Comments on: Do You Overestimate Yourself? Everyone Else Does…

By: Sparkling Emerald

Sparkling Emerald — Thu, 16 May 2013 01:02:33 +0000

Goldie @ 105 -
I get what Sparkling Emerald is saying and I actually agree with her that, when you’re in love with someone, they are in fact a ten in your eyes . . .
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Yes, you get EXACTLY what I was saying, another common way it is put “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” (Explains why many mothers thinks their baby is the most beautiful baby ever born )
Once I get involved with a guy he can BECOME a different “number” than my initial impression. A guy who is a “10″ on the looks scale. (OK, an 8, because I don’t run in Hollywood circles, so I don’t date 10′s) could easily drop to a zero if he mistreats me. An average looking guy can soar to a 10 if he treats me with kindness & respect. After awhile, I am not looking at the physical features of the person any more, when I look at him, I am seeing the person behind the face, his character, his wit, his kindness, how I feel when I am with him. I am seeing the inner man, not the outer. I am seeing the relationship. Also by zero or ten, it really comes down to “Relationship – YES ” or “Relationship NO”. After an initial getting to know each other it has to be one or the other, I don’t like to do “non-relationships”. So I don’t think this really means it is an all or nothing proposition. A guy who is really only a 6 objectively still has a chance with me, because I believe in the power of the inner self to illuminate what I will see. And I try to hold back on flipping head over heels for an 8, until I get a chance to see if his inner self matches or exceeds what’s on the outside.
I am the same way will ALL my relationship BTW. After a while, I stop noticing what my GF’s look like. I once had a seriously overweight work friend. I don’t mean “voluptous” or “curvy” but seriously, morbidly obese. Her kind light hearted nature won her many lunch time girlfriends. Eventually, I stopped thinking noticing her being fat and started thinking of her as a fun friend to hang out with at lunch and sometimes after work. When some snooty girl in my dept asked me “Who is the big fat girl who works upstairs” I had NO IDEA who she was talking about. She then hammered with me “You know – - the girl who is as big as 2 houses !” I still honestly had no idea who she was talking about. Then she shouted “You know who I mean, you eat lunch with her almost every day !”. Then I just said something along the lines of “Oh yes, Terrie, one of my favorite people”.

By: Goldie

Goldie — Wed, 15 May 2013 17:29:39 +0000

I think it depends on the circles you move in. In my social group(s), which are various combinations of middle-aged geeks, I’m probably easily a 9. But in Evan’s social circles, I’d be lucky to pull a 2. If I somehow got me an overall 10, I wouldn’t know what to do with him. He wouldn’t fit into my life, and I into his.

“And I don’t know if I’ve ever entered a room and been objectively the best looking guy there.”

Well, I did invite you to come speak at a Mensa AG and you said no! There was your chance

@ 103-104, I get what Sparkling Emerald is saying and I actually agree with her that, when you’re in love with someone, they are in fact a ten in your eyes. But I would add that, for them to become a ten, you have to first meet them, give them a chance, and get to know them better while you’re still seeing them as a 4 or 5 that they objectively are. At least in my experience, I need a lot of one-on-one time for the man to grow on me and become a ten to me. So, if he’s far from being a 10 but I can see that he is a potential good match, I’ll give him a chance regardless of his looks.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Wed, 15 May 2013 16:45:01 +0000

@Sparkling Emerald: “On the “objective” scale, I suppose there really is a 1-10. However, when it comes to our personal scales, I think there really is only 2 marks, zero or ten. When you are in love with someone, they become a ten in your eyes.”

With great respect, this belief is part of the problem. I’m not going to say it’s the problem with women overall, but I think you’ve exemplified it here. The idea that a man is a zero or a ten. It’s not true. And belief that it is true is why so many women have trouble taking my advice to dial down the chemistry from a 10 to a 7. That gets read as, “I’m just supposed to go with some ugly guy with whom I have NO attraction?” Also untrue.

Believe me: I love my wife more than life itself. But there are no shortage of younger, thinner, hotter women here in Los Angeles. And I don’t know if I’ve ever entered a room and been objectively the best looking guy there. As a result, I’d say that while we may be “7s”, our RELATIONSHIP is a 10, and that’s why it’s worth preserving. Please, get out of your all-or-nothing thinking. It’s unhealthy on a micro level and it’s toxic when an entire gender thinks of men as 0′s or 10′s.

