Where Do You Draw The Line When Your Girlfriend Asks For Money?

Hi Evan,

I’ve been reading your blog weekly for almost 6 months, and have been many of your past archives. I’ve not seen this question answered before, so here goes: Where do you draw the line when your girlfriend asks for money? We’ve enjoyed each other immensely for the last 9 months… until she decided to return to school to get an advanced degree. She now can only work part-time, and has trouble paying her bills. On top of that, her car recently died and she had no money to get another one. I gave her some money to help her get a used car, but she still struggles to pay her ($1,000 per month) mortgage and other bills. She says that since she would do anything for me if I had problems, she expects her man to do likewise for her. I have a decent job (making about 100K per year), but I just don’t like the idea of giving anyone money. We appear to be breaking up over this, since she says she really can’t stand the thought of her man not helping her out if he can afford to do so. Am I wrong?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Congratulations. You’re her sugar daddy.

As I see it, the real problem here is that you bailed her out without having a commitment – and now she feels entitled to more bailout money. You’re the U.S. Government, she’s AIG – and your relationship is still ill-defined.

She’s relying on you as a husband even though you’re not a husband. Which makes this a good time to ask yourself: do I want to marry this woman

And, if not, breaking up might not be the worst thing in the world.

As I see it, the real problem here is that you bailed her out without having a commitment – and now she feels entitled to more bailout money. You’re the U.S. Government, she’s AIG – and your relationship is still ill-defined.

That ill-defined relationship – 9 good months together without living together or getting engaged – seems to have created a blurry set of expectations on her part. She genuinely thinks that your money is her money and is depending on you to carry her while she tries to work and go to school simultaneously.

And unless you agreed to that arrangement, you’re allowing yourself to be used by her. It’s really easy for her to say that she’d do anything for you – in theory, I’m sure she would. But what if you decided you were going to quit your six-figure job to be supported by her as you attend art school. And to supplement that, you asked for an allowance, because affording rent, tuition and supplies was suddenly cost-prohibitive? I’ll bet she’d be singing a different tune.

The rules do change when you’re living together, engaged, or married. If I’m paying $3000/month rent and my fiance lives in my room and can’t afford to contribute much to our monthly expenses, that’s fine.

If her car gets dinged and she’s too cash-poor to fix it, I’ll offer a loan, which she may or may not repay.

Hell, this year, my wife underdeclared her taxes and I had to spend a decent chunk of change to make it right with the IRS. Was I thrilled? No. But that’s the sacrifice of marriage. That’s what you do in a partnership.

The bigger issue, Bob, is this: the RIGHT woman doesn’t WANT you to bail her out. The right woman wouldn’t ASK you to subsidize her education and strain your finances.

Think about what would happen if you were to break up with her. Would she be homeless? Would she have to quit school? Would she have to get a different job? Would she have to move to a cheaper place? Whatever it is, she is fully responsible for herself. And by taking responsibility for HER lack of finances, you are the enabler who allows this to continue…and then you resent her for it.

The RIGHT woman doesn’t WANT you to bail her out. The right woman wouldn’t ASK you to subsidize her education and strain your finances.

If you think this woman is your future wife, then perhaps this is a sacrifice that you want to make on her behalf. But if she’s not, I’d put a stop to it right this second.

So, in answer to your question: “Am I wrong?”: if you’re wrong about anything, it’s in being TOO generous with a woman who is perfectly content in exploiting your generosity.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Michael

    You are an ATM machine. hahahahaha

    1. 121.1
      melanie

      Spoken like a man.  A greedy man.

