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Hi, Evan. This question is inspired by the Does Acting Like A Man Mean Acting Like A Jackass? post on your blog. I’m a woman, and I’m a stud. Anyway, I always kind of felt that I was. I am/was good-looking, bright, charming, witty, successful with “the boys,” etc. Over the years, my intelligence and emotional unavailability have separated me from the sluts – male and female. No shocker, I was raised in a volatile, withholding environment and am most comfortable in superficial relationships. In fact, I run into the sunset when confronted with the possibility of commitment. Yes, I am a prize. Before I get a pat on the back for my self-awareness, though, I need to confess that it’s taken me decades to recognize this stuff about myself, and, over those decades, I’ve hurt some very good men (and some real assholes, which is tough to regret, but which I do regret in a kind of Buddhist way). And I’ve hurt myself. What’s saddest, and what I think is sad for so many of us “studs”, is that we may never know true intimacy. What a waste of a life. I remember from a college psych class that Freud wrote life was comprised only of “love and work, work and love”, so us illustrious studs basically suck. My question: have you or your wife known any women who, at a late date, wanted to mend their ways, and actually managed to do so? –Lynn
Even though you told me not to, I’m going to pat you on the back for your self-awareness.
It doesn’t mean that you’ve conquered the problem, but at least you admitted you had one, which puts you far ahead of all of the women who simply blame men for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. Check out the comments below. You’re sure to see them there.
I wish more men would start realizing that they’re the own source of their unhappiness.
Although your question is very similar to this one, which I wrote a few years back, I wanted to see if I could shed some new light on your situation.
First of all, I think it’s brave of you to throw yourself on the sword and admit that you’ve been – in essence – dating like a guy, and committing the same emotional crimes as men regularly commit. I only wish more men would start realizing that they’re the own source of their unhappiness, with their relentless pursuit of younger, thinner, prettier, at the neglect of their own long-term self interests. It’s not until something clicks in men and they realize that finding a woman who makes them feel good is paramount that love is possible.
Otherwise it’s simply chemistry and a list of impressive credentials chasing chemistry and a list of impressive credentials.
My friend Onna said something to me the other day that blew me away, so I wrote it down. Onna’s 39 and has been through tons of ups and downs with men since I’ve known her. She’s become very close with my wife and I – and through our conversations and her devotion to my material, she’s transformed herself into one very happy woman, complete with an alpha boyfriend.
Here’s what she said that really blew me away: “I found Mr. Right when I stopped making men wrong.”
And if there’s one thing I rail against on this blog – even while I’m giving advice to women – it’s making blanket statements about what’s wrong with men and how they “should” be a certain way – presumably doing everything that YOU want them to do.
(The same thing, by the way, could be said about men who cling to the “women are crazy” line and choose not to date the many sane ones out there.)
Until we all start choosing partners based on their character, kindness, integrity and emotional generosity, we’re pretty much doomed to repeat these cycles over and over.
Back to you, Lynn, because you want to know if there’s a chance in hell that you’re going to be able to turn this ship around before it’s too late.
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