Why Would a Guy Act Like He Likes Me if He Doesn’t Want to Take Me Out Again?

Hi Evan.

I’m 30 years old, European, attractive, tall girl. I have a strange situation. The same scenario happened to me at least 5 times in the last few months. I go on a first date and I can tell for sure that a guy is interested in me. He invites me for drinks after we had dinner and he makes plans for our future dates by saying “I should take you to this great restaurant or we should go to see this play…” And then I never hear back from him. My guy friends say that I just intimidate men or that I just meet the wrong guys and all they want is just sex. What do you think?

Thanks,

Alena

Thanks for the transcontinental note, Alena. Although I’ve answered this question before, it’s still a timeless one.

You have fallen victim to the most common mistake women make in dating. It’s the hardest message to hear, so please don’t shoot the messenger.

Mistake #10: Thinking That Your Great Date Actually Meant Something

Have you ever had a man say how much he likes you, how sexy you are, and how he’s serious about finding a long-term relationship? Ever have an amazing date where the chemistry was great, the conversation flowed, and you hooked up with him afterwards?

Have you ever had a man do all of these things and then NOT call?

No, you’re not crazy or delusional.

Your mistake is thinking that what a man says on a date actually means something. It doesn’t. It means he’s being in the moment. So don’t put too much weight on a great date. The only way you can tell how a man REALLY feels about you is by how quickly he follows up for another date.

I walked her to her car and we made out for ten minutes, standing on the street. I never heard from her again. 

One of the first JDates I ever went on was back in probably 1999. She was a doctor, went to Harvard, came from a similar East Coast family. We went out for drinks at a local hotel bar and stayed out until the place closed at 2. I walked her to her car and we made out for ten minutes, standing on the street.

I never heard from her again.

What does this MEAN?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing….

It means that you have no idea what’s going through the head of your date and you’re never going to have an idea what’s going through the head of your date, so stop trying to figure out what’s going through the head of your date.

Maybe he had a better date the next night.

Maybe he got slammed at work.

Maybe he started talking with his ex-girlfriend.

Maybe you were the one-night rebound girl.

Maybe he had too much alcohol and kissed you even though he wasn’t that attracted to you.

Maybe he just wanted sex.

Maybe he was intimidated.

It doesn’t matter. The end result is the same: if he wanted to see you again, he’d have seen you again. Since he didn’t, lick your wounds and move on. This is the dating process. People come and go, and they usually don’t leave hand-written letters explaining their motives. And while you can complain (and many readers have), it doesn’t make a bit of a difference.

True power DOESN’T come from saying, “Men SHOULD call after a great first date”. True power comes from saying, “Men sometimes DON’T call after great first date. How am I going to adapt to that fact?”

True power DOESN’T come from saying, “Men SHOULD call after a great first date”. True power comes from saying, “Men sometimes DON’T call after great first date. How am I going to adapt to that fact?”

And to me, the healthiest way to deal with it is to accept the concept that dating is a flawed medium fraught with emotions, baggage, luck and timing, all of which conspire to prevent two people from coming together. Instead of getting upset and placing blame, your best move is to literally expect NOTHING from ANYONE until you’re in a COMMITTED relationship. Everything before that, both parties are still feeling each other out, considering other options, making decisions, and holding back a little something. So why let down your guard and take a metaphorical kick in the stomach every time you have a good date?

Next time you have a fun date, be happy if he does call, and not terribly surprised or hurt if he doesn’t. And if http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/, give me a buzz. This is one of the most important and impactful ways in which I help my women clients learn to date more effectively.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Noel

    I like Maria & hunters posts – great advice! I recently went on a date w a guy. He pursued me, we had a great time & then, he was abducted by aliens??? Well, I’m not real sure what happened to him. At first i was upset, sad, wondered if I did or said something. Looking back, he always seemed happy, he followed up afterwards unprompted. I mean there were only good, positive signs the whole time. I did have a wonderful time with him & I was really thrown by his interest & then abrupt disappearance. But I’m going to let it go now because of this blog! Very helpful & some of the comments have made me feel so much better. Thanks Evan, Maria & Hunter. :)

  2. 92
    LeahC

    Wow! Just joined this conversation! More info to add… Chew on this. I’m divorced 2 little boys, own my own business. Live in small town. My ex husband did everything in a marriage to kill it that he possibly could including almost leaving me for dead. I have been dating around for 3 yrs. I am seeing a counselor so she can help me make sense out of all this. I’m a very strong girl and I’m even able to laugh about the situation now. About a yr. ago I met a man who knocked my socks off. We were set up on a blind date. He does not live in the same town as me but I iWork in his town on a regular basis. He is from my home town but rarely gets here because he’s a surgeon with 4 practices.  Everything went swimmingly on the first date… He asked my friend or my number. Called 3 days later. We tried to make plans for the future. Couldn’t connect due to my son being sick. He called again and I couldn’t make it into town. So the next time I was there… I texted him and we were able to meet for drinks… He dove into asking me about my divorce. So I asked him how long he had been divorced.. he said he had been separated for 8 yrs. she lives in another state… After the date he offered to fly down and take me to my cousins wedding… I declined because my whole entire family was going to be there and he would have had an encounter with meeting my sons… Yikes. Too early!?

