Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do?

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do? Dear Evan,

Why don’t men hate being single as much as women do? I know you say most men are marriage-minded underneath but they seem much less interested in getting into a stable, committed relationship than women do, and seem to drag their heels.

Some of the things I hate about being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of quality sex available.

Surely these things apply to men just as much as women? If this is the case, why aren’t men jumping up and down with excitement when they meet someone they connect with, like we are? Why aren’t they just as keen as we are to know “where things are going” early on in the relationship? A lot of men my age seem uninterested in a committed relationship, seeming to prefer a more casual “low investment, low return” approach to relationships. Do men actually ENJOY the endless tedium and stress of going on a string of disappointing dates? Or does it all simply come down to the capriciousness of the female orgasm – since men can have an orgasm with practically anyone, they don’t much care who they’re with, whereas if a woman finds someone who’s actually good in bed she’s desperate to hang on to him?! Your insights would be much appreciated.  -Elaine

Dear Elaine,

Love. This. Question.

I particularly love your list of what sucks about being single. As a guy who was single for 35 years, I completely agree and think that – all things remaining equal – having a good relationship is a far superior state of being than being alone.

(This does not mean that I look down on single people or think you should be in an unsatisfying relationship so, please, spare me the complaints.)

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

But what gets me the most excited, Elaine, is that you’ve forced me to consider something that I’ve never actually considered before:

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much as Women Do?

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

Funny, but probably not the entire picture.

So, together, let’s consider why men are generally cooler with being single than women:

1. Low investment, low return. As I observed in “Why He Disappeared”, this tends to be the way that men deal with most of their relationships. When a man hangs out with another man, he’ll watch sports, play poker, talk trash, grab a few drinks, and maybe talk about whether he’s hooking up. This takes care of most of a man’s basic needs – for companionship, for laughs, for fun.

Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

As I look at that list, it occurs to me that most of my clients who are perfectly content being single are satisfied with their female friendships. My mom, for example: she volunteers at the hospital, she tap dances in the musical at her clubhouse, she plays canasta with the girls twice a week, she does Sudoku in her garden, she’s on the party-planning committee… and while she misses a travel companion, movie companion and regular sex, life is pretty much okay as it is.

I just think there are more men than women who are okay with low-investment, low-return, that’s all. Which brings us to…

2. Self-definition. Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

This is unfortunate and short-sighted because nobody dies thinking that he wishes he had a 72” Sony instead of a 64” Vizio. But hey, that’s men.

Women, who are, in general, more emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their relationships. So when they lack a partner, they’ll be disproportionately sadder than men, who just bury themselves in more work and (sometimes) play.

Then again, many of my smart, strong, successful clients also bury themselves in their work for a decade, and emerge from their cocoon of success and travel, only to learn that they’re really, really lonely. I can only imagine there are millions of women who haven’t contacted me who continue to immerse themselves in that worldview that success and accomplishment matters more than love. Which brings us to…

3. Communication styles. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: men need more help; women ask for more help. And nowhere is that clearer than in the realm of relationships.

A few thoughts off the top of my head:

• Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men. I remember reading somewhere that it was about 1 in 6 women vs. 1 in 48 men.

• 90% of the self-help market in bookstores is for women. Seriously, apart from “The Game” have you ever seen a relationship book for men that’s sold in airport bookstores?

• Women maintain closer friendships throughout life. My mom talks to her best friend every day. She has friends who talk to their daughters every day. I’m as sensitive as they come and I talk to my best friends in New York about once a month.

In other words, even if men feel the emotional need to connect, they rarely reach out to do so – with each other, with their families, and with you.

Women talk about their feelings with much greater frequency and intensity, further feeding the perception/reality that they care more about relationships.

4. Sex – Perhaps Charlie Sheen said it best, years ago, when talking about his predilection for prostitutes: “I don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to leave.”

There are a decent number of men out there who don’t really desire the same kind of relationship as you do. Their needs are met by their male friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

You can tell who these men are because when they’re not with you, you don’t exist. They’ll call you once a week to hook up and that’s all. These guys play on their terms, not yours and are a total waste of time to any woman trying to forge something real and lasting. It’s like trying to teach a fish to ride a bicycle. In my experience, there are very few women who treat men as if they’re good for nothing but sex.

