all because they are still grieving. And the most surprising phenomenon that I’ve witnessed in this pool of men is that being a pretty, happy, vivacious “cool chick” is a big negative strike against me. I’m amazed at how many of them fall for the psycho Bs and drama queens.

My last (short-term – I can’t find one healthy enough to become long term!) boyfriend told me I was the first mentally healthy woman he dated in 3 years. But although I had everything he wanted in a woman, he didn’t feel any “chemistry” for me – so he went back to a younger woman who had serious enough issues that she lost custody of her kids. And he is not the only guy I’ve encountered like this. Another date, who didn’t feel chemistry with me but we became friends, I’ve watched him fall for all the women who don’t want to give him the time of day. He gets his butt kicked time and again and then cries on my shoulder.

I’ve tried all the big dating websites and I go out a lot (that is another weird phenomenon – men my age sit home on the weekends and don’t go out and do anything so I never meet anyone by just going out and having fun). So Evan where can I find the emotionally available mentally healthy men who will appreciate a woman like me? Thanks!!!!!

Joan

A very honest letter, Joan, which is particularly timely, given yesterday’s thematically similar posting. I anticipate that you speak for a lot of readers out there – quality woman who are frustrated at their ability to meet quality men. I can tell, from your tone, that you’re speaking your truth, based on your experience, and I would never attempt to negate it. However, I would like to expand on your truth. Maybe put it into a different perspective.

If we take everything you wrote at simply face value, you’re pretty close to the perfect woman. Young for your age, emotionally stable, cool, etc. This is good news. Now, by your estimation, there are no men out there who are either a) interested or b) qualified for a long-term relationship. Let’s analyze both of those things. And let’s delve into the assertion that “being a pretty, happy, vivacious ‘cool chick’ is a big negative strike against you. Because that’s simply untrue.

What is true is that your options are unfairly limited. This is a dilemma that faces any woman on the far side of 35. Your value goes up – your self-awareness, your experience, your wisdom, your sex drive, your income – and yet, to men, your value goes down. And the main reasons it goes down are because he wants to have kids or because he’s still a slave to the Maxim aesthetic. One reason that women rarely want to consider (and I’m not necessarily applying this to you, Joan), is that with their experience comes a darker lining. Moxie hit it on the head in yesterday’s post that successful, intelligent woman can often be anxious, self-righteous, negative, and entitled. These are not the adjectives women use to describe themselves; these are the adjectives that men often use to describe you based on their own dating experiences.

A relevant aside: Last year, it dawned on me that for every “crazy girl” dating story I had, there was a woman on the other end who was telling her own version of the story, except that in her version, she’s the heroine and I’m the bad guy. We all have myopia when it comes to dating. It’s much easier to find fault in others than it is to find it in ourselves. Studies have shown that people in couples overestimate what they bring to relationships – their generosity, their emotional availability – because they are exclusively inside their own heads. We remember our good deeds more than others’ good deeds. We don’t keep track of how many times our partner kept his/her mouth shut for the sake of harmony. But our partner does. Each of us thinks we’re the martyr.

So am I saying that you, Joan, are anxious and negative? Not at all. What I am saying is that you’re only seeing things from your own perspective. Which is limited. If you’ve gone out with a handful of guys who ended up with drama queens, that brings up a very obvious question: why would any man prefer a drama queen over you? If you think it’s because men like drama, I’ll have to respectfully disagree. I wrote about this in Why You’re Still Single. Once a man reaches a certain age, he prefers easy relationships. When we’re younger, we may tolerate craziness, just because we’re lonely or desperate for sex. But as we mature and value ourselves, we tend to court what makes sense for us in the long term. I’m not suggesting that the drama queens make sense to your ex’s, per se. I am challenging you to consider why he’d choose them over you at all. We’re largely rational beings. There has to be some reason, right?

