Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women?

Hi, Evan.

I’m 41, happy with my rounded self, smart, direct, and articulate.

I’ve been told that my lack of dates is due to:

1) Men don’t like smart, direct women, and

2) I’m centered, which sends the message that I don’t need anyone.

Are men really that insecure? I’m certainly not going to be less than I am just for someone else’s insecurities.

Tell me honestly, Evan – are there any good men out there who appreciate a woman who knows herself?

Michelle

Hi, Evan:

I don’t know what is going on and why I’m lacking luck in finding Mr. Right. I am educated, refined, and a self made millionaire by age 34. I am good looking. Many men, women, elderly, and children of all ages have told me so. People also told me that I am one of nicest and sweetest people they have ever met. Even though I am 36, most of the people I meet would think that I am only 26. Unfortunately, I have been through all kinds of online dates in the last two and a half years. CEOs, doctors, lawyers, hedge fund mangers, business owners, professional athletes, actors, etc… When I am not interested in them, they work for the relationship day and night. When I am committed to them and act nice and devoted, they start to look elsewhere.  Anyway, in short, I need some serious help and hope to hear back from you soon.  Thank you.

Sincerely,

Catherine

Great letters. Important question. But first I want to start off with a hypothetical email from a man.

Dear Evan,

I’m what you’d call a “nice guy.” I make a good living, I’m pretty attractive, and I treat women well. In fact, all of my female friends comment on what a great catch I am. But then I see those same women dating jerks. Yet they would never consider going out with me! So what do you think? Am I cursed to be alone just because I know how to be kind to women? Isn’t being nice a good quality? What’s wrong with women these days? Please let me know.

Jason

It’s not BECAUSE a guy is “nice” that he’s not attracting women.

Men reading this might empathize with Jason. Women reading this may feel bad for him, yet also want to him to know that it’s not BECAUSE he’s nice that he’s not attracting women. It’s because he’s doesn’t have masculine energy. It’s because he constantly seeks the approval of others. It’s because he’s not sexually aggressive. It’s because he sacrifices his personal power to be conciliatory. These are common attributes of nice guys, yet nice guys think that women don’t like nice guys BECAUSE they’re nice.

Not true. Women want nice guys – nice guys with opinions who stand up for themselves and know how to take control.

Smart women are very much like nice guys.

“I’m intelligent, I’m direct, I’m successful, yet I can’t seem to find a quality guy who appreciates me.”

Men like smart women. I do. My male coaching clients do as well. So how is it that all these successful men are not connecting with all these successful women?…

Because there’s much more going on than merely a meeting of the minds.

What never occurs to some women is that:

They’re being evaluated on far more than their most “impressive” traits.

These traits sometimes come with a significant downside that is painful to acknowledge.

Take me, for example. I’m a reasonably bright guy. I make a fair living. I can write a decent joke. These are my good traits. But right behind my good traits are a series of bad traits. Anyone reading this blog can see that:

…Despite her impressive credentials – attractive, successful, intelligent – she might not be giving men what THEY WANT.

The flip side of being bright is being opinionated.

The flip side of being analytical is being difficult.

The flip side of being funny is being sarcastic.

The flip side of having moral clarity is being arrogant.

The flip side of being entrepreneurial is being a workaholic.

The flip side of being charismatic is being self-centered.

Again, not EVERY person who is bright is opinionated, and not EVERY person who is funny is sarcastic. But there’s enough anecdotal evidence to suggest a strong correlation. And I’m just talking about MYSELF here. And if my good qualities come with bad qualities, have you considered that yours might as well?

So when I hear a woman talk about how “direct” she is, the first thing I think is: “She’s tactless.” I wrote about this in an article for Match.com entitled “Are You Honest… Or Overboard?” Self-proclaimed “direct” people often tell their dates what they think about them even if the date didn’t ask. They often try to change partners who have no desire to be changed. When the partner pulls away because he doesn’t want to be with someone so critical, the “direct” person concludes that he couldn’t appreciate her “honesty.”

If this makes you feel personally indicted, welcome to the club. I’m a “direct” person as well. I write things that are, to say the least, provocative…and yet I always get surprised when I receive angry emails from readers. Hey, I’m just being honest over here! What are you getting so upset about? ;-)

See, there’s a price to pay for “being ourselves.” And if you’re going to express your opinion, you can’t be surprised if other people disagree with you. And if you’re trying to win each argument, you can’t be too shocked if he wants a woman who can be a little more acquiescent.

