Why Hot Guys and Girls Are Like Red Meat – They Will Kill You in the Long Run

Last week, I got a call from a distraught woman named Michelle. Early 40′s, attractive, intelligent, funny – and utterly demoralized by this guy that she’d been seeing. They had a passionate first month, and then, after one awkward conversation, he pulled away. But not fully. He would still send her regular texts saying that he missed her – although he didn’t actually DO anything to make plans with her.

Since Michelle knew a lot about nutrition, I decided to communicate with her in metaphors she’d easily understand. I told her that the super-attractive guys with whom she felt the most chemistry were like fried foods – they may taste really good, but, in the long run, they’re really bad for you.

Having read my advice before, Michelle set up a coaching call to find out how she could get this guy back.

Since Michelle knew a lot about nutrition, I decided to communicate with her in metaphors she’d easily understand. I told her that the super-attractive guys with whom she felt the most chemistry were like fried foods – they may taste really good, but, in the long run, they’re really bad for you.

Her immediate reaction was to protest, “But nice guys are so boring!”

“So are vegetables,” I said. “But if you want to live a long, healthy life, you can’t do better than eating healthy. If you think that you’re going to be the one person who doesn’t get heart disease on a steady diet of bad food, you’ve got another thing coming.”

She laughed. “But I LIKE bad food.”

“EVERYBODY likes bad food,” I reminded her. “But if you want to know the main reason that you’re single, it’s because you keep on eating steak every night and are continually shocked that you don’t lose weight. Steak is always gonna be bad for you. Hot, emotionally unavailable guys will, too.”

That conversation was four days ago.

Here’s what Michelle wrote to me this morning:

Hello Evan;

I cannot begin to tell you what a difference our conversation has made in my life. I am so extremely grateful to you. I walked into two of my clients’ houses yesterday and they said, “What’s his name?” because they said I was glowing and luminous. They’ve only seen me look like that before when I was infatuated with a new man. But I now feel this way because a huge weight has been lifted and I have a new path and outlook for my future. Do you have any idea how HUGE that is? I hope I just gave you the compliment of the year because that is BIG stuff; to make that kind of a difference with one phone conversation. And I’m a tough sell… so take the compliment :)

“I just can’t even tell you. I’m a new person. You got through like know one else has ever been able to.”

I’ve already made changes and “cleaned house”. There are a couple of guys that still text me that before talking to you, I would occasionally go out with, simply because they’re hot and funny, but they have big problems I overlooked before. I’m no longer going to date them.

I have several men that I didn’t give a chance to, simply because I didn’t think they were sexy enough. I’m reconnecting with them. Last night I started talking to a guy who seems GREAT and is handsome, funny and seems really sincere. Prior to talking to you, I wouldn’t have gone out with him simply because he is 5′ 8″. I now think that’s silly and I’m definitely going to go on a date with him.

I just can’t even tell you. I’m a new person. You got through like no one else has ever been able to. I’m sure I’ll need another session soon, just to make sure I get on the right track with the next guy I date… but you showed me that my only problem has been chasing “lust”, not life partners.

xoxo

Michelle

This email literally brought tears to my eyes. Such a radical change – in just one phone call!

I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to produce breakthrough results for special women and men who want more power and control over their love lives.

So if you’re confused about the current state of your relationship… if you wonder whether you’re investing time in the right partner or wasting time with the wrong one…if you are concerned that time is passing and you’re no closer to happiness than you were a year ago, don’t hesitate.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/

Alas, coaching is not free. If you want free advice, you can go read my blog archives.

But if you’re smart and serious about love – and have had the same issues with dating and relationships over and over and over again, coaching is the best investment you could ever make.

Just ask my newly empowered friend, Michelle.

Talk to you soon.

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Steve

    My comment got lost in the switch over to the new blog ( nice! ) so I am posting it again.

    In these conversations people always confuse being an insecure guy with being a nice guy. Women do like the latter quality, they just find the former quality to be a turn-off.

