Where Are All the Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men?

Where Are All the Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men

I’m a 42 year old single mom who is very attractive (I look about 7 years younger), fun, has a great smile and laugh (and does both a LOT), emotionally stable, and not looking to race to the altar. And I definitely fit the definition of a “cool chick” – and my guy friends will confirm:-).”

Unfortunately, the pool of men that I’m dating from (early to mid 40s, usually divorced) are pretty messed up. A number of them want younger women (never mind that I look much younger) – didn’t anyone tell these guys that women hit their sexual prime over 40:-)?

I’m besieged by the 50+ set even though our lives are completely different (like my kids are young and theirs are grown and they don’t want anymore). A number of gentlemen I’ve met shouldn’t have been dating at all because they are still grieving. And the most surprising phenomenon that I’ve witnessed in this pool of men is that being a pretty, happy, vivacious “cool chick” is a big negative strike against me. I’m amazed at how many of them fall for the psycho Bs and drama queens.

My last (short-term – I can’t find one healthy enough to become long term!) boyfriend told me I was the first mentally healthy woman he dated in 3 years. But although I had everything he wanted in a woman, he didn’t feel any “chemistry” for me – so he went back to a younger woman who had serious enough issues that she lost custody of her kids. And he is not the only guy I’ve encountered like this. Another date, who didn’t feel chemistry with me but we became friends, I’ve watched him fall for all the women who don’t want to give him the time of day. He gets his butt kicked time and again and then cries on my shoulder.

I’ve tried all the big dating websites and I go out a lot (that is another weird phenomenon – men my age sit home on the weekends and don’t go out and do anything so I never meet anyone by just going out and having fun). So Evan where can I find the emotionally available mentally healthy men who will appreciate a woman like me? Thanks!!!!!

Joan

A very honest letter, Joan, which is particularly timely, given yesterday’s thematically similar posting. I anticipate that you speak for a lot of readers out there – quality woman who are frustrated at their ability to meet quality men. I can tell, from your tone, that you’re speaking your truth, based on your experience, and I would never attempt to negate it. However, I would like to expand on your truth. Maybe put it into a different perspective.

If we take everything you wrote at simply face value, you’re pretty close to the perfect woman. Young for your age, emotionally stable, cool, etc. This is good news. Now, by your estimation, there are no men out there who are either a) interested or b) qualified for a long-term relationship. Let’s analyze both of those things. And let’s delve into the assertion that “being a pretty, happy, vivacious ‘cool chick’ is a big negative strike against you. Because that’s simply untrue.

What is true is that your options are unfairly limited. This is a dilemma that faces any woman on the far side of 35. Your value goes up – your self-awareness, your experience, your wisdom, your sex drive, your income – and yet, to men, your value goes down. And the main reasons it goes down are because he wants to have kids or because he’s still a slave to the Maxim aesthetic. One reason that women rarely want to consider (and I’m not necessarily applying this to you, Joan), is that with their experience comes a darker lining. Moxie hit it on the head in yesterday’s post that successful, intelligent woman can often be anxious, self-righteous, negative, and entitled. These are not the adjectives women use to describe themselves; these are the adjectives that men often use to describe you based on their own dating experiences.

A relevant aside: Last year, it dawned on me that for every “crazy girl” dating story I had, there was a woman on the other end who was telling her own version of the story, except that in her version, she’s the heroine and I’m the bad guy. We all have myopia when it comes to dating. It’s much easier to find fault in others than it is to find it in ourselves. Studies have shown that people in couples overestimate what they bring to relationships – their generosity, their emotional availability – because they are exclusively inside their own heads. We remember our good deeds more than others’ good deeds. We don’t keep track of how many times our partner kept his/her mouth shut for the sake of harmony. But our partner does. Each of us thinks we’re the martyr.

So am I saying that you, Joan, are anxious and negative? Not at all. What I am saying is that you’re only seeing things from your own perspective. Which is limited. If you’ve gone out with a handful of guys who ended up with drama queens, that brings up a very obvious question: why would any man prefer a drama queen over you? If you think it’s because men like drama, I’ll have to respectfully disagree. I wrote about this in Why You’re Still Single. Once a man reaches a certain age, he prefers easy relationships. When we’re younger, we may tolerate craziness, just because we’re lonely or desperate for sex. But as we mature and value ourselves, we tend to court what makes sense for us in the long term. I’m not suggesting that the drama queens make sense to your ex’s, per se. I am challenging you to consider why he’d choose them over you at all. We’re largely rational beings. There has to be some reason, right?