I don’t know Catherine and Michelle. But I do know that they are not alone. Maureen Dowd, the Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the New York Times, wrote an entire book about this, called “Are Men Necessary?”. One of her main observations is that if an amazing woman like her could be single, there must be something wrong with men. What she doesn’t acknowledge is that despite her impressive credentials – attractive, successful, intelligent – she might not be giving men what THEY WANT.

Why don't men like smart strong successful womenWhen a man goes out with a woman, he’s not as concerned with whether she’s articulate and on track to make partner at the law firm. That’s what women want in men and they assume it’s of equal importance to them. It’s generally not. Men DO value intelligence, but they also want from their girlfriend what they CAN’T get from their business associates. Warmth, affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness. If he finds himself constantly hearing all the things he needs to change, he may just determine that he wants a bright woman who is less challenging. Not a Stepford Wife. Not a bimbo. Not a maid. Just someone who makes his life EASIER and more pleasant.

Listen, I’ve spent my life chasing after women I’ve intellectually admired. Invariably, all of them had major issues with me. They’re not wrong for seeing things I could change. But a huge reason I’m with my wife is because she spends her time loving and supporting me, not challenging me on everything from movie tickets, to travel plans, to wake up times. She’s easy, in the best sense of the word.

Men want from their girlfriend what they CAN’T get from their business associates: warmth, affection, nurturing…

This is a real dilemma. You’re undoubtedly a great catch. You can teach us a thing or two. You are a go-getter and worthy of everyone’s respect. But if that go-getter side ends up emasculating your man, or makes him feel insignificant, or second-guessed, he’s not really getting what he wants out of a partner. Men want to feel masculine. We want to feel needed. And with a generation of women who pose questions like “Are Men Necessary?” it’s pretty difficult for us to enjoy our role as men. This doesn’t mean you should play dumb, or be weak and needy, no more than the nice guy should start acting like a jackass. It might mean, however, turning off some of the things that make you “successful” at work. This is a bitter pill to swallow, perhaps even a double standard. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that “hard-driving, opinionated, and meticulous” are not on most men’s lists of ideal feminine traits.

As someone who considers himself smart and direct, take it from me – there’s nothing wrong with these qualities. But if it also coincides with being difficult, dating might be a long, tough road for you.

It certainly was for me.

P.S. Want better results in your love life? For a deeper understanding of what qualities you should be looking for in a man, I invite you to check out “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever”.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    verbosity

    A lull in the action…

  2. 62
    Mo

    Why are men turned off by smart, successful women? I think the answer comes from back in high school days boys it seems like would get turned off when the girls would start to brag about how good they were and say things like I got a better grades than you and have this catty attitude that they are better than anyone else. It seems like girls back in the high school days would rub it in and I think it turned the boys off that it stayed with them even after high school and can’t stand that cattiness attitude.Even if women don’t mean to use the I’m better than you/cattiness attitude in the adult lives when getting an MBA/graduate degree I think it still comes across to men that the women that get MBA /graduate degree or are naturally “smart” just rubs men the wrong way. To some men when they hear a lady say I just finished with my MBA/Graduate degree there is just simply something in our brans that naturally turn us off and some men when they hear that they got these graduate degrees or naturally “smart” some men’s brains just turn and think ohh she was one of “those women” and those men would rather walk away cause they can’t stand that cattiness or the “I’m better than you” type attitude. I don’t think it’s necessarily that you are smart or have a grad degree or MBA or whatever but I think a lot of it is the tone of voice when women say they have their graduate degree MBA. I think the tone of voice just comes off wrong and turns a lot of men off.

    I think it’s a natural fear men have built up and have seen it starting in high school days and also in the work force like when women are even catty to other girls and not necessarily to the men it just comes off wrong to men.

  3. 63
    hunter

    to Mo,

    Successful women I have met(and I haven’t met many) like to put me down, in public, and I don’t enjoy that….

  4. 64
    hunter

    to Mo,

    But of course men make mistakes, we can still talk about it in private.

  5. 65
    Delia

    Real Men don’t have to prove themselves. And Real Men are proud of women who are strong and accomplished. There’s room enough for all of us Male AND Female to be all that we can be. Women who use a Certain Tone of Voice when boasting about themselves would be annoying, however I DO agree with you on that!
    Some guys are very proud of successful women. And certain women are deserving of that pride.

