Why Won’t He Take Steps To Finalize His Divorce?

I have been with someone for six months. He and I are very compatible and have a great time together. He has two kids who I’ve grown to adore. The only problem is that he’s still married. 

He’s been separated from her for three years (she cheated on him). He wants a divorce from her and she’s a massive pain to him, but he just won’t take the steps to begin his divorce. Until recently, he was still paying her bills on top of his own (she refuses to get a job because she’s a “musician.”) She has custody of the kids and all he can talk about is getting custody of them, but I can’t get him to begin to take the steps he needs to go through to get to what he wants.

On top of this, any time I bring it up, he accuses me of being worried he wants to go back to his wife. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just want him to be happy and it is obvious to me that he’s not happy in his current situation. Please help me. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I love his children. I just want him to take the steps towards being legally separated from her. -Caitlin

There’s absolutely nothing preventing your boyfriend from getting a divorce.

Your question reminds me of one I got a year ago, in which a man wrote in that his girlfriend wanted him to get a divorce, but he wouldn’t because he was on his wife’s healthcare. In that instance, I sided with him. He was clearly in love, but he was caught between a rock and a hard place, because getting married would cost him tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills.

It was one of the rare instances in which the majority of my readers disagreed with me. And while I haven’t changed my position one bit, it’s always stuck in my craw that I couldn’t get more people to see his point of view.

And that’s why I chose your dilemma, Caitlin. Because while your situation is similar, there’s a very important distinction that tilts my sympathies in your favor:

There’s absolutely nothing preventing your boyfriend from getting a divorce.

In the previous case, a divorce wouldn’t benefit the man at all. In your case, a divorce would free him officially from his ex and allow him to start over with a clean slate.

So that begs the question: why would a man who has been separated for three years from the wife who cheated on him NOT want to divorce her?

Beats the hell out of me.

Which is why your question is better directed towards HIM than yours truly.

I can’t omnisciently declare what’s going through the minds of all men, especially when it’s not clearly rational.

The best source of clarity, therefore, would be your boyfriend.

When he says, “You’re afraid I’m going back to my ex,” and you say, “No, I’m not. I’m afraid that if you never get divorced, we’re never going to get married,” you’ve ended his false line of reasoning and put the ball back in his court.

Now, instead of letting him wiggle out of it with another non-answer, nail him down and get an answer to the following $64,000 question:

I can’t omnisciently declare what’s going through the minds of all men, especially when it’s not clearly rational.

“Why don’t you initiate divorce proceedings and get legal shared custody of the kids? What’s holding you back?”

You may learn that he’s financially dependent upon her.

You may learn that he still hopes to get back together one day.

You may learn that a divorce will cost him a lot more money in alimony than he wants to pay.

You may learn that the status quo is fine and that a divorce may hurt the amount of time he has with the kids.

Or you may just realize that he’s a doormat – a man who is willing to pay the bills for his cheating ex-wife and play entirely on her terms.

No matter what you learn, Caitlin, at least you’ll get some clarity moving forward.

And if marriage is your endgame and he’s not playing, it’s time to walk.

17
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Comments:

  1. 31
    Kate Candy

    Thank you, Goldie.  Most people will agree with you.  As for an LTR, I think someone posted that women are more leery of men being separated than women being separated.  All I can say is that my getting a divorce would be painful. I can avoid that pain.  People are really freaked out by this.  I think people do not like ambiguity.  One should be married or divorced or single.  But as I say to the guys I date, I would still be friends with my ex even if we divorced.  We are not trying to get back together.  I think male-female friendship is difficult for people to understand.  On some visceral level, people do not want my ex and I to be close friends.  Everyone is confused by this.  I think if people were a bit more open-minded, relationships could flourish.  Women want to possess men.  They want to be the only female influence on men, so they limit their men’s interaction with other women.  My ex’s girlfriend does not want him to spend time with me.  He still does.  I’ve told him that he shouldn’t lie to her; he says he’s not, but I think she’s made such a fuss that he avoids being truthful with her. 

