Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do?

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do? Dear Evan,

Why don’t men hate being single as much as women do? I know you say most men are marriage-minded underneath but they seem much less interested in getting into a stable, committed relationship than women do, and seem to drag their heels.

Some of the things I hate about being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of quality sex available.

Surely these things apply to men just as much as women? If this is the case, why aren’t men jumping up and down with excitement when they meet someone they connect with, like we are? Why aren’t they just as keen as we are to know “where things are going” early on in the relationship? A lot of men my age seem uninterested in a committed relationship, seeming to prefer a more casual “low investment, low return” approach to relationships. Do men actually ENJOY the endless tedium and stress of going on a string of disappointing dates? Or does it all simply come down to the capriciousness of the female orgasm – since men can have an orgasm with practically anyone, they don’t much care who they’re with, whereas if a woman finds someone who’s actually good in bed she’s desperate to hang on to him?! Your insights would be much appreciated.  -Elaine

Dear Elaine,

Love. This. Question.

I particularly love your list of what sucks about being single. As a guy who was single for 35 years, I completely agree and think that – all things remaining equal – having a good relationship is a far superior state of being than being alone.

(This does not mean that I look down on single people or think you should be in an unsatisfying relationship so, please, spare me the complaints.)

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

But what gets me the most excited, Elaine, is that you’ve forced me to consider something that I’ve never actually considered before:

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much as Women Do?

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

Funny, but probably not the entire picture.

So, together, let’s consider why men are generally cooler with being single than women:

1. Low investment, low return. As I observed in “Why He Disappeared”, this tends to be the way that men deal with most of their relationships. When a man hangs out with another man, he’ll watch sports, play poker, talk trash, grab a few drinks, and maybe talk about whether he’s hooking up. This takes care of most of a man’s basic needs – for companionship, for laughs, for fun.

Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

As I look at that list, it occurs to me that most of my clients who are perfectly content being single are satisfied with their female friendships. My mom, for example: she volunteers at the hospital, she tap dances in the musical at her clubhouse, she plays canasta with the girls twice a week, she does Sudoku in her garden, she’s on the party-planning committee… and while she misses a travel companion, movie companion and regular sex, life is pretty much okay as it is.

I just think there are more men than women who are okay with low-investment, low-return, that’s all. Which brings us to…

2. Self-definition. Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

This is unfortunate and short-sighted because nobody dies thinking that he wishes he had a 72” Sony instead of a 64” Vizio. But hey, that’s men.

Women, who are, in general, more emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their relationships. So when they lack a partner, they’ll be disproportionately sadder than men, who just bury themselves in more work and (sometimes) play.

Then again, many of my smart, strong, successful clients also bury themselves in their work for a decade, and emerge from their cocoon of success and travel, only to learn that they’re really, really lonely. I can only imagine there are millions of women who haven’t contacted me who continue to immerse themselves in that worldview that success and accomplishment matters more than love. Which brings us to…

3. Communication styles. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: men need more help; women ask for more help. And nowhere is that clearer than in the realm of relationships.

A few thoughts off the top of my head:

• Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men. I remember reading somewhere that it was about 1 in 6 women vs. 1 in 48 men.

• 90% of the self-help market in bookstores is for women. Seriously, apart from “The Game” have you ever seen a relationship book for men that’s sold in airport bookstores?

• Women maintain closer friendships throughout life. My mom talks to her best friend every day. She has friends who talk to their daughters every day. I’m as sensitive as they come and I talk to my best friends in New York about once a month.

In other words, even if men feel the emotional need to connect, they rarely reach out to do so – with each other, with their families, and with you.

Women talk about their feelings with much greater frequency and intensity, further feeding the perception/reality that they care more about relationships.

4. Sex – Perhaps Charlie Sheen said it best, years ago, when talking about his predilection for prostitutes: “I don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to leave.”

There are a decent number of men out there who don’t really desire the same kind of relationship as you do. Their needs are met by their male friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

You can tell who these men are because when they’re not with you, you don’t exist. They’ll call you once a week to hook up and that’s all. These guys play on their terms, not yours and are a total waste of time to any woman trying to forge something real and lasting. It’s like trying to teach a fish to ride a bicycle. In my experience, there are very few women who treat men as if they’re good for nothing but sex.

So yeah, a man’s ability to separate sex and love is another valid reason he’s not terribly upset when he’s single.

The last thing men want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

5. Expectations about relationships. I think this is the most important point of all. Women expect their relationships to be transcendent. They expect the man to illuminate and inspire. You remember “Eat, Pray, Love,” right? “You don’t need a man. You need a champion.”

Guys don’t work that way. We want someone who is attractive, who doesn’t criticize us or tell us how much we need to change, who we can spend lots of time with without getting bored, who we can bring around our friends and families with minimal incident.

You don’t have to play fantasy football.
You don’t have to make six figures.
You don’t have to have washboard abs.
You don’t have to have an M.B.A.
You don’t have to be spiritual.

As a result, most men can date lots of women.

Women – at least my clients – can only date .0001% of men.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her follow-up to “Eat, Pray, Love,” called “Committed”, explores these outlandish expectations that Western women have for love – which are nothing like what women in other cultures experience. As a result, Western women are very disappointed in their men, whereas men aren’t nearly as disappointed in women.

In other words, we think you’re fine as you are.

We just hate the fact that you need us to change so much.

As a result of all of these biological and societal observations about men, it shouldn’t be too surprising that there are no Time Magazine cover stories or best-selling books about desperate men.

We can separate sex and love, we define ourselves by our work, we don’t lack dating options, we get 95% of our needs met without female companionship, and we don’t talk about relationships nearly as much.

If there’s anything I missed, please let me know. Guys, please chime in here. Why are you okay not being in a relationship – and how is this different than the women you know?

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Comments:

  1. 871
    T

    Despite having a summa cum laude degree in engineering, a masters and Ph.D. in physics, multiple domestic and international patents, and a variety of publications my excuse is simple. It is the Peter Principle of relationships. I rapidly rose to my level of incompetence and endeavor to spare any other woman that I would assume to care for the experience.

    You’re welcome.

  2. 872
    Likerofpeople

    Wow! I can only speak for myself as a woman and say that this article could have been written on a lot of points with regards to how I see a relationship with men. I have experienced very needy men and very needy women in my life, neither are nice to be in a relationship with.

    We are never going to get anywhere calling women bad or men bad, because both genders can behave selfishly or can be nurturing relationship partners. I don’t think that it’s up to one gender to learn how to satisfy the needs of another. It’s best to take responsibility for your own happiness.

    The thing with sex is that a lot of the time people are approaching it with the attitude that they are going to get something out of it and that expectation is probably not going to lead to a fulfilling experience.

