Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Loriann

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.

It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”

They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”

No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.

It’s called Match.com, it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.

…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.

You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Christie Hartman

    There a couple of things one can do to meet people, particularly if over 40. 1) Get out of your routine. Eat out, grab coffee, and hang out at different places each week. Go to any party you're invited to, join clubs with people who do what you like to do, volunteer, get involved socially. 2) Online date, as Evan said. As a dating coach, I know that people resist it because they're scared to try something so unfamiliar to them. But it's like anything else – there's a way to do it successfully, and it's a great way to meet people you wouldn't normally meet.
     

    1. 1.1
      Tina

      I have spent the last 11 years living in a big city and doing all of the things you suggest. I believe firmly in getting out of my comfort zone and in a sense, I am comfortable making myself uncomfortable. None of that has worked. Most of my interests are those that should be male dominated. (I like to build and remodel. I like baseball, I like kayaking, skiing, hiking, etc) All I have found is that I meet other women like myself who can’t meet anyone. And now that I’ve hit 40, online dating elicits contact from men who are 10+ years my senior (at best) because men my age are typically only interested in women 10 years younger than them. Or, if they are my age, they’re divorced with kids and so disillusioned by relationships that they don’t want either marriage or kids ever again. The parties I get invited to now are toddler birthday parties. My single friends don’t even have other single friends. While I think in theory that your advice is good, I have found that in practice, it is not me, it genuinely is them.

      1. 1.1.1
        Tara

        Tina, this has been my experience as well. I studied every site on how to create a profile that does not attract the creeps, how to be positive, and how to date successfully. Yet most of the men, even on paid sites, turned out to be completely disordered and hiding behind technologically to establish the initial connection in order to get their latest victims hooked. And yes they are mostly disillusioned and covertly bitter. My last date continually lied about wanting a relationship and being single when in reality, he was actually living with someone! So I will continue to try and meet people, both women friends and men in real life, but online dating is definitely not the cure-all as can be seen through a Google search for “why online dating doesn’t work”. Here’s to a rich, full life for both of us in whatever form that takes, whether with a partner or not. ♥

      2. 1.1.2
        Nat

        Same experience…!!

      3. 1.1.3
        bobloblaw

        LOL

      4. 1.1.4
        Dora

        Oh, wow, that’s EXACTLY my experience! I guess I’m not alone…

      5. 1.1.5
        Sahara

        You are spot on, Tina.  And you get a lot of guys who are on the rebound on dating sites, too.

      6. 1.1.6
        Christine

        I understand these frustrations.  I’m younger (36 now) but went through a lot of the same thing when I dated online (getting contacted by much older people I had zero interest in, seeing the men I did want chasing younger women, etc.)  But I also met my boyfriend on there, and he was more than worth the wait.  The quality prospects might not be as plentiful as you’d like, but they are out there.  I also know 40-something women who find boyfriends and even husbands online, so I know it must be possible.

        As for divorced people, I wouldn’t necessarily assume they’re disillusioned just from being divorced.  Another former colleague of mine got divorced not just once, but twice (and they sound like ugly divorces, not even amicable ones).  She still managed to find true love with her third husband now.

        And this third one had two divorces under his belt too.  The second one was like something out of a TV movie of the week.  One day he came home and the closets were just cleaned out, with no trace of her.  The only contact she made with him afterwards was to serve the divorce papers.  They both had more than enough reason to have gotten disillusioned and given up on love, with four nasty divorces between them!  However, now they’re happy as can be with each other.  If they could get past their bad experiences to find love, anyone could.  Don’t give up yet!

      7. 1.1.7
        Angela

        Wow! I could not have said that better. I have had the exact same experience.  I believe it is them also.  I am in awe with the victim mentality and the hostility towards woman.  I also like outdoor activities and  I’m in great shape and I have went out of my comfort zone.  The dating sites are horrible.   I get the exact same thing, men way too old or men only looking for sex.  I have gotten plenty of dates but I end up stuck foo an hour listening to them bash their “Crazy” exes.  I am unwilling to go on a second date. There just has to be a better way to meet a half way decent man then the dating sites.

         

         

        1. Sandy

          I’ve had exactly the same e xperience – met many guys, went on many dates. Twice I thought ok I’d found someone. The first was divorced and disillusioned …..didn’t want a serious relationship even though he claimed to at the beginning. The second was the worst – he was almost perfect then one day said …. “I can’t be in a relationship, I’m afraid of losing my freedom, maybe I’m single inside ….”

