Do You Want To Date People Who Don’t Want To Date You?
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This should be inspiring, not saddening.
If you’re a quality woman looking for love online, your partner is somewhere out there wondering how to connect with you. And chances are, that man is having the same exact doubts about whether there’s any woman who is suitably young and vibrant.
Lest you think that you’re the only person who feels frustration at how unfair the opposite sex can be, let me share with you the first time I learned this lesson myself.
I was 29.
I was a struggling Hollywood writer.
Focus on the men who want you, and you’ll find a man you want as well.
I was supporting myself by selling hair restoration products by phone.
I was out for drinks at a fancy hotel bar with a female friend.
She was Ivy League-educated, thin, Jewish, quirky. I didn’t have a crush on her, per se, but I had respect and admiration for her. She was the type of person I saw myself with, even if I didn’t actually see myself with her.
Which is why I took it so personally when she said she’d never date another writer.
She said that writers were neurotic.
True.
She said that writers were financially unstable.
True.
She said that writers were largely unhappy because their dreams were never fulfilled.
True.
And so she’d made her decision – a decision that had nothing to do with me – yet it felt like it had EVERYTHING to do with me.
In that moment, I realized that no matter how much I valued myself, there were always going to be people who valued someone else more.
That’s a bitter pill to swallow. Guys like me don’t like having restrictions on whom we can date. You probably don’t like having restrictions either.
But that doesn’t mean there aren’t restrictions. I learned it firsthand.
If a woman said she wanted a guy with more money, there were PLENTY of guys with more money.
If a woman said she wanted a guy who is taller, there were PLENTY of guys who are taller.
If a woman said she wanted a guy who is laid-back and Zen, almost EVERY guy is going to get the nod over me.
I can wish that this weren’t the case, but you can’t be all things to all people at all times. You can only be the best person that you can be, and hope to attract the person that wants YOU, flaws and all.
If my wife couldn’t appreciate me despite all my neuroses, she wouldn’t be my wife.
And if a man doesn’t want to date you because you’re too old, heavy, short, or poor, well, then, he wouldn’t be a very good partner for you!
Focus on the men who want you, and you’ll find a man you want as well.
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40 Comments »Filed Under Newsletters
Lara 1
This is wonderful advice which should be obvious to all of us but most of us don’t take the time to listen to that small voice in our head or heart. Thanks, Evan.
Steve 2
I feel for that turned down client. Rude awakenings from reality aren’t nice, for either the person telling it or the person hearing it. It is no fun finding things like that out. She sounds like a woman who deserves some happiness.
I laughed at the part about everyone thinking that they look younger than they are. It so true. It might be fun to do a spoor online dating ad one day along the lines of “radical honesty”……..” I’m _ years old, but I look at least 10 years older than my real age. “
Steve 3
FWIW, I have a friend in her early 60s. A few years ago she was tired of being single. She started online dating. She went through a lot of crap and dated a lot of losers. She found a good dude about her age, they are entering their second year of dating and they are very happy together.
Her boyfriend is the exact opposite to her politically and both of them have strong political views. Think James Carvell and Mary Madeline. My friend, having been a shrink for over 30 years thought his personality and how he treated her was more important than him agreeing with her politics. She did date a few men who were liberal like herself who turned out to be zeros for her for other reasons.
In any event, she did all of the things dating coaches have cajole their clients to do: accepting reality as it is, being open, etc.
She is very happy with her dude.
Honey 4
I manage 4 PhD programs, and I have to give people bad news gently all the time (“we’re not a good fit for you”). It’s amazig how many people think they “deserve” things they’re not capable of.
Born Again Virgin 5
I feel for that woman because I just turned 55 and am in the process of divorce from a nearly 33-yr marriage to a closeted gay man. Wanna talk loveless, heartache, sexless? We had two children, but there comes a time when even fantasy doesn’t help a gay guy have sex with his wife, let alone any woman.
So, here I am just moments from being “legally” allowed to date, and I know my options are limited due to age. I will try on-line, and I’m actually quite content to date a guy my age or a little older. I had one guy 10 years younger than me try his darndest to get me into bed via on-line chats in a private support group for spouses of gay/lesbians. I was flattered, but I could see this was just going to be sexual gratification (which would be nice), but not realistic.
Do I want 70-yr-old men knocking on my door? Um, no. I’m watching my mother at 78 dealing with her 93-yr-old husband just withering away, peeing his pants and drooling. What are my chances? I dunno. I’m 40 pounds overweight (which bothers me), but that’s down 65 pounds. My problems are (neoroses, as Evan puts it) are severe trust issues (that should be obvious why) and fear of rejection (another obvious one) and self-esteem (from wondering what was wrong with me).
Will only 70-yr-old men knock on my door? God, I hope not, but I’ll try to be open. If anyone wondered about my “name”, it’s what women in my support group call jokingly use to describe ourselves–because of years with lack of sex or any intimacy. Born Again Virgins.
Teresa 6
OKay makes sense I am 54 and just starting to date again I get that women over 50 are at a disadvantage because men our age for most part aren’t interested. But I will draw the line at men who are over 70 my parents age or for that matter men young enough to be my son.
Ruby 7
There are 57 year old women (and men) who look 65 and 57 year olds who could pass for 10 years younger. There are 60 year old men with health issues, and 60 year olds in their prime who will live another 30 years. Certainly there are 55 year old men who are open to dating a woman a mere 2 years older. For many people, age ranges are just guidelines anyway.
If this woman really wants younger men, there are dating sites just for that. I have been contacted by numerous men 20 years younger than myself on OK Cupid. I almost never respond because they are just too young, and I’m looking for a serious relationship and suspect they aren’t. The 57 year old says it’s her turn to have fun…if she really wants a younger man, getting him isn’t an impossibility.
Angie 8
I had to comment, not specifically on the age thing, but the post.
Lady, I am 29. Do you know how many men in their late 40s through early 50s have messaged me on okcupid? I had a 47 year old man message me multiple times, none of which I have responded to (and okcupid also shows you who looks at your profile – he is always looking at my profile).
From the other end of the age spectrum, I can tell you that I am horrified that men who could have fathered me think I want to date them, but Evan is RIGHT. They certainly aren’t ashamed to try, despite being 12-20 years above my oldest specified age range (27-34). It’s not like they are 1-2 years outside the range. They are 20 years outside the range. These men are shameless and creepy. I’d prefer a “Nice legs, you dtf?” from a 33-year-old than “You are intriguing, beautiful and I’d love to spoil you” from a 53-year-old. (REAL MESSAGES)
*I also had a man who was 28 (1 year younger than me) message me after I had looked at his profile, but his specified desired age range was 18-24, which made me suspicious of him (because a, I think HE is too old for 18 year olds, and b, I couldn’t take him seriously based on that alone).
On the flipside, Ruby #7, is correct. I saw a special 6 months ago on TV about women your age meeting men in their 30s on some cougar/cub website.
Gem 9
At 45, the men my age online are looking for 30-42 yr. olds. So it’s already begun. For me, I date men from 40-57 so my net is cast wide but it does sting to know that my “expiration date” has already been reached by a large number of men my age.
And I DO look young for my age,
According to what I’m told anyway, so the botox, exercise, and healthy eating must be working. Now, where’s my man?
still looking 10
I made two assumptions when I began dating. The first assumption was that as a 48 year old, slim, athletic, attractive professional I would be sought by women of all ages. The second assumption was that I would only be interested in women between the ages of early 30s and 45.
Dating has certainly been an eye opening experience for me! For every wink/msg I receive from a woman younger than me, I probably receive 5 from women my age or older. I’ve also learned, painfully sometimes, that women will pull away just as quickly as I will if there is no chemistry. Of course the rejection stings, even though I know that rejection is inevitable. Evan’s blog has been invaluable in helping me see the obvious truths of dating. Thanks Evan! Today’s post, for example, has once again hammered home the message — don’t waste time on someone who isn’t interested. I rarely initiate contact first and I have found this to be a huge time saver. It obviously cuts down on the number of women I’m corresponding with but at least I know that the initial attraction is present if she sends the first wink or email.