I was on a plane two days ago and found myself seated next to an attractive and wealthy 59-year-old man. We got to talking and I learned that, not surprisingly, he had a predilection for younger women. In addition to the obvious physical attraction reasons, this man emphasized that it was so much EASIER to go out with a younger woman who has not yet been scarred by life. Someone who is up for anything. Someone who doesn’t judge. Someone who doesn’t tell you how to act. Keep in mind if you’re reading this that a younger woman doesn’t have to be a sycophant or a brainless chimp (although some insecure men are just fine with that). But for the men you’re interested in, the younger woman just has to be open and fun and easy to get along with. This is one of the things that women often ignore when they question the tastes of men. Every time I hear a woman saying that she “intimidates” men, this is what comes to mind. First of all, you don’t want to be with a man who is intimidated by you. Second of all, the greater likelihood is that not that he’s intimidated, but that he doesn’t want to be challenged by you on every little matter. This doesn’t mean he wants you to “dumb it down.” It means he wants you to “take it easy.”

That said, men ARE impossibly shallow. I struggle with it in my coaching every day. Clients who tell me, as they show me their lists of hot, underaged favorites, “I can’t help what I’m attracted to”. Yeah. There’s not much we can do about that. It’s why the 50+ set is interested in you. Just know that there ARE men out there who are looking for peers. My 60-year-old Mom married a 60-year-old guy. I’ve had single parent clients find the love of their lives on Match.com, JDate and Nerve. It happens all the time.

But one thing I’ve learned from years of dating and dating coaching, is that there’s nothing to learn when placing the blame squarely on everybody else. I hear your pain in your email, Joan. It’s frustrating out there. I completely agree. But I assume your question was not simply looking for validation: “You’re perfect. Men suck. Don’t change.” A question seeks an answer. And if you’re not arriving at the answers yourself, it’s useful to get another perspective. In this case, a male perspective.

Listen, if you’re dating online with a great profile, great photos, healthy flirting technique and a long-term subsecription, great. If you’re going out and doing things you love and putting yourself in the position to meet like-minded men, great. If you’re still finding that there isn’t one quality man in the world who wants a quality woman like you, I have to question something. There are quality men out there – even if they’re few and far between. Most of them want to date someone younger – because they can. But if you are all the things you say you are, I have no doubt that some quality single dad is going to grab you and never let you go.

Just don’t make the mistake in assuming that there are no emotionally available men, that men prefer drama, or that men don’t want “cool” women. Because that type of false thinking doesn’t lead to anything positive.

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Comments:

  1. 211
    cindy

    @Adam

    Its great you love someone as is.  So you should find someone who loves the same way.  There is no argument here, people are different.  I plan to grow and evolve and will have a mate who also plans to grow and evolve, with or without me because that is what he wants to do.  You sound like you want to stay exactly the way you are for the next twenty years, so you should do so with a woman who wants that too.  Some how I think many men are offended when someone suggests change like it is a criticism.  I think its how you take it.  I like constructive criticism, I  like to learn new things, new experiences, which in turn makes me evolve and grow.   I don’t ever want to be the smartest person in the room.  If so, everyone is learning from me and I’m not getting anything.  There is no right or wrong.  You do what works for you and I do what works for me.      I   am happy, are you?       I just want to be around honest people.

     

     

  2. 212
    Keith

    Hi Scott,

    Thanks for the kind words. Loss, growth, and toss in lessons learned; describes me to a T.

  3. 213
    GoWiththeFlow

    It’s interesting that EMK talks about the 59 year old man he sat next to on the plane that said younger women were better to date since they hadn’t been put through the wringer by life and were thus happier and less cynical.  I can tell you, that dynamic works both ways!

    When I was in my mid 30s, I dated a divorced dad who was 12 years older than me.  After 8 months of being with him, it was so refreshing to go back to dating men my own age who hadn’t been through a rough divorce.  There was a tension that radiated from within my ex that just wasn’t there in the younger men.

  4. 214
    cindy

    @Tom10  Well said Sir. You just stated that a woman would have to be nuts to like you for you with all of your flaws.  Very well stated.  You are right and thank you for enlightening all of us.

  5. 215
    James

    Since most single women are very picky today when it comes to finding love which many of them will just grow old all alone with their cats anyway.

  6. 216
    Alex

    Well im a male about to turn 21 in just a few months, and truthfully i find myself paying alot more attention to older women than girls of my age. Mainly for reasons talked about in this article. Females my age are just to much drama to handle and play the victim with everything that happens in the relationship. Plus jealously and being hypocritical are two  characteristics you usually have to deal with when dating within my age group, and i have no patience to deal with neither anymore. When i was younger i liked drama filled relationships and girls who had there own personal issues at home because a crying girl on my shoulder just made me feel wanted and needed. Now years older and wanting to work on myself more than ever i realize i need a women who isnt so easily stressed out over the common issues of life, only because i usually find myself being blamed for something somehow or am being used as an emotional punching bag if their day was bad. I talk to a very wide ranged age group and women much older than me are always point out things they like about me in perspectives ive never thought about before. For example females my age are usually bothered by the fact that im good with people both men and woman. My current girlfriend always tells me she doesnt like how i might talk different around certain people or how she doesnt like that i can hold a conversation with a woman for as long as i do. However when talking about this to an older female coworker she told me it was attractive that i knew how to talk and click with people. She told me shed rather bring a man home to meet her family if he was a people person rather than a man who’d stay at the end of the table on his phone the whole time. I just think the perspective of older woman is what i like so much. Truthfully ive never considered myself the type of guy who judged on looks so being older doesnt discouraged me at all and by that i mean things such as stretch marks from having kids or a little extra weight or loose skin whatever it may be. And by that i should add that some of the most beautiful women ive ever seen were older than me so dont think im trying to say older women are less attractive. I should point out that theres certain characteristics about women with children that i just love, im very attacted to women who have a strong love for their family. Plus older women usually have a better confidence than younger girls. Older women usually dont pride themselves on the thoughts and comments of men attracted to her but rather just doesnt give a crap about what people think of her and has a self built confidence that doesnt rely on having to hear shes beautiful to know she is. I do have my own flaws that i work with and id rather be with someone whos mature enough to admit there own flaws and faults rather than downing me for my own and only expecting me to work on things. I love talking and not arguing and the thought of growing and learning with a person is very important to me. For now i have my focus on my current relationship and we do have a son together. We’ve been together for 4 years and talked for a whole year before making things official, and we’ve lived together for the last 3 years, so believe me im not just some kid who just went through puberty. Im trying hard to make things work but with her wanting to leave me every other week for some new reason tells me that maybe i should keep an open mind about my own future. Since i know she plans for her own without taking me into consideration anyways. Id like to put more thought into the next women im with (provided things dont work out) because i dont plan on wasting time on multiple relationships that dont seem to go anywhere or fall apart over easy fixes. Experiencing being a father has changed me so much in so many ways and id hope one day i can give my son the example of a healthy relationship that every young man needs to wittness for the importance of his own future.

  7. 217
    Tired

    The first hurdle for a single man or woman is simple. Am I physically attractive? Am I pretty? Am I a good looking guy? If not, why? Are you over-weight? Do you keep your clothes updated? Do you shave daily and keep yourself groomed? How about your smile? Been to the dentist lately? It may seem shallow and superficial but I think that’s the way it is.

    It seems that we have to overcome this instant gratification, want-it-now attitude. It’s the sign of the times but at 55, healthy, good weight (my doctor is happy), prosperous, available, having a personality, I don’t consider myself unattractive nor do I think women find me that way. But I’m not hot looking and probably remind women in my age group of their ex-husbands. For me I’m the “yeah, he’s got a lot going for him but. . . . meh”. And at age 55, I don’t have the advantage of a network where friends and family can introduce me to women. I suspect others have the same challenges.

    There are men out my age there who do get it. They get that women have been burdened by full time work and then another full time job after work doing the best they can to look after their families (children and parents). But Ladies, you have to give us average looking men who don’t have silver tongues a chance and accept we are not perfect nor are we or ever will be that fictional character or celebrity.

    Ladies, you also have to understand, at least in my age bracket, that men have primarily been the ones to make the first move and that has conditioned us to be vulnerable to further rejection assuming we don’t have egos made of steel. Many of us have experienced a lot of rejection so if you don’t give us a sign such as a smile, some sense of “hey, I’m interested” signal, a lot of us won’t be aware. You might have to hit us over the head.

    Yes, we available men have to do our part and send signals, do a little flirting, meet you half-way, and be generally considerate of your needs.

    Many of us are tired of paying for the sins of our fathers and brothers.

  8. 218
    Ray

    I am a 52 year old woman.  Divorced at 33 from a man who didn’t put in what I put in.  Later widowed to a man 14 years older who had an undiagnosed heart defect.  I work around all men, and my parents, and nearly all of my aunts, uncles, nieces nephews, cousins are married to their first spouse. One thing I have observed… the best men marry similar aged women at a relatively young age, and stay married.

