Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

Okay, Evan, I agree mostly with your opinion on younger men/older women. What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman – physically that is, but why would a 28-year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more?

Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Beats the shit out of me.

I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships. Time creates wisdom – but it also creates responsibilities and complications – mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. It’s a lot easier for a man to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, wrinkle free 28-year-old, which is why so many men try to go in that direction. I’m not condoning this. I’m OBSERVING that it happens.

Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER?

Not many, I’m thinking.

Before any 40+ people get all hot and bothered about this – I am not judging you. There is nothing wrong with aging. I do think people improve with age (my 38-year-old girlfriend is nodding). But let’s not pretend that we, as a culture, don’t worship at the altar of youth. If you’re over the age of 40 and have ever said, “But I’m told I look five years younger than my age”, then you’re not immune to it yourself. But see, for men who covet younger women, it’s not whether you look good for your age – it’s what age you really are.

She doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40.

Because it’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. And nobody has more choices than a 28-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go on Match.com, and wade through a few thousand applicants. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s sexually peaking at 43.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world – to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood – that could make sense.

There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.

And yet, they probably resemble Penelope’s dad more than they resemble her brother….

This is the most compelling reason behind why younger women might go for older men: they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess – the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.

Most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

Hey, I’m no psychologist – just your friendly, neighborhood http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/. But I do know women, and lots of women in their 20’s. And the truth is that most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive. These women were born in the EIGHTIES. They grew up with computers. They’re contemporaries with Britney Spears. Whether we like it or not, there is nearly a full generation gap between 28 and 45. A few women may bridge this gap for lust or money or dimestore psychological reasons, but most of the women I know would prefer to date a great, stable 30-40 year-old – who also knows who Limp Bizkit is.

Okay, older men – tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

By the way, my girlfriend wants it on record that she would totally sleep with Harrison Ford if he should be reading this. So as a gift to both of them: Sure, why not? Happy 66th, Indy!

 

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Comments:

  1. 31
    JerseyGirl

    Lance, you should remember that Nina can’t possibly speak for all women. Yes, some women like dating older men, some women don’t. There has been evidence in the posting here where women have said they don’t want to date older, and there has been evidence that some don’t mind dating older. It’s kind of funny as soon as one posts that she does, you equate that to her speaking for all women.

    I don’t have a problem with older men/ younger women relationships or younger men / older women relationships. What I take issue with is that men somehow have this stigma against women where they think women are worth less for aging while men try primp themselves up as being better with age. It’s a crappy way to treat an entire gender. And those are the men that young or older women alike have to stay away from.

  2. 32
    JerseyGirl

    I also want to add that I am in my 20s and none of my friends date, or have an interest in dating older men. Most are in long term relatoinships with men near their age or within 7 years of each other.

    1. 32.1
      MINOAN

      People at you age adore justin bieber as well.
      What’s your point??
      One thing that i hate is moral lessons.
       
      Thanks.

  3. 33
    hunter

    Research and studies show, successful relationships have a 15 year age difference, the man is older. Women date younger men through out most of Europe common practice.

    1. 33.1
      Elle

      I have also found research that says a 7 year age gap, max, is ideal.  It is all relative and research is often bias. 

  4. 34
    Deathslayer

    What I take issue with is that men somehow have this stigma against women where they think women are worth less for aging while men try primp themselves up as being better with age.
    *
    What stigma? Ask yourself this, IF a man keeps himself in shape and develops maturity and respect, he can get young women, so what’ the problem.

    A woman who develops a FEMININE attitude, keeps herself in shape, and has a NICE personality can also get men interested.

    As I said in an earlier post…people are VISUAL…if you are older, have a nasty scowl, a mean personality, you’re not gonna get noticed.

    Men typically want women who are not battle hardened and still have some feminine charm…as a lot of women these days get older, they have never developed that and basically men say if I’m gonna deal with a woman, it’s best to get her at the peak of ripeness and freshness.

    It’s a crappy way to treat an entire gender. And those are the men that young or older women alike have to stay away from.
    *
    Thing is, will that stop women from complaining that they don’t have a man?

    23% of men are on a dating BOYCOTT…many women complain they can’t find a man even though a woman who looks and acts feminine has guys asking her out close to a 1000 times a year and somehow they CAN’T find a good men worth getting to know?

    Why blame the men? If women don’t want us to bother with them, then I’m sure we can find something else to occupy our time and women who WE can get to know.

    So far, women want the man to come up and talk to them, pay for the date, still love her when she ages, still respect her and desire her and not call out what men have known for ages…

    Now, I want EVERY guy here to ask this question:

    WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?

  5. 35
    hunter

    to Nina,

    Studies show younger women “bond” with older men.

  6. 36
    Michael Ejercito

    Things that men can find in relationship with a woman besides the three holes: laughter, companionship, intelligence, warmth, comfort, a family, a partner in building wealth, a caregiver, an ally, a buddy, another driver on long road trips.
    This is true.