    This essay is a bit of a rant, but it can help many people:
    http://tinyurl.com/insecurenotnice

    BTW, anyone who knows anything about cooking knows that vegetables make some of the tastiest dishes around:
    http://www.chooseveg.com/vegan-recipes.asp

    Almost on a weekly basis some new study is published about finding some near magical health giving property of produce.

    FYI, poultry and even some types of fish have just as much, if not more cholesterol than red meet when those foods are measured by calorie.

    End of sermon ( sorry, I just had to say it )

  2. 2
    Steve

    Post #1. Sorry about the typo. Not a deprived coffee drinker or blonde. Just got a weird minor neurological thing somewhere.

  3. 3
    Kathy

    Yup – Evan you’ve been telling me the same thing for years. I finally got it. Funny how common sense is not always so common. Your advise is amazing, sometimes sobering, but always dead on!

  4. 4
    Kathy

    Nother thing – Hot guys are not always really so hot. And diamond in the rough guys are often much hotter in reality. Sort of the same as fast food that you cook quickly – compared to something that you simmer over time. :)

  5. 5
    starthrower68

    The really hot, conventionally handsome guys don’t do too much for me. For example, I think Keanu Reeves is gorgeous, but if I had a roll in the hay with him, I’d want him to keep his mouth shut. I prefer a man with whom I can form a mental and intellectual connection, which in term makes him more attractive to me. For me, a good conversationalist is hot.

  6. 6
    Lance

    Haha, I love the fact that she admitted she wouldn’t date a 5’8″ dude because he was too short. Typical chick logic. Glad she say the light.

  7. 7
    Sayanta

    I actually can’t speak around super super hot men- if I met Matthew McConaughey (sp?) for example, I’d probably swallow my tongue.

  8. 8
    Kenley

    It’s so funny that you mention Matthew because I just saw his new movie yesterday, and throughout the entire movie I was thinking I just don’t know why so many women think he’s so hot!

  9. 9
    A-L

    Kenley
    A Time to Kill. Though I will say he’s grown less attractive to me over the last several years. But still a very nice specimen of a man. :)

    Evan
    Will the other comments from this thread ever make it to the new domain?

  10. 10
    hunter

    EMK is right, it has been my experience, very attractive women can be arrogant.

  11. 11
    Sayanta

    A-L, Kenley-

    You’re right guys- his hair’s just not attractive anymore, at least in this movie. The Matthew I have in my mind is Time to Kill. ;-)

    But he looked pretty damn fine in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

  12. 12
    A-L

    I can definitely sympathize with the high chemistry weakness, as I have a bit of it myself. So in trying to strike a balance between chemistry and compatibility, what should the tipping points be? If you’re below an 8 in either then it’s a no-go? Or so long as both add up to 16 (in any combination) then it’s a go? Or?

    Because I don’t think anyone here is proposing that someone marry an eh, I guess s/he is halfway doable (which I would categorize as a 4-5). So if we’re saying we want more than this, but are not requiring the slam you against the wall and reach the heights of ecstasy (a 10), then where’s the appropriate middle ground?

  13. 13
    mic

    It’s kind of galling how Michelle has been operating. Evan, you ought to do a blog entry in a few months on how well that has worked out. After all, some amount of physical attraction is needed.

    Hot people do tend to be dangerous, research confirms, because they’ve constructed some of their own attractiveness and are in high demand. If you can get a highly attractive person and can offer enough in return for it to last, that’s fine, but Michelle seems to be realizing that that won’t work for her. Food for thought: maybe there’s a point (age) at which the particularly attractive people left who aren’t committed to long-term relationships are mostly those who are style over substance and are unlikely to improve much underneath.

  14. 14
    Sayanta

    lol- Evan, I knew you were going to say that in response to my ladykiller comment.

  15. 15
    Juju

    I think physical attraction is extremely important. Not just eh, I guess s/he is halfway doable, but actual lust.
    I reached a point with my ex-husband after only five years of being together where I no longer wanted to have sex with him. No matter what he did, I just didn’t feel anything.