So yeah, a man’s ability to separate sex and love is another valid reason he’s not terribly upset when he’s single.

The last thing men want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

5. Expectations about relationships. I think this is the most important point of all. Women expect their relationships to be transcendent. They expect the man to illuminate and inspire. You remember “Eat, Pray, Love,” right? “You don’t need a man. You need a champion.”

Guys don’t work that way. We want someone who is attractive, who doesn’t criticize us or tell us how much we need to change, who we can spend lots of time with without getting bored, who we can bring around our friends and families with minimal incident.

You don’t have to play fantasy football.
You don’t have to make six figures.
You don’t have to have washboard abs.
You don’t have to have an M.B.A.
You don’t have to be spiritual.

As a result, most men can date lots of women.

Women – at least my clients – can only date .0001% of men.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her follow-up to “Eat, Pray, Love,” called “Committed”, explores these outlandish expectations that Western women have for love – which are nothing like what women in other cultures experience. As a result, Western women are very disappointed in their men, whereas men aren’t nearly as disappointed in women.

In other words, we think you’re fine as you are.

We just hate the fact that you need us to change so much.

As a result of all of these biological and societal observations about men, it shouldn’t be too surprising that there are no Time Magazine cover stories or best-selling books about desperate men.

We can separate sex and love, we define ourselves by our work, we don’t lack dating options, we get 95% of our needs met without female companionship, and we don’t talk about relationships nearly as much.

If there’s anything I missed, please let me know. Guys, please chime in here. Why are you okay not being in a relationship – and how is this different than the women you know?

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Comments:

  1. 841
    Jack

    Almost 3 years since I caught my ex cheating, and divorced now for 2 years. I like my mid-50’s single life better than my former married life, period. I feel better suited to solo living, actually. It was hard to be solo, at first, after 25 years of marriage, but I healed and got to this point. At my age the drive for procreation has waned, although I’m healthy and active. I like women, want to be with them, but not all the time. I think I now feel the same way women feel about men—take ’em or leave ’em  -funny how time and experience have changed me. When dating, now, I’m just not really buying into the tired idea that the woman is more special than me, and I’m to treat her as such, while also never forgetting my place as the lowly suitor and payer–what a load of horse…. I appreciate and want attention from women, like any man does, but don’t really see the point anymore past light dating. I like to have a “high-school girlfriend” type of fun situation, while we both go back to our own places after every date. I’ve done the children, the house, and the young dreams of new love and bright futures.

  2. 842
    TheCRIBisCLEAN

    Sad to say it but Evan seems to be correct. A lot of men don’t BELIEVE they need a woman for anything more than her private parts. It’s a bitter pill to swallow ladies but there are many many many men who behave this way.  Not all, but lots of them do.
    So what does a woman (who wants to be in a fulfilling relationship) do? Well, here’s what I do…I chill out! Yup that’s what I do. I remind myself not to worry about meeting someone. I try to fill my time with work, family staying healthy and other hobbies.  I don’t make an effort to meet a man. If one comes along…cool if not, that’s cool too. It’s not easy when you think everyone else is happy in a relationship but that’s not ever the case. Relationships are hard and it takes TWO people to make them work.

    Furthermore ladies, we have to retrain our brains. We don’t need men either. It would be nice to have a man; but we don’t need them. We don’t need to be a good cook, spit shine cleaning, ego stroking machine. Guard your hearts ladies!!!! Don’t give these bums the “time of day”. Like I said, it would be nice to have a dude in your life but don’t make it the end all be all to life.

    Also, enjoy the eye candy ladies….and that’s it. If you see a fine looking dude, enjoy the view then keep it movin. It’s nice to see a nice looking guy and be free to not have to cook for him, clean up after him or listen to him complain about his job, belch, or whatever else guys do that are annoying. He doesn’t live with you and he’s not your problem. Men can be big big babies…think about it ladies…do you REALLY want to take on all that responsibility.  It takes a long time for men to become grownups. Most men don’t mature fully until age 43 approximately. Enjoy your time alone because once you do meet the right guy that’s it…no more fun single life…here comes the life of eternal compromise (of your time, your home decor, your meals, your body, etc etc).