I was on a plane two days ago and found myself seated next to an attractive and wealthy 59-year-old man. We got to talking and I learned that, not surprisingly, he had a predilection for younger women. In addition to the obvious physical attraction reasons, this man emphasized that it was so much EASIER to go out with a younger woman who has not yet been scarred by life. Someone who is up for anything. Someone who doesn’t judge. Someone who doesn’t tell you how to act. Keep in mind if you’re reading this that a younger woman doesn’t have to be a sycophant or a brainless chimp (although some insecure men are just fine with that). But for the men you’re interested in, the younger woman just has to be open and fun and easy to get along with. This is one of the things that women often ignore when they question the tastes of men. Every time I hear a woman saying that she “intimidates” men, this is what comes to mind. First of all, you don’t want to be with a man who is intimidated by you. Second of all, the greater likelihood is that not that he’s intimidated, but that he doesn’t want to be challenged by you on every little matter. This doesn’t mean he wants you to “dumb it down.” It means he wants you to “take it easy.”

That said, men ARE impossibly shallow. I struggle with it in my coaching every day. Clients who tell me, as they show me their lists of hot, underaged favorites, “I can’t help what I’m attracted to”. Yeah. There’s not much we can do about that. It’s why the 50+ set is interested in you. Just know that there ARE men out there who are looking for peers. My 60-year-old Mom married a 60-year-old guy. I’ve had single parent clients find the love of their lives on Match.com, JDate and Nerve. It happens all the time.

But one thing I’ve learned from years of dating and dating coaching, is that there’s nothing to learn when placing the blame squarely on everybody else. I hear your pain in your email, Joan. It’s frustrating out there. I completely agree. But I assume your question was not simply looking for validation: “You’re perfect. Men suck. Don’t change.” A question seeks an answer. And if you’re not arriving at the answers yourself, it’s useful to get another perspective. In this case, a male perspective.

Listen, if you’re dating online with a great profile, great photos, healthy flirting technique and a long-term subsecription, great. If you’re going out and doing things you love and putting yourself in the position to meet like-minded men, great. If you’re still finding that there isn’t one quality man in the world who wants a quality woman like you, I have to question something. There are quality men out there – even if they’re few and far between. Most of them want to date someone younger – because they can. But if you are all the things you say you are, I have no doubt that some quality single dad is going to grab you and never let you go.

Just don’t make the mistake in assuming that there are no emotionally available men, that men prefer drama, or that men don’t want “cool” women. Because that type of false thinking doesn’t lead to anything positive.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    june

    Wow, what a lot of commentary going round and round in circles! I can only speak from my experience about men.I am saddened that the men I seem to attract are not very nice. They want some kind of relationship with me because I am easy to be with and not demanding..that has been my downfall. There are men on this site that tell women to just relax and give the guys they date an easy time. Well, I have done that and have always end up being used and dumped. I have not been demanding, I have not rung constantly, not complained and been thoughtful and giving, thinking I would be loved in return…wrong. The men I have been with have taken my easy going attitude as permission to treat me with disrespect. I am not a stupid woman, just trying to be uncomplcated but men have then walked all over me. No wonder I am now disillusioned and angry. I think I have given and given and given only to have men take and take and take. And don’t get me started on the good sex I have given them only to have them refuse to please me in bed! I never wanted to be a doormat and never thought I was..just trying to be nice and giving but it certainly is not true that the more you give the more you receive!

  2. 122
    sjvenden

    I have had two serious relationships in my life so far.. Hopefully the current relationship I am in is life long.. I did not grow up with any consistent male influences, and I have been seriously hurt by some men in the past… Interaction can be rather difficult for me.. It feels like I am treading water.. or walking through the dark.. I understand that there is a major difference between men and women on most things in life.. My point here is just because one man or a handful of men have hurt you in the past, don’t count them out… Having an open communication is very important, both parties need to understand were the other one is coming from.. Yes I have issues communicating with my partner, but I make an effort to try to get my point a crossed without being so dramatic.. easier said then done sometimes… What I have seen in my adult life, and through my own experiences is an open mind.. and the willingness to listen, even if its been the hundredth time he said that or repeated a story.. And if you have something important that you would like to tell a guy or you want to find something out, and you want to be blunt but you feel it may be a turn off for your guy, turn the statement into a question.. to start the conversation… (probably the best advice that I got from a male friend)… It works! I have noticed that when a guy is trying to share their true feelings about something, it hard for them.. Like the world is finding out some big secret… that they have feelings and they get hurt just as easily as women.. but if they so it then they are being “unmannly” or “unmancho”…. weak … so sometimes a guy is sharing their feelings but its not so direct.. “I Feel this way”…etc etc.. they’re feelings are between the lines sort of speak… and harder for women to see… turning the mouth off and turning up the ear to hear.. and you may be surprised… not all men are jerks, just there is a bunch out there…

