Why Certain Men Will Never Do Well With Women – And What You Can Learn From Them

I’ve got a great story that I want to share with you today.

Even though I bill myself as a dating coach for “smart, strong, successful women”, I still maintain a few male clients.

I enjoy working with guys because, when they’re motivated, they’re hardworking and highly coachable. Plus, the men who gravitate towards me are usually “nice guys” who just need a little bit of an edge to succeed wildly with women.

In other words, most of my men are the one you should be dating in real life – the kind that are open to learning and growth and are willing to spend thousands of dollars to learn how to better connect with women.

The guy who called me today is completely different – and I had such an interesting phone call with him that I wanted to share it with you.

“James” tells me that he’s 30 years old, living in Seattle, working in IT. He sounds like a bright guy. A little angry, perhaps, but I’m used to getting clients who aren’t too happy with the fact that they’re reaching out to a dating coach.

James tells me that after focusing on his career for most of his 20’s, he’s been dating intently for the past year.

And it’s been TERRIBLE.

There isn’t a woman in the world who’d enjoy going out with a man who believes that ALL women are fickle and unfair.

It seems that whenever he goes out with women, they’re all so SHALLOW.

They never want to TAKE THE TIME to get to know him as a human being.

They’re all looking for magical CHEMISTRY and trying to figure out within 5 minutes whether he’s their SOULMATE.

The women he wants IGNORE him online, DON’T RETURN his calls after dates, and generally seem to want the PERFECT man.

As a result, James HATES dating.

Now, between you and me, it doesn’t take a dating coach to diagnose what ails James. There isn’t a woman in the world who’d enjoy going out with a man who believes that ALL women are fickle and unfair.

Still, I sympathized with James on the phone. After all, this IS his dating experience. It’s real, not imagined. And it’s normal to feel frustration when you can’t solve a problem.

I asked James what he thought that I could do for him. He mumbled something about helping him meet women who were different than the women he’s been dating.

I couldn’t hold back any longer.

“I hate to tell you, my friend, but the problem isn’t with all the women in Seattle. And dating coaching isn’t telling you where the “quality” women hang out. After 12 weeks of coaching with me, you know who’s going to be the same? Women in Seattle. As such, the ONLY thing we can do is change how YOU’RE approaching dating. Does that make sense?”

James paused for a second, gritted his teeth, and said, “I don’t want to change very much. The problem isn’t with me – it’s with THEM. WOMEN are the problem. I’m asking you to help me find better ones. Are you telling me you can’t do that?”

“What I’m telling you, James, is that you’re the common denominator in your life. And, logically, since I can’t change Seattle, or women, or Match.com, or anything else, the greatest shift is going to come in how you approach women, how you understand women, how you flirt with women, how you connect with women. But it’s about YOU learning, and YOU changing. That’s what yields the best, most long-lasting results.”

I can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to understand, learn, and grow.

James and I aren’t going to be working together. And that’s fine by me. I can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to understand, learn, and grow.

And the not-so-subtle reason I shared this story with you is to ask you to reflect on whether you have anything in common with James.

Do you think dating is TERRIBLE?

Are you frustrated that men don’t take the time to get to know you?

Do you get bent out of shape when men IGNORE you online, DON’T FOLLOW UP after dates, and generally seem to want the PERFECT woman?

Do you think that, if only MEN changed, you’d be in a happy relationship by now?

If so, I hate to tell you, YOU are the one who needs to adjust. Just like James.

You’re not “wrong” that men could improve in 100 different ways. You’re mistaken in thinking that men are going to improve. Your job isn’t to CHANGE men.

It’s to become the kind of woman who UNDERSTANDS men, ATTRACTS men, KEEPS men happy, and CHOOSES good men. This is the key to a successful relationship.

And no, it’s no different than how James needs to learn to attract, understand, and connect with women in order to keep them happy. Until he does, all he’s going to do is complain about YOU, and how unfair you are to him.

In reading this blog, subscribing to my newsletter and http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/, you have a chance to learn something that will change your life.

The question isn’t whether this information can make a difference.

The question is whether you are going to be like James and continue to blame the opposite sex for everything.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Kansas

    LOL. I’ll walk side by side with a woman in a relationship. Let her and every one else know she is the only one. But There will be no bending over backwards. You either want a relationship, or sugar daddy, and I’m not intetested in surgar babies.