    So, I’ve been married for 17+ years and now divorced/single for 4 years. I am happy to be free. I would like to met a nice dude. With that said…even if I never met Mr.Right im cool, im good because I’d rather be alone than be with some half azz, passive aggressive jerk that doesn’t want to actively do his part in making a relationship fulfilling.

    1. 842.1
      Anonymous

      Well what else do you have to offer to the table then just beside your vagina?

      One of reason why I’ve opted out is because many modern women have nothing to offer to the table, & expect us men to pick up the slack—can’t cook, can’t clean, can’t act like women.  Many don’t know how to take care of a man, & you’re surprised why men don’t want to get married?

       

  3. 843
    pris

    I am a female of 45.  After reading the articles about what men want and women want in relationships and the men saying that unattractive men are more likely to be married.  I believe this to be true.

    I am very attractive.  If i were seeking a male i would prefer a stable man who is who is loyal, kind etc compared to a man who is drop-dead gorgeous and busy with other things seeking a shallow type girlfriend; working hard to get away from the fact that he is not stable or manly enough to seek true love with a female.  The unattractive man would seek to work with me and love me for who i am and would marry me for me.  He wouldn’t have a problem going to counselling and deciding to change something in order for us to stay together.  It would be a mutual thing as i would change in order to stay with him as well.

    Being an attractive female wouldn’t make me feel that i should want to date (gorgeous) dozens of men but i would want to be settled with one person even if he should be unattractive.  Forget the drop-dead gorgeous ones.  If it is hard to meet a gorgeous stable one I would prefer someone not so gorgeous.  Anyway, the gorgeous ones tend to be shallow and not stable.

     

     

  4. 844
    Lucy

    The truth is..

    No one likes to be alone. I have a friend who is 35, he’s very successful, has his own business, his two story, two car garage, beautiful home. He has 2 vehicles, the freedom to go anywhere. Happy no? At the end of the night, he goes home to an empty pillow. But, he had not found the one, he had not found value in any woman he was dating. He had not found that one woman who was…..Relaxed with her emotions, and self confidence. A woman who could just be happy….In the moment. And value those moments without asking or….Demanding, or criticising.  A truly, *greatful*, woman.

    Women…..And I am a woman. We don’t realize that we kill the exitement by demanding, by pursuing, asking, wanting, instead of just….Being.

    When I married my ex 15 years ago, he pursued me with such a passion. Why? I was happy being alone. I didn’t show any….Needy behaviors…When I was with him. And, I had just lost a great job, and I had lost my new car, I couldn’t afford payments any longer. But…I wasn’t whining about any of it. I knew good would come my way. I was happy, going out meeting new people, going sailing. He felt that joy. Who doesn’t want to be near joy?

    Focus on you…On your passions, something that shifts your energy to a higher vibration. Then watch men….Flock to be near you. My ex was a 6’3 tall, green eyed, passionate Soldier. He could have had…Anyone. But, I was joy.

     

    Men want joy. So…Let’s not label. Men simply know what they want. They are patient. They look for it. They wait. They wait for that soft spot to arrive. Men will give up the thrown…..For the woman that inspires them. Be an inspiration for yourself, and you won’t have to question this anymore. You will have a list of men coming your way.

     

    Good quality men.

  5. 845
    Persephone

    I am looking forward to reading all the comments here, instead of the few I have just now read. Interesting subject.  I have to decide whether I want to remarry, also, with my divorce still being fresh.  It probably hinges on finding the coveted needle in a haystack–the right one.

    My ex-husband is like many men I know, in that he wanted a built-in support system of having a wife, when there isn’t much else to personally define himself with.  It’s not that he is a loser–but rather it’s that he came from a different and less materialistic culture that values family.  My ex had unrealistic expectations of what I was capable of when having to work very hard at my job.  If he had done more to improve his employment situation I could have met those expectations by taking on less responsibility, but he didn’t understand the idea off giving a little to get a little. He wanted to pick some things out of his culture that benefited him, and the things out of American culture that also benefited him, while making it confusing and impossible for me to understand what his expectations of me were.  I don’t think he knew what his own expectations of me were, so he yelled a LOT.