    And this is important to women who read this blog.  Men will do what they want. My ex wants to see me.  He does not want to sleep with me.  That’s why we separated.  So he meets me for lunch and coffee before he goes home.  His girlfriend will be away for part of the summer and we’re planning our 4th of July barbecue.  People who read this might be outraged.  People will think my ex is a jerk.  But he’s not.  Relationships are complicated.

    People want things in neat black and white rows and columns.  The OP that started this thread wants her boyfriend to divorce.  That will make everything better.  If only, he were divorced!  But then what?  This guy has character issues that will not be solved by him signing divorce papers.  The OP is not listening/hearing/interested in who the guy really is or what he really wants. She’s making decisions for him.  He’s not happy.  She’s not happy.  Bad.

  2. 32
    SS

    @Kate 31
    And this is important to women who read this blog.  Men will do what they want. My ex wants to see me.  He does not want to sleep with me.  That’s why we separated.  So he meets me for lunch and coffee before he goes home.  His girlfriend will be away for part of the summer and we’re planning our 4th of July barbecue.  People who read this might be outraged.  People will think my ex is a jerk.  But he’s not.  Relationships are complicated.

    A while ago, I might have been outraged, but a little bit of age and wisdom has led me to recognize that situations don’t always fit into neat little boxes.

    HOWEVER… there is still a lesson that people can learn from your experience and that of the letter writer, and it’s called knowing what you want.
    For example… when I was a never-married woman, I dated a guy who was separated (didn’t know this at first… he said he was divorced, but that wasn’t it). So many people said I should give him time, but I moved on after a few months and cut off contact with him. Why? Because I wanted to be married. I wanted someone who did not have lingering ties with an ex-wife and a complicated situation that had nothing to do with me. Women who don’t want to deal with other people’s complicated situations should not get involved with people in complicated situations.
     
    On the other hand, I know people who have been married before and are now divorced and not looking to marry again. They might enjoy dating and having a “companion,” but they don’t want to move in with that person, live day-to-day life with that person, etc. This person might be the perfect candidate to date a separated man or woman.
     
    But for all of the women I know out there who have never been married, want kids before it’s “too late,” etc., I don’t understand at all why they put themselves in a situation where they are dealing with a man who is not only not in position to really offer them that, but has no plans whatsoever to reduce contact with an ex-wife/wife and her family. And honestly, why should he just because YOU, a new prospect of six months or less, came along and want more?
     
    It’s best to leave a separated person alone if marriage is your goal.


  3. 33
    Shouraku

    I personally would not enter into a relationship with a separated person, and not because there exists the chance that they may go back to their spouse or be emotionally unavailable. Many people (like Kate Candy #31) are rational and have a good hold on their single life even though they are not divorced. Thus, I am not worried about what will happen if out relationship “doesn’t work out”, but I am worried about what will happen if it goes very well.
     
    My issue is with the legal state that a separated person is in. Separated people are still legally bound to another person. This means that (in many states) my partner’s ex receives protections like: partner sick leave, hospital visitation rights, automatic inheritance, etc.
     
    Lets say that our relationship is going exceptionally well, and we decided to purchase a house together. Then my partner is involved in a car crash and dies. Even if he left me his half of the house in his will, his ex can still contest it. I may have to pay to go to court and fight to prevent his ex from taking half of a house that should be mine. Or, say he lives but falls into a coma, I may have to deal with his ex having the legal right to take him off life support.
     
    Even if no tragedy ever befalls our happy relationship, I have no desire to risk being sued for alienation of affection and potentially be financially ruined because his “wife” suddenly decided to go crazy on us one day.
     