  3. 873
    Jon Baker

    I like this article because he was asked a question and he’s just being realistic in the sense that to make a man and woman happy together, there is no need for an “over-the-top and exceptional relationship”; there just needs to be two people that are down to earth and realistic, yet still romantic, kind, and loyal. They need to be on the same page when it comes to their viewpoint on life, and to not expect unrealistic things from each other.

    It’s true that women have way higher and unrealistic expectations in America than men do. I lived in Argentina for two years and their relationships are way more chill, realistic, and genuine. And in my opinion, I also think it’s why they have better-looking women, because they don’t try so hard and they are more confident, due to their more realistic expectations of men and themselves.

    The reason this article is bothering so many women on here, is because it strikes true in their own hearts. They know they do it, and they don’t like that somebody points it out so blatantly. It’s not any different than when it bothered me for a moment in this article when the author wrote that men spend most of their time worrying about money and TV’s, but that’s because it’s true! And to be honest, all of the women getting on here and writing angry comments should try and read it constructively, because if they didn’t need relationship help, they wouldn’t be reading this article in the first place.

    Thank you, Evan for a good and finally honest article.

    1. 873.1
      Persephone

      To John Baker 873, I read teh first paragraph of your post and thought, “Whew, finally a common sense person here.”  Then I got to the second paragraph. Oh, boy, oh , boy.  I  disagree with one comment you made, “that women have way higher and unrealistic expectations in America than men do.”  That has not been my experience  I see it go both ways. As a lawyer who is now officially burnt out on doing divorces, I can say that neither gender has the monopoly on crazies, or on those with unrealistic expectations.  My personal experience with relationships and with my own failed marriage(s) is that men can be pretty darn unrealistic. 

      Why the whining about not pulling the shower curtain back correctly?  Why is a shower curtain, or a garbage bag with “air” in it, or the placement of pillows on the couch more important than your marriage?  Why in the world, when your wife is spread thin, can you not try to pick up at least a little slack?  If I forget to mail the power bill, can you not find it in the kindness of your heart to do at least 51% and quit haggling over every little percentage, cent and piece of minutia? He would let it set there on the console table until it rots, or until I finally “got responsible” and mailed it.  He refused to mail it, with thoughts that it would teach me a lesson for the power to get cut off.  Seriously.   OH, and God forbid that I should not have supper right on time, regardless of the difficult legal brief that is due with a strict deadline.

      As for me and my new beau, he is welcome to enjoy his life without me fussing. He can languish until noon in the bed on weekends for all I care. I am just glad to have his sweet angelic face on the pillow next to mine, and I can take out my own garbage thank you very much, but if he decides to take it out on his own incentive, that’s awesome.

      Point it that it’s the individual who has unrealistic expectations–not the gender.

      1. 873.1.1
        Insightful Idiot

        “As for me and my new beau, he is welcome to enjoy his life without me fussing. He can languish until noon in the bed on weekends for all I care. I am just glad to have his sweet angelic face on the pillow next to mine, and I can take out my own garbage thank you very much, but if he decides to take it out on his own incentive, that’s awesome.”

         

        See? The good ones are always taken lol

        1. Persephone

          Yeah, my good guy is taken, but he is 5’9″, and works a crazy schedule, having to stay sometimes in motels during the week for construction jobs.  It’s not that he enjoys being single, it’s that he  thought he needed to stay single because no woman would accept this.  (I hate Trumps but he is funny when he says W-R-O-O-O-N-G!!!!.) I have a life, too, ya know, and sometimes must stay late working on a legal brief.  Yes, there are men and women all over the place who have realistic expectations and understand what a “J.O.B.” is.

  4. 874
    John

    marriage has become a 4 letter word in my book.   It destroys lives and props up whatever disillusion you started off with when the idea of marring someone popped into your head.   The problem, is that marriage has no definition.  It means something different to everyone and the more the definition differs between couples to be, the more damage will occur.   Does marriage mean your woman will now be your personal sex partner and want to do fun things with you every single day?  Absolutely!!!   Does marriage mean your man will help you confront all of your never ending plights, helping you to battle the world which is against you, and he will just give you occasional hugs in place of any kind of sex life because that would just be picture perfect?  You Bet!!  These realities are as good as stone for the first day and then erode after realization sets in doing damage for years to come.   To restate, marriage is as good a word as ‘hope’ or ‘change’, empty and meaningless except to those who give it meaning.   Take the above ludicrous example and then add a layer of absolute security around it, meaning that this particular couple absolutely cannot divorce even though one strongly desires it and the other strongly does not.   Now lets add kids into the bag and we’re almost at suicidal.   One is a delusional cupcake from fantasy island and the other a realist striving for the weakest link to break so something more important does not.   Are we there?!?!  Yes we are, ok, now you’re at my level.  Hi!  Im John.  Welcome to Hell.

      1. 874.1.1
        Amanda

        Evan, best response ever. 🙂

    1. 874.2
      DeeGee

      John said: “(I hate to duplicate any of that text)

      Wow, dude, that is a really black hole you are in.
      I would recommend seeking some counseling.  Seriously.  That is not healthy.
      Marriage will be what each person puts into it and makes it.  Which is why it is important to choose a good mate, and to be the best that you can be.

  5. 875
    Amanda

    Wow, I’m a single woman and love it,but I cringe when I hear the words dating,relationship, and marriage,maybe its because I’ve been single for over 4 years. I don’t turned down guys,because I never get approached. So basically I don’t date. I love it!

    Men have this unrealistic image of what a woman,regardless how they look themselves. For instance men chase after 10s when they’re only a 2. So I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m okay with it. Besides you can’t stop the aging process.

    To me relationship means you’re co dependent, clingy,needy,and only looking for validation because you obey society. Where I’m my own person, and I’m happy with being alone. I am currently going to college for a degree in accounting,so I’m busy. Relationships just hold me back, why should I put my life on hold because of other people. I’m not about to give up my life because someone wants me to be someone I’m not, because they want me to be want they want me to be.

    I’ve had three relationships in my whole life. First one lasted 9 years, it was very violent, I literally ran in the middle of the night and never went back. Four years later was in a relationship for six months, I kicked him to the curb, because he didn’t want a job. Last relationship lasted one year. He cheated on me and got another woman pregnant. So its not like I don’t have experience. Lol.

    Not every woman or man likes dating. If you’re okay with being single nothing wrong with it. I just wish people would respect others life decisions even if they don’t approve it.