    In my part of the world (the South) it is still expected of women to be the head of household details, with the majority of responsibility for meals and cleaning, laundry, etc; but at the same time pulling her “fair share” of the workload on earning an income outside the home.  The courts understandably  take the role that it is fair for a women to have less earning capacity if she backs off from the career, to take on the responsibilities of taking care of the home and raising children, but men often forget this, and I read complaints in this thread about a “one-sided court.”  The father’s rights groups have tried to stop the court from making these considerations.

    The confusion over traditional roles versus being in the workforce is still a problem imposed on women, and we women are smart enough to see it, therefor I know many women that don’t want to play this game anymore. The father’s rights groups have made marriage and the riskiness associated with divorce a losing proposition for both men and women. They are the source of unfair criticism of  “feminism” and misogynist rhetoric.  The men leading these groups appear to be emotionally abusive and narcissistic, and fail to take responsibility themselves for the emotional abuse they piled onto their ex wives, preferring to blame “feminism”.   Therefor women looking for alternative arrangements to having children, other than the traditional marriage. It’s only a losing proposition for women.  If a woman has any wealth, she better sign a pre-nup, because the man wants it all for himself and then wants to divorce the woman leaving her destitute as a form of revenge.  He can usually afford a better lawyer. I see it happening a lot in divorce court. (I am a lawyer, and BTW I represent more men than I do women, and neither gender has a monopoly on rotten people.)

    Now my ex is alone and desperately unhappy being single.  He didn’t grow up in the North America/U.S.A. culture. He wasn’t taught to identify with his job, or with material possessions and party buddies.  He is having a difficult time letting go of me emotionally, and he is lonely.  He is desperate to get in another relationship, and I feel sorry for him. But then he doesn’t fill his life chasing after petty material goods or creating an “Image” of himself to all  his buddies.

    I have read a lot that men fall in love more quickly than women, but run from the idea of being in love, because in our Western Society it has become risky for both genders.  My personal anecdotal evidence backs that up.  The “experts” claim things that are the exact opposite of what I see Evan saying, which is that women are happier being married and men happier being single.  I personally feel the so-called “experts” are correct on this, and that  Evan is wrong about this for certain classes of men.  It depends on the value system and upbringing of the men.  The more materialistic the local culture of these particular men is, the more Evan’s assessment is true.  The less materialistic the men are, the more they value marriage.

    The problems listed in the article above are first world affluent culture problems of a materialistic society.

     

     

  6. 846
    MilkyMae

    I know a bunch happy single people.  They could be in a relationship if they wanted but they love the freedom of being single and would never compromise their independence.  They get flowers and cards from girlfriends.  Yet despite the stoic exterior, almost all go into hibernation around Valentines Day. It makes me wonder.

  7. 847
    Anonymous

    Easy.

    Today’s modern women (mainly Westernized women) in general suck.  Many are entitled, selfish, narcissistic, self-centered, too high maintenance, have unrealistic expectations, offer very little to the table, & have been brainwashed by the leftist Feminist propaganda to the point  some even act like MEN!  No man wants to be with a masculine woman or “alpha female” (being an alpha is OUR job!).  They are told by the feminists professors they “don’t need a man” & that they are “equal to men”, so they believe it, & during their late teens & 20s they ride the cock carousel & engage in promiscuous behavior

    Then by the time these women’s biological clocks start ticking, they start to freak out because they want to have kids & can’t find a man.  The irony is that these same women turned down many good men during their younger years who could have been potential good fathers & husbands.  Some of these guys were the social outcasts, loners, geeks, point dexters, & nerds during high school.

    Women become more unhappy as they get older when they are single because the good men want nothing to do with them, because good men don’t want women who don’t act like women.