  2. 62
    Becca

    Great post! Nothing is more off-putting to me as when a man exhibits bitterness/distrust/entitlement toward womankind in general, and it’s even more damaging to the man when he does so online! I often baulk when my male friends post such status updates on Facebook, and also when I read online blogs with similar themes. I always think to myself “These kids are digging their own grave!” Suppose these men did actually attract this ‘Perfect’ woman they so desire (and believe they deserve). This lady will probably eventually read the blog, and scroll through the Facebook page, and see these comments. I’m certain this would result in this woman seriously questioning who she was getting involved with! I bet these are not men who will find their woman beautiful during pregnancy, and who will continue to love and respect her as she grows older. Of course the same is true for women, and I imagine it is very off-putting to detect bitterness and resentment in the way a woman speaks of men in general. Great article Evan! I hope many men heed your advice!!

    1. 62.1
      starthrower68

      One thing I’m learning as I spiritually mature, and it’s very freeing, is just to accept folks where there at.  By that, I don’t mean you must be romantically involved with them; I mean you accept them where they are, provided it’s not unhealthy or dangerous.  We’re all at different places on this journey and we all have our own race to run.  I still don’t know if I ever want to be in a relationship or not, but I have learned a lot as a result of paying attention to what Evan has to say.  I was quite naive until I stumbled upon his blog.  We don’t have to see eye to eye on every exact thing to benefit from one another’s wisdom and insight.

  3. 63
    RustyLH

    “You’re not “wrong” that men could improve in 100 different ways. You’re mistaken in thinking that men are going to improve. Your job isn’t to CHANGE men.

    It’s to become the kind of woman who UNDERSTANDS men, ATTRACTS men, KEEPS men happy, and CHOOSES good men. This is the key to a successful relationship.”

    I think this is why I tend to enjoy time with younger women instead of women more in my target range. With women in my target range, a date often feels more like a job interview, and may men I know have expressed these same sentiments. But Evan is right…I can’t make women in my target range change to be a woman I want to be with. And yet I am at a loss as to what I can change to make this better for me, because it isn’t that I am not attracting women in that range, it’s that I don’t like what I am finding.” I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel I am always going to be the default person who is to blame for everything. Always the bad guy. Sometimes it feels like the more you try to be the good guy, the more you get blamed for what’s wrong.

    1. 63.1
      starthrower68

      Another thing I have learned is people are going to be who they are. Extend grace even if it’s not reciprocated. Sometimes we do the right thing for no other reason than it’s right.  Doesn’t mean you have to stay involved with the person who mistreated you.  But one catches more flies with honey than with vinegar.  That’s no less than Evan encourages women to do.  He just sprinkles his message with a lot more grace.

  4. 64
    Nasty Nate

    I would hate to agree with James in the story, but women nowadays are very shallow! I’ve played the dating field for a little over 2 decades, & women nowadays, even the ones that are from my generation & were not shallow 10-15yrs ago, have become very shallow. More then likely it is because of how society has shifted its thought process on dating in general, that women also have become more independent then 20 plus years ago, & well media has put a lot of ideas in our heads too. I know I will get a lot of flack for what I am saying, but it will be because what I state is fact, & no one women or men, like hearing the truth. See women are looking for their prince charming that will sweep them off their feet, take care of them & their kids from different men, or just be the perfect mate, tall, dark & handsome. This is how more & more women see dating nowadays, you see it online dating all the time! Women making states like “I won’t settle for anything less then the best!” Or “I am looking for the perfect man that is not only cute, tall, & has a career but also is funny!” Etc etc etc & the majority of the women do this. When my parents were dating & their generation was coming of age, height/status/looks were not the focal point like today. Sure they women wanted to date someone cute but if he worked at the local burger joint & was 5’6″ & rode his bike everywhere, long as he made them feel special at that moment & made her laugh, everything else was perfect for her. Not any longer, the man could be 5’8″ a tad chubby & make $25,000 a yr, has a workable car, & could be the funniest sweetest man around but he is not datable to most be cause he is not of 6′ or he is not in shape enough, or he isn’t making enough money to support her! These are facts that occur in online dating nowadays! It has happened to me, my friends, some family, & it is sad & pathetic that most women are becoming the men they so hated 20 plus years ago. You know ladies, the men you’d complain about to your friends that only wants to date sexy women that put out on the first date! I mainly blame shows like sex in the city & media for the way most women have become. Hell it has gotten so bad, most women will not date a man that has custody of his children but wants men to date her & accept her children, double standards! I am one of those men that is only 5’6″, I make $40,00-$50,000 a yr, am a little chubby but trying to get into shape, & have full custody of my children, yet once women see men in person & find out that I do have full custody of my kids, most never talk to me again because either I’m too short for them tho I am taller then they are or they don’t want to have to be apart of other kids lives full time when they have their own to worry about, even tho I would accept their children. These are facts I am stating, because these things have happened, & I cannot change my height or would never give up my children for any woman. Maybe it is women that do need to change, see that once they cross 40yrs old most men don’t want them anyway, so they better start “settling” more & seeing thru the minor details & start looking at that person for who they are not what they have to offer or look like!