    1. 875.1
      Marika

      We respect your decision, Amanda. We just wonder why happily single people who don’t want to date and think relationships mean you’re codependent and just want validation, come to and comment on a site designed for people who want to date better and form a great relationship…

      1. 875.1.1
        Diane

        Never come across as needy. Never start having a mental time clock that the guy needs to follow. So many dates equals the next preset level of a relationship progress. So many months equals an engagement, moving in together and a marriage date set. Guys can sense a needy woman quickly and will fade away. They want a more relaxed, low stress time with a woman. Once they feel that a woman is becoming controlling, demanding, clingy, they will bolt. Just the way they are.

         

      2. 875.1.2
        AAORK

        I‘ll borrow Amanda’s response to a previous comment, if only to apply it in a relevant and appropriate way: “best response ever!” 😎

  6. 876
    keke

    Spot on. I don’t know any men sitting around wondering how to find a good mate or thinking any less of themselves because they’re single. They typically feel there are so many options to pick from how do I pick one.

    1. 876.1
      Tyrone

      AKeke

      I’m not so sure about all of that that.

      Men are more accustomed to overt rejection (look at the blog about 69% of men getting rejected before the first date) and all we can do is keep trying, take a break from trying, or give up trying all together.

      I have certainly wondered if I will meet someone that interests me. If I meet her, will she even bother to go on a date with me. What can I do differently to experience fewer rejections. And as time goes on, I personally feel like I have fewer options to choose from based on what I am looking for in a partner. But we have to be mindful not to project those feelings outward when trying to date. No woman is looking for the guy with low self esteem because he takes rejections hard and thinks he will be single forever.

      I think there are substantial number of men that don’t really want to be single, but are for one reason or another. I never talk about these things with anyone, and I’d bet many of them don’t either. And just as Evan said, there aren’t a bunch of magazines, books, movies and shows about men desperate to meet the one. So I just keep up the good fight and just live my life trying at least do some things that I enjoy in the meantime.

       

      1. 876.1.1
        Sylvana

        Very true. All one has to do is look online, and you’ll find plenty of men who would love be in a relationship. Actually, I’ve found more lonely/sad about being single statements (in blogs, forums, etc.) from men than women online.

        I think whether a person is all right with being single or not has more to do with the individual than being a man or woman. The only difference is that is socially more acceptable for men to be single than for women. And socially more acceptable for woman to say they would rather be in a relationship than for men.

        1. Persephone

          Sylvania, I agree with you very much. I know of a lot of men, including relatives, who wish that they could find somebody, and their expressed desires sound very much like women’s expressed desires on this matter.

    2. 876.2
      Persephone

      Keke, I do. I have a family member who desperately wants to get married. He reminds me very much of Evan. I think he’s almost becoming jaded because he wants to find a wife so bad. The crazy thing is he so smart, and so handsome, and such a good catch. I keep trying to encourage him to give girls a try. He says why even bother going out with a girl if he’s just not crazy about her. I tell him that he should give them a chance. He won’t know that until after one or two dates.

      As far as guys getting rejected, I can’t believe some of the stuff they do that causes them to get rejected. The guy and the girl will be hitting it off on text message, and he starts saying something silly like give me some of that. They haven’t even met yet! This is exactly what happened to me. They push sexuality too fast, even before they met. Yeah it’s important. But you have to take it slow in that area, or there’s going to be early on rejection.

      The guy that I’m seeing now didn’t start getting sexual with me right away. He made himself seem useful, first. He showed me how useful he was in helping move a couch. Sorry, but this is the way it goes. I’m sure he would be looking for something equally as useful from me to balance that out.

      1. 876.2.1
        Tyrone

        @Persephone

        When I was younger I had the “give a girl a try” mindset. Female coworkers, friends ans family said it was a great idea. An issue I took with it is that it always seemed to go like this: I like woman #1. She is not receptive to my advances. I try to talk to woman #2 and she pretends she can’t hear me speaking to her. I send an email on a dating site to another woman and it goes into the abyss. On an on until someone takes a chance to go on a date to get to know more about me. It felt a lot like the the advice I was being given wasn’t being practiced by a large number of women and I was spending money going on dates with ladies that I had less of an interest in simply because they said yes. It’s not a practice I engage in anymore. Most women don’t engage in it. I can see why your friend wouldn’t want to do it either as long as his expectations are realistic.

  7. 877
    Sara

    After reading through several of these comments, I am very happy to be single. I know I am high maintenance because I have high expectations for my life. If I want something, I go for it. I don’t wait for a guy to ask me out, U ask him out! I also pay for my own dinners, drinks and whatever else I want. I don’t let guys pay for me because they think they are owed something in exchange for paying for me! No thank you! I’m not desperate!

    Please learn to be happy alone. It will be the greatest investment you can make on YOU!

  8. 878
    Gene

    Why would a man marry?  The law favors women.

  9. 879
    Insightful Idiot

    I really resonated with your response.

    When she wrote in asking
    “Some of the things I hate about being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of quality sex available.”

    Emphasis mine. These are things I either don’t care about, don’t apply to me, or are met by my friends. Yes I can get casual sex but I miss the intimacy from having sex with someone you love.

    I also miss the idea of someone kissing and hugging me after a day of work… but that usually never happened anyway. She’s usually bouncing from thing to thing talking a mile a minute.

    Cliche I know, but honestly all I wanna do when I get home is have a beer and shut my mind down for 30 minutes. Thirty minutes – I don’t want to be one of those guys that zones out on tv for 3 hours after they get home. 1-2 beers, NO TV, no talking. Just recharge my batteries and loosen me up.

    I’d be ok with a beer and just having my arm around a woman – just enjoying each other’s company. That’s not what happens though. I just hate that what I need seems to conflict with what she needs. I read that women talk nearly twice as much in a day as men. 2x as many words.

    Women have been the only ones to ever make me feel lazy. I’ve worked in a sawmill and I grew up in the country – I’m no stranger to hard work. But women… they’re always talking or doing something and they always want your help. I want an independent woman who doesn’t need my help. I want a partner – someone to spend time with – not a second job and more responsibiliies. Kill this spider, check the oil, lift this heavy thing etc… I don’t need her help. If she wants to help me cook, fine, if she wants to help with dishes fine – but I don’t need her help with that – I can do it myself. I’m looking for someone to add to my life not take from it – that’s why I’m self-sufficient and I expect them to be able to as well.

    “Guys don’t work that way. We want someone who is attractive, who doesn’t criticize us or tell us how much we need to change, who we can spend lots of time with without getting bored, who we can bring around our friends and families with minimal incident.”

    Wow. Exactly. The main thing that stuck out to me is the minimal incident. Yes dear god if you can limit the drama in my life I’ll love you forever.