  8. 848
    Deidre Wolf

    Mean are from Mars and women are from Venus. Just reading all these comments prove that men and women are and always will be on different planets. Successful and meaningful   relationships will forever be a near impossibility. We speak different languages.. I only wish the rest of the world accepted this forgone conclusion. Men and women are only meant to procreate, and have sex , It all comes down to physiology . It’s  the only reason we were created.  We have the misfortune of a brain which  separates us from the rest of the  animal kingdom who use those drives without thinking. With them it’s pure instinct and nothing more. Sad for us We try so hard for an impossibility. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and never the twain shall meet.

    Deidre a forever single female

     

     

  9. 849
    Alice P

    I think Evan theories makes a lot of sense. My mom also has the same views as Evan regarding why men don’t hate being single as much as women. She taught me to be ambitious and place less importance on relationships, because nobody could take away your personal achievements and success, while relationships could end. Basically she encourages me to think more like the men. As Evan explained in his article “Do You Need a Man to Make More Money Than You”, men are free to choose whomever they want because they are not looking at their wives to support them, as they can support themselves. But then at the same time my parents also believe that my future husband should be better than me in many if not all aspects, e.g. education, income, social status, etc. They believe that if a guy marries a woman with similar caliber, he is marrying up. Therefore, although I can support myself, I should choose someone who is smarter, richer, taller, stronger, etc. My dad even insists that my future husband should make as least as much money as me, even though he makes less than my mom. He’s idea is: you make 200k, you marry a guy who makes 200k, then you have 400k. Why marry a guy who makes 100k? His idea seems to be that if I make 200k, I can for sure get a guy who makes at least 200k, which is clearly not true as Evan explained. It just boggles my mind that my parents have these double standards and illogical opinions.

    1. 849.1
      Persephone

      Yes, they are illogical. But then so is the entire idea of Patriarchy.  We in a “western society” have Patriarchy so ingrained into our brains that we think it is “natural.”  It is not. We are collectively brainwashed, except those few of us who have freed our minds.    I am seeing a man 18 years younger than me, and it’s the best relationship I have ever had in my life.  He is not from our culture.

      Other things that go with silly Patriarchal ideas is that the man “has to be” 2 years older than the woman. I don’t understand the logic behind this Patriarchal mind-set, but I understand where it comes from. It is meant to perpetuate patriarchy. I know I am going to be called a “libtard” for saying that.   Patriarchy or male dominance is clearly seen in the fact that positions of authority are generally held by men or even reserved for men only. The ideas that Alice P’s parents have about a proper marriage partner are meant to perpetuate male dominance.

      I believe that ideas of how “things are supposed to be” gives us unrealistic expectations, making us less happy.  

  10. 850
    Amber Gardner

    So men have no use for women anymore other than a one nighter.  Not even for family.  Sounds like American culture.  There is no love anymore.  Men love that money and always projecting that love onto women.  Very deep disrespect for women in this country.  Men always put that self first and foremost at the expense of…women.

    1. 850.1
      TP

      Women wanted equality. You got it!! If it does not fit our needs, then we simply search for what does. We expect no different from you. If it doesn’t fit your needs, then you need to move on also. It is why we see the USA intelligence quotations declining.  There is no reason for us to engage in any type of relationship that does not provide benefit to us. Whether business or personal, it simply means that if we can not find a mate that fits our needs from all aspects, you simply use what is there and move on. As for love….love is a caring and committed act. With cheating on the rise with women, love is no longer an option. And after working a considerable part of our lives to acquire that “money” you speak of…..I think we would like to keep what we have worked for. Lawyers are not part of the deal and neither are our bank accounts.

      1. 850.1.1
        Amber Gardner

        My comment has nothing to with equality.  My comment has to do with respect and thinking of the welfare of others besides JUST yourself.  Nor did I mention money.  That was solely you, man.

        1. Amber Gardner

          Ok, I did mention money.  Women work for theirs equally as hard.

      2. 850.1.2
        Amber Gardner

        So you’re saying the only way a woman can avoid being used and tossed to the side is by forcing men into relationships by oppressing women?  Men are only willing if by force?  Everything must be by force, forcing oppression on women, forcing men into relationships.  Sounds like men and women were never meant to be according to that theory.  But I know God did not make it like that.  Really sad world.

  11. 851
    Persephone

    Teepee how is being disrespectful a part of equality? What you describe  sounds like men working hard to keep women not equal.