    And even if you decide to work as a couple, take precautions and work threw all these issues, there are still all the unknown factors that you cant account for until they fall into your lap, such as:
     
    Olivia Shelltrack and Fondray Loving, a couple of 13 years moved in with their two children and a third child from Olivia’s previous relationship. The city denied them an occupancy permit because its zoning laws prohibit more than three people unrelated by blood, marriage or adoption from living together. The family faced fines of up to $500 every week for living in their home without an approved occupancy permit.
     
    My heart goes out to people like Kate Candy and the man that Evan’s original article referenced. I hate to see good people be stuck in such a difficult position. But that does not change the fact that a LTR with a separated person would leave me in the role of “mistress” not “wife” as the law sees it. If the person were legally single then it would not be such a big deal, but the minute that you agree to be a mistress knowing that a wife is out there, then you are opening yourself up to all sorts of potential legal issues down the road, even if your partner is a saint and your relationship is exemplary.

  4. 34
    Nicole

    @Shouraku,
    I don’t think that you need to pity Kate Candy.  Her situation is one that has worked out perfectly b/c all parties involved are getting what they want.  If her ex’s girlfriend was Caitlin, it would be a different story, because Caitlin sounds like she’d like to get married and have kids.  So it’s not the same at all.

    If I was to guess, some of the people who are okay with a status quo of never being married to the person that they are seriously dating have already been married, had kids, etc.  Some are likely older and maybe have their own homes and routines.

    But for someone who wants to build a life with someone else, this would be an intolerable situation, and if Caitlin is in fact hoping to do that she needs to do what Evan suggested and move on if necessary. And the advice that she OWN her feelings and stop trying to hide them in altruism regarding her boyfriend’s feelings was spot on.  This affects her, and it’s okay if she admits it.

    Kate Candy sounds like she is dating men who are okay without ever getting married too.  But let’s not act like no men ever want to get married and are always okay dating separated women.  This isn’t really a gender issue, and we shouldn’t make it into one.  A man who wants to get married will want to date a woman who is legally available for that.  A man who doesn’t will be thrilled to be with a woman who possibly will never can ask for that.  But it’s not ALL men who consider permanent singlehood to be the best thing ever. 

    Add me to the list of people who skip over “separated” or even people whose first paragraph or two talks about how they just got divorced (and other overshares-amazing how many people think givng the history of a recently ended marriage will pull in the ladies).  Too soon.  Not for moral reasons, as some might suggest, but just b/c it’s unlikely that their end goal is going to match my end goal(and some of the oversharers are kind enough to admit it). And that is just a HUGE waste of time and energy for anyone. 

  5. 35
    Shouraku

    @Nicole #34

    Kate #29 said:

    Here’s why I don’t divorce: 1)  I was the defendant in a very ugly lawsuit.  I can’t deal with going to court again.

    Kate #31 said:

    All I can say is that my getting a divorce would be painful. I can avoid that pain.

    Part (NOT ALL) of her reason for not getting divorced is due to difficult legal situation(s) she has admittedly been threw in the past. To be perfectly frank, I do feel bad for people who have had to go threw that, though I am also happy that she has been able to do the very best with what she has.

  6. 36
    Amy

    He is clearly no over the wife, and the wife is not over him! Run while ya can sistah! And find somebody who is commited to you, you deserve your own future ex husband! Not somebody else’s!

  7. 37
    Christie Hartman

    Caitlin, you need to read Dating the Divorced Man. If I had a dollar for every time I got an email with a story like this one, I’d be sitting on a nice stack of cash. Why doesn’t he get a divorce? One of two reasons: he’s hoping to reconcile, or he’s too lazy to divorce because, deep down, he’s AFRAID of dealing with all the emotional and financial fallout that comes with it. Your best bet is to let him go and tell him to contact you when he’s taken real action and is moving forward. Don’t reinforce his lack of action.