    I read that the divorce rate for men increases by 33% when they become unemployed and divorce rates for women increase by 0% when they become unemployed. This is just a small taste of the unrealistic expectations women have for their men. Women seem to have a life plan and if you falter, you’re killing their dream. It makes you feel, as a man, more like a tool they use to reach their goal rather than a living breathing man with feelings who suffers tragedy and missteps like everyone else. Their happiness doesn’t reside in you – but in the life they (need you in order to help) create.

    I seem to meet women who want to be my everything. You can’t. You can’t possibly meet all my needs and it’s unrealistic for you to expect to be able to and I have no interest in being your “everything”. 

    I feel I need to add – though I highlighted the differences I have had with women – I don’t hate women. I just wish that what they needed meshed with what I needed.

    1. 879.1
      Sylvana

      I generally agree with you. But the problem is, the woman you are looking at dating would be a very masculine (or high testosterone) woman. No – not a feminist, power hungry bitch. There is a huge difference, mind you. Basically a woman who thinks, acts, feels like a man.

      And there are plenty of those women out there. But we keep being told we’re not feminine enough to attract men.

      I’ve noticed this is a rather common problem these days in general. A lot of men describe their ideal woman, and it includes her having about 70-80% masculine traits. Yet, at the same time, the woman is also expected to still be feminine.

      It doesn’t work.

       

    2. 879.2
      Persephone

      I am replying to both I.I., and to Sylvia.

      As far as a woman and a man not meshing 100% with everything. That’s not a phenomenon that exist because of male versus female. That’s a phenomenon that exists because of human versus human. Let’s say we have a non-sexual friendship between two hunting buddy males. They’re always going to get aggravated each other, but they’re good buddies how they work it out. Or between two women who do whatever women do anymore together. (Yes, I admit as a woman I don’t know what to do with other women. Where men have hunting, we women sadly don’t have quilting bees, community canning, and things like that anymore.)

      Biologically, all women have testosterone. It’s partially what gives us a sex drive. But then we can get into the nature versus nurture argument, and I think we’re all mixture of both. I’m a lot like I.I., and that I can’t stand a chatterbox. There are  times when I want to have high energy conversations, and times when I just want to chill, and just enjoy somebody next to me without this high-energy conversation, when my energy has been all used up. That’s not a characteristic of me being female. That’s a characteristic of my job being really really hard. It’s also a characteristic of me coming from a family where I have a sister who had ADHD and would talk talk talk talk talk.

      I haven’t quite figured out, it’s Sylvia, what it is for a woman to think act and feel like a man period since I’ve never owned a man’s brain, I really don’t know how a man thinks any differently, except for how is environment has conditioned them to think that way. I used to be the only woman at a heavy industry job, and guys would come up and tell me that there were a lot of differences between men and women’s thinking. And I would ask them how. I really wanted to try to understand this thing, and I had tons of conversations with him about it. They would say, “Okay let me give you an example. What is your favorite store?” I responded that my favorite store was Home Depot. He told me he expected me to be like all other normal women and say Walmart. I hate Walmart. Does that make me not a full member of the female part of the human race? They’re too big,  you can’t find anything in them,  the crowds overwhelm me, and the checkout lines are too long. With Home Depot you can just go in, fidget with fun stuff, look at plants, smell the smells of all the different mulches, look at great tools….

      So, Sylvia? What is the great difference? I’ve tried to figure it out and I just can’t. Maybe it’s me that’s weird. Maybe I’m not a normal female. But if you are around me for 5 minutes he would say that I am very feminine.

      But I would like to set you straight on one thing. I hate the way you placed the word feminist, with the words power-hungry bitch in the same sentence. Just wanting equal pay, the right to vote, the right not to have your butt grabbed in public, the right not to have your face smashed in and nose broken, the right to drive a car, and all kinds of things that are human rights toward women, does that make me a power-hungry bitch? If that’s the way you think, you’ve been around nothing but a bunch of misogynist men. Run for your life. There are plenty of decent men out there who don’t equate feminism with being a power hungry bitch. Thank goodness.

       

       

    3. 879.3
      Lisa J

      Ok, let’s break this down… you want her when you want her.. but you are unwilling to give anything for that.

      I think your mentality about it is the problem in a nut shell. You complain about not being able to take time to relax after work… complaining about her talking to much. Have you actually sat down with her and explained what you need? I bet no. Why would you expect her to automatically know what you need?? Women are not mind readers. You will always be disappointed unless you communicate your needs. YES GUYS… YOU HAVE TO TALK!!!!

      I’m amazed time and time again at the things men complain about. If they would only talk to their SO these issues could be resolved. Instead relationships break up and people end up deteriorating alone all because they expected someone to read their minds! Of course it sounds ludicrous when you point it out…but it’s definitely the pink elephant in the room many people ignore.

      1. 879.3.1
        Insightful Idiot

        Of course you would think my mentality is the problem.

         

        I have explained both my needs and preferences to the women I get serious with. I’m very open and up front about it.

         

        The reason I complained about it, is it happens over and over and it’s not exactly easy to tactfully say “I know you had a great/terrible day but remember how I don’t enjoy high energy conversations after work?”

         

        It’s been met by “Oh so I’m just a burden. We’ll never work if talking to me makes you miserable. Or even just You can be such an asshole. Then I have to apologize or make some goddamn gesture.

        Or I say nothing and suffer in silence and honestly this one is usually preferable. Although I can’t retain details in this state so that’s held over my head down the road.

        Not all miscommunications can be handled by talking it out. Many times there’s an assumption of intent, misread or heightened emotions etc…

        Conversations in relationships can sometimes feel like a minefield rather than the solution to anything.

        I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say “That’s not what I meant” or “That’s not how I feel” and believe me those aren’t things I often, if ever, utter outside of a relationship.

        But I do agree with you – you can’t expect things from your Significant Other  that you haven’t communicated to them.

        Again I reiterate – I’m not coming from a place where I assume my behaviors are the One true best way. Just sharing my experiences.

  10. 880
    Persephone

     Insightful Idiot at 879 said, “I read that women talk nearly twice as much in a day as men. 2x as many words.”  This little bit of misogyny became popular with James Dobson, of Focus On The Family.  Dobson said, ” “Women speak 20,000 words each day, but men speak only 7000”? The first quoting of this factoid seems to date back to 1993, in James Dobson’s book Love for a Lifetime.  Then came the next burst of ignorance from arriving in 2001. That’s when Allan and Barbara Pease wrote their pop pseudo-psychology gender-difference book, entitled Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps.  If an untruth is repeated often enough, it can get a life of its own. 