  3. 123
    khadija

    Replying to June, it’s certainly true that you have to be a bit selfish as a woman. You have to put yourself first, value your needs, engage in little to no self-criticism (if you do, it’s for two seconds and it’s constructive and that’s it), clarify what you want and set high standards for them. Don’t let them into your heart or on your body or give them emotional support like a wife would give if they don’t meet those standards. I used to be like you and I was used and discarded exactly the same way. Men don’t like women who are too harsh – or too soft. You need to be a bit selfish and put yourself first. Selfish and loving can coexist. Putting yourself first doesn’t make you a bad person. What I had was ‘nice girl syndrome’.

  4. 124
    Kurt S.

    If Joan is as attractive as she claims to be, I bet that there are men her own age who are interested in her.  However, she probably thinks that those guys are unattractive or boring or whatever and instead aims only for the “hottest” guys her age.  However, the “hottest” guys in their mid-40s are also very attractive to women younger and possibly hotter than Joan is, so it isn’t surprising that they also go for the most attractive women they can get.
     
    Maybe Joan had the pick of the litter when she was in her 20s and is shocked that she no longer gets the same level of attention now that she is 42 and a single mother.  I suppose that would be a blow to her ego.

  5. 125
    Denise

    You need to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

    Selfish is NOT the right word.

    There is NOTHING wrong with looking out for our own self interests. 

    There is NOTHING wrong with building a strong boundary–where we choose who we let into our lives and choose what type of behavior we are willing to accept or not accept. 

    Both of the above apply to all relationships in life.  Keeping focus on that makes us kind but firm, strong but empathetic–and, most importantly, keeps us focused on these things we can control, which is only ourselves.

  6. 126
    anonymous

    After reading through all these comments, it struck me that Evan’s original advice had a fatal flaw that tipped off the whole thread in this negatively spiraling manner.

    He read into Joan’s comments and suggested she had a fatal flaw in her personality, which was based on not any knowledge he had of her, but rather on a certain stereotype or image he had in his head of the older woman who is angry because men have let her down in her life. He then tried to tell her (assuming that she must be the kind of person that complicates things, because he had the assumption that this is how women are) and then tried to tell her a stereotypical idea that all men want is something that she is supposedly not (and by implication, cannot be. She is not “young” supposedly and she is supposedly not simple.)

    Personally I think there is some credance to the argument that inexperience or “simplness” is attractive when one’s ego is in need of being propped up. It does seem like “simpleness” stands in as a veiled desire to go back to the days when women could not demand anything really of their relationships (marriages) with men because they were not able to be financially independant, and had been socially conditioned to be emotionally dependant on men.

    Really, I don’t buy into the argument that men are by the thread’s implication “simpler” than women. They are often all the more complicated and make the relationship difficult because they don’t voice their feelings. (which can lead to emotional, anger issues.)

    It is notable however, that while the higher divorce rates keep being cited in this thread, no one has pointed out that these they are propped up superficially so, because historically, it was much more difficult to get divorces, and so there were many many more instances of separated families (one or more spouse disappearing from the family picture.) Apparently if you compare these numbers with present day divorce rates the numbers are nearly the same.

    Relationships are difficult. However, from reading this thread it has become apparent to me that when men say they want simple, what they really want is someone who will give a lot and not ask them for very much. A model which is now outdated to western women’s expectations. Women in turn, are asking for perhaps too much, because these men were often raised to be this way. If we don’t raise our boys to be giving and thoughtful, how are we going to get the men they grow into to be that way? And stop seeing the situation as polarized or as either gender being inherently one way or the other, which is what Evan instated in his initial advice.

