Comments on: Do You Want Advice or Do You Want Validation?

By: Greg

Greg — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 14:44:57 +0000

The whole point of the post is that men and women tend to communicate differently. Understanding that men and women have different communication styles helps relationships. He’s not saying one way is better than the other.
Leaving the seat up is not a character flaw. Many men have gone their entire lives without having to even think about such a thing. Its a minor thing. Women do annoying things that men have to deal with. I can’t make my wife stop liking trash reality TV programs and she can’t make me stop liking football. Acceptance is about being able to overlook minor things that don’t matter, and understand that men and women are different.

By: Ron

Ron — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 02:46:52 +0000

A funny little history story although you don’t have to post it.

Cato (of Roman times) said that we men rule the world and then we come home and women rule us.

Great blog and comments.

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 18:22:10 +0000

Let's face it, men and women are different doh and we react differently. Women do need to understand that men are fixers, and men do need to understand that women want to be heard, and not always get advice (or, be "fixed.") I wish both sexes could appreciate those differences and learn how to work with them. And that means each couple should at some point have a conversation about what he/she wants his/her partner to do when venting, crying, etc. Then, we should respect that (and be forgiven if we sometimes slip into old patterns). This is not rocket science; it's communication (uh, which is often like rocket science!) And, honestly, we women have trouble advising each other, too.

By: anette

anette — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:49:38 +0000

@70 I don’t know how you got all that from Evan’s comments.

I did get the impression from Evans comments, that he was saying a little “too much” that women should curb their need for validation.

The Post title, say’s it all. Yes, we need validation.

Find the validation you are able to handle as a man, and find a woman that only requires that much.

Women will alway’s need it, just like men will in their stuff too And it won’t alway’s make sense.

By: anette

anette — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:42:58 +0000

@ 65

You make a great point.

Do you put the seat down?

By: anette

anette — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:28:30 +0000

Okay before I read everything else, TY for those that did read my wall of text. God that was aweful!! hahaha. I appreciate you listening.

Toilet thing. He can leave it up if he wants. I’m just going to ask him to put it down. It’s a thing. It’s like saying I hate putting gas in the car. It’s a thing. I HATE PUTTING GAS IN THE CAR!! hahaha.

Not a big thing, he doesn’t have to do it, but…it’s really nice when he does, and I notice it. I’m a bit forgetful by nature and am worrying about other complicated stuff. Hitting the poop water(no seat), or hitting the “ding ding ding” no gas meter(my constant issue) sucks.

But in terms of equality, yes it should be “up” as much as “down”.

No reason either way. Weird huh? What is a sheila/bloke thing? It something you recognize, don’t understand and do, because it’s kinda sweet It’s a rule we know

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 21:15:03 +0000

To wrap up this thread:

NOWHERE do I say to put up with bad behavior. Everywhere on this site, I tell women to leave men who don’t call, don’t commit, only want sex, don’t follow through on dates, don’t treat you well, etc.

EVERYWHERE I tell you to accept OTHER things that are NORMAL among GOOD men. That may include him being a flirt, it may include him being a workaholic, it may include him working on a different relationship timetable, it may even include him forgetting the way you like your toilet seat.

Choose your battles, Betty. But let’s get it straight: I’m an advocate for women who want to know how to handle men. Good men. Like me. Like my male readers. So for you to conflate clueless and inconsiderate bathroom behavior with a man who only calls you once a week…or doesn’t propose after 4 years… well, those are two entirely different stories.

I hope you can agree – and agree with everything else I’ve offered today. I am FOR you, not against you. And, as you can tell, it pains me that you can’t see this.

Off to coach more women like you…

Evan

By: Betty

Betty — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 21:08:18 +0000

@69: I'm not making men the enemy. I'm acknowledging that some men are the enemy, as are some women. You keep telling women that they have to accept specific things about men. They do not. Then you follow it up with a threat that if they don't they won't find a man to love them. Again, false. There are so many men who do not partake of what many of consider "typical male" behavior. These are the men I know and love. They also happen to be men who consider leaving a toilet seat up after peeing to be very crude behavior and would be embarrassed if they did it, even by mistake. Just as a counter-example.

By: Betty

Betty — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 21:00:57 +0000

@67: The problem with your argument is that you are suggesting that women accept traditional roles that we have fought long and hard to break free of and that most of us are happy to see go. (In your example, the traditional female strictures would to be pleasing physically on his terms, take on household chores that might just as easily be shared, put the relationship with him above her other sustaining relationships, those that predate her relationship with him and might outlast it.) In other words, you’re making a case for female dependence on men without showing at all how it goes the other way. In the example you give you’re asking her to become subservient to him and give up her claims in the world–claims she might need were the relationship to go south. And you’re adding a threat–if she doesn’t do these subservient things, the relationship will definitely go south because she isn’t being accepting (read “compliant”) enough. To add insult to injury, she doesn’t even have a say in how the household is to be run (he still gets the seat up!).

This is not a compelling scenario for coupledom. Love is also about knowing what you won’t accept and having the guts to soldier on, being true to yourself, and finding the people of your tribe–men and women both. Maybe you weren’t compliant enough and had to learn that “acceptance” lesson, and that’s why this message keeps cropping up here, but for a lot of us gals we’ve accepted way too much bad male behavior. We did change in response to that. But it wasn’t to become more tolerant of b.s.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 20:57:01 +0000

“Whom the status quo benefits?” Huh? We’re all in this TOGETHER. There’s no happy relationships unless both women AND men are on board with acceptance.

Trust me: for most of my life, I had a series of relationships with women who DIDN’T accept me. My revelation was in discovering that there was a woman who WOULD accept me. I married her and am never letting her go. It’s exhausting being with someone who wants you to change all the time, wouldn’t you agree?

So please, stop making men to be the enemy here. If men were asking me questions about how to change women, they’d get the same reality check. I’m sincerely sorry if you don’t like what I’m saying, but really, give the negativity a rest. This is my blog. I really don’t need to defend myself, but I think it’s important that you understand that the message is for EVERYONE, not just women.