    Much of the above is taken from this link:  http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2010/03/23/2854143.htm

    1. 880.1
      Insightful Idiot

      Wow thanks for dispelling that little big of ignorance. I had no idea. I guess I’m just a really really quiet guy because all of the women I know talk more on the phone in front of me than I do ALL DAY. Anecdotal but it did help to reinforce the incorrect information when I read it here: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/brain-protein-may-explain-why-girls-talk-more-than-boys/

      1. 880.1.1
        Persephone

        I.I.:  The term “mansplain” didn’t catch on for no good reason. Studies have found that men talk more than women, particularly in public professional settings, where those with more power often feel more comfortable holding the floor.The belief that women talk too much is rooted in the understanding that women should be silent.The talkativeness of women has been gauged in comparison not with men but with silence.  Women have not been judged on the grounds of whether they talk more than men, but of whether they talk more than silent women.

        So,  now I have dispelled even a little bit more of ignorance. 

  11. 881
    Charles Calthrop

    I’ll try to weigh in from a man’s perspective about the original question as to why men don’t hate being single as much as women do – and I’ll try to keep it just about the question as it is, rather than get into a lot of the sociopolitics of our time.

    To do so, I’m going to leave aside the quagmire below that’s specifically dealing with marriage and the associated legal issues, and just definite a relationship as a LTR, committed monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend type set-up.  We don’t need to worry about property issues if we’re just in committed monogamy without marriage.  (For the lawyers, I’ll assume the couple aren’t living together as yes, I know about common law and it’s implications on alimony.)

    The picture, ladies, is not quite as dire as anyone above paints it. While I’m not disagreeing with Evan’s hypotheses above out-right, I’m going to say it’s not even as negative as all that (I don’t necessarily agree that “men get most of their needs met by guy friends”).  I think it’s more the fact that while most women are selective up front about who they’ll date, men are more selective about who they’ll be in a relationship with long term.  So while we need a lot of the same things, since we’re less selective (generalizing here – I’m actually very selective upfront) in the early stages, we have to be more selective for compatibility before making a firm commitment.

    Let’s look at the various elements that the original writer posted as to why she seeks a relationship: 1)Love, affection, and emotional support, 2)vacation partner, 3)domestic task split-up 4)date for social gatherings 5)Day-to-day conversation, 6)financial burden, 7)quality sex.

    Starting with 1) – just about anyone within a wide band of normal emotional response desires this whatever they may say (and I mean a wide band, as I know that I desire this greatly, and friends and family view me as having ice water in my veins).  That said, different people express love and support very differently.  It is not uncommon that the person you’re dating will not express love and support the way you receive it.  If as a man, one doesn’t receive this, one pulls away from a relationship.  Especially in an era where women are extremely independent, it can be easy to misconstrue this.

    2) Vacation partner.  While I think it’s easy to be reductive and say ‘oh guys would prefer to go on a vacation with a crew of their guy friends’, I think that also is oversimplifying things.  The fact of the matter is that going on vacation with an SO is like going on a roadtrip with a friend – it reveals a lot about both of your personalities.  People have very different ‘vacation personalities’.  The two extremes are the schedule based, military precision wielding check-list people, and the other are the completely lackadaisical, plan as you go sorts, with every shade in between.  While vacationing together sounds like bliss on the surface, it can quickly reveal – ‘oh, vacationing with this person, is not that much fun’.  It’s not a gender thing so much as a personality thing. Have a few of these experiences and you get more realistic about the fairytale of vacationing with an SO.

    3)Domestic task split up.  The reductive will just say ‘oh guys do less chores, ergo this is not a benefit to them’.  As a long-term single guy, there’s more than a few times, I’ve caught myself thinking ‘hmmm this would be great if there were some cute girl to split it with’.  The reality when I’ve dated is similar to No 2.  The ideal is a partner with whom you come to an equitable or palatable split of the tasks.  The non-ideals are the extremes – and I’ve dated both – a partner who’ll take nothing off your plate, and may even add on things you have to do – or a partner who ‘does too much’, because frankly they are cleaner than you, and you can’t keep up.

    4) As a guy who is socially independent, and has wonderful couple friends who go out of their way to include him, it would be easy of me to say ‘oh well, I think guys don’t need this as much’.  But then I remember the times when I’ve thought a little social dynamo of a girlfriend would be awesome for networking benefits (social and career – especially as you move up, the two blur before completely merging).  Frankly I have to do more here than I should, and I’m probably at the limits of what one person can do.  But even this requires ‘the right girl’ – a girl who isn’t ‘executive appropriate’, the right level of socially engaging, and not correctly able to navigate the right social circles is a liability.  (And whether guys realize it consciously or not, there’s a social circle at all levels for guys as well – and they want their girls to ‘fit’ that.)

    5)As a guy who had to teach himself to ‘small talk’ in order to relate to people from many walks of life, I’m very tempted to trot out ‘oh we don’t need this as much’.  But even this is not true – it’s more what we talk about.  If a girl engages me on topics I’m interested in that’s huge.  (And it’s definitely possible as I have great conversations with my female friends).  It’s just finding that woman who you enjoy talking to (again due to shared interests and personalities) is the challenge.

    6) Financial burden.  I’m a career man and have the means that that entails.  Further I tend to be fairly reasonable and methodical about my living expenses, so while I live well, I invest and save better.  (Which in turn leads to even better means.)  So no, financial burden would seem to not be an issue. BUT… would it be nice to be paired up with someone similarly successful, and save/grow more while cutting costs AND enjoying a better lifestyle?  Sure, but that again means – a small subset of women will satisfy this criteria.

    7) If you ladies have managed to read through this verbose post so far, you’ll have spotted a pattern in how I think about this issue.  The knee-jerk response is that ‘men care more about quantity of sex than quality of sex’.   I’d say instead that it’s the combination of ‘low orgasm barriers’ coupled with most men actually having few partners which leads to most men not identifying quality sex.  (My younger brother dated 7 women and married the seventh, partly because ‘the sex is great’ – I rolled my eyes – immaturely at the time – because in my experience at the time, 1 out of every 7 were any good in bed, and I thought my brother had merely settled on the first one he’d encountered who was any good.)  My point is – if a man has not encountered quality sex, (most encounters aren’t), then he doesn’t value it.  Until he encounters it – and then usually that’s something that becomes very important very quickly to him too.

    So, the picture is not dire ladies – men do want the same things out of a relationship.  But just as the dating process is for you to vet him, the opposite also holds true.  It’s just that you’ve done more of your vetting up front – because usually the things you’re looking to assess are more readily apparent up front.  In contrast, the man needs to take longer to vet the woman, as those characteristic reveal themselves over time.