The biggest mistake I made when I started dating was focusing exclusively on younger women. I thought they would be more vibrant, more fun, more personable, more fit, more sexual, etc. I was guilty of stereotyping women based on chronological age and ignoring the fact that younger women tend to have young children at home and some are quite a bit less mature than women my age.
I recently took a chance by going out with a woman in her early 50s and I had a great time! Since then I’ve had numerous dates with women between 50 and 55 and each of them have been fabulous.
Many men will probably make the same mistake I did of focusing exclusively on younger women when they start dating. Hopefully they will learn as I did, that age really is just a number.
Ruby 11
Angie #8
Actually I’m about to turn 48, and these guys are 20-somethings. The youngest was 18. Flattering, but crazy!
Jane 12
I am a little surprised by Evan’s numbers and I think they are influenced, perhaps, by region. When I look at the age range, I find several men, not just a few, who are willing to date older than they are but I do not live in an urban area so because the pool is limited, that criterion may have loosened for them.
As well, I am contacted by men who have posted an age range younger than I but— I have a nice, big smile so they may be influenced by that, the point being, they can be influenced. I also have a smashing profile that is the product of Evan’s profile writing service. Sometimes I get messages whose purpose is simply to compliment my profile!
So, I think region and photo are two influential factors in who messages.
One fellow told me that when he was first on-line he felt like a kid in a candy store but reality shaped him up…… just sayin’
Theresa H 13
I’m 40 and had my Match age range set as 35 – 45…but once had a lovely email from a 34 year old saying although he was younger than I’d specified he liked my profile and would love to meet….we had some great dates together.
What I’m really interested to know (if you’re allowed to tell us Evan)…is how is your mum getting on with her dating??!
Tish 14
Jane #12 – I like what you had to say. I know a couple of guys who thought that the whole internet dating thing was going to get them by just on they’re looks alone. Nothing in their profiles of substance. Well, needless to say everything fizzled after a while of date after date with women who were either “strange” or had posted photos of themselves that may have been taken about 10-20 years ago! LOL
I dabbled a little in the online dating scene and had pretty good luck from a shallow perspective. Met and dated some really good looking guys, but no connections. One guy even went back to his old girlfriend after telling me she left him because he didn’t want to marry her. Not that he didn’t want to get married, but he didn’t want to marry her. Go figure.
I’m older now (Not 35) and I need a man of substance. When I’m ready to date again (just ended a long-term relationship), I think I’ll reach out to Evan for a profile write up too.
For now, I’m working on some core belief stuff, thanks to Evan and the Soulmate Summit crew. I’m evolving. Thank you Evan!
Ruby 15
i, too, was a bit surprised by EMK’s numbers, so I did my own match.com age range search in the major metropolitan are where I live (NOT L.A.). Here’s what I found among 55 year old men, on the first page of my search. A glance over the next few pages showed similar results.
45-52
45-60
47-57
49-57
50-58
25-50
37-55
44-58
45-57
45-65
Sorry, but an 80 year old man contacting a 57 year old woman is not analogous to a 57 year old woman wishing to date men a handful of years younger. Sure, there are the older dudes looking to date much younger, but in my searches, they are not the norm. Also, most men 45+ either have already had kids or long ago decided they don’t want them, and much younger women tend to want to have kids.
starthrower68 16
This is excellent advice for the people who care enough about a relationship to take it to heart, which those of us here do. It’s the other “whatever” percent of the dating population that don’t have enough awareness to realize this or at least the desire to seek out such wisdom that we still have to deal with. We know we can’t change them. It’s surprising that anyone ever becomes a couple.
melie 17
This was an interesting article and truly is great advice Evan! Now if the men would just get it too. I would love to go out with a man my age or a few years older that isn’t a womanizer or out to be the kid in the candy store. Let’s face it. At our age alot of us are forced into the dating pool because of a mishap: divorce, widowed, cancer, etc. And it is not the same dating world we knew as kids! Yes, the convenience of the internet has allowed our pool to have maybe a broader range, but those creepy fat guys (and I mean morbidly obese) that think they are great catches, have another think coming! If you really think you are going to attract a woman any age with a huge gut and neanderthal facial growth, and only a few teeth in your grin? Well what planet did you come from??? Have you looked at the messages I get? Oh my goodness! I wouldn’t date some of these guys no matter how much they want to go out with me! But i got your message: separate the chaffe from the dross and make a choice that is good for you! You’re a good advisor Evan! Keep up the good work!