    Of course, women should show they can offer something besides a hole or three, or else they will only hook up with men who are only interested in a hole or three.

  7. 37
    Lance

    @Jersey: My comment was tongue in cheek. Things were getting a little too serious around here. Seriously though, I’m of the “To Each His or Her Own” line of thinking. Young chick, older guy? Cool. Older chick, younger guy? Rock on sister.

    Also, can I get your number? ;)

  8. 38
    Mia

    If the rumours are anywhere near correct then is it not true that about half of all marriages end in divorce within the first 2-7 years? So who cares who is older or by how many years? It’s not like couples are actually growing old together any way. Til death do us part allegedly died decades ago. I say enjoy the limited time you have with whoever you are with. All this fuss about gregorian calender age differences are, in IMHO, moot.

  9. 39
    Steve

    Mia, a very intelligent point ( post 38 )

  10. 40
    Steve

    Lance;

    May I suggest that after incorporating what you learn from reading your pickup artist (PUA) books you go on to add your own experience to your beliefs and think for yourself? I mean no offense. Sometimes you sound like a new convert to a religion robotically repeating doctrine into whatever subject comes up.

  11. 42
    Lance

    @Steve: I’m only on month 16 of my PUA journey, so much of what I spout will sound like doctrine because I haven’t experienced enough to make innovative breakthroughs. Although, if you want the original stuff, read my blog. BTW, what doctrine do you subscribe too?

    1. 43.1
      Jessica

      You just made that up.

  12. 44
    Sara

    Tough topic, I’m impressed you took it on. This issue is a tricky one because its not the same for everyone. But if we just think about what drives most people (money, power, sex, beauty) we can make pretty accurate conclusions.

  13. 45
    vino

    There would be no need for viagra if all older guys had young chicas…

  14. 46
    hunter

    to Sara,

    You sound like a very smart, intelligent, well read woman.

  15. 47
    hunter

    To Michael Ejercito,

    You said, “Studies show that most studies are made up.” LOL!…..how funny!…

  16. 48
    hunter

    To deathslayer,

    What is in it for us men?……you seem to be well read, smart, and, very intelligent…..

  17. 49
    Hot Alpha Female

    You know I go with … “whatever floats your boat”.

    Some chicks like older guys. Some chicks like younger guys. Who am i to say anything? Each to their own.

    I can see why girls would want to go out with older guys though. Usually they just have more life experience, tend to be more dominant because of their age and prolly more mentally mature.

    I’m 20 n relatively mature for my age and i find people who are my age … just not there “with it” enough to me.

    With that said .. i still don’t think that i would date a guy who was 15 years older than me. But its all about personal choice

    Hot Alpha Female

    http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

  18. 50
    dadshouse

    Older men are better in bed. I’m in my 40s, and I can say from experience and conversation with women of all ages that men my age (or maybe it’s just me! lol) focus more attention on her pleasure. Younger men (20s) tend to focus on their own release. Even if they pleasure a woman, it’s to get something back in the form of them getting off. Older men know that helping a woman through multiple O’s raises the sexual energy for both partners.

    Any young hotties want to test out my theory? (grin)

  19. 51
    Raindreamer

    In my own experience there are several reasons younger women can fancy older men, that are not as superficial than Ewan suggested.

    Some of us don’t quite feel like we were born in the right generation.
    Some of us are in some sense more mature than our own generation.
    Some of us respect the maturity of older men.
    This is more emotional stuff really.

    When you think about it – it is not wise choice in general, because when men are significantly older they become old aged too fast, when you still would like to live a little – like some one commented here.

    I had a crush for a man that was about 25 years older (although I was not aware of that in the beginning), but my brains did not allow me to give it out. It’d been so stupid. (He was really fit for his age – I’ve seen much worst cases about 15-20 years younger…)

  20. 52
    JerseyGirl

    DeathSlayer:
    “What stigma? Ask yourself this, IF a man keeps himself in shape and develops maturity and respect, he can get young women, so what the problem.”
    —————————————————————————–
    I’ve already explained the problem. It seems men want to be valued as they grow older and develop other skills through life. There is nothing wrong with that. However, women aren’t extended that same curtsy, even from men themselves. Men want to be valued through-out their whole life, but women are constantly being told that they can expect to be looked at with less value as they live their lives.

    —————————————————————————–
    DeathSlayer:
    “As I said in an earlier post people are VISUAL if you are older, have a nasty scowl, a mean personality, you’re not gonna get noticed.”
    —————————————————————————–

    Yes, but nasty scowls, mean personalities are not subject to just women. That is subject to people in general. Men and women.