  8. 38
    maria

    i have been with my boyfriend for 3 and half yrs. When i met him he said he is going to get divorced and he wanted to marry me. I believed him as he stopped seeing other different  women and stuck with me. we broke up 3 time by now and everytime he managed to convince me that he is going to get divorced and so many deadlines has passed. Now am pregnant 8wks and now he says he cant take a divorce as it will affect his 3 children with her and he doesnt want to marry me. Now he is completely avoiding me. Am planning to approach the court for the child maintainence support!!!!

    Believe me your boyfriend is never going to take a divorce. If you really think he loves you, you could try break up spells or black magic, etc,.. to make you convince that you have done everything  you could to make it work!!!!
    Good luck 

  9. 39
    Elle

    Caitlyn,
    It’s tough and I’m in the same boat. He found me online at a dating site and asked me out. I told him no because he was separated and not divorced. He pursued me to meet him and we did. He was completely honest about his situation and asked for a 2nd date and I said “no” again. But he ended up being my friend and then we fell in love. It’s been almost 6 months now. He and his extobe live hundreds of miles away from eachother, yet he’s waiting for her to file. We have a beautiful relationship. I’ve been introduced to his colleages, friends, and family. Yet when he’s visiting his kids he’s in the same house as his ex. He does call me from there but it bothers me. He and I have talked about how well we get along and he wants to marry me when his things are finalized. He bought me a ring also (not engagement) as a commitment type. I’m very happy, however in the back of my mind, I wonder how this will all work out. He’s been afraid to push it on his end because of the kids and he doesnt’ want to look like the bad guy. But I did tell him I love him very much but if he doesn’t push it, I’m gone. I cannot get deeper and deeper into loving him with no permanent commitment. Even if we don’t marry, I would not feel right dating someone who is still married. What happens if something happens to him? Who do you think the police will contact – you? No, his wife!  What happens if she uses the kids to try to make him feel guilty to try to get back together or is jealous he now has a life with you and wants to get back together with him? See when they are with us, they are in “bliss” and when they are with their kids and dealing with their ex’s they are in the married land.. they cannot have both! I’ve already been married, went through a tough divorce, and don’t’ want to get heartbroken again. So I’m giving mine a time line to file (in the back of my mind, not telling him) and if he doesn’t I’m gone until he does. It hurts too much to be the “other woman” and not have him a 100% as a boyfriend or husband.. it will always be in the back of my mind. I agree with all the folks on here who says, if he really wants a divorce, he’ll get one. If mine wants one too, he will get one. He will loose a woman who really loves him if he doesn’t, me. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. I know how it is, when I was married and starting my divorce process my ex dated and so I did too. it’s so easy to go home and see your ex and kids and feel one way and then when your with your girlfriend another way. It’s darn hard though to deal with the legalities of it and so many put it off. I was strong enough not to as my marriage was bad, but if they get along ok and their are no major reasons to do it and not to upset the kids, well they may look at it is “why should I upset the apple cart”?  I wish you the best in your decision. I will be facing it myself too sometime soon if he does not get the ball rolling. I’m available and he isn’t.

  10. 40
    Clare

    I can’t claim to know what’s going on in this man’s mind. But not risking ending up in this kind of limbo scenario is one of the reasons I’d never get involved with someone who was separated, not divorced. If they have not actually taken the legal steps to break the tie between them, I just feel it’s safer not to go there as a third party.

  11. 41
    WomeninMass

    I will tell you your situation is not much different than mine. I dated a separated man and in the end I saved his life and he chose to be with his family over me.  Many men do not want to get a divorce or make it final. Now that I”m out of it im grateful that it’s over. It was painful to see him do all this stuff for his wife and not for me. He’d go and visit his kids and paint their house, go up for all the holiday weekends, and I’m wondering when he will file for his divorce and make it final so we could have a life.. one year and alot of sadness over it. My advice, leave him til he files. if he doesn’t he’s not as committed as you are. I saw it all come down when I saved his life and the wife showed up.. I was shoved to the side and all of a sudden I didn’t exist anymore and he told me it’s too much for me.. even though he wanted to marry me.. Men just want to have their cake and eat it too. I’ll never date a man unless he’s completely single and that includes emotionally and legally.. too much to be the woman on the side and waiting and waiting for nothing to happen! They should end something before they begin it with someone else!