Trenia 18
I think this post is pretty spot on, but there has to be room made for potential outliers. Now, granted, you don’t cater to outliers but they do exist. An example of this would be interracial dating. Many people dating online say they want to date someone of their same racial/ethnic group, not because they are closed off to dating people of other races, they just feel like the odds are better this way. But they may come across a profile of someone who they find attractive and reach out. I think the same can be said for age and body type.
bejewelled 19
The OP`s post is a prime example why younger women need to think very seriously about the consequences of marrying a significantly (20+ yrs) older man. The OP was probably the hot younger wife to a much older man, and now widowed in her 50`s, feels she missed out on the fun and now is at a disadvantage in the dating pool. Marry a man close to your age when you have the chance.
Tontae 20
Thank you, Evan – I read your posts as a “primer” for when I am ready to date, and have chosen to try online dating eventually. I am @14 like Tish – I was in a horrific relationship for many years – although it barely passed the definition of “relationship” and now am busy with myself, working on my issues that keep me from developing healthy relationships with people in general, not just men. Love the comments and insights from posters as well.
Sherell 21
In person people make assumptions based on how you really look and act. Online they read what you write . If you truly do look younger then you age, its difficult online. Men generally date younger online. I understand where she is coming from but don’t limit yourself. If you are in fact a youthful 57 year old then there is a male counterpart. He may not search for you online, by using a younger parameter, but you could search for him. Also men are very visual. I get contacted by men much younger then what they state they want on their profile. They always ask if my pictures are current and I say yes less then 3 months. The overall response is good. My dates range from 38-56.
Teresa 22
EMK numbers are right on as far as the LA area goes. I live in the LA area and I have gotten the same results when I have done searches on Match. So at least for right now I won’t be using Match.
Venus 23
Good Article Evan.
I am 45 trying to meet someone in my age range 45 – 53. I generally get contacted by guys who are either much younger or much older (grey and out of shape). Guys my age who do contact generally don’t fit the bill. Those that catch my interest, are looking for someone younger (much younger). And so it goes…
MySecondHalf 24
I was widowed just weeks after turning 47 and was leery of ending up with another sickly person.. My husband had his first heart attack when I was 28 and he 32 so I had never had a long term relationship with someone that was healthy and had the energy for life that I have.. I am sure this issue made me pickier as I carefully read profiles for anything that possibly was code for sick or disabled…. An inexact science , to be sure. Happily, I met online and have been dating for over 1 1/2 yrs, a great man who is healthy and active and have been enjoying doing things with a partner that my husband was not able to do for most of our long marriage. We are close in age and we both fell within each other’s desired age range..
Don’t give up…. the relationship you want is out there!
JB 25
To Ruby and Angie…I know you guys find the younger men emailing you “flattering” but really a main reason men email much older women isn’t because they find them so attractive or are even interested in dating them.They do it because none of the women that are their age or desired age range won’t and don’t email them back.So they keep going higher and higher in their search ages and start emailing the attractive women 15 yrs older to see if they’ll email them back. A lot of times men get so frustrated by not getting any responses they start emailing ANYONE and everyone just to see if they can get someone to respond.
Ruby 26
JB #25
I’m not getting why a woman the in the same age range as a 26-year-old wouldn’t respond to him. Most of these guys are 18-30 years younger than me. I’m sure there is some fascination for these younger men with a more “worldly” older woman, but I am MUCH less likely to respond than a woman their own age.
Angie 27
@JB #25 – I don’t understand what you are referring to. I’m 29. There aren’t many “much younger” guys than me on internet dating sites, although I have gotten more messages from 18 year olds (maybe they are younger high school kids and lying for entertainment, b/c I’ve seen many more “18″s than 19 or 20′s), than say… 24 year olds.