          I’m still meeting guys mainly from online sites but I’m losing my optimism ….

      8. 1.1.8
        John

        Same experience here. Except I’m  a 45 yr old man possibly looking to date. I’m having the same trouble. It’s like…where is everyone? It can’t be just me.

        1. karl harrison

          i am male 44 and been single for 10 yrs i tried dating sites and couldnt get a date lol

        2. Chris ann

          huh..

        3. sima

          Hope you’ll find someone soon 🙂

      9. 1.1.9
        franks

        lonliness kills the body and heart

      10. 1.1.10
        Tonya

        Yes! Same experience for me as well! I tried writing different profiles an it’s been 6yrs now. I get men that are older than me. I try to politely declined saying I have a young father and it’s just weird to me.  Well it doesn’t go over to well.  I look young for my age, an that doesn’t even help. The best part of all was when I got a stalker! I had to go to court an everything!    I’m glad I’m not alone. It helps to see that theirs not something wrong with me.  My friends give advice saying your not putting yourself out their…ha really! Speaking from a person that got the only available bachelor in church.  Good luck to all of you. Were not alone.

    2. 1.2
      Jason

      Online is a waste of time, and Match.com makes you pay to send or read your messages.  I could be sending heartfelt, long and meaningful messages to someone who can’t even read them.  Online is also full of people who are narcissistic, who want to put in their preferences, (i.e someone in ___ age range, with ____ hair color, _____ eye color, taller than x’ x”,  who earns at least $—–. ) I am sorry that I fell half inch short or three thousand dollars too poor for you.  Of course, since you’re online you must be rather desperate yourself, maybe time to change your expectation.  People online never want to meet in person, they mainly want to email, look at photos and fantasize.

  2. 2
    Honey

    You don't have to pay to date, either – I've never used them but Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid are both free, I think.  So is Meetup, and that might be a better way to just get involved with activities that you enjoy without it creating the kind of pressure/fear that the LW is experiencing currently.  Even joining some mixed-gender groups revolving around an activity will increase her social base, and they may be able to set her up with "pre-screened" folks.

    1. 2.1
      Ali

      +Honey

      Uh….what is an LW?

       

      1. 2.1.1
        Russell

        LW = Lone Wolf  … Normally

         

        Here she may mean Lone Woman.

        1. catherine

          LW= letter writer

  3. 3
    david

    I would be curious to know why she finds online dating "scary" — that's a very specific word — is she afraid that someone will stalk and harm her? Or is it she's more "embarrassed" to have a picture/profile up / that people she knows might see her online….

    1. 3.1
      Gwynn

      Online dating is scary especially if you are H female.  My online dating experiences have given me a bunch of messages from men that I would never give a second glance at.  One of them I recognized from him being arraigned for family violence.  (I am an attorney.)  I recognized him by his lovely neck tattoo.  I also received plenty of cheesy pick up lines and I love how all of the old men find me appealing.  I am not looking for an old man or a sugar daddy.  My first date was lovely.  My date was offended and elected to attempt to insult me when I didn’t want to sleep with him.  He changed when I actually met him.  I did google and research him.  I don’t wish my experiences on anyone else but I regret paying for this experience.  I also have to add that I already knew most of the decent guys that were online. 
       

      1. 3.1.1
        Collette

        Gywnn, I hate to be that pessimistic female, but I am.  I endured your exact experiences 8 years ago, when I gave up.  I got lots of interest from older men.  After dating 6 or 7 different guys for very brief periods of time, I gave up when the last one got angry with him for not sleeping with him after 2 weeks. 

      2. 3.1.2
        Q.Hatshepsut

        My experiences were very similar.  I tried all the major online dating sites for years.  I’ve had a few not ver long term relationships come out of them, and all of them I realized, sooner or later, were not for me.  I tried to keep an open mind and I wrote positive profiles, but I finally decided that the vast majority of men my age who were doing online dating, were either uninterested in or unready for a serious relationship.  I have yet to meet that guy.  I gave up on online dating because there are way too many playboys and wounded animals to try to weed out.  I’d rather meet men in a no-expectations setting and get to know them first, while doing things I enjoy, than spending that time making just dating a major hobby.

        1. Smita

          My sentiments, exactly.

        2. Tigris

          I whole heartedly agree with your statement Q. Hatsheput!   I can’t stand how well meaning therapists and friends insist that the best way to meet guys is online.  No I do not agree with that sentiment I would rather live my life and have love find me organically.  I have tried it in the past and realized it wasn’t for me. 