  12. 852
    TP

    Do yo call the current level of feminism “equality”?? As for money, consider the current parameters of divorce and the one sided judgments in divorce courts. Do you consider that the majority of courts give the children to the women even if she is not the best parent to do the job? Do you consider that the quality of a man’s life is decreased after a divorce even he has not done anything wrong? Whether financially or quality of life, men are not getting an equal deal. I stayed single simply for one reason, I chose too! With it neither I or have any children have suffered the effects of divorce. I feel for those children that have. Poor decisions by both parents simply indicate their lack of commitment to the marriage. In terms of disrespect, how is cheating by either party respectful?

  13. 853
    Persephone

    TP, I am a lawyer, (immigration law / family law / criminal law) and I have studied this issue in depth as well as having practical experience.  Judgments are not weighted toward the wife, unless evidence that is relevant and admissible is entered into the record, and carried enough weight to convince the Court.   More often than not, it seems the other way around simply because the husband usually has a better job with more money, and can afford more “lawyering-up.”  In custody battles where the husband fights, more often than not the husband wins. It is absolutely not true that it is biased against men.

    1. 853.1
      TP

      Respectfully disagree. If it weren’t, then things like this would not be organized…..https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fathers'_rights_movement

      Women may have wanted equality, but the backlash from it may have done more harm then good. And the children are the ones who suffer the most. Men will endure, but the scars of divorce leave a lasting impression on children. And with it, we are now seeing fewer marriages, more singles living alone and a total shift in the lifestyle of the USA. I can’t blame anyone for avoiding interpersonal relationships. Financially, emotionally and mentally…it simply isn’t worth it. Pursuing personal goals and other rewarding endeavors offer greater personal growth and satisfaction.

    2. 853.2
      TP

      Respectfully disagree. It is one of the reasons we avoid relationships today.

  14. 854
    Persephone

    TP your entry about the father’s rights movement is about a group that perpetuates these falsehoods.  The father’s rights movements are organized by those attempting to undermine victims of domestic violence.    The fathers’ rights movement is characterized by thinly veiled misogyny. Self-proclaimed fathers’ rights activists minimize the well-documented prevalence and severity of domestic violence against women, accusing domestic violence advocates of promoting false allegations that alienate children from their parents. 

     

    Feminism is not the problem.  Part of the problem may be that while progressive feminists emphasize that father’s equal involvement in family life and child rearing is essential to the advancement of women, there are clearly a number of predictable situations where the legal standard of equal-access parenting would be bad news for mothers and children. When a parent is mentally ill or has a history of spousal abuse, child maltreatment, or a past or present substance addiction — or has been convicted of certain criminal offenses — courts generally assign sole custody to the more “fit” parent.  Whether driven by jealousy, anger, or insecurity, some of the most serious cases of domestic violence are committed by men who try to control ‘their women,’ both emotionally and physically.” Research also suggests that men who abuse their wives are considerably more likely than other fathers to abuse their children.

    Obviously, not every aggrieved father who signs onto the father’s rights movement is an outright batterer or child abuser. But the core debate about fathers’ right to equal custody is not simply about protecting women and children from domestic violence, or the difference between “good” dads and “bad” dads, or even the contradictions of liberal feminism. It’s about preserving male privilege in and outside of marriage, and whose needs and emotional well-being take precedence when parents in disrupted families just can’t get along.

     

  15. 855
    TP

    Again I disagree, Women use the legal system to perpetuate their agendas. Many men have had to defend themselves from false statements simply because a woman has lied for her benefit. Regardless of outcome, it simply clogs up our legal system and creates more distrust. Like it or not, it is a fact. And with it, it simply turns good men away from relationships. The feminist agenda has spent considerable time and money trying to create an anti-male philosophy. It has done a very good job of it and has now divided the sexes. MGTOW was not created for men’s rights. It simply gives men an option without feeling that we have an obligation to marry or engage in relationships. Again, pursuing ones personal growth is now more of a priority than seeking companionship or relationships with women. I expect this trend to continue for the near future until the equality equation is fully sorted out.