    Finding myself unattached at 42, and generally sympathetic to men’s issues and concerns due to working closely with them… I say this…. you can’t really blame single men for chasing younger women who makes things easy for them. Just like you can’t blame them for taking more money for jobs compared to their female coworkers. This is the culture they are raised with.  Women are not important and only exist to serve them.  Their moms were obliged to, because they had no choice.

    So, ladies, don’t be angry with them. Most are only responding like to the messages our culture have fed them.  There is no need to be angry, but you also don’t need to accept it.

    I have not had any problems finding similar aged men to want a relationship with me when I want one.  I never criticize. I only state my expectations in a way that is respectful, and I get to know them well before having sex.  I give them plenty of room to hang themselves, aka the benefit of the doubt, in most things. Maybe my time around men has taught me how some seek to avoid the truth, and those men politely get shown the door.

    My personal motto, is if I decide I would rather scrape paint than spend time with that man, or I don’t trust him for any reason, it’s time for him to go.

    …and it is still generally true that the best men are married and not divorced. They love their wives, and are trustworthy. If you are a woman and single past 40, and don’t want to date older men, then don’t. I won’t.  Don’t take it personally if those guys want younger women.  See them as the sad, hurting people who want a second chance that they blew with their loving wives… sad and a bit pathetic for believing that another person can make up for their wasted life.

    Don’t be the person they objectify… don’t let them use your youth or what remains of it.  Be happy that your life is yours to live and take strength from your sisters (and the good men who love their wives) of all ages…. and know this… if you can’t have it all, the least you can do is make sure some man isn’t having it all at your expense.

    Give 100%, see how they respond, then kick them to the curb if they don’t reciprocate or are ungrateful. No excuses.

    1. 218.1
      Neel

      Thats a very accurate reply Ray, although some of them might feel lonely at an older age.

    2. 218.2
      Chris St Pierre

      “Don’t take it personally if those guys want younger women.”

      Thank you Ray.  We appreciate your admission that it is our life, our choice.

      “See them as the sad, hurting people who want a second chance that they blew with their loving wives… ”

      Wow!  Why would you presume to know anything about anyone’s prior relationships – male or female –  and why they dissolved?

      You, who is so fair-minded and gives the “benefit of the doubt, in most things”.

      Far from giving men the benefit of the doubt, your statements are judgmental without knowledge, and you have labeled any man who is divorced and dating a younger woman to be, “sad, hurting”, and “pathetic”, and someone who “blew it with their loving wives”.

      You might just allow for the possibility that far from being “sad, hurting”, and “pathetic”, many of these men are having the time of their lives, and quite happy that they “blew it with their loving wives”.

       

  9. 219
    Neel

    Interesting article, I have a better understanding about the dating world. To summarize my findings, good men get screwed up when they marry someone when they are really young thinking that it will be a death do us part situation. But unfortunately if it doesn’t work out, their world is shattered when his spouse realizes she could do better and she does not have to keep up with any bullshit. Being raised by a working mother I support feminism, that said coming back from a failed marriage is not really easy for a lot of guys, personally I value the institution of marriage and the responsibility that it demands. I have been dating for only a couple of years but so far what I have learnt is a lot of women want toys and since a lot of them are independent they don’t need a man as pussycat dolls put it. I completely support that, its a free world but don’t expect a man to a complete partner if you are not willing to celebrate his success and share his failure. If you want to be your boss, listen and answer to no one; go ahead, but don’t expect a stable man to stand there and watch you do as you wish. Don’t expect a sacrifice if you are not willing to make one. Marriage laws are a bit biased towards women and I know why they are framed in such manner, without a prenup a man is as good as homeless if it doesn’t work out. The answer to the question also mention how we think we are all saints in out own mind.

    Note:

    For the people who want a successful long term relationship, look in to how the matching compatibility part works in an arranged marriage, the search will be hard and for the older ladies and single mothers out there you might have a hard time. Good guys will try to go long lengths to save their marriages before calling quits, so no they will not be easy to come by and winning a hurt persons trust is hardest. Agreed you will have a lot of fuckboys for company but real men, in the middle ages. A lot them have started giving up the idea of LTR and marriage. Again, its a free country. Freedom comes at a price, the question is how far are you willing to go?