  12. 42
    WomeninMass

    I”m the same woman who posted #39 and 41.. omg I forgot I posted it.. you can see how it all turned out for me! At the end he ended it.. didn’t want to get his divorce and chose the wife over me.. I knew if something happened to him it would. I’m a medium and I knew it anyways.. so glad im out of it.

  13. 43
    talia

    I’m in the same boat. The answer I get each time I ask where has the divorce got to and I’m met with ‘I’m sorting it – besides why’s a divorce so important to take place right this minute? My hearts with you, if I was unfaithful I could go back to her divorce or no divorce’.

  14. 44
    Kathleen

    If Caitlin went out tonight and picked up a guy in a bar she would have a 90% better chance of a romantic married future than with the still married guy she’s with

  15. 45
    Kay

    I just asked my married but separated boyfriend of three years why it hasn’t happened yet and was greeted with much anger that I asked. He told me he is done talking about it and if I don’t want to be in a relationship with a married man then go find a single one.  He claims he doesn’t have the money for a divorce but recently when a new tv was needed he signed a $2000 contract for a 64″.  I have 1/2 my possessions in his house and sometimes feel I should get up and go.  

  16. 46
    Rachel

    if the man is still married, RED FLAG, HELLO!!!!!!!!

  17. 47
    Rachel

    you are the woman that I would love to meet in person, you affect their children more then the couples itself. Really, I was 13 leaving a voicemail on womans phone crying telling how much she ruined my family. They’re married, seriously. Back off.

    you’re just explaining to eachother what he means…no the guy wants his family back, and the mother of their children back. He loves them and doesnt want to lose them….concentrate more being on some single men then the married ones. Really, there is assisting out there if they really want a divorce, but they will always love their children more then you and will always have the mother of their child on a pedastal.

  18. 48
    Red

    How do you all feel about being in a relationship with a man who HAS started the divorce proceedings and actually has filed for the divorce/dissolution of marriage? Asking because that is my situation at this time.

    1. 48.1
      JenMA

      I’m in the same situation you described.  I’ve been with him now for over 4 years, going back and forth from feeling foolish for staying, to being ok with it because I do love him.    He has started proceedings, but his wife is  making everything impossible.  She has lots of “medical issues”, is on disability and doesn’t work.  (medical issues in quotes because from what I’ve gathered she could work)   He pays the mortgage on their house- that he no longer lives in, pays her car payment, health insurance.. on and on it goes.   Part of the separation agreement is that she puts the house up for sale, but she has made no effort to do this.  Every court date nothing changes, things just get continued for another 3 months.    I know anyone reading this will think it’s ridiculous that I’m still with him, and they would be right.   I would be devastated to leave him, but I’m in a relationship that is a going nowhere.

  19. 49
    MonaBee

    A lot of advice says not to enter a relationship with a separated man. Trouble is, most woman looking for advice are right smack in the middle of a heart wrenching, bittersweet relationship. They love their separated man and wake up with a knot in their stomach and constant anxiety about the future. It really sucks. My bf was cheated on after 20 years of marriage. She moved out and bought a house. She got a lawyer and then they decided to go to mediation. Then they stopped and no one has got the ball rolling again. We’ve been dating a year. They are still married separated and living apart. A month ago I said its important he file. Month later. Nothing. I ask why and he says ‘I don’t know!!!’
    Like others have said. He’s the perfect man…if it weren’t for this. I want marriage. I’ve been divorced for 7 years. I’m ready. As painful as it is, I know I’m going to have to leave him soon. Here he has a second chance at happiness and blowing it. I’ll come back and tell u guys if I pull the trigger.

