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Love your blog! It seems that, after searching through your archives, many women have asked about what to do when their boyfriend has low-to-no sex drive, but what about if the tables were turned? I’m in my early thirties, and have had many long-term relationships–some great, some horrible, some somewhere in between. No matter the circumstances, I have always lost interest in sex a few months into the relationship.
I warned my current boyfriend of this very early on. He is a wonderful guy. He makes me feel safe, confident, and loved. There are no games and there is no low-level anxiety and insecurity lurking here. I’ve explained to him that I sometimes need help to “get in the mood” by him initiating sex. He has said that he feels it’s useless to do this as there’s a 90% chance I’ll turn him down. I feel horrible about this and sometimes feel it is my “duty” to have sex. At the same time, he is resistant to giving me what I’ve clearly asked for multiple times. We have been together for a year and three months at this point, and we seem to be lacking some communication here, as well as intimacy. Does this mean the chemistry is gone? Is this potentially the “wrong” relationship? –Anne
You meet a man.
For the first few months, he’s the most charming man in the entire universe. He texts during the day, he calls you at night, he makes plans in advance. Dates last for full weekends. In your experience, this guy is the best communicator you’ve ever seen. You two can work everything out and you always know where you stand with him.
Eventually, he changes.
He doesn’t text regularly. He doesn’t want to talk on the phone. He sees you as much, but doesn’t linger as long. You get the sense that he’s pulling away, but he swears he’s not. The more you push him to explain why he’s cooling off, the more he shuts down.
One of the best parts of healthy relationships is that you don’t get rejected by your partner.
This is who he is, he says. There’s nothing to talk about, he says.
How do you feel about the prospects for this relationship?
I mean, he’s a good guy, but he’s not the same guy you dated at the beginning. And while you don’t expect the fireworks to continue, at the very least, you expect him to care about your needs and make you feel safe, heard, and understood. His failure to do so casts a large shadow over your relationship and puts your future in doubt.
You’re well within your rights to want more from your boyfriend.
And your real-life boyfriend is well within his rights to want more sex from his girlfriend.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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