  2. 122
    melanie

    I am kind of dating my ex husband.  I raised our daughter alone since he wanted out of our marriage and chose to have very little to do with our daughter.  I have worked multiple jobs, one the same for over 20 years and have struggled to get by all of my daughter’s life.  My daughter and I have lived at the poverty level.  I have a mortgage and lots of bills I can’t pay.  He owns two homes and two cottages mortgage free and has never had to pay a mortgage.  My daughter was not transported by him anywhere throughout her childhood.  I have a 2006 focus sitting in the yard with 215,000 miles on it.  The brakes are done.  I am sick to my stomach because I won’t be able to pay to get them fixed and will be without a car.  He has 67,000 miles on his car.  Why????????  Because he transported our daughter nowhere.  I think the law should stop men from getting away with this kind of thing and I think he should offer to pay for half of my car repair or help me to buy a new car.  I wore mine out transporting a daughter that he walked away from.  My advice to this girl is to run away from this guy quickly.  Greed will cause nothing but suffering for her forever.  If they do get married, she will end up paying her own way for everything.  I have done the work of raising our daughter every single day and I have gone without basic necessities while my ex carried on his life in bachelor style.  This girl should recognize that the courts allow this and if she marries him and then divorces him, he can walk away almost scot-free.  Love should be more important than money and if it isn’t, then that guy is a greedy jerk. 

  3. 123
    Jackson Ludwig

    I’m going through almost the exact same scenario.  After dating my gf for about 1.5 yrs, she decided to go back to school on a scholarship, and also receives student loans.  Lately she’s been cross with me because I’m not leaping at the chance to help her out and throw her some dollars, yet at the same time, I’m trying to pay off my own debt, as well as money I already spent on us on a vacation.  She told me it was a cultural thing, and that in Asian culture a guy would leap at the chance to financially help their significant other.  A few weeks back after lots of arguments, I decided to throw her some money and she was very happy about it, but I fear I’ve opened the flood gates.   To be fair, however, when she does have money, she’s always good about helping me out or repaying me.  
    For me, it goes back to entitlement.  What person  feels they are entitled to another person’s money?  I mean..if I offer it on my own accord fine…but to get mad at me because I didn’t offer it seems backwards.  I fear if I give any more money I will be used. 

  4. 124
    Deb

    She had a good job and decided to go back to school and now cannot support herself. She is expecting her bf to be her sugar daddy and he should NOTdo it.  If he knuckles under to her pressure and pays, she will find an excuse to drop him once she has finished school and improved her situation.  I personally think he should end the relationship. 

  5. 125
    Stunned

    I’m totally stunned by Evan’s cold-blooded response and all who cheered and added more uncaring and misguided responses.

    If Bob is dating her because he cares for her, respects her, enjoys her company, feels an ounce of compassion, and is financially capable, why wouldn’t he help??

    Should she stand on a street with a cardboard sign? Should she beg, borrow or steal? Maybe she will magically get a higher paying job? Maybe she should take out loans she can’t afford. 

    Sounds like Bob wanted to benefit from this relationship, have good times, and enjoy his six figures without considering the woman might want to strive to become successful like him. I’m guessing Bob is not a Biblical or an evolutionary psychology thinking gentleman. 

    Bob missed red flags, i.e. her car had to have been older or in poor condition at the beginning and it should have been apparent that her job and income needed improvement.

    Maybe she felt improving herself would make her more appealing to Bob. Or, she wanted to feel more like she was on Bob’s level. Or, she felt it would increase the chance that Bob would marry her if she advanced her education and career.

    If Bob has a negative attitude about helping a woman he is in a relationship with, the woman should find a man who appreciates her and cares about her well-being and efforts to improve. Bob could date up by making sure the next woman earns a six digit income to match his. 

    If Bob breaks up with her because he doesn’t want to provide financial assistance, his intentions and commitment was qestionable.  

    Of course, she could be taking advantage of this situation to make life improvements she couldn’t do on her own. Bob should be happy that his money is being utilized for good and she’s not asking so she can buy drugs, designer clothing, or other irresponsible purchases. 

    1. 125.1
      Jo

      I am totally with you on this here. I was in that girl’s position once. I think EMK’s’ response is a bit cold blooded and one sided.

  6. 126
    Stunned

    #57 Bob,
    I guess the$1500 was your severance pay after having a good time.  