    My advice to Joan is to go ask your guy friends for feedback, and look at the factors that attract you to a particular man. You might be attracted to unhealthy personal attributes that lay the groundword for these failed relationships. Try dating a different kind of guy than you’re used to dating. But most of all try to get at the source of the problem through self knowledge and respectfully with the help of people that know you. Buying into these assumptions about who you are, just because you are a woman, is not productive.

  7. 127
    JP

    Thanks, anonymous.  You’ve hit on what made Evan’s post so provocative and why it strikes many as unfair. A fitting “last word” to end my reading of this thread on.

  8. 128
    Let's Get Real

    The remarks made by some of the men who replied do not surprise me in the least. I have yet to meet a man who is totally “easy-going” and “fun” just like the younger women they say they want to be with. These men have an inflated image of who they are. As an attractive 45 year old woman, I’ve had my share of seemingly intelligent men with good jobs and good looks. The truth of the matter is these men have flaws such as not being easy -going,not being very much fun and being anxious ( given the right circumstances ). The very sam, flaws they claim mature women possess. Life is complex and so are people;both men and women alike. People are not groceries lists. A man or woman with depth and wisdom are more likely to have meaningful long term relationships. Grocery list people are usually narcissistic. They are looking for that perfect someone who doesn’t exist. Ladies please do not compromise. Make a rich and rewarding life for yourselves. Find peace and contentment inside and the right man will come. Hopefully, it won’t be any of the men who responded to this website.

  9. 129
    Karen

    Hi-I couldn’t help joining in!  I found the article extremely interesting and I think it is probably true.
    I’m one of those fabulous divorced midlife women mentioned in the article–I got divorced 5 years ago at 45 (my ex moved in with his secretary), but I look and feel great, I have a great career & finances, my kids are almost grown. I’ve dated a lot since my divorce.
    I would agree that it’s mostly men slightly older than me have been most interested in dating me–men in their 50’s to late 50’s–which is a bit frustrating for me. I’d prefer a younger man because I’m always mistaken for younger myself, and looking ahead I’d rather not marry a man that much older than me because by the time I retire from my job he might actually be dead! But on the other hand, these older men seem to have their lives together more than the men in their 40’s that I’ve dated who have been without exception the most screwed up men I’ve ever met.
    I would disagree however with another point of the article—every single man I’ve dated even slightly long term (these have been the guys with their lives together) has been desperate to get married to me (or anyone I think). It always comes up after 9 months or so of dating. I’m happy to get physical with my man, but to contemplate moving in together or marrying anytime soon (OMG!)
    I’d prefer to wait a good long time and just enjoy dating and spending time together. I’m not trying to have a family–I already have one. I do want to find a good man to eventually marry and enjoy retirement with, but right now I have a lot of other worries and responsibilities–I don’t need a new husband too!  I have teenagers living at home still, I have financial responsibilities in terms of their college educations, my job, and my parents. Why would I risk all of that because of a guy I’ve dated for less than a year? And to take on yet more laundry and cooking and cleaning? Sorry guys, you’ll have to wait!
    So, from my experience as a midlife woman, it seems like the men who are seeking commitment. Maybe because it’s “easier” for them?  I do think that men like being married in most cases, because they have someone to make a home for them.

  10. 130
    Joe

    Karen, are the “desperate to get married” guys more often divorced, or more often never-married?

  11. 131
    ambassador

    Why is it all so hard in the West? Well, there is a lot less emphasis on human connectedness, spontaneity and emotion. It’s about the total social contract, and Western societies are driven by the culture of prolonged adoloscence, youthfulness and superficiality. Hence the issues people of either gender are facing there. Except that – men are at an advantage, as everywhere, purely due to set up of the contemporary society.

    And to the person who wrote about wanting women to be women and blaming women’s liberation movement, have you checked some facts such as that most households need two people to work to pay off their mortgage and just afford ‘the dream’? Maybe it’s got something to do with the unhappy women, still doing 2/3rds of the world hours, regardless of where they are.

