Comments on: Do You Want to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too?

By: susan

susan — Tue, 15 May 2012 10:07:11 +0000

Yes I wrote a letter. not by choice. I asked him to meet me and he had ”other commitments” which kind of summed things up how they have been really. his preferred method of noninperson communication was Facebook chat. I’d had enough of that.
Writing a letter gave me an opportunity to really think about what I wanted to say and also be scrupulously honest and candid about how i was feeling.
I have followed the advice before and the last man (two months of dating, wouldn’t be seen with me in public, wouldn’t talk on phone) also got a letter – for much same reasons.
I completely agree all should be done in person – but that only works if the person actually wants to see you in the first place. And I’d suggest that if they did you wouldn’t be in the position of feeling the need to write the letter…
this appears to be a common phenomenon in my part of the world at least – the man who loves a/secrets, b/social network conversations and c/likes to keep women in the ”friendzone/just in case space”

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Tue, 15 May 2012 06:26:59 +0000

Sorry, Susan. It’s probably for the best. One question: you wrote him a letter? You’ve been seeing him for three months and you couldn’t do it in person? Or on the phone? I just believe that nuanced conversations shouldn’t take place by post. People should have a chance to see your face, watch your body language and respond in the moment.

By: susan

susan — Tue, 15 May 2012 06:09:30 +0000

yep i’m listening. this week (week 12) i sent the ”i’m not getting my needs met here” letter as per Evans blog on commitment. hurting hurting. but i know it’s the right thing. As far as i’m concerned 3 months is plenty of time to decide if you want someone or not.

By: Happy Person

Happy Person — Tue, 15 May 2012 05:02:55 +0000

Mmmm. Cake.

By: Paragon

Paragon — Wed, 09 May 2012 06:18:17 +0000

@ AnnieC

“I think the people that really “settle” are usually the ones with unrealistic expecations.”

How so?

Settling implies making a conclusive decision – how is that *more* likely to imply unrealistic expectations(in fact, its suggests the opposite).

“Plenty of people don’t feel they are settling, but rather making a choice and committing to that choice.”

Non sequitur – that is *precisely* what ‘settling’ implies.

You are apparently confused…

@ 72

“Interesting to see that no one, and I mean no one, seems to have an answer to your questions”

That is because, these are questions that only the OP can reasonably answer.

By: m

Tue, 08 May 2012 01:47:57 +0000

@64 –
Thank you, Henriette.

Interesting to see that no one, and I mean no one, seems to have an answer to your questions, which are all, imo, right to the point.

(Speaking of having cake and eating it, who’s that new guy commenter that copped my initial and is just using it capitalized? )

By: AnnieC

AnnieC — Sat, 05 May 2012 05:53:58 +0000

@70

I think the people that really “settle” are usually the ones with unrealistic expecations. Plenty of people don’t feel they are settling, but rather making a choice and committing to that choice.

By: Bill

Bill — Tue, 01 May 2012 06:06:25 +0000

@Paragon

If that is the case life is pretty sad.

By: Paragon

Paragon — Tue, 01 May 2012 04:58:48 +0000

@ Jadafisk

“Paragon – I said they’d been married before – given the *opportunity* to reproduce. Not everyone takes that opportunity, but most do. Some will choose not to. As you can see, most men who have been married have children. Most middle aged men have been married before. What do you call 84% (the percentage men who have married that have children) of 90% (the percentage of men who have married by middle age), if not a vast majority?”

Since we are actually talking about %84 of %75, I call that a non-overwhelming majority, but perhaps we are both splitting hairs.

I just wanted to emphasize the relative difficulty successful reproduction is for most men to successfully reproduce.

@ Bill

“It is not settling if that is the best person she can have a long term relationship and children with. It is her best option thus it should be seen as her dream man.”

You’re looking at things from an overwhelmingly male perspective, I’m afraid.

For most females, it seems that anything less than tall, dark handsome, and wealthy is, indeed, ‘settling’(which, I think, is a concept that bears some reconciliation by single females in general).

By: Happy Person

Happy Person — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 20:45:53 +0000

And@65, Bill@67: If she’s 39 and not stating otherwise, she probably doesn’t care about having kids. Which is probably why she feels she can take more time. If you don’t want kids your romantic life is about something else and you can afford to wait for the right thing. It’s just that it’s not so obvious to others what that right thing might be, so you have to do more soul-searching and more communication than the folks who are doing it by the book.