      3. 3.1.3
        Kay

        I also am against on line sites as a way to meet people.  I have attempted them all and ALL of the connections I had with men went consistently like this: Text and talk for about 2-4wks, set up an agreed day/time/place to meet and either they stood me up or assumed we were meeting for a ‘date’ to decide whose home we would be having sex at.  Christian Mingle and POF by far were the worst! Be afraid, very afraid!

        1. Emma

          I have met the most unChristian men on ChristianMingle!!  Don’t get me started!

    2. 3.2
      Emma

      Well, David I can’t speak for anyone specific but I think I can generally speaking it’s scary for women to draw men in we don’t know. Men are stronger physically and that thought of physical overpowering is something we subconsciously consider. We want men that are going to use their strength to protect, not over power us. If we get the wrong emotional connection and can’t get rid of him in a healthy way we have to deal with stalking or scared he might try something. I need to sleep at night and if I’m putting my pic and profile up I want to feel safe.some men say strange things online later as you go along  and there are moments when you regret or wonder if you gave him too much info.  We need to protect ourselves and that instinct is always in us. That’s why men have to prove so much to us. We need to feel like you are normal! Everyone is strange until proven normal really.  Anyone can be online. So bear with us and understand we need to be cautious. Your job is to be patient with gaining our trust, don’t take it personal because we hear the same things over and over, and don’t push us. Make us feel safe and honor when we are or aren’t ready for phone or meeting.  It’s not personal, a girl just wants to keep her privacy until she feels safe.

    3. 3.3
      sharon clarke

      Its easy access , for already attatched people , some are always looking for extra , i suppose already attatched are never happy , or they would not be on there. Do not see the point being somewhere where you need to look elsewhere as well. How about accepting the norm instead of looking for what becomes the norm anyway. Ooh thats scary.

       

       

    4. 3.4
      Jen

      Scary, as in murder and physically hurting me.  In today’s world how can you know someone can be trusted?

  4. 4
    Victoria

    David – I can't speak for LoriAnn, but as for myself (55, widowed), the scary  of online dating for me is about personal safety. I couldn't care less if someone I knew saw my profile. (I guess that's one of the advantages of self confidence that comes with age – no fear of making a fool of yourself!)

  5. 5
    cindym7878

    I agree with Evan that you need to get over your fear of online dating!  I was divorced after being married for 22yrs and online dating helped me ease back in to dating.  I got to know a lot of different men and it was fun emailing and chatting.  I think in any type of situation you have to be careful because you can meet someone who will be deceptive in some way.  I find online dating to be safe because you can ask those uncomfortable questions about who a person is, in the safety of your own space.  I won't meet any man who won't give me his last name and where he works, phone number, etc.  I then google them just to see if something pops up.  Most good men understand a single woman has to be extra careful.  Those that don't, they don't get a date with me!  Always meet in a public place a few times before you feel comfortable.  If you still don't want to take the plunge, pick up some classes with a hobby you have wanted to get into.  Be open and carry yourself in a way that makes you approachable.  But really think more about getting Evan's help.  He has truly helped me in many ways, to understanding relationships.  Good luck!

    1. 5.1
      Garret

      No offense Cindy, but reading your post reminded me of some women I dated, and they were absolutely horrible relationships.

      Also, your little detective work would screw you out of some great guys if you are too harsh. I can totally understand if the guy pops up with a history of violence or drug arrests, but my friend is a member of a not so exclusive club. See, many men here in Florida get a restraining order put on them. It pretty much goes like this…women here often use them as power plays. Men with no history of violence end up with them. Biggest reason is that they don’t think they need to get a lawyer. Without a lawyer, a judge will almost always grant it.

      Here’s the worst part. For a long time, the state used to hold both parties accountable to the order. Not anymore. The lawyers got the State’s Attorney’s office to stop prosecuting the women when the order was violated. Why? Because when they know they won’t get prosecuted, they turn the guy in. What happens a lot is the woman asks for a restraining order. A woman who issues them said it is the most abused section of the law. So she asks for it, and the guy either doesn’t fight it, or doesn’t get a lawyer. Most guys don’t realize how serious hey are.

      OK, so a six month, or 1 year order may be in place. But after a couple of months, the woman makes contact, if it takes that long. The couple then start meeting on the sly. Dumb move for the guy, but many do it, trying to patch up a marriage or relationship. Anyway, at some point, the woman gets mad again, and when she does, she calls the cops on him. Guys have been arrested with the woman in his car. Doesn’t that sound dumb? Why arrest the guy when she got into his car? Or his apartment? Yet it happens.

      But by all means do the check.

      One of the women I had a short relationship with was like that. She was always checking up on me. And the thing is, if she had any kind of suspicion, she would never just come out and ask. She would try to beat around the bush. Why? Because she didn’t believe a guy would just be honest with her. For instance, one of her friends claimed that I hit on her. The truth? I did not. This other girl is a known trouble maker. She likes drama. Needs drama. She probably knew how my girlfriend was so suspicious and thus wanted to throw her in a tizzy. Well instead of just coming to me and asking me, she asked all of these weird questions trying to trip me up. It took weeks before I found out what she was up to. The thing is, I had verifiable proof as to where I was when I was supposedly hitting on her friend. But this was a pattern with her. And the worst part was, the only thing she would ever really believe was a negative finding. In other words, I am sure she always wondered if I really had hit on her friend. Had I told her I had, she owuld have believed that, even with the evidence that I could not have. So she was always digging, always playing detective. Good lord was it ever a nightmare.

      1. 5.1.1
        Carol

        I was laughing while reading this plea for all the innocent men that wind up with restraining orders through absolutely no fault of their own.

        Sad that you think women are so gullible. You sound exactly like the type of person that should be avoided completely. Your extensive knowledge of the process leads me to believe you’ve been there, done that.

        1. JennLee

          The process is not the same in every state, and there is a lot of proof to what he said. It is true that both parties are not held to the order, which is crazy. Have you never known people that went through this? I have seen that where women I know have taken out restraining orders and then later, start contacting him, and go to meet with him. In fact, more often than not, the guy will insist that if she wants to meet, it has to be at his place, or his car, because he is under the false assumption that this gives him standing if they are caught together, or if she tries to get him arrested for violating the order.

          Yes there are cases where both men and women legitimately need protective orders against the other person, but there are many who do it as a way to gain the upper hand in a divorce, or some other situation.

          I do have a friend who works in this system, where the order is applied for, and she said it is ridiculous how often this is abused. But, she said the reason it happens is because too many people take it lightly. Big deal, a restraining order. Their attitude is that they don’t want to spend a bunch of money on a lawyer for something so trivial, but it’s not trivial. It is far more than just an official order telling you to stay away from somebody you may want to stay away from anyway. And in this information age, it is only going to get worse.

          If you think I am lying, go sit in a court where they award these restraining orders. You may have 100 to 200 people there, responding to an summons, but it is a good day if even a half dozen have a lawyer. And my friend told me that with a lawyer, most of the orders would not be granted. A lawyer knows what to ask, to prove that it is BS, and a lawyer knows the law, and what is and is not allowed. Not to mention that it is somewhat of a country club deal. The DO want it to be worth it to hire the lawyer. You aren’t going to get justice on the cheap.

        2. Victim of DV

          I totally agree with that sounding like he has fist hand knowledge of restraining orders..He sounds like the stalker I had.. well I mean that’s exactly what he would say. 6% of the population has individuals with sociopathic tendencies. My advice, date wisely, listen to your inner spirit and red flags-

           

          Best of luck.

      2. 5.1.2
        Victim of DV

        I understand there’s a certain amount of men who become victims, out of ignorance they get in trouble and don’t fight it, but reading what you said is exactly what the guy who went to prison for many years on do.esti violence. An order is an order, no matter how much you claim he was manipulated. One arrest may be excused but don’t let this example fog true issues and red flags. Stalkingredients and violation of restraining orders, in my opinion are nothing to ignore…it raises questions and people (*any gender) can and will minimize it. You will want to know if they take responsibility or continental to “minimize” or blame it on the other.

      3. 5.1.3
        Angela

        I agree with Carol.  You sound like the Puppet Master of Drama.  You seek out unstable woman.  The whole story boils down to she didn’t trust you and the relationship should have ended there.  You take no responsibility.   The attorney is not talking about drama in an established relationship that you chose to continue.  She is talking about single woman making smart safe choices.  Men do not get date rapped, stalked, or murdered.   You do not fear that.  Woman fear that.You have no clue speaking out about something you know nothing about.  if someone put a false restaining order out on me, they would never see or hear from me again…..period.  if you even had a clue about abused woman than you might underdtand why one would get a restraining order against an animal and then choose to stupidly go back.  They go back because they have no where else to go and abuse is all they know.  It doesnt mean it didn’t happen.

  6. 6
    Mara

    I think looking for ways to expand your social circle is just as practical, if not more productive than online dating. Take classes, join fitness groups, find the community social events, get involved in a fundraiser, crash AA meetings (KIDDING), learn to golf, join a country club, if you have a dog, make friends at the dog park.  DOn't just focus on meeting men, or even friends, just try to make more social acquiantances and expand your social world.  And if your kids find anyone cool to try to make a match with, give it a shot – they will screen out the weirdos!

  7. 7
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Victoria – Hey, have you ever heard about the serial killer who preys on 55-year-old women that he met on Match.com?

    Me neither.

    Enjoy online dating. 🙂

    1. 7.1
      marlo

      Serial killer, no – but certainly plenty of abusive, sexually driven or just plain creepy men!  While I would not advocate living by fear, and common sense will help to screen potential dates, to make a comment like Evan – that implies that there is no rational basis for fearing online dating – is both judgmental and wrong.

      1. 7.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        One is more likely to die in a car accident than from an aviation accident. Should one then sell one’s car and only find jobs within walking distance or instead fly to work every day?
         
        By your reckoning, we should cater to people suffering from agoraphobia?
         
        There’s a thing called common sense and self-awareness, and being aware of our surroundings. There’s danger in almost everything we everyday. But those “possible” dangers shouldn’t stop us from doing something if that danger is neither imminent nor pervasive.

        1. Susan

          I dont find it scary in a safety sense. You have to be smart, meet at a coffee shop, make sure your car is right in front, etc. It’s doubtful the guy is there to  follow you home and murder you. Lol. Really doubtful. There is a difficult part though, in that, if you don’t have great looks, or willing to go out with men a lot older than you, it’s going to be rough. No matter how great your profile is, its initially about the photo. So, if you’re average, like me, you’re in a pool of thousands of average women, and yes, average men too, but they are generally looking for younger women. The odds are not great. There is also the fade-off that I experience 10 times out of 10. Well actually I havent had 10 connections to speak of but..The interest, then not interested. I keep my profile up, but I dont expect much!

    2. 7.2
      Angela

      Actually, there is a true story on Investigation Discovery about a woman in her 50’s that met a man on Match.com. Yes, Match.com and they use it right in the reenactment.   She didn’t like him, didnt want to go on a second date so he stalked her and beat her to death.  She lived for a few hours before she died alone in her own garage. Woman need to be safe and make smart choices.  That doesn’t mean not dating or putting yourself out there to meet new people.  It just means smart, safe choices.   If someone gives you bad vives, go with it and forget about being nice and polite. I am glad this is a big joke to you Evan. Try to understand where woman come from and be respectful. Men can very easily over power us.  Not all men have good intentions.

  8. 8
    Sylvia

    I understand that online dating can be scary, but it doesn't have to be! If you met a stranger in line at the grocery store, you'd likely meet him in public places on dates until you were comfortable having him in your home or going to his. The same rules apply in on line dating! Your instincts shouldn't change no matter where you meet a man. Usually, unless you meet someone through work or friends (and in each case, you'd have some frame of reference about who this man is), the first several dates are usually in public.
    Just as you have met men who made you uncomfortable while you were moving about in your everyday life, should you meet someone on line who makes you uncomfortable, you have options of getting him out of your life. The nice thing about match.com is that if a guy is causing you concern, you can report him and you can block him from being able to read your profile and/or contact you from the site.
    At the end of the day, it is about keeping your wits about you and staying tuned into what your gut is telling you about the guy. A strategy that I've used that has served me well is that I text at least two friends to give them the guy's first and last name, his phone number and the name of the place we are meeting and the time that we are meeting. This has worked wonderfully!! As women, we can always excuse ourselves to go to the restroom and if there is a problem with the date, you can phone a friend or text a friend, or if you are having a great time (which you probably will after being coached by Evan), you can send a text to your friends or family saying you are fine and that you are having a great time!!
    If I am uncomfortable on the date, at the end of the date, rather than letting the guy walk me to my car, I will say my goodbye to him (and let him know it was nice meeting him) inside the restaurant and say that I have to use the bathroom or pick up something at the grocery store next door and I will talk to him later.
    The take home message here is to come up with a plan for your safety and you will be just fine. Also, if you spend some time getting to know him on the phone (a few conversations) over the course of several days before you actually meet, you will get a pretty good feel for him!! Go for it and see what happens!!