    1. 219.1
      CJ

      I’ve never met a female from an arranged marriage who was ‘happy’ – resigned yes, happy no.  How is a man with a good job homeless if the marriage ends.  He is walking away with a steady income.  She is walking away with dependants and NO income, usually, and with many years out of the job market, very little prospects.  While he spent all his time building his career and earning potential and she did everything else. That is my experience. My ex walked out into a luxury apartment with a six figure salary, while I was in a falling down ramshackle house, a student (he waited until I quit my job to go back to school which we had discussed at LENGTH and I would never have done that if he hadn’t agreed to it), with 3 school age children to support.  I’ve never met a woman who divorced lightly.  Most women I know (myself included) fought tirelessly to keep their family together until the bitter end.  They don’t just up and leave because they think they can do better. Most women I know would have dearly loved the happy ending, the ma and pa home where all the kids and grandkids come back for christmas.  This view that women don’t take marriage as seriously as men is extremely flawed and entirely incorrect. Womens lives are just as shattered by divorce as men. This is not a damn competition.  Everybody loses in divorce.

      I will never put myself in the position of being vulnerable like that again.  The minute I went back to school my ex ramped up his disrespect to me as he thought he had ‘trapped’ me and therefore I had to put up with any crap he dished out.  He didn’t quite figure that I don’t mind being poor but I sure as heck mind being abused.

      Trapping women in marriages with no income is not the way to preserve marriages. Certainly, not happy marriages.  Yes, we want freedom – just like you have and what is wrong with that?  If you can only be secure when you are with a woman who is insecure and needs you or is forced to marry you by here parent because she has no other value than as someones wife, that is sad – what kind of man in this day and age, would even want that? I am willing to stay single forever to preserve my freedom – that is how far I am willing to go.

      1. 219.1.1
        AllHeart81

        CJ – thought your comments here were beautiful and I couldn’t agree more. In so many of these conversations, women are painted with this broad brush that they happily divorced their husbands and ran off with no human qualities to their name.

        I too am willing to stay single instead if men don’t want to be with me for who I am, not for who they want me to be. I played that game too long in my 20s, twisting myself up into knots and making myself sick to live up to a fantasy that denied my own needs in favor of pleasing the men I was in relationships with. If I’m single for the rest of my life, I’m single. That doesn’t mean I don’t deeply value what a man brings to my life. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship just to be loved but because I want to love and give and support him. It just means I can’t twist myself anymore playing out  man’s fantasy of who he wishes I was while being unable to accept who I really am.

        1. ScottH

          Allheart81- there are as many situations as there are people.  I know men who’ve fought to keep their marriages together.  There are people of both genders who leave marriages because they think they can do better.  People of both genders leave marriages “because they married the wrong person.”  On and on and on….  It is not a gender thing.  It is a person thing.  Women get screwed in divorce and so do men but most importantly, the kids get screwed the worst.  Cowards give up.  Cowards refuse to do the work when things get tough.

        2. AllHeart81

          I completely agree with everything you said Scott. But if you’ve been around the internet any time at all, there are so many men that specifically act like their ex-wives are evil banshees that have risen up from the bottom of some dark and murky swamp to wreck havoc on their lives, with no heart of her own. I think that’s the point CJ was making. Not that some men don’t fight for their marriages too. CJ talking about her experiences doesn’t suggest anything about men’s experiences either. Sometimes I feel we are all talking at each other because we all want to be heard but rarely do we listen to each other.

      2. 219.1.2
        ScottH

        “Most women I know (myself included) fought tirelessly to keep their family together until the bitter end.  They don’t just up and leave because they think they can do better.”

        My ex fought tirelessly to get divorced.  And she did up and leave because she thought she could do better (her boss).  He ended up dumping her and now she’s in a bad spot.

        “This view that women don’t take marriage as seriously as men is extremely flawed and entirely incorrect.”

        Not true in my case.

        1. AllHeart81

          Your situation doesn’t disprove the point she is making.

           

    2. 219.2
      AllHeart81

      I don’t think older men have an easier time dating. I think that was a fantasy often projected but the reality of what older men are also dealing with in dating, is no less difficult. Although I do think single fathers have an easier time of it than single mothers. Unfortunately, I think women are more open to taking on someone else’s children then some men are. Which is a shame for those men who limit their own capacity for love.

      I am confused by your last comment about freedom coming at a price and asking how far you will go. Are women suppose to give up their autonomy to go back to the ‘good ole’ days’ when men still wanted to get married? I have heard other men talk about how men are not as interested in LTR or marriage. Almost like fear morgering women into wanting them to feel bad for having autonomy. Am I miss reading you here though?