  20. 50
    Jan

    Unfortunately there is no good reason to be with a separated married man. I was also with one for 6 months. He was separated for 2 1/2 years and she cheated on him and moved in with her boyfriend. He was giving her money and said all the excusses in the book not to file for divorce. I told him from the start I wasn’t comfortable with it…he did nothing. But promised he would. Finally I said that’s it, I’m done and left. He begged and apologized and asked what he needed to do. I said get divorced. He still did nothing.

    In these situations you have to look at Your feelings and if a guy doesn’t do anything immediatly is isn’t going to!!! That’s a fact! It will not change! 

    I knew then he never had any intention of divorcing her and I was just an easy escape for him and I am mad at myself for getting in the situation and also at him because he is a selfish person. Probably why she cheated on him!  

  21. 51
    Amanda

    I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 in a half years. He wants a divorce, but does not want to pay for the whole thing.His ex only wants a divorce when she does not have a man in her life or no one supporting her. She goes through alot of men. She is now trying to go through my boyfriends mom. Plus she is calling me telling me that she just talked to my boyfriend. She even uses the kids as an excuse to talk and see him. My boyfriend does not fall for those games anymore like he used to. He is very happy with me. But he does not listen to when I tell him he needs to divorce her. He can pay for the divorce and have it in the divorce papers that she is to pay him for half for it. he thinks she will contest it. But they have gone to Family court several times over custody of the kids because she is never there for them and does not take proper care of them.  I understand that it may cost more if she contests the divorce, but there is a chance the judge won’t let her. She is only looking for someone to support her 200% and take care of the kids 100% of the time. I am not wanting my boyfriend to get a divorce because i want to get married to him, because it is not that way. I am very content in how our relationship is. I just want it to be over between them and get it through her head he don’t want her. This is a tricky situation to be in. Because no matter how much I pressure him, I always feel like the bad guy. My boyfriend has gone as far as to ask me if I was jealous. That ticked me off and hurt. I am not jealous of her. I am a much better person than she is. I take care of my kids and theirs. At that point, I almost said enough is enough. I ended up walking out making my oldest watch her sisters. I didn’t tell him I was leaving and I refused to text him for hours. He had to find out from my daughter that I had left, but she still wouldn’t tell him where I was. My daughter only told him that he had hurt me by the words he said to me. So being with someone that is still legally married, is not as easy as it sounds. So if you are thinking about getting with someone that is married, then do some research and make sure they want to get a divorce before you get involved. I thought I could deal with it, but I was wrong. The exes always interfere with your life. i am thinking about giving him another year to file, then if he doesn’t leave him, because this is all way too much. Not only did I get a man who does love me, but I got his ex too. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and his kids, just don’t like all the baggage that he is holding onto.

  22. 52
    candee

    I agree with Christie Hartman…
    In my case it was the latter of the two reasons. He was too afraid of the emotional and financial crap PLUS he was didn’t want to be the “bad guy” and be labeled as the one who wanted a divorce. Honestly that is a piss selfish excuse. He had been miserable in his marriage and his wife was too. But even tho she had agreed to separate first, he was too chicken to make the final move of filing for divorce. But in the end the wife called him out on him seeing me before they were separated. So SHE filed for the divorce. 
    He thought he was in the clear but in reality he hadn’t dealt or thought about what would happen when he needed to go thru the divorce process. Things between us became more of a convenience for him. He began to take things for granted. Spent a lot of time trying to protect hos ego and image. Slowly started to shun me away because in his own words he didn’t know how to face his family and friends about his divorce and I would be viewed as the problem.