  16. 856
    Some Dad

    Amazing that this article is getting so many for several years after it was posted.  I personally think that men, these days, have little problem being single unless they want to have children.  It’s all just too risky because the system is set up to end up in a failed marriage, and modern society almost seems to encourage women to divorce women if they are “unhappy”.  If you don’t believe me, just look at all of the garbage on the internet that says as much when you see articles that say that “women are happier after divorce”.  Men are too, if they don’t have to become a suicidal wage slave or face prison time.

     

    The truth is that both men and women can live without one another.  Some people desire companionship.  Some people have a desire to be alone.  Some want a bit of both.  Some want just sex.

     

    I stumbled upon this article by accident.  And, while I don’t speak for every man out there, I can attest to what was written by Evan, and mostly agree with all of his points.

     

    I’m in the process of a divorce (initiated by my wife), and was devastated at first.  I went through a number of emotions for weeks.  Couldn’t sleep.  Feared the worst possible outcome.  Cried over the outcome after hanging on for so long.  Cried over the future of our son.  There are times where it’s still heartbreaking (mostly when thinking about my young son, who doesn’t even know yet), but something changed…  One day I woke up and felt relieved that this was over and I could have the life that I finally want.

     

    My entire life has been about making women happy, from making my mother proud, to giving my wife her home and family.  After my wife achieved all of her “dreams”, what was left?  I began to feel like I was good for 3 things; 1. Money / home. 2. A babysitter while my wife went out to play all the time and drink with girlfriends and go on running trips. 3. The primary housekeeper (I do like 90% of the housework, all of the yard work and maintenance, and now all of the cooking).  I put my foot down after years of this, and she filed for divorce.  Truth be told, I let it go on, and for far too long.  I’m responsible for letting her walk all over me because of “love”.  I realized afterward how much BS that really is because no relationship ever works out when one person is permitted to take advantage of the other.

     

    I began to see how hurt I really was in this marriage, for years.  Some of you ladies may not think it’s possible to hurt a man, but it’s real.  It was hell.  It has been the worst experience of my entire life.  It didn’t have to be that way, either.  My wife was, and still is, my best friend.  But something changed in her after having our child (who is, by the way, the best gift in my life).  Once my wife had no future need for me, she stopped working on contributing to our home and marriage and found plenty of reasons to blame me for her detachment.  Maybe this seems petty for me to make this claim, but I can’t help but feel deep down that it’s the truth.  I’m not going to claim that I’ve been perfect 100% of the time.  I’ve said some things that were not nice.  I’ve had at least a few of my own issues, but I’ve tried to work on it over the years.  But I was always home every night, never cheated, provided for my family (sole income), and love my wife and son.

     

    What I realized is that she’s basically set me free by asking for divorce.

     

    Not only am I physically healthier than I was in my 20’s; strong, tall, have pretty much all of my hair, physically fit (I’ve picked up training to be an amateur boxer for fun), I also have a good career and a decent home (she’s decided to move out).  I don’t live beyond my means and I have no debt outside of the mortgage.  My wife, on the other hand, squandered her youth and never got an education (planned for 30+ years to be a stay-at-home-mom), has accrued mountains of debt even though she had no financial obligations, and is scrambling to find someone on dating sites.  She is like a ticking time bomb.  In a way, I’m elated now that she has to work so hard to finally support herself and learn self respect and to have financial responsibility.  Truly, I wish her the best though.

     

    Going to just come out and say this at risk of getting flamed.  It occurred to me that I have no immediate interest in women outside of sex.  If I ultimately meet women and we develop friendships, great.  If I meet women that want to have casual sex, awesome.  If I meet women that want both, I’d think that’s even better.  I’m not just some “male pig”.  There are some women that just want to have sex.  I’m coming out of a sexless relationship of more than a decade and a half, and the past 6 years have literally been totally sexless.  And it has nothing to do with performance problems.  I’d like to blame my wife’s history of childhood abuse on this, but “sexless marriages” happen to people for all sorts of reasons.  I’m not doing that anymore.  I’m more sexually frustrated than a teenager.

     

    It’s just the reality of things.  Some people get paired with the wrong partner.  My wife and I clearly were not compatible on many levels and there were just too many barriers that made it hard to make things work.  Now, I will never even get in a long term relationship without sex; lots and lots of great sex.