       

  10. 220
    Vanessa

    You missed the big point which is that Joan has young children. That is a deal killer for so many men. They either are paying child support and have at best a complicated relationship with their ex-wife or just want someone whose kids they won’t have to raise as well. Not that they were that good at raising their own or they likely would not have bailed when their children were at their most vulnerable.

    In my many years of dating, marriage, dating and finally realizing that raising healthy, secure children with an absentee father is a full time job, I’ve learned that women rarely leave good men. I can attest to the fact that most of the men who are out there and divorced that I have met have issues that will surface fairly quickly.  So yes there are plenty of good men out there but they are married to other women or other men. And if you are into taking away someone else’s husband then that’s your option. Personally I don’t have the energy to destroy someone else’s family after bearing the pain of the end of my own.

    But there is poetic justice. Those 50 something men who want younger women are at some point going to have to have more kids or find another younger woman and go through the same thing all over again. And don’t get me started on men who see women as arm candy, not people.

    Somewhere out there is hopefully a nice guy who will want you for you. Finding him on an online dating service, Tinder or one of the hookup sites is unusual but people do and they live happily ever after or whatever version of that is real. Personally my youngest child is off to college soon and I am trying to care more about finding someone because when I am with couples who have been together for decades and found a way to make it work I am inspired. And spending the rest of my life alone is not a fantasy come true.

    I have a 26 year-old niece who has a three year-old boy and finding someone who will accept her life as it is has been really hard for her. He matters more. Most men cannot accept that they are not the center of the universe.

    Men aren’t the answer – find inside yourself who you are and what matters to you and who your best self is or can be. To quote Field of Dreams “If you build it he will come.” And even if he doesn’t you’ll be a much happier person on your own.

  11. 221
    Monica

    Im an older women in her 40s and I do prefer younger men the ones I’ve seen around my town and beyond my age look so old frumpy unkept and overweight. I do look like u am in my 30s and prefer to date guys in their 30s. No because of health issues long ago I no longer can even have hormonal issues as some men may suggest and I don’t require a lot of maintenance to keep my looks it’s in my genes. I take care of my self I don’t need a man to do that what I had wanted was a partner in crime. Now I have vowed abstinence and sweated off everything I fell for someone hard it took the life out of me cheers to all you still out there trying I’m done. I just wanted to let you men know out here don’t look all frumpy lol and don’t be so shallow and us older women are not hormonal as we at this age are more balance compared to the younger set and we know what we want in life and who we want and we know who we are. We just want to experience things with you!

  12. 222
    Bill

    Can’t help it women like guys that are somewhat settled down and out of that bad boy stage. I do enjoy spending time with some of the younger generation. I think they appreciate guys that can go with the flow. Enjoy some of the simple things in life. Being a good listener is easy for me. I enjoy being a sounding board for my partner. Sometimes women just need to be heard. Being playful comes easy for a more experienced and wiser guy also. It’s so much easier to be content and I have found women really appreciate that in a guy also.

  13. 223
    Jayne

    Certainly l wanted my ‘ex’ to change, he was a tradie that would come home covered in crap and sit straight on the couch, l never ‘nagged’ but tried to negotiate an alternative arrangement like coming home and jumping straight in the shower to no avail, he just didn’t get ‘the change’ that l wanted, which is often code for grow the F. up,. after 20 years l gave up… He always said to me ‘ tell me what you want me to do because l just don’t know’ l mean seriously l’m not your mother! and this was coming from a kind and loving man, as an earlier post stated, ‘it’s what he DIDN’T do’ .

  14. 224
    Daveh

    I would like be with a older woman because they can teach u an shape you into a better person they can help you get jobs and help you in life I don’t understand why don’t more guys try older women they are way more mature.

  15. 225
    BillyG

    I beg to differ, 50yo plus women with great profiles, qualities & looks, demand a age selection of +2 -10 years seeking men, so by numbers 50 plus average joe men needs to seek older women to have any chance.

  16. 226
    Mature Don Juan

    I am an early 50-something no-kids, never-married bachelor, and look even younger than the OP (I’m eligible to join AARP and when I go beardless, I get asked for my ID to buy beer).  I have a sister that has children.  A woman like the OP cannot give me children, so genetically speaking, I would have more genetic investment with my sister than with an infertile woman like her.