    As an aside: reading all the contentious comments, I will give one piece of advice.  The landscape between the sexes is much like the political landscape these days – full of hot rhetoric within echo chambers that only exacerbates the situation.   The healthiest, happiest people I know avoid echo chambers – especially online ‘think pieces’.  These sites ring true to us, because they take a piece of our experience – perhaps a few pieces of our experience – and tell us our worst fears: that these weren’t just isolated experiences, but are the sum total of truth and experience.  We believe it, because it is very easy to believe, to succumb.  And it’s in the interest of the online ‘thought pieces’ – because you will patronize them more and drive ad revenue to them.  This is true of political groups, religious groups, and the feminist-mra dichotomy.

    The truth is, there are plenty of horrible people out there – but they are out there of all shapes, sizes, genders, colors, creeds, you name it.   It’s easy to take the existence of these horrible people, and convince yourself that all people (or all people of a particular type) are horrible.  But the only one who misses out is you. (I’m not saying however not to protect yourself against said horrible people – please do take the precautions you need to stop their influence in your life.)

    Instead, put down the online reading.  Go do something else.  Improve yourself.  Interact with the real world. Maybe do something that has nothing to do with you or ‘the other side’, like volunteer for charity. There are also good people of all stripes out there as well – interacting with them will make you feel better about yourself, as well as about others – which will ultimately enrich your life.  (Unlike reading loads of polarizing BS online, which will close you off, and increase your stress.)

    1. 881.1
      Lisa J

      I do have to agree with what you say about sex. As I woman I must admit that my first long term relationship provided the best sexual experience I ever had. Once you have experienced quality…. well it’s like anything else of quality! You don’t want to buy a Honda after driving a Mercedes for a while! It’s harder to get lightning to strike twice too! Unfortunately there is absolutely no determining factor to use to see if someone will be a fantastic lover. A lot of men argue that experience is the key, hence their rationalization of bedding as many women as possible… nope! That doesn’t produce better lovers either. Having genuine love and commitment helps, but still it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. Contrary to what men, including the author, want to push, physical beauty doesn’t equate to sexual satisfaction either! Nor does a high level of sexual chemistry. One the most disappointing things is having a ton of chemistry and being so utterly disappointed by the experience. I think  that’s one of the reasons men and women too, bed hop so much is because they know somewhere deep in their minds that’s the sex they been having is lacking, but lacking in what they can’t say. So men chase ever more beautiful women looking for it and women make their long, long list of “traits” they demand in a man while both are actually  looking for the holy sexual grail which neither of these techniques are guaranteed to provide.

      1. 881.1.1
        Yet Another Guy

        @Lisa J

        A lot of men argue that experience is the key, hence their rationalization of bedding as many women as possible… nope! That doesn’t produce better lovers either.

        I have to disagree with you on this subject.  Pleasing a woman in bed is not rocket science.  As a man who was a man-slut in his formative years, I can assure you that experience with multiple women makes a huge difference in man’s love making skills, that is, if he pays attention to detail and is not penis-centric.  I am routinely told that I am a very good lover without prompting.  I can assure you that I did not come out of the womb with that ability.  It came from experimentation coupled with feedback from women who were not afraid to ask for what they desired.

         

      2. 881.1.2
        Emily, the original

        Lisa J,

        A lot of men argue that experience is the key, hence their rationalization of bedding as many women as possible… nope! That doesn’t produce better lovers either.

        Totally agree. Hot sex has nothing to do with “skill level” or number of previous partners or physical beauty. Hot sex is a combination of a high level of physical attraction and a liking for the same type of sex. And when it’s really good, it just clicks. You don’t need to have a conversation about what you like or what he likes. You could get really lucky and have the hottest sex with your first lover who’s also had little experience.

        1. Persephone

          Emily, Lisa, et  al:

          “Hot sex has nothing to do with “skill level” or number of previous partners or physical beauty.”

          Sooo agree. I am not meaning to offend, but there are certain special sexual acts that I will never do again with any other man afterward, once my amor moves far away and I never see him again. It is rare to experience this level of trust, chemistry and friendship all in one package. I was only his 2nd sexual partner, yet he was the best. My amor is better than my exceptionally attractive ex who was offered a Playgirl Magazine photo shoot–and he was purdy dang good.

        2. Emily, the original

          Persephone,

          It is rare to experience this level of trust, chemistry and friendship all in one package. I was only his 2nd sexual partner, yet he was the best. 

          And when it’s really good, you just know it. I honestly believe there is no good and bad, only personal preference. One person may think you are great; the next may rate you as mediocre.

          I have a friend, divorced twice, who did not meet the man she had the best sex with until she was about 50. The problem is, she’s been looking for something equally hot ever since.

  12. 882
    Charles Calthrop

    BTW – by online thought pieces, I’m referring to politics sites, MRA and feminist blogs etc., not a site like EMKs – which aims to help and help understand, not inflame.  (In case that wasn’t clear.)

  13. 883
    Julie S.

    Wow. This is an older article that I just came across but as a newly divorced woman in my 40’s trying to date again, I found many of the responses from men to be disheartening. I would love to find a man that I could support and love, try to make happy, and treat well without some crazy expectation of getting his money, nagging him to death, or withholding sex. It makes me a little sad to see that many men feel that being in a relationship will only serve to drag them down and result in financial loss. Dating men my age who have been through divorce has been much harder than I anticipated, perhaps this is why. Hopefully there are still some men out there who will value what I would bring to their lives; so far though I have only found men who are wanting to play around with casual sex and avoid getting close by distancing themselves within a few weeks despite how well we seem to hit if off. Trying to keep a good attitude but it is definitely tough sometimes!

    1. 883.1
      Persephone

      Julie S., Even the never-married 35 year olds are like that!

  14. 885
    kiran

    I dont agree with this answer. Actually if the guy just doesn’t like you a lot he will start talking to exs and other girls he may have had contact with in the past or a new one and just move along. I feel most men are desperate for women too mainly due to status of if they’re getting laid or not which is highly important to them and their friends. And they’ll never pass up on a relationship unless they have something else to move on to which they nearly always do as women are also very desperate for men.

  15. 886
    Elyse

    A whole slew of recent research shows that many women are indeed happier as singles than men:

    Women are happier single than men because relationships are hard work
    This is why women are happier than men when single
    Single women are happier than society thinks they are — according to research

    There are more, but you get the idea. My guess is that the many of the women who are desperate to be in a long-term relationship have never been in a long-term relationship. Those of us who have, know better.

    1. 886.1
      Persephone

      This is what I had read, Elyse, in numerous places, that women are happier single. The feeding and care of a grown man is really hard work.

      1. 886.1.1
        Elyse

        Absolutely agree, Persephone. I’ve been separated for 4 years and am in zero rush to get remarried. I’m happier now than pretty much at any other time in my adult life.