    The next time I was in town… I let him know. Immediately received a phone call from him… Making plans… At the end of the date… We made plans for Thanksgiving… He ended up canceling because his teenagedaughter was coming to stay with him. Over the holiday he texted me. But I didn’t bother him… He said sorry about canceling.. That we’d make plans again soon… I said.. Just call me. 2 mos. past without a word on either end and then he came to town and asked me to go out wit him and his siblings… It went great. Then he called me on my birthday.  He asked when Iwas coming in again so we made plans….saw each other. BUT then… The shift…. No contact for 4 months.. Then I got weak when I was talked into contacting him by the friend who set us up.  he immediately called me and made plans to see me…long story made short…. He said he would like me to contact him when I come to town… I gave it three more try’s and then received a text telling me he had been seeing someone for past couple weeks And I quote, “May not last long, though…wanted to b honest” I sent a farewell text…” Sorry to bother. I understand. Good luck. Bye for now.” After that… I deleted him out of my contacts…not because I’m viscious but because I need to forget him… This sucks because I’ve had a crush on him since I was in 7th grade…  So what is your advice if he comes back around? Please keep in mind… I’m not bitter. I’m pretty smart as to what’s going on. My friend who set us up who has been around us says it just doesn’t make sense… He’s not a bad person.. I just think our timing was wrong. And keep in mind… I was seeing 3 other guys at the same time because I was not going to put all my eggs in one basket.. Please comment and im sorry bout the long boring deets.

  3. 93
    LeahC

    And to comment on the whole “coming back around” thing… Ive recently had a college boyfriend from 15 yrs. ago come back around.  I know Evan says they won’t if they disappear… But I think it depends on how it was left… If the man doesn’t say anything and doesn’t reply to your text/ calls/ emails… Then that’s grounds for dismissal. Move on. If you are able to draw a different conclusion And exit in a classy non threatening way…I think he may call again. BUT LEAVE HIM ALONE! If you keep calling him, you look desparate and hurt. If you act like its no big deal… Then you appear confident, like you have an Ace up your sleeve and that he didn’t get under your skin… Meanwhile… It’s getting under his because he can’t figure out why you were so cool and didn’t react psychotically like the ones who came before you. Food for thought, ladies!

  4. 94
    marymary

    Leah
    beware of taking men back who have been flaky or not treated you well. Either they treat you even worse because they realise you forgive anything, or you don’t respect them or yourself because in the back of your mind you’re thinking, I put up with x and waited y FOR THIS?  Are they really that special that they deserve a second, third or whatever chance? Not many people are that special. Not even me. And If he was that special I hazard it would have worked out first time round.
    and be careful you haven’t built up these people in your mind during their absences. Fantasy is compelling but it’s the real real person you deal with.
    if he comes back, in your position I would give him a good ignoring.. Nor would I initiate contact. I’ve been on this merry go round more times than I care to remember. total waste of time and I’m sure the men would agree.

  5. 95
    Joe

    Why the heck are you fired up about a guy who kept his options open…when you were doing the same thing?

  6. 96
    LeahC

    MaryMary- not going to initiate contact ever again. No worries there. Don’t have his number anymore

    Joe- lost in translate, man! I’m not fired up.Especially since I’ve never been this excited about a man in a long time. I’m not a doormat. I’m just more tolerable of some situations. I’ve done the marriage thing and I’m no where near doing it again… Maybe never. I just want to have fun with someone I have things in common with. He seemed to fit the bill. There is info I’m not going to bore u with but a little background .. Unlike me… He just got divorced… And there’s an ex girlfriend that I know who was waiting to get her claws in him once he was free… Her personality is a little different than mine. She’s a money grubbing hardcore bitty. They’ve had rounds since high school and it has never worked.  The ex wife was psychotic… So I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because of the information I know. If I didn’t know any of this I would be saying, EFF U and the horse u rode in on!  

  7. 97
    judy

    He could also be just plain emotionally unavailable.  There are people like that.  (Or…….they put work or other family obligations first).  Nothing wrong with that, unless you want a relationship where you put some effort into it, as in emotional availability..

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