    I realize that no matter how beautiful, one and the same person won’t turn you on indefinitely, but five years is really nothing if we are talking about building a life and a family together. I do believe you would fare better if you merge with someone who is more your type to begin with.

    Looks just can’t be the only criterion – but that goes without saying.

    And oh, this strong attraction, obviously, has to be mutual.

  16. 16
    Melissa

    Diana wrote: She is choosing these men based on her own flaws and that will require more work than choosing another guy she wouldn’t have been all that interested in simply because he’s 5? 8?.

    Michelle here. I don’t agree with your conclusion that my tendencies to choose men based on lust versus choosing men with my head makes me innately flawed nor do I feel that it means I’ve got a long tough road ahead of me. In fact, I feel this process is about to get A LOT easier because my eyes are wide open now.

    I feel all that has happened is that online dating has spoiled me a bit and brought out a superficial side in me like a kid in a candy store that I am going to try to put a lid on, because I wasn’t always this way (my daughter’s father is 5-7?)

    And now I’m going to start looking at character ABOVE animal instinct. It doesen’t mean that I think it will happen overnight either; or that I won’t be secretly attracted to tall tatooed boys who know how to pull the back of your hair just right and pin you against the wall and leave you so breathless you can’t even remember your name LOL :-) (okay, maybe it will take awhile ha, ha.)

  17. 17
    casualencounters.com/blog

    Extraordinarily attractive people of both genders often get through a goodly portion of their lives on their looks. This can lead to them not really developing much as people. Scratch the surface and you find more surface.

    Exceptions definitely exist, but I’ve seen it enough times to feel pretty comfortable making the generalization. Disagree?

    casualencounters.com/blog’s last blog post Paid adult dating site review – ALT.com

  18. 18
    Roger

    I disagree that Hot dates are unhealthy. I agree that using hotness as the primary selection criteria is a mistake. For me, the MOST IMPORTANT CRITERIA are based on the qualities that relate to a person’s long-term relationship prospects.

    That said, Why not pick someone who is really hot for the long haul? There are many passionate partners who are also honest, caring, and committed. Finding one who has both heat and long-term love skills is much more rare, but you only need one at a time-a handful in a lifetime. Why not hold out for what you most want?

    Roger

  19. 19
    Karl R

    Roger said: (#1)
    Why not pick someone who is really hot for the long haul? There are many passionate partners who are also honest, caring, and committed.

    For every one person like that, there are a thousand people who are trying to date him/her. And each one of those people who is honest, caring, committed and really hot well they also want someone who is honest, caring, committed and really hot. And unlike me, they have a very good chance of getting someone who is all that (once they weed through the other 999 suitors).

    Most of us can manage to get someone who is about our equal. They may be a little better in some areas and a little worse in others, but we can decide if those differences are a reasonable trade-off.

    That’s why the most reasonable advice for attracting better people is to become better yourself (become fit, gain self-confidence, pursue interesting hobbies, learn new skills, treat people nicer, etc.)

    On a separate matter, Evan has previously referred to internet dating as a flawed medium. I think this topic touches on one of those areas. I can learn more (important) information about someone within the first few minutes of observing her in person than I can by reading the average profile.

    In the absence of these observations, I put too much emphasis on the pieces of information that I do have particularly the photos. That’s one reason I prefer to date offline. My own selection criteria is better.

  20. 20
    Steve

    Somebody is going to bring the point up, so it might as well be me. Women do like nice guys. They don’t link insecure guys.

    Why Nice Guys are often such LOSERS
    http://tinyurl.com/niceguys

  21. 21
    A-L

    Karl R wrote, On a separate matter, Evan has previously referred to internet dating as a flawed medium. I think this topic touches on one of those areas. I can learn more (important) information about someone within the first few minutes of observing her in person than I can by reading the average profile.

    I both agree and disagree with this statement. I agree that the average profile gives little information about someone. I’d say that’s about the same amount of information that you have when a random person asks you out in real life, which is rather little. It’s why I don’t particularly care for random pickups or for average profiles.