  9. 9
    Jody

    @7: This is the argument for online dating? “It’s unlikely that you’ll get murdered by a serial killer”?

  10. 10
    CLM

    Loriann!  All the prior responses to mine have had great ideas.  Mostly I everyone including Evan is saying just get out there….it can happen anywhere at any time.  There are no specifics unfortunately.  I definitely have discovered that myself.  Mara was so right.  Hang in there there are alot of us in the same boat.  Online dating is foreign to alot of us. Eventually you will find your way through.  Give it a try and if you don't like it then just stop.  I have been on Plenty of Fish and numerous others.  Plenty of Fish I have stuck with…meeting some nice gentlemen.  Give it a try…just be smart and wise about who and where to meet….The normal guy off the street could also be a threat but you don't that right off the bat right? Same thing with online dating.  Relax, enjoy meeting people everywhere.  🙂

  11. 11
    Ruby

    eHarmony seems decent for less experienced daters who need alot of hand-holding.  But there are so many other dating sites out there though, and there are Meetups and dating clubs. Personally, I think that being new in town is a great lead-in for a profile. You could write a catchy headline based on being the "new kid on the block", looking for someone to show you the city! 
    I have an over-40 friend who won't do online dating because it feels too "artificial". She'll occasionally go to a meet-up or an event she's interested in, but basically, she just doesn't date at all. 

  12. 12
    Cathy J

    @6 Mara – I like your list.

    Online dating can be fine depending on where you live. eg if you live in Australia and are on a site that is US based you will most likely be knocked out by most matches on location.

    Re online dating being scary – I once took another friend with me when I caught up with the guy – I think he thought it a bit wierd but I am still unsure why. We are more comfortable around friends and meeting somewhere public for coffee especially with another friend seems wise. Others I know,male and female, just do it more subtley, have friends just happening to be in the same place or sitting a few tables away.

    Places to meet – anywhere that interests you… just meander, take it slowly. Make eye contact. Stop and smell the roses. Smile and laugh – that will attract the men to you.

    My last month’s theme was on Guy Magnet: Attract Love!

  13. 13
    IamDavid

    This dynamic between how men approach online dating is very interesting to me. Mens attitude is basically whats the big deal? Lets meet and see if we have chemistry. For some women, it just seems like dating online is such a big deal, such a big commitment. Its coffee and conversation, not marriage! Relax, use common sense, and have fun. Dating should be fun.

    1. 13.1
      Angela

      I agree that dating should be fun. I am in my 40’s and have mostly attracted younger men since my divorce but even men my age seem to expect sex immediately. This is fine if that is what you both want but I hate guys who pretend to “like you” and “want to get to know you” when all they really want is to hook up. I can respect a man that just says that up front more than one who pretends he wants more. Although I do not do “hook ups” nor do I go out with someone looking for marriage. I would love to meet someone and just go out, get to know each other, have fun and not feel like I’m going to be expected to sleep with them just because they bought me dinner. If the chemistry is there and both want a sexual relationship then that’s fine but sometimes just getting to know someone and like the above post said, just having fun would be nice.

      1. 13.1.1
        peter ochom

        Angela i have really liked your advise,

  14. 14
    Steve

    I just canceled my Plenty Of Fish account.   The software wouldn't let me update my profile unless I provided Plenty Of Fish with information about income.

    The owner of the site decided he needed that information for a matching function he created and he is cutting features off for POF members who do not provide that information.

  15. 15
    sayanta

    Cathy-
     
    You took a friend with you on a date and don't understand why the guy thought that's weird? Seriously? I mean, seriously?
     
    As women, we need to be cautious, but there's a line between being cautious and seeing killers everywhere.

  16. 16
    Cathy J

    Sayanta
     
    No, wasn't thinking serial killer. 
     
    I suppose that's the difference – your dating expectations.  How do you know if you like someone and may want to get to know them better until you have spent some time hanging out.  Why does it need to be one on one?  This is why the singles dinner groups are so popular.  You get to meet new people in small groups where they are more likely to be relaxed.  I used to hold parties regularly and invite a few singles just so they would have the opportunity to meet other singles and relationships, friendship or potential romantic ones, could develop naturally.
     
    Wouldn't the world be boring if we were all the same 🙂
     
     

    1. 16.1
      bkpm

      Well, I also met a perfect  woman on-line, least that is what I thought. I suspect very strange reactions when she tried hard to convince who she was. Then I caught her mistakes. I played with her how far she could go with lies. I still don’t know who she is, why she wants to play with others hearts. I still do not know where I can find single woman. Volunteer, extra activities, going park, you do not have time to do if you have children at home. Wake up 6:00 am, send kids to school 7:00, work until 5:00 pm, diner at 6:30 pm. I could not find any extra time to do, so I turned on-line dating service. On-line dating service is necessary  evil. I will be optimistic and hope to find right woman someday, but don’t know how.