  5. 65
    Peter Vujin

    It is, after all, simple, really. Divide and conquer. That is what has happened, except this time the people have been duped in their personal life. Who benefits? The pyramidion…think about it…women have become worse than men…men have never been good…how can a good society come out of this? Aha – so now you know – all this is an aspect of depopulation and other social programming, while you are worried about paying your bills, some are worried about paying your pensions, so as they see you as human cattle, they would rather you hate each other than actually love each other and form a strong community. THAT they are afraid of – everything else they can influence, change, profit from…;) ps. Don’t give in – refuse to conform – be your own selves – forget the rest.

  6. 66
    B

    So what’s a guy to do when he goes on a lot of first dates and there’s lots of smiling and laughter? Yet gets told repeatedly there’s “no connection” or “no chemistry”? I’ve tried to change. Be a little more flirty. Not so attentive. I don’t ask dumb things like “how is this going” when we are on the date. I’m not bad looking not great looking but I am very thin. It’s my body frame and I’ve tried to work on it by working out but there is only so much I can do with it. Many of the same women have dating horror stories or boyfriend horror stories yet do not give me a second chance. Including one who kissed me for fifteen straight minutes after the date and told me I was “cute, charming, smart and funny” but that knew we would “never kiss again.” My point being that I have made a conscious effort to change what I can. I am attentive to women as individuals. The only times I have had someone call me back is when I showed frustration because they did something really outlandish. By outlandish, trust me, every woman I told agreed, it is just too lengthy to post the stories here. Bottom line. I have tried to change and I treat women with respect and I get the “great guy, no chemistry” line more than you can probably imagine. So what’s a guy to do when he has tried to change, when in spite of being disillusioned he tries to treat women as individuals, yet they still fundamentally act the same toward him? I have dated women of all different backgrounds and shapes and sizes. If we meet online, obviously they liked the picture enough to go out. Then in some cases they liked me enough to stay on the date for several hours laughing and talking. Then they make an excuse to not see me again. I’m sorry but when I have already made more conscious efforts to do things differently than I can count, I can only include many women are indeed the same when it comes to evaluating men. I now avoid anyone who has a bad relationship history with men if I can screen that out before meeting. In other words, cheating or abuse. I seem to do poorly with those kinds of women particularly. Hopefully screening that way helps because it is all I have left.

  7. 67
    Hockster

    So, basically, no one is helping or guiding James with what could be a wider issue than dating problems.  He’s just to be used as an example of the kind of guy not to be.  What happens when he becomes frustrated with his life to the point where it’s no longer bearable?  Society is so narrow-minded these days.

  8. 68
    Sebastian

    This is a allover Western World phenomenon. Why there are differences in culture that vary and being oblivious of them could short cut a date to an early and unsatisfying end, the dating experience above is the same. Evan, your article had a lot of potential you let slip. This feeling and this experience of women, who behave like kids and expect a man to perform while out on a date with him is exactly what I had the last dozen dates in Germany and guess what? I had this feeling of dating sucks. I continued and changed my approach only with the same results and sometimes there is a second date and some kissing. That’s it.

    There are a lot of guys like James, by I script him differently, what about if he tells you he wants to submit anything to change, but being honest he does not know if can do so well. Because you are still suposed to be yourself and not pretend to be some phony persona you are not. So this would be interesting, instead of pointing out that James sucks forever. He might conclude to submit himself to change in a while. How about that? It’s a lazy story. Pity!

  9. 69
    Ron

    To Jennifer  #49,  Grow up already.
     

  10. 70
    Jenny Ravelo

    He probably knows he’s the problem, but recognizing it threatens him because he’d have to face many of his own defects. This is true for so many people. 

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