        The emotional/psychological burden of being in a relationship with an unhappy man was unbearable. I don’t want to own a man’s neuroses ever again.

      2. 886.1.2
        Emily, the original

        I’ve read that, too, particularly if they were married and are now single. Maybe they were widowed.  They may be interested in dating and sex, but not moving in with and remarrying.

    2. 886.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      (This is what you get when you Google “why women are happier as singles.”)

    3. 886.3
      Stacy

      @Elyse

      I used to feel the same way after my divorce. However, I think being with the RIGHT person changes the game.  The person I am with can cook and clean as good or even better than me (and does so willingly).  He is far from a man child…makes life easier in every way. When you have a partner like that, then it beats being single any day (well, at least for me, and I LOVED being single).

      However, MOST people end up with people that are wrong from them (been there). As a result, you end up working so hard to maintain the relationship, and even way harder than if you were by yourself.  I remember growing up with a mom who literally got no help around the house while taking care of three kids. I was surprised she had time to use the bathroom looking back. Yes, she was a stay at home mom but my dad felt that his ONLY job was to bring in the money. She was miserable. When women stop settling for sub par relationships just to be in one, that’s when the game changes.

  16. 887
    Lisa J

    I don’t think that women have outlandish standards. I think we just want men to actually being something interesting and intellectual to the table. Men complain that women “don’t except them for who they are” however they keep missing the point that they are boring individuals who have very little to offer. Women want a man who is interesting, who has goals and who is at the minimum emotionally available. Being emotionally involved in the relationship means being able to actually care meaning you give emotional support not just financial or whatever. Men still clinging to the antiquated “she’s needs to be attractive and except me for being a loser that I am”…makes me glad I’m not a man! Time and time again you talk to men who have been in bad relationships and the act dumbfounded and say”but she was so beautiful”…. Attractiveness does not equal goodness. It sound never be used used to decide anything!  Being shallow, with no depth and that’s exactly the men you are describing here seems to be the problem. If you continue to cling to that identity, many men will die alone.

    1. 887.1
      Rikhard von Katzen

      Most women are incredibly boring and impossible to talk to about anything I care about. You ever gone into a hobby shop or a sporting goods store? The men outnumber the women about 80-1. If you want ‘interesting men’ try not being so boring and lame.

      1. 887.1.1
        Persephone

        I find the same thing about many women as well, and I’m a woman, LOL! Within the same thing about men, too. But then if I try really hard with conversation skills I can always drag something out of them, until I eventually find out something interesting about them.

  17. 888
    Rikhard von Katzen

    It’s just a fact that people have different interests – and conflicting interests. Some of these line up for biological and social reasons – for example, between men and women.

    Personally, as I have no interest in having children, paying someone else’s bills, or devoting any of my time to anyone else that isn’t at least an even-break on my personal entertainment and finances, I generally have no interest in women. I literally have no use for most women other than sex, and the sex isn’t worth the time investment and hassle. I’d rather play Dungeons and Dragons.

  18. 889
    Tracey

    Having been intermitantly singe and part of a couple throughout my adulthood, what has surprised me has been how poorly I am treated by many married women and couples when I am on my own. Even by a few long-time friends whom I was supportive of when the shoe was on the other foot. I guess they see me as a threat, which is crazy because I am extra careful to not be alone in conversation with a married man, ever. I was dating a man a while ago who said he and his daughter were well supported by his circle of still-married friends, making sure as a ‘how will he manage own his own single dad’ that Shabbat dinners and holidays were always covered. I spent more weekends and holidays on my own with my son than I can count. I have given up on trying to socialize unless I’m part of a couple. There is clearly a double standard on how single men and single women are treated.

    1. 889.1
      Persephone

      Tracey 889, I agree! Even mildly attractive single women are treated very poorly, especially by other women, especially married ones. They  will always see us as competition, even if we have absolutely no interest in their man. Then, if the man is caught looking at us, or even making a comment about us behind our backs, we are the ones who are going to be blamed. It’s probably one thing that single men don’t have to deal with.

      1. 889.1.1
        Emily, the original

        Persephone,

        Even mildly attractive single women are treated very poorly, especially by other women, especially married ones. hey  will always see us as competition, even if we have absolutely no interest in their man.

        This has happened to me, too, and 99 percent of the time the husband isn’t appealing. It’s like you’ve been put in a competition you weren’t aware of and don’t want to participate in.

        1. Stacy

          @Emily…LOL…I used to feel that way when I was single all the time.  And more often than not, the man in question would not even get a first look if I was single. With my man now, we look at other women all the time. I think women are beautiful. He is comfortable enough with me to compliment another woman. My philosophy is, if he ever wanted to leave me for another, I would help push him out the door anyway so never anything to worry about.

    2. 889.2
      Emily, the original

      Tracey,

      I have given up on trying to socialize unless I’m part of a couple. 

      Join a women’s group so you can have a girl posse. You may end up having more fun!

      1. 889.2.1
        Marika

        Tracey

        I made a group of great friends post divorce through Meetup. Most are single, but not all. We’re all part of the group for a common purpose and there’s no weirdness or competitiveness at all.

  19. 890
    Persephone

    I found a very good article that explains perfectly “why men don’t hate being single as much as women do.”  It’s from the great black publication called “The Root,” and is written by author Brooke Obie. “Time’s Up on Men Telling Single Women How to Be Worthy of Marriage”.

    She posted a video of a pastor of a megachurch telling women while they’re not married. It’s quite different than what Evan says. Pastor Gray said basically that women should tie their self worth to how marriageable they are.

    Here is an excerpt from the article.

    “Because men have never faced and will never face the societal pressure women historically have faced to be married. Unlike women, men have never had their literal value inextricably linked to their marital status. Women, since time immemorial, were seen as literally worthless and discarded if their fathers couldn’t marry them off, and then again if they couldn’t bear children for their husbands.