  12. 132
    ambassador

    … oh, and one more thing — even the concept of having a personal trainer for ‘women who want to fall in love’ … I mean, what are we? Robots? We are WIRED for love!

  13. 133
    Es-kah-rola

    There is a lot to be said for all these opinions.  They are opinions. The bashing is a turn-off.

  14. 134
    jackie

    After 2 divorces and feeling like I was an attractive, young looking, intelligent, successful female I came to the conclusion I was doing something wrong. NOT them……. not all those uncaring unavailable men out there – but me. my 2nd short marriage to a narcissist was a disaster and helped me realise I was attracting or being attracted to the wrong sort of guy. I knew there were good guys out there – they were the happily married ones.

    THERAPY – more than two years of it showed me what was wrong. A very unhappy childhood with a distant unavailable mother had primed me to be attracted to unavailable men. What they offered felt so familiar I fell for it each time. I probably didn’t even notice the decent, loving men who showed interest. I thought I was sorted but I wasn’t. If anyone is having problems in finding a healthy relationship then try therapy to look at how you are operating and where you are going wrong.

    Now at 64 I am 8 months into a relationship with a kind, loving, sexy man only 5 years older than me. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and checking out all my insecurities with my therapist but so far it feels good. It also feels strange because I’m not too good at honest availability myself…but I am learning.

  15. 135
    Sexygenerian

    An observation that
    women who have been “chased” possibly develop an expectation or attitude that this will continue.
    It’s hard to accept that one has lost some of our earlier appeal to the opposite sex.

    Honest self realization and change of attitude is required if our actions are not getting the desired results.

  16. 136
    Tara

    I think we all have issue and we all have to deal with them individually. There will never be a “correct” answer to this delima because no one wants to hear the truth about oneself. We all have the asshole gene, whether you be male or female. We choose when we want it to surface and when we want to supress it. But keep brainstorming and maybe you will find that advice from another isn’t really what you wanted.

  17. 137
    Underenthusiastic

    I am personally amazed at this discussion. Why do so many people (men and women) choose to view dating and relationships, even marriage, as a game; one that pits man against woman, and one which must be “won”? Isn’t the whole point to find someone you can share a life with, or at least a little time, and enjoy the company of? In a long-term relationship, shouldn’t we be looking for someone who brings out the best in us and makes our life together better than either of our lives apart were? No wonder the divorce rate is so high: everyone seems to have forgotton the whole point!

  18. 138
    Jo

    Hello everyone. Wow what a debate. I’ve been scrolling fairly quickly after the last 30 mins of reading, as it’s my opinion, that a large majority of people here..not men or women..people..could profit from working on their emotional maturity.
    I’m a 40 yr old woman. Nearly 6ft athletic naturally pretty but honestly.. beauty’s in the eye of the beholder so i couldn’t care less. The attributes i think that count are i’m a kind and tolerante joyous loving personality. I couldn’t give a care what a man earns$ unless it’s my respect, love and devotion.
    I agree whole heartedly with Rob comment 119.
    Profoundly what comes across in all these debates seems to be, that once people start talking about romance they completely forget the simple undeniable truth of what a relationship really is and why everyone wants one… to be friends and compliment each other irrelevent of where your at in life.
    So i’d suggest radical acceptance of everybody’s point of view if that’s what they think, well ok, hope that works for you.
    My friends have similar interests, moral codes, authenticity, depth, generosity, flexibilty etc and we never have a problem communicating and finding new ways of supporting each other and evolving into better people.
    The bad relationships i’ve had in the past were due to men not being honest nor authentic and neither was i. Both equally emotionally immature. They were spoilt self serving unreasonable and disrespectful men who had bad attitudes and didn’t like the consequenses to their choices. I on the other hand constantly changed my boundaries and ethics to a lesser value to accept sub par behaviour which resulted in an unhappy and unbalanced relationship, severely in their favour. I spoilt men who gave me very little of what i deserved and wanted. If you except less from the start, your going to end up with alot more less by the end.
    So..rather than complaining they were selfish unfair fools, i asked myself why i was such a fool for ever tolerating such low quality. None of these people had the ability to build a good relationship, and none of them were like my friends in attributes.
    Therefore..I had to change. So now i’m emotionally healthy but continue to evolve, and i find it is most definately that ‘like attracts like’. If your emotionally immature you’ll be attracted to and they to you. Ying and Yang. Push/Pull. Instead of Dance.
    If your mature, you’ll be balanced and happy and enjoying life irrespective and you’ll find lots of people who fit the bill.
    All my relationships are compatible, respectful, supportive, endearing etc because i’m emotionally mature. Life is of a much better quality and i’ve been working on myself for 2 yrs single, happy to see the proof of what works in a happier life. I am no longer attracted to emotionally immature men, nor they to me. The big boys however..just love me and i they. Yes they are fewer, irrelevant of age. But the creame of the crop always is. He’ll love me all the more because i’m so rare and vice versa. Appreciation will not be an issue. For now, i have an increasing amount of valuable people in my life and i’m grateful that they think i’m pretty special too.
    So.. people.. don’t give up.. grow up.