Perhaps my original post was unclear. I just meant I had checked out a 28 year old guy’s page and his “desired” age range was 18-24 year old females. I am creeped out that a 28yo wants to date an 18yo in the same way that I am creeped out when a 53 yo wants to date me, so I was put off and didn’t reply to him for this reason, even though I thought he was cute and otherwise thought his profile and message seemed ok.
Actually, Evan might not agree with that thought process, but it’s how I think.
Sayanta 28
Angie
I feel the same way about the guys who write 18 to whatever age on their profile. Some of these guys really do have decent profiles but I can’t bring myself to respond to them either for that reason.
JB 29
@Angie – The guys under 21 just want you to buy them some beer….LOL C’mon be realistic why would a 19 yr.old guy want a 28 yr.old woman?I’ll give you a hint….it’s not to get married and start a family,nor is it to teach him how to be in a happy healthy relationship….lol Gee….what could it be??
Jadafisk 30
The same reason 19 year old guys want 17-19 year old girls, except with less hassle. They aren’t thinking about raising kids and settling down with them, either. If they WERE thinking about it, that’s who they’d be thinking about it with, but generally, that’s the furthest thing from their minds.
Ellen 31
I am a cougar sometimes and love it. Guys my age just look so tired and are often out of shape, sexist, ageist, what have you…The key is to lie about your age. Evan talked about this recently actually, how he agrees it’s sometimes necessary.
I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated, from 30- 63 who had NO CLUE what my real age was, or thought it was what I had posted on the dating website (usually 49-51, depending on my mood). Well, ladies/gents I am 58. But I’ve taken meticulous care of my face and body for years (worn sunscreen daily since age 25 ’cause I’m a redhead for one thing) so look at least 10 years younger, depending upon the light in the room I guess!
A couple of people have thought 39-40 even.
But I’m on borrowed time and know it!
Usually I fess up at some point, but sometimes I just don’t. It just depends. The last guy I dated, aged 55, put as his age range, 40-50. When we stopped dating after a month, I noticed he changed that to 32-47! I told him I preferred younger guys usually, had dated some in the last year and maybe he got bold and decided to go for it, I don’t know. He looks good for 55, but is the exception. But unlike him, I KNOW no younger man will want to be with me when I am frail, but why men can’t wrap their heads around that basic concept just amazes me!
So lie and enjoy the younger guys. A few even want something long-term with you, though they are rare. But many love older women (I’d say about 1 in 4 now, and that number is creeping up given the popularity of the “cougar” concept), how free/experienced we are in bed, how sophisticated, how smart, relaxed about a lot of things, including money, children (we’ve already had them- we can’t get preggers – a huge plus).
Try gocougar.com or cougarlife.com. Think I prefer cougarlife. And guys in their 40s sign up there too, not just boy toys….
Jadafisk 32
Wait… if many younger men think older women are so awesome, why would you have to lie?
Gina 33
As usual, this is a great topic Evan. I’m 49, and over the years have been married twice and have not had too many problems finding a relationship. I just ended a relationship four months ago because I found out that after a little over a year of being exclusive, there was no future (I’d met this person online). Although I still have an online profile and date occasionally, my main focus is doing me. I love my life as a single person and feel that it is important to learn to work on leading a fulfilling and rewarding single life as I continue to look for that special someone who wants to share their life with me. In the event that I do not find that person, I will not feel devastated because it is my responsibility to create my own happiness and not to look to someone else to complete me or make me happy.
In other words, I am leading a happy and full life as a single person and meeting a great guy would simply be the icing on an already delicious cake.
Zaq 34
I think I read somewhere recently that the cougar phenomenon is a myth and that statistics show that it is very rare.
However, I have to say that it appears quite common in my social circle.
One friend in her early 40s had an affair with a 20 year old, but when he proposed she got cold feet. A few years later she divorces and remarries a much younger man.
Another single woman in her mid 40s is now living with a guy about 30.
Another married a man 15 years younger and had another child with him. She is a professional and he is a househusband.
And last year a woman 43 married and had a child with a 23 year old. He doesnt look 23 though. He looks about 17.