  7. 127
    Steve

    Here’s a story.  A true story.  My girlfriend of 10 years broke up with me 2 months ago. During the course of our relationship we both had financial issues because of divorce expenses.  Mine was particularly expensive (5 years).  Long story short.  As the money dwindled we began doing less and less.  During the course of the 10 years I have given, not loaned several thousands because she was my significan’t other.  Not a problem for me.  So post breakup, since she said I didn’t make her a priority (she had problems with my kids). She stopped contacting me, via email, text or phone calls.  I had to bail her out financially on a jont business venture we were on to protect my reputaion.  She hasn’t had a regular job in 9 years and quit an 80k a year job because she didn’t like it.  So, she began to start communicating with me ever now and then, but then it got to be every day, all day.  She then told me that she has to stop texting me because she needs her space to Heal.  Ok fine.  I’m not pushing on her, but I love her dearly and that kind of stung.  No more contact.  That following week I sold my business, which was a valuable asset.  Now it’s 7 days of no contact. She gets wind of the sale and texts me a congratulatory message.  She knows. I Spent 2 years trying to sell.  Then the next day she calls.  Lo and behold we spend hours on the phone and a lot of textng back and forth.  Then 2 days later she lays it on me.  She needs sone  money.  She still isn’t working, turned down 2 jobs just this week.  So I give her what she asked for, but she is adamant that we can never be a couple again like we were.  She wants to remain friends though!  Ouch!

    1. 127.1
      SparklingEmerald

      She sounds like a woman of low character.  She’s taking advantage of your still lingering feelings to subsidize her do nothing lifestyle at your expense.  With “friends” like her, you don’t need enemies.  She’s no better than a guy who will send a text, to the ex for some NSA sex.   I hope you tell this friend to get lost.

  8. 128
    shawn

    i know a gal that only calls when she needs to eat, gas money, or needs to borrow money or needs a place to rest/sleep when she is tired. because she is cute (with lots of makeup on) a guy would put up with it. monthly cost: 500 to 700. this does not include the money borrowed. In return what does the guy get? an occasional peck on the cheek. 
    someone knock sense into this guy 🙂

  9. 129
    starthrower68

    It always comes down to sex and money.  

  10. 130
    lauren

    Anyone had this thought in mind? He is using her for sex? Most men want the female to make their own, but need sex. You ever think he just want to use her for sex?

  11. 131
    loveovermoney

    I generally dont post online BUT this hit home for me recently. I met a girl in 2013 and we fell in love. I am not typically the type who does, but it happened and I was in love all the way. There were signs in the beginning that should have warned me. She asked me for $2000 to pay her bills since she didn’t work when i first met her. come to think of it, she was unemployed 4 months when i met her. she lived on her own prior to this and had a BF (he was ugly and a Dr). I am grateful for being a good looking guy and a business man. I loved her a lot and we had a great time together. She weathered some storms with me with my issues, towards the end of 2013, I had a major financial set-back. No business, no income coming in. I was married before and told my ex-wife of my situation and she offered to let me use a room in her home until I got myself up and running. My own GF didn’t offer this as she felt she couldn’t (another lie, she started working and making 70K year). I broke it off with her because I felt betrayed and the stress of no income, etc got to me. I loved her still through this period. I went out on dates after and realized I wanted something real like we had. I tried getting back with her 2 months later but she said she didn’t want to because I didnt have my “shit” together. I felt very lost and very hurt after this. 2 more months goes by as I start my recovery, she calls, we see eachother, have great sex at a hotel, she cries telling me how much she misses me and loves me and I hurt her. I told her I want her in my life. She then next day dissapears. I dont hear from her ( i didn’t call because I felt something was up) for another 1 month or so. She told me she’s seeing someone and can’t see me. I felt like crap but accepted this. She told me she still in love with me though.. 2 more months goes by in 2014- April- she calls me and i told her that I am doing well, money is coming in ( i HATED myself for telling her about money to bring her back ) says she wants to be with me. I said okay great. didn’t last a week- i felt something was strange. i moved on, she calls 1 month later (july) and she moved into her own place and wont let me see it or come over. I saw her at a hotel for 18 hour period, we had great sex and then she dissapeared. than September, she calls and I brag about my finances (all lies btw) and she said that she is tangled in a mess with a guy (another ugly Dr) who she doesnt want to be with and has broken up with him several times. but she still has feelings for him and he calls her back and she goes back to him because he cries a lot and wants her. I told her off – really bad and went away. In october 2014- she calls again and said I have made up my mind, i want to be with you BUT i am not working anymore and I need to be taken care of financially. She said the Dr boyfriend realized she was stressed out, on anti-anxiety meds (she gained some weight -about 15#) and i told her i will only take care of a woman IF i am married to them and or we are living together. She gave me the ultimate guilt trip, about me being a man, being accountable. I couldnt win this arguement. I saw her the following week- BTW- she kept her distance with me- i saw her only 3xs in October- and she wanted me to give her $5k a month starting 10/31. I knew something was off.. 2nd time I saw her, she called the Dr bf and called it off with him in front of me. this was the 4th time she did this to him. not even 4 days later she and i got into a fight about her distance and other bs.. i had a real relationship with her so I knew what that felt like- this wasn’t it. anyway, this last week, we got back together again and I was stressing like crazy on paying her bills and mine, my ex wifes and kids and trying to make it all work. I honestly felt that because I loved her it was my duty to take care of her – BUT i needed more than what we had. i wanted a marriage and commitment of the highest degree. In 2013, i spoiled her with gifts only for her to tell me that “she owes me nothing” that hurt. My ex wife doesnt even have those feelings. Anyway, I tested her by telling her that i feel the distance and seeing me when it is most convenient and changing plans at last minute is disrespectful to me and i wont stand for it. As such, until we get married, I wont take care of her financially. Didn’t hear back from her at all for 2 whole days. Until last night, when the only text she sent me “was not to contact her anymore. It’s very unhealthy for her”  I was with my friends who were all telling me that she just wanted money- she loved me But she must have a habit of being taking care of by men. This time around, she found someone she loves deeply (me) and expected same- but she found someone stronger and isn’t desperate.i woudnt doubt she called the last Dr guy and got him to thing “she needs him and his help and she wants to be with him ” before sending me the text. Its truly sad she chose to sell her soul and heart for money. I felt what we had was special and worth more than anything money. but reality of this life in OC is different. thanks for this post that confirmed my own values that I will not take care of anyone financially until I marry them.
     