  6. 66
    Mo

    To Delia,

    Yes Real men and women still do have to prove themselves especially in todays world with such a hard economy. I my self is a real man and have strong accomplishments and proud of successful women but just saying that there are just some men out there that simply turn them off. But then there are some of the smartest men and women that have gotten the best degrees enter the “real world” and fall flat on their face because they are good in the academic world but for the life of them can’t get going and struggle in the real world for a job.

  7. 67
    m

    “To some men when they hear a lady say I just finished with my MBA/Graduate degree”

    Jeez. If this is what constitutes bragging to men, you all are even more fragile than I thought you were.

    It’s a mere statement of fact.

    HOW is that BRAGGING?

    Does it never occur to you “women should ONLY stay in the kitchen and raise babies” types that in order to even BEGIN to afford the babies, both you and your wife are going to have to work? At good jobs with advancement potential? At actual careers? Careers frequently requiring advanced education, particularly for the woman (since men are more frequently hired with less education than the woman for the same job, and women still make only 76% of what men make)? BOTH of you??

    Or are you just in complete denial about the fact that absent meticulous financial planning from, like, your own birth, only the very upper echelon of working men — SVP- and EVP-level, senior-equity-partner-level — can begin to afford to have their wives stay home?

    When was the last time any of you tried to run a household and put children through college on a single salary?

    [We're not even going to get into the MEN who yammer on for, like, HOURS about their accomplishments and what they have and who worships them and where they've traveled -- never mind that these men are apparently completely clueless about how this behavior MAGNETIZES the "gold diggers" to them that they purport to loathe -- never mind that these men are clueless that the woman they're talking AT (not "to", because that would *gasp* require her actual participation in the conversation) is BORED TO TEARS by their little recital.]

    “I think it still comes across to men that the women that get MBA /graduate degree or are naturally smart just rubs men the wrong way.”

    Oh, OK.

    Then please do us a favor, Mo.

    Stick a sign on your forehead so that women who are “naturally smart” will know who you are and can just stay away from you.

    Then, neither you, nor they, will have to be bothered.

    *smh*

  8. 68
    Michael Ejercito

    I have no problems with women bring smart, strong, or successful.

    In fact, I am willing to date someone who is four inches taller than me.

  9. 69
    Hadley Paige

    M writes: “only the very upper echelon of working men SVP- and EVP-level, senior-equity-partner-level can begin to afford to have their wives stay home?”

    Where does this statistic come from? I doubt it is true. It is quite possible to live on most husband’s salaries. One need only to not fall into the trap of endless material desire. Just live in a more modest home in a more modest heighborhood with a more modest car, go on more modest vacations and have less crapola.

    I think M’s statement is a rationalization on M’s part to justify career women to men who would rather not have a carrer woman as a spouse.

    I for one would rather have my wife stay at home and deal full time with the home & home making & kids and would happily live with less stuff. Kids need sane, calm, loving, unstressed moms more than they need the latest $100 sneakers or $200 electronic device or $100/mo cellphones.

  10. 70
    m

    “…a rationalization on Ms part to justify career women to men who would rather not have a carrer woman as a spouse.”

    Um, no.

    That’s not what I’m saying at all.

    1) First, it’s not about “forcing” someone to want someone they don’t want. (Yeah, that would be a real positive relationship.)

    It’s just about questioning yourself and determining whether your preferences are realistic. It’s one thing to live with “less stuff”, as you say — it’s another to try to live without a place to live.

    2) It’s not about buying excess cellphones and sneakers and blah blah blah. It’s about the cost of a mortgage when the subprime market is imploding, about retirement funds when 401Ks are being gutted by unscrupulous investing, about college education for your kids when Pell funds are being yanked and college loans are 5+ figures with rising interest rates due to increasing defaults.

    Even the current Administration has finally admitted that the economy is *cough* slowing down. :rolleyes: George Soros admits that we’re in a recession likely to become a full-on depression.

    Have you looked around at the economy lately, Hadley? Are you just going to try to snag some poor wide-eyed girl who doesn’t know any better and force her and your new family to try and live on what you make by yourself? What if you get laid off after you’ve just had your first baby? What’s your family supposed to live on at that point?

    Do you even have any idea what constitutes a realistic set of expectations?

    Have you even thought it through?

  11. 71
    Hadley Paige

    to M:

    1. 2nd request for factual backup rather than opinion. Where did you get the following “fact” that you stated in post #67 only the very upper echelon of working men SVP- and EVP-level, senior-equity-partner-level can begin to afford to have their wives stay home?