This has all happened in the last couple of years.
Observations:
Most of these women sealed the deal – obtained a marriage certificate.
All of the women were reasonably attractive for their age, and between 40 and 45.
None of the men were alpha males – all beta
Although they could have attracted older men with status, they appear to have leveraged their looks for younger men with less status
My view, is that if a woman still looks fertile, she still has options
Terri 35
If you are an “Older Woman” , in good shape, good grooming and attractive, you will inevitably find a man in your age group or younger who is interested in you. Used to be that older men had the monopoly on younger women with only a little snickering from observers.
Now older women have the same social opportunities to date younger men and they can be found on a number of dating sites catering to this group.
When I counseled abused women in a SE domestic violence clinic, one of my clients was 52 years old, married, with 3 grown sons. She hooked up online with a 26 year old single man from NY and they fell in love online. She brought him in to see me at my office.
They were both 8s and a good physical match. He had given up his job to come and “save” her from her abusive marriage. They seemed very happy together. Good body language and eye contact. Her husband and sons were incensed about this situation and tried to talk her out of it.
I left the agency shortly thereafter and never found out what ultimately happened with this interesting couple.
Christie Hartman 36
I think Evan makes a good point that one should focus on who wants you as much as who you want. However, the idea that a 50-something woman can’t get a date with anyone but an old man is absurd. Online dating shows us what men hope to date in their fantasies, not what they can get and not what they’re willing to actually date. Most older women can realistically aim for men in their general age bracket, and some older women have even more options.
JB 37
@Ellen #31….yes you are right some women that have taken care of their skin can fool a lot of men with makeup on their face but make up doesn’t cover the neck and the hands.On SOME women those are dead give aways….LOL I’ve seen plenty of 47 yr. old women that look 57 and vice versa.Let’s face it most of us men in our age range(45-60)don’t really care about the age “number”as long as we find you attractive.It’s not like we’re looking to get married and start a family….LOL
Gina 38
I belong to the baby boomer population, and focus on dating websites that cater to seniors who are looking to meet other seniors. At the age of 49, I have found that men will contact a woman (in spite of her age) if they find her pictures attractive. I don’t believe in lying about my age because of the negative view that most of our society has towards older people and aging. if I did NOT mention how old I was, people would not be able to tell that I’m pushing the big 5-0. I tell the truth about my age because I want to change the perception in many people’s minds that a 49 year-old woman has to look old. It also helps that I’m African American because black, generally speaking, don’t crack! LOL!
living la vida loca! loving it! 39
@zaq, when i started getting into my 30′s (which i am now) i started noticing really hot younger guys flirting with me. it was crazy! i thought it was my imagination and these guys were in great shape, had nice cars and honeslty my own car was just a little bug. i didn’t look like i had much financially (which i don’t). i just assume these younger guys found me attractive, simple as that. if they’re doing better than i am, are buff and hot as well, why would they look my way? free beer, like some douche on here said? well, i don’t drink anyway. but mu dating options have gotten better since i hit my 30′s. i don’t have to date older, out of shape men (sorry, older men but it is what it is). i can date younger younger guys who have a lot on the ball…and they aren’t as boring to deal with as older men. they treat me better and when i talk i feel like they appreciate what i have to say; i’m not just some “younger woman who’s just arm candy for them to show off in front of other men” like i experienced with older men.
to each his own but frankly i “love” it! i love dealing with younger men! they want relationships and something meaningful with me, and value, and respect me. i didn’t get that with older (and much older men because in my personal experience it was just my youth they were after, not my conversation) guys. everybody has different experiences and these are mine. good luck ladies!
Ray 40
Here’s another suggestion… don’t give into cultural expectations just because someone says that is the way it ‘is’.
If these men can’t find (actual) younger women to oblige them, they will be forced to date women their own age or be alone. Supply and demand.
Ladies.. if you genuinely do look younger, then lie about your age. Sorry, we all have a hand we are dealt. And if men want ’younger women’ to make them selves feel better then give them that fantasy. who cares? Let them think they are walking around with someone younger than them.