    OK, I could have sex with the OP, but still, it is in my genetic interest to pursue a younger, fertile woman – and as it turns out, evolution has made it such that us men are repelled by the idea of a woman with children not our own, and as well just non-young women in general.  I am an American, but as I am early-retired (easy to do when one only has to spend money on himself), I spend most of time abroad – like many of my countrymen, in places like Eastern Europe, Latin American, Southeast Asia, etc. – where young, childless women are abundant and woman like the OP are considered undatable, as it should be.

  17. 227
    Heidi

    Young women should beware of middle aged men spinning a web of lies to win them over.  They’re not all mature father figures.

  18. 228
    Scribe

    A single male friend of mine in his mid-fifties only seems to want to date women in their early to mid-forties. He summed it up this way. Women his own age “look older than I feel.” While that may come across as shallow, here is an emotional reality that I did not see mentioned elsewhere. Most healthy, middle-aged men FEEL a lot younger than they actually are. In fact, most are shocked when they see themselves in the mirror. Who the heck is that guy? they wonder. Perhaps many healthy middle-aged women feel the same way. That may explain why many financially independent, fit, and desirable middle-aged women prefer younger men.

  19. 229
    She52

    I think Marc Katz’ response was spot on. More than not, single women over 35 develop a sense of entitlement, judgement and expect the world be handed to them by a man (not any man, a man who fits their unrealistic expectations)  . I say this, as a 52 year old woman. I am long divorced. No kids. No relationship in 10 years. Admittedly men do stop looking at you past an age. For me it became obvious mid 40’s. If I am to be honest, I WAS at one time a great catch…but, I screwed up by dating men I knew were not marriage material or even good relationship material. Then I got old.

    The only men Ive encountered who are single, in the last few years, is Bob, a 60 year old, handsome, church going man. Sounds great, except, hes been married/divorced 3x. He will tell you on of his ex wives filed rape charges against him (he says while she was having an affair) and then his daughter (with the same wife) also accused him. He claims they both dropped the charges, and he has court documents stating that, but, he claims, it will never be off his record. Next, he lives with his 90 year old mother, because her house is paid for. She cooks, launders, and pays his car insurance. A married woman hes been hung on since HS, and he had affairs with during all his marriages (which I believe he said caused all his divorces) still buys him cell phones and pays his phone bill. I could go on about men I meet who, like Bob, have similar lives that eliminate them as relationship material. I would say older men who have their act together and find themselves single will have the full spectrum of single women young thru old to choose from. I have my own emotional baggage now, well, because I spent my life dating lots of men and making the same poor choices and causing damage to my mental and spiritual health. I now suffer chronic illness (severe disabling migraines, arthritis) as well as anxiety/traumatic related disorders that pose their own challenges for me and for anyone who dates me. What I look for in a man now? Is he honest with himself about himself? Bob has no idea why he is alone. LOL.

  20. 230
    She52

    One other thing I hear from every 35+ single “I look 5 or 10 year younger” My response to you is “Chances are you dont”

    Further and more damaging, making forthright statements about looking younger than you are….shows you are preoccupied with your age, yet, feel your match should not be.

  21. 231
    Chris St Pierre

    “Every time I hear a woman saying that she ‘intimidates’ men, this is what comes to mind.”  Dead on.  Absolutely.  Women who think of themselves as “intimidating” to men are usually simply unpleasant to be around and they will have not time for you because they are out there proving to the world – and themselves – how great they are.  If they were men, we wouldn’t want to hang around them either.

    1. 231.1
      AllHeart81

      I find this to be a very combative perspective. Maybe it’s not that they are “unpleasant” to be around, they just may not know how to attract that intial interest because she may not have great communication skills or know how to be open.

      Men and women are not judged by the same standards. Strong men are usually given compliments for their strong, independent demeanors. Women are usually criticized. Which is why male leaders are given props and female leaders are usualling called the “b-word”.

      1. 231.1.1
        Chris St Pierre

        I don’t agree that a woman is labeled by men as a bitch simply because she is a strong leader.  Reference: Indra Nooyi, head of Pepsico; Pat Woertz, head of Archer Daniels Midland ; Madeleine Albright; Oprah; Angela Merkel; Queen Elizabeth; Margaret Thatcher.  I don’t think I have ever heard these female leaders referred to by a male as a bitch.  I think most men respect these women as strong leaders and formidable opponents.  You have to have other negative qualities present to end up with that label as a common occurrence.  Just as bullying, derisive, Machiavellian male leaders end up being referred to as an a-hole – and rightly so – and not looked as positively for their strength.  But, what we’re talking about here are intimate relationships.  What person, male or female, wants an “intimidating” person as a partner?  I certainly don’t, and I bet this is true of most men.