    But the profiles that I tend to respond to or initiate with? Those are the ones that you get a decent sense of who the person is which gives you something to go on while communicating and helps to build a rapport between the two of you before ever going out, which makes your dates more successful. I guess this is just me saying that online dating success can be improved dramatically by having a good profile. And Evan’s never said that before ;)

  22. 22
    Sayanta

    You’re pretty hot, Evan. So this means you’re a ladykiller? ;-)

    Seriously though- if someone had written a blog post stating Stay away from ugly people- they make bad dates, would that not be VERY offensive? But somehow, it’s okay to make a mass judgment about an entire population of people because hey- everyone hates beautiful people, right?

  23. 23
    Sayanta

    Sorry for the consecutive post- I promise this is the last time I’ll do it:

    Unattractive guys aren’t necessarily wonderful boyfriends- some of of them are very insecure about their looks and take their insecurities (read: emotional abuse) out on their girlfriends. So it boils down to this: Eff the generalizations and look beyond the face, whether it’s a pretty or ugly one.

    PS- Negative energies like anger, hatred, jealousy, and arrogance make their mark on people’s faces. Sometimes, a pretty (quotes because I strongly believe that term is relative) face can mean you’re dealing with a person at peace with himself, and who takes care of himself. THAT’s the guy you want.

  24. 24
    casualencounters.com/blog

    The easiest way to achieve happiness is to lower your expectations.

    casualencounters.com/blog’s last blog post Paid adult dating site review – ALT.com

  25. 25
    Evan Marc Katz

    If your take away from this post was avoid hot people instead of don’t base your entire relationship on looks and chemistry, then I haven’t done a good job of communicating. Maybe next time.

    And yes, Sayanta, I kind of was a ladykiller when I was dating prolifically. And that’s why I’m a helluva dating coach – I explain to women the psychology of guys like me

  26. 26
    Selena

    I’ve found both steak and spinach to sometimes be rancid after the package has been opened.

  27. 27
    searchingwithin

    I also read into this post to stay away from hot people, they are trouble with a capital T, and I was also going to bring up that based on your photo on this site, you are quite the hottie, unless of course like so many others, the photo is not you, or a very old one. Not all good looking people are in a constant hunt for ego strokes.

    Your comment cleared it up. So many people, it seems, have not set up any standards, requirements, and boundaries, and by that I don’t mean physical characteristics, but values and character characteristics, and they hop head first into disaster by basing their requirements on superficial things.

    searching within s last blog post Seeking Validation and Love Through Men’s Approval

  28. 28
    Roger

    I agree with Karl: And unlike me, they have a very good chance of getting someone who is all that (once they weed through the other 999 suitors).

    I think my definition of hot is different from the way it is being used in Evan’s article and the discussion. I look for a hot lover who carries the passion far beyond the usual first few months. This has little to do with looks and not much to do with immediate chemistry. Since it is nearly impossible to pick out from a profile, the only solution is to look for women with great relationship skills, enthusiasm, and creativity. That way, by the time we’ve invested enough in the relationship that it is appropriate to have sex, how ever it turns out is great.

    I did learn to avoid the overtly hot early on in my dating. Example: cheerleaders. They were strongly ego-invested in the look and the role and had tons of guys trying to date them the classic trophy date. Plus they were so busy managing the hair, skin, clothes and physique that they genuinely did not have the time to build a serious relationship.

    Roger

  29. 29
    Diana

    There are hot and not so hot emotionally available and unavailable men. Any individual can be the equivalent of fried foods or veggies, regardless of appearance. And the term hot is relative, too. She is choosing these men based on her own flaws and that will require more work than choosing another guy she wouldn’t have been all that interested in simply because he’s 5? 8?.

  30. 30
    Sam

    Isn’t four days a little early for Michelle to be evaluating her new dating strategy? As someone who is 5?8 I’m happy she’s giving my height class a chance, but she’s being too quick to generalize. Has she even met the guy in person?

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