    “That fear of not being good enough for marriage—the one thing that could give women a potentially ‘secure’ life in a patriarchal, oppressive world—has been passed down to women from generation to generation. This is not your history, men. So why are you talking?
    “Time’s up on those days.
    “If you’re not helping to dismantle patriarchal oppression of women and nonbinary people, at least get out of our way. And you can start by leaving your advice for women on how to become ‘wives’ right where Ciara left that mumbling rapper—in the past.”
    Here is a link to the article.

    https://www.theroot.com/time-s-up-on-men-telling-single-women-how-to-be-worthy-1822310194

     

  20. 891
    Robert

    I don’t know.  I’m single, and I’m rather miserable, bitter,  and angry about it.   I don’t want to be single, I  don’t like being single.  I miss the companionship, and other aspects of a relationship.  After reading countless blogs on dating,  and relationships, I’ve determined that  I’m not qualified to be relationship material.  I also don’t buy into the “hookup” culture, that is so prevelent,  in society today, I believe it is wrong, so it’s a catch 22.   I believe I  will have to accept singledom, but that doesn’t mean I  have to be happy about it.  I think this is a large group of singles, that are unaccounted  for, single and unhappy.  Another group that seems to be unaccounted for, are non college or university educated males.  Most blogs I’ve read focus on the younger men who have earned a degree, and are busy pursuing their careers, or are in their late 30’s or 40’s, and have “made it” in their careers, have lived a life, are experienced in love, who know what they wanted in life, and went after it.  I’m sorry, I  can’t relate.

    1. 891.1
      Persephone

      Dear Robert, I mean no disrespect to you at all, and I understand your frustration. You might not have confidence in hiring a dating coach, but I encourage you to think about trying it. You may be more relationship material than you think.

      1. 891.1.1
        Robert

        I didn’t use the word “unqualified”, to be self depreciating, I  meant it from a realistic,  and practical standpoint.   I’m 45, and personally, pursuing  women who are in their 30s  seems a little creepy.   I could be wrong, it very well could be acceptable.  Anyway, from reading actual profiles,  on “match”, and reading blogs, there is a consensus of 4 requirements, of what women, in their late 30s, 40s, and above,  are looking for in men.  1.  Ambition.   Gotta have it.  Always being in the pursuit of doing better, being better.  2.  Earnings, or at least earning potential.  These women generally have their shit together, and expect a man to make at least as much as they do, preferably more.  Let’s be honest, lack of money, does make life harder.  3.  Education, more than just a high school diploma.  Any degree will do, as long as you have one, which means college, or trade school.  4.  Housing.  At 45 a man is expected to own his own home, or at least be paying a mortgage, towards a home.  Living with your parents, paying rent, or living with room mates, or renting,  in general,  is unattractive, at a fundamental level.  I can’t afford to buy my own home, well I  suppose I  could afford a cheap condo, or a mobile in a trailer park, but I’m picky in that respect, and don’t want these.  I  would rather rent.  All these points branch off of point #1.  From a personal standpoint, I  seem to be the exception to all the rules,  of what a man my age, is supposed to be, supposed to have achieved, supposed to live.  I’m not broke, by any means,  but I’m far from wealthy.   I get by, I don’t believe in “keeping up with the Jones’s”, I  believe in living within my means, regardless of how meager.  I wasn’t,  and still not smart enough for college.   My writings are my observations, they may be biased.  Honestly, as you can tell, my experience in this area is virtually nil.  When I  met my ex, we never actually “dated”  we became friends first, through our mutual gym routine, and it just “progressed” organically from there.  If I  could do it again, the same way, that would be good.  Unfortunately, after 4 years, she grew tired of me, and informed me, that we were “just friends”, after 4 years.  I  found a term on another blog “almost relationship”.  Which best described what we had.  She was almost 11 years older than me, that didn’t bother me.   She had the issue with our age difference.  She re-found an ex coworker, he’s 7 years older than her.

  21. 892
    JL

    This article forgot to  mention a huge factor. Society places much more emphasis on how women should be in relationships. There are no men’s magazines with articles such as “You’re single, now what?” whereas women are far more pressured by magazines, movies, articles, and other people to not be single. These negative and sexist messages start in childhood.

    1. 892.1
      Persephone

      Dear JL:

      I agree with you very much. Generally, females are taught from birth that they are to groom themselves to be wives, rather than valuable individual human beings.

      We in the USA try to pretend that we are above all that these days. That our culture has advanced. That’s a facade.

    2. 892.2
      RustyLH

      100% disagree.  Men, from a very young age are pressured to pursue a relationship with women.  We are taught to see our self worth through the eyes of women.  This is why women using shaming language with men, is actually a thing.  If it did not work, it would not be used.  Women were used to shame men who did not sign up to fight during WWI.  They would hand a white feather to a man who was known to be avoiding the war.  It meant he was a coward.

      Have a look at Men’s Health Magazine covers.  Just google it and go to images.  Almost every cover says something about sex secrets, meaning, you better read this or you aren’t going to measure up in the sack.  Of course every man is also perfect, on the cover, which also implies you don’t measure up.  Same goes for style on the GQ covers.  The only reason men care about style is because women do.

      But, I will say this…in many ways, women are more susceptible to marketing.  Case in point…Saturn had that commercial where the young girl bought her first Saturn and all the sales people came out and applauded her.  The image being presented was that they all cared about her, and here happy for her.  This was a big step in her life and they were showing her that she was now part of the family.   I remember thinking it was dumb, and that nobody would fall for that.  Then I met and married my wife…who loved Saturns.  One day I asked why.  She told me about that commercial.  That commercial was why she wanted a Saturn so badly.  I was shocked.

      I think women only see their side of this situation.  Men get a lot of pressure to be in relationships also, and if you avoid one, you will get the inevitable questions…when are you going to get married and settle down…are you gay…are you impotent…don’t you like girls…why don’t you try to find a girlfriend.

      I once had a guy I worked with befriend me after having been at a party where I met his wife and her friend.  As it turned out, the friend decided she liked me, and wanted a relationship with me.  I was not attracted to her at all.  I was in the military, and in great shape.  She was not.  However, another guy we worked with, did hang around also, and he DID like her…a lot.  After a while, I realized that my “friend” and his wife were playing match maker.   One day, we were sitting on the floor in a circle, all 5 of us.  I don’t even remember what we were doing now, but I do remember realizing that the point was to make it so that the friend could sit by me.  So I got up to get something, and when I came back, I sat on the opposite side from her.  I was questioned about that, and everything was laid on the table.  I admitted I was not interested.  My friends wife pushed for why I was not.  So I was honest.  I wasn’t crude about it…just said we had nothing in common, including that I was very physically fit and very active.  I then said that her and the other guy had a lot more in common, and he actually liked her.  He however, was average looking, and like her, was overweight.  Long story short, I was not welcome back after that.  I learned not to be so honest, even when pushed for answers like that.

      But, I did notice, during the times when I was single, that you get excluded from a lot of events.

  22. 893
    Lindsay Karbach

    From my observations of the 30+ women in my immediate and extended family they are much more inclined to tie their happiness to their romantic situation.  The men tend to be have far less of that, and tie their happiness to their career, hobbies, etc.  There are definitely outlyers on both sides.

  23. 894
    Tim

    After reading all the things she hates about being single, I suddenly remembered what I like about it so much.

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