    I think that you want you “fact” this to be true. Why? If men believed the argument you advance (namely that no family can live on one salary) then it follows that men who believed it would be more likely to take a career woman as a spouse. Which it appears that you think is the only good arrangment for the woman. I do not share that opinion.

    2. M states: First, its not about forcing someone to want someone they dont want.

    Where does this come from? Only you were talking about forcing. It seems you see this arrangment as inconceivable unless the woman is forced. Obviously, it doesn’t appeal to you. But can you not conceive of a relationship where this is a voluntary & welcome arrangement? Perhaps not.

    3. M states: Its one thing to live with less stuff, as you say its another to try to live without a place to live.

    I agree. Obviously, if one’s family is faced with living on the street two salaries are better than one. However, just because you identify an extreme case does not prove the point you advanced that “only the very upper echelon of working men SVP- and EVP-level, senior-equity-partner-level can begin to afford to have their wives stay home.

    4. M states: “Are you just going to try to snag some poor wide-eyed girl who doesnt know any better and force her and your new family to try and live on what you make by yourself?”

    No, but its fine to try to find a fully informed woman who knows what she wants and wants this arrangement. “forcing”? “poor wide-eyed girl”? as you said “Yeah, that would be a real positive relationship”.

  12. 72
    m

    Yammer, yammer, yammer, Hadley.

    When someone starts talking about “stats” — which any mathematician knows can be manipulated to prove any point on either side of an argument — then I know they’re reading waaaaaay too literally to have a real discussion with (second piece of evidence of that was your second comment. I did not say you LITERALLY said anything about “force”. It was implied, gleaned, a conclusion that could be drawn by any reasonable person conversant with the English language and American culture that read what you said. Look up the concept.)

    So at this point we’re not talking to each other; we’re talking past each other.

    So never mind.

    *smh*

  13. 73
    vino

    I noticed in the whole Hadley-m exchange that Hadley is rather respectful. m is not.

    That speaks volumes.

  14. 74
    m

    Everybody clearly defines “rather respectful” in his/her own way here, vino.

    When someone starts talking past me, refusing to even acknowledge what else is being said, and is insistent on establishing their POV and shouting me (or anyone else who appears to disagree with their premise) down, that’s not necessarily my definition of “respectful”.

    YOUR definition of “respectful” appears to be something along the lines of “women are required to defer to men on substantive issues, no matter how prima facie absurd the man’s assertion is, no matter what”.

    Any independent comments on make about the actual issue on the table?

    Or are you just content to slyly harass those who (acknowledging notwithstanding that the plural of anecdote is not data) actually observe something other than the traditionalist viewpoint espoused?

  15. 75
    m

    You know what, never mind.

    I promised myself I wasn’t going to engage when I’m not even being heard.

    :rolleyes:

    Forget it.

  16. 77
    vino

    I’ve come to this site as a means of trying to understand dating and its challenges after a LTR.

    I took the time to read not only this thread, but others on this site as well.

    Plenty of male posters directly answered the question of “Why Dont Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women?” Plenty of female posters chimed in with their perspective as well. Many have something valuable to say on both sides of the gender aisle.

    I think the best posts on the subject are Evan’s original reply, Evan’s #10, Moxie’s #9, Been’s #2, and verbosity’s #60. It’s insane to demand that others change to suit one’s preferences.

    To m,

    I do not wish to argue with you, and won’t. I do not think it will be productive in the slightest. I do not see where Hadley shouted you down at all, just an accusation you are being shouted down. I do see where he asked very direct clarifying questions regarding your posts. I also noticed that in #67, you took part of a sentence to create facts with no basis in reality to insult Mo (“Stick a sign…”). The use of the partial quote also ignored the 4 lines of clarifying text following Mo’s quoted part.

    Also, your post of “yammer, yammer…” does nothing to answer Hadley’s clarifying questions to you. I suspect he’s asking you questions about statistics to see what is representative of the real world, not the conjured-up hypotheticals whose facts (‘forcing’ and ‘SVP,’wide-eyed girl’) change from post to post. you also characterized him as having a ‘desperate need’ for statistics.

    So MY definition of respectful has nothing to do with deference to men, no matter what. Sex doesn’t matter. It has everything to do with using quotes within their context, and not to insult others. It has everything to do with answering clarifying questions asked without creating more facts. It has everything to do with withholding accusations and assumptions such as women are required to defer to men on substantive issues, no matter how prima facie absurd the mans assertion is, no matter what.

    I also read the sfgate article referenced. My paraphrase – beware of relying on every little societal study as they may be false, misleading, or not representative.

