Comments on: Don’t Call Me Sugar

By: Danielle

Danielle — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 21:18:35 +0000

When I lived in Seattle, I used to insist upon Dutch when on a first date. It felt “fair” and if the gentleman protested, I told him that if he liked me enough to ask me out again, that he can pick up the tab. This approach worked quite often on the left coast, but it isn’t always appropriate everywhere. I now live in the South, and many men have a hard time accepting a woman to pay for anything. So, I’ve had to change my rules to prevent bruising feelings.
My new rule is quite simple: He (or she) who asks, pays. In my mind, if I am asked on a date, I can safely assume that the gentleman will pay for it. This has been the case 100% of the time in my own personal experience (your mileage may vary). When I ask, I pay for the date. Only rarely does this create problems, and then they are quickly resolved. I find that this approach allows both of us to have a good time without having to sweat about who will pick up the tab.

By: marymary

marymary — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 19:53:52 +0000

Joy
my boyfriend pays and i,ve learned to let him. On one occasion we actually had an audience as we wrestled each other to get to the card machine. i finally gave up after I got my card in but he kept pressing cancel. I thought he would screw up my card. His response? ” I win! I always win!” Must be a man thing.
i do cook him the occasional meal but I can,t pretend it,s equivalent cash value. He doesn’t like it when I try to match him. He says a gift or a treat is just that and I take away from it by trying to pay him back.
i suggest things to do that don,t cost much and I won,t be suggesting any Michelin star restaurants. which is a shame as I would like to go but only if we would share the cost.
i read you and I hear you.

By: Joy

Joy — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 18:03:33 +0000

I realize this is probably an old post an mine being the last comment probably no one will read. Here is my take on the matter. When I first started dating my ex-husbad he paid on the first date. There after he explained that he didn’t have much money and that still wanted to go on dates. I was in college and had a part-time, he had a job, a badly paid job but a job. I started picking up the bill. First we split then he just would say “hey I’m hungry let’s go grab something to eat” I’d mistake it for a date and there we went, guess who paid? I was young and very stupid. Our relationship was defined backwards and now my friends say to me it was obvious I was his sugar mommy. I supported him for years and even when he himself went through college and made a decent salary and we had a mortgage and two kids he still expected me to pay for everything while he lavishly spent his money. Now I’m divorced, with a bad taste in my mouth but I have also understood that I made the mistake of marrying someone who was not a good provider. And how is a man going to show that he’s a provider? By paying on the dates. I think however, that the man has to establish the boundaries of the date he can afford to the woman, and if she wants an upgrade then she’ll have to help pay for it. So I don’t mind dating a guy who makes half the money I make, so long as he’s not thinking of going to and expensive restaurant for every date, if all he can afford is Subway then I rather go to Subway and feel provided for than to force either of us into a hardship because we want Houstons. A relationship is not about having someone to go to nice places, I think it’s about having someone to go somewhere…I don’t mind a homemade dinner of PB&J sandwiches as long as the company is good.

By: bobby

bobby — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 20:02:19 +0000

You think you have it bad? My wife insists that I pay the entire bill for the entire party, no matter how many people are there. Luckily I can afford it but just see what happens if I don’t get the whole entire thing. Makes every other man look like a cheap wuss. But costs a lot of money.
If someone else manages to get the bill by getting there before me, I am in trouble.
Gold digger? Not really, just normal expectations from how she was raised (not American)

By: bobby

bobby — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 19:58:29 +0000

ITS A TRAP!

By: kash

kash — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 07:21:40 +0000

All I can say is: if the guy does not have a lot of money, why does he take a woman to the expensive restaurant???? Why pretend, hey I am rich, why setting such high standards? what are you going to do on the next date? another expensive restaurant??? No wonder after few dates a guy thinks we should split a bill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Be inventive, buy sandwiches, take us to the park, take a blanket, take the money pressure off the table. WE do not want a man who only takes us to the restaurants, well some women do care ha ha, like gold diggers. And then while you get to know each other take her for a dinner and then you know you like her so paying for her will not be a big deal, by this time you would like to impress her!!! And soon you will start spending some time in her house etc… and she might cook for you both, and BELIEVE me she will not ask you to pay for the ingredients. I myself always offer to pay and if the guy takes money from me on the first date no matter if this is a coffee, or a dinner I don’t go on the second one! Period!

By: indigo

indigo — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 11:42:08 +0000

It’s all very well to say it’s only fair to split the bill, but there is this expectation from women that a guy should pay for the first date, especially if he’s asked her out, and I think there’s a very good reason for it. And it does have something to do with the chase, or how much value he places on her, or as Evan puts it, she is trying to assess the effort he is willing to make for her before she allows her feelings to get involved. I am not suggesting that she plays games, but that, also, as Evan puts it, a man reveals himself in his efforts. If he hasn’t had to fetch you, and he’s only paid for his own meal, what effort has he really made? My point is, it’s important for a guy to want to win you over, otherwise I think you are setting yourself up for heartbreak down the line.

I have a simple rule, I always offer to split the bill but if the guy doesn’t pay for at least the first date, I won’t see him again. After date 3 or 4 I have no problem going halves on everything and as the relationship progresses would insist on putting in my equal share financially. But I think, at the beginning, it’s important for the dynamic that the guy wants to win you over and one of the ways they do that is by paying.

By: E

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:50:50 +0000

I have a simple rule. If two people can’t effortlessly negotiate who’s going to pay for what without acrimony, any putative romantic relationship between them is bound to fail. If you feel like she’s taking you for granted, say so. If you’re already out $50 bucks getting your hair done to impress this guy and don’t want to drop another $25 for a mediocre dinner so he can feel equal, say so. Chances are if the girl doesn’t care if you feel taken for granted or the guy read too many PUA books and refuses to treat anyone ever, you don’t want to see this person ever again and it’s best to find out now.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 03:23:05 +0000

Yet another example of how it’s a miracle that two people manage to make to marriage.

By: moonsical

moonsical — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 23:15:43 +0000

I used to pay my own way. Always. Period. Until I was sure of our relationship and then allowed a man to pay for things. I did not want to feel obligated or beholden in any way.

However, it does seem that there is some sociological precedent for men to provide, and I wonder how many men I’ve offended by insisting on paying for myself.

Then there’s wages. Men usually do make more. One beau I had made over three times my wage, and he always paid. And was glad to. Sometimes I got the tip, or coffee after dinner.

Dating is thorny and there is much to be excused or overlooked in this area at the start. I’d say generally the man can expect to pay initially.

When transitioning from dating to a couple, now is the time to have very frank conversations over money and how to pay for dining and entertainment. I’m all for a percentage based on income.

Money is a crazy topic. There’s a book, “Your Money and Your Man,” by Washington Post Money Columnist Michelle Singletary and though I’ve only read her columns, I recommend it. It’s amazing to me that I have friend going through divorces and break-ups that still do not know much about their finances as a couple. Wow.

moon