  19. 139
    Jo

    Apologies about my spelling in the prior post everyone. Typing fast and haven’t slept.
    Just read post 137 by Underenthusiastic. YEAH!!! You are so right. The power dynamics are prevelent in the comments aren’t they? No wonder about the divorce rates. Push/Pull. A whole lot of misery and no growth. To think these people are our community? (wink)(smurk)

    Emotionally mature people .. Dance. Give/Give. A sway of back and forth consideration. Their goal is to build a complimentary relationship. Not a lop sided one. There are no power games involved. A mature person will simply drop the rope once the other plays push/pull.

    So you see.. the only reason you can be involved with a bad dynamic is if you choose to play or your not aware of the rules of engagement. Both equal emotional maturity and relationship skills.
    Once you’ve acheived that.. ALL your main relationships will encompass a give/give dance full of trust, respect and consideration and growth.
    No need to bash your opponent over the head with your opinions. Respect they have the right to theirs and drop the rope. They’ll find someone else to tussle with, always ending in the same dysfunction.
    Honestly everyone i’m sympathetic to your pain. If your questioning why you can’t find the right people in life, it certainly starts with you. If your intimate relationships are failing so dismally, it may well be that your counterpart is at fault but if you were emotionally mature, you’d know that before the relationship evolved too far and you’d have dropped the rope.

    I hope this helps everyone. It would be lovely to hear miles of happy comments instead. I wish you all happiness.

  20. 140
    Love

    I am 30 something and am dating someone 12 years my junior.  All I can say is that when I changed my perception of what relationships should look like I opened myself to the time of my life! 

  21. 141
    tryandfindus

    Perhaps I missed a few comments somewhere up there and am rehashing points already discussed, but that ‘verbosity’ guy’s tedious posts in which he reiterated the same sh!t over and over again were unfortunately forcing me to skim a bit in places.
    I’m not 50, I’m not 42, I’m 30, and if that makes me “a kid” [whose viewpoints are therefore not valid] or “immature” in the eyes of some here, so be it….but has no one mentioned that the OP has children, and that may be a hindrance when it comes to finding men?
    I don’t care how awesome, free-spirited or fun a girl is…if she has kids, that’s a deal-breaker -period-. I don’t want my own children, and certainly don’t want to help raise some other man’s kids, knowing that I’d *always* be number-two in the woman’s eyes; as it should be, children should come first.
    And I realize that shrinks my dating pool significantly, and that it will likely get worse as I get older, but I don’t want to “settle” for a someone with whom I am incompatible on a very significant level, simply to be in a relationship – or because I’m supposedly “out of options”.
    There’s ALWAYS another option of some sort…there’s f#cking billions of people on this planet of all ages, educational backgrounds, sexual orientations, political persuasions, and income levels (many people are superficial enough to place huge importance upon the latter criterion).
    And if you absolutely cannot find *anyone* with whom you are compatible, then embrace your singleness; life is not empty and pointless just because you don’t have a ring on your finger (or a baby in a crib), and if you need the validation of a relationship to be content in your life, then you obviously have some major insecurities of some sort.
    I don’t get a lot of attention from girls, so I don’t wish to come across as a “hip single bachelor” (also known as a “player”) who has his choice of attractive women and can afford to be picky. Loneliness sucks – I’ve been there, in fact, I’m still in the exact same boat – sh!t, its downright depressing…but so is giving up (been there, too).
    And I really am loathe to generalize, but if some of these posts are indicative of the thought processes and attitudes of average “older” single women, then I’ll stick to dating women in their 20s.
    Would you girls want to date a stick-in-the-mud older guy, who is cold, stoic, emotionally distant, and devoid of passion and excitement? 
    Probably not.
    So why would we guys want to date a female with these same negative traits?
    We don’t.
     