     

    1. 131.1
      Karmic Equation

      Dude, why would you want to marry such a flake and user? Seriously?? She did you a favor.

      Stop thinking with the little head. That wasn’t love on your part. That was lust.

      It certainly wasn’t love on her part. That was avarice.

      You dodged a bulllet and you don’t even know it. How sad.

      Wake up, guy. There is more to love than great sex and beauty.

  12. 132
    Adam

    I only believe in giving money to a woman I’m actually married to.

    While I am happy to pay for a dinner or another date, I don’t lend women money. What happens is the dynamic of the relationship changes if you do and she starts to look at you like her personal ATM.

    It is so funny. Feminists talk about equality, equality, equality. Yet at the same time, some of these same women that talk about equality, expect men to support the lifestyles of some women who want to use men as ATMsm

    1. 132.1
      Tamika Thompson-Burke

      Using someone and needing assistance-big difference.  I’m not a feminist. I’m very traditional with my views and dating.  I know what I’m bringing to the table.  Crumbs are unacceptable to me.  That being said, I can’t date broke. ..ever.

  13. 133
    Jamie

    I’ve noticed that in the vast majority of relationships (romantic or otherwise) the person who receives the benefit of sacrifice is the one who ‘Would do anything for the other person and/or believes we’re a team who should band together to overcome this obstacle (read: give person money)’. 

  14. 134
    Judy Fraley

    I’m in a similar situation. I lost my job while in a relationship with a great guy. We love each other but does financial difficulty mean I love you until you lose your job?

    Mao I gotta ask do you love this woman?

  15. 135
    Headly

    If a guy truly loves his GF, he doe not want ONLY great time with her, he naturally WANTS to support and help her. Relationship is NOT just sex and fun, what most guys want. Relationship is helping your GF/BF in a tough time too. If a guy doesn’t want to help his GF that means he never loved her and wanted just a great time with her. So, she better leaves him as soon as possible as there is no point to keep dating. This guy will never stand by her in tough times.

    If a BF cannot help his GF he loves, especially when he easily can, then he does NOT deserve a GF and a relationship. He can have one-night stands, flings, whatever but NOT a relationship.

    Nowadays, most parents don’t educate little boys to be a man, that’s why when they grow up, they are sissies without any understanding what it is to be a man and what man’s responsibilities are. They want his woman to be EQUAL to him but yet, very feminine, classy, sexy, lady like.

