Why Hot Guys and Girls Are Like Red Meat – They Will Kill You in the Long Run

Last week, I got a call from a distraught woman named Michelle. Early 40’s, attractive, intelligent, funny – and utterly demoralized by this guy that she’d been seeing. They had a passionate first month, and then, after one awkward conversation, he pulled away. But not fully. He would still send her regular texts saying that he missed her – although he didn’t actually DO anything to make plans with her.

Since Michelle knew a lot about nutrition, I decided to communicate with her in metaphors she’d easily understand. I told her that the super-attractive guys with whom she felt the most chemistry were like fried foods – they may taste really good, but, in the long run, they’re really bad for you.

Having read my advice before, Michelle set up a coaching call to find out how she could get this guy back.

Since Michelle knew a lot about nutrition, I decided to communicate with her in metaphors she’d easily understand. I told her that the super-attractive guys with whom she felt the most chemistry were like fried foods – they may taste really good, but, in the long run, they’re really bad for you.

Her immediate reaction was to protest, “But nice guys are so boring!”

“So are vegetables,” I said. “But if you want to live a long, healthy life, you can’t do better than eating healthy. If you think that you’re going to be the one person who doesn’t get heart disease on a steady diet of bad food, you’ve got another thing coming.”

She laughed. “But I LIKE bad food.”

“EVERYBODY likes bad food,” I reminded her. “But if you want to know the main reason that you’re single, it’s because you keep on eating steak every night and are continually shocked that you don’t lose weight. Steak is always gonna be bad for you. Hot, emotionally unavailable guys will, too.”

That conversation was four days ago.

Here’s what Michelle wrote to me this morning:

Hello Evan;

I cannot begin to tell you what a difference our conversation has made in my life. I am so extremely grateful to you. I walked into two of my clients’ houses yesterday and they said, “What’s his name?” because they said I was glowing and luminous. They’ve only seen me look like that before when I was infatuated with a new man. But I now feel this way because a huge weight has been lifted and I have a new path and outlook for my future. Do you have any idea how HUGE that is? I hope I just gave you the compliment of the year because that is BIG stuff; to make that kind of a difference with one phone conversation. And I’m a tough sell… so take the compliment :)

“I just can’t even tell you. I’m a new person. You got through like know one else has ever been able to.”

I’ve already made changes and “cleaned house”. There are a couple of guys that still text me that before talking to you, I would occasionally go out with, simply because they’re hot and funny, but they have big problems I overlooked before. I’m no longer going to date them.

I have several men that I didn’t give a chance to, simply because I didn’t think they were sexy enough. I’m reconnecting with them. Last night I started talking to a guy who seems GREAT and is handsome, funny and seems really sincere. Prior to talking to you, I wouldn’t have gone out with him simply because he is 5′ 8″. I now think that’s silly and I’m definitely going to go on a date with him.

I just can’t even tell you. I’m a new person. You got through like no one else has ever been able to. I’m sure I’ll need another session soon, just to make sure I get on the right track with the next guy I date… but you showed me that my only problem has been chasing “lust”, not life partners.

xoxo

Michelle

This email literally brought tears to my eyes. Such a radical change – in just one phone call!

I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to produce breakthrough results for special women and men who want more power and control over their love lives.

So if you’re confused about the current state of your relationship… if you wonder whether you’re investing time in the right partner or wasting time with the wrong one…if you are concerned that time is passing and you’re no closer to happiness than you were a year ago, don’t hesitate.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/

Alas, coaching is not free. If you want free advice, you can go read my blog archives.

But if you’re smart and serious about love – and have had the same issues with dating and relationships over and over and over again, coaching is the best investment you could ever make.

Just ask my newly empowered friend, Michelle.

Talk to you soon.

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Melissa

    To Roger and Sayanta

    Michelle here. Although the title of this blog reads hotness and a lot of people are reading the message as being avoid good looking people you’re attracted too that was never what he was saying to me. The point he was hitting home for ME was that I was trying to create relationships off of that euphoric toe-curling, head in the clouds chemistry HIGH that some men can bring out in me and he was making me recognize my ADDICTION to those guys; to the extent that I OVERLOOK red flags and big deal breakers that everyone is able to see but me, because I’m in la-la land with my high. It has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with that chemical reaction that often blinds me to things I shouldn’t overlook.

    The way Evan so eloquently put it to me was You’re taking someone where the chemistry is a 10 and the compatability is a 4 and trying to turn it into a working relationship. He challenged me to ask myself if this was the first time I had done this, and the answer was a resounding NO I had based the decision almost in its entirety to keep seeing someone because of the feeling they gave me, and not on anything that would make me happy or content in the long run.

    As you said Roger, you look for attraction AND for someone who has long term qualities I had developed a blind spot at discerning what long term qualities I need to be looking for, because I just wanted the roller coaster ride. Now I have a new approach.