By: Sparkling Emerald

Sparkling Emerald — Wed, 15 May 2013 13:49:26 +0000

I am really mathematically challenged, so I’ve never been able to rate by #’s. Growing up, me and one of my girlfriends used to rate guys looks by letter grades. George Clooney & Brad Pit types would be A pluses, Evan would be a B plus. Sorry Evan, but if a letter grade of B is 80-90 %, that makes you AT LEAST an 8, closer to a 9. (OK, lets call you an 8.85) Your every day kinda cute guys would get a B or B minus. Keep in mind, this a very unscientific rating system devised by 2 very silly HS girls on summer vacation.
So tell me, on the number scale, is 5 average or is 7 average? Is it age adjusted?
Since I don’t do well mathematically, I usually think of women as drop dead gorgeous, beautiful, pretty or cute. Drop Dead gorgeous, I’ve only seen in movies or beauty pagents. To give you an idea of how I define beautiful, pretty or cute, let me give you a floral metaphor. Beautiful would be comparable to a dozen long stemmed blood red roses, pretty would be daffodils, and cute would be daisies.
On the “objective” scale, I suppose there really is a 1-10. However, when it comes to our personal scales, I think there really is only 2 marks, zero or ten. When you are in love with someone, they become a ten in your eyes. If someone doesn’t do anything for you, then they are a zero. Shallow, narcissistic men, who think girls should just dig them for their good looks are a zero in my eyes, no matter what they look like. I know that the men who’ve been in love with me, really overestimated my looks, they would rave about me being “GORGEOUS or BEAUTIFUL” which is fine by me , but in reality, I’m just either kinda cute, or pretty cute, depending on how much effort I put in. I’ve was also able to tell by the look on one of my online dates face, that he gave me a zero when he met me in person. (Worst date ever).
Evan, I’m sure your wife would disagree about you being a 7 !

By: Kevin

Kevin — Wed, 15 May 2013 07:28:42 +0000

I’m surprised how modest most of us are being. If you’re all 7s and 6s in looks, I must be a 3. The only heads I turn are store security personnel.
But I think we need to define our attractiveness standards. Is Woody Allen a 7 or a 3? Is Danny DiVito a 5 or a 1?!Is Zooey Deschanel a 9.5 or a 7.5? (I’d say 9.5)
Evan gave himself a 7 but I think he’s a 9. In my book, any woman who has a cute face and is in proportion is a 7 or better.
So maybe attach a celeb rating to your post so we know your parameters.

By: Peter

Peter — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 01:30:56 +0000

This submission is very self indulgent and confessional. It is not particularly politically correct either. Members of the female sex may find certain remarks challenging.
I had a difficult late childhood and adolesence and did not rate myself highly enough in my 20′s when I finally escaped all male environments (boarding school, apprenticeship in heavy engineering factory) and the beatings stopped. This definitely affected my dating behaviour as I saw myself as well below what was probably my real position but now I’m perfect. Lack of interaction with girls also played it’s part – I had no sister. I aimed to date ugly girls in what I thought was the league I deserved but it was the 8 and 9′s in a top university with a shortage of women who showed interest in me and sought me out. They were the ones I actually had dates with but I couldn’t quite believe it. After a 4 year drought, I married a 6 who was five years older than me for reasons of availability and safety.
Personal ranking:
Looks – Male 178 cm, (5’10″) BMI 25, in shape. For a 61 year old against others of my age I rate 8 or 9. My hair, although thinner than it was and grey is my own. Eat that Berlusconi! In terms of all comers 6.
Intelligence – IQ on Stanford Binet tests taken throughout life 135-140, GMAT top 0.25% of those taking it who were already graduates. Top 0.1% mathematically. There are however cleverer people on the planet. Even for them transforming IQ into success in life is not a certainty. Dyspraxia and slight dyslexia doesn’t help. Has to be 9.
Personality – I need validation and feedback from achievement to compensate from the bullying all those years ago. Otherwise, I am too insecure to call out bad behaviour from others in relationships. Hung on to a bad marriage (or waited for children to grow up, both apply) for 25 years. 4.
Career – Achievement 8. Income was at one time top 0.25% of employed persons in UK. Have patents for serious inventions. I lead teams developing the first products or types that make 100′s of millions (for other people). Income now highly variable due to relatively new business venture. So overall, 6/7 .
Ranking my Woman
Not many dates since University. My Russian landlady and erstwhile fiancee, teh UK Border AGency permitting, is one of two strong connections I’ve made in the last 6 years. I shall rank her.
Looks – 173 cm (5’8″), BMI 21, not really in shape but a fabulous dresser. She is known as good looking by the visual arts community across a large city. Painters want to paint her even at 37. 10 for her age. 8 even 9 against all comers.
Intelligence – She has the interests of an intelligent person but doesn’t really have the mental fire power to critique things herself. She overvalues others’ opinions and resorts to stereotypes. 7.
Personality – Somewhere on the less severe end of the autistic spectrum which is also common in my genetic family. In her case I think the formal diagnosis would be schizoid personality disorder. Finds it very hard to make attachments. Had sex instead of relationships. Now takes a long time to build trust and doesn’t have sex. Has no female friends except her half sister. Landlady scores 4 like me.
Career – Never held a job for more than 6 months. Failed at most things she’s tried but now has a niche as a short let landlord with an expanding collection of real estate. Income poor – below average as she reinvests, asset rich +£2m which for a 37 year old who has been a single mother without a regular job since 24 is outstanding. 7.
She picked me after a couple of years of close contact more than I picked her. I now feel over validated and undeserving and a bit insecure.
Me versus Her
She’s a woman. Her career doesn’t matter. Her looks, which far exceed my needs even for validation and personality matter a lot. I think we match. She’s outstanding on looks. I am on IQ. Neither of us are short on the other, just not stellar. These are appropriate balanced differences for female and male. We are both fails on personality and question marks on career.
Me ranked by Others
Looks
3 to 9 depending on sex and attitudes to age. Rival males will score me as 3, less is unrealistic as I am not short, bald or by UK standards, fat. Women will say 6-9 depending on who else is around. Height, lack of much excess weight and the way a person stands and moves when in shape attract most women irrespective of age.
Intelligence
Very clever but less than I actually score because there is more to life than IQ and I try and screen it in real life. It used to get me beaten up. 7.
Personality
6 or 7 which is higher than my personal assessment. I make a point of being positive and supportive to people around me. When I am brought to a stop by depression (PTSD 50 years after the events) , I’m alone or with intimates.
Career
8 which is higher than my personal assessment. My own mini multinational looks great from outside.
EVAN. VERY INTERESTING QUESTION. TOMORROW I LOOK FOR A CLERGYMAN (I do not believe in the sincerity of paid therapists).

