D.J

Phia, I’m not sure if you’re still reading this, but I’m 42, and a good deal of my friends are divorced.

The happy relationships are those which support each person’s dreams and growth, yes, even with kids. It’s a juggling act but the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. These are the relationships that have survived, and THRIVED. Let your man know what you are after in life and how he can support you, and ask the same from him–what he wants and how you can help with those dreams. Two heads and hearts really can be better than one. You will have a LOT of time together, don’t worry about taking some time for YOU.

Good luck!!!

moon

Best solution for any onset of boredom: do what you need to do without guilt. If you need a trip to Libya, go to Libya. Anything you prevent yourself from doing for the sake of your husband’s feelings or perceived needs could very easily turn into resentment, and if you let those feelings build, you could be looking at a divorce down the road.

If you need something the other person cannot give you, you will go looking for it somewhere else. This is a normal, human reaction. We are not each other’s one-stop shopping mall. Life is far too diverse a place to rely on any one person for everything you need.

What most women seem to do is burden themselves with unnecessary guilt, though. Decide what you are both willing to live with and without, and jettison the rest. Compromise IS necessary to keep every long-term relationship afloat. And there’s nothing wrong with compromise, as long as you are not compromising your principles, your sanity, your integrity.

Phia, you strike me as one who keeps herself and her surroundings dynamic. I am the same – no dull moments, and I don’t need streamers to make a party.

You seem to disapprove of the changes in your friends after they entered LT relationships, wondering if the switch from single to duo was cause for the perceived loss of shine. I have to wonder, though… have all the changes in these women’s lives been accounted for?

I am not married. Actually, I’m only 24 and the longest relationship I’ve ever been in was only about a year. So all I’m offering here is my logic… which at the moment, says that at the moment, “personality” is being defined as you define it.

What is personality? Independence? Freedom? Happiness? Character? Community? Bonding? Building and growth?

We can cultivate most of these things “alone” as a single or when we’re paired up, but it’s my personal belief that the luster of a shining relationship requires a certain dynamic (or balance) to be in place if it is to continue sparkling. Yes, there is personal maintenance – of who someone is – their personality, character, etc. But there is also “unit” maintenance- which, if they’re a solid couple, usually flows right back into individual development and growth.

Back to that logic bit…
Your friends seem to be doing their own thing. But who says they’re not content doing it? Or any less interesting? They’re less interesting to you because it’s not what you prefer or because their decisions seem compromised, but someone out there is really glad they didn’t go to that kickboxing class on Tuesday night. Staying at home may not add flavor to what you consider personality, but it might make for a more vibrant character because of the act of love and community it represents.

Something tells me these women aren’t staring at the butt end of a donkey day in and day out. Usually, people choose things that enhance and enrich their lives, much like your traveling did. My guess is that evenings at home with hubby may not bring the same adrenaline rush, but that the married ladies are swapping life benefits instead of forking them over.

It’s clever that so many engagement and wedding rings are of flashy stones – so brilliant, but still so strangely unnoticed after a while. Personally, I believe that if a person can appreciate the symbolism and beauty of their wedding band, that they are probably less likely to take their blessings (including their spouse) for granted.

Thanks for reading,
Elli

For some reason this is especially pointed with guys. Even if they still come out sometimes they’re just not as fun. I’m currently single and thankful for that, at 25 I’m about as commitment-phobe as you can get. I have so many friends who used to be so fun and great to hang out with and fun to talk to…and now they’re dating someone or engaged or married and sooooo boring. They don’t come out to bars anymore, they don’t do any of these fun things, they don’t hang out as much and when they do they’re just…flatter in personality than when they were single.

Obviously this isn’t universal, there are some people who have remained fun in their relationship and if they have less time to spend with their friends, that’s understandable. But it’s significant enough that we discussed it for quite some time last night and everyone agreed…even the people in relationships…of course, they didn’t think it pertained to them even if it did!

I’m not sure I’ve done a good job of explaining this, but I feel the comment is getting too long. I’m also not being judgmental, I’m sure that whenever I settle down with just one person I’ll be boring to people who aren’t in relationships too!

