Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Loriann

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.

It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”

They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”

No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.

It’s called Match.com, it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.

…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.

You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Cate

    In my first month on OKC, I was stalked (by the first man to whom I gave my cell phone number), sent unsolicited dick shots by four men, received so many copy/paste emails I lost count, had to block at least six men for aggressive sexual messages (after I asked them to stop sending such), and got dozens of inquiries from much-younger men who were looking for a cougar to bang. I also got many messages from men who couldn’t write or punctuate a coherent sentence and obviously did not read any of my profile (like the parts about being pagan, vegan, and NOT being interested in hookups). Got the angry, abusive kind, too (one called me a b*tch on the third message because I didn’t give him my phone and address so he could come over and #$@& me). After the initial flurry, things calmed down, and now, three months later, I’m only getting the occasional dick shot or scam message. 
    Yes, that was fun.  
    It did not give me a favorable opinion of online dating.  

  2. 122
    Vera

    Mmm, so interesting. Have to say, I did step out of the comfort zone a number of times and do internet dating. Found it incredibly demoralising and disappointing. If this is the only option for us over 40s, I’m going to be sad and lonely. The virtual dating world is a peculiar beast. If it works for you, good for you. I’ve hated it.

  3. 123
    Dene

    My experience as a single guy was that most of the women I met had no trouble finding available single men if they tried. As part of my search for a lady I went to ballroom dance classes. I noticed that for every woman there were nine men. I played social tennis, same ratio applied. I went to evening classes, virtually no.women no matter what the subject.

    Maybe my experience was unique, but most men I talk to say that women are looking for George Clunie who works as a doctor and with settle for nothing less. Interestingly a survey of 2000 American women rated 80% of the men on a large dating site as “below average”. Interestingly now that I am happily married for 15 years women find me much more attractive than when I was single.

    So I have taken a long time to say, go out there, don’t be too unrealistic, and have fun and you should have no problem finding lots of attractive men.

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