       

    2. 16.2
      Angela

      Hi Cathy,

      I’ve always read that you should introduce a potential partner to your friends to see what they think.  I agree with you that it doesn’t have to be one on one until you feel comfortable.   I hear all this talk about instant chemistry which is great but I still want to like you.  How you interact with my friends and other people does matter.  Men are very visual by nature so they are primarily interested in how we look initially.   What they do not underdtand is that it takes us woman a while to decide if we even like them.  They have to make an effort and invest in us first.  It seems like the men on dating sites, only want a hookup and no effort on their part.  I think you are smart.  Do what makes you comfortable and is fun for you.  The great thing about it is if the date sucks, you do not like him, you can still hang out with your friend and have fun.  You ddidn’t waste an outfit or getting fixec up.

  17. 17
    JB

    Kinda makes you wonder why anyone who's familiar enough with Evan would email him THIS question?? When we all know as should anyone that's even vaguely  familiar with this site what the answer is. Unless you have a bar or bars  that specifically caters to an over 40 crowd like we used to have for 10 yrs in my area before it closed you have to do internet dating.
    Like Evan said by the end of your first full day on Match.com you'll have 75-100 guys wanting to take you out for a drink.Let's ask all the guys on here,which one of us wouldn't cut off a testicle just to have those numbers to be possible for men? Oh yeah,and you'll probably never have to pull out your wallet.
    On a different note I've noticed a lot of people in our area are using Meetup.com groups as a low pressure way to "meet people and mingle" without the pressure of going one on one and actually dating per se. You just join a "Meetup group" that has your interests and go hang out when they have a get together.You can see pics of all the people in the group on each site but people don't say any stats about themselves like a noraml dating site ie: age,height,weight,income and marital status that we've all come to love. Many people that are of Match,POF,Yahoo etc…. are in at least 1-5 Meetup groups as well.

  18. 18
    Selena

    @Steve #13
     
    I'm curious as to why the owner of POF would make restrictions on the site based on providing income information. Is he trying to match people based on comparable incomes? I've never been on a dating site, but isn't it customary that discussion about income/financial resources come as part of getting to know someone, not before?
     
    I was raised that a person's income is no one else's business. I would be put off by such an inquiry on an internet site. Wonder what they were doing with such information. It just sounds…tacky.

  19. 19
    Karl R

    Loriann asked: (original post)
    "Where do you go to meet someone at my age?"
     
    I'm a 40 year old man. This isn't rocket science. The world is filled with men and women. There's no secret place to go. It's how you meet the men (or women) who are all around you.
     
    Loriann asked: (original post)
    "So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don't know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?"
     
    Get a hobby. Do something that you're passionate about. Try something new. You might meet new people. You'll definitely seem more interesting to anyone you meet.
     
    Loriann said: (original post)
    "I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!)."
     
    Why is this a nightmare? You're willing to ask a complete stranger on the internet for dating advice, but you think it's horrible that the people closest to you keep trying to introduce you to men who meet their approval? Given that the worst case scenario is that you meet someone you're not interested in, I'd say your nightmares are really bland.
     
    Loriann asked: (original post)
    "What do single people do at 40 and over?"
     
    The successful daters DO something. I sing in a church choir. I go to a couple yoga classes each week. I go to the dance studio and out dancing a few evenings per week. I go to the free outdoor theater….
     
    But I also met an attractive woman while sitting at the counter of a diner … while I was still wearing the same sweaty clothes I'd just exercised for 3 hours in.
     
    Every day you're someplace where you can meet men. Do you know what to do when you're there?

    1. 19.1
      Rob

      How tall are you, Karl?

      1. 19.1.1
        Karl R

        5’11”

  20. 20
    JuJu

    I won't meet any man who won't give me his last name and where he works, phone number, etc.
     
    Has this been an effective strategy?
    I mean, *I* wouldn't answer similar questions about myself to someone I haven't even met yet!

  21. 21
    sayanta

    Cathy, #16-
    Ok- what you're talking about- groups of singles hanging out, is different from what I thought you were saying. I totally agree with that. I thought you meant bringing girlfriends along on dates with guys- as in, like a 'chaperone' from Jane Austen novels.

    1. 21.1
      Vincent

      I every thing about about this page is interesting

  22. 22
    JuJu

    I've been doing online dating on and off for almost a decade now, and never once have I felt that I was in danger, nor, I might add, have I ever taken the precautions some here describe.
     
    It's so baffling to hear these fears about the safety or the stigma or anything else somehow associated with online dating, especially now after so many years it's been popular that it has become the prevalent way of meeting people.
     
    Demanding personal info from complete strangers, Googling them for verification, bringing a friend (!), I have to wonder – where do you choose to meet with your dates? In abandoned warehouses in secluded areas? Why all the paranoia?

    1. 22.1
      olga

      So you been doing online dating on and off for a bout a decade? You haven’t found any good guys or serious relationships have you? There’s a reason they go on there, they’re either creeps looking for they’re next prey or complete losers who can find a real woman.You’ll never know what the person is about or if you can completely TRUST them from online dating.Who knows what they were doing on there while talking to you or if they even stopped after dating in person.And forget about if if your are christian looking for a christian man.Impossible!

  23. 23
    Victoria

    I appreciate the real life experiences & the ffedback of the postings here.
    Evan – I have  been reading your blog, and purchased both "What friends would tell you" & most recently "why he diassapeared". You  have  good insights to peolpe, so I'm surprised @ how harsh your response to my concern about personal safety was. Ask Allison Armstrong about the prevelancy of women who know they are alone, that no one is looking out   for their wellbeing but themselves, and their instinctual concerns about their safety.

  24. 24
    Evan Marc Katz

    I appreciate your comment – and recognize that my answer was glib. Intentionally so, to make a point.

    A majority of my clients are women over 40 and probably 1/3 of them are over 50. So, believe me, I really do understand the plight of single women better than any of your other fiftysomething married women friends.

    And while I could clearly have shown more sensitivity to you, my feelings remain the same. Yes, you’re alone. Yes, no one’s looking out for you. Yes, you are going to have a greater concern for your safety than men.

    Yet you should be far more concerned about being seduced by a Nigerian scammer who wants money than you should be worried about some 60-year-old lonely man turning violent. I have heard many incidents of financial fraud against women over 50, and NO incidents regarding physical safety. As such, your fear is more in your mind than in reality.

  25. 25
    Ruby

    If someone hasn't dated  in 25 years, perhaps they still view online dating the way it might have been seen 25 years ago. Personal ads were just starting up and there was still some stigma attached  to finding dates this way. I'd say online dating is the norm now, even for much younger people who typically have access to many more singles in their age range.

  26. 26
    starthrower68

    @ Evan #24,
    I spent a lot of time lately shutting down Nigerian scammers; the good news is, they give themselves away.  You can pretty much flush them out immediately and get rid of them.
    I guess there is still sort of a stigma with online dating, but so many people do it these days that it's kinda silly.  After all, there was a day and time when we used to have mail order brides.  I don't know if I will meet "the one" online; I don't even know if I will meet him "offline".  It's just an option for increasing opportunities.

  27. 27
    Selena

    As someone who has yet to try online dating, what I find unappealing about it is that it is essentially going on rounds of "blind dates". I've been on blind dates, either as set up by friends, or in two cases, men I met through an internet venue and find I much prefer to meet people in casual settings. There is an *expectation* factor in blind dating that isn't there when you meet someone before you agree to a date with them.
     
    That said, unless you have a huge social circle, or a convenient "gray bar", it can be difficult to meet new people in middle age. I smirk when I read about meeting men in grocery stores – how often does that actually happen? Anyone? I've been grocery shopping literally thousands of times and I don't think I've ever had so much as a casual conversation with a man in the produce aisle. Or any other aisle.
     
    So, I think if a person really wants to meet someone for a relationship, internet dating sites are certainly an option worth exploring.

  28. 28
    hunter

    Women, don't forget to make yourself presentable/doll up, once a week, every two weeks, etc. when you are free to do so..I know many of you hold jobs…and go to coffeehouses, family restaurants, etc. mostly, during morning hours….. 

  29. 29
    Jody

    @24: ALL women have concerns about their physical safety that men don’t. If you don’t consider your physical safety in situations that involve strange men, you are not being smart and are more likely to be victimized than your more cautious sister. Until you know a guy, you don’t know whether he is predatory or not. And yes, older women are a big target group for predatory men. Not necessarily for the serial killer kind of predator, but for the financial scammers.

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