  23. 53
    Jennifer

    My boyfriend hasn’t even filed uses the need money for lawyer excuse. I say u can file then get the lawyer but show me something.
    dont know why I bother I’m always upset and now it’s affecting our relationship 
    she owns a building he wants in the divorce but it doesn’t natter I told him u will have to sell eeverything in just heartbroken trust Iyet end this relationship 
    if he loved me nothing would stand in his way
    if he files and chases me I know it’s true

  24. 54
    Esmy

    I have been separated from my husband for five years, I have the money for the divorce but I just don’t need it.  He has had three girlfriends, and all have asked him to file and he doesn’t.  We don’t have any financial obligations to each other, we are both successful and have everything we need.  We had property and we agreed to leave it to my daughter and now she owns everything. He doesn’t bother me and I don’t bother him.  We live in different states and when either of us needs something we call each other. He helped me with my deposit for my new place, and paid my first months utilities, and he even paid for some of my gas and hotel stays when I was moving.  I know if I was his girlfriend I wouldn’t put up with it, but hey they are the ones who stay.  I know he doesn’t want to be with me because he tells me that I should find a good man. But I like my so called freedom, maybe the day I meet a good guy I will file. Until then it doesn’t affect me.

  25. 55
    Mel

    I have been w my spouse almost 6 years in march. I left him for a year under the condition he divorces and he didn’t. We have 4 year old twins together, I love his his kids. It was a mess from the beginning he lost his job, bk, then got another, and now what are the excuses? I never wanted more kids till I met him I love him and love our kids but I’m tired of feeling like a mistress I’ve been understanding he put his wife on his insurance and not me I gave up so much for him. I have a heart disease and other medical problem and I can’t even go get help 

  26. 56
    Yvonne R

    My spouse left me and states his reasons are he doesn’t like paperwork and don’t have $450 for closing costs. He does get money though. He could just be really lazy. But apparently not affecting him to the point like above posters have said. If he wanted one he would do it. No kids. No property and still makes a man lazy. 

  27. 57
    Kristina

    Oh how glad I am to have stumbled upon this website. Now I dont feel bad for him anymore for wanting to leave him. I do love him, but I just cant do this anymore. 3 years. When I first met him, we worked together. I knew he had a wife and kids, but he was very open about the fact that he had a miserable marriage, and told me he had been seperated for a while and it was over. We were friends first, I had no idea we would start dating, but we went out for drinks one night and well…it just happened, and then we grew closer and seriously spend every minute of the day together, 3 minutes later.

    Problem of course – no divorce. I hinted that I really wanted him to get a divorce. He wanted to go home with me for Christmas, I told him I’m not introducing a married man to my mother, although I have had to lie about the situation to her she would kill me if she knew.

    Then he also has 2 kids with this evil woman. I am a very insecure women. I have never been lucky with relationships, so Im torturing myself crying for hours every day, wondering why I am not good enough. His reasons for no divorce – The wife leaves him alone, he says its just a piece of paper, and he doesnt have the money for the cost and for child support. Although he gives his kids money all the time I dont get it. Also he used to have money – hell, he even bought his wife boobs, here I am with 32A’s lol. He somehow lost it all, through trying to open a business that failed etc. He now lives with me, pays absolutely nothing, not one dollar to help with rent. I even paid for half of his car ( he wanted a Mercedes even though he is broke, and I was stupid to help him pay for it.) I tell him we need a break at least, I have told him I want to end things, but he always comes back crying and he has no where to go. So I let him and I do love him, and we used to be happy, but I’ve waited so long. He threatened to kill himself the last time I told him I’m done. I dont know what to do, I miss him so much and cry when he is gone, but I am miserable when he is here. I told him I would give anything to have what that evil woman had, a family with him. At first I told him I didnt care about marriage and didnt want kids, but I was young and just wanted to be with him, so I told myself those things. Then I changed I wanted to get married, but obviously thats still not possible.

    Another side note – He is much older than me. I had never experienced a long term serious relationship before him. Here he is coming from a 20 year marriage. I cant get over how long that was. He also says that he doesnt do breaks, which is what I keep asking for. I know it is because he and the wife were seperated many times, but he wont even give 1 time and says he is moving far far away if he cant have me. I told him he could have, but he made the decision to push me away by not closing the door of his past.