     

    I’d never want to be in a situation again where I’m tied to someone out of moral values and “love”.  I committed to my wife and she wasn’t committed to me.  She’s scrambling on dating sites to find someone else, and I’m just living my life now, for the first time in over a decade.  I wish her the best of luck as long as it doesn’t impact our son in some negative way that’s worse than the divorce.  But there seems to be a very real epidemic of women who get “bored” or “unhappy” in a relationship and bail rather than making an attempt to deal with the problems.  Not saying that men don’t do this, but a lot of women simply are delusional as a result of fairy tales and princess mentalities, and men have far more to lose in a lot of failed marriages.

     

    I’m in charge of my own happiness, as is everyone else.  I don’t need to be unhappy anymore.  Some of it sucks.  Alimony and child support are just temporary, but I have a wonderful son and the second half of my life to enjoy.  So half of the time I’ll be with my son.  But when I’m not, I get to do what I want, when I want, where I want.  I wouldn’t have asked for a divorce but there really truly are a lot of  positive aspects to being single unless you’ve found the right person.  There are just too many factors that make marriage such a risky proposition for men these days.

     

    I love that I’m on the path to being single again!

    1. 856.1
      Persephone

      Dear “Some Dad”:  There’s nothing wrong with you feeling that way.  I feel as if  my entire life has been about making men happy, so I understand your frustration. Perhaps one day you will happenstance upon someone you want to commit to. 

    2. 856.2
      TP

      Making women happy? The first person you need to make happy is YOU!!! If you are not happy within yourself, the rest is time wasted.  Your mind and body needs to remain sound in order for you to provide for your son. When he sees a happy dad, he is happy. Take care of you first, the rest will work itself out.

      1. 856.2.1
        Some Dad

        TP,

        You’re mistaken.  I am, and always have been, happy with myself.  I’m even happier now that I am going to be single.  That’s the point of this entire article.   I was unhappy with having a partner who contributed nothing to the home or marriage, and basically went on cruise control after having a child.

         

        I’m simply pointing out that it was largely a one sided relationship, and I’m better off now the she’s leaving.  And, frankly, I’d not wish the same on anyone else.

         

        My son is also very happy.  He might not feel the same way after his mother takes him away from his home.  But she spent the past 6 years focusing on her friends and hobbies and was never home anyway, and is now trying to make up for it by spending more time with him.

    3. 856.3
      Some Dad

      By the way.  A few typos in my post above, but I had to get out the door for boxing class and missed a few things.  One in particular.

       

      It’s all just too risky because the system is set up to end up in a failed marriage, and modern society almost seems to encourage women to divorce women if they are “unhappy”.  If you don’t believe me, just look at all of the garbage on the internet that says as much when you see articles that say that “women are happier after divorce”.

       

      I meant to say that modern society encourages women to divorce men, but I guess that it could apply in lesbian marriages as well.  I don’t know how much of it’s true, but there are lots of statistics floating around that lesbian women are divorcing their wives at least 50% more than women are divorcing their men.

       

      Anyway.  What’s the point of marriage anymore?  Not enough people are willing to work on dealing with the hard stuff, contribute to the relationship in meaningful ways, or work on their own problems.  Too much blame and not enough that’s keeping wives from walking right out the door.  And the existing alimony laws serve as little more than a way to keep people (predominantly women who make some 97% alimony / maintenance claims) off of state assistance.   I’m trying not to seem jaded but this is now my reality, one that I never thought that I’d experience.  And it’s not like I’m some abusive and unreliable dude who deserves this.  Just a fool who didn’t entertain my wife enough to keep her interested in staying married after she didn’t need me for anything else.

       

      My lawyer told me that “Divorce is the biggest scam of the century”, because the courts and lawyers make so much money off of the willing participants who pay for it.  He may be right, but I’d wager that marriage is the biggest scam of the century, from the wedding industry scamming women, to the fairy tale imagery that entices them to imagine some unattainable perfection, or the lies that a partner makes about being committed “till death do us part”.  Most men just end up being suckers in the whole process.

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