(Side note: Do people REALLY think that their single friends are as interested in their wedding planning as they are?? Cuz just because I’m female doesn’t mean I want to hear about your debate over flower color and table settings. Gah.)

It’s not that you get boring, it’s just that there is a loss of “freedom.” If you have to think about another person, you can’t just pick up and go, or as Rose writes: “hoping off on trips, volunteering, spending tons of time chatting with and hanging out with girlfriends.”

So if that is what you want to do forever and ever … well, don’t get married. Unless, and this is the big unless, you and your partner create a marriage in which you both are committed but don’t have to lose freedom. As a divorced mom of a teen (after 15 years of marriage), I know that if I partner again (and I would like to have a partner, just not necessarily a marriage), that partnership will allow each of us to expand and grow while still being committed. It probably won’t look like a traditional man, woman, house, kids — the so-called American Dream — but that’s OK. Society expects us to take that route, but you and your partner can make something that works for you, no one else.

One other very, very important thing for Phia and her hubby to consider: if you are feeling this way, having kids will add much more of the feeling of loss of freedom and much more stress. Please don’t get me wrong; I love my kid and can’t even imagine not having him in my life. But having a baby tests a marriage that no one fully can understand until they’re in it.

So, if you are planning to have kids, please try to figure out what’s behind your struggle now and whether you can find and maintain “you” in the marriage. If you can’t. please reconsider having kids. As OK as my kid is and as friendly a divorce as I had, divorce sucks for kids. Really.

There’s a diff between compromise and giving up yourself – or being expected to. And women are often more compromising in relationships than men. There are some guys who resent the woman in their lives wanting to embark on a personal goal, i.e. marathon training or education. Allowing someone to impede your life goals is different than compromising on who’s parents to visit for the holidays or which side of the bed to sleep on.

I don’t really have advice here but just resonated so well with Phia’s letter that I had to share my experience. My best friend and I have both resolved to do more to regain our independence, our vibrant, confident personalities. We both feel we have given in too much – and mostly it has been our own doing, not at the request or commandment of our partners, who are actually very understanding men. The hard truth though is that there is no switch one can turn on. It will take time for us to rebuild our identities….the comment someone made about younger women (in their 20s) being more likely to give up more of themselves after marriage is so true. That is what we did and now we are embarking upon the painful and “effortfull” process of regaining what we’ve lost. I think as long as we are honest to our partners about our feelings, they will be understanding and support us. Our relationships will change – but perhaps for the better. Because our husbands married us for the smart, independent, vibrant, fun-loving and colourful women that we were. We are shortchanging them by evolving into dull, lifeless creatures!

Wish us luck

What she describes seems way more subtle than boredom as a result of her playing shrinking violet to her husband. I’m fairly certain she was never one of those women who expected everything in her life would magically fall into place and happily ever after, etc. etc post-nuptials. And it doesn’t sound to me that she’s “given up large pieces of [herself], including …hobbies and goals and friendships, in order to be with a particular man”. She still has independent interests, a healthy number of friends, and, as Mrs. Vee said, a great attitude about marriage. I mean… going back to school AND training for a triathlon? That’s a second full-time job right there.

It seems to me she really LIVED her life (we should be so lucky) and is now asking “But what if you know all that stuff about maintaining your separate interests, and it’s coming in direct conflict with the long-term goals of marriage and family?”

Well, shit, I don’t know. I think it’s a really tough question.

Maybe, Phia, you just need to reshuffle your priorities. Perhaps consider a change of career that allows you to do something related to travel or sports for your job, so you still have that element in your life, even as you try to raise your kids. That’s one idea.

As for me, I’ll think about Phia’s predicament when I think about my own lovelife. The major point I’m getting from reading her letter is that it’s all good on either side of the fence. We’re each doing just fine right where we are – single, engaged, married, divorced. There’s good and bad to every situation, so why get to hung up about it either way?

Thanks for such a thoughtful letter, P.