    Mic – you’re right. I have been going about it the wrong way; which is why I needed someone to put me on a course of action that is better suited for my long term happiness. Evan started me off with a few basic guidelines that I haven’t been doing; such as going on a date once a week and using a more cerebral and less organic thought process, so that’s what I’m doing (And I’ve got a date this Sunday ;-)

    Sam – I don’t think it’s too soon because I was ready to receive the information! I recognized everything I had been doing wrong, listened attentively to the advice that he gave me with all my defenses down and its like a switch went off and a new door has opened. Sometimes I think it CAN happen like that for people. And I never said I thought it would work out with the 5-8? guy and we’d live happily ever after but I recognize my own criteria of superficiality I’ve been using and I’m lucky enough to have options, so no I don’t think its to soon to feel that I have been changed from coaching. I know what I need to do now. but I will let you know ;-)

  2. 32
    hunter

    Roger, while at the university, I remember seeing a cheerleader with plain, average looks and dateless, until she met me.

  3. 33
    hunter

    Selena, steak and spinach? How funny!..

  4. 34
    Karl R

    mic said:
    “maybe there’s a point (age) at which the particularly attractive people left who aren’t committed to long-term relationships are mostly those who are style over substance and are unlikely to improve much underneath.”

    Like most generalizations, that one just doesn’t work.

    People (regardless of attractiveness or internal qualities) are available or unavailable at all ages for many reasons. An attractive woman could get divorced and be available again. An attractive woman could let her career consume her life for a decade (or more) before deciding that she really wants to find someone to share her life with.

    Maybe she even ended up in a string of relationships with guys who were style over substance before realizing that wasn’t working for her.

    It’s impossible to make intelligent assumptions why someone is still available without getting to know them first.

  5. 35
    HoneyDew

    One person’s 10 is another person’s 5 or 3…so it’s silly to get too wrapped up in that.  Just as silly as preconceived notions that that 10 is shallow or empty.  People are people, period, I’ve found people will respond according to how they are treated, and if you approach someone with preconceived notions about their character based on your perception of their looks, well, who’s the shallow one then?  Touche’ 

  6. 36
    Clare

    I suppose I have an easier time of it, because very hot guys do absolutely nothing for me. And if a guy “knows” he’s hot, that makes him pretty unattractive to me. It just gives me the jibblies :) I just find self-absorption and so-called “perfect” looks such a turn-off.
     
    I just am genuinely much MUCH more attracted to guys on the normal side of attractive, so I have to agree with HoneyDew in # 35 that attractiveness is a very subjective thing anyway.

  7. 37
    Maddy

    Funny, how no one ever tells men that the hot girls they’re chasing are bad for them. That they have to lower their aesthetic standards if they want a girl who isnt a “psycho bitch”. Us women have to make compromises so the average guy can get the supermodel, while still behaving like the emotional manipulator that all men naturally are. The difference between ugly girls and ugly guys is that ugly girls are nice, whereas ugly guys still have the ego of the handsome guy. Which typically surfaces some months later after they have successfully made the woman their personal doormat. At least with h

    1. 37.1
      Steve

      Maddy,
      I can’t agree with your opinion as you are making a very significant (over)generalization about MANY people.
      Your comment came off as very bitter.  Maybe you have been hurt, haven’t gotten over it and could benefit from talking to someone.
      Sometimes it is hard to be brief on the internet without coming off as rude.
      No disrespect intended to you and my apologies if you feel that way.
      Seriously, talk these ideas and feelings over with someone if you can.
      Steve

    2. 37.2
      Steve

      Funny, how no one ever tells men that the hot girls they’re chasing are bad for them.
      People do, I’ve heard.  Evan does too, but you might not notice him since his service and his site mostly caters to women seeking dating advice.

  8. 38
    Maddy

    The difference between ugly girls and ugly guys is the ugly girls are nice people, while ugly guys have worse personalities than handsome men. All men are the same, namely emotional abusers who are looking for a doormat that caters to all their needs. Why not choose the hot guy so you at least are getting sexed by an attractive man as opposed to an average guy with an inferiority complex and an ego that doesn’t match his looks. 

  9. 39
    starthrower68

    I don’t think that is necessarily true.  I think that no matter what one looks like, each personality is unique.  And, rightly or wrongly, maybe “ugly” men are reacting out of a place of hurt and rejection.  I think we have all done that at times.  We can agree the world is not always a kind place, but particularly to those whom society deems as least attractive or worthy somehow.  While we are not required to fall in love with those we are not attracted to, we can at least show them compassion and understanding toward them.  It might just plant a seed and help them grow and it surely doesn’t hurt us to be kind. 😊

    1. 39.1
      Steve

      Hey starthrower68,
      I haven’t been participating in the blog for a few years.  I got a subscription notice for this thread when Maddy posted so I came here.   Nice to see your name.   I fondly remember many of your comments.   I like this one too, it makes sense.
      Happy Tuesday
      Steve

      1. 39.1.1
        starthrower68

        Thank you Steve!  I just hope to plant a few seeds that bear some good fruit. 😃

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