    So out of hurt and anger and because I really dont love him the way I used to, I cheated. He still doesnt know, but thats another reason why this has to end. Because I’m falling for this other guy, who has never been married, no baggage, sweet sweet guy. But the road there is tough, because before I had never found someone I loved. But I cant have him to myself and I cant be happy with that. I can have better than this.

    1. 57.1
      tennillewade

      if you believe in God and religion I would say meeting this new guy is your way out. He’s totally available to you and you like and are starting to love him the other guy sounds like a loser extremely childish and very selfish. Put yourself first and move on to be happy. Even if things don’t work out with the new guy you cheated, if you wanna call it that, with at least you will know what being with a good guy feels like.

  28. 58
    Sarah

    I’ve been dating a man for six months who’s still married.  When we first met he told me his wife had filed for divorce and it should be final in “just a couple of weeks”.  I let it slide for about three months because I bought the story but then I started feeling some concern about the length of time it was taking and began to pester him about it.  After lighting a fire under him he told me he contacted her and that she would file the next week.  A couple of months go by and I take it upon myself to contact the court clerk and guess what???  She still hasn’t filed.  Frankly I’m about done with the excuses and am inches from bailing on this guy.  I love him dearly but my happiness is important and the situation is NOT making me happy.  He says he loves me and wants me in his life forever but if this were the case wouldn’t he be a little more proactive about this….maybe go track her down, retrieve the paperwork, and file it himself?  Who knows what rolls through the male brain when it comes to these things? He doesn’t live with her, have any children with her, own any property with her, pay any of her bills, and he says he doesn’t want to reconcile with her…..so it’s anybody’s guess.  My point here is to figure out how much you’re willing to put up with and then draw a line.  They say nice guys finish last….well nice girls don’t always fare that well either.  Life is short and the world is full of great guys!!  Don’t be a doormat or sell yourself short.  Best of luck

  29. 59
    getdivorcedwhenuleave

    I don’t agree with anyone on this forum.  It’s all twisted and ridiculous.  If you and your spouse leave each other and no longer wish to be together and feel that you can HAVE A GF OR A BF someday THEN DIVORCE! File for it at the very least! Saying you don’t plan on re-marrying or what have you shouldn’t be the reason for filing for a divorce.  It’s closure. Period.  Don’t be lame and stay for freebees like medical or dental or stupid crap that you can get on your own with a job- oh well if it costs more THAT WOULD YOUR PROBLEM.  Be a man, be a woman and do it for closure.  THEN FIND A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND WITH OUT TIES ON YOUR END AND/OR YOUR EX’S HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE for whatever reason.  EWWW NOT SEXY and VERY disrespectful to your new chica or chico.  GET IT STARTED AND GET IT DONE.  

  30. 60
    kay

    The man I date separated from his wife because she cheat on him got pregnant. The baby was born last June 2013 and he will be a year old coming up this June. She has no health insurance and use his health insurance.  He has no motivation of start the divorce. They still file tax together.  He claimed that he doesn’t have the money to file for divorce so he wait on her and she doesn’t want to divorce him.  First it bothered me but to the point that I don’t care because he doesn’t have the ball to file for divorce let it be. I just do what it is best for me and do my on things. Maybe the cheat was all his fault so he want continue to get use and be a doormate to her that’s his call.  Men like this type consider to be stupid and need to be use. I am sorry but that’s my opinion.  Men like this don’t deserve a good woman. 

    1. 60.1
      Sally

      Kay, don’t play yourself.  This man is confused!  There was no closure to his marriage. His wife (whom he might still love deeply) has cheated on him. The fact that up until recently he was paying her bills is a BIG RED FLAG! A man who pays a woman’s bills is certainly sleeping with her. …..
      Proceed with CAUTION!

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