    There is NO both. It is either one or another. Want an equal woman, who pays for herself, then don’t complain that she acts like a man, as it requires masculinity. If you want a lady, then be a man yourself and a gentleman, and let her be feminine.

    In nature, everything has to be balanced. If men are loosing their masculinity and gaining femininity, then women have to get masculinity and loose their femininity.

    So, guys, stop being sissies. Grow up, and take the man’s responsibilities… and if you are whining about helping and supporting your GF, when she has some financial problems, then you don’t deserve her, and let her go to date a real man. I bet, if you guys had a financial problem or a health problem, all of you would EXPECT and WANT your GF to stand by you and help you.

    There is saying ‘Hard times will always reveal true friends’, so if a BF is not a true friend, then why does anyone need him?

    I am even disgust to read some guys response on here. Aren’t you embarrassed? Where is your pride being a man?

    1. 135.1
      Buffy the Baloney Slayer

      There is a difference between knowing someone a long time, and seeing them fall on hard times, and helping them…and knowing someone a short time, and enabling them while they are financially irresponsible.  The GF walked into her situation with her eyes wide open…this isn’t a physical problem, a family problem, or a sudden and unexpected job loss.  This is a woman who quit a job to go to school with no forethought.

      There is a BOTH…a woman can be feminine and responsible, and contribute financially in a relationship, or take care of herself.  It’s not mutually exclusive.

      I am watching my very feminine, stunning daughter plan her finances around her masters degree…she fully understands her living expenses, plus her tuition.  She has money saved to fall back on if unexpected expenses arise.  There is nothing masculine about thinking and planning; it’s not gender specific.  She doesn’t expect her boyfriend or her parents to bail her out if she fails.

      It’s a huge mistake to bail people out of poor financial decisions; unless you allow them to fail, they never learn and they will treat you like an ATM.  And it’s not gender specific; men do it to women as well.

      The answer here is to say, “Honey, I love you…let me help you manage your finances better, here is how to get a subsidized loan, or a federal grant; here are scholarships, I will help you apply.  And I will help fix your car.”  He is then a helpful and good friend, without being an enabler.

       

       

  16. 136
    Tamika Thompson-Burke

    So. No I can’t help you out, but yes-I still want to sleep with you? NEXT! I’m a go getter in life, that being said, if I fall on hard times and my dude couldn’t help me? Yeah, time to recruit a bench warmer. ..

    1. 136.1
      Neville

      The problem comes when you feel entitled. sex is not a bargain. Myself I wouldn’t consider it a bargaining chip since it is consensual. I don’t mind helping my girlfriend, or even friends. But when I realize that you feel entitled, that is the end.

      1. 136.1.1
        Tamika Thompson-Burke

        It isn’t about being entitled. If you’re in a relationship, couples help on another.  If my electricity is off, you’re not coming over to screw me in the dark! Naw, playa, I’m good. There are no free fucks. *Shrugs.  But, you do you.

  17. 137
    Neville

    I am in the same situation, although in my case, I work and am saving money to pay for my education. However, my ex girl and I were really close, and I’ve been there for here each time, bailing her out financially. I listen to her each time she has a problem. recently, my girlfriend started taking loans and asking me to help her repay. My ex is in really deep financial problems, which I wudn’t mind helping. However, I feel that both of them are entitled to me helping them out because I am supposed to be the man. I have thought through and thanks to the advice I read here, I am ending both relationships for good.

  18. 138
    Steve

    Let me preface my thoughts with this: Nobody is entitled to someone else’s hard earned money.

    I also hate it when people say, “it’s just money”. It’s not just money. That money represents the persons time and investment that it took to earn that money. Someone had to trade their valuable time, possibly away from family and friends, to earn it. Why do people feel that if a person makes more money than someone else then they have to “be generous” or else they’re evil and greedy? The truth is that we don’t know what charities they’ve given to or who they’ve helped in the past or maybe they’ve had their own struggles and never want to be there again. I think it’s very selfish of people who demand others to help just because they have more. I think the reason why a person with money may get upset with that mindset is because money represents the time that he or she had to trade for that money. So when people say “it’s just money” it communicates that their time/life isn’t important. And as I’m sure everyone is aware, it takes a person with money to employ other people. It’s NOT just money!