By: Yuri

Yuri — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 17:45:36 +0000

Where do you rank yourself in Looks, Intelligence, Personality, Career?
Looks - 8. I have great hair, a pretty face, and am not overweight. I take great pride in my appearance so I look presentable. I generally garner a large amount of unsolicited male attention…much to the chagrin of my current mate.

Intelligence – 8. I’m not a genius, but I am highly academically inclined and well-read.

Personality – 6. Ay, there’s the rub. I’m a very meticulous person and can be critical of others. I’m also quite shy around strangers because I’m not one for small talk – unless I’m intoxicated. This makes it hard to meet new people sometimes. Once you get to know me, I’m very silly and sarcastic. I’m also very loyal.

Career – 7. Considering I live in the DC metropolitan area, I’m going to go with a 7 on this one. The majority of people in their mid-20′s in this area are not faring as well as me. There are, however, some that are doing exceptionally better.

How would you rank the “typical” person you date? Do you rank them higher or lower than you?
I would say they are overall a 6 or 7 based on the aforementioned mix. They are better in some areas and lower in others depending on who they are.

How do you think others would rank you behind your back?
All I know is what people have told me or what my boyfriend has told me. His friends think I’m “hot”. I’m sure if anyone thought otherwise, they wouldn’t say anything. It’s hard to gauge.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 16:59:27 +0000

PS When dating noticed men ALWAYS overrate themselves in terms of their sense of humor. Always. Few were truly funny.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 16:53:56 +0000

I find it nearly impossible to rank myself or even the men I used to date (have a bf now). But JJ #14 is right about Mensa- it’s just obnoxious to mention it if only because it’s misleading. It’s been established now there are many types of intelligence, dance, music ability, athletic ability, mechanical vs. abstract, etc.

The reason I’m having trouble with the intelligence ranking is I am unable to divorce it from wisdom, which is more important imo. And it can take quite a while to get at someone’s wisdom.

I think the only way you can get at any sort of objective view of your intelligence, looks, personality is to rank according to your PEERS*. Those people who fall into your same category in every way. Having trouble articulating it, sorry….

*it’s too easy to rank yourself a 9 in looks if using the entire US population as your control group. Much harder if using your social class AND age AND women who make a habit of really taking care of their looks and body as I have for decades now. In many ways I compare very favorably to a lot of celebrities my age except my abs could be firmer as I don’t have a personal trainer like they do! lol

Does this make any sense?

By: Joe

Joe — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 14:28:31 +0000

Eh, there’s intelligence, and there’s intelligence. Some PhDs couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag.