Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Loriann

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.

It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”

They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”

No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.

It’s called Match.com, it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.

…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.

You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Diane

    Sooz,
    I’m puzzled too that you don’t get to the actual dating stage very often. Have you put all your eggs in one basket by only subscribing to an online dating site like Match?
    Have you considered joining an evening college course where men in your age group have an interest, like photography,art and design, or languages.
    Two of my friends met their long term partners at one of these courses. Having a shared interest is a great ice breaker.
     

  2. 92
    Ace

    Hey there I suggest not bothering with online dating as its just full of weirdos lol just ask someone out in person lol I wish I could walk up and start talking to a girl but I am to shy and tried Internet dating omg waist of the last year I met two people wich I wished I never met lol so I am at the end of looking for good but if you find a good way to meet people please let me know thanks

  3. 94
    Leanna

    You think you have it bad?…Be a 40+ african-american woman. I’m educated, professional, living in the ‘burbs!’ I get offers for sex, but never a date! I’m 5’2 120lbs and I’m called gorgeous…yes I’m told…but you’re Black!!

    1. 94.1
      Kimberly

      Leanna,

      I feel your pain. I am 50, professional, black, living in the burbs too.
      I don’t have the figure of yesteryear..I am “big boned” ha ha.
      So its a little hard, but…I try to have fun. Tomorrow church and a meet up.
      Who knows

  4. 95
    Sheila

    Interesting conversation.
    1) Weight doesn’t have as much to do with attractiveness as some seem to think. Weight does narrow the field, though.
    What is MORE important is your attitude.  Your attitude about yourself.  How do you carry yourself? Do you hold your head up? Do you look like you have self-confidence?  Are you dressed/groomed appropriately?
    When you talk (and type) do you come across positive? (who wants negative attitude?) Do you have an appropriate vocabulary and sense of humor?  
    2) Online dating can be scary because it is anonymous and because someone we know might see it.  But, if someone sees it, it usually means they are looking to date.  I actually have dated a few people I already knew, but neither of us knew the other was single and looking until we found each other on a dating site. 
    3) Meeting guys at classes actually works.  I took a local “get to know your police” class.  Met a guy, dated very happily for awhile. Looking for your help on what classes single middle aged guys might be taking these days.

     

  5. 96
    TygerTyger

    Online dating…seriously? Where else can you run into a nigger group of lazy dysfunctional people. I tried online dating, almost every site there is, from those that turned out to be nothing more than hook up sites to the more “marriage minded” ones..and found alot of the same men on all sites…filled with ‘leftovers” and the socially illiterate. Self centered, wanting to get laid on the first date, herpes (turned out quite a few admitted to me of this affliction)…quite a few financially challenged..not just debt, we are talking the no-car-still-relying-on-mom types who are over 50. Creeps, liars (misrepresenting their ages) and lots of married men or those with one foot out the door but not separated.

    I would NEVER recommend online dating. It brings out the worst in people and the worst people. I’ve just never seen such laziness, the men want to be pursued and romanced like a woman, and so many of them are unemployed and misogynistic…truly demented.

    Demented? You just said the N-word. Pot, kettle. – EMK

  6. 97
    SK Friend

    I know a bunch of serial killers. They are now active on most dating sirtes killing women in theri 20s through 60s. Beware! Go buy yourself a dildo instead!

  7. 98
    White European

    “You think you have it bad?…Be a 40+ african-american woman. I’m educated, professional, living in the ‘burbs!’ I get offers for sex, but never a date! I’m 5’2 120lbs and I’m called gorgeous…yes I’m told…but you’re Black!!”
    Leanna: you’re wrong. Personality matters, colour does not. At least toi NORMAL people, not the KKK or RR (reverse racists). I’m 48 and I spent 20 years in this difficult country. Women in USA doesn’t matter the colour seem so “independent” (fake?) and difficult and so demanding, but when they turn 40 things turn around. I was married to a Black woman. Got kicked out for lack of attention….but why? Because i got tired of her demands to cook, clean and be nice, while she was always angry and impossible to talk to. I’m not a door rag neither I’m an USAmerican, so I stopped talking to her. If you’re decent woman, no drugs, no anger, no too fat, contact me.

  8. 99
    judy

    Evan Marc Katz – 24. I would say that any woman in any circumstance would be wise to look after her physical safety. Unlike one of the posters on here who checks out HIS surname and office etc., I would NOT advise a woman to give her real date of birth or location and certainly not the office she works or too many details.

    But her fear is most certainly NOT in her mind.

    Because of my profession, I happen to know that women ARE aggressed and it is foolish to say otherwise. Some useful advice – listen to your gut, don’t get in his car if it doesn’t feel right, get your own taxi home and should you still decide to get in his car, make sure you have the number plate AND tell your friends where you are.

    It isn’t wise to be paranoid – and neither is it wise to be foolish about your own safety.

  9. 100
    asdfghjkl;

    I love how some dating “experts” push online dating. Our society is becoming too mechanized and computerized. Online dating should be a last resort, when all other options have failed.

    I tried online dating for almost 3 months and experienced massive burnout. Like Selena said, it is an endless round of blind dates. Most people lie about their appearances (men about height; women about weight). They post dated pictures. So you have to be honest: You don’t know what these men look like. The profiles all start to sound the same after a while. And you will turn down a lot of men who you might otherwise click with, based on stupid criteria. As a woman with a child, I was doubtlessly turned down by men who didn’t want to date a single mom – even though, had they met me in person, they wouldn’t have known I had a kid and wouldn’t have judged me like an item on a store shelf.

    I would not log on to a dating website every day unless you found someone you like to communicate with. And I would make a point to take things offline as soon as possible.

    Internet dates feel despicably awkward, forced and fake. The men I’ve met are sexually desperate and try to go in for a hug the first time you meet. They grope, grab, push you against things and press into you, press their faces against yours…. Always meet at a location away from alcohol for the first date.

    Also be aware of distance. Don’t waste time talking to men who are too far away. Over a half an hour is too much travel time, IMO.

    There is an article I read that online dating is conducive mainly to hookups.

    Internet daters tend to be socially awkward, or too afraid/lazy/thoughtless to break out of their routines and try to meet people in person. I fell into the latter category. I am now making an effort to get out there and see who I meet.

    Internet daters face the burden of becoming “professional daters,” i.e. people who keep going on date after date with different people, never settling down. It’s the “the next one will be better” mentality.

    Some people who start Internet dating never stop. Even when they find a relationship – once it ends, they’re right back on their computer. Rebound alert!

    Don’t throw all those lame Match and eHarmony commercials at me. Most married couples met offline, period. Do some research on Internet dating. It’s not recommendable, and not for everyone. It should definitely NOT be the only solution.

    (Hey, Fake Name. It’s your host, EMK. Yes, most married couples met offline but that’s solely because most people don’t date online. As it stands, 1/3 of all recent marriages started online. So I’m not sure you you can say that something that has helped millions of people is “not recommendable”. Leave the advice to me, and you can continue to meet men…um…however you meet men in real life…about twice a year if you’re lucky.)

  10. 101
    Mark

    MeetUp.com is a GREAT site!!!  You can find lots of things to do from Dancing to meditation to groups just going out for a social time.  There’s groups specifically for singles to meet other singles.  There’s over 40, over 50 groups.  There’s no pressure, the only commitment you make is to be in the group and no you don’t have to attend every Meetup the group has, only what appeals to you.  No I don’t work for MeetUp.com  but I have created a Meetup group for social dancing.

    1. 101.1
      SparklingEmerald

      I agree, I LOVE MeetUp.com.  I am an organizer for a group, and belong to several, which means I never had to stay home bored.  There’s ALWAYS something I can be doing. 
      I have dated a few men from meetup.com, nothing that led to an LTR but it was fun anyway. 
      It’ great for singles, married couples looking for other couples to do activities with, married couples looking to go out and have fun and meet people together, people who are new in town, anyone with an unusual special interest looking for someone who shares that interest.
      It’s not just for singles, but it certainly is great for single people looking to have fun.
       

  11. 102
    Dave

    Don’t do Match.com as waste of time and money coming from a 49 yr old male who tried it.
    Try joining a club(don’t mean fitness) where you can talk to other people where a sports club or something like Toastmasters or library club or even a w walk club. Just get out in person and met people. 

  12. 103
    Gwynn

    While I previously stated my bas experiences about online dating, I didn’t meet any serial killers or rapists.  Women need to use some common sense before going out with men they have only met online.  Get a full name.  Tell at least two people were you are going. Get a phone number and share it with those same two people. I also use to meet people at locations I was familiar with and I knew people at. My very first date was caddy corner from a police station. Women can have fun they just have to be smart about it.
    As for beauty, yes weight can be an important factor but so can grooming. I don’t know how many times I have seen a woman that could be attractive but she is poorly dressed and in desperate need of some make up tips and hair styling. The clothing a women selects can make that size 14 look like a day gardening or oh la la. Also don’t get dressed up for a man. Do it for yourself. It helps portray confidence even if you don’t feel like you have any at that time. The confidence is what shows off a persons attractiveness. As smile. Nothing is as inviting for a conversation as a smile.

  13. 104
    judy

    Gwynn 103, I agree with your first paragraph, except that a serial killer or rapists WOULD go on a dating site, wouldn’t he? The same way as a normal guy would.  The same way as these creeps are in daily life too.
    As for the second point, many men have said they prefer me without make-up (and my make-up is generally quite soft).  Poorly dressed? What exactly do you mean?
    Women don’t always know what a man likes anyway.  Show too much and you’re provocative, don’t show enough, and you’re a prude.  More positively, if a man doesn’t like the way I dress, he knows where he can go.

  14. 105
    Nena

    You know what?  I’ve done the online dating thing – and I have met past relationships on places like match.com.  In general, I have to say the pool of men (at least in my area) online is lame.  I get emails/winks/compliments, but the guys are just not what I would be attracted to or interested in by any stretch of the imagination.  I wouldn’t touch them to scratch them, as cat woman would say.  Sorry, but I’m just saying a woman (no matter how old), has to have standards.  But in doing so, since in the 40+ age group the pool of available and GOOD to EXCELLENT men is so small, the pickins seem to be pretty darned slim.  
    oh – and older men have tons of issues.  younger guys are a lot more open and easier.

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