Your guy is experiencing his own cognitive dissonance right now.
But instead of looking for answers or talking to a coach, he’s going to just accept the fact that things didn’t add up – and go on his merry way. The definition of insanity, you know.
It’s the same thing we see on this blog all the time.
People put partners into different categories based on their feelings/passion from the first few weeks of dating, instead of considering the factors that will determine long-term success: how they spend money, where they want to live, how to raise children, how to live in the same space, how to quickly get over disagreements, how to do all the little things to make a partner happy, how to accept a partners’ flaws…
These are not things you can tell from an online dating profile. These are not things you can tell on a first date. These are not things you can tell in a month. These are not things you can tell in six months.
So while you (or he) might feel “in love”, these are merely feelings – feelings that correlate with a flooding of hormones in your brain – dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, testosterone, etc.
I know this isn’t the answer your question, Cheryl, but it’s more important than the answer to your question.
Being “in love” has little correlation to whether a couple lasts for the rest of their lives.
It’s about understanding how people operate and finding some measure of objectivity, instead of taking it personally.
Fact is, men do fall in love faster than women.
But who cares? There are way too many variables beyond being “in love” which are far better determining factors of longevity. Which is why I think this tangent is more universal and educational than the question you originally posed to me:
I have never immediately gotten an “I want to seriously date or partner up” vibe in my life! Not even with my ex-husband! Is it really that simple for men? Is their decision made after one date? I always agreed with you on the “men look for sex and find love” theory. I have almost decided this guy was just trying to get me to have sex with him until someone he feels is better comes along. What do you think?
Well, to your first question about falling in love at first sight, yes, it’s often really that simple. It doesn’t mean that love at first sight is wise; but it is that simple – a shot to the brain of love drugs and suddenly you can’t see things all that clearly.
And as far as the guy who wants to have sex with you until someone better comes along? Yeah, that’s about right, too.
If he were wiser, he may look closer to see if he can be himself with you, if you make him feel good when he’s with you, if you’re a fundamentally kind, selfless, easygoing person, if you share a vision of life that can be built together. But I’m guessing that he’s just like the vast majority of the population – driven by chemistry and wondering why things never seem to work out for him.
Let him go – and learn to understand and accept that this is the way many people operate in dating and relationships.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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