    Here’s some unsolicited advice:
    Lighten up *A LOT*, and drop the bitter, jaded act, even if this was legitimately caused by d!ckhole men from your past; we’ve all been wronged by some a$$hole at some point, and certainly take your time if necessary putting whatever-it-is behind you (life hurts!) …but don’t carry that baggage around, ready to foist it upon a new prospect.
    And stop with the games, (“hard to get,” etc) seriously. Men don’t like games and we aren’t telepathic…we like direct and, yes, “simple”. Maybe the games thing was the thing to do back when you were 16-25…but come on, grow up a bit.
    And remember how to have fun and enjoy life! :-) I’m guessing you knew how to, “back in the day”…
    Sitting around moping is not going to help matters at all; stress ages you, keep in mind. A happier attitude will contribute to keeping your youthful looks, if nothing else.
     
    – peace
    (and if my viewpoints on this subject radically change in the next ten years, then I shall humbly accept admonishment, LOL)

  22. 142
    helen

    I don’t see that this woman got a decent answer to her concern.  It is a carefully written letter describing that she is NOT a negative unattractive person, nor is she looking in all the wrong places or just not creating enough opportunities.  Evan knows full well there is truth in her plea for help, he has built a business on the perpetuating the myth that women just aren’t good enough.
    Even the men will tell you there are few decent men out there, including the married ones.  They often shy from befriending these men themselves, citing any number of common reasons why they are not like “that” guy.  Statistically, men cite their closest or only companion to be their wife or female significant other, not a male friend (despite the recent popularity of bromance movies).
    Then there are just basic statistics such as population by gender, domestic violence, obesity, unemployment, mental disability, imprisonment ratios, and homosexuality is double the rate in males than it is in females. Duh.
    Rob (119) got it right when he said “He read into Joan’s comments and suggested she had a fatal flaw in her personality, which was based on not any knowledge he had of her, but rather on a certain stereotype or image he had in his head of the older woman who is angry because men have let her down in her life.”

  23. 143
    PJay

    I read the original letter and all the posts in response.
    I have a solution for Joan.  She should become a lesbian and date only women.
    Because women are better in every way and superior to men.
     
     
     
     
    You’re welcome.

  24. 144
    caoanne

    I think some of this advice might be valid.  However, how many of these ‘older men’ actually do date younger women?   

    In my age range -mid 40s-early50s — there is a baby bust, after early 60s, when the population dropped.   This comes back with the millenials, around early 80s.   For a man in his early 50s there are about two of him for every mid 30 something woman out there, and I’d say three fourths of those women are dating guys their own age range, or younger or slightly older.   Where does that leave a guy who doesn’t find one of these women.    I’ve seen this other places, these guys want ‘a woman with no baggage’   The idea that these guys will *find* this woman are facilitated by articles, and media images of guys who supposedly do.  In reality, from my years of singles events and dating, rarely do any of them find this [unless they are very wealthy and can buy a trophy wife]   A story recently told to me of my friend’s boss [rich, living in an $18000 per month townhouse, mid 60s, recently divorced]   wanted to find a woman in her 30s.  He went to the high priced ‘sales events’ so called singles mixers, where wealthy men pay big bucks to find an under 35 yr old women [kind of like events for escorts, only the women are not technically prostitutes].  

     he found one but rejected her because she was a different religion.  He finally ‘settled’ for a woman in her 50s [which his friends were all introducing him to women more close to his age range — he finally had to give in]

    I think this is the real picture for many of these men.   Maybe not the ones on Patti Stanger’s ‘Millionaire matchmaker’ but for real life guys not owning their own corporate jets, the reality.   What do the guys who get these younger women get anyhow?  A woman who wants their money?  Sad, in this age when women can support themselves very well.

      Also the ‘messed up’ guys and women described in this blog by both the woman and the answer to her, are the *norm*, not the outliers.    Most everyone by age 30 [or even age 28] has baggages of all kinds, kids, attitudes formed towards the opposite sex that are hard to lay down, money problems, appearance issues, you name it.   Of course, early 20s and teens have their own problems too.  We are all human, basically is what is comes down to.         
         

  25. 145
    Jeanine

    I am a 50 something, never married career woman.  I don’t always have an enormous amount of time for dating, so I have begged off the entire enterprise.  For every man who claims that younger women are more ‘easy going’–I would remind them that these same younger women are probably examining that man’s checkbook as his most attractive attribute.  Hate to sound so cynical, but I am so sick and tired of listening to male friends whining about how that young thing broke their heart while draining their wallets.  Shallow is as shallow does.  True relationships may begin with some spark of attraction, but they grow and mature from sharing common values and having fun.  
    Oh, and by the way–it is quite a bit to expect someone (female) to be ‘easy going’ when they have cared for everyone else, while holding down a demanding job.  Evan, you are a bit one-sided–just because some older women value their free time and refuse to suffer fools gladly–doesn’t automatically make them ‘nagging shrews.’  Frankly, I wouldn’t want a man who is so fragile he can’t hold up his end of a dynamic conversation.  
    For the record, I am not looking at this point in time.  It’s just too much work.  I also want to have fun–but with an ACTUAL ADULT.  By the way, I am easy-going–if I don’t like what’s going on–I just walk.  I truly don’t appreciate your thinly veiled sexism.  It takes two to tango.

  26. 146
    Amy

    I find this bashing at women and men silly. I guess we all have our opinions. I guess everyone has their own opinions. I am against putting down the opposite gender. If you have a heart, you have a heart. If not I will eventually find out:) I did read something a man wrote here stating men get better with age and women don’t. I will argue with that. I am 42, I exercise, have lot of hobbies and no issues meeting men. I have also been told I look 25. Though this is a nice compliment I prefer being 42. Most men where I live do not exercise or are overweight…I don’t know… maybe they got comfortable when they were married. If you want to attract the right person for you, then be the person you always wanted to be.  It may not always attract exactly what you want, but you may come close. See when you take care of yourself you attract all types of people and that is a compliment…it can be harder to weed through to get to the right one.  The one thing I know is no matter what you he looks like there is nothing like that light inside that shines.  :) Some guy wrote on here that men age better so they like younger women which is his excuse.  Truth is men have hearts and so do women regardless of age. Women date younger men too.

  27. 147
    nick

    excellent post. western women are wanting george cloony and are entitled to him, if they dont get him, or a millionaire (at a push) they tell us all men suck. they are mostly deluded and live in a dream world.
    i’m a 45 yr old man, i’ve given up on western women and i’m getting a foreign bride. its costly, to meet pre-vetted women of course, but they are younger, and easier to get along with. goodbye western women – your horrible pieces of nasty work.

  28. 148
    Lancellote

    I can tell a real woman by asking three questions. Real women is not how sucessful she has been, buit, how she understand the” real meaning of living”/life.
    Lance

  29. 149
    Bongstar420

    I’m 30 yo male and prefer 45+. Why isn’t she looking for younger men?

  30. 150
    jason crain

    try getting rejected by women for 20yrs and have start being intetested n you, after they had a bunch of kid. my turn to reject em. lets show single moms how it feels. its all about revenge,  payback and its feel good to return the favor.

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