    Now with that being said, it doesn’t sound to me that Bob’s GF is a gold digger. Also, who has the right to say whether she planned things out perfectly or not? We don’t know her whole story nor do we need to. She is a single mother of three who is looking to better her life for her kids. Sure she could have saved more money before going back to school but seriously? She wants a better life for her kids now and she was willing to do something about it. There is no perfect scenario for her. She either sinks or swims. People may call it bad planning and not being organized but there are times in your life when you need to take a chance. If her car didn’t break down and she was able to finish school and land a great paying job everybody would be praising her for being so brave and strong and they would tell her to write a book or make a movie. Gag me! Her mortgage is $1000 per month! I don’t know where she lives but a $1000 mortgage is a lot cheaper than renting an apartment for four! Plus if she rents and misses a payment she can get evicted where if she owns she can maybe work things out with her lender. Where is the compassion from people?

    Was she being manipulative towards Bob by saying that her man should take care of her? Maybe or maybe not. Love is communicated/interpreted differently from person to person. Maybe for her she feels loved when she’s taken care of or supported. That’s no different than someone who feels loved when they receive gifts or affection or your time or praise or sex…etc.  I’ve been burned by a woman before too and much worse than what anyone else here has posted so I understand what Bob may be feeling but honestly I think he’s equally at fault here. He’s dating a mother of three who was driving a beater. Surely he could sense that she was struggling financially. Maybe Bob went after some low hanging fruit and now he’s required to invest more of himself. I’m of the opinion that if you really love the other person then you’re naturally going to want to help. Nobody with a heart is going to stand by just watching someone drown. If a person can help then they should want to out of the goodness of their heart but there are too many people with either a hurt or selfish heart but it should still be their choice. How can you say that you “love” someone without speaking their love language? Everyone is different.

    Has anyone even had the thought that maybe the GF is thinking ahead about the days that are coming where it will cost more money to raise her three kids so she needs to act now? Probably not. Maybe she’s more organized and planned than what she’s getting credit for. People want to stone this woman because of how they perceive poor people who live off the government. Let me ask you this. How many of you think it’s better to ask for help from your BF/GF vs. getting help from the government? Also, how many people on this blog have 18 months worth or emergency funds saved for themselves or are debt free? Obviously there are real gold diggers out there who need to be shut down but we live in a society where it’s frowned upon if a person needs help because of a few bad apples who take advantage of the system. We just automatically assume that they made bad choices and they deserve what they get. Where is all the compassion?

    Bob needs to get his shit together and decide what he wants. I’m sorry that you got burned in the past (I know from personal experience how much that hurts) but from the way you’re describing your story it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a real relationship. A real relationship comes with real problems. You either love her enough to help her suceed or you don’t and you move on.

     

  19. 139
    Jo

    I was in that woman’s position once and I couldn’t understand that the guy wouldn’t help me.

    Actually No. I DID understand that he wouldn’t help me, but we were also living in different cities and he would want me to visit him over the week-end when as a student that’s when I would normally do my part-time hours.  I don’t resent him from not helping me; it was my burden to carry and I did. But at the same time I think it was irrational of him to expect me to be there 100% when my head was always on my bill to pay and whether I’d be able to afford tuition the following semester. I thought it was too stressful to try to maintain a relationship whilst trying to make ends meet.I broke-up.

  20. 140
    Edmund McMaster

    man am glad i take the time off to read this article , this could open a blind man eyes because i went headlong into the same shit pit with women , i love the person that say you either pis or get off the pot that is a great statement as to say wise up man , but i want to be careful here this should not be a one sided situation it go for men as for women , but for my friend          i think he is afraid of high because he started worrying about falling he did’t have the string in him to believe in himself that he can make it in any situation that is not beyond his control,  i think that is a weakness on his path ok his girlfriend i think was pushing the envelope to far too quick and that was very hash on dealing with a situation so delicate that had the potential to be of great benefit to both of them , not very wise girl it is not that you did’t have good intention but the way you  approach it get your bf scare saying to himself what if you run out on him or maybe you had other intention not conducive  to his but the two of you could get together and explain oneself to each other . try again.

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