    However, here is the best part, the thrust, of the article:

    “This, then, is the danger: Despite the frequent inanity, despite the insulting silliness of much of the information, we’ve been led to believe that it is only through a relentless obsession with tiny, data-driven studies that we can obtain real knowledge, real understanding of what we’re about and how we should eat, sleep, screw, breathe.”

    I don’t think you obtain ‘real knowledge’ or ‘real understanding’ by these studies referenced, nor do I think they are about how to live. However, I do think they are representative of people’s experiences, and therefore may or may not apply to all readers. So, if someone says 60% of men/women cheat, this means that 40% don’t. But it also means that the person citing this study is saying that the majority of people she/she deal with cheat, or more often than not.

    It’s not about how using how we “should eat, sleep, screw, breathe.” It’s about how we DO “eat, sleep, screw, breathe” to determine how we could or should “eat, sleep, screw, breathe” going forward.

    I also noticed there’s nothing in the article refuting anything Hadley or other posters have cited re: stats & surveys. Simply questioning the use of stats doesn’t invalidate them.

  17. 78
    vino

    During commute yesterday, I heard a segment about this on Tom Lykis show. While many do not like what he says or how he says it, there is something valuable in the show.

    I think there’s a podcast about it. I’ll post some brief summary when & if I find it for discussion.

  18. 79
    vino

    Here’s the link

    http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/HomeMortgageSavings/TooSuccessfulForAMate.aspx

    Some choice article quotes:
    “I have this crazy belief that I have the right to expect my potential partner to be at least as successful as I am, and to have as many things to offer as I do,”

    “Then there’s the issue of time. Most highly successful people work crazy hours . . . “The person I’m trying to find is just as busy as I am,” says Mohr, 29. “If we’re both that busy, when is the time when we’re going to meet?””

    “Experts say that the divorce rate is one factor contributing to the trend. Another is a tendency among better educated, more secure women to postpone marriage.”

    Some Leykis responses:

    “What Man is intimidated by a successful woman? This has nothing to do with intimidation. I know women love, especially these women who love to think that they are intimidating men. They’re not intimidating men. I am not intimidated by a woman who has a strong career aspirations, works hard, makes a lotta money.”

    “I just wouldn’t be in a relationship with her. The reason is not because I am intimidated. The reason is because if I were stupid enough to get involved in another living together relationship of any kind, what would be the purpose of it if I got into a monogamous relationship with someone who is so intense about their career, they’re never home and when they are home they bring home their laptop and their portfolio, and they’re typing & reading and working all the time . What is the point of all of that for me?”

    No intimidation involved. All you career-oriented gals who make a million dollars a year or more I’ll tell you what – I’ll be happy to date you. Call me when you’re not busy. I’ll come over. i’ll service you. Then I’ll get the hell outta there.”

    “We’re not intimidated by successful women. WE DON’T WANT TO MARRY THEM (emphasis on audio, so caps added). We don’t want to live with them. We don’t want to have monogamous relationships with women who have no time to EFF us! How do you read that as intimidation?”

    ____________________
    More to follow…

  19. 80
    vino

    More Leykis quotes:

    “These are ball-busting bitches who are excited they are moving up in the company, or their businesses are making all this money. BTW, I’m excited about the same things in life. but the last thing I’d do is if you’re that busy, let you move into my place, then have to come home at night and have to drum my fingers when I want to get laid, because you’re on the road doing business, you’re traveling, you’re working when I’m there, you have a headache, you’re stressed out, you’re tired.

    “Here’s what you do. Keep your own place . . .work your ass off. When you’ve got time, call me and tell me to come over. ”

    “The last thing I would do is commit to you, only to find out later that you don’t have time for me.”

    “Why would I need a monogamous relationship with someone who has no time for me? That’s doesn’t mean I’m intimidated. It means I’m smart.”

    “Notice when women want to postpone marriage, notice when women are ambitious, notice when women are avaricious, when they want to make money and be more & more successful, it’s “you go girl! that’s fantastic.”

    “And when guys are like that we’re selfish, we’re self-centered, all we care about is work, all we care about is ourselves? But isn’t it great when women want to become more educated, and they want to postpone marriage? That’s Fantastic. Men are little boys. They fear commitment, but when women want to postpone marriage, that’s great.”
    ____________

    Any thoughts or comments? I find it interesting.

  20. 81
    Evan Marc Katz

    You realize, Vino, that you’ve now stifled debate and scared off all the women? Good work!