  22. 232
    Gary

    I’m a 65 year old man and have been looking for a similar age female partner.  But after 2 years, I have decided to give up and will begin a new quest to find a younger non mentally damaged women.

    Ironically on web dating services, I was contacted 9 out of 10 times by women from 30 to 45 that want a relationship with an older stable man.  However, I wanted a same age partner, I did spend some email time trying to learn why they wanted a relationship with an older man, most comments related to instability of their same age available men, they wanted to focus on relationship building with older me and had written of their same age men as viable partners.

    The consistent problem I have run into is that my same age women have forgotten how to be a life partner to a man and act like competitors or want to dominate the relationship.   Further I am not interested in shoveling your horse stables or clearing the yard every day from your 6 at 90 pound dogs leaving 2 dozen at 2 pound piles all over the place per day.  I’m looking for a relationship with a women and not interested in funding or being stuck with a massive collection of animals.

    Sorry same age ladies, but that’s not what an older guy wants >> we want a companion and partner to do things together and not dealing with your inability to focus on a new relationship while you are still stuck in your past.  I’ve been OK with some level of overweight for the women as long as they were willing to eat and exercise and burn it off.  But to date, I have not found one single same age over weight female that had any desire to implement a healthy life style.  And stop drinking the wine, all it does is add up to 20 pounds a year of excess sugar to your diet that converts to fat, when you don’t exercise to burn it off.

    And most ironic of all, is that many of the same age women, after a month of discussion with me, have stated that I should look for younger women that have a more flexible attitude towards men.

    Note that my only Must requirement was to work with me on healthy food choices (organic, non GMO, plenty of minerals, vitamins, etc), and to go walk 4 to 5 times a week.  Everything else wold be done to help each other as required.  I would ask them what they see themselves doing in the next year.  This resulted in “I don’t know, I have not given it any thought”.  Well, why are you even bothering to be on a dating site if you don’t have any future goals.  Why waste your time and the time of the men looking for a female partner if you have no idea what you want with a new relationship.

    Bottom line for me is the same age women (60 to 70) seem to be stuck in their prior lives and do not seem to have the ability to walk away from past life / relationships and start over.  I’m OK with you having kids, but I’m not interested in your children’s problems.   My children are all in their 30’s and working.  They call me once in a while and don’t waste my time, and are off my payroll.  I’m not interested in your 25+ year olds that want to live at home, do nothing, play video games, spend all day glued to their smart phones, and waste our time.  Kick them out, get over it.

    Somewhat interesting is that the 30 to 45 year old women that I have emailed with point out that their same age men appear to have the same problems I’m experiencing with older women.  I think this is why the younger women are looking for the older men.   Somewhat of an interesting social conundrum.

    30 to 45 year old women cannot find 30 to 45 year old men and looking for older stable men.  An persistent comment from the younger women was that they wanted a man that would treat them as good as their father treated their mother, and they can’t find that with same age men.

    older men have difficulty finding same age women and give up and start looking for  younger women that want older men.

    When I would meet women in stores / events and talk with them.  I would ask if they have older women friends or family members that might be interesting in dating / creating a new relationship.  What I would often hear from these younger women, is ‘I am single, I can’t find a same age man, I am OK with dating a older man, and I not happy that I am putting on weight and want to learn how to be on a healthy living diet / live to achieve proper body weight “.  Sadly, I did not pursue them, but will do so in the future.

     

  23. 233
    Susan Young

    I hear a lot of anger from some of those that have posted. Bob says that no man wants to be romantic with a woman that is fat. Does he think a woman finds a man with a huge stomach romantic? What it comes down to is one needs to find a partner that is similar:  background, weight, finances, age, values etc. Because that person will be able to relate to you and understand your imperfections therefore be empathetic and compassionate. Bob obviously isn’t compassionate. Woman and men are not over weight just because they let themselves go. Some people are stuck on medicines that increase weight for example.

    I think that people place far too much importance on high income and big houses they don’t need. Working for the big bucks just causes a more stressful life and less time with family. Also they place too much emphasis on their partner having a perfect body etc. When you really have chemistry with someone; not just looking for a trophy partner, they are beautiful inside and out. I am personally looking for a man that is similar in age, is stable financially (not loaded), has chemistry, is warm, friendly, affectionate and wants to nurture a relationship. Just an average guy that will value me as much as I value him.

    It is very important to understand what is important to your mate and remember to do it. Otherwise it is all about you and that is what you will end up with in the end- just you.

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