    —————————————————————————–
    DeathSlayer:
    Men typically want women who are not battle hardened and still have some feminine charm
    —————————————————————————–
    Ohh, the irony DeathSlayer….the irony of that statment coming form you. :)

    —————————————————————————–
    Lance:
    @Jersey: My comment was tongue in cheek. Things were getting a little too serious around here. ……..
    Also, can I get your number?
    —————————————————————————–

    867-5309….. :) (Couldn’t resist a good 80s song reference)

    —————————————————————————-
    dadshouse:
    Older men are better in bed.
    —————————————————————————–

    Not always true my friend! Have you actually slept with any older men? I have and they are not always better in bed.

  21. 53
    hunter

    to JerseyGirl,

    867-5309? Jenny, Jenny….

  22. 54
    annie

    I met my ex- husband at age 18 and he was 10 years older and i would not recommend it. We changed at different rates and he got boring and settled pretty soon. I have met quite a few men now on the dating scene who have dated younger women and also found the lack of similar interests and different energy levels to get in the way.

    Many women in their 40′s finally have the chance to do what they want in life. One of my profs in college was married to a much younger woman who was starting to do what she always wanted, so while he wanted to go walking on the beach he instead found himself waiting around in theatre lobbies for her show to end. He was lonely.

    I have dated men up to 12 years younger, not because I am into younger men, but just happened that way. Now I want someone closer to my age. The older men tend to have health issues and want someone who will eventually nurse them, and often if they are wealthy they have major control issues.

    I have had younger men fall in love with me because I am intelligent, cultured, have a power base — and I am not fooled — it is my mind and the power thing that dazzles them, but they are too immature to be able to separate those out. The same for young women who fall for older powerful men. Often it is their mind or the aura, but the men take advantage of the confusion and create a romance. I want a partner who has their own life and is stimulating to me, but who also likes what I do. A lot of young women are not in the place, but should be allowed to get their by not going into dependent relationships, be is material or emotional.
    The daddy thing is still quite strong, society still puts out the dream to females that they will find a prince charming just by being pretty and dependent.

  23. 55
    Selena

    Older men are not always better in bed. Sometimes they have *problems*.

  24. 56
    hunter

    To selena,

    I am a half a century old, the only problem I have in bed, is when a woman doesn’t participate. Most women(divorcees, some twice) in my age group, want to be worshipped in bed, nothing wrong with that, a woman can find the young “buck” if they want to be that way.

  25. 57
    annie

    The older men I have dated are not better in bed. It depends upon if the man is a sensualist or not. I am also very visual, it has been proven by experiments that women are too, once they allow themselves and know how. Being that way it is a problem to see older men’s bodies and try to get turned on. That is where one has to grow spiritually and as a person on life’s journey, and create deeper bonds with the person.
    I hated my dad’s friends checking me out — also male employers some of whom tried to cop touches. My two daughters, now late twenties, do not seem to like older men when they have been approached. I think that “youth cleaves unto youth” when the people are not dysfunctional and trying to fill some loss. It makes sense to face old age and death with someone who is looking at the same thing. No amount of money will change that we all get old, and I have seen some wealthy old men feel a loss of control when the money they used to “buy” and control the young wife then gets into her hands because the guy is getting senile and incapable. It makes him resentful and irritable, and she does not have to take it like she did when she was dependent, so they quarrel. Older people of similar age can quarrel too, if they have not taken the time to grow and adjust to the stage of life they are in — and to take extra care of their relationship.

  26. 58
    hunter

    To annie,

    More and more, so I hear, that is a woman’s downfall, young women select men with their eyes……it is usually, not until a woman gets into her 40′s that she will select a man by what he has to say….supposedly a better choice…

  27. 59
    HansonGD

    It is really hard to describe,… the “it just is!” feelings. When I was 21, met a 55 y/o through friends, and he was a jerk- thought he was a GOD!- really, he is! We are just made/meant to BE! He was the one that had a problem with the age, and how it looked. Now, finally, he doesn’t blink, I am 1 mo. shy 0f 33. He just turned 67. We don’t live together anymore, or me with him, rather. But, we have just now, finallu, understood one another, now accepted . We are each others’ Psychological need – everything else, just follows. He is my mentor. His mind, and ideals are in his “style”. He is the only one, ever, who can pick my brain to “ease”! He and I are both, headstrong, independent, mysterious, caring, impatient, intolerant, master- minds ‘of the day’. I am his muse, and “fountain” of youth. He is my “professor” for me living MY life, right. I love him with every ounce of my soul! We need eachother to maintain our health, youth, and- all that we are! Not to mention- Our sex life has remained “absolute perfection”- still increases daily (12 yrs. so far) .” Just 2 kids in a candy store.” You can only understand completely by being there! It is just “something-… else”. That’s the only way to really put it. It is, what it “is”. That’s it!

  28. 60
    biggleggz

    i am dating a much older man and he is not that hot in bed he is always tired and watching tv all the time he is retired and he is 15 years older than me i’m 49 he can take me to the better places but the communication has broken down i try to keep the relationship fires burning romantic dinners keep my body in shape and all he wants to watch police videos and the sports channel the comments that older men want a young woman to make them feel they still got it but most of them they have to pay a price why not accept the fact that you are old

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