  21. 82
    vino

    SORRY! Not intent at all!

    Thought the quotes were funny & worthy of discussion!

  22. 83
    cinnamon

    Vino,
    You said not everybody likes the style in which Leykis forwards his points. I guess I’m one of them.
    Could you put it in your own words?

  23. 84
    vino

    I guess I’d paraphrase it by saying that very successful, career-oriented women are poor choices for most guys for marriage or LTR’s because of several factors. I’d say they were time, attention (which goes with time, and other opportunities.

    Time – This article quote sums it up – Then theres the issue of time. Most highly successful people work crazy hours . . . The person Im trying to find is just as busy as I am, says Mohr, 29. If were both that busy, when is the time when were going to meet?”

    I’m a busy professional also. I don’t want to play a far, far second-fiddle to her 60-90 hours per week job. Because between my 60 hour a week job and hers, it’s just not worth it. Not to mention there’s never time for anything spontaneous. I also realize my work is an impediment also, BTW.

    Attention – I’d say this would also be likened to “quality time.” If when we are together, you are reading & sending emails, yakking on the phone, traveling tons for work, stressed from all of the work in general, discussing it with me in the few minutes we are together, tired from it every night….you can’t give me any quality attention, I don’t want to be with you.

    Other Opportunities – People who travel for work, or who work in jobs that demand long hours in and out of the office for socialization are exposed to far greater opportunities for infidelity. I don’t have any statistical cite, but believe this to be true.

    If you even take the sex out of the Leykis comments, he has a point. I agree with that portion of his opinion, BTW. But for me, it comes down to this:

    If someone is so busy with work where it consumes them so much daily and it is clear that I am not going to be a priority for even an hour a day, then I deem her poor wife or girlfriend material. If I’m going to be the potential husband then I better damn well be the priority.

    I experienced this and vowed it would never happen again. I’m worth more.

  24. 85
    cinnamon

    Thanks, now I see where you’re coming from. Maybe I’m in a different cultural context, but I have not met many women whose work week comes up to 90hrs per week. I guess we must be talking about a very small fraction of women professionals.

    You can be both educated and professionally accomplished without letting your job take up 99,9% of your life. In my surroundings I can see many women who succesfully combine professional life and family. Therefore I’m very alarmed by statements like “men don’t like smart women”. If someone, a man or a woman, wants a committed relationship it could be SMART to find time and energy for it.

  25. 86
    vino

    Yes, it isn’t the issue of smart. It isn’t the issue of intimidating. It’s whether our needs, which I don’t think are many, are met. I don’t want to go out with someone dumb as a box of rocks…

    Because of the reasons I stated before I won’t go out with lawyers, or doctors or anything else where 75% or more of their waking hours is work. My preference. one many seem to share.

  26. 87
    cinnamon

    I also think for a big number of women the priorities naturally change as the relationship progresses and becomes more committed. Isn’t it the essence of the word committment?

  27. 88
    vino

    Maybe for some. But, the relationship is with work, not the guy…

  28. 89
    Selena

    Vino wrote:
    “If someone is so busy with work where it consumes them so much daily and it is clear that I am not going to be a priority for even an hour a day, then I deem her poor wife or girlfriend material. If Im going to be the potential husband then I better damn well be the priority. ”

    I feel the same way. Why would I want a boyfriend/husband who had no time for me? That would seem to be a *relationship* in name only. And I wonder also, why someone who spent so much of their life involved with their work would even seek a relationship? A status thing to tell their colleagues? If you don’t have time to have a close, intimate relationship with someone you love, why bother?

  29. 90
    RSL

    This discussion strikes me as very interesting- and a little concerning. I am 28-year-old single woman and am currently working on a PhD. In all honesty, for a long time I’d hoped that this time of my life would be spent buidling a relationship and beginning a family in the next few years. But, that’s not how things worked out, so I’ve made the best of it and pursued a career that I may not have otherwise. Although I work hard, when I am finished, I will be in a position to have some flexibility in choosing a job, and plan on choosing one that won’t comsume my life because I would like to have plenty of time for a marriage and family. However, at this point, although it’s not all-comsuming, I certainly work hard and long. Vino, a comment like your concerns me- that you won’t date lawyers and doctors- because I wonder how many men are writing me off in much the same way because of my current position. How can I portray that although I work hard and love what I do, I do not plan on it always being the center of my life? Especially in online dating situations or others where I am just getting to know someone? It’s a bit discouraging…

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